The Rantings - For Everyone

The Late-Term Ultrasound

So went for that late-term ultrasound I was talking about

As I’ve said before, I have a lot of anxiety surrounding these types of ultrasounds. Basically any late-term tests will make just about any Mom nervous, but late term ultrasounds are my particular Kryptonite. Today made me feel like all my anxieties are 100% justified…

For weeks now, we’ve been going to our prenatal appointments and being told that my weight looks good and I’m measuring right where I should be – even though I feel like I’m tiny for pregnant. Today, the first thing mentioned is that I’m measuring small, am I sure I have my dates right. I explain to them multiple times that I have measured small through all my pregnancies and that a lot of my babies were born really small. I’m also a pretty small person, so don’t get your hopes up on me having the biggest of babies! They bring it up at least two more times during this appointment…

Then, baby’s breech. Honestly came as a shock to me because I was sure she was head down. My baby’s are normally always head down. But, even though I’m still weeks away from my due date, on my 7th pregnancy and having a c-section, it should not have made them all react to the news of a breech the way they did. I felt like I had to be the calming voice of reason for a room full of professionals because everyone seemed to get real worked up over this.

Not even ten minutes into my appointments, only a few measurements in, and the doctor is coming in and pointing out a sign that reads that while they’ll tell us if they find anything, there’s still a 5% chance that our baby will be born with a problem not detected at this late stage of ultrasound. Thank goodness I am a 7th time mother and not a 1st time mother and knew this particular thing, because otherwise I’m sure it would’ve taken me back. And I understand that he’s also a doctor that deals with infertility a lot, so he would tend to put disclaimers all over the place, but I don’t think ten minutes into the appointment was the place to do it…

I told them about a hundred times that because I’m a night owl, my baby is a night owl. She was likely to not move too much or be more lethargic because it’s the day. Generally, she’s up all night kicking and rolling and moving and then is mostly quiet during the day and it’s been this way for awhile now. I tell them this over and over again, and even though she’s visibly moving on the ultrasound and kicking the radiologist, they keep talking about needing to “wake her up” and poking and prodding on my stomach like crazy people!

Even send me for a non-stress test. In which it took three of them to find the baby’s heartbeat, because instead of just once trying to put the Doppler on the part of my stomach where you could visibly see the curve of the baby’s back, they were all trying to put it where the ultrasound told them they would best pick it up. After a few minutes, I picked the damn thing up and moved it over there and instead of strapping it down, they just made me hold it there for the next thirty minutes.

And throughout the whole damn thing, I have this doctor coming in lecturing me about how I need to go to the hospital if I haven’t felt the baby move. I am literally clicking the button saying my baby is kicking, her heart rate is doing the jump and fall that kicks usually produce, the paper is literally giving the exact readout they want and I’m getting a constant stream of going to the hospital about my baby kicking. And I’m doing everything in my power not to roll my eyes and burst out in tears all at the same time..

I left, generally just raging. I kept my polite Canadian face on through the entire exit, but the moment I was out the door, The Boyfriend got to listen to a very big rant. Hate how stupid doctors can be sometimes.


So the next day, my Mom calls me on Facebook to let me know that my doctor called. She’ll be over in a few minutes so I can call her back. I call the doctor back thinking it’s probably nothing, they just want to go over the results of the ultrasound. Nope…

She asks if I can go up to the hospital to see a specialist because my amniotic fluid was quite low. All the kids had just been dropped off to go bowling and thank goodness for my Mom because she was my absolute superhero in the moment. The Boyfriend couldn’t leave work, so she worked out babysitters and re-worked the plans for the kids so that she could drop me off at the hospital.

I spent the next three hours, strapped to the stupid fetal heart rate machine waiting for the specialist to finally come and see me. It was honestly one of the biggest wastes of my time ever. Because all the specialist did was refer us to another specialist to have a more in-depth ultrasound.

I really hate how out of the loop we’ve been kept about a majority of this pregnancy. As I’m laying in the hospital bed, nurses’ station only a few feet away from me, I get to hear about how what I thought was a routine ultrasound was actually a biophysical profile – that our baby failed. That not only did they find only a small amount of amniotic fluid, they also couldn’t visualize the baby breathing (although not an entirely worrisome thing this late on, it would explain why they were all freaking out about “waking her up“). And apparently my baby’s weight has not been right on track, as I’ve been told, throughout a majority of this pregnancy!

And I was especially upset that not once did anyone give me any indication of how this problem of low amniotic fluid is dealt with. Right now, they want to do another ultrasound, that’s all I’ve been told. They’ll come up with a plan after that. From what I’ve read online and in my baby books, it’ll most likely be amnioinfusion (which sounds riskier than I’d like) or delivery (which means baby would be in the hospital for quite awhile before coming home). But I hate relying on information that I read because I know that doctors could literally do anything – even stuff that you’d never read about online. And I understand that it all changes based on the various and specific circumstances related to your particular case, but seriously… I hate being left in the dark!

What people, especially doctors, don’t realize about me is that when I was a kid, I was determined I was going to become a doctor. For fun in my youth, I used to read medical textbooks. To this day, I still get excited when reading medical literature and somehow manage to understand a ridiculously large amount of it. I enjoy medicine and am fascinated by it. I’m also far more comforted by too much medical information than too little.

I mean, here I am at the hospital strapped to this machine. I’m the only patient in this particular testing area with two nurses and a resident. We’re talking away like a bunch of gabbing teens. I even joke at one point when a janitor comes in and one of the nurses is in her way that we’re just having a slumber party in here. We’re talking mostly about medicine, kids and babies – as you do when you’re bored and stuck on the maternity ward! Nonchalantly, I ask what side the liver is on. I’m pretty sure I know the answer (left-side) but wasn’t sure. They literally had to Google it!!! These people are supposed to be trained to know things about the human body and yet they literally had to Google something as simple as basic anatomy.

It just makes you feel like there is no point in seeing doctors because they are just as freaking clueless as the rest of us. It’s all just an educated guessing game. And while I may not have been pre-med or gone to medical school, I seem to be all educated up in this particular situation. I could make just as informed of a guess as they can!

So now, tomorrow we take a two hour trip out to Calgary to do a better ultrasound with a more experienced specialist and then who knows what happens. I’m sincerely hoping that it’s not a situation where we end up having our baby in Calgary. And I’m kinda hoping that they don’t decide to just “closely monitor” this pregnancy, because I really don’t want to be going for tests constantly over the next 5-6 weeks. Especially with how much stress it all causes me. How much rage and upset it all causes me.

I guess we’ll just wait and see…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Beautiful Circle

I always think it’s so funny how much of pregnancy you forget about, even when you were only pregnant a little while ago. For most of my pregnancies, they happened shortly after a previous pregnancy. Within a year. The longest gap I’ve got is between Carter and Cazzwell, and that was 7 years.

But just two summers ago, I was struggling through my pregnancy with Cazzwell and already have forgotten how hard it can sometimes be.

I’ve spent a good solid week just in this absolute bitchy state. I can’t seem to shake this terrible feeling all throughout my body and it just brings down my mind so much. I can literally sit here seething because still yet my hip is too cramped to climb the stairs at anything faster than a snails pace or because I needed more help getting something done than it should take.

We go out grocery shopping yesterday. I had been dreading it for days, just not looking forward to doing it or putting my body through it – honestly, I haven’t wanted to leave the house at all. So, it was already a total “ugh” situation. We hit the first store and I’m doing okay at first. Then, we get to the meat aisle and all I can do is limp pathetically about the rest of the store as that pain sinks into my hip and my whole left leg starts to tingle. But it’s okay, I can push through it.

Hitting the second store was utter hell. I literally ducked out of the checkout, told The Boyfriend he’d have to do t he rest of it and sat until he was done. Made him load all the groceries into the van and made him and the kids unload it all when we got home. And I just hate when I have to have everyone around me working like little ants while I sit there in pain trying not to cry!

I always forget how hard it is to sleep during this part of the pregnancy. The part where your body is expanding and it can tell. The part where you can’t predict when you’re baby’s active hours are, so you fall asleep to them kicking the shit out of you and you wake up, multiple times a night to them kicking the shit out of you. The part where at a moments notice you could need to run to the bathroom to pee!

I got a good long sleep last night. The kids and The Boyfriend have been beyond wonderful letting me sleep in almost every morning because they all know I’m struggling. I was up in bed for hours upon hours. And yet, when Cazz crawled over me this morning ready to get up, I felt like I hadn’t even slept a wink. I just remember tossing and turning all night long.

I am finding some general comfort in the knowledge that this will most definitely be my last pregnancy. The plan as it stands is to go in and have this baby by c-section and get my tubes tied while they’ve got me opened up. Now that we know we’re having a girl, both The Boyfriend and I are officially ready to be done for good. I think, even if it weren’t a girl, I would be tapping out after this one. I don’t think my body can do this for much longer.

It’s so crazy to me to think about all the time over the last 13 years that I’ve spent pregnant or having babies. It basically equals out to 54 months in total that I’ve been pregnant – give or take a few weeks here or there. 2 out of 6 of my pregnancies have been premature to some extent, 1 pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. But all-in-all, it’s been about 54 months of pregnancy. And while 5 out of 13 years doesn’t sound like a lot, it sure does feel like a lot.

When I started my journey with pregnancies all those years ago, it was with a girl. Now that I’m ending my journey with pregnancies, it feels almost divine that I’m ending it with a girl. I also started with a c-section (although that was an unplanned emergency c-section) and am ending with a c-section (that is planned). Now, as long as nothing else is the same as it was the first time around, we’ll be all good!

I suffered with pretty bad post-partum depression with Kaeidyn. From about my 5th month of pregnancy on until she was about 6 months old. It was massively exacerbated when I was told I had the perfect nipples for breastfeeding and was really looking forward to trying it and then because of the emergency aspect of the c-section, ended up getting an infection so bad that even my breastmilk was infected. So all my hopes of breastfeeding were wiped off the table really soon after she was born, because she downright refused to drink it. All my hopes and dreams were really crushed with her – wanting to have this all-natural, vaginal labor with a healthy baby and then ending up doped up on Prozac and then epidurals and having a c-section for a baby that refused my milk. It was devastating.

I don’t want to say that it feels like the universe is giving me a second chance with this baby, because I don’t think I need a second chance. For all the hell we went through in the beginning, Kaeidyn is now a healthy and thriving teenager who does all the things you want a teenager to do. I always say “She was the first pancake and that one always comes out bad!“. So, it’s not a second chance but it kinda feels like this cathartic thing.

When The Boyfriend and I first started becoming interested in dating, I kept saying that there were “signs“, like signs from the universe that it was meant to be. I’m not normally a person who believes in these types of things because I don’t think there’s some pre-destined path we’re all supposed to be on. However, there are times in life when it feels like the universe is trying to tell you something. You have the same dream over and over again, you keep re-living some experience over and over again, things just stick out so obviously as something that has to be bigger.

It kinda feels like this pregnancy is that. I was saying in my post Must Be Pregnant, that I want to come to the decision to be done having babies all on my own. And while I have done that, it sometimes also feels like the universe is giving me all the signs. I used to always talk about the vicious circles in my life – these repetitive bad events. And now I feel like I get to have this beautiful circle moment.

fingers crossed

The Rantings - For Everyone

Must Be Pregnant

This post was written in September 2017 during the beginning of my pregnancy with Baby #7.

The Boyfriend and I basically knew we were pregnant (although hadn’t taken a test yet) and Kaeidyn was catching on. At the time, I was considering “If I’m pregnant, I’m having an abortion. And if I’m not pregnant, I’m getting my tubes tied!” but I was struggling, because I wasn’t sure that I felt that way or was making those considerations because it was what I wanted or because it was what other people wanted.


I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I think it’s mostly just because of the time of the year – weather changing, back-to-school, etc. – but it’s been resulting in me sleeping a lot, having back and stomach pain lots and just generally being in a funk.

Every time that I exhibit any of these “symptoms“, Kaeidyn goes into hardcore, “You’re pregnant!” mode. She’ll ask if I’m sick, I’ll say that I’m not feeling well, she’ll say, “Must be pregnant!” – and while she’s never been right, she always follows up with, “If you get pregnant again, I’m packing my bags and moving out!“.

And I get it! She’s sick of me having babies. Everyone is and I get it. I hear them all shouting at me, “Get your tubes tied! Screw the depression from being on the pill, get on it! Have an abortion!“. I hear it all being screamed at me and I understand where everyone else is coming from and blah blah blah!

But I couldn’t help it. Last night, after hearing almost every day for a week now that I’m pregnant and that is going to result in my 13-year-old daughter running away from home (when none of us even know at this point if I am pregnant, being that I still have a week before we can even count me as being late…), and I just snapped at her.

At first, I was like, “It just breaks my heart that that’s where you go!” and I was just going to leave it at that. But her face, in response to my words, just pissed me off. I suddenly went on a rant – “How anti-feminist of you! Forcing me to make a choice that I don’t want to make about my reproductive life!” and she didn’t seem to care about that argument – which only surprised me because she’s usually so feminist-minded on other issues.

So then I said, and even while I was saying it, I was thinking this isn’t the right argument, but then I said, “How would you feel if I would’ve aborted you when everyone was telling me to? Or any of your brothers? Should I just make all my decisions off of everyone else’s thoughts and opinions?!?“. She basically decided to end the conversation at that point and went up to her room to go to bed. It was already midnight by this point, so after her bedtime anyways.

But now I can’t get the whole thing out of my head.

It’s not that I want another baby. Like I said last night, I think my only response to finding out that I was pregnant again would be to cry for days. I don’t think I want anymore kids, even though The Boyfriend and I have long said that we would like to try for a girl. But I don’t want to end up with 17 boys just to get a girl… And honestly, I’m tired of having babies!!!

I’m ready to do something else with my life other than be pregnant. I’m ready to just raise the family I have instead of continuing to expand it. But I also don’t want the decision to be made for me by my 13-year-old daughter. I don’t want to constantly be threatened with losing her because I don’t want to get my tubes tied or I don’t want to go on birth control. And I know, I know, those aren’t the only options. I know that safe sex is important. I know that I have ways to not get pregnant and if I don’t want kids anymore, I should be using them and blah blah blah. I freaking get it!

But I want to come to the decision to use those methodologies, all on my own. I want to get to the point where I make that decision – not where I’m coerced or forced into making that decision. And it always pisses me off when other people think they should get to have a say in my life, when I’m the one who has to live it, not them.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Looking Back on 2017

It’s that time of year where everyone looks back on 2017 and looks forward to 2018. I started getting into the spirit over the last couple of days and thought it would be fun to kind of walk down memory lane (which we all know I love to do!) and reminisce on some of the best and worst moments of 2017.

It has felt like an incredibly long year! While I’m surprised we’re already in December, I’m not surprised that an entire year has gone by – because it has felt like it!!!

Here’s some of the more memorable things that happened this year.


I Returned to Blogging

After falling out of love with it over 6 months earlier, I finally returned to blogging! After giving birth to my 5th baby and doing a major redesign of ValerieRayne.com, I was finally ready to begin writing.

In 2017, I wrote a total of 90 posts bringing my total archive up to about 170 posts. I also managed to publish my 100th post! By far, the most popular post this year has been No Longer #FucketListed: An Over-the-Knee Spanking.

Speaking of No Longer #FucketListed…

Not only did I finally check an over-the-knee spanking off the list, which has been on it from the very beginning, I also checked a few other things off the list this year. It’s been exciting to explore.

I finally orgasmed everyday for an entire month, The Boyfriend and I finally had sex outdoors and we even made our own porn for the first time!

WTMFI Wednesdays Returned

Back in 2007, I ran a weekly meme on one of my old blogs called WTMFI Wednesdays. I decided in April of 2017 that I wanted to bring it back. And so the process began and in November 2017, we hosted the first session of WTMFI Wednesdays.

WTMFI Wednesdays
I have been trying hard to participate in every single session and one of my goals for 2018 is to start getting my submissions in on Wednesdays – instead of what I’m doing right now, getting them in whenever I get them done! You can check out my WTMFI Wednesdays submissions¬†here.

Celebrated My 9-Year Anniversary

The Boyfriend and I celebrated 9 years together this summer. It was pretty exciting for both of us honestly and neither of us could shut up about it. I wrote about it, I sang songs about it, we were obsessed!

Can’t imagine what 10 years might be like… ūüėČ

I Got Pregnant… Twice…

First there was the miscarriage. Cazzwell was about 5 months old when we found out that I was pregnant again. We were definitely not ready. I only quickly touched on the miscarriage in 5 Things That Happened During My Hiatus.

Then in August, we discovered that I was pregnant again. We kept this one a secret for a really long time, even though everyone had basically guessed and ultimately we were in a bit of denial ourselves. Boxing Day we finally told everyone.

So, in the Spring we are expecting to have Baby #7! We’re counting it as a pretty big milestone for a few different reasons. We plan for it to be our last baby and it’ll be The Boyfriend’s first baby girl.


All in all, it’s been a crazy eventful year.

I didn’t even talk about all the traveling we did this summer – two trips to Crescent Falls, my first time camping as an adult, and going to Edmonton to see Roger Waters in concert! Or the #EroticLimericks I wrote or all the fin-spiration I gathered in preparation to write The Mermaid (which I have plans of publishing in 2018!). Or our van and a bunch of other stuff getting stolen…

Needless to say, I’m ready for 2017 to be over and for 2018 to begin!!!

The Rantings - For Everyone

This Christmas Season

Thank goodness for The Boyfriend at Christmastime, because without him, Christmas would suck.

Multiple times this year, I threatened to cancel Christmas altogether. I didn’t shop for a single present for a single person. I didn’t wrap a single present for any of the kids. I was officially Scrooge all December and made my opinion about this stupid holiday crystal clear at every waking moment.

Having kids at Christmas really makes you hate this time of year. It’s bad enough the Christmas music, the general cheer, the constant posts arguing about which phrase is politically correct. To deal with a bunch of kids who have no religious reference for Christmas and who don’t believe in Santa, and you end up with a holiday of sheer greed.

The Boyfriend gets all giddy about gift-giving. He really does love to do it, even when it’s not Christmas, but especially when it’s Christmas. Getting toys for the boys is just about his favorite thing of the year. I think it’s because it’s the one time of year when it’s entirely socially acceptable for him to be glued to the toy aisle. And he loves toys!

But they were basically terrible all leading up to Christmas. I kept saying, “If Santa Claus was real, you’d all be on the naughty list getting lumps of coal!”, because they were all just so arrogant, cocky, rude, and misbehaved coming into the Christmas season.

On Christmas Eve, we went to celebrate with my Mom. The kids all got to open more than one present. They should’ve been ecstatic. They opened presents from Uncle first – he had heard that everyone needed pants and so got everyone pants. Every kid, “This isn’t what I wanted!”. Then, they opened presents from Grandma and at least two of them complained about it. I was quite upset at them for the rest of the night for their rudeness and lack of holiday spirit.

The Boyfriend couldn’t imagine not celebrating Christmas with the kids. Even though he kept agreeing with me that our kids didn’t deserve all of this stuff that we were doing and planning for them, he kept on buying presents and obsessing over celebrating. And so, Christmas morning we let them wake us up ridiculously early to open presents.

Luckily, this went far better than the previous present opening.

They loved their gifts. They were all polite and excited. And then once all the presents were opened and the majority of the wrapping paper cleaned up, we revealed the biggest news of the day…

Baby #7 - Coming May 2018

We’ve known for quite awhile that I was pregnant. Basically 4 weeks after it happened. Everyone had basically guessed, but we denied mostly because we were in denial. It was only in the last couple of weeks that we finally went for our first prenatal appointment and subsequent ultrasound.

So finally, after 13 years and 4 boys, we finally get our girl!!!

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It’s June Already…!!

Oh my goodness, its June already!! This year has just been whipping by. And it’s June already…!

It’s that dreaded time of the year again where we’re heading into a housing inspection. It means doing a super deep clean of every single square foot of this house. It means trying to stay motivated to get cleaning done for longer than one day, while also maintaining motivation for the five other people in the house. It means freaking out for an entire week that we aren’t doing enough, no matter how many hours we work, unnecessarily – because we’ve managed to not fail five years running.

This year seems especially unmanageable because I am pregnant and uncomfortable and it is making all the cleaning feel that much harder. Washing dishes has become the biggest pain in the butt because the counter cuts right across my massive stomach, so I hunch a lot and really upset my hips. I get tuckered out a million times quicker to the point where I have to sit at least to catch my breath and re-motivating myself after each tucker out is just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t think I’ve ever had a housing inspection while I was pregnant, and I can tell you that I absolutely do not like it!

I realized the other day that we’ve only got about thirteen weeks left until it’s baby time. Again, time is just whipping by. I feel like it was just the other day that I was stressing out about telling our parents… And now, it’s only a short time before we’ll be holding a baby in our arms. I know that over the next month or so things will slow down dramatically (as it always does in the third trimester) and I’ll be bitching about how time is now marching along at a sluggish speed, but right now, it feels like it’s going really fast.

We went for our last monthly prenatal appointment. After that one, they start happening every two weeks. Everything with baby and my health is looking great. My blood pressure was on point, all my recent tests – ultrasound, glucose screening, etc. – all came back normal, and most surprisingly to us baby is measuring exactly where he’s supposed to be. I’ve never measured accurately, always measuring at least two weeks small – even with Carter who was a normal-sized baby! Now we have one last ultrasound to schedule and then it’s just a matter of counting down!

School is already almost out! It took us all year to get Carter to like going to school and now that he finally does, it’s about to end! It’s crazy how fast the school year has gone too. Although I can honestly say that I’m looking forward to summer break. I’m looking forward to not having to do the school routine because it is probably the hardest routine we try our best, and often fail, to stick with. It’s a lot of pressure off! I’m also looking forward to doing summer stuff with the kids. I cannot wait to spend a day at the beach!

I still just can’t believe it’s June already. Time is just whipping by!

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Week of Nervous Wreckage

Long time, no write! My apologies. 

It’s been a week, to say the least. Not necessarily a good week, not necessarily a bad week. It’s been a week that has been full of emotional ups and downs. It’s been a week that has me utterly exhausted and feeling pregnant in every inch of my body. It’s been a week that I am beyond ready to have over. And it’s definitely been a week that I haven’t wanted to write about (and I’m definitely not enjoying that.. the not wanting to write thing…).

We’ll start at the beginning, Monday. We had our second ultrasound to go to and we were all very excited. The older three kids were hoping to come along, but they ended up getting stuck out at their Dad’s for the day. Carter came with The Boyfriend and I. They waited out in the waiting room while I traveled back with the technician. It was a long ultrasound and after about forty-five minutes, she asked if we could do an internal ultrasound so that she could “check my cervix“. Another fifteen minutes passed and the official exam was over.

The technician helped me wipe up the cooled gel and told me I could go get The Boyfriend and she was just going to go talk to the doctor. It all started adding up in my head:¬†super long ultrasound + external & internal ultrasound + talking to the doctor = something’s not quite right.¬†I felt like a nervous wreck by the time I got to The Boyfriend and I grabbed his hand and whispered to him, “Something’s up…“. We went back into the room and I told him all the things I just told you and then we had to wait another fifteen minutes for the technician to get back, with no word about anything that had just happened.

Even though we had seen that our technician got beautiful pictures of our baby’s face, during the actual showing-to-us part of the exam, she seemed to be focused on the legs and the “cute” feet. Carter quickly lost interest in what was on the screen and The Boyfriend and I giggled and held hands tightly. She asked if we wanted to know the sex and we both enthusiastically said yes and we were told we’re having a boy – not exactly the news we were hoping for (especially the older three kids), but we’re happy nonetheless.

Baby #5 - It's a Boy - April 2016
Baby #5 – It’s a Boy – April 2016

We left and I¬†bitched to The Boyfriend about the whole thing and we went and picked up the kids and all was good. Two days later, I got a call from my doctor’s office saying that they wanted me to come in early to discuss the results of my ultrasound. The nurse says to me, “It’s important you don’t panic“. I hang up the phone after booking my appointment and immediately burst into tears thinking the absolute worst things possible. Those words, “It’s important you don’t panic“, had me panicking more as I worried “Is it important I don’t panic because it could cause harm to me or the baby or is important I don’t panic because there’s nothing to panic about?!?” and I had a good forty minutes of absolute nervous wreckage!

So then, I whip out all my pregnancy books that I’ve accumulated over the years and spend the rest of the night searching up anything dealing with ultrasounds and cervixes. Had myself almost entirely convinced that I probably had an incompetent cervix and why were my doctors dealing with it so stupidly. I was greatly relieved when we went to our appointment and found out that that was not the issue at all.

Most babies umbilical cords have 3 vessels. In approximately 1% of pregnancies there are only 2 vessels. We are the 1%. 

At this point, we are not worrying about these results. We’re waiting to hear from the perinatologist to book a more in-depth ultrasound that will tell us whether or not there is anything to worry about. In 75% of pregnancies with a 2-vessel cord, the baby is born normal and healthy and fine, and at this present moment, there is nothing to indicate that we wouldn’t be in that 75%. And if we’re not, we’ll deal with that when we know for sure! After a drive out to Calgary, an even longer ultrasound and then a wait until our next prenatal appointment…

The kids have been a handful and a half, especially during the weekend when they were home and full of energy on the cold and rainy days we had. None of them are getting along very well at all right now and it is driving the parents batty. Carter and Kaeidyn are always at each other’s throats and his favorite thing to say to her is “Enough!“, which seriously pisses her off. Really, I suppose, it’s Carter not getting along with anybody else and they all constantly want to have space from him and he just really doesn’t like that.

Today was Kenzie’s birthday and we also got a new-to-us couch. We’ve been saying for months now, maybe even years, that we needed to get rid of our junk furniture and get new stuff and today we made the first huge strides. Finally threw out my broken and ratty lamp and got The Boyfriend to get a new one. Finally moved two couches that were super wrecked out of the living room and moved the new couch in, which resulted in us having to push everything else in the living room over to the right by about a foot. We plan to actually take all the junk furniture to the dump tomorrow, but after all the work we did today, I seriously needed a rest.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since the kids went to bed. My feet are up and I’ve been laying out for at least an hour now in hopes that the spasm in my hip will go away and the baby will stop pushing on me uncomfortably. The Boyfriend has been taking super good care of me so that I can relax after working so hard today and for that I am super grateful. It’s a good end to a full day!

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Beautiful Weekend

The weather has been beyond beautiful. So beautiful that you want to spend every single moment of the day outside. We went from being in the negatives to being double digits into the positive and it has made me one heck of a happy girl.

Yesterday, The Boyfriend came home from work and informed me that, unbeknownst to me, he had booked his holidays and they started right then and there. I thought we still had months to go, so it was a wonderful surprise. Then he decided that he wanted to go spend money that was burning a hole in his pocket, so he called and booked appointments for Kaeidyn and I to get our hair cut.

I had added this particular task to my to-do list many months ago. I hadn’t gotten my haircut in about 8 years and it was unhealthy and ridiculously long. Kaeidyn and I both picked pixie cuts but with a completely different style. It was so much fun to watch her go from long hair to short hair. I thought I was going to cry so hard, since I did the last time I got my haircut, but I dealt with it pretty well and was quite excited when it was finally done.¬†It’s the shortest I’ve had my hair since the last time I shaved my head.

We even went to a couple music shops around town and checked out the guitars and drums and violins and pianos and the kids were so well behaved during the entire outing – which was a good 5 or 6 hours long. When we got home, I was still wanting to be outside, so I took some of the kids to the park for a little bit. It was pretty windy out, so we didn’t stay long, but it was a good walk and everyone enjoyed it.

Today, the sun was shining bright early this morning. It made me immediately want to get up and move. We had also promised the boys that we would take them shopping today and had said that we had hoped to go to Rotary Park – probably our most favorite park in the whole city. Although it took us a little bit to get up and going, we did exactly that. First, we went and enjoyed the sunshine down at Rotary. Keirnan and Kenzie spent their whole time on the monkey bars and Kaeidyn spent almost all of hers on the swings, Carter was the only kid to really explore the park. Then, we walked up the big long staircase. It was hell on my knees and by the top, I was heaving for air.

Afterwards, we went to Wal-Mart and the kids all got little things – toys for the boys and CD’s for Kaeidyn. I was hoping to find a pair of pants or running shoes – since pregnancy has made me need both! – but they didn’t have a single thing I liked. I even looked for a dress or a skirt, but had absolutely no luck. Oh well, maybe next time…

Now I think the next couple of days will be solely dedicated to getting the house clean. The Boyfriend was amazing and got the kids to help him clean the living room this morning and Kaeidyn’s been doing a bunch of laundry, but the kitchen and our room is in desperate need of a good deep clean. And being that The Boyfriend’s on holidays, I see no problems in getting in done.

My last prenatal appointment went really well and everything’s looking normal and fine. We’re impatiently awaiting our next ultrasound in about 2 weeks and crossing our fingers that we’ll get a girl gender reveal. Then, it’s time for the dreaded Glucose Screening Test, which I’ve hated doing every single pregnancy – this time is no exception. The juice-y/pop/syrup stuff makes my head feel gross, and I hate gross-head. Looking forward to everything coming back normal on that.

One last thing, if you haven’t noticed, “The Erotica” category is now gone and has been replaced with “The Writing” category. I decided that I didn’t want to limit myself to only writing erotica – what if I ended up deciding to write something without sex or sexuality in it? – so the name was changed. You’ll still find my erotica there, but you’ll also find other stuff too.

The Rantings - For Everyone

The One from Six Months Ago…

Sometimes, I write posts that I don’t publish for one reason or another – ultimately because I’m not comfortable sharing whatever publicly or with anyone other than myself. About five or six months ago, I wrote this post and saved it because I wanted to remember those mixed feelings we were having – but I didn’t want to say anything that made it sound like I wanted to be pregnant again.

Now that I am pregnant again, it’s interesting to remember¬†this time in our lives when we thought we couldn’t get pregnant and to remember the fear we felt about another pregnancy. It’s interesting to have those mixed feelings, without the “What If?”. It’s amazing how much happens in a half a year.


I got to play guitar this past weekend. It’s been WAY too long!

Although I haven’t owned a guitar since Kaeidyn was in Kindergarten, I have had access to one anytime I go down to my Mom’s. And even though I’ve strummed it a few times over the last year, I haven’t really played in a good long while. Often I get hung up in how long it’s been and then I’m super self-critical and put the thing down before anything begins.

But, when I was handed the guitar by Mom’s boyfriend (who always hands me the guitar), I felt a little giddy and played around happily. I even sang after a while and enjoyed a good 5 or 6 song long streak, which just hasn’t happened in a while. And even though my fingers burned and my voice quivered, I had a lot of fun, which I wasn’t expecting.

In other news, my period is late. This year has been a menses mess! I’ve been using a period tracker for about two years now (give or take). No matter what, this thing can’t seem to figure me out at all. It doesn’t help that my period is all over the place and can’t figure anything out either… From periods that are lasting way longer and being a lot more painful to multiple months of lateness, it’s just getting exhausting. You’ll never hear anyone wish for menopause as much as I am right now.

The worst part about continually being late, and of course, it’s not continual, it’s sporadic. So, the worst part about being sporadically late, is that every single time it happens, I go through the mixed emotions of “What if I’m pregnant?”. I mean, I haven’t been pregnant yet. As far as The Boyfriend and I are concerned, I can’t get pregnant because if I could, it would’ve happened sometime in the last six years. But it hasn’t. And yet, every single time my period is late, it’s the first thing that pops into my head.

Last time this happened, probably about three months ago, when my period decided to be an entire month late, I was convinced I was pregnant and I was not happy about it. I was devastated and worried and freaking out about the whole situation. The Boyfriend was calm and relaxed and said, “It wouldn’t be the worst thing”, and I was heavily relieved when the test came back negative.

This time around, The Boyfriend had convinced me to wait until his next days off, because he was sure my period would start by then. The day rolled around, today, and still nothing. I have been freaking out for two freaking weeks, because on one hand, I really want to pregnant again. It’s been six years, all our kids are growing up, there would be no better time than now – we’re stable, we’re sane, we’re responsible, we’re doing great in almost all respects – never before have I given life to a child in better conditions than these. Part of me was excited about the prospect of babies and diapers and breastfeeding again. On the other hand, it’s no fun at all bringing a human into the world when no one is excited about it, and I’ve done that a lot…So, I was struggling with the unknown.

So, when he brought home the test, I was pretending to not care at all, but secretly I was hoping that it would come back positive. I was deterred when The Boyfriend made it sound like he was no longer comfortable with the idea and when I went to take the test, I was full of thoughts on the idea of it. And I was taken aback at my immediate anger when the test sat for two minutes and still read negative.

I hate that my period keeps getting my hopes up. I spend much longer than is necessary in a state of doubt and questioning. And then to find out, it’s all for naught and I just wasted $12 – well, it’s incredibly infuriating. It’s especially anger inducing when you’ve spent all this time debating the pros and cons and you’ve spent the last two weeks dreading this day and then it turns out that all your worries are misplaced.

I always enjoyed being pregnant, even when it was insanely hard. I loved it even when it was literally driving me insane. I loved giving birth, even when it never seemed to work out the way I had wanted it to Р a c-section when I wanted a natural birth, a VBAC when I wanted a c-section, a preemie and standing up in the bathroom! I loved, beyond belief, raising these beautiful little babies through toddlerhood and their first years of school, even when I felt used up, exhausted and completely overwhelmed. And as it stands right now, I am loving, beyond belief, experiencing this time with these amazing little humans.

I can’t get over how crushed I am about the negative test, especially as more days march on without any sign of blood.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Introducing Baby #5

I can’t believe that I haven’t written anything in such a long time. I kept meaning to and then everything kept getting in the way of it. First was a terrible start to the New Year with a lot of arguments and upset. I spent the first three days of January in tears. Then, I ended up being sick for a few weeks and my butt was being thoroughly kicked. Then, I found out some news that I wasn’t expecting and have only now started to end my total denial.

I kept asking, the whole three weeks that I was beyond sick, “Why is no one else getting sick?“. Usually colds or flus in our house go through each member of the family like clockwork. One person get sick and then the next one and then the next one, until it’s touched each and every one of us. But no one else was getting sick, just me. I was convinced that I was dying of some horrible disease and I was terrified of going to the doctor to find out that I was dying.

A friend of mine messaged me one night, concerned that I was still sick after so long. Together, we went hunting around the internet to find out what was wrong. At the time, my symptoms included severe breast pain and constant nausea. The only things we could find that fit my symptoms were either PMS or pregnancy. After a long conversation, I finally gave in and asked The Boyfriend to bring home a pregnancy test.

I honestly did not think that I was pregnant, at all. Over the last six years, we’ve had many “scares”. And every time, I get the pregnancy test and it comes back negative and the next day, my period starts. I just assumed that that would happen again. As the lines for positive popped up before I had even finished, I began to shake and sweat. It was not what I was expecting.

Telling The Boyfriend was fun. He was sleeping and I went up immediately and woke him up. He rolled over and smiled at me like he always does and I said, “So, you ready for baby #5?” and he took a few minutes to realize that we only had four kids, so obviously that must mean she’s pregnant. A huge smile spread across his face and stayed there for easily a week. He’s been entirely excited by the whole thing.

We told all our family that same day. His Mom and Sister were first, because we knew we’d get nothing but support from them. Then, we told my Mom and her reaction was exactly what I had expected it to be. I knew that his side of the family would be happy – for him, it’s only really his second child. My family, on the other hand, thinks I should’ve gotten my tubes tied years ago. Plus, my Mom always starts out disappointed and then quickly comes around to being my biggest supporter.

We went for our first prenatal appointment. My blood pressure was pretty high, so the doctor asked if I could check my blood pressure over the next two weeks and then come back in for another appointment. We were hoping it would give some clear answer as to whether or not I should be medicated for high blood pressure at this point, but it didn’t. So, now we’re ordering a 24-hour blood pressure monitor to get a more accurate picture of what’s going on.

We also got to go for our first ultrasound. It was such a fast experience but The Boyfriend and I were ecstatic to get to see the baby and it was even more exciting to come home and show the other kids, who are all incredibly excited about having a baby in the house. Everyone but Carter is hoping that it will be a girl, because we have enough boys!

This week, we go for blood tests and then next week is our second prenatal appointment. I keep saying that it feels like doing it all for the first time – even though I’ve been pregnant four times before this. It’s interesting to see how much has changed for pregnant people in the last six years. At first, the uncertainty of it all really terrified me, but now I’m embracing it a little more and feeling a bit more comfortable.

It’s going to be so strange to have a baby around after so long of not having babies around…