The Writing - For Adults 18+

“Good Morning, Beautiful”

The alarm clock rang loudly, the two bells clanging against the metal, sharp and tinny, echoing off the walls. We both jumped, my hand stretching out and throwing the alarm across the room. A final ding as it hit the floor.

He wrapped his arm tightly around me and nuzzled into my neck, “Good morning, beautiful“, and I cringed into my pillow letting out a dramatic moan. He ran his hand down my stomach and over the front of my thighs, an obvious shudder following his lazy movement. “I know today sucks, but I can get your day off to a good start!“.

He rolled me onto my back, my hair covering my face. He gently wiped it away as he climbed on top of me and then disappeared beneath the blanket. I closed my eyes tightly as his tongue and lips began their journey downwards. He sucked gently on my nipple as he lifted my breast up to his mouth and his hand led the way for his lips down my stomach.

He put his hand between my thighs and opened them slightly, kneeling between them. I held my breath in anticipation and he seemed to hover there forever. I lifted the blanket to check that he was okay and he smiled at me before delving in for a taste.

He moaned as he consumed me sending a solid vibration through my already glistening body. My back arched involuntarily and he wrapped his hands up around my hips, his tongue beginning to lap soothingly at my very wet pussy. I tossed my head back and forth, half in disbelief and half still dramatically upset over being awoken. He moaned again and I melted.

He let his finger travel over my clit, followed quickly by his tongue as his finger slowly slid in me. He turned his fingers around, so they were facing up instead of down, and let another finger follow. As his fingers skillfully tugged at the top of my vagina, he sucked rhythmically on my clit, fluctuating between gentle and hard.

He moved his other hand over the bottom of my stomach, pinning my hips down to the bed, pushing my pubic mound up. He tugged with his fingers as if he was reaching for this hand on my belly all the while sucking my clit. The blankets were held tightly in my clenched white fists and he just kept sucking and tugging.

I threw off the blanket and grabbed a fistful of his hair. Pulling him off my clit, he smiled up at me and then quickly pulled his fingers out of me. I went stiff as a board and he placed his strong hands on my thighs, and he held them open as I began squirting, thrashing about with all of my might.

I collapsed back on the bed, drenched in sweat, thighs covered in my own juices and he tapped my clit gently, causing me to flinch and twitch, until my whole body relaxed and my heartbeat steadied. He sat and watched as I came down from it all, rubbing his hands along my calves and thighs.

As my eyes closed, he slid his fingers back in me, this time more forcefully. He flicked his two fingers quickly within me and again I arched my back fiercely, holding myself up on my elbows, as his fingers moved faster. He reached up for my breast, his hand just grazing my nipple and I screamed out his name.

He quickly pulled his fingers out of me and thrust his cock into me as my juices spurted out around him. Thrust after thrust, and it just kept coming. I began to shiver as the final wave swept over me and he pulled me in close to him, my lips on his neck. I wrapped my legs around his waist and grabbed tightly onto his ass as he pushed deeper and deeper into me.

He lifted up to kiss me and put his hand around my throat. My hands wrapped around his forearm as he put just the slightest pressure under my chin and he whispered, “I’m cumming“, as he thrust forward, holding himself deep inside of me, unloading as he held me by the throat. He rocked gently as the last drops left him and I pushed against him with my thighs.

He pulled out of me, releasing me, as I began to cum, squirting out my own juices and his. He rubbed his hand back and forth over the wet opening and my tender swollen clit and I convulsed frantically beneath him. My hips lifted clear off the bed, my whole body pulsing.

I collapsed drearily back onto my pillow. He climbed on top of me, brushed the hair out of my face and wiped a solitary drop of sweat from my eyebrow. He kissed me softly and whispered, “Good morning, beautiful“. I smiled, “Yes. Yes it was!“.

This post is intended for adults 18+

Back to Authenticity

Ever since my serious bout of depression, I’ve been a person who spends a lot of time analyzing my emotions or problems or symptoms, until I can understand their source. I don’t think I was ever taught this particular tool in any of the counselling I had ever been through – usually the focus was on eliminating the worry entirely from the get-go, like the common “worry about it later” strategy. I find the whole method flawed because eventually, I have to let myself worry and then what do I do with that?

So, I decided to spend some time with my worry. Really get to know it. Get to know it so well that it can’t hurt me anymore. I’ve figured out all the possible scenarios, from the good to the absolute worst, so there’s no surprises (though I’m not saying, in anyway, that I don’t come out of it surprised every time!). And while the whole process of worry is probably the worst part of my day-to-day struggle, because I tend to worry about the stupidest things, and while the analyzing only helps to a degree on comfort levels, it’s my process.

So, for weeks now, I’ve been dealing with this lowered sex drive issue. I’ve spent more than a few hours of almost every day contemplating the source of the change. I’ve tried writing so many posts about this, especially through the last few sexperiences, and I just keep getting completely stuck because I haven’t figured it out yet. I haven’t figured out what happened, what changed, or what’s causing it.

The first few days, my theory was one of two things: (1) It burnt out. My sex drive had been in overdrive for so long, I had been so wanting and so desperate for so long, that my body and mind needed a physical break and so I burnt out or (2) It faded away. For even longer than I’ve been blogging, I’ve been talking about a strong desire to have kinky sex and my inability to receive it. I’ve blogged about my complacency towards my “authentic sexual self” on many occasions. I had been so neglectful and so disappointed so many times, that my soul said no and the drive faded away – since it decided it wasn’t being used anyways…

Last night, I was browsing through my Tumblr. And it occurred to me, as it usually does anytime I’m viewing any type of porn, that it’s almost impossible to find stuff that doesn’t involve anal sex in the mainstream easy-to-access porn world. And as you all know, because I talk about it all the time, I’ve always desperately wanted to be an anal whore but the reality is that I don’t really like anal sex very much. I find it to be an uncomfortable experience, both physically and mentally, and I can count the number of times I’ve successfully had anal sex on one hand. As I scrolled through at least a hundred pictures of girls taking it in the ass like champs, it occurred to me that my “authentic sexual self” does not include anal sex.

If I’m being truly honest with myself, the mere fact that The Boyfriend has been able to sustain my interest via his interest for so long, is a serious shock. I have a rule – try everything thricely – and once that’s done and you’ve decided you don’t like it, abandon it. Well, I did my three times, I did more than my three times. Trying to force myself to stay interested in anal sex is keeping me further and further away from being my “authentic sexual self“, especially being that I’m not getting any of the “taboo” things that I want. I’m giving and not receiving and that is not in alignment with authenticity!

Yesterday, The Boyfriend spent the whole day talking about how he has intended to have morning sex and various things have held it back, mostly the fact that I’ve been wearing pants for the last few days. So, he hinted heavily that I should ensure that I made it easy for him and that I did. When he crawled into bed this morning, I felt uninterested. Highly uninterested and half-hoped that he would just fall asleep. I’ve never experienced that before. Although, I’ll have to say that I’m glad that he didn’t!

When he first touched me, I didn’t feel anything anywhere, except for comfort at his touch. No arousal. When he reached between my legs, I was absolutely flabbergasted that I was wet, because I had felt like I was completely un-aroused and dry. The sex was amazing, even as I was half asleep and he was exhausted, the morning spooning is always a great time. We slept for many hours after that wrapped up in each other’s arms and it was a wonderful way to end/start the day (depending on whose perspective you were viewing the day from).

I went for a drive with my Mom this afternoon and sat staring out the window, contemplating. I came home and woke The Boyfriend up and sat, contemplating. Then, a thought came to me. It’s as if my mind and vagina are not communicating at all right now. When I’m aroused mentally, my brain isn’t sending that signal to my vagina. And when my vagina is soaking with arousal, it’s not sending the aroused signal to my brain. It’s as if I’ve disconnected the two organs – where they used to work in tandem and now they’re working separately.

I thought back on the last few sexperiences and how I struggled to describe the type of disconnectedness I felt through the whole thing, even though The Boyfriend was working as hard as he ever does and even though it was enjoyable sex, I just felt so disconnected from the experience of it. And maybe it’s this huge combination of all these things.

Maybe I’ve been too complacent about becoming my “authentic sexual self” and maybe that has caused a major change in the way my brain and genitals communicate. Maybe to correct the situation, I need to re-discover who I am sexually and what my sexuality means. I mean, you do have to take into consideration that sometime ago, I went from defining myself as being “bi-curious” to now defining as “unsure” across the sexual board. Maybe it’s time to be un-unsure!