- My constant exhaustion
Sitting doing nothing makes me exhausted. Dealing with the kids makes me exhausted. Cleaning makes me exhausted. Doing fun stuff makes me exhausted. It all makes me tired down to the very core…
- My extreme bitchiness
I’m normally bitchy. It’s not unusual for me to be generally bitchy. It’s probably the one word almost all of my family would immediately choose to describe me. However, I’m more bitchy than I’ve ever been. I’m bitchy to the point where I will often stop myself and go, “Whoa Val, you’re being really bitchy!” and that has never happened before and definitely never so often…
- My lack of smiles aka Dead Face
I wouldn’t say that I’m a huge smile-er or that I smile a lot on the regular. However, I’ve never been able to go as long as I seem to be able lately just not smiling at all. And I suppose when I say “not smiling“, I also mean just being expressionless. It’s like dead face, where there’s nothing going on. No smiles, no pouts, no eyebrows raised or scrunched, just nothing… Dead face…
- My pain
Let’s be real for a second… I’m never going to be pain free! I’m under no illusions about pain in my life and that it has been there for a really long time and it will probably remain to be there for a really long time. But I’m ready for the type of pain to change and I’m ready for the area of pain to change and I’m ready for the length of pain to change. It’s been so much of the same continual pain during this pregnancy and it’s really starting to weigh me down (literally and figuratively)…
My Mom said that I’ve been sleeping a lot lately today. I literally laughed out loud because it must seem that way. Every time she’s showed up to the house abruptly over the last two weeks, I’ve been laying down trying to nap. But sleeping a lot…
That has not been happening. My sleep has been so screwed up that I feel like I am getting absolutely none. And my energy levels have been a clear sign that I haven’t been getting enough. And if that hasn’t given the clue, then my bitchiness sure will!
I’ve been having a lot of problems with my hips and legs – as is mostly to be expected during this stage of pregnancy. I think I’ve got a touch of Restless Leg Syndrome going on because the moment I lay down to go to sleep, my legs start seriously aching. It starts above my knee and then just kinda shoots out from there. Within 30 minutes of laying down anywhere for any reason, I’m having to go for a super hot bath just to ease the discomfort a little bit.
I’m sure to everyone it’s been feeling like I’ve been “sleeping” a lot. By this, they mean I’m up in my room in my bed. But sleeping, I’m definitely not. I spend most of the night awake tossing and turning or getting up and down to go pee or take baths – which I take at least two of almost every day. I’m just so uncomfortable physically that sleep never comes. By the time morning comes around, I haven’t slept a wink and I’m full-fledged irritated.
Luckily, for the most part, The Boyfriend has been incredibly understanding. Especially being that I’ve been terrible at getting in and out of bed without waking him up. So I normally get to stay in bed after he gets up with baby. It normally takes me a good long hour to fall asleep once he leaves the bed and I finally get two hours. Then he wakes me up and it’s mostly just me being tired and bitchy all darn day!
Some days, I’ll be so exhausted that when the kids get home from school, I’ll ask if I can go lay down for a bit. Again, so incredibly lucky on my part, because the kids are also incredibly understanding and enthusiastically reply, “You go ahead and lay down Mom!”. However, sleep is almost never had during this hour of laying down. It’s mostly listening to them play downstairs. But the laying down helps with the headache that always sets in from the lack of sleep.
Sometimes I’m seriously so surprised that I’m dealing so well with the lack of sleep. I’m functioning pretty decently on the short uncomfortable sleeps that I’m getting. Sometimes, I’m just so down and out about it and can’t help but be bitchy and snappy and utterly useless!
I hate how the third trimester kicks in and it just takes over your whole life. Sure, the discomforts of the first two trimester are hard to deal with, but the third trimester always seems like it’s impossible to manage. You often wonder how you’re ever going to make it through.
We’re coming up very quickly on the end of this whole thing. Only 11 weeks left and probably less than that being that we’re planning to do a c-section. We’ve decided to do the c-section almost entirely so that I can get my tubes tied at the same time and we can just be done with all of it, all at once. I haven’t gotten nervous about the c-section aspect of it yet, although I imagine that will change once we meet with the obstetrician. Right now, I’m just excited about it.
The prospect of never getting pregnant again, especially when I’m currently so fed up with being pregnant, is just making me long for the end. I’m so ready, it’s ridiculous.
This last little bit is taking it out of me entirely and I haven’t a day in a long while where I didn’t wake up incredibly bitchy and then spent the whole day in that state. It’s been so rough around here that I’m not even sure how to write about most of it…
First and foremost, about two weeks ago, The Boyfriend came inside from shoveling in pain. He rarely ever is “in pain“, so when he is, not only is it very obvious but it definitely signals that something is wrong – because he rarely ever experiences pain. He thought he had pulled a muscle and for the next week, things got progressively worse. He comes home from work one night, red-faced and gripping his chest, in the most pain I’ve ever seen him in. We rush up to the hospital.
After being seen by triage nurses, we were pretty quickly sent to the back for him to get an ECG and then we were pretty quickly rushed even further back where he was given some Tylenol and an NSAID. We were both convinced he must be having a heart attack, as his heart rate just kept going up and we could overhear the nurses saying he was tachycardic. They send him down for a chest x-ray, they do some blood work and after about 4 hours (which is pretty incredible being that the wait times were upwards of 3 hours), they tell us he’s got pneumonia.
So, he has been exceptionally sick. Sick, in pain, on medication, and just all around not feeling well.
And I’m trying so hard to be the girlfriend that takes care of him. I’m trying so hard not to resent him for getting to be so well taken care of. I’m trying so hard to just not be angry all the time and it is not working. I wake up everyday and he’s stiff and I immediately hate him and want him to stay out of my face.
I don’t like being the rock. He’s supposed to be the rock. And I’m well aware of the fact that sometimes I have to be the rock. However this particular time is just not being easy. I’m not ready to be the rock and I don’t have the energy to be the rock and I’m just so sick of taking care of everybody.
It doesn’t help that I have about a million other stressors happening right now and he can’t even be there to offer me a hug because he is so sick. So I feel like I’m out here, sailing on choppy waters all by myself in a boat that isn’t even water-worthy, and it’s scary and it’s daunting and it’s overwhelming and it makes me want to cry constantly. But rocks don’t cry… However, my pregnant ass totally fucking doesn’t care!!!
And that’s another part of the whole thing that just really has been eating at me. He comes home from work that night, in pain, and I immediately jump into Mom mode. Because we at first think it’s just a muscle cramp, I suggest a hot shower. I undress him and hold him up, I turn on the water and make sure it’s the right temperature before he gets in there. I help him in and sit right next to the tub while he’s in there. I help him out and get him dried off and re-dressed. I support him on my damn shoulder, even though he’s way heavier than I am and I am a totally weakling. And not once during all my pain, during all my pregnancies, not even during labor, has he ever done this shit for me.
I have to struggle my own fat ass out of the bathtub when it’s three in the morning and my hip is causing me so much pain that I can’t feel my legs. I have to hold the cold cloth to my head as I’m pushing his baby out. I have to pull on my own damn pants on even when I can’t lift my foot of the ground. And I just can’t seem to get over that…
I’m sick of taking care of everyone and no one taking care of me.
And of course, his version of taking care of me is different than that. He looks at how hard he works outside of the house as taking care of us. He looks at the fact that he’s the only real income earner as taking care of us. And while he’s entirely right, it doesn’t make me feel any better. It just makes me resent him more. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t complain and frankly, that’s all I feel like doing lately. Complaining and bitching… And unfortunately, I don’t see that ending anytime soon for some reason!
I always think it’s so funny how much of pregnancy you forget about, even when you were only pregnant a little while ago. For most of my pregnancies, they happened shortly after a previous pregnancy. Within a year. The longest gap I’ve got is between Carter and Cazzwell, and that was 7 years.
But just two summers ago, I was struggling through my pregnancy with Cazzwell and already have forgotten how hard it can sometimes be.
I’ve spent a good solid week just in this absolute bitchy state. I can’t seem to shake this terrible feeling all throughout my body and it just brings down my mind so much. I can literally sit here seething because still yet my hip is too cramped to climb the stairs at anything faster than a snails pace or because I needed more help getting something done than it should take.
We go out grocery shopping yesterday. I had been dreading it for days, just not looking forward to doing it or putting my body through it – honestly, I haven’t wanted to leave the house at all. So, it was already a total “ugh” situation. We hit the first store and I’m doing okay at first. Then, we get to the meat aisle and all I can do is limp pathetically about the rest of the store as that pain sinks into my hip and my whole left leg starts to tingle. But it’s okay, I can push through it.
Hitting the second store was utter hell. I literally ducked out of the checkout, told The Boyfriend he’d have to do t he rest of it and sat until he was done. Made him load all the groceries into the van and made him and the kids unload it all when we got home. And I just hate when I have to have everyone around me working like little ants while I sit there in pain trying not to cry!
I always forget how hard it is to sleep during this part of the pregnancy. The part where your body is expanding and it can tell. The part where you can’t predict when you’re baby’s active hours are, so you fall asleep to them kicking the shit out of you and you wake up, multiple times a night to them kicking the shit out of you. The part where at a moments notice you could need to run to the bathroom to pee!
I got a good long sleep last night. The kids and The Boyfriend have been beyond wonderful letting me sleep in almost every morning because they all know I’m struggling. I was up in bed for hours upon hours. And yet, when Cazz crawled over me this morning ready to get up, I felt like I hadn’t even slept a wink. I just remember tossing and turning all night long.
I am finding some general comfort in the knowledge that this will most definitely be my last pregnancy. The plan as it stands is to go in and have this baby by c-section and get my tubes tied while they’ve got me opened up. Now that we know we’re having a girl, both The Boyfriend and I are officially ready to be done for good. I think, even if it weren’t a girl, I would be tapping out after this one. I don’t think my body can do this for much longer.
It’s so crazy to me to think about all the time over the last 13 years that I’ve spent pregnant or having babies. It basically equals out to 54 months in total that I’ve been pregnant – give or take a few weeks here or there. 2 out of 6 of my pregnancies have been premature to some extent, 1 pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. But all-in-all, it’s been about 54 months of pregnancy. And while 5 out of 13 years doesn’t sound like a lot, it sure does feel like a lot.
When I started my journey with pregnancies all those years ago, it was with a girl. Now that I’m ending my journey with pregnancies, it feels almost divine that I’m ending it with a girl. I also started with a c-section (although that was an unplanned emergency c-section) and am ending with a c-section (that is planned). Now, as long as nothing else is the same as it was the first time around, we’ll be all good!
I suffered with pretty bad post-partum depression with Kaeidyn. From about my 5th month of pregnancy on until she was about 6 months old. It was massively exacerbated when I was told I had the perfect nipples for breastfeeding and was really looking forward to trying it and then because of the emergency aspect of the c-section, ended up getting an infection so bad that even my breastmilk was infected. So all my hopes of breastfeeding were wiped off the table really soon after she was born, because she downright refused to drink it. All my hopes and dreams were really crushed with her – wanting to have this all-natural, vaginal labor with a healthy baby and then ending up doped up on Prozac and then epidurals and having a c-section for a baby that refused my milk. It was devastating.
I don’t want to say that it feels like the universe is giving me a second chance with this baby, because I don’t think I need a second chance. For all the hell we went through in the beginning, Kaeidyn is now a healthy and thriving teenager who does all the things you want a teenager to do. I always say “She was the first pancake and that one always comes out bad!“. So, it’s not a second chance but it kinda feels like this cathartic thing.
When The Boyfriend and I first started becoming interested in dating, I kept saying that there were “signs“, like signs from the universe that it was meant to be. I’m not normally a person who believes in these types of things because I don’t think there’s some pre-destined path we’re all supposed to be on. However, there are times in life when it feels like the universe is trying to tell you something. You have the same dream over and over again, you keep re-living some experience over and over again, things just stick out so obviously as something that has to be bigger.
It kinda feels like this pregnancy is that. I was saying in my post Must Be Pregnant, that I want to come to the decision to be done having babies all on my own. And while I have done that, it sometimes also feels like the universe is giving me all the signs. I used to always talk about the vicious circles in my life – these repetitive bad events. And now I feel like I get to have this beautiful circle moment.
I have had some of the worst hip pain of my life over the last couple of weeks. Once it starts to sink in, my leg begins hurting and then my shoulders begin hurting. The pain spreads until I’m completely consumed by it.
I can handle a few days of pain. I can even handle weeks of pain if I get a couple days break in-between. But this constant everyday sort of pain. It wears on you and far more than just physically. It begins to take a toll on your mental well-being. When you wake up in pain, spend your day in pain and go to sleep in pain, it really begins to screw with your outlook on life in general.
So either because of the pain or because of the way the pain affects me or both, I have been sleeping a lot. Correction: I have been in bed a lot. The sleeping has been pretty difficult, especially with the pain, because I’m tossing and turning all night long trying to find a position that doesn’t hurt. I also can’t seem to sleep through any sounds, from the kids getting ready for school in the morning (which used to be my deepest part of sleep) to the cat opening Kaeidyn’s bedroom door with her paw (which is just a barely audible scratch and squeak). By the time the baby is ready to get out of bed, I’ve just finally found the comfy spot and it’s finally quiet in the house.
Luckily, I have been blessed with just about the best boyfriend ever, because he knows that I’m tired. He knows that I’m in pain. And so, he gets up with the baby and lets me get an extra hour of sleep without him in bed, so that I can sprawl out all over the place. However, the last couple of days, the baby has been in need of mom earlier, so I’ve been having to get out of bed, even if I’m dragging my feet all the way.
Don’t even get me started on the ways in which the pain makes me feel like a terrible Mom. More than once in the last week, I have had to apologize to the kids for literally forgetting things they just said to me, for not hearing large chunks of things they’re saying to me – not to mention all the meals I haven’t cooked or all the slack they’ve had to pick up on the cleaning front. Honestly guys, I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many understanding, compassionate and loving people.
I’ve dealt with pain so much in my life, especially ever since The Boyfriend and I started having kids together, that you’d think that I’d deal with it better. You’d think that it wouldn’t drag me down so much. You’d think that I’d have some strategies to deal with it – and strategies that actually work, not just a hot bath that gives me half an hour of uncomfortable relief, but something that actually helped. But the older I get, the worse equipped I am. Pain literally takes me out of the game now.
One of these days, I’ll get around to seeing my doctor about it. It’s been a problem for long enough now that I should probably see a doctor about it. Not that I think there will be any solution. When I was pregnant with Carter, I had severe joint pain – I’m talking really really bad. There were even days that I couldn’t type on the computer – and everyone knows how much that bothers me!!! Felt like I was constantly going for tests, had a handful of hand and knee x-rays done. They gave me topical cream that was supposed to help – it didn’t and just upset my stomach. I often find that pain is a problem that doctors really don’t know that much about – or at least, not in terms of effectively treating it… They try, but it’s often (in my experience) for naught.
I know it will get better, at some point, eventually. But waiting for it has been painful!!!
It doesn’t hit me until two days later
When we’re driving around
And I realize that that joke she told
Or that plan she made
Was actually a morbid admission
Of her pending death
And her unbearable pain
And the overwhelming burden
That she feels like she is
Because she is dying
As we all do
But she’s been given a death sentence
And is sick and tired of playing positive
And is shoving the reality down our throats
So that we will be prepared
“When my time comes!”
Which was supposed to happen a week ago
But it didn’t and now she’s on
“Borrowed time” and is “past her expiry date”
So she jokes a little harder
Plans a little more impulsively
Checking the items of the doomsday list
And you don’t want to miss a moment
Of the rest of her life
Even though it shatters your heart
Two days later as you’re driving around
When she talks about dying
After six years, you forget how entirely painful pregnancy is. I haven’t had a single day in over a week where I haven’t woken up beyond grumpy because my whole body is sore. The Boyfriend asks almost immediately upon waking, “How was your sleep?” and today I literally snapped at him that he “wouldn’t want to know!“.
It’s weird to feel your body expanding so slowly and yet so quickly. My hips have been feeling it the most and I’m often complaining about it. I’ve had some serious breast and nipple pain that wakes me from a dead sleep and I have never been more itchy in my entire life! Even though I’m in bed for plenty of hours, I don’t feel like I’ve been sleeping well at all and it has made for an even more bitchy and lazy me than usual.
The boys have all had more energy than we know what to do with. The weather is changing swiftly and you can tell in the kids’ attitudes and behavior. They’re also all growing, so eating like they’re constantly starving. We literally feed them dinner and the moment they clear their plates, they’re begging for a snack. It’s hard to keep up with all of them and their constant movement and noise and wants and needs.
Kaeidyn has begun dating a new boy, which has stirred up a lot more drama than ever before. I’m not sure what’s different about this boyfriend specifically, but she has been dealing with drama from her friends over it and I have been dealing with drama from Alfie over it. He has become especially uncomfortable with the idea of her dating and after finding out about this new boyfriend, he kinda flipped his lid. I spent a few hours on the phone with him last night having the first “fight” that we’ve had in years! He called it a “fight“, I didn’t think it was.
I think that both The Boyfriend and Alfie have this idea in their head that because I’m a sex-positive parent and because I’ve never said that being a teen mom was the “worst thing that ever happened to me“, that I’m somehow going to support her having sex younger and getting pregnant younger. It’s the only thing that I can think of for why they both don’t seem to trust that I’ve got any handle on Kaeidyn dating.
And when we say that she’s dating, what we really mean is that she calls this boy her “boyfriend” and they text each other sappy love memes. The most she’s ever done outside of that is held hands on a dare at lunchtime.
Both the father’s in my life seem to think that they can actually “scare off” her boyfriends and that they can punish her for dating or showing interest in boys. Multiple times Alfie said to me that I should send her to live with him so she couldn’t date. I laugh so hard at both of these thought processes. Mainly because I was a girl who was sent to her Dad’s so that I would stop seeing one specific boy and all that did was drive us closer together. I mean, it’s a story as old as Romeo & Juliet…
I keep trying to tell them that we can’t control what she’s doing and any attempt to do so will blow up in our face. I keep trying to tell them that the only thing that we can do is arm her with arsenal of tools to make the best possible decisions, all we can do is steer her in the right direction and hope she continues on that way. She’s going to make mistakes and that’s part of growing up. And yeah, none of us want to see our baby girl hurt and none of us want her to live the lives we’ve had to live, but we can’t put a chastity belt on her and lock her in the closet. We wouldn’t do it to our boys, we shouldn’t do it our girls.
I’ve discovered over the last little while that it is much harder to raise father’s than it is to raise children. It’s especially hard to raise father’s of daughters.
It’s been a very long and entirely unproductive week…
We had two Christmas dinners to go to this year, which were incredibly delicious. First night was a turkey night and the second night was a bacon-wrapped steak night. Both nights were amazing and hanging out with all the family was really great.
The big highlight of our week was The Boyfriend’s four days off. It went by way too fast and four days really felt like two, but I always love having him in bed with me. Although, for some reason, this whole week, every time I sleep I end up getting ridiculously hot and so our usual comfortable and cuddly sleep was more like tossing and turning and keeping each other awake.
Carter’s been so talkative since the older kids left. I’m finding the super constant talkativeness to be incredibly annoying this time around and have to keep reminding myself that he’s not trying to annoy me. He’s just sharing… Every single thing! I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk as much as he has been lately and I probably wouldn’t find it so annoying if he talked about more than just two or three things. I can’t wait for the older kids to get back so that he has other ears to talk off.
I had all these big plans to get tons of cleaning done while the kids were gone and for the most part, I’ve failed miserably. We did have two solid days of really great cleaning and it was productive, but it wasn’t the degree of cleaning I was hoping to get done. We also got another new mop, this time with steam, to see if that will do our floors better or easier or something. We still have some time before the kids get back, so I imagine it’ll all get done, at some point.
I’ve been playing a lot of video games lately. The Boyfriend was all “try out Fallout 4” and I did and ended up falling in love with it. His second day off must’ve been especially boring, because I stole the game from him when he went to get coffees and didn’t let him back on all day! Then, I’ve been checking in on The Sims 4 stuff almost every other day, although I haven’t been playing The Rayne’s at all. Just random characters or attempting to build.
I’ve been having some knee pain lately, which hasn’t happened very often in the last few weeks. It’s been pretty insistent the last two weeks and I’ve spent a bunch of time complaining. Then, on and off (although more on over the last couple of days), I’ve been having a pain in my breast. I can’t really describe the pain in either of those places, except by saying that it sucks! Thank goodness I have the world’s greatest boyfriend, who will spend hours rubbing my knees and breasts, never once complaining about all my complaining 😉
Well, that’s basically all that’s happening around here. A whole lot of nothing. We’re planning on picking the kids up in about a week, which I’m excited about and then it’ll be back into the swing of school and all that other fun stuff.
I cannot get over how stressed out I’ve been feeling, about everything. And I was doing relatively well ignoring it all, putting it off and not worrying about it all. I mean, it was there, but it wasn’t in my face. Then, I spent a day in absolute pain – probably my bodies way of shocking me into awareness of the stress.
A horrible pain nestled itself in my back. It started out dull and quickly turned to a constant nagging pain that would not let up. I tried a thousand positions across every piece of furniture in my house, I was rolling around on the floor trying to find somewhere that would feel good, I used every pain management trick I know to get through it. It was brutal and today, I woke up feeling it all through my stomach.
I didn’t realize exactly how stressed I was until I realized that we’re just a couple days over a week from the start of school, and I just can’t get over how much I am freaking out about it. Firstly, can I just say, I absolutely despise how every single freaking year, we go into August thinking that the back-to-school thing will be easy and we’ll have all our finances figured out for it and then somehow we get to the end of August and it all seems to unmanageable, all too big to deal with.
And you’d think after 6 years of doing it, and experiencing the exact same thing every single year, I’d finally get it through my head and prepare better for the stresses and burdens and of it. And yet somehow, nope… It just keeps happening!
It does not help at all that I have a daughter who is like a little mother. When I try not to worry about something, she’s likely to fill the gap and her stress and worry often makes me stress and worry a lot more than is necessary. And even though I raised her and she’s turned out great (and even though I point this out to her every single time she starts freaking out), she does not seem to trust me at all.
She always thinks I’m not going to ensure that everyone is enrolled, or that I’m not going to get them on a bedtime routine for school, or that I’m going to neglect something important. I don’t know how she got this idea into her head, I don’t know where it comes from, but she insists on picking up slack that I haven’t even slacked on yet.
She’s incredibly nervous for the start of middle school. I don’t know if that is the reason why, but she has been very clingy lately. She’s been coming in and waking me up when she gets up, she spends the whole day itching to sit next to me and even though she insists on everyone else going to bed at their “regular bedtimes”, she stays up half the night cuddling and talking about every little thought that pops into her head. I feel like she’s a toddler again, following me everywhere I go, plastered to my hip.
These next few weeks are just a complete whirlwind of things and I just wish I could sleep through it all. Back-to-school shopping, Alfie’s coming into town because apparently I can’t show my daughter how to take a city bus…, first day of school and then Keirnan’s birthday. A couple weeks later is Kaeidyn’s birthday, then a couple weeks after that is Carter’s birthday, Halloween, my birthday, and then Christmas… It’s a lot of stuff all happening in a short period of time. We haven’t even started yet and I already feel exhausted!