The Anxiety from the Idea of Camping

The Rantings - For Everyone

When I was a kid, I had a few camping experiences that turned me off of camping altogether.

There was an earwig in the tent the first time I ever slept in one. Someone told the kids they crawled into your ears. I hated tents. The first time I went camping, for real camping, was the first time I ever spent a huge chunk of time away from my parents – in another province across the country with a bunch of strangers, half of whom spoke French, a language that is still utterly foreign to me.

We had to canoe to the tiny island we were sleeping on. I had burnt my finger on a woodburner and was terribly miserable. Plus, I was in a cabin with a bunch of girls who basically hated my guts, so sleeping in the tent full of them, scared of the possibility of earwigs, sucked!!! Then, I had to pee desperately, but someone had said that there were Sasquatch on this island and I swore I saw one (chances are,  it was just another camper going pee…), so I stayed in my tent until the sun came up holding my pee in, crying, while everyone else slept soundly. I woke up the next morning to really bad sunburn on my nose…

My next and last camping experience really put the nail in the coffin.

I’d been at the same school for about three years (the longest I ever stayed at one school) and had been the butt of some pretty harsh bullying. I remember being called “bra-lady” because someone had seen my sports bra in gym class. I remember a lot of getting picked on because of how skinny I was – lots of “do you ever eat?” and “she must throw it all up afterwards” and “I can see your bones! It’s gross!“. And the girls were especially mean to me, not entirely sure why. So, the idea of spending 3 days on a mountaintop with these people was already unappealing.

We arrived and had to take a rickety carriage ride up the side of a steep mountain pulled by two huge and terrifying Clydesdales. They made me, and me alone, sit up front with the old man who laughed when I squeaked as the seat rattled beneath me. We had to walk the remainder of the way up this mountainside to get to the main camping area.

Wooden platforms covered in tarp is how we slept. There was a good six inches between the top of the platform and the bottom of the tarp and the mosquitoes were out of control. The water we drank was warm and the only food I ate the whole time we were there was bread, because the idea of beans totally grosses me out. The whole group that I bunked with were some of my worst bullies and picked on me for every reason they could possibly find.

We had two activities we were allowed to do during the day. Ride horses or go mountain biking. I desperately wanted to ride the horses – there weren’t enough of them, I was too afraid. So, I go mountain biking, but no one tells me that the brakes work differently on a mountain bike. I don’t remember how I fell, but I ended up wrapped up in the bike and one of the supervisors had to come and untangle me – in front of everyone!!!

I went home covered in bites and bruises – literally and metaphorically!!!

Ever since, I have basically said, I won’t camp. I don’t like camping. Camping is not for me.

However, The Boyfriend and his family absolutely love camping. They all have very fond memories of camping with very skilled campers. His Mom has been saying for years that she’s going to take us out camping – she knows how to do it right – she assures me that all these problems I’ve had in the past won’t exist when we go camping, because she’ll make sure I have a great time. She’s never been wrong!

Today, we’re up there visiting and the camping plan begins. Most years, it begins and everyone gets real excitement but then we all realize the burden of our lives and it just gets pushed back another year. But this year, it began, everyone got real excited and then, everyone realized how possible it was. For the first time, it’s possible.

And… Queue panic attack…

I have an issue with the vastness of space. The unknowns of the universe. 

The first time I looked at the moon through a telescope, I got dizzy and lightheaded and then I got scared – really scared. When I see northern lights, I panic about how fast they are moving and I can feel the earth rotate beneath me. When we went out to utter darkness to watch the Perseid Meteor Shower, I couldn’t get out of the van because I was frozen in the fear.

I don’t want to have another bad camping experience.

I don’t want to be sitting in the tent in the middle of the night, under the vastness of space, heart racing, palms sweating, unable to sleep, surrounded by people and yet being entirely alone! I don’t want to be pestering an exhausted camper to stay awake with me when the irrational anxiety hits after the fire has burnt out…

I want to do it. I want to go camping so bad and have this experience that everyone insists is possible!

But, the idea of it… The thought of it… Absolutely terrifies me…

The Beginning of Teenagehood

The Rantings - For Everyone

I have been ridiculously tired. Like nap everyday tired…

I’ve barely been on my computer over the last week, which is entirely abnormal for me. And when I do get on my computer, I’m just not motivated to do anything. I click into all the projects, tabs open like crazy. Then, I just sit there reloading the page. I’ve been here so many times before…

In general, I am feeling unproductive and unmotivated lately. I just feel like I don’t have the mental capacity to do it all, when my brain is so filled with so much other stuff right now.

Kaeidyn has been seriously so difficult to deal with. I’ve attempted to write about it so many times and I just keep feeling loss for words. I expected teenagehood, especially with her, to be incredibly hard – but I figured I had another two years before I was going to be in the thick of it. And while I know that we’re not even close to thick yet, it’s feeling really heavy to deal with.

I’ve had to be the type of Mom that I hate being a lot lately. The lecturing, hovering, up-in-your-business, disciplinarian Mom. I hate being that Mom. I hate having to use the “I’m the parent” card. I hate having to make a rule and then stick to it hard and fast. I hate it. I hate that I’m constantly having this internal war with myself about how much to let her get away with and then having to use my brain to come up with consequences that teach lessons about values and character. And trying to explain these things to a 12-year-old…

I’ve ranted about her use of language in the past. I thought swearing was really going to be the worst of our problems, but I’m learning that I was wrong. It started when she began saying to baby Cazzwell that she was going to punch him in the face – something that we attributed to us getting her to watch him too much. Now, out of nowhere, she is insisting on calling him a crackhead – every time she sees him, or if he looks at her, or if she’s being loving towards him, she calls him a crackhead.

The one that bothers me the most though, and that she’s just pushing like crazy, is the constant talk of killing herself or wanting to die or hoping she chokes. And it’s not in some depressed, “I’m so sad, I’m going to kill myself” way, it is very much like we’ll be sitting there watching a show and randomly, out of nowhere, she’ll suddenly say, “I want to die!“. And when I get upset, because of course I do, she smirks and carries on as if she didn’t just utterly destroy me.

I keep trying to tell her that she doesn’t realize how what she’s saying is affecting the people around her. How does she think it makes people who have actually attempted suicide feel when she goes off about killing herself? Does she think it’s okay to call little babies “crackhead”? Does she really need to talk like that?

But nothing I say or do seems to be making much of a change at all. 

After over a week of dealing with her crap, The Boyfriend and I decide it’s time to take her cellphone away. Of course, she basically just ignores us – which we had sorta anticipated. So then, she gets told to come home right after school the next day. Instead, she doesn’t come home until after dinner. When asked where she was, she shrugs her shoulders, “Down by the river with friends” and acts as if she shouldn’t be in trouble. So then she got grounded and her cellphone got taken away and hidden.

However, this whole thing has basically not worked out at all. She has basically managed to get away with using her cellphone everyday and because it was pre-planned, is spending the weekend babysitting – in a different city, might I add. Needless to say, I know that my kid is getting the message that punishment means absolutely nothing around here.

And it’s terrible, because it is the one thing that The Boyfriend has always said that I suck at. Consistency in consequences. And I’ve always known that he’s not wrong, but when it’s like this, I feel like he gets to do his “I told ya so” dance all the time. And especially with Kaeidyn. He doesn’t feel very comfortable being the disciplinarian – I don’t make it easy for him (and neither does she…). So I can’t even be like, “You think you can do better? Be my guest!“. Ugh…

I officially do not like being a parent to a teenage daughter. It’s a lot of brain work. It’s consuming to a degree that I don’t think you can ever be prepared for. I just have no energy for anything. She has taken it all out of me. Not to mention the four boys… Don’t even get me started!

Incredibly Interesting

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

I’m probably wrong when I say this, but it feels like we have been having more sex than we’ve ever had, ever!

And it’s not just that it’s a lot of sex. It’s a lot of very interesting, out-of-the-box, incredibly hot sex. I don’t know if he feels like he’s pushing his own personal boundaries a lot, but he definitely is. I feel like I’ve never experienced him like this – and straight up, I’m not complaining for one second.

Yesterday, we both checked a fantasy off our list. It’s something we’ve often joked about doing when we’re watching porn. Or when we make home movies for our own personal use. And so a quick 11-second clip was uploaded to Pornhub. We spent all day obsessing. He was chalk full of ideas and has listed a ton more videos that he wants to do.

He’s decided he wants to do an “Off the Beaten Path” series. I’m jealous that he came up with the idea long before I did! I don’t think I’ve ever looked at him with such adoration.

He had asked me not to cum after we had taken that walk. He was also mean and sent me all sorts of sexy messages before I went to bed. I had been on a week-long masturbating streak. So, the denial felt more epic than anything. The next day, I kept having sudden very noticeable twinges and gushes of wetness, but I was finding it hard to be aroused. More annoyed than aroused.

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/161469985111/when-theboyfriend-is-at-work-and-wont-let-me-cum

Waiting for “release” during the next day, while also watching our clip get views, and being in this continual state of flirting and sexual tension with The Boyfriend, was incredibly sexy and when it was finally time to get started, I was beyond ready.

He wanted to start with a spanking. He wanted to make videos. I got dressed up, he got dressed up. He insisted I looked “innocent” with my mini skirt, lace and pigtails. I insisted he looked “incredible” with his vest, jeans and forearms. While it was a short spanking, it was a good spanking. We had cameras at two different spots in the room and it was interesting to see the spanking from these varying perspectives. It’s always very interesting to me when we watch back through these videos and the parts that I really don’t like are usually his favorites. It’s awfully funny how perception works!

My legs got an epic workout last night and I discovered muscles I forgot I had. Bent over the couch, unintentionally on my tip toes, I got a cramp in the back of my calf. Kneeling beneath him, feet under my bum and legs spread, I felt my ankles tingle, signaling they were beginning to fall asleep. One leg on the floor, the other lifted up onto the couch, I felt the whole back of my thigh burn.

Needless to say, positions were switched up frequently.

He was also trying to get a variety of videos and pictures during the whole thing – which I’m absolutely loving that he’s getting into. I said yesterday on FetLife, and I’ve alluded to it in the past, that I love when he plays photographer and I get to play model. Unfortunately, I often feel too shy, in front of him,to be as good of a model as I know I can be – so a lot of the pictures get vetoed by me before he even gets to see them. However, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it is definitely a huge turn-on for me. Huge!

We ended up losing a bunch of videos that were made that night. Neither of us can figure out how it happened and are sure that they must be somewhere, but where that is exactly, not sure. I haven’t been able to keep focus long enough to have the patience to figure it out, so we ended up just going with what we have, and ended up uploading another Pornhub clip… (although let’s be real, we can just call this one a video…!).

After the video was uploaded, we went upstairs to have more sensual and intimate sex than we’ve been having. Or at least that was the plan. It started with me on top and it was full of kissing and hands and eye contact. It’s been a long while since we had sex in, what I think is called, reverse cowgirl – me on top facing his toes. This particular position is rarely used because I often don’t feel very confident in the view – it’s a very open position, especially being that I tend to lean more forward – which is great when I’m in the mood to be looked at, not so much when I’m not.

This proved to be a lot for both of us and the next thing I knew, I was being mounted and fucked from behind. He wanted me to be noisy so he could get a recording of it. I came rather quickly, my hand just barely rubbing my clit but his cock hitting just the right angle inside of me. The recording continued as he pounded into me while I muttered all sorts of dirty things to him about filling me up and giving me his cock. The sensation of him cumming caused me to shudder beneath him.

This morning, he woke me up to 420 views on our second video, The Smoky Blowjob. We had expected to get more than our first video, but not hundreds more. We’ve been checking into Pornhub all day to watch our views climb and see the comments on our videos. It’s been a great deal of fun.

Probably my most favorite thing though, is this exploration of fantasy that’s happening between us. The constant open communication about sexual things – like desires and limits. Being able to feel comfortable checking in with one another, “And how are you feeling about that?“, and not feeling shame in anyway. The sexual dialogue, which is what I’ve always wanted, is just being incredible right now. It’s making me feel all sorts of lovely things about him and us.

I’m definitely having fun during all of this, although it is kinda hard to feel connected to all of it. It’s interesting to me how the idea of “authentic sexuality” has re-appeared so much in my thoughts, after so long of not thinking of it. It’s interesting that the things that I keep saying most have a lot to do with being authentic and that that seems to be at the front of my mind. And in a way it feels like it’s not me and him experiencing these things – but like other people, people who aren’t us. It’s an interesting sensation and experience, one that has me largely in silence.

The Boyfriend keeps asking, “How are you doing?” and I keep not knowing how to respond, because I’m just kinda meh… I’m equating it to the post-sex blues and we’ll see how I feel after his first night back at work to see if it’s anything more. I’m definitely not looking forward to spending the night away from him and imagine it’ll be an early bedtime because I’ll decide I’m missing him too much.

We plan on getting more videos this weekend and are impatiently awaiting the arrival of our restraints and my Blog-A-Holic bra and underwear, because we have tons of ideas surrounding those things. Also interesting that clothing seems to be spawning fantasies for us… I feel like I’m learning a lot of about me, him, and us during all of this!

Off the Beaten Path: A Quick Walk in the Woods

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

For as long as I can remember, The Boyfriend and I have talked about getting me a short skirt.

But we’ve never really looked for a short skirt. Typically, we don’t buy clothes with mainly sex in mind. We buy clothes with comfort in mind. We buy clothes with days with the kids in mind. So, if I get a skirt, it’s a long skirt that’s good for covering things up. But, we really wanted a short skirt.

After a night of talking about wants and desires, we ended up on Amazon browsing around and made a couple impulse purchases. He got a vest, which I’ve always said that I wanted to see him in, and I got a short skirt. It turns out it’s a very short skirt – like don’t-even-think-about-bending-over-a-little-bit-short (which is basically what I was looking for, but I think he had a little longer in mind).

As I expected it would, this skirt has spawned a great deal more fantasy-talking. Lots of ideas coming from both of us all from this one little skirt…

We’ve also both been enjoying taking walks around the beautiful trails. He will sacrifice hours of sleep for us to go hang out down by the river or stand in the forest.

These two things have resulted in the obvious fantasy of wearing the skirt out for one of our walks. We’ve both had varying degrees of the fantasy, me probably more than him, simply because I have more time to fantasize. Needless to say, arousal levels have been incredibly high around here as we wait to be able to put my skirt to use. After describing all the dirty thoughts on my mind, we decided to go walk down by the river and see if wearing my skirt down there on his next days off would even be a possibility.

[…]

No Longer #FucketListed: An Over-The-Knee Spanking

The List - For Adults 18+

Since the very beginning of my creation of bucket lists, I have had “get an over-the-knee spanking” at the very top.

When I was pregnant with Carter (about 8ish years ago), The Boyfriend had agreed to spank me. It was a short-lived situation that was a lot of fun for me. But after we had Carter, spankings went completely out the window. And that over-the-knee spanking stayed on the list.

Well, no longer!!!

He’s been spoiling me a lot lately. We’ve had some stuff going on aka “the crap we’re going through” (I’m attempting to write posts about this, but its taking some serious time, so I’m not going to go into too much detail), but in one way or another, things are changing for us. I think he feels very insecure in our relationship right now – and not without cause – and so he’s over-compensating in other ways in an attempt to save what feels to him like a failing relationship. Although, I assure you and him both that I am not going anywhere and have no desire to!!!

Anyways, back to the point of this post…

So, the spoiling started a few days ago. We went on a trip to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things and I walked out with basically an entire summer wardrobe. A few shirts, pants and shorts and a bunch of new thongs that I picked out because I knew he would like them. Then of course, there was the trip to Drumheller and that whole experience (which I’m also writing a post about…). On his last night off, I decide to slip into one of the dresses we got and one of the thongs.

We’re sitting on the couch and he decides to moisturize my feet and legs. This doesn’t happen very often anymore, but used to be a regular occurrence for us. After he’s done, he tells me to lay across his lap. I figure he’s just planning on moisturizing the backs of my thighs or maybe give me a nice ass massage. He lifts up the hem of my dress and then…

Hard, hard, hard slap right on my left cheek.

I squirmed, I kicked, I yelped. He liked that and the next thing you know, we’re having a good long spanking session. A hard spanking session. No real warm-up, no gentleness. He had said earlier in the day during an intense discussion that we were “going to have angry sex tonight“, and his hands felt angry but there was a tenderness in all the hardness.

I was all over the place on the couch across his legs. After the first few hits, every single one felt incredibly intense. My whole ass felt red everywhere, even though he had been hitting almost the exact same spot over and over on each cheek – save for the one closest to him. A few hits, just the edge of his palm or his fingertips, would nick between my legs and I would heave frantically – pain shooting through my insides and then subsiding in a way that literally made me feel the color red.

One good slap on my right cheek, sent me up on all fours and I collapsed with my head on his lap curled up in a ball. He wasn’t done with the spanking yet and continued to give me sporadic hard slaps in between drinking our coffees and smoking. When I laid back across his lap, in quick succession, three hard slaps on my left cheek. By now, that side felt fine for the most part – stingy but nicely numbing. So, the three hard slaps were gentle squirms, pleasurable wiggles, cooing. But then three hard slaps befell my right cheek. The second one caused me to kick up my legs and hold out my arms above my head, arch my back and squeal out. He had to hold my legs down to land the third hit and I swear I’ve never moved away from him faster.

He wanted pictures and told me to bend over the couch. Bright purple lines had begun forming all over both cheeks, especially the left one. You could see where he had hit hardest. Then, out of nowhere, the hardest slap. So hard that I still have a hand print leftover the next day! He was so sad that he didn’t get a video of my reaction. I flew forward and clasped onto the couch, bent down and moaned and groaned and whined, laughed out loud at the sensation, kept trying to stand up but the pain kept me crouching, gripping the couch for dear life!

He giggled and watched me squirm and wiggle and admired his handiwork. He came up behind me and stroked the hair out of my face and helped me to stand. Sitting on the couch was very hard, especially since I could feel the fabric of the couch through the soft dress that I was wearing, the coarse fabric scraping the welts that were now forming.

The sex afterwords was out of this world! My pussy actually ached when he woke me this morning for another round. I was bent over the arm of the couch, tied up for a short period, spread wide open and scrunched up in a tiny ball. He was on top, I was on top. Hands were absolutely everywhere and we were both drenched in sweat.

And I got so much amazing oral sex – like, I’m talking learned-new-things-about-how-wonderful-pleasure-can-be-type amazing!!! He spent time licking and kissing and sucking on things and in places that are rarely ever touched and kept doing this lovely thing with his lip coming up under my clit that would have my toes fiercely pointed. It was intimate and sensual and we were both surprised at how long it took me to cum. Which happened the first time kneeling over top of his face, with his hands going absolutely wild all over me.

There were so many intensely wonderful things happening everywhere. The crazy amount of eye contact – which typically isn’t a huge thing for The Boyfriend and I – during the fisting or the blowjob. His frequent use of his thumbs to either rub my clit or penetrate with, which I had told him that I had recently been fantasizing about a lot. There was also a lot of opportunity for each of us to admire each other – to admire his amazing body or to admire my vocalizations – especially being that we recently got a new picture taker AND for the first time in a few years brought the laptop up to make a home movie 😉

All-in-all, it was one of the greatest nights in our sexperiences, although like I said to him after the spanking, I’m sad that it will always be remembered directly along with the “crap we’re going through“. I’m sad that it’s a marred spanking. However, on the other hand, it’s greatness supersedes that sadness. It was almost everything you want in a sexperience. It was hours and hours and hours of some of best sex The Boyfriend and I have ever had. Not only was there great sex, but there was really great discussions had throughout.

At one point, there was just playful teasing while we browsed Amazon for sex toys – specifically restraints, because he’s apparently really into that right now (no complaints here 😉 😉 😉 ). Lots of questions about interests and limit-setting – neither of us is interested in enemas, hard limit! Another point, he gave me two options: go up to bed, get tied up and fucked, or go on cam and get fucked (which is inline with the “crap we’re going through“) and I immediately said “no” to option number two.

It always fascinates me how an emotionally-charged declination of consent can still result in amazing sex!

Because of the “crap we’re going through“, there were some incredibly awkward points of the sexperience. After the spanking and some of the beginning not-orgasm-focused oral and sex, he abruptly said, “I better never catch you with another man” – which stopped everything dead in its tracks and resulted in a good cuddling/comfort session. Or when I tried to explain, through very cryptic and broken sentences, that I absolutely hated that it took me breaking his heart to, nine years later, finally get an over-the-knee spanking or that I was worried that in some way he had felt obligated to spank me to be able to keep me – that he didn’t do it because he wanted to but because he felt like he had to. There were deep conversations mixed into all the sexiness going on and it made everything feel all that much more intense.

The worst part for both of us was when he came. We were trying really hard to cum together. He held off for so long and let me have two orgasms already. So, by the time he’s getting ready to cum and I’m on top and working on that third orgasm, it’s just not happening. He ends up cumming first at my encouragement. He’s decided he absolutely doesn’t like when this happens, because he ends up falling asleep without meaning to. He felt really bad afterwards that he had had to force himself to stay awake for my third and final orgasm of the night. I assured him that it hadn’t changed how I felt about the night.

We were open and vulnerable and wounded. It was beautiful and it hurt. It made me feel so much. And I desperately needed that!

I was expecting to feel more of the post-sex blues that I typically have the day after really mind-blowing sex between us. I was expecting to feel exhausted from the lack of sleep. I was expecting to be reeling mentally when I had time to think about all the things that happened last night. I was expecting to need some serious aftercare or for him to need it. But today, aside from aching thighs and a very tender, gently bruised backside, I feel really good. I feel full of love and optimistic and just really good. Waking up to another dose of sex and then spending the morning exchanging adoring glances with The Boyfriend has just really made everything feel blissful.

The Boyfriend’s Been Tweeting!

The Rantings - For Everyone

So, The Boyfriend joined Twitter about 3 years ago now.

I’m not sure what spurred him joining Twitter. Pretty sure it was the release of some game, probably something to do with beta-testing, and it sent him on a journey of recording gameclips and considering starting his own gaming site – which is something we both consider doing from time to time, especially being that the whole family desperately wants to be YouTube gamers (except for the girls, who still want to be on YouTube, just not for games…).


2015 was a busy year for him on Twitter and in the gaming world in general. Lots of really great new games including Star Wars Battlefront, Halo 5 Guardians, Fallout 4, plus the release of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer.


2016, he barely tweeted at all. Probably because we lost the cellphone that had the app that he used and he’s not a computer guy and only recently re-added the app on his tablet…


So now, it’s 2017, and he’s slowly making his comeback.

My favorite part so far has been all the old pictures he’s been posting as he’s been spending the last two days staying up late just so he can walk down memory lane. More than once every day for the last two, we’ve both stated, “Can’t believe it’s been 9 years…!“. And while we still technically have a few months to go until we’re officially at 9 years, we’re over the halfway mark, so we just call it 9 😉


So now, I totally invite you to go follow @Bukshot7, because he totally needs more than just cam girls following him! Personally, my favorite tweet is the “There are many reasons why @ValerieRayne13 (that’s me!) is the love of my life…” one, but I’m biased. What’s yours?

We Are So Freaking Adorable…

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Straight up, I have never enjoyed two pictures of The Boyfriend and I as much as I enjoy these ones that Kaeidyn took of us during our last trip to Bower Ponds (more pictures to come…).

And… Release…

The Rantings - For Everyone

It feels like it’s been an exceptionally long couple of days. 

Cazzwell has been sick, again. I feel like he gets sick a lot. It’s the amount of kids we have and the rapidly changing weather, it’s gotta be. But this one is just being rough!

He has been one heck of a grumpy baby. More than once, I’ve had to set him down and walk away and just let him cry for a few minutes, because it gets to be so overwhelming. It always tends to feel like he’s only grumpy for me – although the logical and rational me knows that that is only because he spends the most amount of time with me – in the moment when he’s just not giving up, the irrational side of me takes over and I just think, “My baby hates me!”.

My sleep schedule is absolutely all over the place and has been for about a week and a half. I’m lucky if I’m averaging 4 hours a night. I seem to have a lot of energy though. I stay up almost all night, sleep for a couple hours before the baby wakes up ridiculously early, doze while he’s playing in bed beside me until The Boyfriend gets home from work, and then I’m up again. I’m hoping something will give soon there because I can foresee it officially being too much in a day or two.

The two eldest kids have been trying my patience a great deal this week too.

Kaeidyn has technically been doing it for awhile now and it just keeps seeming to get worse and worse with her – which is to be expected but that does not make it any less trying. In this last week alone, two new rules have been created for her. She’s been missing a lot of school, making a lot of decisions without asking parents (like messaging me after she’s already at her friend’s house across town, “I’m staying here tonight!“, instead of messaging me beforehand and asking for permission…), and her snarky attitude is constantly present.

I’ve been trying to touch her and cuddle her more. She had pointed out awhile back that I was always saying that I loved the boys but never saying it to her. I hadn’t even noticed to be honest. There was awhile back there where she didn’t like hearing it and so, I guess I stopped saying it so much. So, I’ve been trying to be more affectionate to her, letting her know that she is truly loved. At first, she would flinch every time I’d stroke her hair or give me a dirty look if I said anything nice to her, acting like I was some weird alien species. It must be working though because she has actually come and sat on the couch next to me just to cuddle.

Eventually, we’ll figure this shit out…

Kenzie is following directly in his older sister’s footsteps. In this last week, I have literally had to yell over top of him that I didn’t want to hear his arguments anymore. He will take the most minor things and blow them up to huge proportions and have an absolute meltdown. He used to storm up to his room, slam his door and go to sleep. But now, he’ll stand there and just yell at you and argue with you. It is absolutely sucking the life out of me!

He’s now got a group of friends too, just like his sister. And because she was allowed to do such and such at his age, he immediately thinks that he gets to do it too. He doesn’t remember that, to some degree, Kaeidyn had to earn all that stuff. So, he’ll go to his friend’s house and then without telling anyone, leaves his friend’s house and ends up at another friend’s house. Or they’ll go to a park without telling any parents. Or he won’t come home from school until dinnertime. He also forgets, just like Kaeidyn, that he has to ask permission.

Carter has not been understanding the word “no” lately.

It’s a very fluid word for him. He thinks every little variation to the plan will change the answer. “Well, if this happened…” and he will constantly ask over and over again. You’d think he’d forget about it or something, but the next day, he’s still asking hoping the answer will change. And when you finally have had enough and get upset at him for not understanding the no, he pouts and pouts and acts like you’re the cruelest person in the world and like you’re being unfair only to him. And then the asking begins again…

Keirnan is the only kid that I have no real huge complaints about!

He’s been a great helper this last little while, which is such a change from just a little while ago. When I’m feeling frustrated with Cazzwell, he jumps in and takes over and is the best big brother you could ask for. When I need help making food or cleaning up a mess, as long as I say I need help, he gets up and goes about helping out. I think he’s been enjoying the feeling of taking care of things. He has been angry a lot towards Carter, which has been a struggle to figure out how to deal with, but I can’t always blame him for feeling like that towards his little brother, because Carter can be a real handful. And he seems to gravitate towards being annoying to Keirnan.

You punch a monkey so many times and eventually the monkey’s going to punch back!

I have been incredibly unproductive this last week too. I had a good two weeks of some seriously epic productivity. I was getting stuff done left and right, writing lots, keeping the main floor pretty darn clean, motivating the family to do their part. And then, it just all went out the window. I’ve spent this last week mostly glued to my computer, mostly wasting time and mostly trying to ignore the world around me. There’s been lots of game and Star Wars talk happening and I’m just not interested. I’m not interested in being interested this time around. I’m not even interested in faking interest. So, I’ve been trying to just kinda zone out and stay that way.

I’m hoping that The Boyfriend’s next two days off will give me some time to decompress from this last week. To have some sort of release. Have a bit of kid-free time, no electronics and hopefully really nice weather. In a perfect world, we would go for a drive somewhere and now that I have my ID, The Boyfriend would finally take me out drinking or dancing or something. Just something adult, for grown-ups.

I need to have some sort of experience because I’m starting to feel cooped up in all of it.

Days Off

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

Sunday, Monday and Tuesday cannot come fast enough!

The Boyfriend has three days off, finally! It feels like it’s been a really long time since he last had longer than two days off and when it’s two days, they go so fast that it’s just not enough. I’m hoping, crossing my fingers hard, that he’ll get a decent amount of sleep one of the nights to be awake enough to actually enjoy a day off together.

His last two days off, we only had sex once. Normally we try to have sex on both nights off to hold us over until his next nights off. But this time, the second night we were both way too exhausted. Our heads hit the pillow and we were asleep before we could even attempt to try for anything.

However, because my body hates me, my period decides to start yesterday. It’s unlikely that it’ll be done by his days off. I spent a good hour upset about it today while I was thinking about all the fun we could have on these days off. I’m getting over it though, because there’s still fun to be had. It’s just unlikely to be vaginal sex.

Honestly, I’m down for just some seriously good cuddling. I want to lie on his chest while he strokes my hair. I want to sleep with his arm wrapped around me. I want to lay on his lap while we’re watching TV. I just want him near me and touching me. I’m desperate to just feel him.

Sunday, Monday and Tuesday cannot come fast enough!

It’s Not That I Hate Lingerie…

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

In February, I tweeted:

The “wear more lingerie” line stuck out to me, because 2 years ago, The Boyfriend and I were going through a lull – as we do from time to time. In Awkward Conversations, “he praddled off his ideas of how we could fix this problem – including me buying lingerie, me being more forceful, me kicking him off of games earlier, me wearing a bra (so he has something to take off, not that he takes off any of the clothes I currently wear…), me doing this and me doing that and me working my ass off to make him attracted to me.“.

And every time I read studies like this, I am just always shocked how the sexual health of a relationship is always put on the woman’s shoulders. Okay, and obviously not always, but more often than not!

I am a woman who doesn’t wear underwear. If you didn’t know that about me, now you do!

I grew up with very small breasts. Basically, I had nipples. I would wear bras, but the smallest sizes were still too big for me. I still wore them though because I had been absolutely convinced that if I didn’t, even my tiny breasts would sag. I had Kaeidyn and began wearing bras because I had jumped from under an A cup to a C cup and attempted to breastfeed and then stopped abruptly and the whole entirety of my social circle yelled at me that without a bra, my breasts would sag and look terrible.

Then, I had Kenzie. With Kaeidyn, I didn’t get to breastfeed even though I had desperately wanted it. I tried for a few days but my milk had become infected. Kenzie took to the breast with ease and I was able to go for a couple months with him. But then, he stopped getting anything nutritional from me and would spend hours sucking away and getting nothing. He was constantly starving and my chapped nipples couldn’t keep up. Two days into this and I became incredibly engorged.

The bra came off and never went back on!

Underwear is a sporadic thing for me. I always have a couple pairs on hand for period week and if I get a yeast infection or am wearing jeans, I won’t go without them. But, for the most part, I’m always without my underwear. I basically moved out of my Mom’s house and it became a thing to do every once and awhile and now, probably because of laziness more than anything, I hardly ever wear underwear.

And why can’t that be just as sexy as the girl who chooses to wear lace and crotchless panties?

I ranted on Facebook around the same time as the awkward conversation two years ago, “You know what’s annoying about lingerie…?

They do not show it on bodies of Mom’s, who have curves in all the “wrong” places – so everything that even hints at the showing off a baby belly immediately feels like it’s just “not for you”.

Then, they show these beautiful pristine models in these awkward poses that no way in hell the average woman is going to do – hell, even know to do.

And seriously, why do we all have to be barbie dolls for our men?!? He can wear boxers that cost him $5, I have to wear lingerie that costs me $50 and isn’t even flattering to who I am as a person….

I freaking love lingerie. I look at it all the time. I imagine myself wearing it regularly. I hope to one day make some of my own! I don’t, by any means, hate lingerie. But sometimes, I seriously hate that I’m SUPPOSED to love it. And that I’m SUPPOSED to wear it to keep my man interested in me!!!

Still Snowing

The Rantings - For Everyone

It has felt like a very long couple of weeks. Very long. And I expect that it’s going to take awhile for everyone to recover.

In my last post, I was freaking out a little bit about our annual inspection. The Boyfriend worked incredibly hard and we ended up having no problems passing. We were a bit surprised, because we both felt incredibly unprepared, even though we pulled multiple overnighters. But, we’re all good for another year!

My sister also moved to town and then her kids came to visit her and because Mom’s boyfriend was in town, everyone ended up at my house. So I had three days of extra people here – which was amazing and awesome and probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do all year. It felt like a lot of work, probably because I’m not used to dealing with that many people.

By The Boyfriend’s second day off, we were itching for alone time. Quiet time. We finally got it last night and we both soaked it up like crazy. Even ended up getting rid of Cazzwell in the morning and slept the entire day away – which was so desperately needed after a series of very late nights and ridiculously early mornings. Hopefully, now that the big stressful stuff is done, The Boyfriend and I will finally be able to get on some sort of more-regular sleep routine.

The kids are all doing pretty good. Kaeidyn has been pushing her luck a lot lately and her attitude has been wildly out of control. I ended up taking her phone away from her for a few days because I just couldn’t get over how she was treating everyone. The way she talks sometimes just absolutely astounds me. She can be so angry for absolutely no reason and has the ability to just break your heart with her words. I see a lot of “consequences” in her future.

Kenzie, Keirnan and Carter have all been pretty darn amazing. They’ve been helping keep up on the cleaning ever since the inspection and have all been having fun taking turns “babysitting” Cazzwell – really, the adults are just in another room (like when I make dinner) – but they don’t care about that. They’ve even been getting along better, although Carter has been having a great time playfighting lately.

Cazzwell is growing up way way way too fast. Pulling himself up on everything now and he is just so ready to be on the move. He crawls so fast! He’s gotten into yelling as loud as he can for absolutely no reason and for such a small kid, he’s the loudest of the bunch. We’ve been attempting to get him on more solid foods and sometimes it seems to go great and other times, it’s a bit of a pain. There isn’t too much that he really enjoys eating lately and for the most part, he just makes a big mess.

I ended up spending the three days that my sister was here completely off my computer. I haven’t done that in awhile and definitely not while we still had internet. It was surprising to me how easy it was. Normally, I’m itching after a few hours. This time, day three I started to notice. I’m working on a few different projects right now, so I’m super glad to finally be able to concentrate on that stuff. Hopefully, I’ll get one of the projects done very soon.

It’s snowing a lot lately. We had a week of really warm weather – like, wear your t-shirt outside weather. Then, big globs of snow. And while the snow only lasts half the day and mostly melts before nightfall, waking up in the mornings to nothing but white in the middle of spring is just so utterly depressing! I am desperate for warmth and sun and blue skies – and based on the weather right now, it’s going to be a very short burst of that before we go back to winter. It’s very sad.

Who else is still getting snow? Rant about it with me in the comments below!

Scatterbrained

The Rantings - For Everyone

I have been attempting to write for days now. I’ve technically done a lot of writing. My drafts folder is filled with half-finished posts. Finishing things is absolutely not happening for me right now. It means that I’ve been refusing to hit publish.

It’s the weather. It’s the cleaning. It’s that crap between The Boyfriend and I that I have yet to be able to adequately write about. It’s the kids – especially the daughter who has been upsetting everyone and the baby who has been incredibly needy. It’s everything! Absolutely everything is making it hard for me to get anything done or to even want to do it in the first place.

I have never helped so little in preparation for our annual inspection. I was pregnant last year and worked 10x harder than I have this year. For all my bitching about The Boyfriend, he has been beyond amazing, because he’s just been working circles around me – even though he’s exhausted from working and getting less than 6 hours of sleep almost every single day.

We’re down to 3 days before the inspection and there is still an epic laundry list of things to do. Right now, I feel like if we pass, it’ll be because they’ve lowered their standards. However, I feel like this 3 days before every single year and somehow we manage to pull it all together and make this place look spectacular. So, I’m hopeful…

We’ve got so much stuff to do this time of year. I always look forward to Spring because not only does it bring warmer weather but it also brings the largest amounts of money we see all year. Profit sharing and taxes hit within weeks of each other, plus our paydays, and we never go through periods of having to borrow money from people like we do in Winter – because of birthdays, back-to-school and Christmas being all clumped together. However, it becomes one of our busiest times of year because there’s always stuff to do.

Everyday I’m adding stuff to the list of stuff that we’ve gotta do. The Boyfriend’s poor face whenever I do just breaks my heart. He gets his hopes up that he’s going to get to sleep longer and then I remind him that we have to do this or that and his sleep decreases by an hour. I feel so bad for him right now. I can never get over the fact that he does all of this and doesn’t complain once. He never whines or pouts (at least, not outright), he doesn’t distance himself from me (even though, it’s gotta bother him when I’m sitting on the couch and he’s cleaning after being awake for 20 hours…), he never gets mad. I’ve been sure to be a constant stream of appreciation for his absolute amazingness.

My Mom is also being a great help and taking the kids for a night so that we can focus without having to tag team so much. It’s hard to get anything done when the boys wanna tell you a story and the baby wants to be held and the daughter is asking if she can go somewhere with someone. I’ve been finding that my brain is super scattered lately because of all the information for all the people that I’m holding in it. Trying to keep track of friends names and which YouTuber the boys are into and how much food did the baby actually eat today – it’s all just a lot of stuff going on up there. Not to mention my own ideas, thoughts, fantasies and daydreams.

It’s just the beginning of April, but I absolutely feel like I’m ready for it to be over already…

#ListeningTo Angsty Music of My Teenagehood

The Rantings - For Everyone

I’m writing more of a post about this issue with The Boyfriend but he keeps adding fuel to the fire and the post must wait. So I will just share this quick Google+ update with some of the music I was #ListeningTo this morning. I kept trying to figure out why my playlists were sounding so much like a 14-year-old girls and I think I figured it out!

Spring Cleaning 2017

The Rantings - For Everyone

It’s inspection time again and I am feeling burdened…

We’ve had this annual inspection every year that we’ve lived in this place and yet, every single time that it comes around, it causes me the most insane amount of stress. The stress is caused by the fact that we could potentially face eviction if all does not go perfectly. And that would be the worst!

Even though I feel like we’ve been cleaning more than ever and more consistently than ever, it feels like there is a lot of things to do. Really, it’s a lot of the jobs that get neglected all year long, like washing the walls and baseboards or cleaning out the closets. Winter is just ending too, so we’ve got some yard work needing to be done.

It always seems to be the worst time of year for us in the sense that we’re not set up to do a big spring clean. The kids are home for two weeks, meaning that messes are way more frequent and overwhelming than usual. The Boyfriend always seems to be working the longest times during this time and also ends up having to do a big majority of the cleaning and it must just be incredibly hard for him. Last year, I was pregnant. This year, a baby makes where someone always needs to be watching him.

We’ve been tag-teaming cleaning as much as possible and I have really perfected the art of delegation with the kids. Everyone but Kaeidyn has been super helpful lately too. Keirnan will make a face and pout and tears gather in his eyes, but he’ll get up off his butt and do the work. Kenzie and Carter are my two best little helpers – although Carter’s jobs often require telling him to redo them over and over again. But between The Boyfriend and I, we’ve been slacking a lot because it’s like, “Okay, you go clean this while I watch Cazzwell and then you watch him while I go clean this!” and we just do not work well that way.

Right before spring break started, all the kids got sick as the weather got warm very fast. We went from -30 Celsius to +10 and every single one of them got stuffed noses and bad coughs – even The Boyfriend, which almost never happens. Carter had a few days where his ears were really bugging him and is still looking exceptionally pale. Cazzwell has been a bundle of sickness!!

Every time we think he’s over it and he clears up and his nose stops running it ends up being the calm before the storm! He’s been congested. It goes away and during the day you hardly notice and then at night, he wakes up from his sleep coughing or snoring extra loud because of the phlegm. Then, because he’s 6 months now, he’s “leveled up” in formula and we’ve been trying to introduce more solids into his diet. This has caused him to have a bit of constipation.

Can you believe that I have had a handful of babies and have never had to personally deal with constipation?!?

It has been stressful and heartbreaking and exhausting and a great test of patience! I often crawl into bed at night just absolutely flabbergasted that I made it through the day. Like, how?!? How did I put up with that kid slapping the other kid across the face? How did I get through the fight with Kaeidyn over her cellphone? How did I manage to do the dishes and make a meal? How the heck did I do it?!?

The next few days will become more and more focused on cleaning. We are finally getting a new-to-us washing machine and won’t have to pack up bags of laundry to take down to my Mom’s to do once a week! The Boyfriend and I are planning a dump run with our old broken down washing machines, which will immediately make our basement feel cleaner. He’s picked up all the cleaning supplies we will need and has worked out a general timeline of all the things he needs to get done.

And then we’ll cross our fingers and hope for the best in two weeks time…

I Caved Because That’s What I Do

The Rantings - For Everyone

Written about a week ago:

I stopped saying “I love you” nine days ago…

I didn’t think he had noticed and now that I think about it, it took him quite a few days to notice. Day seven, I started getting upset that he wasn’t noticing, so I said, “I can’t believe it’s been seven days“. After a few wrong guesses he said, “Since you said you loved me?” and I looked at him almost surprised that he had actually figured it out.

I said, “Oh really? You noticed?!?

He said, “I kinda thought something was up the other night on Facebook.

I said, “And you didn’t think to say anything?!?

The conversation basically ends and we spend the next half hour in awkward silence. He leaves for work and doesn’t say “I love you“, like he always does and has been doing for the last eight years.

I send him a Facebook message. “FYI, choosing to not say “I love you” to me is definitely not the way to deal with me not saying it for the past 8 days. Unless you want to become the type of couple that doesn’t say it…

He responds on his lunch break, I’m assuming mostly jokingly that, “Maybe I’ve been saying it too much for you lately.

I send him back a novel-length rant about how it would be nice if instead of just assuming what I’m thinking, he would ask. I rant at him, “Do you not care?!?” and throw in some un-useful profanities and then just abandon my argument, “Forget I said, or didn’t say, anything!“. I’m tired, I don’t feel like talking about it anymore, I’ve given up. So, I go to bed and don’t say anything for the rest of the night.

This morning, he comes home from work. You can see the upset all over his face, but he plays it cool and comes and grabs baby and makes it seem like he’s giving me the option to sleep in. I was just going to sleep but my bladder wouldn’t give up, so I came down to go to the washroom. Then, I sat on the couch with him.

After a little while of a tense silence, he says, “I was going to respond to you last night. Wrote a bunch on my lunch break and then deleted it…“. I couldn’t help a sarcastic, “That’s great!“. A few more minutes of silence and then he says timidly, “Maybe I haven’t been caring very much lately.” and of course, I’m completely taken aback. Because I seriously thought I was being irrational when I said it.

Ever since my birthday…“, he adds.

On his birthday this year, we were having an especially rough week. Money wasn’t working out, the kids were all being absolutely out of control, shit just wasn’t being friendly to us. On his birthday morning, when I very first woke up, before I had even had my first sip of coffee or was even aware that it was March 3rd, he was desperate to hear “Happy Birthday“. And I get it, it was the big 3-0.

So, he’s absolutely right. I was a total bitch that day for not making a bigger deal of his birthday. And the bad girlfriend award goes to…

But I couldn’t help but be slightly upset. Because yet again, here we are – I bring up a problem that I’m having, in the way that I always bring it up – awkwardly! But instead of discussing why I’m having a problem or what my issue is, it suddenly gets flipped to why he’s having a problem or what his issue is and how it’s all my fault…

I just honestly didn’t feel like talking about it in this direction. He’s supposed to care about why I haven’t been saying it. And could I tell you exactly why I haven’t been? Not completely. I think I have a list of things, but for every single one of them, I could tell you exactly how he would respond to make it my fault. And he wouldn’t be wrong. He asks with a hint of snark, “So then, why haven’t you been saying it?“. Bottom lip quivering, voice shaking, I threw up my hands and said, “What’s the point?!?“.

The conversation was dropped entirely. Until he went to go up to bed – at a decent hour, might I add!

We cuddled on the couch for a long time. Then he hugged me and said he had to go to bed. “I really do love you so much…. Much more than you think I do.“, and I mumbled into his neck that I wanted to come to bed with him. He invited me up and we went and crawled into bed. While what he said is amazing and sweet and beautiful, it’s not what I wanted to hear or how I wanted the conversation to end.

I’m well aware of the fact that he loves me. There is no doubt in my mind. And I hope that I’ve made it very clear to him that this has nothing to do with me not loving him because I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love him. But me not saying “I love you” to him had nothing to do with love.

I wanted him to notice! And then care! And be interested!

Let’s be real – we don’t have that much in common. He likes action movies, I like dramas. He likes videogames, I like blogging. He likes Star Wars, I like Star Trek. I’m kinky, he’s vanilla!!!! We don’t have much in common.

And this is where I get the great girlfriend award! I take on his interests so that we do share something. I play his vidoegames and keep up on the news so that when E3 rolls around and he starts wishlisting games like crazy, I know what he’s talking about. I listen to the Star Wars news years before the movies are even considering being released and keep up on which Jedi did what. I pay fucking attention!!

But, in 8 years, he hasn’t read a single one of my blog posts… When I play guitar, he turns away from me with his videogame volume up and is totally focused on an online game – so he doesn’t even try to keep the kids quiet for a session… He’s never opted in to watching any of my YouTube videos – unless I put them on when he’s sitting next to me… He shows no interest in my interests whatsoever and can hardly even fake it if I’m talking about it. He literally looks completely dazed if I start talking about how I can’t form a barre chord or that my domain registration needs to be renewed in a few months!

And yet again, falling asleep during my attempt at a second orgasm just totally blew the whole thing up in my face!

I wanted him to notice me. And care about me. And be interested in me. So, I stopped saying “I love you“, in hopes that he would take notice of the fact that I wasn’t saying our most favorite words in the whole world. In hopes that he would care why I wasn’t. In hopes that he would be interested. But, that wasn’t the case…

I can never stand when there is that awkward tension between us. I hate when there’s silence and when our arms aren’t wrapped around each other. I especially can’t stand it when it begins to feel like all those feelings are irrational in some way. I just want it to end and he doesn’t typically end it (he’d probably say something like, “Because you never give me a chance!”). He can give me the silent treatment for days. So, I’ll normally drop it and that’s exactly what I did.

I told him I loved him on the 9th day. I meant every word of it.

Truly Living – My FetLife Poem

The Writing - For Adults 18+

Today, I updated my FetLife profile because for the first time in over a year, The Boyfriend and I had pictures to add (post to come about that later tonight because I have stuff to do right now…)! So, I didn’t want to add them to a basically abandoned profile.

While I was updating, I came across this poem that I had written about a year ago and felt like I wanted to share it here – for all of the people who can’t see my FetLife profile.

His hand wrapped around my throat, and I felt safe.
His fingers pressed into me, my breath suspended.
He watched me closely, waiting for the signal.
I tapped out and he stroked my hair.
I gasped and felt truly alive.

What I Learnt From A Month of Orgasms

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

It’s always been #FucketListed for me to orgasm everyday for an entire month.

I mean, sure, I’d love to do it everyday for the rest of my life, but I was trying to be realistic. However, I never really thought I would do it but then I realized a couple days ago that I’m 3 weeks into orgasming everyday at least once a day and figured I should just hold out for 7 more days and then I can un-#FucketListed this!

Sometimes, I had an orgasm during sex and sometimes I had an orgasm from masturbation. Almost always I came from manual (hands/fingers) stimulation of my clit – except for the odd oral orgasm. Sometimes, The Boyfriend was there, actively participating or falling asleep and sometimes, he was at work and I was alone. Every single time was in my bed.

So, what I have learnt about myself, my body and my sexuality over this month-long sexperiment?

  1. The More I Masturbate, The Longer It Takes

    Week 1, I would spend typically 15 – 20 minutes to get to The Big O – unless The Boyfriend was lying next to me sleeping, in which case, it would normally take longer. This last week (so Week 3/4), I haven’t had a single night take me less than 45 minutes

  2. My Mind Runs Wild

    When it comes to sex, The Boyfriend and I typically tend to do the same things over and over again. Not like we have gotten into some rut, but because we both know what we like and we like to do the things that we enjoy. So, we do them!

    But during this month of orgasming daily, my mind has been going wild with all sorts of interesting things. Some nights, I like to stick to fantasizing about what we actually do. But other nights, my mind dips into fantasies I didn’t even know that I had and I’m always surprised at how it keeps coming up with all new things.

    I’ve never had so many sexual fantasies on my brain all the time!

  3. Orgasms Feel Really Good

    After a long and stressful day of cooking and cleaning and dealing with the kids and a baby, nothing feels better than crawling into bed and reaching my hands down my pants. And even though getting to the orgasm can sometimes feel like an unbearable amount of work and I sweat more during the mission than at any other time, that release is the best feeling ever!

    When my muscles all contract and things pulse. I just feel so good. And sleep comes so quickly after working towards my goal for 45 minutes and then achieving it. So much peace!!

  4. Periods Suck!!!

    So, orgasming for 3 weeks… That shit was easy! Week 4 is going to be a challenge. And I never considered this prior to experiencing it, but I forgot entirely that every month, you bleed for a week! Probably because I was just pregnant and didn’t bleed for a long time, but man oh man.

    Orgasms feel incredibly good when you’re on your period. They ease a lot of the unpleasant symptoms of menses. However, there is nothing less arousing than having to push your pad out of the way and hope that you don’t get blood all over your fingers.

  5. One Is Almost Never Enough

    I’m absolutely a 2-orgasm kinda girl. That first orgasm just doesn’t do it for me. It’s like foreplay for me, it just turns me on more. The wetness from that first orgasm always makes where a second is necessary. Only when I was so exhausted that I couldn’t move anymore did I not go for a second.

    Sometimes, a second isn’t even good enough and I had a number of nights where there were upwards of five. The more I did it, the more I felt like I could do more. And when I didn’t go for more when I felt the urge to, I felt like it wasn’t as great of a night, wasn’t as successful, wasn’t as pleasurable. Rarely was the first orgasm good enough to just leave it at that.

I thought after having an orgasm everyday for a month that I would have some sort of cathartic experience where I knew my body and my soul better. I would be in touch with some sort of deeper me. But the reality is, the most prolific thing that I learnt during this sexperience, is that I really love orgasms!

I really love the act of working towards an orgasm. I love exploring the dirty thoughts in my mind and just giving myself over to the pleasure. I love the involuntary rocking and pulsing and throbbing and buildup and release. I love “the final paroxysm” and the way my body tightens and contracts in this amazing rhythm that feels like my own personal symphony. And I love that floaty head feeling, when all your limbs are limp and your heartbeat returns to normal and you can feel the heat of your flushed cheeks.

Could I go for longer than a month? I don’t think so. Could I go for a year? I definitely don’t think so. Would I learn something new if I went longer? Maybe… Orgasms take a lot out of you for how wonderful and amazing they are. It’s not only physically exhausting to be having one or more orgasms everyday, it’s also mentally exhausting. Does the experience make me want more orgasms? Yes, absolutely.

#NostalgiaJunkie: 4 Quotes From 4 Years Ago

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

I kissed him. I didn’t know what else to do.

It felt like I consciously gave up that night…

There is a big part of me that is just ready to throw in the towel on this whole kink thing for the time being.

I don’t think he’s ready. And I don’t know if he ever will be…

I’m Mad At Him, And I Don’t Think He’s Noticed

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

I’m not mad at him for any good or particular reason. But it’s pissing me off more that he’s not noticing.

It all started a few nights ago. We had really great sex. I orgasmed during it but as usual, wanted to have that second orgasm. When he cums, it turns me on so much. I always want an orgasm afterwards, otherwise I spend the next few days until we have sex again, absolutely and utterly aroused. So, I always go for a second orgasm.

But, he’s already cum. He works, he’s a Dad, he’s tired at the best of times. Add in a great orgasm and it’s near impossible for him to stay awake afterwards. Sometimes, I don’t mind and will bring myself to orgasm as he falls asleep next to me and it’s okay and I’m fine with it. Sometimes, it makes me upset and angry and I bring myself to orgasm just to spite him – even though he sleeps right through it, so really, doesn’t affect him.

If I’m especially angry at him, as I was after this really great sex, I’ll intentionally fantasize about another guy. Another guy coming into my room and taking over the monumental task of bringing me to my second orgasm. He’s not there to have sex with me or make me feel loved or any of that bullshit, his job is purely to get between my legs and love my pussy until I explode into orgasm. I always feel guilty after this fantasy.

I woke up the next day really mad at him for yet again falling asleep on me. I get that he’s tired, I’m sympathetic. But there is no way in hell that I would fall asleep during his orgasm – regardless of how long it was taking to get there or if it was his first or fifth. I’m a Mom raising 5 kids, I’m exhausted too, but I would never just pass out and make him work for it himself. In the last year, he’s literally had to work for 1 of his orgasms – 1!!! We weren’t in the same province and he had to work for 1 orgasm – which, might I add, I stayed awake for and watched while we were videocalling each other!!!

Like, it just makes me want to scream. It makes me wonder why no one cares about my orgasm. Especially when he’s always claiming, “Oh, I love it when you orgasm. I love to watch you cum!” blah blah fucking blah!!!

Then, his sleep schedule has been all over the place. First, he was sleeping when all the kids were at school. A lot of times, I’d just stay in bed with him. Then, we had baby and he’s an early riser. So, I’d get out of bed when he got home from work in the morning and then he would sleep after the kids got home from school. Then, out of nowhere, he’s started doing where he sleeps for part of the morning, gets out of bed for the afternoon and then finishes off his sleep with a nap before work. This constant changing of a sleep schedule that was working for us is absolutely getting to me.

Every time he closes his eyes, I feel an immediate anger at him. It feels like all he’s ever doing lately is sleeping. And I know that’s not true. I know he’s not getting anymore hours than he used to, I know he’s not getting deep, well-rested sleeps. But I can’t help but feel jealous that yet again he gets to crawl into bed and yet again he gets time without the kids and yet again…

Also had my first period back since the miscarriage. It was one of the roughest periods I’ve had in awhile – cramps, more bleeding than usual, massive mood swings – it was all over the place. And I’m guessing it probably has been contributing to the anger I feel towards The Boyfriend right now. I have to go through all these lady problems while he gets to just sit back and not have to experience it or go without orgasms because no one wants to touch a bleeding vagina and just argh!!