The Rantings - For Everyone

And… Cue Panic Attack

It is ridiculous to me how much anxiety making grown-up phone calls gives me. When I have to call and book a doctors appointment, it’s like full-out exhaustion-inducing stress. I literally feel the effects of the stress of it all day long. And it’s not like it’s hard or like there’s ever been a bad outcome or like anything bad is going to happen – I can’t explain what it is that stresses me out about it.

Today, I had to call the doctor that will be doing my c-section. They had already had a bunch of appointments booked for me over the next little while, including a late-term ultrasound.

There is nothing that makes me more uneasy and anxious than late term ultrasounds. No matter how many babies I have and how many times I’ve done them, they just give me automatic flashbacks to all the terror and uncertainty of pregnancy with Kaeidyn. I immediately remember 17-year-old me getting my stomach slapped by a doctor and then being told that my baby wasn’t moving and then spending the next few hours in a terrifying rush. I immediately remember the feelings and the fear and the tears and hearing her cry from the first time and just feeling absolutely disconnected from it.

That whole first c-section experience, my first labor experience, just really has left a sour taste on my tongue that has followed me through subsequent pregnancies. And now that we’re doing the c-section and now that we’re not just talking about it but actively booking appointments for it, I’m just bogged down in nerves by it. I just feel like a nervous ball of nervous energy.

And The Boyfriend could not possibly be more distracted. This whole obsession with traveling and camping and becoming wilderness outdoorsman is taking over everything! Literally, I call the doctor and I start lip quivering over how nervous late term ultrasounds make me, and next thing I know he’s planning a camping vacation with the boys – which I’ve been listening to planning and ideas about for three days now! I talk about how we’ve only got a few weeks left until baby is here and the subject swiftly gets changed to the hiking trail he just found that would be so great to do with the boys. His mind is not at all even thinking about baby and c-section and frankly, it is pissing me right off!

You have no idea how many times in the last few weeks, I have to remind him that I won’t be able to do all these things this summer – I will have just gone through major abdominal surgery, I will have just had a baby – and even if those previous two things weren’t happening, I am not an outdoor campy hiking person. You can’t expect me to do 100km of hiking in a summer – which is his ultimate goal right now… And I’m sitting here just like, “Can I have a minute to maybe get over pregnancy first?!?“.

The only time I’ve ever seen him even slightly obsessed with anything half this much is when a new Star Wars movie is coming out. He is just ridiculously obsessed with this camping/hiking idea. It’s all I’ve heard about for a really really long time now. He talks about it non-stop and when he’s not talking about it, he’s sitting on his cellphone literally mapping out trips that he wants to take and places he wants to go. Almost everyday he’s coming home from work with a new area he wants to travel to and a new place he wants to explore and a new campsite he wants to stay at.

On one hand, it’s absolutely freaking adorable. He can be such a passionate Pisces sometimes. On the other hand, can we focus on my pregnancy until it’s over and then be passionately obsessed with other things…?!?