Wasting Away

I feel like I am struggling in a lot of different ways lately. From the lowered drive (which seems to be interfering with my every thought), to my cold that just won’t seem to let up, to a general lack of energy and motivation and finally, my overall sombre mood. I just kinda feel like I’m struggling.

I’m not eating or sleeping right at the moment, and that probably has a lot to do with everything. I never feel hungry and then when I do get the extreme munchies, everything tastes gross or not very good or bland. My sleep is all over the place and for the most part, I’ve comfortably adopted The Boyfriend’s graveyard sleep schedule. So, there’s been a lot of all-nighters and then sleeping all day, which is just terrible for my mood.

Then, I’m noticing myself at least once a day, almost resenting everyone for the progress they’re making in their life, while I feel like I’m stuck standing still. I mean, the big one right now, and I don’t know if this is normal for most parents to feel, but I feel like everyone is growing up so fast and getting new experiences all the time. New friends, new responsibilities, just general newness. And I feel, almost like a sense of jealousy about it, like I’m getting nothing new and like I’m stuck and they’re moving onwards.

Everyone I know is going back to work or moving up in their jobs, and I just get this overwhelming feeling that I’m wasting my life away. I’m wasting my potential, I’m wasting opportunities, I’m wasting away. Like, I’m not even living, I’m just wasting. Wasting up space – physical space, emotional space – wasting up resources and wasting people’s time.

Firstly, I know that none of the above is true. Let me start by saying that. Secondly, even if it is true, the only way to change the narrative is to do something about it. Get off my butt, eat something healthy, actually look into going back to school or work or volunteering or doing something new. I mean, the answer is literally pointing and laughing at me! I know what I need to do, but for some reason, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Part of it is probably my negative self-talk. I’ve always struggled with it, always. As a perfectionist and as someone who is highly self-critical, I’m quick to verbally and mentally bash myself, sometimes even before a mistake or failure has been made. It’s not uncommon for me to have a dream or a goal and then completely talk myself out of it because I’m not good enough, skilled enough, qualified, or even deserving of the end product. And shutting that down is a constant battle that I don’t seem to be winning.

That and I seem to be in hardcore procrastination mode about everything. I keep saying “Okay, today I’m going to get this and this done” or “Tomorrow, it’ll be all about this job!” and then I put it off and put it off until the day passes and I spend another one doing nothing but talking about all the stuff that I need to do. Instead of taking any action whatsoever, I’m talking about and dreaming about and fantasizing about what I want or need to get done. And I can’t seem to just force myself to get up and do it. I can’t find the energy or the desire.

I’m used to someone getting on my ass when it’s like this. Someone saying that this is not acceptable, saying out loud the things that I’m thinking in my head. I’m used to someone kicking me when I’m down and somehow that lifting me up. I’m not used to the supportive boyfriend cuddling me and telling me I’m perfect and picking up my slack and while it makes me fall so much deeper in love with him because I feel truly taken care of, it also makes me angry at him for letting me get away with wasting away. For not insisting that the woman standing at his side be more than just baggage he carries around with him. And I know that that’s because he doesn’t see it that way, and that’s not what he’s feeling, but it still just seems to bother me. Then again, it would probably bother me if he did it any differently anyways.

Well, I think I’ve vented enough about that for today.

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