#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #11 – Your Body


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Can you remember a time when you really loved your body?

I often love my body, so I can remember lots of times. It’s not the best body and it’s not a super healthy body, but it’s a body that has lived and survived through a lot. A lot of times when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the weight I’ve gained or the marks and scars, I see the life I’ve lived. Obviously, it’s not always like this (see question 2), but more often than not, for at least the last few years, it’s more of an appreciation.

Most of the times when I can vividly remember loving my body and my appearance come from dancing. When I’m dancing and really enjoying myself, there is literally nothing you could say to make me feel like I’m not the most gorgeous person ever!

Question 2:
Can you remember a time when you really hated your body?

I’ve gone through various points in my life where I really just couldn’t stand my body.

When I was a younger kid, I was ridiculously skinny. I just couldn’t gain weight no matter what I did. And I got picked on a lot about it – lots of anorexia accusations, even though they would literally watch me eat huge meals. I was obsessed with the idea of exercising because “muscle weighs more than fat” and maybe if I had some muscles, I wouldn’t be so skinny. I absolutely refused to wear anything that showed off my upper thigh because you could see my bright blue veins and that was horrifying to me!

Then, awhile after Kaeidyn was born – a bad spout of post-partum depression and an intensively abusive relationship – I started to put back on the baby weight that I had begun to lose. Alfie had taken to calling me fat and lazy, which happens when you’re sleeping all day and waking up just long enough to nibble on junk food, and while none of that really affected my body positivity while Alfie and I were together it did end up playing into things later with The Boyfriend and I.

I would write posts about how bad my insecurities had gotten and how much my negative body image was negatively affecting my life. It was a rough time that is often a great way to remind myself that I don’t need to have these issues. They are a waste of time.

Question 3:
Do you think your body is a healthy body? How does that answer make you feel?

I definitely don’t feel like my body is a healthy body. My body is a just barely sustained vessel.

I don’t eat properly. I don’t exercise. In terms of nutrient intake, I’m lacking in just about everything you can think of. In terms of amount of food, I normally eat one small meal a day and a snack or two before bed – the bulk of my eating happening in the late hours of the night. I haven’t had a drink of just plain water volunatarily in years – the last time was at the doctors and I complained the whole time. I tend to sit in front of my computer in my spot on the couch for almost all of my waking hours. I stretch because my body is sore, but other than that, dishes and dinner is the most exercise I’m getting in a day. So, I don’t take very good care of my body.

Health-wise, I’m not terribly bad off. I don’t really have any health issues that we know about. When I do have health issues, they are normally related to a pregnancy or in the case of the year-long period, trying to stop pregnancy.

Sometimes, I’m really down about my unhealthy body, especially if it’s failed me a lot. The last job I had, I complained almost everyday when at the end of the day I would come home and be completely confined to a chair complaining. I can’t stand when my lack of health is laughing in my face. Most days, I just don’t think about it.

Question 4:
Has your body ever failed you? Not worked the way you wanted it to?

My body fails me almost on the daily! It has been that way for many years now. I often say that “I’m only in my 30’s, why do I feel like I’m in my 90’s?“. My body often aches – from bones to muscles – I have pain in my knees, my hips, my back, my neck. I once had joint pain so bad in my knees and hands that my doctor thought I might have rheumatoid arthritis, although nothing ever happened with any of that and now my knees are the only bothersome issue.

I’ve had to stop mid-sex to un-cramp a cramped muscle. I’ve had to stop and stand completely still because something is stiff. I’ve had to use my furniture in interesting ways to support my sore body. I’ve had to take baths in the middle of the night and keep The Boyfriend up late to relax spasms. My body fails me a lot…

Question 5:
Would you say that you have a negative body image or a positive body image?

I have a meh body image.

Some days I’m all, “Damn, I’m sexy!” and nothing you could say, no mirror could change my mind. Other days I’m all, “Frumpy and dumpy is the style today” and every mirror gets a cringe and if you were to say I looked pregnant when I wasn’t, I would fume for three days!

But most of the time, I don’t really care or think about it. If I’m comfortable that’s all that matters. I don’t care about out-of-place hairs or shirts that show off my belly. It just isn’t on my mind, my body.

BONUS:
What is your favorite thing about your body? Least favorite?

My favorite things about my body are definitely my boobs and my lips. I love the little dip in my lips and the shape of my breasts. My least favorite thing about my body is definitely my ass – it’s always been my most hated. When I was younger, it was too flat. Now, it’s too… I don’t even know. Just not how I want it to look!


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The Rantings - For Everyone

Beautiful Circle

I always think it’s so funny how much of pregnancy you forget about, even when you were only pregnant a little while ago. For most of my pregnancies, they happened shortly after a previous pregnancy. Within a year. The longest gap I’ve got is between Carter and Cazzwell, and that was 7 years.

But just two summers ago, I was struggling through my pregnancy with Cazzwell and already have forgotten how hard it can sometimes be.

I’ve spent a good solid week just in this absolute bitchy state. I can’t seem to shake this terrible feeling all throughout my body and it just brings down my mind so much. I can literally sit here seething because still yet my hip is too cramped to climb the stairs at anything faster than a snails pace or because I needed more help getting something done than it should take.

We go out grocery shopping yesterday. I had been dreading it for days, just not looking forward to doing it or putting my body through it – honestly, I haven’t wanted to leave the house at all. So, it was already a total “ugh” situation. We hit the first store and I’m doing okay at first. Then, we get to the meat aisle and all I can do is limp pathetically about the rest of the store as that pain sinks into my hip and my whole left leg starts to tingle. But it’s okay, I can push through it.

Hitting the second store was utter hell. I literally ducked out of the checkout, told The Boyfriend he’d have to do t he rest of it and sat until he was done. Made him load all the groceries into the van and made him and the kids unload it all when we got home. And I just hate when I have to have everyone around me working like little ants while I sit there in pain trying not to cry!

I always forget how hard it is to sleep during this part of the pregnancy. The part where your body is expanding and it can tell. The part where you can’t predict when you’re baby’s active hours are, so you fall asleep to them kicking the shit out of you and you wake up, multiple times a night to them kicking the shit out of you. The part where at a moments notice you could need to run to the bathroom to pee!

I got a good long sleep last night. The kids and The Boyfriend have been beyond wonderful letting me sleep in almost every morning because they all know I’m struggling. I was up in bed for hours upon hours. And yet, when Cazz crawled over me this morning ready to get up, I felt like I hadn’t even slept a wink. I just remember tossing and turning all night long.

I am finding some general comfort in the knowledge that this will most definitely be my last pregnancy. The plan as it stands is to go in and have this baby by c-section and get my tubes tied while they’ve got me opened up. Now that we know we’re having a girl, both The Boyfriend and I are officially ready to be done for good. I think, even if it weren’t a girl, I would be tapping out after this one. I don’t think my body can do this for much longer.

It’s so crazy to me to think about all the time over the last 13 years that I’ve spent pregnant or having babies. It basically equals out to 54 months in total that I’ve been pregnant – give or take a few weeks here or there. 2 out of 6 of my pregnancies have been premature to some extent, 1 pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. But all-in-all, it’s been about 54 months of pregnancy. And while 5 out of 13 years doesn’t sound like a lot, it sure does feel like a lot.

When I started my journey with pregnancies all those years ago, it was with a girl. Now that I’m ending my journey with pregnancies, it feels almost divine that I’m ending it with a girl. I also started with a c-section (although that was an unplanned emergency c-section) and am ending with a c-section (that is planned). Now, as long as nothing else is the same as it was the first time around, we’ll be all good!

I suffered with pretty bad post-partum depression with Kaeidyn. From about my 5th month of pregnancy on until she was about 6 months old. It was massively exacerbated when I was told I had the perfect nipples for breastfeeding and was really looking forward to trying it and then because of the emergency aspect of the c-section, ended up getting an infection so bad that even my breastmilk was infected. So all my hopes of breastfeeding were wiped off the table really soon after she was born, because she downright refused to drink it. All my hopes and dreams were really crushed with her – wanting to have this all-natural, vaginal labor with a healthy baby and then ending up doped up on Prozac and then epidurals and having a c-section for a baby that refused my milk. It was devastating.

I don’t want to say that it feels like the universe is giving me a second chance with this baby, because I don’t think I need a second chance. For all the hell we went through in the beginning, Kaeidyn is now a healthy and thriving teenager who does all the things you want a teenager to do. I always say “She was the first pancake and that one always comes out bad!“. So, it’s not a second chance but it kinda feels like this cathartic thing.

When The Boyfriend and I first started becoming interested in dating, I kept saying that there were “signs“, like signs from the universe that it was meant to be. I’m not normally a person who believes in these types of things because I don’t think there’s some pre-destined path we’re all supposed to be on. However, there are times in life when it feels like the universe is trying to tell you something. You have the same dream over and over again, you keep re-living some experience over and over again, things just stick out so obviously as something that has to be bigger.

It kinda feels like this pregnancy is that. I was saying in my post Must Be Pregnant, that I want to come to the decision to be done having babies all on my own. And while I have done that, it sometimes also feels like the universe is giving me all the signs. I used to always talk about the vicious circles in my life – these repetitive bad events. And now I feel like I get to have this beautiful circle moment.

fingers crossed

The Rantings - For Everyone

Must Be Pregnant

This post was written in September 2017 during the beginning of my pregnancy with Baby #7.

The Boyfriend and I basically knew we were pregnant (although hadn’t taken a test yet) and Kaeidyn was catching on. At the time, I was considering “If I’m pregnant, I’m having an abortion. And if I’m not pregnant, I’m getting my tubes tied!” but I was struggling, because I wasn’t sure that I felt that way or was making those considerations because it was what I wanted or because it was what other people wanted.


I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I think it’s mostly just because of the time of the year – weather changing, back-to-school, etc. – but it’s been resulting in me sleeping a lot, having back and stomach pain lots and just generally being in a funk.

Every time that I exhibit any of these “symptoms“, Kaeidyn goes into hardcore, “You’re pregnant!” mode. She’ll ask if I’m sick, I’ll say that I’m not feeling well, she’ll say, “Must be pregnant!” – and while she’s never been right, she always follows up with, “If you get pregnant again, I’m packing my bags and moving out!“.

And I get it! She’s sick of me having babies. Everyone is and I get it. I hear them all shouting at me, “Get your tubes tied! Screw the depression from being on the pill, get on it! Have an abortion!“. I hear it all being screamed at me and I understand where everyone else is coming from and blah blah blah!

But I couldn’t help it. Last night, after hearing almost every day for a week now that I’m pregnant and that is going to result in my 13-year-old daughter running away from home (when none of us even know at this point if I am pregnant, being that I still have a week before we can even count me as being late…), and I just snapped at her.

At first, I was like, “It just breaks my heart that that’s where you go!” and I was just going to leave it at that. But her face, in response to my words, just pissed me off. I suddenly went on a rant – “How anti-feminist of you! Forcing me to make a choice that I don’t want to make about my reproductive life!” and she didn’t seem to care about that argument – which only surprised me because she’s usually so feminist-minded on other issues.

So then I said, and even while I was saying it, I was thinking this isn’t the right argument, but then I said, “How would you feel if I would’ve aborted you when everyone was telling me to? Or any of your brothers? Should I just make all my decisions off of everyone else’s thoughts and opinions?!?“. She basically decided to end the conversation at that point and went up to her room to go to bed. It was already midnight by this point, so after her bedtime anyways.

But now I can’t get the whole thing out of my head.

It’s not that I want another baby. Like I said last night, I think my only response to finding out that I was pregnant again would be to cry for days. I don’t think I want anymore kids, even though The Boyfriend and I have long said that we would like to try for a girl. But I don’t want to end up with 17 boys just to get a girl… And honestly, I’m tired of having babies!!!

I’m ready to do something else with my life other than be pregnant. I’m ready to just raise the family I have instead of continuing to expand it. But I also don’t want the decision to be made for me by my 13-year-old daughter. I don’t want to constantly be threatened with losing her because I don’t want to get my tubes tied or I don’t want to go on birth control. And I know, I know, those aren’t the only options. I know that safe sex is important. I know that I have ways to not get pregnant and if I don’t want kids anymore, I should be using them and blah blah blah. I freaking get it!

But I want to come to the decision to use those methodologies, all on my own. I want to get to the point where I make that decision – not where I’m coerced or forced into making that decision. And it always pisses me off when other people think they should get to have a say in my life, when I’m the one who has to live it, not them.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Looking Back on 2017

It’s that time of year where everyone looks back on 2017 and looks forward to 2018. I started getting into the spirit over the last couple of days and thought it would be fun to kind of walk down memory lane (which we all know I love to do!) and reminisce on some of the best and worst moments of 2017.

It has felt like an incredibly long year! While I’m surprised we’re already in December, I’m not surprised that an entire year has gone by – because it has felt like it!!!

Here’s some of the more memorable things that happened this year.


I Returned to Blogging

After falling out of love with it over 6 months earlier, I finally returned to blogging! After giving birth to my 5th baby and doing a major redesign of ValerieRayne.com, I was finally ready to begin writing.

In 2017, I wrote a total of 90 posts bringing my total archive up to about 170 posts. I also managed to publish my 100th post! By far, the most popular post this year has been No Longer #FucketListed: An Over-the-Knee Spanking.

Speaking of No Longer #FucketListed…

Not only did I finally check an over-the-knee spanking off the list, which has been on it from the very beginning, I also checked a few other things off the list this year. It’s been exciting to explore.

I finally orgasmed everyday for an entire month, The Boyfriend and I finally had sex outdoors and we even made our own porn for the first time!

WTMFI Wednesdays Returned

Back in 2007, I ran a weekly meme on one of my old blogs called WTMFI Wednesdays. I decided in April of 2017 that I wanted to bring it back. And so the process began and in November 2017, we hosted the first session of WTMFI Wednesdays.

WTMFI Wednesdays
I have been trying hard to participate in every single session and one of my goals for 2018 is to start getting my submissions in on Wednesdays – instead of what I’m doing right now, getting them in whenever I get them done! You can check out my WTMFI Wednesdays submissions here.

Celebrated My 9-Year Anniversary

The Boyfriend and I celebrated 9 years together this summer. It was pretty exciting for both of us honestly and neither of us could shut up about it. I wrote about it, I sang songs about it, we were obsessed!

Can’t imagine what 10 years might be like… 😉

I Got Pregnant… Twice…

First there was the miscarriage. Cazzwell was about 5 months old when we found out that I was pregnant again. We were definitely not ready. I only quickly touched on the miscarriage in 5 Things That Happened During My Hiatus.

Then in August, we discovered that I was pregnant again. We kept this one a secret for a really long time, even though everyone had basically guessed and ultimately we were in a bit of denial ourselves. Boxing Day we finally told everyone.

So, in the Spring we are expecting to have Baby #7! We’re counting it as a pretty big milestone for a few different reasons. We plan for it to be our last baby and it’ll be The Boyfriend’s first baby girl.


All in all, it’s been a crazy eventful year.

I didn’t even talk about all the traveling we did this summer – two trips to Crescent Falls, my first time camping as an adult, and going to Edmonton to see Roger Waters in concert! Or the #EroticLimericks I wrote or all the fin-spiration I gathered in preparation to write The Mermaid (which I have plans of publishing in 2018!). Or our van and a bunch of other stuff getting stolen…

Needless to say, I’m ready for 2017 to be over and for 2018 to begin!!!

The Rantings - For Everyone

This Christmas Season

Thank goodness for The Boyfriend at Christmastime, because without him, Christmas would suck.

Multiple times this year, I threatened to cancel Christmas altogether. I didn’t shop for a single present for a single person. I didn’t wrap a single present for any of the kids. I was officially Scrooge all December and made my opinion about this stupid holiday crystal clear at every waking moment.

Having kids at Christmas really makes you hate this time of year. It’s bad enough the Christmas music, the general cheer, the constant posts arguing about which phrase is politically correct. To deal with a bunch of kids who have no religious reference for Christmas and who don’t believe in Santa, and you end up with a holiday of sheer greed.

The Boyfriend gets all giddy about gift-giving. He really does love to do it, even when it’s not Christmas, but especially when it’s Christmas. Getting toys for the boys is just about his favorite thing of the year. I think it’s because it’s the one time of year when it’s entirely socially acceptable for him to be glued to the toy aisle. And he loves toys!

But they were basically terrible all leading up to Christmas. I kept saying, “If Santa Claus was real, you’d all be on the naughty list getting lumps of coal!”, because they were all just so arrogant, cocky, rude, and misbehaved coming into the Christmas season.

On Christmas Eve, we went to celebrate with my Mom. The kids all got to open more than one present. They should’ve been ecstatic. They opened presents from Uncle first – he had heard that everyone needed pants and so got everyone pants. Every kid, “This isn’t what I wanted!”. Then, they opened presents from Grandma and at least two of them complained about it. I was quite upset at them for the rest of the night for their rudeness and lack of holiday spirit.

The Boyfriend couldn’t imagine not celebrating Christmas with the kids. Even though he kept agreeing with me that our kids didn’t deserve all of this stuff that we were doing and planning for them, he kept on buying presents and obsessing over celebrating. And so, Christmas morning we let them wake us up ridiculously early to open presents.

Luckily, this went far better than the previous present opening.

They loved their gifts. They were all polite and excited. And then once all the presents were opened and the majority of the wrapping paper cleaned up, we revealed the biggest news of the day…

Baby #7 - Coming May 2018

We’ve known for quite awhile that I was pregnant. Basically 4 weeks after it happened. Everyone had basically guessed, but we denied mostly because we were in denial. It was only in the last couple of weeks that we finally went for our first prenatal appointment and subsequent ultrasound.

So finally, after 13 years and 4 boys, we finally get our girl!!!

The Rantings - For Everyone

5 Things That Happened During My Hiatus

My hiatus officially began in the fall of 2016 and by Christmas, I had shut down my blog and turned its maintenance feature on. I went silent on social networks for awhile and allowed The Erotic Writers Group (which at the time had about 750 members and of which I am the sole moderator) to run itself. I explained the reasons why in the post Welcome Back… Finally!!!, so today I wanted to tell you about 5 relatively major life events that happened during my hiatus.

  1. Cazzwell’s Birth

    We had hoped it wouldn’t happen in September and he heard us and came on the last day of August. I woke up from contractions in the late afternoon. Kaeidyn insisted we wake The Boyfriend up and he insisted we go straight to the hospital the moment he saw my face.

    In what was called a “precipitous labor” (which Google has informed me means a labor that takes less than 3 hours from start to finish), we welcomed Cazzwell into the world. The first few weeks were an adjustment to say the least. He took awhile getting back up to his birth weight, so there were more doctors visits and home visits than we had been anticipating, which made things more stressful. The kids all wanted to be such big help but hadn’t had much experience with newborns, so lots of heart stopping moments. And, there was a new baby in our house for the first time seven years… So, there was that…

    In the last almost 6 months, he’s grown exceptionally fast. Sprouted his first tooth at 4 months, he sits up all by himself and now he’s figuring out crawling – already up on the hands and knees, kinda rocks himself and then falls forward onto his belly. You’d be amazed at how far across a room he can make it like that! Everywhere we go, all anyone can talk about is how quickly he’s growing up.

  2. I Turned 30

    The best thing about turning 30 was definitely The Boyfriend! After the kids broke my last laptop, he went out and got me a new one. Then, spent the day making me feel like his sexy older woman, because that’s a thing now until he turns 30 (very soon – muwhahaha!). The kids were all sweet before school, waking me up with Happy Birthdays but after school, they were their normal usual bratty selves.

    I had made a lot of plans for things that I wanted to have done in my life by the time I was 30. I wanted to be married – even telling The Boyfriend that if he hadn’t married me by the time I was 30, it wasn’t going to happen. I wanted to have a career and be on my way to owning a home and have my driver’s licence and know where my g-spot is…

    Alas, that was not what coming into 30 has been like, at all. I’m still only common-law and at this point probably always will be. I’m jobless in a rented townhouse being driven around by my much-more-amazing-than-I-deserve boyfriend and I still orgasm from clitoral stimulation only! I honestly thought I would be a lot more upset about it. And I was, on the 13th day of November, devastated. But then, when I woke up the next day, I was washed in gratitude and so far, that is what 30 has been for me. Everyday, I look at what life has given and is giving me and I am just so grateful!

  3. Got a Guitar

    I posted on Facebook that I missed having a guitar. I do it every time I’m without a guitar for any length of time. One of my maternal aunts, who I sadly never talk to anymore, commented asking when I’d be home. A day or two later, she brought over a guitar.

    It’s nothing crazy special and she’s not super amazing, but holding a guitar in my hands again feels really good! I’ve been doing terribly at playing her and am saddened when I think about how much time she spends put away. But it’s been a long time since I’ve played and so often times, it feels like I’m having to relearn everything I already know or like I just absolutely suck. And sometimes, I can have fun in that place where I’m sucking and just go with it and smile, but other times, it just makes me not want to play for a while.

    Plus, none of the people in my house seem to have any respect for a guitar session!! I can play through a lot of things, but lately, it has been exceptionally hard to play through my family.

    From The Boyfriend, who not only doesn’t listen to me play at all (which always bothers me a little bit) but also has to leave the volume up just enough on his games to be completely distracting, to the older children who decide that the moment I start playing is the moment to ask me questions and tell me every detail about whatever game it is they are playing (or in the case of Kaeidyn, which anime she’s watching…) to the baby who apparently isn’t very fond of guitar (or maybe it’s the guitar over top of all the other noises) because I have only had one session so far that wasn’t interrupted by a total tantrum.

  4. Almost Baby #6

    Sometime near the middle of January, we discovered that we were pregnant again. Definitely not what we had wanted or were expecting. I was literally shaking and sweating as I took the second test, because we didn’t trust the first one. We waited a week until we told his sister and mom and then we told the kids. Kaeidyn literally broke down in tears and told us we “can’t have anymore kids!” and only Carter seemed excited. We didn’t tell my mom until…

    Two weeks later, I had a day of some pretty intense cramps and some bleeding and about a week after that, I – as the doctors put it – “expelled the tissue”. I cried hard, really hard. Harder than I had expected to. Not because I was upset that I had lost the baby. That I was mostly relieved by because I don’t feel ready to have a Baby #6. I was upset because I had miscarried. Because I had had to feel it and experience it. Because I couldn’t maintain a life. Because, yet again, I had failed.

    Ultimately, I haven’t been all that affected by it. I spent a few days in a constantly-near-tears state and The Boyfriend was there every time to hold me tight and I came to terms with it relatively easily. Again, not expecting that. I was just saying to The Boyfriend today that I’m glad we weren’t trying, because we aren’t entirely devastated over it. I think if we were trying or even if it was like the other kids where we weren’t necessarily trying but we weren’t doing anything to prevent it, then I think we would have both been ruined by it – I know I would.

  5. #ReDesign2017

    I fell out of love with my blog. It happens more often than I’d like to admit. In the olden days, I would’ve just started a new blog. But I have a domain now, I pay for stuff, I have commitments. So, I undertook the epic challenge of redesigning ValerieRayne.com.

    Honestly, it took a heck of a lot longer than I wanted it to and it was a heck of a lot harder than I was anticipating! Right now though, I’m feeling like it was totally worth it. It inspired me to pick up projects that I had been neglecting, inspired me to start doing #ThrowbackThursdays on Facebook, and I have pages and pages of thoughts and ideas to continue inspiring me. I have fallen back in love with my blog.

    I’ve got lots of plans over the next little while. You’ll see the return of #FridayFavorites and #TumblrFavorites – both even better than they were before. New erotica will be coming your way, especially as The Erotic Writers Group heats up for 2017. I officially started working on The Brighton Tales again and maybe another book *wink*. Some of my biggest goals here this year center around The Sims, The List and The Gallery – all of which I’d like to see a lot more posts in! And as always, I invite you to leave me comments and let me know what you’d like to see more of and I’ll do my best!

The beginning of my life as a 30-year-old mom of five in 2017 (there’s 3 changes in a sentence!) has been filled with ups and downs and weird squiggly lines. It’s been filled with changes and tears and so much gratitude and love. And I’m just so excited glad to be back from my  hiatus. I’m looking forward to 2017 on ValerieRayne.com! Are you?

The Rantings - For Everyone

Welcome Back… Finally!!!

It has been half a year since I last blogged!

In my last post here, The Boyfriend and I weren’t having sex because I was at the very end of what felt like the longest pregnancy of my life. My posting had been sporadic for awhile and the process of carrying and birthing a child and adjusting to life with a new family member just took over entirely.

In August of 2016, we welcomed our fifth child into the world! Previously known as Baby #5, our fourth son, Cazzwell was born. Labor was short and painful and we were home within a day or so. He came exactly when we hoped he would even though we couldn’t have been less prepared – rushing around last minute to get a car seat and diapers and baby clothes.  We rushed so much that we entirely forgot to give him a middle name. He’s the only one of our kids without an amazing one!

The months that have followed his birth have truly been an awesome whirlwind. A bunch of the kids and I all had our birthdays one right after the other, I officially turned thirty, possibly the most boring and also sorta the greatest Christmas and New Year went by, my baby keeps growing up way too fast and finally, I shut down my website.

I fell out of love with everything about my blog. I hated the color, I hated the way things looked, I hated the disorganization that just naturally tends to occur whenever I blog for longer than a couple months. I expected that I would fall out of love with it all and I should’ve prepared for it, but of course, I didn’t. It resulted in a much longer hiatus than I had wanted!

However, those of you who may have seen my website prior to what I’ve dubbed #ReDesign2017, may have noticed that a lot of things have changed around here. There’s new categories (which you can learn more about here or by clicking on any of the categories in the menu at the top or bottom of the page), completely new types of posts and a lot of old ones updated to be better. The Archives have also undergone a major change to be a little bit more simple and again, better. And of course, the entire look and feel of the site has been overhauled.

I have a lot of big plans for the coming days and weeks ahead of us. Most importantly will be to add all new posts to all the new categories and continue the minor site improvements I’m making on the backend. I’ve never looked forward to returning to blogging as much as I did this time around and I’m absolutely excited for the future of ValerieRayne.com.

Be sure to follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Google+ to get updates on new posts when I post them. And, if you like what you see and you’re excited for my return to blogging, let me know by liking this post and drop me a comment below! What are some posts that you’d like to see more of this year on ValerieRayne.com?

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

Almost Been a Month….

I’m officially starting to get incredibly annoyed by the lack of sex around here. This is probably the longest The Boyfriend and I have ever gone without having any sexual contact whatsoever and honestly, it doesn’t even seem like either of us cares, and that is so entirely unlike us…

It’s been almost an entire month now… It made sense the two weeks he was out of town. We sexted during that time – once, and both of us were talking like his first night back would be filled with sex. Then he got back and that first night had no sex, not even a kiss more than a peck on the lips.

He had two days off a couple days ago. I thought we were going to have sex then. The first night, I ended up being grumpy about his game playing. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel a little jealous of the games – it’s just something that happens. But that second night, no idea why sex didn’t happen.

I’ll admit, I’m feeling a little apprehensive about having sex. I’m the biggest I’ve ever been thanks to baby and sex hasn’t been much on my mind. I can’t say that I feel particularly sexy. I feel big and awkward and functional – like my body is here to house a baby, not like it’s here to be sexualized. I’m nervous about bleeding or hurting or feeling baby kick upon penetration. And so I’m not initiating that intimacy like I usually do.

And of course, if I’m not initiating, neither is he…

I can’t tell if he’s not initiating because he’s not interested or because he thinks I’m not interested or if we’re both just thinking about pregnancy and therefore not thinking about sex. I can’t figure out if we’re both just too tired to get down to business or if there’s a discomfort for us around it or anything. And up until his last days off, I didn’t really care, but now I’m officially starting to care.

He’s been working a lot lately and that always puts a huge damper on our sex life. It puts a huge damper on a lot of things, because his mind is always filled with thoughts of work. Even when he’s not working, he’s worrying about work and I totally get it. It feels like we have no time for each other right now and that of course, affects our intimacy levels.

I’m worried that we won’t have sex again until I’m done being pregnant. And then, you have to wait the stupid 6 weeks after that and it’s already been almost a month of no sex. I’m worried about how it will affect our relationship not having sex for that long, especially being that we’ve never gone that long. I mean, sure we’ve gone awhile without penetrative sex, but we’ve never gone anything close to this long without heavy makeout sessions or blowjobs! I’m worried that eventually I’ll start taking the lack of intimacy out on him and it will take both of us far longer than it should to figure out that I’m pissy at him for the lack of sex.

At this point, I don’t even know when his next days off are, so I don’t even know when it might be possible to do anything. And then chances are, that day will come around and my vagina will be hurting or my back will be hurting or something will stand in the way of us getting down to loving. And while I feel like I could get through it right now, what will it be like a week from now?!? I just can’t believe that it’s already almost been a month…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Where Did the Time Go?

I absolutely cannot believe that I haven’t written in over a month…! It does not feel like it’s been that long and it’s definitely not for lack of things to write about. June just whizzed by in a blur and while July has slowed down a lot, it feels like I haven’t had a moment for anything.

The summer started with dropping the older three kids off at their Dad’s. It’s been incredibly boring without them here and it’s probably the first time ever where they left and days later, I was missing them hard. It comes and goes in waves and sometimes, I’m relieved that they’re gone and sometimes, I just want my babies back. They’ve been there for about three or four weeks now and we’ve probably got another week until they come home. I cannot wait!

The Boyfriend also left shortly after they did, leaving Carter and I at home alone. He got an incredible opportunity to go train other managers up in the Northwest Territories. You have no idea how awesome it feels to say that my boyfriend had to go on a business trip. He wasn’t expecting me to be as supportive as I was and that made him very nervous about the trip. He spent two weeks up there and had a great time exploring this totally new-to-him place.

I knew I would start missing him pretty hard by about day three and I was totally right. The first couple of nights went by with ease and then that third day hit and it started dragging miserably to the point where it felt like it would never end. By day seven, we were both going pretty nuts and it became a bit of a battle to make it through the day without sadness over the absence. We’ve never spent that much time apart and I can’t imagine it happening very often in the future. It was such a relief the day we went to pick him up from the airport.

Carter and I had made a “Welcome Home, Daddy” sign and greeted him at his gate. I’ve never seen either of them look so happy as when they first saw each other. Unfortunately, he’s basically been working non-stop since he got back from the trip and only today has he finally gotten days off. We are both so excited about finally getting to spend some quality time together!

Have had a couple prenatal appointments over the last little while too and baby is doing really well. They sent me for another ultrasound – a biophysical profile to be exact. The last time I went for one of those, while I was pregnant with Kaeidyn, resulted in me being induced for labor the very next day – so I was a little nervous about it. All went well though and baby is looking great. Now we get to start doing prenatal appointments every week and we’ve only got about four weeks left!

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to get this pregnancy over with. My body has ached like this, and worse, before now – but never has it made me so entirely miserable. I can’t wait to get this baby out of my belly and into my arms. I’m nothing but excited about the idea of having my baby here!

In other news, my house has never been and stayed this clean ever. I’ve even been tackling the huge amount of laundry that had piled up and I’m actually enjoying doing it, because it’s staying organized and tidy! Cleaning up after two people is a million times easier than cleaning up after six! I wish it was always this easy because I’d never have a problem getting it done. I’ve got a few little projects to do before the older kids get home but otherwise, my house has looked great for a while now and it definitely feels really nice!!

The Rantings - For Everyone

It’s June Already…!!

Oh my goodness, its June already!! This year has just been whipping by. And it’s June already…!

It’s that dreaded time of the year again where we’re heading into a housing inspection. It means doing a super deep clean of every single square foot of this house. It means trying to stay motivated to get cleaning done for longer than one day, while also maintaining motivation for the five other people in the house. It means freaking out for an entire week that we aren’t doing enough, no matter how many hours we work, unnecessarily – because we’ve managed to not fail five years running.

This year seems especially unmanageable because I am pregnant and uncomfortable and it is making all the cleaning feel that much harder. Washing dishes has become the biggest pain in the butt because the counter cuts right across my massive stomach, so I hunch a lot and really upset my hips. I get tuckered out a million times quicker to the point where I have to sit at least to catch my breath and re-motivating myself after each tucker out is just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t think I’ve ever had a housing inspection while I was pregnant, and I can tell you that I absolutely do not like it!

I realized the other day that we’ve only got about thirteen weeks left until it’s baby time. Again, time is just whipping by. I feel like it was just the other day that I was stressing out about telling our parents… And now, it’s only a short time before we’ll be holding a baby in our arms. I know that over the next month or so things will slow down dramatically (as it always does in the third trimester) and I’ll be bitching about how time is now marching along at a sluggish speed, but right now, it feels like it’s going really fast.

We went for our last monthly prenatal appointment. After that one, they start happening every two weeks. Everything with baby and my health is looking great. My blood pressure was on point, all my recent tests – ultrasound, glucose screening, etc. – all came back normal, and most surprisingly to us baby is measuring exactly where he’s supposed to be. I’ve never measured accurately, always measuring at least two weeks small – even with Carter who was a normal-sized baby! Now we have one last ultrasound to schedule and then it’s just a matter of counting down!

School is already almost out! It took us all year to get Carter to like going to school and now that he finally does, it’s about to end! It’s crazy how fast the school year has gone too. Although I can honestly say that I’m looking forward to summer break. I’m looking forward to not having to do the school routine because it is probably the hardest routine we try our best, and often fail, to stick with. It’s a lot of pressure off! I’m also looking forward to doing summer stuff with the kids. I cannot wait to spend a day at the beach!

I still just can’t believe it’s June already. Time is just whipping by!

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Ready to Get Back to Work

I hate these huge gaps between posts lately. I hate that I keep promising myself to change that and then just end up sucking at it. I hate that I’ve become such a huge slacker and that I want so desperately to change it but my body and mind just can’t seem to get on board with it.

I had spent quite awhile freaking out about baby stuff. We finally went in for the ultrasound that I had talked about in my last post and it went really well. It was fun because The Boyfriend got to come in for the whole entire thing and we got to watch it from beginning to end – two things that have never happened before.

All our worries were greatly relieved when we were told that everything is looking great. Baby’s heart is looking fine and he’s right on track for his growth. Now we’ve just got to go for the Glucose Screening Test and then probably another ultrasound closer to the end of the pregnancy.

The kids have all been a serious handful and a half these last few days, maybe even going on a couple weeks. We’ve left Kaeidyn to babysit a couple times while we ran to get coffees or whatever and the power goes to her head and she becomes little miss bossy, in the worst kind of way. It irritates the boys to no end and then she has the hardest time coming out of the wannabe-mommy-mindframe.

Carter is by-far the one that hates it the most. And he has just not been able to get along with anyone for anything. He’s constantly getting on someone’s nerves. He’s been really klutzy lately and has been hurting himself on a regular basis. He will literally sit at the top of the stairs and fall down them on purpose. He doesn’t even cry, just gets up and does it again. I tend to raise my voice in his direction a heck of a lot more than I’d like to.

Kenzie has been an emotional wreck and is prone to burst out into tears the moment he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. Lately, that seems to be going over to other people’s houses – whether it’s my Mom’s or a friend of his – and the moment you say “no”, he’s bawling on the couch. Or one of the kids will start copying him and he just breaks down in tears. It’s been days of calming him constantly.

Even Keirnan has been more of a pain in the butt than normal. He’s been noisier and has gotten to that terrible stage where he’s prone to hit long before even considering to use his words. And he is seriously getting so terrible for his lying, all the time, about everything. Even things that don’t need a lie. I don’t get it and I don’t completely get how to stop it either. We’ve tried all the tricks I remember from the other kids and they just don’t seem to be working…

The Boyfriend has the next two days off and we’ve got plenty of plans. First and foremost is a lot of cleaning. We have been seriously neglectful and I’m officially done with that. Upstairs, downstairs, laundry and yard – it’s all gotta get done. Then we’ve got dinner at both our Mom’s places, which I’m looking forward to, because I’ve been desperately wanting to get out of the house and have a reason to do so. I also hope that I can find time to focus some attention on my online stuff. I keep saying that I’m going to and then end up not and I’m just so ready to get over that. I’m so ready to get some work done!

The Rantings - For Everyone

Week of Nervous Wreckage

Long time, no write! My apologies

It’s been a week, to say the least. Not necessarily a good week, not necessarily a bad week. It’s been a week that has been full of emotional ups and downs. It’s been a week that has me utterly exhausted and feeling pregnant in every inch of my body. It’s been a week that I am beyond ready to have over. And it’s definitely been a week that I haven’t wanted to write about (and I’m definitely not enjoying that.. the not wanting to write thing…).

We’ll start at the beginning, Monday. We had our second ultrasound to go to and we were all very excited. The older three kids were hoping to come along, but they ended up getting stuck out at their Dad’s for the day. Carter came with The Boyfriend and I. They waited out in the waiting room while I traveled back with the technician. It was a long ultrasound and after about forty-five minutes, she asked if we could do an internal ultrasound so that she could “check my cervix“. Another fifteen minutes passed and the official exam was over.

The technician helped me wipe up the cooled gel and told me I could go get The Boyfriend and she was just going to go talk to the doctor. It all started adding up in my head: super long ultrasound + external & internal ultrasound + talking to the doctor = something’s not quite right. I felt like a nervous wreck by the time I got to The Boyfriend and I grabbed his hand and whispered to him, “Something’s up…“. We went back into the room and I told him all the things I just told you and then we had to wait another fifteen minutes for the technician to get back, with no word about anything that had just happened.

Even though we had seen that our technician got beautiful pictures of our baby’s face, during the actual showing-to-us part of the exam, she seemed to be focused on the legs and the “cute” feet. Carter quickly lost interest in what was on the screen and The Boyfriend and I giggled and held hands tightly. She asked if we wanted to know the sex and we both enthusiastically said yes and we were told we’re having a boy – not exactly the news we were hoping for (especially the older three kids), but we’re happy nonetheless.

Baby #5 - It's a Boy - April 2016
Baby #5 – It’s a Boy – April 2016

We left and I bitched to The Boyfriend about the whole thing and we went and picked up the kids and all was good. Two days later, I got a call from my doctor’s office saying that they wanted me to come in early to discuss the results of my ultrasound. The nurse says to me, “It’s important you don’t panic“. I hang up the phone after booking my appointment and immediately burst into tears thinking the absolute worst things possible. Those words, “It’s important you don’t panic“, had me panicking more as I worried “Is it important I don’t panic because it could cause harm to me or the baby or is important I don’t panic because there’s nothing to panic about?!?” and I had a good forty minutes of absolute nervous wreckage!

So then, I whip out all my pregnancy books that I’ve accumulated over the years and spend the rest of the night searching up anything dealing with ultrasounds and cervixes. Had myself almost entirely convinced that I probably had an incompetent cervix and why were my doctors dealing with it so stupidly. I was greatly relieved when we went to our appointment and found out that that was not the issue at all.

Most babies umbilical cords have 3 vessels. In approximately 1% of pregnancies there are only 2 vessels. We are the 1%. 

At this point, we are not worrying about these results. We’re waiting to hear from the perinatologist to book a more in-depth ultrasound that will tell us whether or not there is anything to worry about. In 75% of pregnancies with a 2-vessel cord, the baby is born normal and healthy and fine, and at this present moment, there is nothing to indicate that we wouldn’t be in that 75%. And if we’re not, we’ll deal with that when we know for sure! After a drive out to Calgary, an even longer ultrasound and then a wait until our next prenatal appointment…

The kids have been a handful and a half, especially during the weekend when they were home and full of energy on the cold and rainy days we had. None of them are getting along very well at all right now and it is driving the parents batty. Carter and Kaeidyn are always at each other’s throats and his favorite thing to say to her is “Enough!“, which seriously pisses her off. Really, I suppose, it’s Carter not getting along with anybody else and they all constantly want to have space from him and he just really doesn’t like that.

Today was Kenzie’s birthday and we also got a new-to-us couch. We’ve been saying for months now, maybe even years, that we needed to get rid of our junk furniture and get new stuff and today we made the first huge strides. Finally threw out my broken and ratty lamp and got The Boyfriend to get a new one. Finally moved two couches that were super wrecked out of the living room and moved the new couch in, which resulted in us having to push everything else in the living room over to the right by about a foot. We plan to actually take all the junk furniture to the dump tomorrow, but after all the work we did today, I seriously needed a rest.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since the kids went to bed. My feet are up and I’ve been laying out for at least an hour now in hopes that the spasm in my hip will go away and the baby will stop pushing on me uncomfortably. The Boyfriend has been taking super good care of me so that I can relax after working so hard today and for that I am super grateful. It’s a good end to a full day!

The Rantings - For Everyone

Sick and Pregnant

I have been ridiculously sick for the last three or four days. Yesterday was the first day that I could breathe out my nose and I’ve never been more grateful for the ability! It came on swiftly and I had a whole two days of nothing but complaints, tons of tissues and so much mouth-breathing. Having a cold and also being pregnant made the whole experience that much worse.

I haven’t completely ended the morning sickness phase. While it’s not as constant as it was in the first trimester, certain things still make me super queasy. I still have to be especially careful how much coffee I drink, because one sip over baby’s limit sends me running for the toilet. Then, the soreness throughout my body is just incredible. I remember pregnancy hurting in every joint and muscle but it still tends to take me by surprise, as parts of my body that I typically don’t feel, suddenly scream out in pain.

We get to go for the next ultrasound in four days and everyone is incredibly excited. We’re all desperate to find out what we’re having and more than one calendar has been marked in anticipation of finally getting to see a real baby. Especially now that we’re starting to feel the baby move (just…). It’s all becoming very real and that’s an exciting stage to be getting to. It’s really interesting to be experiencing it with the kids, now that they’re all grown up.

Kaeidyn has been my little caretaker. She hounds me to take my prenatal vitamins and anytime I’m not feeling well, she’ll go above and beyond to try and make me feel better. It’s very cute how she lovingly puts her hand on my slowly expanding stomach and asks me, “How’s baby doing?”, before touching my forehead, as if to check my temperature. Keirnan has really taken no notice at all in the pregnancy or the baby and only shows any type of interest when a group of people are showing interest. The only thing that he has said and continues to say is that he hopes it’s a girl. Kenzie’s head is right at the height of my stomach and he’s been enjoying giving me huge hugs anytime I’m standing. He smushes his little face up to my stomach and squeezes tightly.

Carter spends a lot of his time being rough to my stomach and The Boyfriend and I almost always have a discussion about how he’s going to be so jealous when baby gets here. He’ll roughly poke and prod my stomach or squeeze my flesh in his clenched fists. He’s been climbing all over both the parents lately and will sit directly on top of the round of my stomach. While he’s excited and curious and interested – asking tons of questions and wanting to be involved – he generally gets unknowingly rough with my stomach. I think he’s going to have the hardest time out of all of the kids adjusting to a baby in the house – mainly, having to share his Mom and Dad with someone needier than him.

We went for a nice drive yesterday to take the kids out to Alfie’s. Have I ever told you how much I love that we can drive? We drop them off at the McDonald’s in Leduc, which is right across the highway from an airport. We sat in the parking lot long enough to see four planes go overhead and it absolutely made our day. Carter was invited to go with the kids for the first time ever but we said no, because none of the kids have been getting along well lately, and especially not Carter and the older ones. So, I decided that they needed a break from each other. Have I ever told you how much I love having that option?

The Boyfriend goes back to work after having the last two weeks off this weekend, which is a little sad. I’m looking forward to getting back into some sort of routine because having him home means that I spent a lot of time seriously slacking. Many nights passed where I didn’t do the dishes or make dinner or even move from my spot once. He’s managed to work this next week where he works a couple days and then gets a couple off and then works a couple and then a couple off – and it’s honestly so great to have that to transition back from holidays.

The rest of this weekend, the plan is for me to muster as much energy as possible to get some of the cleaning projects off of my to-do list. I really gotta buckle down and get these floors mopped and while The Boyfriend is home is the best time to do it. As long as the couple things are done by the time the older kids get back from their Dad’s on Sunday. It’s going to be a busy weekend 😉

The Rantings - For Everyone

Beautiful Weekend

The weather has been beyond beautiful. So beautiful that you want to spend every single moment of the day outside. We went from being in the negatives to being double digits into the positive and it has made me one heck of a happy girl.

Yesterday, The Boyfriend came home from work and informed me that, unbeknownst to me, he had booked his holidays and they started right then and there. I thought we still had months to go, so it was a wonderful surprise. Then he decided that he wanted to go spend money that was burning a hole in his pocket, so he called and booked appointments for Kaeidyn and I to get our hair cut.

I had added this particular task to my to-do list many months ago. I hadn’t gotten my haircut in about 8 years and it was unhealthy and ridiculously long. Kaeidyn and I both picked pixie cuts but with a completely different style. It was so much fun to watch her go from long hair to short hair. I thought I was going to cry so hard, since I did the last time I got my haircut, but I dealt with it pretty well and was quite excited when it was finally done. It’s the shortest I’ve had my hair since the last time I shaved my head.

We even went to a couple music shops around town and checked out the guitars and drums and violins and pianos and the kids were so well behaved during the entire outing – which was a good 5 or 6 hours long. When we got home, I was still wanting to be outside, so I took some of the kids to the park for a little bit. It was pretty windy out, so we didn’t stay long, but it was a good walk and everyone enjoyed it.

Today, the sun was shining bright early this morning. It made me immediately want to get up and move. We had also promised the boys that we would take them shopping today and had said that we had hoped to go to Rotary Park – probably our most favorite park in the whole city. Although it took us a little bit to get up and going, we did exactly that. First, we went and enjoyed the sunshine down at Rotary. Keirnan and Kenzie spent their whole time on the monkey bars and Kaeidyn spent almost all of hers on the swings, Carter was the only kid to really explore the park. Then, we walked up the big long staircase. It was hell on my knees and by the top, I was heaving for air.

Afterwards, we went to Wal-Mart and the kids all got little things – toys for the boys and CD’s for Kaeidyn. I was hoping to find a pair of pants or running shoes – since pregnancy has made me need both! – but they didn’t have a single thing I liked. I even looked for a dress or a skirt, but had absolutely no luck. Oh well, maybe next time…

Now I think the next couple of days will be solely dedicated to getting the house clean. The Boyfriend was amazing and got the kids to help him clean the living room this morning and Kaeidyn’s been doing a bunch of laundry, but the kitchen and our room is in desperate need of a good deep clean. And being that The Boyfriend’s on holidays, I see no problems in getting in done.

My last prenatal appointment went really well and everything’s looking normal and fine. We’re impatiently awaiting our next ultrasound in about 2 weeks and crossing our fingers that we’ll get a girl gender reveal. Then, it’s time for the dreaded Glucose Screening Test, which I’ve hated doing every single pregnancy – this time is no exception. The juice-y/pop/syrup stuff makes my head feel gross, and I hate gross-head. Looking forward to everything coming back normal on that.

One last thing, if you haven’t noticed, “The Erotica” category is now gone and has been replaced with “The Writing” category. I decided that I didn’t want to limit myself to only writing erotica – what if I ended up deciding to write something without sex or sexuality in it? – so the name was changed. You’ll still find my erotica there, but you’ll also find other stuff too.

The Rantings - For Everyone

The One from Six Months Ago…

Sometimes, I write posts that I don’t publish for one reason or another – ultimately because I’m not comfortable sharing whatever publicly or with anyone other than myself. About five or six months ago, I wrote this post and saved it because I wanted to remember those mixed feelings we were having – but I didn’t want to say anything that made it sound like I wanted to be pregnant again.

Now that I am pregnant again, it’s interesting to remember this time in our lives when we thought we couldn’t get pregnant and to remember the fear we felt about another pregnancy. It’s interesting to have those mixed feelings, without the “What If?”. It’s amazing how much happens in a half a year.


I got to play guitar this past weekend. It’s been WAY too long!

Although I haven’t owned a guitar since Kaeidyn was in Kindergarten, I have had access to one anytime I go down to my Mom’s. And even though I’ve strummed it a few times over the last year, I haven’t really played in a good long while. Often I get hung up in how long it’s been and then I’m super self-critical and put the thing down before anything begins.

But, when I was handed the guitar by Mom’s boyfriend (who always hands me the guitar), I felt a little giddy and played around happily. I even sang after a while and enjoyed a good 5 or 6 song long streak, which just hasn’t happened in a while. And even though my fingers burned and my voice quivered, I had a lot of fun, which I wasn’t expecting.

In other news, my period is late. This year has been a menses mess! I’ve been using a period tracker for about two years now (give or take). No matter what, this thing can’t seem to figure me out at all. It doesn’t help that my period is all over the place and can’t figure anything out either… From periods that are lasting way longer and being a lot more painful to multiple months of lateness, it’s just getting exhausting. You’ll never hear anyone wish for menopause as much as I am right now.

The worst part about continually being late, and of course, it’s not continual, it’s sporadic. So, the worst part about being sporadically late, is that every single time it happens, I go through the mixed emotions of “What if I’m pregnant?”. I mean, I haven’t been pregnant yet. As far as The Boyfriend and I are concerned, I can’t get pregnant because if I could, it would’ve happened sometime in the last six years. But it hasn’t. And yet, every single time my period is late, it’s the first thing that pops into my head.

Last time this happened, probably about three months ago, when my period decided to be an entire month late, I was convinced I was pregnant and I was not happy about it. I was devastated and worried and freaking out about the whole situation. The Boyfriend was calm and relaxed and said, “It wouldn’t be the worst thing”, and I was heavily relieved when the test came back negative.

This time around, The Boyfriend had convinced me to wait until his next days off, because he was sure my period would start by then. The day rolled around, today, and still nothing. I have been freaking out for two freaking weeks, because on one hand, I really want to pregnant again. It’s been six years, all our kids are growing up, there would be no better time than now – we’re stable, we’re sane, we’re responsible, we’re doing great in almost all respects – never before have I given life to a child in better conditions than these. Part of me was excited about the prospect of babies and diapers and breastfeeding again. On the other hand, it’s no fun at all bringing a human into the world when no one is excited about it, and I’ve done that a lot…So, I was struggling with the unknown.

So, when he brought home the test, I was pretending to not care at all, but secretly I was hoping that it would come back positive. I was deterred when The Boyfriend made it sound like he was no longer comfortable with the idea and when I went to take the test, I was full of thoughts on the idea of it. And I was taken aback at my immediate anger when the test sat for two minutes and still read negative.

I hate that my period keeps getting my hopes up. I spend much longer than is necessary in a state of doubt and questioning. And then to find out, it’s all for naught and I just wasted $12 – well, it’s incredibly infuriating. It’s especially anger inducing when you’ve spent all this time debating the pros and cons and you’ve spent the last two weeks dreading this day and then it turns out that all your worries are misplaced.

I always enjoyed being pregnant, even when it was insanely hard. I loved it even when it was literally driving me insane. I loved giving birth, even when it never seemed to work out the way I had wanted it to –  a c-section when I wanted a natural birth, a VBAC when I wanted a c-section, a preemie and standing up in the bathroom! I loved, beyond belief, raising these beautiful little babies through toddlerhood and their first years of school, even when I felt used up, exhausted and completely overwhelmed. And as it stands right now, I am loving, beyond belief, experiencing this time with these amazing little humans.

I can’t get over how crushed I am about the negative test, especially as more days march on without any sign of blood.

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Raising Dads

After six years, you forget how entirely painful pregnancy is. I haven’t had a single day in over a week where I haven’t woken up beyond grumpy because my whole body is sore. The Boyfriend asks almost immediately upon waking, “How was your sleep?” and today I literally snapped at him that he “wouldn’t want to know!“.

It’s weird to feel your body expanding so slowly and yet so quickly. My hips have been feeling it the most and I’m often complaining about it. I’ve had some serious breast and nipple pain that wakes me from a dead sleep and I have never been more itchy in my entire life! Even though I’m in bed for plenty of hours, I don’t feel like I’ve been sleeping well at all and it has made for an even more bitchy and lazy me than usual.

The boys have all had more energy than we know what to do with. The weather is changing swiftly and you can tell in the kids’ attitudes and behavior. They’re also all growing, so eating like they’re constantly starving. We literally feed them dinner and the moment they clear their plates, they’re begging for a snack. It’s hard to keep up with all of them and their constant movement and noise and wants and needs.

Kaeidyn has begun dating a new boy, which has stirred up a lot more drama than ever before. I’m not sure what’s different about this boyfriend specifically, but she has been dealing with drama from her friends over it and I have been dealing with drama from Alfie over it. He has become especially uncomfortable with the idea of her dating and after finding out about this new boyfriend, he kinda flipped his lid. I spent a few hours on the phone with him last night having the first “fight” that we’ve had in years! He called it a “fight“, I didn’t think it was.

I think that both The Boyfriend and Alfie have this idea in their head that because I’m a sex-positive parent and because I’ve never said that being a teen mom was the “worst thing that ever happened to me“, that I’m somehow going to support her having sex younger and getting pregnant younger. It’s the only thing that I can think of for why they both don’t seem to trust that I’ve got any handle on Kaeidyn dating.

And when we say that she’s dating, what we really mean is that she calls this boy her “boyfriend” and they text each other sappy love memes. The most she’s ever done outside of that is held hands on a dare at lunchtime.

Both the father’s in my life seem to think that they can actually “scare off” her boyfriends and that they can punish her for dating or showing interest in boys. Multiple times Alfie said to me that I should send her to live with him so she couldn’t date. I laugh so hard at both of these thought processes. Mainly because I was a girl who was sent to her Dad’s so that I would stop seeing one specific boy and all that did was drive us closer together. I mean, it’s a story as old as Romeo & Juliet

I keep trying to tell them that we can’t control what she’s doing and any attempt to do so will blow up in our face. I keep trying to tell them that the only thing that we can do is arm her with arsenal of tools to make the best possible decisions, all we can do is steer her in the right direction and hope she continues on that way. She’s going to make mistakes and that’s part of growing up. And yeah, none of us want to see our baby girl hurt and none of us want her to live the lives we’ve had to live, but we can’t put a chastity belt on her and lock her in the closet. We wouldn’t do it to our boys, we shouldn’t do it our girls.

I’ve discovered over the last little while that it is much harder to raise father’s than it is to raise children. It’s especially hard to raise father’s of daughters. 

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The Last Couple Days

It’s been a good couple of days around here, even if it has felt overwhelming at times and even though I’ve been struggling with worry. The kids have all been a handful and a half, especially the boys who are not only getting on each other’s nerves but everyone else’s as well. Then, more visits to the doctor than I would like are keeping me awake at night, plus my body feels all tight and cranky, so I’m exhausted!

We went to our second prenatal appointment the other day. We were hoping to get some answers, like if I would be put on medication for high blood pressure, but instead the appointment just swung open the door to even more questions.

First, we brought all the kids in to hopefully listen to the baby’s heartbeat and the doctor tried and tried past the point of every one of the kids becoming bored and we just couldn’t get it. The Boyfriend felt uneasy about that, but that’s probably because we never had a problem getting Carter’s heartbeat – so it’s new to him. Then we discussed my blood tests, which showed that my red blood cells are large. So now we’re going for further blood tests to see if it’s a Vitamin B12 deficiency or liver disease or just pregnancy-related. And then we ended up ordering a 24-hour blood pressure monitor to get a definitive answer on that, and I pick that up in a day or two.

After about six years of not seeing a doctor to seeing one every other week… It doesn’t sit well with me! It makes me nervous and I just want it to be over and done with.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of days trying to catch up on some the online things that I’ve neglected for a long time. Tumblr kind of distracted me and I spent the majority of my time deleting, tagging and organizing my Tumblr. It’s looking pretty good and I can’t wait to hop on over there later tonight and get adding more. I’ve got a Top 5 Tumblrs to do AND the winter #TumblrFavorites is almost ready to go!

I’ve also been playing a ridiculous amount of The Sims 4. The Boyfriend tried for days on end to get me to play and I just couldn’t find the interest, even after I downloaded another Stuff Pack. Finally, after the kids bogarted it for a few days, I decided to go on. Created a new family, because I can’t seem to stick with one anymore. However, something happened and I ended up losing that because it didn’t save. So today, I spent a huge portion of the day on it.

I’ve been meaning to take screenshots or videos or something of my gameplay, but the last couple of days I’ve just really wanted to focus on playing. I feel like there’s still so much of that game that I haven’t even come close to experiencing yet. So, I’ve been taking my time to really explore and have been focusing a lot on Clubs lately. I even made my own Club for the first time today and managed to have about four gatherings, which allowed me to get quite a few Club Perks. I’m finding Clubs to be a very interesting addition to the overall gameplay.

And I’ve even gotten quite a bit of cleaning done over the last two or three days. I’ve been making The Boyfriend deal with laundry and interrupt his gaming the moment I realize the machine is done. The kids, even though they’re not listening and fighting, are being helpful when I ask them to. Today, they did an amazing job getting the living room clean as long as I could keep Carter distracted.

He has just been in a bug everyone type of mood. He wants to be best buds with Kenzie and Keirnan, but neither of them really have an interest in him or any of his interests right now. They’ve all been super-competitive lately, each trying to out-do the other. One boy will say that he was good at something and the other boys will insist that they’re better or that his good thing was simply a fluke. Carter, because he’s hating being the youngest right now, seems to be the worst and always has to have the last word.

Kenzie has been ridiculously loud lately and I can guarantee he’s not even noticing it. Today, we were all sitting in the living room and the boys were playing relatively quietly. Kenzie starts to get louder and louder and louder, when the parents turn and ask him to quiet down. This happens probably three or four times before he gets in trouble for being so loud after being asked so many times not to. Immediately he breaks down in tears because he had no idea that he was getting louder. It’s only really weird because he’ll notice when everyone else gets louder and asks them to quiet down but can’t notice himself at all.

Keirnan has been violent a lot lately and has gotten in trouble quite a few times over the last few days because he deals with every single issue with his fist. Then, when he gets caught in the act or after the fact, doesn’t matter, he’ll try to fib his way out of it. I don’t know if I’d call it an out-and-out lie because he’s been pretty afraid of getting in trouble for that again, but it’s like he’s trying to manipulate the narrative to better the chances of someone else getting in trouble – usually Carter. I tell ya, boys are hard!

Kaeidyn’s been Kaeidyn. She’s been sleeping in a lot later and we’ve even had a couple mornings where the parents were out of bed before her. That hasn’t happened in ages. She goes for her babysitting course soon and she’s incredibly excited about that and she’s spent the last little while trying to talk me into letting her throw a baby shower for me, so it’s been a lot of, “When I get babysitting license I can start saving money” and “When I get money, I’m going to buy you the cutest thing for your party” and “We could play this game and this game and eat this food and invite these people” and just on and on. I love that she’s so excited for a baby though!

Well, I think I’ve talked about everything there is to talk about. Good talk 😉

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Still Strange

Why is it that The Boyfriend’s babies always cause me so much joint pain? With the three older kids, during my pregnancies, sure I was beyond sick and in the hospital almost all the time because of gallbladder pain or kidney infections or premature labor. But never once did I experience any joint pain with them whatsoever.

Get pregnant with Carter and almost immediately start having severe knee pain. It lasts the whole pregnancy and then some and my doctor becomes concerned that I’ve got arthritis. Then, the pain subsides and I have no real issues for almost five years. Then, I get pregnant this time and the joint pain is back with a vengeance.

It’s been near impossible to get a comfortable sleep for a good three or four nights now. From my hands and wrists really bugging me to that damnable knee pain. It’s absolutely terrible and by far, my least favorite part of pregnancies with The Boyfriend’s babies!

I’ve been feeling very blah lately too. Last week, I would’ve told you I was excited and nervous for pregnancy and babies. This week, I’m feeling like it’s not real and like I’m not ready for it all. I’m hella excited for the baby, I’m not excited at all for the toddler or the 5-year-old. I’m dreading those toddler years something fierce.

I keep trying to remind myself that it will be easier this time around, because our situation is so different. It will be easier because it will only be one toddler instead of a handful of them. It will be easier because there’s so many more eyes able to watch a toddler. It will be easier because I’m not nearly as stressed out by things now as I was back then. I have to keep remembering that it will be easier this time. However, it doesn’t take away from the dread I am feeling towards those years.

I still just can’t get over the fact that four pregnancies, I knew I was pregnant long before I took any tests. This pregnancy, it still doesn’t feel entirely real even though we’ve now had multiple positive tests AND we’ve even seen the baby. And yet somehow, it still doesn’t feel real. When I wake up in the morning feeling nauseous and sore and terrible, I never think to myself, “Oh, it’s because I’m pregnant!”. And what the heck is that about?!?

It’s so strange being pregnant again after so long of not being pregnant. I say it at least once a day. Everything just feels so new and different.

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Introducing Baby #5

I can’t believe that I haven’t written anything in such a long time. I kept meaning to and then everything kept getting in the way of it. First was a terrible start to the New Year with a lot of arguments and upset. I spent the first three days of January in tears. Then, I ended up being sick for a few weeks and my butt was being thoroughly kicked. Then, I found out some news that I wasn’t expecting and have only now started to end my total denial.

I kept asking, the whole three weeks that I was beyond sick, “Why is no one else getting sick?“. Usually colds or flus in our house go through each member of the family like clockwork. One person get sick and then the next one and then the next one, until it’s touched each and every one of us. But no one else was getting sick, just me. I was convinced that I was dying of some horrible disease and I was terrified of going to the doctor to find out that I was dying.

A friend of mine messaged me one night, concerned that I was still sick after so long. Together, we went hunting around the internet to find out what was wrong. At the time, my symptoms included severe breast pain and constant nausea. The only things we could find that fit my symptoms were either PMS or pregnancy. After a long conversation, I finally gave in and asked The Boyfriend to bring home a pregnancy test.

I honestly did not think that I was pregnant, at all. Over the last six years, we’ve had many “scares”. And every time, I get the pregnancy test and it comes back negative and the next day, my period starts. I just assumed that that would happen again. As the lines for positive popped up before I had even finished, I began to shake and sweat. It was not what I was expecting.

Telling The Boyfriend was fun. He was sleeping and I went up immediately and woke him up. He rolled over and smiled at me like he always does and I said, “So, you ready for baby #5?” and he took a few minutes to realize that we only had four kids, so obviously that must mean she’s pregnant. A huge smile spread across his face and stayed there for easily a week. He’s been entirely excited by the whole thing.

We told all our family that same day. His Mom and Sister were first, because we knew we’d get nothing but support from them. Then, we told my Mom and her reaction was exactly what I had expected it to be. I knew that his side of the family would be happy – for him, it’s only really his second child. My family, on the other hand, thinks I should’ve gotten my tubes tied years ago. Plus, my Mom always starts out disappointed and then quickly comes around to being my biggest supporter.

We went for our first prenatal appointment. My blood pressure was pretty high, so the doctor asked if I could check my blood pressure over the next two weeks and then come back in for another appointment. We were hoping it would give some clear answer as to whether or not I should be medicated for high blood pressure at this point, but it didn’t. So, now we’re ordering a 24-hour blood pressure monitor to get a more accurate picture of what’s going on.

We also got to go for our first ultrasound. It was such a fast experience but The Boyfriend and I were ecstatic to get to see the baby and it was even more exciting to come home and show the other kids, who are all incredibly excited about having a baby in the house. Everyone but Carter is hoping that it will be a girl, because we have enough boys!

This week, we go for blood tests and then next week is our second prenatal appointment. I keep saying that it feels like doing it all for the first time – even though I’ve been pregnant four times before this. It’s interesting to see how much has changed for pregnant people in the last six years. At first, the uncertainty of it all really terrified me, but now I’m embracing it a little more and feeling a bit more comfortable.

It’s going to be so strange to have a baby around after so long of not having babies around…

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Our Favorite Sex Positions

When The Boyfriend and I first started dating, he was a big fan of doing every weird and crazy position you could think of. In a typical sex session, he would probably cycle through a good six or seven wildly different positions and you’d walk away from it with your mind blown a little bit by the variety.

A few months into our relationship, I got pregnant and had a lot of severe joint pain that affected the way in which I could be moved and we had to greatly modify our repertoire from a huge selection of positions to a handful. He was also incredibly fearful of hurting me and/or the baby, especially being that I’m known for complicated pregnancies, so the sex became less about variety and more about intimacy.

After my joint pain left, or at least subsided dramatically, we basically stuck with the handful of positions. I think partly because we’re both incredibly comfortable in those positions and we’ve mastered the art of mostly mutual orgasm in these positions. There are, of course, a bunch of reasons why we prefer these positions over the hundreds of others that we could select from, especially when we speak of each one individually. So, without further adieu…

Our Favorite Positions

  1. Deck Chair

    Our absolute favorite position and the one we use absolutely and by far the most is missionary with him on top. While we vary up the missionary a lot when he’s up there, in terms of precise positioning, there are some things that are almost always the same.

    He is likely to have his face buried in my neck or breasts, I’m likely to have my right hand on my clit and chances are, my legs are up around his hips. Sex in this position is often wordless and there is a lot of watching the other person going on. He looks down on me and I look up at him. Often, missionary sex for us is typically very loving and intimate, even when he’s pounding into me like a jackhammer!

  2. Spoons

    We are both normally pretty exhausted in terms of overall energy. Life very much takes every ounce of energy out of us, but we both want to have sex so badly. Sometimes, you’re just too lazy to work for sex. And so we spoon!

    Wake up sex is almost always spooning sex and again, we’ll sometimes do little things to switch up the positions. If I’m going to orgasm, I’ll often throw my leg up over him. Every once and awhile, because he loves it so much, I’ll pull my knees in tight to my chest and make myself into a tiny little ball. I’d say just a little bit more than half of the time, this position will turn into missionary.

  3. Doggystyle

    Again, we’re lazy people. When I’m on my hands and knees, its not really on my hands and knees. It’s more on my shoulders and knees, because I’m likely to have my head on my pillow and my ass in the air. Generally, this is a rougher sex position for us and is only used when he’s in the mood to be rough.

    I think there’s a lot of things we like about this position but for both of us, I think it tends to feel like kinkier sex because it is generally rougher. He’s likely to be very instructive in this position and we both get a kick out of that. My favorite thing about this one though is the ability for his hands to grab at flesh, because I just feel like that doesn’t happen enough.

  4. Cowgirl

    I’m not a huge fan of being on top. I mean, I like it a lot more now than I ever have in the past, but it’s still not my most favorite position. I feel awkward and uncoordinated for the most part when I’m on top and sometimes, I’m okay with that, but other times, I just feel it. So, it’s the least used of our favorite positions.

    However, The Boyfriend will take this one over any other any day. It is, without a doubt, his favorite position. When I’m on top, it’s almost always slow sex, in comparison to what we’re normally doing when he’s in charge. It also tends to be more sensual, more about kissing, more about hands all over one another, more about gazing into each other’s eyes. And while that sounds incredibly cheesy, it’s reality.

While we have a lot more positions that we are likely to use, these are the main ones. At least one of these positions is sure to be included in every sexperience, even when we’re trying to be experimental. So now I’m curious, what are your favorite sex positions? Would you say that it’s been different with every person you’ve been with or do you generally have a favorite position? What is your favorite thing about your favorite position? Let’s talk sex positions!!