The Rantings - For Everyone

Master Procrastinator’s Funk

I feel like I’m finally beginning to come out of the funk I feel like I’ve been in for the better part of a month.

Don’t ask me where exactly it was coming from, don’t ask me what was causing it and definitely don’t ask me how I’m managing to come out of it, because I have answers for none of these questions.

It seems like it happens when a series of things feel like failures to me. I get sick after the baby gets sick. I anticipated it and yet, did nothing to prepare. So, for three days, I laid on the couch doing nothing but whining about my sickness – while the world continued to move on around me.

The world of five kids and a partner who is working so hard outside of the house and procrastinators all around, and the world where Mom is too miserable to do anything. So, the dishes pile up and the garbage overflows and the clean laundry ends up all over the floor and no one is eating properly and everyone is just plain moody.

And then I get over my sickness and I realize how disgusting the house is and how unhappy everyone is, and how now I gotta clean all this shit up. And we know I’ll never get to it, because I’m me and just because I play the role of “The Cleaner”, doesn’t mean I’m actually good at it. Master Procrastinator is actually my superhero name!

And the to-do list just becomes so overwhelming that I can’t help but be completely rundown by it. Just emotionally and mentally exhausted. It gets to the point where the only thing I can even bring myself to do is click on decks of cards in Solitaire, in an attempt to numb my brain of all the crap that is going up there…

I’ve heard some people say that being a parent, especially a Mother, is the hardest job in the world. However, I’d like to clarify that being a homemaker – in the most basic sense of the word – is the hardest job in the world.

Sure, raising kids is hard. But it’s incredibly intuitive. It all comes to you by instinct. Well, that and common-sense. Yes, it’s overwhelming and exhausting in its own right. Yes, you have to actively put effort and time into it. Yes, it’s not easy at all.

But take away all the homemaking aspects, and it becomes a lot easier. Take away the bills to pay, take away the rent. Take away school and schedules and making and preparing meals that are not only, to some degree nutritious, but that your kids will also eat. Take away housecleaning and laundry and dishes for days. Take away all these things, and the job becomes a heck of a lot less overwhelming, time-consuming, mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Add into it my own self-imposed deadlines for stuff that I’m supposed to be getting done online – stuff that I started, stuff that I want to work on, stuff that I want to finish – and yet, with those deadlines looming I just feel paralyzed every time I try to get anything done. I’ve written before about staring at the screen just mindlessly clicking through tabs, not able to focus on anything for longer than half a second. Just feeling bogged down by it.

Ugh, I’m going to get over it all. I swear. It seems like one day I’ve got a handle on all of it, and then the next day I just can’t do anything. I hate these times…

Wasting Away

I feel like I am struggling in a lot of different ways lately. From the lowered drive (which seems to be interfering with my every thought), to my cold that just won’t seem to let up, to a general lack of energy and motivation and finally, my overall sombre mood. I just kinda feel like I’m struggling.

I’m not eating or sleeping right at the moment, and that probably has a lot to do with everything. I never feel hungry and then when I do get the extreme munchies, everything tastes gross or not very good or bland. My sleep is all over the place and for the most part, I’ve comfortably adopted The Boyfriend’s graveyard sleep schedule. So, there’s been a lot of all-nighters and then sleeping all day, which is just terrible for my mood.

Then, I’m noticing myself at least once a day, almost resenting everyone for the progress they’re making in their life, while I feel like I’m stuck standing still. I mean, the big one right now, and I don’t know if this is normal for most parents to feel, but I feel like everyone is growing up so fast and getting new experiences all the time. New friends, new responsibilities, just general newness. And I feel, almost like a sense of jealousy about it, like I’m getting nothing new and like I’m stuck and they’re moving onwards.

Everyone I know is going back to work or moving up in their jobs, and I just get this overwhelming feeling that I’m wasting my life away. I’m wasting my potential, I’m wasting opportunities, I’m wasting away. Like, I’m not even living, I’m just wasting. Wasting up space – physical space, emotional space – wasting up resources and wasting people’s time.

Firstly, I know that none of the above is true. Let me start by saying that. Secondly, even if it is true, the only way to change the narrative is to do something about it. Get off my butt, eat something healthy, actually look into going back to school or work or volunteering or doing something new. I mean, the answer is literally pointing and laughing at me! I know what I need to do, but for some reason, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Part of it is probably my negative self-talk. I’ve always struggled with it, always. As a perfectionist and as someone who is highly self-critical, I’m quick to verbally and mentally bash myself, sometimes even before a mistake or failure has been made. It’s not uncommon for me to have a dream or a goal and then completely talk myself out of it because I’m not good enough, skilled enough, qualified, or even deserving of the end product. And shutting that down is a constant battle that I don’t seem to be winning.

That and I seem to be in hardcore procrastination mode about everything. I keep saying “Okay, today I’m going to get this and this done” or “Tomorrow, it’ll be all about this job!” and then I put it off and put it off until the day passes and I spend another one doing nothing but talking about all the stuff that I need to do. Instead of taking any action whatsoever, I’m talking about and dreaming about and fantasizing about what I want or need to get done. And I can’t seem to just force myself to get up and do it. I can’t find the energy or the desire.

I’m used to someone getting on my ass when it’s like this. Someone saying that this is not acceptable, saying out loud the things that I’m thinking in my head. I’m used to someone kicking me when I’m down and somehow that lifting me up. I’m not used to the supportive boyfriend cuddling me and telling me I’m perfect and picking up my slack and while it makes me fall so much deeper in love with him because I feel truly taken care of, it also makes me angry at him for letting me get away with wasting away. For not insisting that the woman standing at his side be more than just baggage he carries around with him. And I know that that’s because he doesn’t see it that way, and that’s not what he’s feeling, but it still just seems to bother me. Then again, it would probably bother me if he did it any differently anyways.

Well, I think I’ve vented enough about that for today.