The Rantings - For Everyone

Birthdays & Back-To-School

This is probably the first summer ever that I have not been totally overwhelmed by the kids. That was, until this morning…

Most summers, by this point, I’m almost literally pulling my hair out in frustration. Normally, I’m yelling all the time because it feels like no one is listening. Typically, I can’t wait for school to start back up just to get a break from them. But this summer hasn’t really felt like that.

They’ve all been so great this summer. I mean, they’ve been kids – so it’s been a handful and a half. There’s also a baby, been a handful and a half. But, they’ve all been helpful, they’ve all been well-behaved and relatively well-mannered. They’ve still been themselves, attitudes and all, but I haven’t felt utterly overwhelmed by them.

However, I woke up today and I’ve just been in this mood. This place, this state-of-mind, and I just suddenly feel entirely consumed by motherhood.

It’s back-to-school. It’s gotta be. It starts tomorrow and I feel like we’ve never been less prepared. Again, I know in my rational brain that we are this unprepared almost every year. Kaeidyn pointed out to me yesterday that this year is no different from last in terms of unpreparedness. But, it hit me like a ton of bricks today immediately upon waking.

I woke up just irritated and annoyed and I can’t seem to shake the feeling. Every time one of the kids makes a sound, I’m having to take a deep breath not to snap at them. Kenzie talks back and I immediately feel personally attacked – like he’s trying to pick a fight with me. And it has nothing to do with them at all and everything to do with me…

I hate when I feel like a total failure as a parent, as a Mom. It’s this time of year, I swear.

Four out of five of the kids have birthdays all one right after another – all at a time when we can’t do anything special for anyone’s birthdays because we’ve just spent every extra penny on school supplies. Which we haven’t even done yet because of the way paydays worked this year. Yet another thing that just stacks against me. It’s not the first time it’s happened – it happens more often than I’d like to admit – and we always figure it out and roll with it and make it work. But it just feels like crap.

My baby also turns one tomorrow…

I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about that. Every time anyone mentions it, I just groan loudly. How did it go by so fast?!? I mean, I remember it going fast with all the other kids, but not this fast. It doesn’t feel like he’s been around for that long. And don’t even get me started on how much I hate the ages we’re getting close to.

I’ve gone through toddlerhood four times now and hated every single moment of it, every single time. I can say pretty confidently that I despise toddlerhood. Teenagehood is being hard, but toddlerhood was harder. Toddlerhood is physically, mentally, emotionally hard. Other age stages are one or two of those things – physically and mentally hard or mentally and emotionally hard – but toddlerhood packs it all into one punch. One punch that lasts a number of years!

I hate that I’m feeling it all the day before back-to-school. It was supposed to hit a week ago so that I could deal and process before the ultimate stress began. But having it hit all at once like this, and not having the excuse of “I’m in the hospital in labor” like last year, is just making my day a crappy day.

Is it bedtime yet?!?

The Rantings - For Everyone

It’s June Already…!!

Oh my goodness, its June already!! This year has just been whipping by. And it’s June already…!

It’s that dreaded time of the year again where we’re heading into a housing inspection. It means doing a super deep clean of every single square foot of this house. It means trying to stay motivated to get cleaning done for longer than one day, while also maintaining motivation for the five other people in the house. It means freaking out for an entire week that we aren’t doing enough, no matter how many hours we work, unnecessarily – because we’ve managed to not fail five years running.

This year seems especially unmanageable because I am pregnant and uncomfortable and it is making all the cleaning feel that much harder. Washing dishes has become the biggest pain in the butt because the counter cuts right across my massive stomach, so I hunch a lot and really upset my hips. I get tuckered out a million times quicker to the point where I have to sit at least to catch my breath and re-motivating myself after each tucker out is just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t think I’ve ever had a housing inspection while I was pregnant, and I can tell you that I absolutely do not like it!

I realized the other day that we’ve only got about thirteen weeks left until it’s baby time. Again, time is just whipping by. I feel like it was just the other day that I was stressing out about telling our parents… And now, it’s only a short time before we’ll be holding a baby in our arms. I know that over the next month or so things will slow down dramatically (as it always does in the third trimester) and I’ll be bitching about how time is now marching along at a sluggish speed, but right now, it feels like it’s going really fast.

We went for our last monthly prenatal appointment. After that one, they start happening every two weeks. Everything with baby and my health is looking great. My blood pressure was on point, all my recent tests – ultrasound, glucose screening, etc. – all came back normal, and most surprisingly to us baby is measuring exactly where he’s supposed to be. I’ve never measured accurately, always measuring at least two weeks small – even with Carter who was a normal-sized baby! Now we have one last ultrasound to schedule and then it’s just a matter of counting down!

School is already almost out! It took us all year to get Carter to like going to school and now that he finally does, it’s about to end! It’s crazy how fast the school year has gone too. Although I can honestly say that I’m looking forward to summer break. I’m looking forward to not having to do the school routine because it is probably the hardest routine we try our best, and often fail, to stick with. It’s a lot of pressure off! I’m also looking forward to doing summer stuff with the kids. I cannot wait to spend a day at the beach!

I still just can’t believe it’s June already. Time is just whipping by!

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Kaeidyn Drama

Originally written around March 13th:

Parenting is the by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And you’d think it would get easier as they got older, but the reality is that it just gets harder and harder. Since my last post, the Kaeidyn drama reached the boiling point today and we ended up going into the school and having a discussion with them.

As part of the school program, Kaeidyn’s able to use Google Hangouts. She enjoys it because she can keep in touch with her friends. And she knows that all the parents have access to her account and are regularly reading through her conversations. Last night, The Boyfriend checked in as usual and noticed some seriously disturbing messages.

One boy had sent her sexually explicit messages asking her to do a variety of sexual favors for him. No matter how often she said “No” or the number of ways in which she said it, the boy continued to ask her and push her – at one point even stating that he would force himself on her. One girl had sent her pictures of her cut arms and messages claiming that Kaeidyn was the cause of them. Immediately, The Boyfriend called me and we began hashing out a plan on how to deal with it.

We woke up early this morning and went down to the school to get it sorted out. We’ve had problems with the girl in the past and honestly, I’m incredibly concerned about her, so I wanted to bring that to the school’s attention right away. We met with the principal and it sounds like they will be talking to each of the kids we mentioned, including Kaeidyn. He will confer with Kaeidyn’s counselor and they will do what they can on their end.

The Boyfriend had been fuming prior to the meeting but was comforted by the meeting. I walked out more upset than I was before we had gone in. The feminist in me is angry at all men today and I don’t see it going away for a while.

All night and all morning, The Boyfriend kept saying things that just were a little off to me. After the boy pushes and pushes Kaeidyn, instead of saying “No“, she replied “Maybe” to the question “Would you have sex with me?“. This irritated The Boyfriend to no end and multiple times he said things that implied that Kaeidyn was inviting more advances. He kept saying that we should ground her off of Hangouts and essentially punish her for allowing herself to be violated, for not telling the parents immediately, for something. This is after the other night spending hours on the phone with Alfie basically listening to the same crap.

Then, we go into the principal and the language used, once again treats it like she’s instigating and she’s at fault. She’s “vulnerable” and “perky“, “attracts the boys” and “puts herself in the middle“. Again, no one is out and out saying, “It’s her fault!“, but almost implying that it is.

I remember being 11-years-old. You are sexual even when you’re not even aware that you are sexual. I remember one time sucking on a candy cane, like I did all the time. Except this particular year, a boy mentioned how sexy it was when I did that. I couldn’t understand how it was possibly sexy and relied on my Mom to tell me. Kaeidyn’s going through the exact same thing and the language used by all the men and even some of the women in our life, implies that she’s somehow at fault for how others’ see her.

It’s ridiculous how ingrained this thinking is in the mind’s of the people around me. It reminds me of when she was wearing short skirts and everyone immediately told her that she “would be raped” dressing in that way. And I feel like everyone is reacting to this negatively, except for me. And I can’t seem to convince anyone of how okay all of this is.

The reality is, that kid is growing up. And faster now than ever before. And in this time, we make the decision what kind of parents we’re going to be and what kind of relationship we’re going to have with her. And to be honest, it is a thousand times more important to me that she comes and talks to me when she’s ready to have sex than it is for me to not have her having sex. Of course, I don’t want my baby girl to have sex yet and I don’t want her out kissing boys and being surrounded by drama. But I know that I don’t control that, she does!

Added on March 26th:

After being talked to by the principal, the boy is no longer talking to Kaeidyn. He considers her to be a “snitch” and Kaeidyn has moved on and seems entirely un-phased by it. She has blocked the girl on Hangouts and has been attempting to steer clear of any drama.

The Dads have all seemed to simmer quite a bit and we haven’t had anymore discussions regarding it. Kaeidyn spent some time not using Hangouts, simply so all the parents could come back down to earth, and has only recently started up again – so far, so good.

#FridayFavorites

#FridayFavorites: For the Week of November 27 – December 4

Ever wanted to be able to see what I’m up to all over the web without actually having to go all over the web? Well, now you can with #FridayFavorites. Join me every Friday to see my favorite finds and posts over the last week.


Favorite Tumblr Find

Everything you find on my Tumblr will be absolutely NSFW and totally intended for adults only! But here’s my favorite PG-13 find from this week and be sure to check out my #TumblrFavorites posts.

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/134109520216/allofmydirtylittlethoughts-jennebenn17

Follow My Tumblr


Favorite Google+ Update

Kaeidyn went to her first ever school dance this week. She looked so beautiful and adorable standing next to her boyfriend at the Winter Formal.

Circle Me on Google+


Favorite Tweet

I’ve been spending some time in a chatroom, as I do every few months, and I’ve attracted a few readers. Love when I reach new view milestones!

Follow Me on Twitter


Favorite Instagram Post

We went to the 22nd (if I remember, correctly) Annual Breakfast with Santa with the kids and it was a total blast (see the post below)! This is turning out to be a much better Christmas than I had anticipated it would be.

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Favorite Posts Over the Last Week

In case you might’ve missed them over the last little while, here’s my favorite posts from around here over the last week…

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 Well, that’s my #FridayFavorites.

I encourage you to follow me wherever you are and if you have favorites that are different than mine, let me know what you loved in the comments below! And be sure to join me next Friday for another installment of #FridayFavorites – what will I find?

Lately…

I have been utterly sick these last few days. It started with The Boyfriend and he quickly passed it on to me. The first day wasn’t so bad, but day two and three were rough and I’ve done absolutely nothing but sleep and pout.

I’ve had an incredibly tough week with the kids and I just feel bogged down by them lately. I’ve been working hard to keep up on their school stuff and we’ve been doing a great job, but somehow my timing has been off for everything this last little while and I’ve been unprepared on more than one morning for the school day ahead.

Kenzie’s also struggling a lot in school right now and he seems to be taking out on us. His attitude has been out of control the last few days and we’ve had a number of tantrums that resulted in early bedtimes. He’s not adjusting to the reading and the spelling and we knew that he was going to have issues, but we didn’t expect to have no idea how to deal with it once he realized he was struggling. On more than one occasion, we’ve thrown our hands up with no clue about how to proceed.

Carter has been a violent kid and seems to always be picking a fight with his brothers. He’s gotten into just suddenly walking over and punching them or kicking them. We haven’t exhausted the list of ways to deal with it, but we’re going through it and so far nothing is working. He wants to fight and Kenzie and Keirnan don’t. It’s a huge pain in the butt to deal with and I hate trying to figure it out.

Keirnan’s been doing great in school and seems to be the only kid right now who isn’t giving me a massive migraine. He’s been reading a lot and keeping himself busy doing quiet things like building with his legos or drawing. It’s been quite a shock how well he’s doing at school, because we never expected him to. We were always being prepared by everyone for him to not do so great because of his prematurity and previous speech impetiment, but it’s not holding him back at all.

Kaeidyn has been pretty awesome lately too. She’s been doing really good in all her classes, except gym – although she expected that she wasn’t going to do very good. Today, she came home from school with gifts that she had picked up from the school store and brought me home a new shirt and jacket, which she claims is my birthday present. I think really she just picked it out for her and then realized it was too big, but I’m not complaining and gave her great big hugs and kisses for spoiling me.

She’s had a hard time with letting the parents be parents recently and there’s been a lot of lecturing of her, on top of everyone else, about why she needs to let the parents deal with the kids who are misbehaving. She always wants to add her two cents to every situation and most of the time, she doesn’t get her point across very well at all. It’s been trying to say the least.

I’ve been feeling generally stressed right out this last little while. I mean, part of it is the fact that I’ve been sick, so therefore have been slacking on everything. Anytime I slack a lot, I start feeling stressed. But the other part of it, I’m not sure what’s going on. I’ve got no real reason to be stressed out, other than the usual, and yet I can’t seem to shake it. I spent a few days thinking maybe it was another bout of depression, it had started to feel that way, but the last two days seem to be less negative – so I’m just riding it out and seeing where I end up right now.

Well, that’s basically all I have to write at the moment. Just wanted to do a quick update. I plan on spending the next couple days cleaning, so it may be a bit before I write again. We’ll see 😉

This post is from The List and is for everyone.

When I Grow Up… I’ll Get a Degree

I’m going to start this post off by saying that when it comes to post-secondary education, I basically know nothing. Although I vividly remember having a desire to attend Harvard at an incredibly young age, by high school, I knew that I would never attend college and my fate was basically sealed when I dropped out two weeks into my twelfth year.

I did return to a community-type college a few years later in hopes of becoming a unit clerk. My interests have always been based around medicine in some way and while I don’t believe I could ever become a doctor, I could sure as heck do everything that was required of a unit clerk. Unfortunately, this whole entire plan failed miserably and I wasn’t able to complete that either.

Part of my biggest issue with going back to school in anyway has always been a lack of a sense of direction. Not knowing what I need to do to get to where I want to go and not knowing for sure that where I want to go is where I want to be. Although I do have to say that in recent years that has changed somewhat, however the opportunities for what I want to do, seem far less available to me.

For a few years now, I’ve been highly interested in becoming a sex therapist and/or sexologist. Both areas tend to interest me and honestly, I’d like to become an expert in both fields. I know that there are a large number of ways to achieve this and a variety of different educational paths to go down to get to that ultimate goal. Which only makes the sense of direction that much more lacking.

While I don’t think you need a degree to be a grown up, when I grow up, I’d really like to have one. I’d like to have one for my career prospects (which at the present are rather abysmal), I’d like to have one to show off to all the people, I’d like to have one to show off to myself! I’d love to go through the dedication and commitment it takes to earn a degree and I’d like to come out on the other side feeling like a much more rounded and educated person.

In a perfect world, I would really love to have a degree in psychology with a focus on sexuality in some way. However, I don’t know if I would ever qualify to even attempt to obtain a psychology degree. One day, I’ll visit my local college and see a knowledgeable guidance counsellor and find out what I can do and how I can do it. Previously, I’ve gone to employment and education services that have no idea how to go about doing anything of a sexual nature and look at me like I’m a lunatic upon the suggestion. Maybe the reaction will be different among academics. For now, I’ll just dream about the day when I’m all grown up!