This post is intended for adults 18+

Back to Authenticity

Ever since my serious bout of depression, I’ve been a person who spends a lot of time analyzing my emotions or problems or symptoms, until I can understand their source. I don’t think I was ever taught this particular tool in any of the counselling I had ever been through – usually the focus was on eliminating the worry entirely from the get-go, like the common “worry about it later” strategy. I find the whole method flawed because eventually, I have to let myself worry and then what do I do with that?

So, I decided to spend some time with my worry. Really get to know it. Get to know it so well that it can’t hurt me anymore. I’ve figured out all the possible scenarios, from the good to the absolute worst, so there’s no surprises (though I’m not saying, in anyway, that I don’t come out of it surprised every time!). And while the whole process of worry is probably the worst part of my day-to-day struggle, because I tend to worry about the stupidest things, and while the analyzing only helps to a degree on comfort levels, it’s my process.

So, for weeks now, I’ve been dealing with this lowered sex drive issue. I’ve spent more than a few hours of almost every day contemplating the source of the change. I’ve tried writing so many posts about this, especially through the last few sexperiences, and I just keep getting completely stuck because I haven’t figured it out yet. I haven’t figured out what happened, what changed, or what’s causing it.

The first few days, my theory was one of two things: (1) It burnt out. My sex drive had been in overdrive for so long, I had been so wanting and so desperate for so long, that my body and mind needed a physical break and so I burnt out or (2) It faded away. For even longer than I’ve been blogging, I’ve been talking about a strong desire to have kinky sex and my inability to receive it. I’ve blogged about my complacency towards my “authentic sexual self” on many occasions. I had been so neglectful and so disappointed so many times, that my soul said no and the drive faded away – since it decided it wasn’t being used anyways…

Last night, I was browsing through my Tumblr. And it occurred to me, as it usually does anytime I’m viewing any type of porn, that it’s almost impossible to find stuff that doesn’t involve anal sex in the mainstream easy-to-access porn world. And as you all know, because I talk about it all the time, I’ve always desperately wanted to be an anal whore but the reality is that I don’t really like anal sex very much. I find it to be an uncomfortable experience, both physically and mentally, and I can count the number of times I’ve successfully had anal sex on one hand. As I scrolled through at least a hundred pictures of girls taking it in the ass like champs, it occurred to me that my “authentic sexual self” does not include anal sex.

If I’m being truly honest with myself, the mere fact that The Boyfriend has been able to sustain my interest via his interest for so long, is a serious shock. I have a rule – try everything thricely – and once that’s done and you’ve decided you don’t like it, abandon it. Well, I did my three times, I did more than my three times. Trying to force myself to stay interested in anal sex is keeping me further and further away from being my “authentic sexual self“, especially being that I’m not getting any of the “taboo” things that I want. I’m giving and not receiving and that is not in alignment with authenticity!

Yesterday, The Boyfriend spent the whole day talking about how he has intended to have morning sex and various things have held it back, mostly the fact that I’ve been wearing pants for the last few days. So, he hinted heavily that I should ensure that I made it easy for him and that I did. When he crawled into bed this morning, I felt uninterested. Highly uninterested and half-hoped that he would just fall asleep. I’ve never experienced that before. Although, I’ll have to say that I’m glad that he didn’t!

When he first touched me, I didn’t feel anything anywhere, except for comfort at his touch. No arousal. When he reached between my legs, I was absolutely flabbergasted that I was wet, because I had felt like I was completely un-aroused and dry. The sex was amazing, even as I was half asleep and he was exhausted, the morning spooning is always a great time. We slept for many hours after that wrapped up in each other’s arms and it was a wonderful way to end/start the day (depending on whose perspective you were viewing the day from).

I went for a drive with my Mom this afternoon and sat staring out the window, contemplating. I came home and woke The Boyfriend up and sat, contemplating. Then, a thought came to me. It’s as if my mind and vagina are not communicating at all right now. When I’m aroused mentally, my brain isn’t sending that signal to my vagina. And when my vagina is soaking with arousal, it’s not sending the aroused signal to my brain. It’s as if I’ve disconnected the two organs – where they used to work in tandem and now they’re working separately.

I thought back on the last few sexperiences and how I struggled to describe the type of disconnectedness I felt through the whole thing, even though The Boyfriend was working as hard as he ever does and even though it was enjoyable sex, I just felt so disconnected from the experience of it. And maybe it’s this huge combination of all these things.

Maybe I’ve been too complacent about becoming my “authentic sexual self” and maybe that has caused a major change in the way my brain and genitals communicate. Maybe to correct the situation, I need to re-discover who I am sexually and what my sexuality means. I mean, you do have to take into consideration that sometime ago, I went from defining myself as being “bi-curious” to now defining as “unsure” across the sexual board. Maybe it’s time to be un-unsure!

This post is intended for adults 18+

The Lowered Drive is Killing My Writing

One of the biggest problems I seem to be facing with this whole lowering of my sex drive is that I can’t seem to write a single good sentence on any of my erotica. I’ve been desperately craving writing something, I’ve got a story waiting to be finished, I’ve got all these story ideas and plans in my head – and yet, my lowered sex drive is making it impossible!

First of all, the issue of getting aroused. I tend to write my erotica and if it doesn’t turn me on, I scrap it. Because I’m a pretty easy target for arousal, so if it’s not turning me on, it’s probably not very good. However, right now, I’m all out of whack. Stuff that normally turns me on isn’t working at all and so everything I write erotically immediately seems to suck.

Second, the visualization. A huge part of my erotic writing happens because I have a vivid imagination that runs wild with sexual thoughts. Without those visualizations, without the ability to even attempt to have those visions, I have nothing to spring forth from. I have no scene, I have no characters, I have no plot and there’s definitely not any sex!

The lowered sex drive doesn’t seem to be having any effect on any other area of my life except my erotic writing and I am officially noticing and I am officially not happy about it at all! Tonight, as I attempted for the umpteenth time this week to write an erotic piece, I officially hit my breaking point. I kept trying to explore why I was having such a hard time with it, why I’d get two paragraphs in and suddenly be completely lost, why I couldn’t get a single sexual moment out between anything, and I’ve finally figured it out. And I am not happy, not happy at all!

I want to write but I am being way too critical to get it done…

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

This is Not The Role Reversal Your Looking For…

For many years, through thousands of awkward conversations and more than a handful of disappointing moments, I have been the one with the high sex drive while The Boyfriend’s was almost non-existent. Rarely did this ever change and definitely not for longer than a couple nights off.

For many years, I have been the one complaining there wasn’t enough sex (even though the calendar said there was) and I’m the one who’s been openly expressing my fantasies and thinking about sex all day. It’s what I’m used to and where I’ve been at for a really long time. It’s normal for me.

But, we’re going on over a month now, where I seem to have little to no sexual desire at all and he seems to be a raging ball of sexual energy. My eyebrows have been raised many times by his overt expressions of arousal. I’m not used to it from him and apparently it is absolutely throwing me off my game…

We may not be having a whole heck of a lot of sex right now, although if he had his way and wasn’t a such a slave to a good sleep, we’d be having it multiple times a day. And I honestly have no idea what has caused the sudden change and he likes to theorize that maybe we switched statistical genders – where his sex drive is peaking in his late 20’s/early 30’s and my sex drive is dwindling off, as if I was a teenage boy in heat back in the high sex drive years.

In terms of my sex drive, I’m not really sure what’s caused the extreme shift for me. It’s been a really slow and gradual process for me. I remember one night being incredibly aroused during masturbation. Then, I remember that the next night I masturbated not because I had any desire to do so, but because I felt like it would help me sleep. Ever since that night, it’s been a little touch and go.

For the most part, it’s not affecting me much at all. I had one night of issues during sex of not being able to keep myself lubricated. I just was not turned on enough to stay wet and nothing either of us was doing seemed to be helping. It didn’t mean that we stopped or anything and the sex was still great sex and he didn’t really seem to notice a big difference, but I found it to be most unusual. I just chalked it up to lack of fluids or exhaustion and basically ignored it. I had a few more nights of masturbating to put myself to sleep, with hardly any “sexual thoughts” and now it’s been more days than I’ve gone in quite awhile without an orgasm.

And somehow, I’m not craving it…

To be honest, it’s quite disorienting. I haven’t gotten to the point where I’m worried about it, because I’m still able to have sex and orgasm and feel sexual pleasure, but it feels weird to not be in a state of constant arousal and it feels weird to have no real sexual thoughts throughout the day. It feels abnormal for me to have to work so hard to get aroused and stay that way. It doesn’t feel precisely right.

And it especially hits me, how absolutely weird it is, when The Boyfriend starts going off about his sexual thoughts. It’s like I have to hear him say it twice to believe that it’s actually coming out of his mouth. That not only is he having these thoughts but that he’s also openly expressing them frequently. And I didn’t even mention his almost constant half-chubs that he’s walking around with all day! You’d think that I’d be getting turned on by all the sensual passion floating around here lately. Typically, this would make me a wet mess! But it’s just not working out that way.

The concept of role reversal has always been a big interest of mine in the kink-sense. Power exchange has been on my list of things to do since day one! But this is absolutely not the type of role reversal I was looking for at all! Maybe I’ll end up appreciating it or learning something from it at some point.

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

No Expectations = Good

It was such an odd night last night. The Boyfriend was on his night off from work, we had gotten rid of two out of four of the kids (and all of the ones that hate how loud we can get), and all of this seemed to over-excite him. Normally, his desire makes me desire, but I just wasn’t feeling it at all last night – although I wasn’t about to turn him down.

I was completely weirded out by my lack of interest. Usually, he runs the tip of that one finger up my inner thigh and I’m shivering in anticipation. Last night, I really could’ve taken or left it. So, when he undid his belt and whipped off his pants as I was lounging on the couch, I was not even close to ready for penetration. When he roughly entered my less lubricated nether region, I clawed at him and gasped. Naturally, I became wetter and wetter, but my head still wasn’t in it. I was just going through the actions.

Wasn’t Expecting That!

He came quicker than I was expecting. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting him to cum at all, but he did. He was gentle and sweet as he helped clean me up and got me back into comfiness on the couch. Then we both went back to doing our things, me on my computer and him on his games. We ended up staying up a good two hours later than we were expecting to and I was sure that he would pass out the moment his head hit the pillow.

Again, my brain just wasn’t in the game. He was not ready for sleep but was immediately ready for his round two. He rolled me onto my side and began quickly pounding me and I gripped at the sheets, begging my pussy to just get wet. He rolled me onto my back and flung my legs up around his shoulders and the deepness of him sent my hands to his hair where I pulled hard until his head was all the way back. “Let me up!“, I winced and he hastily rose off me.

I went and got a drink, went to the bathroom and checked to make sure there were no reasons why I wasn’t getting as lubricated as I normally do. All was good, so I went back upstairs worrying about my level of desire. I laid down next to The Boyfriend, even though he was anticipating being mounted, and he rolled to caress my legs. He asked, his voice soft and smooth, “Do you wanna roll onto your stomach?” and I nodded and rolled as he worked himself behind me.

Didn’t Expect That!

My fingers went to work on my clit, and I lazily wriggled my hands between my legs. Even though I didn’t feel it, he whispered into my ear, “You’re so wet!“. He slid out of me precisely a moment later and as he thrust forward my hand was smothered in the slick liquid. Just as easily as he had slid out, he slid back in and I sighed audibly with relief, my fingers now working with more effort towards their goal.

His hands suddenly felt so rough on my back and ass, moving back and forth in various configurations, pushing down here and there. I buried my face in my pillow as he grabbed one ass cheek hard on with one hand and my opposite shoulder blade with the other hand, half pulling me back, half pushing me down – the fabric barely muffling the moans as they escaped with each thrust. He kept trying to kiss my neck or my cheeks, but my hair kept getting in the way, or I’d move just as his lips got near.

Both hands gripped at my ass and as he pulled, his cock slid out between my cheeks. I thought for sure he was going to try for anal, especially being there was now an abundance of natural lubrication. Instead, he pushed my cheeks together and sensually ran himself between them and I quivered and cooed beneath him. When he pulled my cheeks apart again, he slid right back into my waiting pussy and held my flesh tightly between his clenched fists.

Kinda Expected That…

A few thrusts later, I pushed back onto him roughly as my orgasm rippled through my chest and as it reached my ribs, he thrust hard and deep and unloaded himself, the shockwaves lashing through him until he collapsed onto my back, breathing heavy with exhaustion. My orgasm had stopped at his first shot and felt tight in my whole abdomen. All I could think about was releasing that feeling.

I began to roll and he rolled off of me and I immediately went to work on my clit. He half dozed off/half caressed my inner thighs or sporadically tweaked my nipple, and eventually I turned my head away and closed my eyes doing everything I could to tune everything else, save for the sensations circling my clit, out. I struggled and I remember wanting to give up as a cramp nestled into my masturbating arm and my boob kept sticking to the sweat on my non-masturbating arm. But the feeling in my gut kept me going and going and going.

I felt it coming for what felt like forever and The Boyfriend must’ve too, because he seemed to completely wake up and his hands gently ran up and down my legs, tugging every so often. The tip of his finger slid across that area where thigh meets vulva, and my whole body froze for a second before quaking through an orgasm that left my whole body tight. I collapsed back from the almost ball-like state I had convulsed into and panted through the remaining twitches, suddenly realizing how utterly exhausted I felt.

Lesson Learnt: No Expectations = Good

He curled up nice and tight next to me, keeping me as warm as he could with his arms on my breasts. I put my cold toes against his calves and it was mere moments before we were both dead to the world asleep. It was a much shorter sleep than we were expecting to get, by a lot, but it was a really deep sleep and we were both surprised at how well we’ve functioned today. He’s already talking about more sex tonight and what he has in store for me – even his humor is dirtier than usual. At least my brain’s a little more in the game tonight 😉

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

The Elusive Third

For probably the first time in our relationship, The Boyfriend’s sex drive is way more active than mine is being, and it has been one of the most pleasant twists. Over the last two weeks, the sex has been incredible.

I’m working on a post about the holiday sex, but today, I want to talk about last night’s sex – because it was mind-blowing! I cannot get over the fact that seven years into it and we’re still finding new things to discover and explore. I think every time we have another first, we fall in love just a little bit more.

He had spent the entire day focused on sex it seemed. I mean, he went about doing a lot of other things but every once and awhile, he’d say something or just look over in a certain way, and you knew that he was thinking of nothing else but what he was going to get to do that evening. Once the kids were all in their rooms, it became a lot less subtle as fingers roamed freely every time a new idea popped into his head.

He was in a very instructive mood, even before the sex began. He grabbed out a dress and stated, “You’ll be wearing this after you get out of your bath!“, and a huge grin swept it’s way across my face. So, I went for a nice long bath and tried to read, but he kept coming up and distracting me with stolen kisses and rough fingers in wet places.

I sat on the couch after the bath, red from the heat and slightly draped by a towel, moisturizing my legs. Even though he was in the middle of video gaming, he couldn’t help but suddenly be completely drawn into the legs – he has a thing for them. Abruptly, he dives between my legs and begins some of the best oral sex I’ve ever been given. Hands all over my thighs, still slick with the moisturizer and tongue and lips working in the most incredible rhythm that had my hands vigorously latched onto the curls of his hair.

He’d walk away and go back to games, leaving me panting on the couch. I’d calm down and go back to moisturizing the next part of my body, and he’d suddenly dive back between my legs and this went on for a good hour. He had come and sat down next to me, and his hands were everywhere as he kissed me deeply. When they finally reached my clit, it seemed like mere moments before I was whispering, “If you keep that up, you’re going to make me cum!” and he smiled back, “Good!“. As soon as he said the first consonant, my body tightened and he pulled me in for a tight hug and long kiss as the waves of my first orgasm crashed over me. “That’s the first!“, he said.

We had agreed we weren’t ready for more sex yet. It was still too early. So, we decided to put on a movie. The idea was to watch it just long enough until we headed upstairs, but My Awkward Sexual Adventure on Netflix ended up being a pretty great movie, so we watched it dedicatedly, with only a few little rubs and grabs here and there.

The second the credits finished rolling, we rushed to get upstairs. I had laid on my stomach before he got into the room and something about this was the best idea ever. He enjoyed that my dress appeared to be see-through (which would make sense, since it’s a really old dress), and crawled on top of me and rubbed my back and ass through the fabric. I had remembered that the last time I wore the dress, I had found a couple unfortunately placed holes, so I was planning on throwing it out. I told The Boyfriend about the holes, and his excitement level went from almost nothing to thrilled!

Immediately he began searching for any holes he could find, planning how he might begin ripping me out of this dress. When he reached his fingers inside the first tiny hole and began to tear, we both gasped taking pleasure in the sound of it. His hand reached inside the hole and his hands, one on my skin and one on my fabric, made me shiver in delight. He ripped another hole and then another hole. His cock was so hard as he slid into one of the holes and directly between my legs, where I was much wetter than I thought I would be.

He teased as he gently kissed my shoulders, his hands exploring my sides and reaching around to feel the curve of the underside of my breast. He whispered in my ear as he laid soft kisses on the lobe, “From right now, you’re going to do everything that I say, okay?” and I cheekily replied, “Yes, Sir!” and we both grinned wildly. He lifted off of me and began ripping the dress more. He pulled hard until the three holes he had previously made larger became one large hole. He admired his work for a moment before continuing on and ripping the dress all the way around to the front, turning my ankle-length tank-top dress into a butt-length smock.

He flipped me over onto my back to remove the bottom part of the torn dress, and carelessly penetrated me as he continued ripping up the bottom into smaller pieces. After he had a few pieces ripped off, he told me to sit up and moved away from me. I sat cross-legged and he moved behind me. Without a word, he placed a piece of the ripped dress over my eyes and tied it tightly behind my head. He breathed into my ear, “Are you okay?” and I said, “Yes“. “Good! Well then, get on your hands and knees!” and I asked, “Facing which way?” and he said, “Window” and I shakily moved to the right spot.

He let out the slightest moan and I smiled. He grabbed my feet and put them together and then grabbed another piece of the dress and tightened my ankles together. I could feel him moving closer to me, could feel the heat of him, but when his lips took in my dangling nipples – well, I hadn’t expected that at all. I jumped away from him and feeling suddenly disoriented, “Did you turn the lights off?“. “Nope, you okay?“, he asked concerned, as his hands continued touching me in ways that I felt unable to anticipate.

He grabbed my arms and lifted them up behind me and playfully pushed my head into the pillow. He wrapped another piece of dress around my wrists and tied them together. I could feel him stand back and admire his work, his innovation, and when his fingers easily slid into my wetness, he knew I was more than ready to feel him. He mounted me fast and rough and hard, and I felt like my whole body was going to topple over. I didn’t feel connected to my limbs and when he’d run the tips of his fingers across them, I’d giggle at the strangeness of it.

He pulled out of me and pulled me up by the rags around my wrists, until I was kneeling. I sat waiting and he ripped the front of my dress, exposing one breast. He roughly grabbed them and kissed them before guiding my mouth to his cock. We awkwardly managed this, as I was still wearing the blindfold and kept flinching every time he’d get close. I’d feel something near my cheek and pull back and he’d pull me closer and wordlessly direct me to the right spot.

He undid the tie around my ankles, laid down on the bed and ordered, “Now, get on top of me!” and I literally laughed out loud because I was suddenly aware of how difficult it was to move around when I couldn’t see anything or use my hands. He chuckled, “Don’t worry, I’ll help you.”, and he wrapped one arm around me and used the other to help me lift my leg high enough to get over him without accidentally kneeing him anywhere special.

It took me a bit to acquaint myself with our positioning. He used his hands and his strength to put me exactly as he wanted me, and his pleasure was audible when we got to the point of penetration. He grabbed my phone and tried to snap pictures, but the real thing was too good for him, and after three blurry pictures, he threw the phone down and one hand went between my legs and the other grabbed frantically at my exposed and unexposed breasts.

He reached around behind me and undid the tied up dress pieces from my wrists and from around my eyes and I fell into his waiting arms to receive an incredibly passionate kiss. He held me tightly and ran his hands over my hair to brush it out of my face and inquired confidently, “You okay?” and I nodded, feeling all sorts of floaty.

He rolled me onto my back and quickly penetrated me, both of us more than ready for my second orgasm. My hands went to work on my clit as he hit this new spot that we’ve just discovered that always feels epic for me. My right hand circled my clit and my left hand went between his chest and his ass, gripping and clawing the former and gently following the curve of the latter.

He watched me grinning, as the second orgasm rippled over me. I bucked right off of him and then quickly pushed him back in and convulsed as he gently rocked his hips. I shuddered at the final pulse of my pussy and he moaned, “That’s two!“. I snuggled into his forearms, placed beside my head, and kissed the veins pulsing in them. “Ready for the next one?“, he asked and I nodded, going straight back to circling my clit as he ripped open the rest of the front of my dress.

The third orgasm would just not come. He kept on, even though sweat was literally wicking off his back and chest and burning his eyes. He kept on, even though we both had to stop long enough to pick strands of my hair off of our fingers and arms and legs. He kept on for so long and I finally heaved, “I need you to cum!” and his eyes lit up. He had been so concerned about my pleasure up to this point and my orgasms, that I don’t think it had even occurred to him to orgasm. He was going to last, no matter what!

“Please Daddy, fill me up“, I whispered as I ran my hands up through his hair, pulling just gently, “Cum for me!“, I encouraged and he thrust harder and faster, the sweat dripping from his forehead onto my chest, the heat of him and our stubborn orgasms, making my arms and shins sweat. “It’s…“, he panted and I pulled him close, “I know“, and he collapsed over me, kissing my cheek before asking, “You ready?“. I nodded and he rolled exhausted into his spot.

I continued to work towards my third orgasm as we came down from the experience, talking about the best moments. Normally, this not a sexy conversation, it’s more analytical. But he was working on helping me orgasm, so he made it a sexier conversation full of compliments. “I loved how you had such a hard time moving with the blindfold on! You needed me so much. And your neck looked so good all tight and glistening with sweat.” and I smiled shyly. His hands caressed my thigh as I frantically worked on my clit, the orgasm seemingly escaping me.

I was ready to give up. My arms were soaked in sweat, my whole vulvular area felt swollen and well-used. I didn’t think it was going to happen. He grabbed my leg just right at exactly the right moment and the third orgasm, the elusive one, was the most intense of the night. I’m normally a toe-up type of girl, where the orgasm starts in the toes and radiates up from there. This time, it started in my jaw. I clenched tightly, as it dragged it’s way down my body. My stomach tightened and then my legs pushed hard into the mattress as my toes bent around the blankets. A monotonous clenched moan droned from between my lips and The Boyfriend wrapped his arm around me, consuming me in a hug, as I violently shook and clenched frantically beneath him.

He kissed my cheek and we separated, the sweat now sticky and gross, not sexy and fun. He opened the window wide and I turned on the fan, both of us ready for the night to be done. He was beyond exhausted and I had been thoroughly used. I kissed him hard, “Oh, I really do love you so much!” and he muttered, half asleep, “I really do love you too…” and after a few moments, as his eyes could no longer stay open, “…so much“.

I swear, I went to sleep grinning like a fool!