The Rantings - For Everyone

5 Things That Happened During My Hiatus

My hiatus officially began in the fall of 2016 and by Christmas, I had shut down my blog and turned its maintenance feature on. I went silent on social networks for awhile and allowed The Erotic Writers Group (which at the time had about 750 members and of which I am the sole moderator) to run itself. I explained the reasons why in the post Welcome Back… Finally!!!, so today I wanted to tell you about 5 relatively major life events that happened during my hiatus.

  1. Cazzwell’s Birth

    We had hoped it wouldn’t happen in September and he heard us and came on the last day of August. I woke up from contractions in the late afternoon. Kaeidyn insisted we wake The Boyfriend up and he insisted we go straight to the hospital the moment he saw my face.

    In what was called a “precipitous labor” (which Google has informed me means a labor that takes less than 3 hours from start to finish), we welcomed Cazzwell into the world. The first few weeks were an adjustment to say the least. He took awhile getting back up to his birth weight, so there were more doctors visits and home visits than we had been anticipating, which made things more stressful. The kids all wanted to be such big help but hadn’t had much experience with newborns, so lots of heart stopping moments. And, there was a new baby in our house for the first time seven years… So, there was that…

    In the last almost 6 months, he’s grown exceptionally fast. Sprouted his first tooth at 4 months, he sits up all by himself and now he’s figuring out crawling – already up on the hands and knees, kinda rocks himself and then falls forward onto his belly. You’d be amazed at how far across a room he can make it like that! Everywhere we go, all anyone can talk about is how quickly he’s growing up.

  2. I Turned 30

    The best thing about turning 30 was definitely The Boyfriend! After the kids broke my last laptop, he went out and got me a new one. Then, spent the day making me feel like his sexy older woman, because that’s a thing now until he turns 30 (very soon – muwhahaha!). The kids were all sweet before school, waking me up with Happy Birthdays but after school, they were their normal usual bratty selves.

    I had made a lot of plans for things that I wanted to have done in my life by the time I was 30. I wanted to be married – even telling The Boyfriend that if he hadn’t married me by the time I was 30, it wasn’t going to happen. I wanted to have a career and be on my way to owning a home and have my driver’s licence and know where my g-spot is…

    Alas, that was not what coming into 30 has been like, at all. I’m still only common-law and at this point probably always will be. I’m jobless in a rented townhouse being driven around by my much-more-amazing-than-I-deserve boyfriend and I still orgasm from clitoral stimulation only! I honestly thought I would be a lot more upset about it. And I was, on the 13th day of November, devastated. But then, when I woke up the next day, I was washed in gratitude and so far, that is what 30 has been for me. Everyday, I look at what life has given and is giving me and I am just so grateful!

  3. Got a Guitar

    I posted on Facebook that I missed having a guitar. I do it every time I’m without a guitar for any length of time. One of my maternal aunts, who I sadly never talk to anymore, commented asking when I’d be home. A day or two later, she brought over a guitar.

    It’s nothing crazy special and she’s not super amazing, but holding a guitar in my hands again feels really good! I’ve been doing terribly at playing her and am saddened when I think about how much time she spends put away. But it’s been a long time since I’ve played and so often times, it feels like I’m having to relearn everything I already know or like I just absolutely suck. And sometimes, I can have fun in that place where I’m sucking and just go with it and smile, but other times, it just makes me not want to play for a while.

    Plus, none of the people in my house seem to have any respect for a guitar session!! I can play through a lot of things, but lately, it has been exceptionally hard to play through my family.

    From The Boyfriend, who not only doesn’t listen to me play at all (which always bothers me a little bit) but also has to leave the volume up just enough on his games to be completely distracting, to the older children who decide that the moment I start playing is the moment to ask me questions and tell me every detail about whatever game it is they are playing (or in the case of Kaeidyn, which anime she’s watching…) to the baby who apparently isn’t very fond of guitar (or maybe it’s the guitar over top of all the other noises) because I have only had one session so far that wasn’t interrupted by a total tantrum.

  4. Almost Baby #6

    Sometime near the middle of January, we discovered that we were pregnant again. Definitely not what we had wanted or were expecting. I was literally shaking and sweating as I took the second test, because we didn’t trust the first one. We waited a week until we told his sister and mom and then we told the kids. Kaeidyn literally broke down in tears and told us we “can’t have anymore kids!” and only Carter seemed excited. We didn’t tell my mom until…

    Two weeks later, I had a day of some pretty intense cramps and some bleeding and about a week after that, I – as the doctors put it – “expelled the tissue”. I cried hard, really hard. Harder than I had expected to. Not because I was upset that I had lost the baby. That I was mostly relieved by because I don’t feel ready to have a Baby #6. I was upset because I had miscarried. Because I had had to feel it and experience it. Because I couldn’t maintain a life. Because, yet again, I had failed.

    Ultimately, I haven’t been all that affected by it. I spent a few days in a constantly-near-tears state and The Boyfriend was there every time to hold me tight and I came to terms with it relatively easily. Again, not expecting that. I was just saying to The Boyfriend today that I’m glad we weren’t trying, because we aren’t entirely devastated over it. I think if we were trying or even if it was like the other kids where we weren’t necessarily trying but we weren’t doing anything to prevent it, then I think we would have both been ruined by it – I know I would.

  5. #ReDesign2017

    I fell out of love with my blog. It happens more often than I’d like to admit. In the olden days, I would’ve just started a new blog. But I have a domain now, I pay for stuff, I have commitments. So, I undertook the epic challenge of redesigning ValerieRayne.com.

    Honestly, it took a heck of a lot longer than I wanted it to and it was a heck of a lot harder than I was anticipating! Right now though, I’m feeling like it was totally worth it. It inspired me to pick up projects that I had been neglecting, inspired me to start doing #ThrowbackThursdays on Facebook, and I have pages and pages of thoughts and ideas to continue inspiring me. I have fallen back in love with my blog.

    I’ve got lots of plans over the next little while. You’ll see the return of #FridayFavorites and #TumblrFavorites – both even better than they were before. New erotica will be coming your way, especially as The Erotic Writers Group heats up for 2017. I officially started working on The Brighton Tales again and maybe another book *wink*. Some of my biggest goals here this year center around The Sims, The List and The Gallery – all of which I’d like to see a lot more posts in! And as always, I invite you to leave me comments and let me know what you’d like to see more of and I’ll do my best!

The beginning of my life as a 30-year-old mom of five in 2017 (there’s 3 changes in a sentence!) has been filled with ups and downs and weird squiggly lines. It’s been filled with changes and tears and so much gratitude and love. And I’m just so excited glad to be back from my  hiatus. I’m looking forward to 2017 on ValerieRayne.com! Are you?

The Rantings - For Everyone

The One from Six Months Ago…

Sometimes, I write posts that I don’t publish for one reason or another – ultimately because I’m not comfortable sharing whatever publicly or with anyone other than myself. About five or six months ago, I wrote this post and saved it because I wanted to remember those mixed feelings we were having – but I didn’t want to say anything that made it sound like I wanted to be pregnant again.

Now that I am pregnant again, it’s interesting to remember this time in our lives when we thought we couldn’t get pregnant and to remember the fear we felt about another pregnancy. It’s interesting to have those mixed feelings, without the “What If?”. It’s amazing how much happens in a half a year.


I got to play guitar this past weekend. It’s been WAY too long!

Although I haven’t owned a guitar since Kaeidyn was in Kindergarten, I have had access to one anytime I go down to my Mom’s. And even though I’ve strummed it a few times over the last year, I haven’t really played in a good long while. Often I get hung up in how long it’s been and then I’m super self-critical and put the thing down before anything begins.

But, when I was handed the guitar by Mom’s boyfriend (who always hands me the guitar), I felt a little giddy and played around happily. I even sang after a while and enjoyed a good 5 or 6 song long streak, which just hasn’t happened in a while. And even though my fingers burned and my voice quivered, I had a lot of fun, which I wasn’t expecting.

In other news, my period is late. This year has been a menses mess! I’ve been using a period tracker for about two years now (give or take). No matter what, this thing can’t seem to figure me out at all. It doesn’t help that my period is all over the place and can’t figure anything out either… From periods that are lasting way longer and being a lot more painful to multiple months of lateness, it’s just getting exhausting. You’ll never hear anyone wish for menopause as much as I am right now.

The worst part about continually being late, and of course, it’s not continual, it’s sporadic. So, the worst part about being sporadically late, is that every single time it happens, I go through the mixed emotions of “What if I’m pregnant?”. I mean, I haven’t been pregnant yet. As far as The Boyfriend and I are concerned, I can’t get pregnant because if I could, it would’ve happened sometime in the last six years. But it hasn’t. And yet, every single time my period is late, it’s the first thing that pops into my head.

Last time this happened, probably about three months ago, when my period decided to be an entire month late, I was convinced I was pregnant and I was not happy about it. I was devastated and worried and freaking out about the whole situation. The Boyfriend was calm and relaxed and said, “It wouldn’t be the worst thing”, and I was heavily relieved when the test came back negative.

This time around, The Boyfriend had convinced me to wait until his next days off, because he was sure my period would start by then. The day rolled around, today, and still nothing. I have been freaking out for two freaking weeks, because on one hand, I really want to pregnant again. It’s been six years, all our kids are growing up, there would be no better time than now – we’re stable, we’re sane, we’re responsible, we’re doing great in almost all respects – never before have I given life to a child in better conditions than these. Part of me was excited about the prospect of babies and diapers and breastfeeding again. On the other hand, it’s no fun at all bringing a human into the world when no one is excited about it, and I’ve done that a lot…So, I was struggling with the unknown.

So, when he brought home the test, I was pretending to not care at all, but secretly I was hoping that it would come back positive. I was deterred when The Boyfriend made it sound like he was no longer comfortable with the idea and when I went to take the test, I was full of thoughts on the idea of it. And I was taken aback at my immediate anger when the test sat for two minutes and still read negative.

I hate that my period keeps getting my hopes up. I spend much longer than is necessary in a state of doubt and questioning. And then to find out, it’s all for naught and I just wasted $12 – well, it’s incredibly infuriating. It’s especially anger inducing when you’ve spent all this time debating the pros and cons and you’ve spent the last two weeks dreading this day and then it turns out that all your worries are misplaced.

I always enjoyed being pregnant, even when it was insanely hard. I loved it even when it was literally driving me insane. I loved giving birth, even when it never seemed to work out the way I had wanted it to –  a c-section when I wanted a natural birth, a VBAC when I wanted a c-section, a preemie and standing up in the bathroom! I loved, beyond belief, raising these beautiful little babies through toddlerhood and their first years of school, even when I felt used up, exhausted and completely overwhelmed. And as it stands right now, I am loving, beyond belief, experiencing this time with these amazing little humans.

I can’t get over how crushed I am about the negative test, especially as more days march on without any sign of blood.