Almost Every Single Day

I have been sick. I have been sick and I have been grumpy. I have been sick, grumpy and stressed. And I have been really lazy! This last three or four days has just not been my friend…

It started with a tickle in my throat that quickly progressed to a full-blown seasonal cold. I had two really good days of not being able to breathe out my nose and cracking lips and just utter grossness. I’ve had a pain in my back that is being relentless. It’s been straight up kicking my butt.

Then, The Boyfriend ended up getting a wicked migraine. He rarely ever gets headaches but when he does, they are intense and seem to last a long time. If he manages to take Tylenol before it hits, its a little bit manageable, but if he doesn’t, it’s vicious to him. He spent all day yesterday in pain, took two hot baths because it was the only place he could find release and relied on me take care of him with an over two-hour long neck rub.

Needless to say, with both of us being sick in one form or another for the past two or three days, everything has been in neglect mode – except, oddly enough, the dishes. I’ve done the dishes more in these last few days than I normally do in a week. I even missed two days of practicing for the kids’ spelling tests, which I was beating myself up really hard about when I realized. Until we did it today and they both nailed all the words!

I’ve been missing a lot lately. My to-do list is ridiculous and I keep saying, “Oh, I’ll deal with that tomorrow”, and then tomorrow rolls around and I completely forget. By the time I finally do remember, it’s three in the morning and nothing can be done anyways. I can’t tell if I’m forgetting because I don’t want to deal with it or if I’m forgetting because my memory isn’t working the way it used to.

And can I just take a minute to tell you how absolutely annoying it is that almost every single day there is something that makes me feel like I’m aging at an incredibly fast pace. From the new gray hairs that keep popping up on my head, making my hair look like straw, to the soreness of all my joints as the weather dips into this awkward point between decent and cold. I swear to you that lately, I have been able to hear my biological clock ticking – and while I’ve already decided that I don’t want anymore kids (four is enough for me), it is like a bomb screaming at me, “Have a baby! Have a baby!”.

And that’s fine. I don’t mind the screaming bomb. That’s not even my biggest dislike about the biological clock ticking. My biggest dislike is that at 28, almost 29, I feel like I’m going through some sort of awkward puberty in terms of my periods lately. Never has my menses been a bigger mess. From periods that are lasting a lot longer than they ever have, to not showing up when they’re expected and then being a million times more painful, not only during but for weeks before, I just can’t figure out, or get comfortable with, what’s going on reproductively right now.

I know that part of why I’m feeling so old right now is because it’s getting close to my birthday and my kids enjoy reminding me almost every single day how close it is and how much older they are getting. And of course, them getting older means I’m getting older too. And I don’t want to get older…

I’m not ready yet. I haven’t done anything that I wanted to do by the time I was 29 – well, except have a bunch of kids. I haven’t even gotten my driver’s licence yet. I don’t own a home. I have no career and absolutely no employment prospects. I mean, this is just not the way I planned it all out over the years.

I have been dwelling in age and aging almost every single day for the last three or four days. And I’m not even halfway done living yet. It’s stupid, but that’s where I’m at. It’s like, my mid-life crisis or something…