The Rantings - For Everyone

The Late-Term Ultrasound

So went for that late-term ultrasound I was talking about

As I’ve said before, I have a lot of anxiety surrounding these types of ultrasounds. Basically any late-term tests will make just about any Mom nervous, but late term ultrasounds are my particular Kryptonite. Today made me feel like all my anxieties are 100% justified…

For weeks now, we’ve been going to our prenatal appointments and being told that my weight looks good and I’m measuring right where I should be – even though I feel like I’m tiny for pregnant. Today, the first thing mentioned is that I’m measuring small, am I sure I have my dates right. I explain to them multiple times that I have measured small through all my pregnancies and that a lot of my babies were born really small. I’m also a pretty small person, so don’t get your hopes up on me having the biggest of babies! They bring it up at least two more times during this appointment…

Then, baby’s breech. Honestly came as a shock to me because I was sure she was head down. My baby’s are normally always head down. But, even though I’m still weeks away from my due date, on my 7th pregnancy and having a c-section, it should not have made them all react to the news of a breech the way they did. I felt like I had to be the calming voice of reason for a room full of professionals because everyone seemed to get real worked up over this.

Not even ten minutes into my appointments, only a few measurements in, and the doctor is coming in and pointing out a sign that reads that while they’ll tell us if they find anything, there’s still a 5% chance that our baby will be born with a problem not detected at this late stage of ultrasound. Thank goodness I am a 7th time mother and not a 1st time mother and knew this particular thing, because otherwise I’m sure it would’ve taken me back. And I understand that he’s also a doctor that deals with infertility a lot, so he would tend to put disclaimers all over the place, but I don’t think ten minutes into the appointment was the place to do it…

I told them about a hundred times that because I’m a night owl, my baby is a night owl. She was likely to not move too much or be more lethargic because it’s the day. Generally, she’s up all night kicking and rolling and moving and then is mostly quiet during the day and it’s been this way for awhile now. I tell them this over and over again, and even though she’s visibly moving on the ultrasound and kicking the radiologist, they keep talking about needing to “wake her up” and poking and prodding on my stomach like crazy people!

Even send me for a non-stress test. In which it took three of them to find the baby’s heartbeat, because instead of just once trying to put the Doppler on the part of my stomach where you could visibly see the curve of the baby’s back, they were all trying to put it where the ultrasound told them they would best pick it up. After a few minutes, I picked the damn thing up and moved it over there and instead of strapping it down, they just made me hold it there for the next thirty minutes.

And throughout the whole damn thing, I have this doctor coming in lecturing me about how I need to go to the hospital if I haven’t felt the baby move. I am literally clicking the button saying my baby is kicking, her heart rate is doing the jump and fall that kicks usually produce, the paper is literally giving the exact readout they want and I’m getting a constant stream of going to the hospital about my baby kicking. And I’m doing everything in my power not to roll my eyes and burst out in tears all at the same time..

I left, generally just raging. I kept my polite Canadian face on through the entire exit, but the moment I was out the door, The Boyfriend got to listen to a very big rant. Hate how stupid doctors can be sometimes.


So the next day, my Mom calls me on Facebook to let me know that my doctor called. She’ll be over in a few minutes so I can call her back. I call the doctor back thinking it’s probably nothing, they just want to go over the results of the ultrasound. Nope…

She asks if I can go up to the hospital to see a specialist because my amniotic fluid was quite low. All the kids had just been dropped off to go bowling and thank goodness for my Mom because she was my absolute superhero in the moment. The Boyfriend couldn’t leave work, so she worked out babysitters and re-worked the plans for the kids so that she could drop me off at the hospital.

I spent the next three hours, strapped to the stupid fetal heart rate machine waiting for the specialist to finally come and see me. It was honestly one of the biggest wastes of my time ever. Because all the specialist did was refer us to another specialist to have a more in-depth ultrasound.

I really hate how out of the loop we’ve been kept about a majority of this pregnancy. As I’m laying in the hospital bed, nurses’ station only a few feet away from me, I get to hear about how what I thought was a routine ultrasound was actually a biophysical profile – that our baby failed. That not only did they find only a small amount of amniotic fluid, they also couldn’t visualize the baby breathing (although not an entirely worrisome thing this late on, it would explain why they were all freaking out about “waking her up“). And apparently my baby’s weight has not been right on track, as I’ve been told, throughout a majority of this pregnancy!

And I was especially upset that not once did anyone give me any indication of how this problem of low amniotic fluid is dealt with. Right now, they want to do another ultrasound, that’s all I’ve been told. They’ll come up with a plan after that. From what I’ve read online and in my baby books, it’ll most likely be amnioinfusion (which sounds riskier than I’d like) or delivery (which means baby would be in the hospital for quite awhile before coming home). But I hate relying on information that I read because I know that doctors could literally do anything – even stuff that you’d never read about online. And I understand that it all changes based on the various and specific circumstances related to your particular case, but seriously… I hate being left in the dark!

What people, especially doctors, don’t realize about me is that when I was a kid, I was determined I was going to become a doctor. For fun in my youth, I used to read medical textbooks. To this day, I still get excited when reading medical literature and somehow manage to understand a ridiculously large amount of it. I enjoy medicine and am fascinated by it. I’m also far more comforted by too much medical information than too little.

I mean, here I am at the hospital strapped to this machine. I’m the only patient in this particular testing area with two nurses and a resident. We’re talking away like a bunch of gabbing teens. I even joke at one point when a janitor comes in and one of the nurses is in her way that we’re just having a slumber party in here. We’re talking mostly about medicine, kids and babies – as you do when you’re bored and stuck on the maternity ward! Nonchalantly, I ask what side the liver is on. I’m pretty sure I know the answer (left-side) but wasn’t sure. They literally had to Google it!!! These people are supposed to be trained to know things about the human body and yet they literally had to Google something as simple as basic anatomy.

It just makes you feel like there is no point in seeing doctors because they are just as freaking clueless as the rest of us. It’s all just an educated guessing game. And while I may not have been pre-med or gone to medical school, I seem to be all educated up in this particular situation. I could make just as informed of a guess as they can!

So now, tomorrow we take a two hour trip out to Calgary to do a better ultrasound with a more experienced specialist and then who knows what happens. I’m sincerely hoping that it’s not a situation where we end up having our baby in Calgary. And I’m kinda hoping that they don’t decide to just “closely monitor” this pregnancy, because I really don’t want to be going for tests constantly over the next 5-6 weeks. Especially with how much stress it all causes me. How much rage and upset it all causes me.

I guess we’ll just wait and see…

The Rantings - For Everyone

And… Cue Panic Attack

It is ridiculous to me how much anxiety making grown-up phone calls gives me. When I have to call and book a doctors appointment, it’s like full-out exhaustion-inducing stress. I literally feel the effects of the stress of it all day long. And it’s not like it’s hard or like there’s ever been a bad outcome or like anything bad is going to happen – I can’t explain what it is that stresses me out about it.

Today, I had to call the doctor that will be doing my c-section. They had already had a bunch of appointments booked for me over the next little while, including a late-term ultrasound.

There is nothing that makes me more uneasy and anxious than late term ultrasounds. No matter how many babies I have and how many times I’ve done them, they just give me automatic flashbacks to all the terror and uncertainty of pregnancy with Kaeidyn. I immediately remember 17-year-old me getting my stomach slapped by a doctor and then being told that my baby wasn’t moving and then spending the next few hours in a terrifying rush. I immediately remember the feelings and the fear and the tears and hearing her cry from the first time and just feeling absolutely disconnected from it.

That whole first c-section experience, my first labor experience, just really has left a sour taste on my tongue that has followed me through subsequent pregnancies. And now that we’re doing the c-section and now that we’re not just talking about it but actively booking appointments for it, I’m just bogged down in nerves by it. I just feel like a nervous ball of nervous energy.

And The Boyfriend could not possibly be more distracted. This whole obsession with traveling and camping and becoming wilderness outdoorsman is taking over everything! Literally, I call the doctor and I start lip quivering over how nervous late term ultrasounds make me, and next thing I know he’s planning a camping vacation with the boys – which I’ve been listening to planning and ideas about for three days now! I talk about how we’ve only got a few weeks left until baby is here and the subject swiftly gets changed to the hiking trail he just found that would be so great to do with the boys. His mind is not at all even thinking about baby and c-section and frankly, it is pissing me right off!

You have no idea how many times in the last few weeks, I have to remind him that I won’t be able to do all these things this summer – I will have just gone through major abdominal surgery, I will have just had a baby – and even if those previous two things weren’t happening, I am not an outdoor campy hiking person. You can’t expect me to do 100km of hiking in a summer – which is his ultimate goal right now… And I’m sitting here just like, “Can I have a minute to maybe get over pregnancy first?!?“.

The only time I’ve ever seen him even slightly obsessed with anything half this much is when a new Star Wars movie is coming out. He is just ridiculously obsessed with this camping/hiking idea. It’s all I’ve heard about for a really really long time now. He talks about it non-stop and when he’s not talking about it, he’s sitting on his cellphone literally mapping out trips that he wants to take and places he wants to go. Almost everyday he’s coming home from work with a new area he wants to travel to and a new place he wants to explore and a new campsite he wants to stay at.

On one hand, it’s absolutely freaking adorable. He can be such a passionate Pisces sometimes. On the other hand, can we focus on my pregnancy until it’s over and then be passionately obsessed with other things…?!?

#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #13 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #13 – Loverly


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Who was the first person you fell in love with? (Describe the person to us)

The first time I saw him, he had bright blonde hair styled into a mohawk and a big baggy white t-shirt on. I don’t remember why, but he caught my attention on that crowded chaotic morning in the first French class of the year, and I was immediately obsessed with him.

He was a chunkier guy with a serious case of bad acne and a total punk rocker from head to foot. He taught me how to play guitar, would get upset when I’d wear skirts or make up, wanted us to be drug and alcohol free, and he was my first just about everything!

Ours was a passionate, abusive, fucked-up and totally childish kind of love.

Question 2:
What does love feel like?

It’s hard to describe what love feels like, because it almost never feels the same twice. It’s different for every person I’ve ever felt it for. But it’s one of those things where when you feel it, you know it, because something about is familiar, comfortable, just right.

Question 3:
Where were you the first time you told a romantic partner you loved them?

I’m pretty sure, although I could be entirely wrong, that the first time my first boyfriend and I said “I love you” to each other was underneath the stars on a night out with a group of friends. I’m pretty sure I gave him our first handjob that night too…

With Alfie, we were babysitting my nephew at my sister’s apartment. He was getting ready to go to work and as he was walking out the door, I said “Olive Juice and Elephant Shoes” and he looked at me confused and walked out the door. When he came home that night, he walked in the door and said, “I love you too!“.

The Boyfriend and I took a long while to get to the point of saying “I love you“. We talked about doing it for weeks prior to actually doing it. There were many moments where we were both like, “I think I want to but I’m just not sure…“. We had both just been through harsh break-ups, felt weird in the fact that there was a time when we didn’t really like each other and now here we were falling love, and also Alfie was still so much a part of the picture.

Question 4:
When should you tell a person you love them?

I tend to take the “love” word pretty seriously. So I don’t like to rush into saying it and I won’t say it if I don’t mean it.

That being said, I also think you should never hesitate to say it if you think you feel it. Love isn’t this static thing, it evolves and grows or withers and fades. It changes just like all the other emotions do, so you should always be able express how you’re feeling, even when it’s changing.

Question 5:
Why do you think we fall in love?

I think the biggest reason why we fall in love is because it’s really fun! It feels good, it’s exciting, it’s different, it’s challenging, it’s all these things and so much more.

Generally, I tend to think of love as this almost scientific thing. We’re falling in love because of all of these chemicals and reactions in our brain and our horomones and all this stuff. And I always tend to say things like “evolutionary biology tells us that we fall in love because it is necessary for the survival and evolution of the species” – which I’m pretty sure I read in a book somewhere 😉

Just as the ways in which we love are endless, so are the reasons for love.

BONUS:
How has love positively and negatively impacted your life?

I could probably never answer this question quite accurately…

In the beginning of my love journey, love had a lot of negative impacts on my life. Love was basically a negative force. I made bad choices and decisions under the guise of love, I stayed when I should’ve run away, I held on so tight – too tight – when I should’ve just let go.

Now love permeates positivity in my life. I am surrounded by love and have completely eliminated toxic relationships. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I wake up everyday just so grateful for what I’ve been given. I have the most amazing partner you could ask for, I have 5 going on 6 beautiful children who are my greatest source of joy and peace and the people who I choose to have in my life are supportive and caring people. I see love in each and every aspect of my life now.


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The Rantings - For Everyone

All By Myself…

Can I just be a total bitch for a second…?!?

The Boyfriend has really sucked during this pregnancy. I mean, really sucked! Out of all my pregnancies, this is the one he seems the least interested in – less interested in what’s going on with the baby, less interested in what’s going on with me, less interested in helping out, just less interested!

It’s amazing how often he is sitting right there and yet I feel like I’ve gone through this pregnancy all by myself…

And I know part of it has to do with third pregnancy. And part of it has to do with the fact that we just had a baby not that long ago. All the luster is lost. But it just makes me long for the days of Carter and Cazzwell pregnancies and experiences.

I remember when I was pregnant with Carter and had such severe joint pain, The Boyfriend having completely sleepless nights just rubbing me down. I remember him helping me paint my toenails and putting my clothes on. It was a lot less help with Cazzwell, simply because I didn’t need it as much, but he was excited and involved and hand on my stomach constantly.

This time around, he just seems completely uninterested. The only time he touches my stomach voluntarily is for the 20 minutes I lay in bed while he falls asleep. Almost every night for the past two trimesters, the moment he’s asleep, I get up to go take a bath. Most of the time he doesn’t even notice. He doesn’t listen to me complain anymore and just zones out in whatever he’s into.

It’s been a lot of me being really focused on pregnancy and last pregnancy and him and everyone else focused on everything but pregnancy and a pending baby.

From summer travel plans to The Last Jedi coming out to earning enough points for a “free” Xbox game pass, it’s all been a thousand times more important. And when I try to talk baby stuff or pregnancy stuff, somehow we end up right back on the mountains, that scene with Kylo and Rey or the latest game pass game he got… And I’m left there to freak out about pregnancy and baby all by myself…

And when I say “freak out“, it’s not really freaking out because let’s be real, it’s all old hat now! We’ve been through all this a million times. We know what’s coming, we know what to expect. We know, we’re prepared, we’re good. So, it’s not really freaking out.

We ignored this pregnancy for so long. We denied it existed for so long. It’s going to be our last baby ever! No one, not even our own kids, wanted us to do this. Have our 7th baby, 6th child. It’s a girl, finally after 13 years of having nothing but boys, we finally get our girl – his first girl! We should both, now that everyone knows about this pregnancy, be allowed to have joy in the experience. We should be excited and happy and can’t-wait-to-meet-our-little-one and just so in love with this final experience.

But I seem to be all by myself on it…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Sleep

My Mom said that I’ve been sleeping a lot lately today. I literally laughed out loud because it must seem that way. Every time she’s showed up to the house abruptly over the last two weeks, I’ve been laying down trying to nap. But sleeping a lot…

That has not been happening. My sleep has been so screwed up that I feel like I am getting absolutely none. And my energy levels have been a clear sign that I haven’t been getting enough. And if that hasn’t given the clue, then my bitchiness sure will!

I’ve been having a lot of problems with my hips and legs – as is mostly to be expected during this stage of pregnancy. I think I’ve got a touch of Restless Leg Syndrome going on because the moment I lay down to go to sleep, my legs start seriously aching. It starts above my knee and then just kinda shoots out from there. Within 30 minutes of laying down anywhere for any reason, I’m having to go for a super hot bath just to ease the discomfort a little bit.

I’m sure to everyone it’s been feeling like I’ve been “sleeping” a lot. By this, they mean I’m up in my room in my bed. But sleeping, I’m definitely not. I spend most of the night awake tossing and turning or getting up and down to go pee or take baths – which I take at least two of almost every day. I’m just so uncomfortable physically that sleep never comes. By the time morning comes around, I haven’t slept a wink and I’m full-fledged irritated.

Luckily, for the most part, The Boyfriend has been incredibly understanding. Especially being that I’ve been terrible at getting in and out of bed without waking him up. So I normally get to stay in bed after he gets up with baby. It normally takes me a good long hour to fall asleep once he leaves the bed and I finally get two hours. Then he wakes me up and it’s mostly just me being tired and bitchy all darn day!

Some days, I’ll be so exhausted that when the kids get home from school, I’ll ask if I can go lay down for a bit. Again, so incredibly lucky on my part, because the kids are also incredibly understanding and enthusiastically reply, “You go ahead and lay down Mom!”. However, sleep is almost never had during this hour of laying down. It’s mostly listening to them play downstairs. But the laying down helps with the headache that always sets in from the lack of sleep.

Sometimes I’m seriously so surprised that I’m dealing so well with the lack of sleep. I’m functioning pretty decently on the short uncomfortable sleeps that I’m getting. Sometimes, I’m just so down and out about it and can’t help but be bitchy and snappy and utterly useless!

I hate how the third trimester kicks in and it just takes over your whole life. Sure, the discomforts of the first two trimester are hard to deal with, but the third trimester always seems like it’s impossible to manage. You often wonder how you’re ever going to make it through.

We’re coming up very quickly on the end of this whole thing. Only 11 weeks left and probably less than that being that we’re planning to do a c-section. We’ve decided to do the c-section almost entirely so that I can get my tubes tied at the same time and we can just be done with all of it, all at once. I haven’t gotten nervous about the c-section aspect of it yet, although I imagine that will change once we meet with the obstetrician. Right now, I’m just excited about it.

The prospect of never getting pregnant again, especially when I’m currently so fed up with being pregnant, is just making me long for the end. I’m so ready, it’s ridiculous.

#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #11 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #11 – Your Body


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Can you remember a time when you really loved your body?

I often love my body, so I can remember lots of times. It’s not the best body and it’s not a super healthy body, but it’s a body that has lived and survived through a lot. A lot of times when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the weight I’ve gained or the marks and scars, I see the life I’ve lived. Obviously, it’s not always like this (see question 2), but more often than not, for at least the last few years, it’s more of an appreciation.

Most of the times when I can vividly remember loving my body and my appearance come from dancing. When I’m dancing and really enjoying myself, there is literally nothing you could say to make me feel like I’m not the most gorgeous person ever!

Question 2:
Can you remember a time when you really hated your body?

I’ve gone through various points in my life where I really just couldn’t stand my body.

When I was a younger kid, I was ridiculously skinny. I just couldn’t gain weight no matter what I did. And I got picked on a lot about it – lots of anorexia accusations, even though they would literally watch me eat huge meals. I was obsessed with the idea of exercising because “muscle weighs more than fat” and maybe if I had some muscles, I wouldn’t be so skinny. I absolutely refused to wear anything that showed off my upper thigh because you could see my bright blue veins and that was horrifying to me!

Then, awhile after Kaeidyn was born – a bad spout of post-partum depression and an intensively abusive relationship – I started to put back on the baby weight that I had begun to lose. Alfie had taken to calling me fat and lazy, which happens when you’re sleeping all day and waking up just long enough to nibble on junk food, and while none of that really affected my body positivity while Alfie and I were together it did end up playing into things later with The Boyfriend and I.

I would write posts about how bad my insecurities had gotten and how much my negative body image was negatively affecting my life. It was a rough time that is often a great way to remind myself that I don’t need to have these issues. They are a waste of time.

Question 3:
Do you think your body is a healthy body? How does that answer make you feel?

I definitely don’t feel like my body is a healthy body. My body is a just barely sustained vessel.

I don’t eat properly. I don’t exercise. In terms of nutrient intake, I’m lacking in just about everything you can think of. In terms of amount of food, I normally eat one small meal a day and a snack or two before bed – the bulk of my eating happening in the late hours of the night. I haven’t had a drink of just plain water volunatarily in years – the last time was at the doctors and I complained the whole time. I tend to sit in front of my computer in my spot on the couch for almost all of my waking hours. I stretch because my body is sore, but other than that, dishes and dinner is the most exercise I’m getting in a day. So, I don’t take very good care of my body.

Health-wise, I’m not terribly bad off. I don’t really have any health issues that we know about. When I do have health issues, they are normally related to a pregnancy or in the case of the year-long period, trying to stop pregnancy.

Sometimes, I’m really down about my unhealthy body, especially if it’s failed me a lot. The last job I had, I complained almost everyday when at the end of the day I would come home and be completely confined to a chair complaining. I can’t stand when my lack of health is laughing in my face. Most days, I just don’t think about it.

Question 4:
Has your body ever failed you? Not worked the way you wanted it to?

My body fails me almost on the daily! It has been that way for many years now. I often say that “I’m only in my 30’s, why do I feel like I’m in my 90’s?“. My body often aches – from bones to muscles – I have pain in my knees, my hips, my back, my neck. I once had joint pain so bad in my knees and hands that my doctor thought I might have rheumatoid arthritis, although nothing ever happened with any of that and now my knees are the only bothersome issue.

I’ve had to stop mid-sex to un-cramp a cramped muscle. I’ve had to stop and stand completely still because something is stiff. I’ve had to use my furniture in interesting ways to support my sore body. I’ve had to take baths in the middle of the night and keep The Boyfriend up late to relax spasms. My body fails me a lot…

Question 5:
Would you say that you have a negative body image or a positive body image?

I have a meh body image.

Some days I’m all, “Damn, I’m sexy!” and nothing you could say, no mirror could change my mind. Other days I’m all, “Frumpy and dumpy is the style today” and every mirror gets a cringe and if you were to say I looked pregnant when I wasn’t, I would fume for three days!

But most of the time, I don’t really care or think about it. If I’m comfortable that’s all that matters. I don’t care about out-of-place hairs or shirts that show off my belly. It just isn’t on my mind, my body.

BONUS:
What is your favorite thing about your body? Least favorite?

My favorite things about my body are definitely my boobs and my lips. I love the little dip in my lips and the shape of my breasts. My least favorite thing about my body is definitely my ass – it’s always been my most hated. When I was younger, it was too flat. Now, it’s too… I don’t even know. Just not how I want it to look!


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The Rantings - For Everyone

Pneumonia Blues

This last little bit is taking it out of me entirely and I haven’t a day in a long while where I didn’t wake up incredibly bitchy and then spent the whole day in that state. It’s been so rough around here that I’m not even sure how to write about most of it…

First and foremost, about two weeks ago, The Boyfriend came inside from shoveling in pain. He rarely ever is “in pain“, so when he is, not only is it very obvious but it definitely signals that something is wrong – because he rarely ever experiences pain. He thought he had pulled a muscle and for the next week, things got progressively worse. He comes home from work one night, red-faced and gripping his chest, in the most pain I’ve ever seen him in. We rush up to the hospital.

After being seen by triage nurses, we were pretty quickly sent to the back for him to get an ECG and then we were pretty quickly rushed even further back where he was given some Tylenol and an NSAID. We were both convinced he must be having a heart attack, as his heart rate just kept going up and we could overhear the nurses saying he was tachycardic. They send him down for a chest x-ray, they do some blood work and after about 4 hours (which is pretty incredible being that the wait times were upwards of 3 hours), they tell us he’s got pneumonia.

So, he has been exceptionally sick. Sick, in pain, on medication, and just all around not feeling well.

And I’m trying so hard to be the girlfriend that takes care of him. I’m trying so hard not to resent him for getting to be so well taken care of. I’m trying so hard to just not be angry all the time and it is not working. I wake up everyday and he’s stiff and I immediately hate him and want him to stay out of my face.

I don’t like being the rock. He’s supposed to be the rock. And I’m well aware of the fact that sometimes I have to be the rock. However this particular time is just not being easy. I’m not ready to be the rock and I don’t have the energy to be the rock and I’m just so sick of taking care of everybody.

It doesn’t help that I have about a million other stressors happening right now and he can’t even be there to offer me a hug because he is so sick. So I feel like I’m out here, sailing on choppy waters all by myself in a boat that isn’t even water-worthy, and it’s scary and it’s daunting and it’s overwhelming and it makes me want to cry constantly. But rocks don’t cry… However, my pregnant ass totally fucking doesn’t care!!!

And that’s another part of the whole thing that just really has been eating at me. He comes home from work that night, in pain, and I immediately jump into Mom mode. Because we at first think it’s just a muscle cramp, I suggest a hot shower. I undress him and hold him up, I turn on the water and make sure it’s the right temperature before he gets in there. I help him in and sit right next to the tub while he’s in there. I help him out and get him dried off and re-dressed. I support him on my damn shoulder, even though he’s way heavier than I am and I am a totally weakling. And not once during all my pain, during all my pregnancies, not even during labor, has he ever done this shit for me.

I have to struggle my own fat ass out of the bathtub when it’s three in the morning and my hip is causing me so much pain that I can’t feel my legs. I have to hold the cold cloth to my head as I’m pushing his baby out. I have to pull on my own damn pants on even when I can’t lift my foot of the ground. And I just can’t seem to get over that…

I’m sick of taking care of everyone and no one taking care of me.

And of course, his version of taking care of me is different than that. He looks at how hard he works outside of the house as taking care of us. He looks at the fact that he’s the only real income earner as taking care of us. And while he’s entirely right, it doesn’t make me feel any better. It just makes me resent him more. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t complain and frankly, that’s all I feel like doing lately. Complaining and bitching… And unfortunately, I don’t see that ending anytime soon for some reason!

 

The Rantings - For Everyone

Hating Toddlerhood

After spending many years on mostly graveyards and then spending probably close to a year in a nighttime position (i.e after all the kids were home from school), The Boyfriend has been working a lot of days lately. It is ridiculously hard!

I don’t know why exactly his work hours have been all over the place lately. Part of it is training – he’s now having to re-take all his certification tests because he’s been working there long enough that they’re all coming up on their expiration dates. But it feels like it has been way too long of this everyday being different hours – some days bright and early in the morning and he’s getting up with the kids when they get ready for school, other days it’s halfway through the day when he’s leaving and other days the kids are all just getting home from school.

And I am just not doing well with it.

Having to spend so much of the day alone with Cazzwell is just being so hard for me. He’s officially at that age and stage that I hate. That beginning of toddlerhood where he’s into everything, making a mess of everything, whining all the time because he knows what he wants but still has no words to tell you what he wants. That constant on the move, constant neediness, constant noise. They are so all-consuming at this age.

And when the kids are home from school, it doesn’t feel so terrible. They really are some of the biggest helpers in the world. They almost enjoy the neediness, the noise, the fact that he can actually play with them now. They like having him in their world and their space. They all like the aspect of “being in charge” and “babysitting” him. So, I get some serious breaks from Cazzwell when they’re home. Sometimes, I get away with hours of not having to deal with the baby.

And when The Boyfriend is working his regular shift, he helps out in the day while the kids are at school. When I hurt too much to chase him up the stairs again or when he’s finally exhausted my whining limit, The Boyfriend is there to lend a hand. I get to enjoy Cazzwell without having to do all the work of Cazzwell.

But with everyone gone during the day and just him and I hanging out, it’s just getting to me. If I wasn’t pregnant and feeling so run down by that (don’t even get me started!), it might not bother me as much. It might not feel so overwhelming. But right now, it just feels like I’m not sleeping and all I’m doing is dealing with a kid at an age and stage that I hate and it feels like serious work!!!

This has always been a hard stage for me. I’ve felt this way with every single one of my kids. They get to about a year and a half and then they just take it all out of me. I thought when it was the first three kids, all one right after the other, I thought that it was just because there was a lot of them all at once. It was so stressful and overwhelming because there were so many of them in that stage. But Carter and Cazzwell have totally taught me that it has nothing to do with the number of them, it’s the age of them!

There was somewhat more of a gap between Carter and all the other kids. And toddlerhood with him was pure hell. He was and is more rambunctious and demanding than all of my other kids combined. There’s a huge gap between Carter and Cazzwell and toddlerhood with him is not being friendly to me. I don’t have the energy to keep up with their energy!

Needless to say, I’m feeling mighty exhausted lately…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Beautiful Circle

I always think it’s so funny how much of pregnancy you forget about, even when you were only pregnant a little while ago. For most of my pregnancies, they happened shortly after a previous pregnancy. Within a year. The longest gap I’ve got is between Carter and Cazzwell, and that was 7 years.

But just two summers ago, I was struggling through my pregnancy with Cazzwell and already have forgotten how hard it can sometimes be.

I’ve spent a good solid week just in this absolute bitchy state. I can’t seem to shake this terrible feeling all throughout my body and it just brings down my mind so much. I can literally sit here seething because still yet my hip is too cramped to climb the stairs at anything faster than a snails pace or because I needed more help getting something done than it should take.

We go out grocery shopping yesterday. I had been dreading it for days, just not looking forward to doing it or putting my body through it – honestly, I haven’t wanted to leave the house at all. So, it was already a total “ugh” situation. We hit the first store and I’m doing okay at first. Then, we get to the meat aisle and all I can do is limp pathetically about the rest of the store as that pain sinks into my hip and my whole left leg starts to tingle. But it’s okay, I can push through it.

Hitting the second store was utter hell. I literally ducked out of the checkout, told The Boyfriend he’d have to do t he rest of it and sat until he was done. Made him load all the groceries into the van and made him and the kids unload it all when we got home. And I just hate when I have to have everyone around me working like little ants while I sit there in pain trying not to cry!

I always forget how hard it is to sleep during this part of the pregnancy. The part where your body is expanding and it can tell. The part where you can’t predict when you’re baby’s active hours are, so you fall asleep to them kicking the shit out of you and you wake up, multiple times a night to them kicking the shit out of you. The part where at a moments notice you could need to run to the bathroom to pee!

I got a good long sleep last night. The kids and The Boyfriend have been beyond wonderful letting me sleep in almost every morning because they all know I’m struggling. I was up in bed for hours upon hours. And yet, when Cazz crawled over me this morning ready to get up, I felt like I hadn’t even slept a wink. I just remember tossing and turning all night long.

I am finding some general comfort in the knowledge that this will most definitely be my last pregnancy. The plan as it stands is to go in and have this baby by c-section and get my tubes tied while they’ve got me opened up. Now that we know we’re having a girl, both The Boyfriend and I are officially ready to be done for good. I think, even if it weren’t a girl, I would be tapping out after this one. I don’t think my body can do this for much longer.

It’s so crazy to me to think about all the time over the last 13 years that I’ve spent pregnant or having babies. It basically equals out to 54 months in total that I’ve been pregnant – give or take a few weeks here or there. 2 out of 6 of my pregnancies have been premature to some extent, 1 pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. But all-in-all, it’s been about 54 months of pregnancy. And while 5 out of 13 years doesn’t sound like a lot, it sure does feel like a lot.

When I started my journey with pregnancies all those years ago, it was with a girl. Now that I’m ending my journey with pregnancies, it feels almost divine that I’m ending it with a girl. I also started with a c-section (although that was an unplanned emergency c-section) and am ending with a c-section (that is planned). Now, as long as nothing else is the same as it was the first time around, we’ll be all good!

I suffered with pretty bad post-partum depression with Kaeidyn. From about my 5th month of pregnancy on until she was about 6 months old. It was massively exacerbated when I was told I had the perfect nipples for breastfeeding and was really looking forward to trying it and then because of the emergency aspect of the c-section, ended up getting an infection so bad that even my breastmilk was infected. So all my hopes of breastfeeding were wiped off the table really soon after she was born, because she downright refused to drink it. All my hopes and dreams were really crushed with her – wanting to have this all-natural, vaginal labor with a healthy baby and then ending up doped up on Prozac and then epidurals and having a c-section for a baby that refused my milk. It was devastating.

I don’t want to say that it feels like the universe is giving me a second chance with this baby, because I don’t think I need a second chance. For all the hell we went through in the beginning, Kaeidyn is now a healthy and thriving teenager who does all the things you want a teenager to do. I always say “She was the first pancake and that one always comes out bad!“. So, it’s not a second chance but it kinda feels like this cathartic thing.

When The Boyfriend and I first started becoming interested in dating, I kept saying that there were “signs“, like signs from the universe that it was meant to be. I’m not normally a person who believes in these types of things because I don’t think there’s some pre-destined path we’re all supposed to be on. However, there are times in life when it feels like the universe is trying to tell you something. You have the same dream over and over again, you keep re-living some experience over and over again, things just stick out so obviously as something that has to be bigger.

It kinda feels like this pregnancy is that. I was saying in my post Must Be Pregnant, that I want to come to the decision to be done having babies all on my own. And while I have done that, it sometimes also feels like the universe is giving me all the signs. I used to always talk about the vicious circles in my life – these repetitive bad events. And now I feel like I get to have this beautiful circle moment.

fingers crossed

The Rantings - For Everyone

Must Be Pregnant

This post was written in September 2017 during the beginning of my pregnancy with Baby #7.

The Boyfriend and I basically knew we were pregnant (although hadn’t taken a test yet) and Kaeidyn was catching on. At the time, I was considering “If I’m pregnant, I’m having an abortion. And if I’m not pregnant, I’m getting my tubes tied!” but I was struggling, because I wasn’t sure that I felt that way or was making those considerations because it was what I wanted or because it was what other people wanted.


I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I think it’s mostly just because of the time of the year – weather changing, back-to-school, etc. – but it’s been resulting in me sleeping a lot, having back and stomach pain lots and just generally being in a funk.

Every time that I exhibit any of these “symptoms“, Kaeidyn goes into hardcore, “You’re pregnant!” mode. She’ll ask if I’m sick, I’ll say that I’m not feeling well, she’ll say, “Must be pregnant!” – and while she’s never been right, she always follows up with, “If you get pregnant again, I’m packing my bags and moving out!“.

And I get it! She’s sick of me having babies. Everyone is and I get it. I hear them all shouting at me, “Get your tubes tied! Screw the depression from being on the pill, get on it! Have an abortion!“. I hear it all being screamed at me and I understand where everyone else is coming from and blah blah blah!

But I couldn’t help it. Last night, after hearing almost every day for a week now that I’m pregnant and that is going to result in my 13-year-old daughter running away from home (when none of us even know at this point if I am pregnant, being that I still have a week before we can even count me as being late…), and I just snapped at her.

At first, I was like, “It just breaks my heart that that’s where you go!” and I was just going to leave it at that. But her face, in response to my words, just pissed me off. I suddenly went on a rant – “How anti-feminist of you! Forcing me to make a choice that I don’t want to make about my reproductive life!” and she didn’t seem to care about that argument – which only surprised me because she’s usually so feminist-minded on other issues.

So then I said, and even while I was saying it, I was thinking this isn’t the right argument, but then I said, “How would you feel if I would’ve aborted you when everyone was telling me to? Or any of your brothers? Should I just make all my decisions off of everyone else’s thoughts and opinions?!?“. She basically decided to end the conversation at that point and went up to her room to go to bed. It was already midnight by this point, so after her bedtime anyways.

But now I can’t get the whole thing out of my head.

It’s not that I want another baby. Like I said last night, I think my only response to finding out that I was pregnant again would be to cry for days. I don’t think I want anymore kids, even though The Boyfriend and I have long said that we would like to try for a girl. But I don’t want to end up with 17 boys just to get a girl… And honestly, I’m tired of having babies!!!

I’m ready to do something else with my life other than be pregnant. I’m ready to just raise the family I have instead of continuing to expand it. But I also don’t want the decision to be made for me by my 13-year-old daughter. I don’t want to constantly be threatened with losing her because I don’t want to get my tubes tied or I don’t want to go on birth control. And I know, I know, those aren’t the only options. I know that safe sex is important. I know that I have ways to not get pregnant and if I don’t want kids anymore, I should be using them and blah blah blah. I freaking get it!

But I want to come to the decision to use those methodologies, all on my own. I want to get to the point where I make that decision – not where I’m coerced or forced into making that decision. And it always pisses me off when other people think they should get to have a say in my life, when I’m the one who has to live it, not them.

#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #9 Cover Photo (1)

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #9 – Before He Cheats


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Have you ever been cheated on?

I only know for sure of one time that I’ve been cheated on, although I’ve suspected that 2 out of 3 of my boyfriends have cheated on me.

Surprisingly, even though I had long suspected that he had cheated on me with girls, the only time that I know about was him sleeping with another man. It came as no surprise since it had always been a curiousity of his and I didn’t find out about it until over a year after it happened, so I wasn’t really upset either.

Question 2:  
Have you ever cheated on a partner?

Unfortunately the answer to this question is yes.

For the first four-ish months of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, I was still sleeping with the older kids’ Dad, Alfie. It wasn’t what I wanted to be doing (see my answer for the bonus question…) and I wasn’t doing it to try to hurt The Boyfriend or Alfie in anyway. At the time, I thought it was what was needed for people’s protections – mostly the kids.

It was an incredibly complicated situation that makes absolutely no sense to me almost a decade later and I’m just glad that we all made it through the way that we did, because stuff could’ve turned out very differently…

Question 3:
Have you ever faked an orgasm?

Yes. And not even for my partner’s benefit, but for my own. It’s not like a go-to thing either. I won’t just fake an orgasm for the sake of faking an orgasm. I’m perfectly happy most of the time to go without an orgasm and be completely honest with everyone (including myself) that I didn’t orgasm and that’s okay.

But sometimes, you’ve worked so hard, you’ve gone so long, you’ve put so much effort in!

Question 4:
Have you ever fallen in love with someone who didn’t love you back?

Not that I know of.

Question 5:
Have you ever had an STI?

No.

BONUS:
Have you ever had sex with someone when you didn’t want to?

Technically, yes. Although, it was not rape. And you’re like, “Wait… How’s that now?“, but you’d be wrong… I’ve had sex a lot when I didn’t really want to.

In some cases, it’s like the faked orgasm thing. Sometimes you force yourself to get over the hump of lack of sexual arousal because nothing else seems to work. When you’re deep in depression, deep in the fog, for example. When pain in your back or knees or legs is telling you not to do it, but you know it’s the only thing that’ll help (literally just experienced this last night!!!). When anxiety or responsibilities or life is making arousal impossible. Sometimes, you push through that!

The four months that I cheated on The Boyfriend, it wasn’t like I was enthusiastically still sleeping with the ex. Looking back on it now, I would describe it as something akin to “dutiful“. Almost as if the whole time I was thinking, “I must do this, for so and so’s benefit/protection/happiness” – although in no way was I ever saying “No“. Time and perspective and healing has given me that view of the situation.

So yes, I’ve had sex when I didn’t want to, under a whole variety of circumstances.


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#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #8 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #8 – #RelationshipGoals


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
#RelationshipGoals: What TV show would you and your partner be on?

In a way, I’ve always related our relationship to Luke and Lorelei from Gilmore Girls – although only really parts of it. He even sometimes looks like Luke…

We knew each other for a long time before we started dating, although always from a distance. After Alfie and I finally broke up, him and I started spending a lot of time together. One day, we’re sitting on the couch and somebody punched somebody, our hands locked and we’ve been holding hands ever since.

I’ve never really thought about all the ways in which we are similar or our relationship is similar to Luke and Lorelei, but if we were on any TV show, that would be the one that we’d want. During our relationship, we’ve probably watched the whole show from beginning to end about 7 times!

Question 2:
#RelationshipGoals: Which literary couple would you most like your relationship to be like?

I have simply not read enough to be able to answer this question accurately!

Question 3:
#RelationshipGoals: Which movie couple would you most like to have a relationship like?

I don’t ever think I’ve seen a movie where I was like, “That’s a great relationship!“. Maybe it’s the type of movies I watch or something, but they are always normally pretty dysfunctional or have these wicked highs and lows.

The Boyfriend and I aren’t like that. It’s just this comfortable, relaxed and very mellow relationship – outside of all the kid-related stress. When it’s just the two of us, it would make for a boring movie!!!

Question 4:
#RelationshipGoals: What song would be the theme song for your relationship?

Over the years of our relationship, I have picked many different songs as theme songs for our relationship. For awhile, I looked at Bound to You by Christina Aguilera as being the song to describe our relationship and was a little obsessed because of it. ASAP Science on YouTube once did a video called “The Science Love Song“, which I insisted was written about us because we are both kinda science nerds.

Generally, I think every good love song was written about us 😉

Question 5:
#RelationshipGoals: Do you want your relationship to have any rituals or traditions?

When I think of rituals and traditions, I immediately start thinking of kinky rituals that I would like us to add to our relationship. Greeting at the door, eye-contact or speech restrictions, etc.

I guess we do have some rituals. We always fall asleep the same way, him spooning me and always with an “I love you” before we pass out wrapped up in each other. He gives me at least three quick kisses before he leaves the house anywhere and gets quite upset if I pull away before that.

BONUS:
#RelationshipGoals: What do you hope the future of your relationship is like?

The biggest thing I’m looking forward to in the future of my relationship with The Boyfriend is growing old together. Finally having all the kids out of the house and finally just being able to spend our time enjoying each other. Our whole relationship has been nothing but taking care of and worrying about kids.

I always hope that one day he’ll propose to me, even though I have no intention of getting married. But I’ve always really wanted someone to publicly proclaim their love for me, some big romantic gesture. I don’t think it will ever happen, since neither of us really care about marriage. But it’s one of those things that I just can’t completely eradicate from my mind.

I hope our future continues to be a lot like our present.


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The Rantings - For Everyone

For Way Too Long

It has been too long with all the kids home… way too long!

Way back in the beginning of December, they all got really sick. It hit every single person in the house, even The Boyfriend who normally doesn’t get sick. They missed almost an entire month of school! And then Christmas holidays began…

They have been home for way too long!

While they were home sick, it wasn’t so bad. Everyone was sick, so it was a lot of laziness and cuddling. But they were too sick to have energy. Then, a few days after Christmas break started, they all started feeling better.

They have been home for way too long!

Almost immediately they were unmanageable. I could feel my hair graying on probably the second or third day of healthiness. But they would have these moments, where you were almost grateful they were home and you were getting to experience them like this.

They have been home for way too long!

But then, they got to this point, where they couldn’t stand each other. Carter is seriously a handful and a half. I mean, the kid has energy for days, he’s tough as balls and he likes to be the center of attention. So, him being up in everyone’s face was really starting to get on everyone’s last nerve. Awhile ago…

They have been home for way too long!

And now, it’s just out of control. They have been home for way too long now. They have had too many days pent up in the house. They have had too much togetherness. It’s just too much…

They have been home for way too long!

I feel like I spend all day yelling at them, trying to convince them to be good and ultimately end up with my head in my hands and tears in my eyes. On more than one occasion, I have just stopped fighting with them, arguing with them, trying with them and let them beat the crap out of one another until someone is crying.

They have been home for way too long!

Kaeidyn’s barely been at home at all. She’s been babysitting a lot. There was awhile there where she didn’t have a cellphone and things were going great between us. She was even nice when she found out I was pregnant again. But then she got her phone back and all I’ve gotten from her is attitude, dirty looks and ignorance.

They have been home for way too long!

And don’t even get me started on how messy the house seems now that they’re always in it. Between Keirnan’s LEGO all over the place, Carter’s papers strewn about every single surface and the mess they all seem to make any time they get themselves food, I just feel surrounded by the mess of them.

They have been home for way too long!

And because it’s a break and holiday, their bedtimes are all absolutely screwed up and yet they seem to still wake up at the crack of dawn. Tonight, we were literally fighting with them to go to bed at 2 AM!!! I’m too old to be going to bed at two o’clock in the morning… On a regular basis…

They have been home for way too long!

There have been some benefits to them being home so much. They’re all around all the time, so whenever I suddenly get the urge to clean, I have a bunch of little helpers (not that they’re much help, but at least I don’t feel like I’m doing it alone). Kenzie really likes to take Cazzwell in the morning, so The Boyfriend and I normally get to sleep in a little bit (which is great because I’ve been having terrible sleeps).

But let’s be honest, they have been home for way too long!

The Rantings - For Everyone

Looking Forward to 2018

Over the last couple of posts, I’ve been looking to the past as most of us do, as one year comes to an ending and another begins. First, I looked at some of my stats for my 2017 in Review and then I took a walk down memory lane and looked back over some of the more memorable moments of the year in Looking Back on 2017.

But now, there’s no more looking back to be done. There’s only time for looking ahead!

I’ve got some pretty big goals coming up this year. I had hoped to get a lot more done in 2017 than I did, especially in terms of blogging-related goals, but it ended up being a much busier year in real life. This year is also going to be pretty busy, but I’m getting sick of all these things sitting on the back burner.

So, here’s some of the things I have planned to do in 2018.


  • Start publishing WTMFI Wednesdays on Wednesdays

    I currently publish each session of WTMFI Wednesdays whenever I get around to it. At the time of publishing this post, I’m 3 sessions behind! I’d love to start publishing these on Wednesdays! Gotta catch up first…

  • Start doing other memes or bring back past memes

    I love memes, like a lot. They are a great way to get constant inspiration and to consistently post on your blog. I have done a few of these in the past and would like to start adding more to my repertoire. Some of them, I’d like to participate in regularly and some just every once and awhile.

    • #MasturbationMonday

      Hosted by Kayla Lords, Masturbation Monday challenges you to “write a steamy hot post about masturbation or so hot, it’ll make people want to masturbate.” I’ve never done this one, but would love to!

    • #TMITuesday

      In the vein of WTMFI Wednesdays (and probably about as old), TMI Tuesday “is a confessional of sorts where people come to reveal too much information–sexy secrets, dirty deeds, and more.” I’ve never done this one, but have always wanted to!

    • #WickedWednesday

      Wicked Wednesday is a “place where you can share your wicked sexiness or your sexy wickedness! Be creative and share!” I’ve never done this one, but think it could be fun to do every once and awhile.

    • #ThrowbackThursday

      I previously did these recap posts of my #ThrowbackThursday’s on Facebook. I still haven’t found an easy way to be able to just see these posts, so I was collecting them up myself! I want to start doing this again!

    • #FridayFavorites

      I’m a lot of places all over the web. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with what I’m doing everywhere. So, #FridayFavorites served as a place to show you all of the stuff – from my favorite Tumblr post of the week to my favorite Tweet. I really enjoyed doing these, so I’m bringing it back!

    • #SaturdaySerenade

      #SaturdaySerenade used to be a poetry hashtag used by The Erotic Writers Group. I’m stealing it and also transforming it into a song hashtag. I plan to use it every Saturday to share musical-type things with you. You can expect to see song lyrics written by me or song lyrics that I just absolutely love and YouTube cover videos.

    • #TumblrFavorites

      Back in the day, every 3 months, you could expect to see a #TumblrFavorites post. I’d do a rundown of all the best posts to my Tumblr over that time period. I seriously miss doing these and I miss Tumblr, so I’m bringing it back!

  • Publish my first book of erotic limericks

    I’ve been working on this project for about half a year now. I decided awhile ago that it was on the list to publish my first book and also decided that that first book would be a collection of erotic limericks written by me. They’re my favorite type of poem, I love writing them and that’s why it’s going to be my first book!

  • Finish The Mermaid

    I was challenged by a member of The Erotic Writers Group last year to write a story about a mermaid. And I’ve been working mighty hard on this story on and off since I was challenged. I’m determined to have this finished this year!!!

  • Complete the first draft of The Brighton Tales

    The Brighton Tales has been a story in my head for almost a decade. I have every intention of getting this at least somewhat more complete this year. I want to get it to the point where I have the whole thing down on paper and out of my head!

  • Re-launch The Erotic Writers Group (I say this every year)

    Every year I say it and every year I mean it!

    As the creator and founder of The Erotic Writers Group, it’s my responsibility to maintain and expand this community for readers and writers of erotica. Some years, I’m absolutely amazing and the group thrives and does great. Other years, I’m a total slacker and basically just let the group do it’s thing.

    For years, I’ve been wanting to really dedicate a lot of my effort into this group. Get the website that I’ve been talking about going, post regularly and make products and publish books and the list really goes on and on and on.

    This year, I want to buckle down hard!!! Prioritize this like crazy and finally, finally bring my vision to life!!!

  • Start posting videos on Pornhub again…

    It’s been quite awhile since The Boyfriend and I posted videos on Pornhub. It wasn’t a planned experience, so we didn’t plan to keep posting. But we’ve both expressed an interest in doing more. We’ve got tons of ideas and now it’s just a matter of following through.

  • Take a lot more pictures of everything!!!

    I keep getting Facebook memories that make me think, “I should’ve gotten a picture of that!“. There’s so many memories that we’re missing out on. Plus, there’s a new baby about to be a part of our family. Always good to take lots of pictures during that time, since it goes so fast! I also want to become a better photographer and practice makes perfect.

  • Make more products for my Zazzle store

    I bet you didn’t even know I have a Zazzle store... I do and I even have some products. When I do work on this, I work pretty hard. However, I’m likely to forget it even exists for a long time. More designs, more products, more promotion!!!

  • Start playing a Sims 4 Legacy Challenge

    Way back in March, I had asked which legacy challenge I should do as my first Sims 4 challenge after my hiatus. However, I never got around to starting any challenges. I recently ran a poll on my Facebook page asking if I should even bother with the Sims 4 on ValerieRayne.com.

    Either way, I want to play a Sims 4 Legacy Challenge – even if I don’t blog about it!

  • Write something erotic once a week

    Currently, I publish erotica all willy-nilly. I want to do it a lot more!!! I think if I could dedicate myself to writing one erotic thing once a week, I’d be very happy.

  • Write a poem or song once a week

    I used to write poems/songs daily. Now, I’m lucky if it happens once or twice a year. Honestly, this year I’d just like to be more creative in general. And I really want to expand my original songs repertoire, because right now, it’s super tiny!

  • Record a new cover or original to YouTube once a month

    It’s always been a goal of mine to become more active on my YouTube channel. I’d love to be able to add a new video at least once a month. Eventually, I’d love to do a daily vlog too, but really I just need to get comfortable with a little bit more consistency on there!

  • Check into my Tumblr at least once a week

    I was doing a great job of this for quite a long time. And then, I went through a period of rarely ever being aroused and Tumblr really went to the way back burner. I haven’t even looked at it in a few weeks now… It’s time to get back to the good ole days and check into my Tumblr more often!!!

  • Participate in the Goodreads reading challenge

    I have been participating in this for a few years now. Usually, I set the bar way too high and never come even close to the mark. Last year, I set the bar incredibly low with only 1 book to read and of course, did it. This year, I want to actually challenge myself but also make it a reachable goal, so I’ve chosen to try to read 13 books (one for each month and one for good luck 😉)

  • Buy and review an erotic eBook once a month

    Currently, I don’t read any erotica. I never seem to be able to find the time or the space to just sit down and do it. But I really want to support some of the people who have supported me over the years – especially members of The Erotic Writers Group. I also want to try my hand at writing reviews 😉

  • Figure out a way to offer audio of all of my blog posts

    I don’t know why, but I’ve been obsessed with this idea for about half a year now. First of all, I think sometimes my writing comes off as confusing because you can’t get my tone or inflection through commas and exclamation points! Also, I know there is an audience, especially for posts like my erotica or sexperiences.

    I haven’t figured out how I want to do this or what exactly I want it to be like (so if you have any suggestions…), I just know that I’ve been obsessed with the idea and so I have to figure out how to do it!


Ultimately, we can sum up all my goals for the year into three words: More, Consistency and Creativity.  I want to be more consistent and I want to be more creative. I want to finish something, not just start it. Now, it’s just a matter of getting it done!!!

The Rantings - For Everyone

This Christmas Season

Thank goodness for The Boyfriend at Christmastime, because without him, Christmas would suck.

Multiple times this year, I threatened to cancel Christmas altogether. I didn’t shop for a single present for a single person. I didn’t wrap a single present for any of the kids. I was officially Scrooge all December and made my opinion about this stupid holiday crystal clear at every waking moment.

Having kids at Christmas really makes you hate this time of year. It’s bad enough the Christmas music, the general cheer, the constant posts arguing about which phrase is politically correct. To deal with a bunch of kids who have no religious reference for Christmas and who don’t believe in Santa, and you end up with a holiday of sheer greed.

The Boyfriend gets all giddy about gift-giving. He really does love to do it, even when it’s not Christmas, but especially when it’s Christmas. Getting toys for the boys is just about his favorite thing of the year. I think it’s because it’s the one time of year when it’s entirely socially acceptable for him to be glued to the toy aisle. And he loves toys!

But they were basically terrible all leading up to Christmas. I kept saying, “If Santa Claus was real, you’d all be on the naughty list getting lumps of coal!”, because they were all just so arrogant, cocky, rude, and misbehaved coming into the Christmas season.

On Christmas Eve, we went to celebrate with my Mom. The kids all got to open more than one present. They should’ve been ecstatic. They opened presents from Uncle first – he had heard that everyone needed pants and so got everyone pants. Every kid, “This isn’t what I wanted!”. Then, they opened presents from Grandma and at least two of them complained about it. I was quite upset at them for the rest of the night for their rudeness and lack of holiday spirit.

The Boyfriend couldn’t imagine not celebrating Christmas with the kids. Even though he kept agreeing with me that our kids didn’t deserve all of this stuff that we were doing and planning for them, he kept on buying presents and obsessing over celebrating. And so, Christmas morning we let them wake us up ridiculously early to open presents.

Luckily, this went far better than the previous present opening.

They loved their gifts. They were all polite and excited. And then once all the presents were opened and the majority of the wrapping paper cleaned up, we revealed the biggest news of the day…

Baby #7 - Coming May 2018

We’ve known for quite awhile that I was pregnant. Basically 4 weeks after it happened. Everyone had basically guessed, but we denied mostly because we were in denial. It was only in the last couple of weeks that we finally went for our first prenatal appointment and subsequent ultrasound.

So finally, after 13 years and 4 boys, we finally get our girl!!!

#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #6 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #6 – Pornography


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Who are your favorite porn performers?

I don’t really have favorite porn performers. Honestly, I don’t think I watch enough porn to be able to accurately choose a favorite. My tastes in porn also fluctuate frequently, therefore so do my preferences for appearance, performance, ability, etc. My favorite porn performers, at any given time, always look like they enjoy being there. Even if they’re crying or screaming out in pain, they still look like they are enjoying it.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that one of my favorite porn performers is myself. While I’m highly critical of myself (which is why I only have 6 videos posted out of my home library on Pornhub, even though I have at least a dozen more), when I think I’m hot, I think I’m really hot! I enjoy watching myself enjoying myself!

Question 2:
What is your favorite type of porn?

My favorite type of porn changes constantly. Sometimes, I can’t get enough of lesbian porn and then sometimes I don’t want to watch it at all. I’ll go through periods of only wanting to watch hetero-couples where the girl must be a brunette. At times, I really enjoy watching porn that absolutely pushes my limits and makes me cringe and shudder in disbelief.

Ultimately, my favorite porn is intriguing porn. It doesn’t just stimulate my genitals, it stimulates my mind. I don’t care too much about storyline or plot, quality of production isn’t as important to me. But if it makes me go “Hmm” at any point, I’m likely to enjoy it a lot more.

Question 3:
Where do you typically consume your porn? Describe the setting.

I almost always watch porn in my living room. I have a big couch that I like to stretch out on. I usually use my Xbox One to connect to Pornhub – although we’ll sometimes venture elsewhere. We’re just really most comfortable with it. Then, I lounge and watch porn with the volume relatively low on my 42″.

Question 4:
When do you typically watch porn?

I don’t get to watch porn nearly as often as I would like to. In a perfect world, I’d watch it daily. But the reality is, I rarely ever feel like watching porn. It happens every couple of months, I’ll normally go on a bit of a two week binge, and then don’t look at it or think about it again.

In terms of time of day, I almost always watch porn at night.

Question 5:
Why do you like the porn you like?

My favorite types of porn always make me think about my own sexuality. Make me question things like, “Am I into that?“, “Could I do that?“, “I wonder what that would feel like?“. It’s more immersive than just getting aroused. I can get aroused all on my lonesome, the porn has to add something to it.

BONUS:
How do you typically consume your porn? Describe the experience.

A typical night of porn consumption:

The Boyfriend and I cuddle up on the couch and scroll through Tumblr as he’s finishing up playing games. I point out all the things I like and think are interesting as he shoots bad guys. Then, Pornhub gets turned on.

This is generally a long boring part of the night. We try to only pick videos that are longer than 20 minutes, unless something really catches our eye. It takes us a long time to pick even one video and we spend most of this time just scrolling through the pages talking about the various titles and video thumbnails. Sometimes, we’re teasing each other throughout, but sometimes we’re just scrolling.

The porn usually gets left on while we’re having sex, although it’s almost always completely ignored.


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The Rantings - For Everyone

Pain

I have had some of the worst hip pain of my life over the last couple of weeks. Once it starts to sink in, my leg begins hurting and then my shoulders begin hurting. The pain spreads until I’m completely consumed by it.

I can handle a few days of pain. I can even handle weeks of pain if I get a couple days break in-between. But this constant everyday sort of pain. It wears on you and far more than just physically. It begins to take a toll on your mental well-being. When you wake up in pain, spend your day in pain and go to sleep in pain, it really begins to screw with your outlook on life in general.

So either because of the pain or because of the way the pain affects me or both, I have been sleeping a lot. Correction: I have been in bed a lot. The sleeping has been pretty difficult, especially with the pain, because I’m tossing and turning all night long trying to find a position that doesn’t hurt. I also can’t seem to sleep through any sounds, from the kids getting ready for school in the morning (which used to be my deepest part of sleep) to the cat opening Kaeidyn’s bedroom door with her paw (which is just a barely audible scratch and squeak). By the time the baby is ready to get out of bed, I’ve just finally found the comfy spot and it’s finally quiet in the house.

Luckily, I have been blessed with just about the best boyfriend ever, because he knows that I’m tired. He knows that I’m in pain. And so, he gets up with the baby and lets me get an extra hour of sleep without him in bed, so that I can sprawl out all over the place. However, the last couple of days, the baby has been in need of mom earlier, so I’ve been having to get out of bed, even if I’m dragging my feet all the way.

Don’t even get me started on the ways in which the pain makes me feel like a terrible Mom. More than once in the last week, I have had to apologize to the kids for literally forgetting things they just said to me, for not hearing large chunks of things they’re saying to me – not to mention all the meals I haven’t cooked or all the slack they’ve had to pick up on the cleaning front. Honestly guys, I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many understanding, compassionate and loving people.

I’ve dealt with pain so much in my life, especially ever since The Boyfriend and I started having kids together, that you’d think that I’d deal with it better. You’d think that it wouldn’t drag me down so much. You’d think that I’d have some strategies to deal with it – and strategies that actually work, not just a hot bath that gives me half an hour of uncomfortable relief, but something that actually helped. But the older I get, the worse equipped I am. Pain literally takes me out of the game now.

One of these days, I’ll get around to seeing my doctor about it. It’s been a problem for long enough now that I should probably see a doctor about it. Not that I think there will be any solution. When I was pregnant with Carter, I had severe joint pain – I’m talking really really bad. There were even days that I couldn’t type on the computer – and everyone knows how much that bothers me!!! Felt like I was constantly going for tests, had a handful of hand and knee x-rays done. They gave me topical cream that was supposed to help – it didn’t and just upset my stomach. I often find that pain is a problem that doctors really don’t know that much about – or at least, not in terms of effectively treating it… They try, but it’s often (in my experience) for naught.

I know it will get better, at some point, eventually. But waiting for it has been painful!!!

#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #4 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #4 – Lick or Spit?


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


#Q1: Would you rather... give or receive oral sex?
#Q1: Would you rather… give or receive oral sex?

#A1:

I would definitely rather give oral sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love receiving oral sex. But I’ve always considered myself a bit of an artiste when it comes to blowjobs (and I imagine cunnilingus too, just have no proof for that particular experience) and derive a lot of serious pleasure from the act of giving oral sex. I’ve written plenty about it and I even have the quotes to prove it 😉

Session #4 - #Q2: Would you rather... lick up spit or cum? - #WTMFIWednesdays
#Q2: Would you rather… lick up spit or cum?

#A2:

Definitely cum.

I’ve never really been all that into spit. I get really grossed out when watching porn when they do the whole spitting on cock or vag – even if it’s for the functional purpose of lube. I use spit as lube, but I’m not about to literally let my spit dribble out of my mouth for the purpose. I’m not a fan of ball gags solely because of the idea of drool. Just not a big fan of spit.

But cum, that’s a whole other game. I like just about everything about cum. And while I’m not a fan of the taste of cum after it’s had a chance to cool (which happens really fast…), I’d be much more comfortable with that.

Had a cute moment when Kaeidyn saw these questions:

Session #4 - #Q3: Would you rather... spit out cum or swallow cum? - #WTMFIWednesdays
#Q3: Would you rather… spit out cum or swallow cum?

#A3:

Absolutely swallow cum.

From a very young age, even before I actually started giving blowjobs, I have always thought that if you get it in your mouth, you might as well swallow it. Also, refer to question 2 – the longer cum sits, the quicker it gets cold and cold cum is not good cum. And another thing, I’d have to like regurgitate cum from my throat to be able to spit it out, it’s normally so far back there that there is no point in spitting it out. Plus, it’s good for me, so why would I spit it out?!?

Session #4 - #Q4: Would you rather... vagina-to-anus sex or anus-to-vagina sex? - #WTMFIWednesdays
#Q4: Would you rather… vagina-to-anus sex or anus-to-vagina sex?

#A4:

I would rather no anal sex.

But, purely for health/hygiene reasons, vagina-to-anus.

Session #4 - #Q5: Would you rather... squirting or non-squirting orgasms? - #WTMFIWednesdays
#Q5: Would you rather… squirting or non-squirting orgasms?

#A5:

First things first, I’m happy with any kind of orgasm. However, it has always been on my list to have a squirting orgasm. Never had one before, but I don’t know if I’d want it to be an every time thing either. Squirting for special occasions or certain types of sex or something.

Session #4 - #BONUS: Would you rather... be caught masturbating or giving oral sex? - #WTMFIWednesdays
#BONUS: Would you rather… be caught masturbating or giving oral sex?

#BONUS:

I think I would rather be caught masturbating. I’ve actually been thinking about this question for a few days, trying to picture it in my head. And I keep thinking, probably masturbating. I can’t exactly pinpoint why I’d rather be caught masturbating than giving oral sex, but probably mostly because then I’d only have to worry about my own embarrassment and not my partners. It also feels less intimate to me and it’s easier to play off like you weren’t doing anything.

It’s funny though, because if you had asked if I’d rather be watched masturbating or giving oral sex, where like all parties were consenting to this experience, I’d have picked giving oral sex over masturbating any day!!!


View Session #4 of WTMFI Wednesdays


#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #3 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #3 – Masturbation


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
What was your first time masturbating like?

I don’t know if I remember my very first time. I remember two of the very first times, but I can’t be sure that they were the very first – just the first ones that I remember.

One time was with my favorite stuffed toy, that became just about my most favorite pervertible ever. It had a nice hard nose that felt so good to grind against. The next time, I was supposed to be laying down for a nap, but couldn’t sleep, so grinded against my fingers and the mattress.

Question 2:
When and how often do you typically masturbate?

I go through phases. Sometimes, I’m masturbating constantly – multiple times a day for days on end. Other times, I can go weeks without even thinking about it. 

Generally, I get bitchy if I don’t orgasm every three days, so I am to either have sex or masturbate that often.

Question 3:
Who, if anyone, do you typically fantasize about when you masturbate?

Almost always, I fantasize about The Boyfriend. 

When I fantasize about other people, which normally only happens in the context of threesomes or group sex with The Boyfriend, other guys typically are faceless versions of The Boyfriend. He really does have my favorite type of body to fantasize about! If there’s a girl there, which sometimes happens, she’s basically a faceless version of me. 

I almost never see faces when I’m fantasizing. Lips up-close, sometimes. But never a full-out face.

Question 4:
Where do you typically masturbate? Describe the setting.

So, there’s basically three spots that I like to masturbate in. 

The first, and probably most used, is the bathtub. I can lock the door and that’s probably the biggest reason I like it. Our bathroom right now is pretty small and the bathtub is pretty small and you can almost never get a full bath of hot water, but again, it locks.

The next is my bedroom. It’s a really boring bedroom. I’m not one for decorating, so there’s literally a mattress on the floor. But I have just about the best comforter in the world and it’s a comfy place to do pretty much anything sexual.

Finally, on the couch, in front of the computer. It doesn’t happen often here, but if I’m having one of those super horny streaks, the couch in the living room gets used a lot more than I’d like to admit!

Question 5:
How do you typically masturbate?

I’ve been masturbating the same way for a really long time now. It’s what works best for me. It’s always right hand, three fingers (pointer, middle and ring), firmly on my clit with periodic dips into my vag for lubrication. Sometimes, especially if I’m having a hard time getting there, I’ll use my left hand to pull everything taut or push/pull things to the perfect spot. 

BONUS:
Are there any reasons, other than arousal, that you masturbate?

Definitely, although I think it normally always turns into arousal. It can be started to relieve stress or headaches, if I’m feeling incredibly bored and lonely or if I’m just having a hard time feeling sexy in my skin. Sometimes, if I’m having bad insomnia, I’ll use it as a way to put myself to sleep – although that normally results in having to go 3 or 4 times, which works, but is exhausting!!!


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#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #2 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #2 – I Touch Myself


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Have you ever masturbated in front of someone else?

Regularly! 

A lot of times after the actual sexual intercourse and after The Boyfriend’s orgasm, I like to masturbate to have normally my second orgasm – to just kind of close out the night.

Question 2:
Have you ever masturbated in a room full of people?

No, but it is absolutely a fantasy and on my list of things to do. As a bit of an exhibitionist, I’ve always wanted to do all sorts of sexual things surrounded by people – watching and enjoying me doing what I do 😉

Question 3:
Have you ever masturbated at work?

I never have, but probably mostly because I haven’t worked in a really really long time.

Would I do this? Probably. 

Question 4:
Have you ever masturbated using an object that wasn’t intended for that purpose?

Absolutely!

For a long time, I didn’t have access to sex toys – especially as an exploring teenager. So, stuffed puppy dogs were a favorite for a long time. Hairbrush handles were a short-lived obsession. I went through a phase where I would only use pervertibles because I didn’t think my pleasure should cost me anything or involve me going out of my way or above and beyond.

Question 5:
Have you ever masturbated enough to cause yourself injury, no matter how small?

Yes… Unfortunately, I have done this a few times. Normally, really small “injuries”. Nicks from a nail, almost like chaffing from going for too long and too hard, a soreness feeling near my perineum from tugging too much on the area I had stitches. Luckily, nothing serious!

BONUS:
Have you ever masturbated to porn that didn’t turn you on?

No, I’m pretty picky about porn. And I will turn it off the second there is something that I don’t like or that doesn’t turn me on or that doesn’t intrigue me in some way. 


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