The Rantings - For Everyone

The Beginning of Teenagehood

I have been ridiculously tired. Like nap everyday tired…

I’ve barely been on my computer over the last week, which is entirely abnormal for me. And when I do get on my computer, I’m just not motivated to do anything. I click into all the projects, tabs open like crazy. Then, I just sit there reloading the page. I’ve been here so many times before…

In general, I am feeling unproductive and unmotivated lately. I just feel like I don’t have the mental capacity to do it all, when my brain is so filled with so much other stuff right now.

Kaeidyn has been seriously so difficult to deal with. I’ve attempted to write about it so many times and I just keep feeling loss for words. I expected teenagehood, especially with her, to be incredibly hard – but I figured I had another two years before I was going to be in the thick of it. And while I know that we’re not even close to thick yet, it’s feeling really heavy to deal with.

I’ve had to be the type of Mom that I hate being a lot lately. The lecturing, hovering, up-in-your-business, disciplinarian Mom. I hate being that Mom. I hate having to use the “I’m the parent” card. I hate having to make a rule and then stick to it hard and fast. I hate it. I hate that I’m constantly having this internal war with myself about how much to let her get away with and then having to use my brain to come up with consequences that teach lessons about values and character. And trying to explain these things to a 12-year-old…

I’ve ranted about her use of language in the past. I thought swearing was really going to be the worst of our problems, but I’m learning that I was wrong. It started when she began saying to baby Cazzwell that she was going to punch him in the face – something that we attributed to us getting her to watch him too much. Now, out of nowhere, she is insisting on calling him a crackhead – every time she sees him, or if he looks at her, or if she’s being loving towards him, she calls him a crackhead.

The one that bothers me the most though, and that she’s just pushing like crazy, is the constant talk of killing herself or wanting to die or hoping she chokes. And it’s not in some depressed, “I’m so sad, I’m going to kill myself” way, it is very much like we’ll be sitting there watching a show and randomly, out of nowhere, she’ll suddenly say, “I want to die!“. And when I get upset, because of course I do, she smirks and carries on as if she didn’t just utterly destroy me.

I keep trying to tell her that she doesn’t realize how what she’s saying is affecting the people around her. How does she think it makes people who have actually attempted suicide feel when she goes off about killing herself? Does she think it’s okay to call little babies “crackhead”? Does she really need to talk like that?

But nothing I say or do seems to be making much of a change at all. 

After over a week of dealing with her crap, The Boyfriend and I decide it’s time to take her cellphone away. Of course, she basically just ignores us – which we had sorta anticipated. So then, she gets told to come home right after school the next day. Instead, she doesn’t come home until after dinner. When asked where she was, she shrugs her shoulders, “Down by the river with friends” and acts as if she shouldn’t be in trouble. So then she got grounded and her cellphone got taken away and hidden.

However, this whole thing has basically not worked out at all. She has basically managed to get away with using her cellphone everyday and because it was pre-planned, is spending the weekend babysitting – in a different city, might I add. Needless to say, I know that my kid is getting the message that punishment means absolutely nothing around here.

And it’s terrible, because it is the one thing that The Boyfriend has always said that I suck at. Consistency in consequences. And I’ve always known that he’s not wrong, but when it’s like this, I feel like he gets to do his “I told ya so” dance all the time. And especially with Kaeidyn. He doesn’t feel very comfortable being the disciplinarian – I don’t make it easy for him (and neither does she…). So I can’t even be like, “You think you can do better? Be my guest!“. Ugh…

I officially do not like being a parent to a teenage daughter. It’s a lot of brain work. It’s consuming to a degree that I don’t think you can ever be prepared for. I just have no energy for anything. She has taken it all out of me. Not to mention the four boys… Don’t even get me started!