The Rantings - For Everyone

I Know That It Won’t Last Long

You know it’s been a long time since you last blogged, when your kids start asking, “Mom, why aren’t you working on your blog?!?“.

The biggest reason: I’ve been sick and the baby’s been sick. I spent almost two weeks just feeling right out of sorts, and then the baby is teething and I think had a bit of an ear infection. We’re both on the mend now, but man, were those some rough days. The other kids haven’t gotten sick yet, but they were all saying they could feel it coming today – especially after the last two days of very cold rain.

In my time of sickness, not only did I sleep a lot, I also watched a lot of Netflix, completely curled up on the couch. Documentaries like you wouldn’t believe, which results in me just needing to know everything I can about any given topic – it’s been a little ridiculous. I’ve been a wealth of historical knowledge over the past few days!

I think I’ve also been trying to get used to all the new routines around here and it’s just throwing me off my game. Specifically, now that The Boyfriend’s on these evening shifts, he comes home for lunch. Which means, it’s really nice for me to have dinner on the table when he gets home (I don’t have to, it’s just nice). The whole kids coming home from school (and the anxiety and stress that that always seems to bring me) to having to get dinner ready earlier, has been such a huge adjustment. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to this place where it doesn’t feel like the most overwhelming part of my life!

However, having The Boyfriend around so much while I’m awake – that is a hugely welcome change. Even if all we do is sit and do nothing, it’s nice to have him there. It’s really been great to get to sleep with him at night. I still haven’t fully gotten used to him coming off nights, and so often forget that he’s going to be in bed with me. More than once, he’s looked at me in utter confusion as I talk about wishing he’d be there to keep me warm. He does have a week of upcoming graveyard shifts, which I’m dreading entirely, but it’ll be the last one. Maybe then I’ll get it through my head ūüėČ

The kids have all been doing so wonderful, I’m actually a little surprised. From helping to take care of me and Cazz when we were sick, to be totally understanding about our lack of finances right now, to helping out around the house and even enjoying the heck out of school. The most we’ve had to deal with is Kenzie having minor meltdowns shortly after getting home from school (which I know are a result of him waking up too early in the morning) and Keirnan not being capable of using his brain (which I know is the age that he’s at, because Kenzie and Kaeidyn both went through the same thing – where they just suddenly¬†don’t have common sense for a little bit. You tell them, “Put the dishes away” and they literally need step-by-step instructions to get through a draining rack!!! I blame it on horomones!). Otherwise, it’s been pretty amazing!

I know that it won’t last long…
Kaeidyn is quickly coming up on her 13th birthday. I can remember 13 so well.
I know that it won’t last long…
Kenzie’s in middle school now, it’s his first year. That’s always so rough.
I know that it won’t last long…
Keirnan’s the oldest in the school now. He gets to be big brother.
I know that it won’t last long…
Carter’s gonna really start feeling the pressure of school this year.
I know that it won’t last long…
Cazzwell’s going to start walking any day now. And getting into everything!
I know that it won’t last long…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Down Three Kids

Well, we dropped the three older kids off yesterday. The drive out to Leduc was nice and the highways were clear. The kids were all pretty tired, so they mostly dozed or sat quietly in the back. Even though we got lost in Leduc (mainly because The Boyfriend and I never trust my navigating instincts – mainly because I’ve proven I suck at it), it was a good time and the kids were all super excited to get to go to their Dad’s, or in Carter’s case, get rid of the kids.

The Boyfriend went to sleep once we got home because he had to work that night and my plan was to stay up with Carter. About an hour later, I was dozing off on the couch while Carter played games. He must’ve realized how tired I was because he sat down quietly next to me and let me nap for the next two hours and it was beautiful. Then we had my brother over and Carter had a great night hanging out with Uncle.

Today, The Boyfriend and I ended up sleeping basically the entire day away. Just couldn’t wake ourselves up for anything. Luckily, my brother stuck around and played with Carter and it was a generally great sleep. I feel a lot more rested now than I have in a while.

Honestly, I’ve been feeling all sorts of exhausted, all the time. It doesn’t help that I’m not eating properly, not getting out of the house enough, basically not taking very good care of myself AND that my sleep schedule has shifted from normal to graveyard. I’ve been finding it very hard to fall asleep any earlier than six in the morning, even when I head up to bed hours earlier. And while this is the most routine sleep schedule that I’ve been on in years, I can just feel it kicking my ass.

Once I’m awake, I just don’t want to do anything, at all. Motivating myself to do any of the things that I’m supposed to be doing is incredibly difficult right now. All I want to do is wrap myself up in warmth and veg. And I spend all of that time that I’m vegging, beating myself up for not doing all the things that I’m supposed to be doing. Of course, instead of just getting up off my ass and doing those things, I just sit there down-talking myself and my actions. It’s unproductive and adds to the exhausted feeling.

In other, less depressing news, we’ve got big plans to get the house cleaned while we’re down three kids. I’ve already decided that we’re taking a portion of our gift cards to get ourselves a device that will make our floors easier to clean. We’ve been using mops but we haven’t been able to find one that works good enough. So, I want to look for other options for getting these floors clean. I’m also hoping that we’ll finally take all the broken or unused pieces of furniture to the dump, because it’s been on my to-do list all year and¬†it’s absolutely time. We can’t start replacing all the crap stuff until we get rid of it!

I’m not sure how long the kids are going to be gone at this point. I like to play it by ear instead of setting a specific date. Sometimes, I end up missing the kids a lot and want them back sooner. Sometimes, plans get made and it’s easier to have them stay longer. Sometimes, their Dad needs to send them home earlier or wants to keep them an extra couple days. Sometimes, the weather is bad. So, we play it by ear. I know it’s going to be at least a week and The Boyfriend has a couple of those days off, so we should be able to go all of my cleaning to-do list done and I’m quite excited about it.

But for today, he has one night off and for him, that means it’s a gaming night. I’m glad to have him distracted right now because for the last couple of nights, all he’s wanted to do is talk about is Star Wars. While I have great respect for Star Wars and would consider myself a fan, I’m nowhere near obsessed as he is and it is incredibly exhausting to “fake” interest. And I put “fake” in quotations because it’s not that I’m faking, it’s that I’m not nearly as interested as he is.

For example, I don’t care enough to watch every trailer before the release of the movie. I figure, I’ll see the movie when it comes out. I don’t care to pick apart those trailers to try to figure out the movie before it’s released. I figure, I’ll see the movie when it comes out and figure it out at that point (and all the times that I watch it after that first time…). However, that stuff is exciting for him and important to his experience. So, I pay attention to what he’s telling me so that I can ask him questions about those interests, “faking” this extreme interest, because it’s important for him to be able to share that experience with me. It’s one of my favorite parts of being me in a relationship, but I sure do love getting a break!

Now I just have to figure out what I’m going to do while he’s gaming it up ūüėČ

It’s the Stuck in a Rut Blues…

I am stuck in a writing rut! I have written a ridiculous amount of content that will essentially be trashed because it is such a disorganized mess that I can barely remember what I was trying to do. I’ve been having a hard time writing what I want to write and instead tend to go off on these little tangents that lead nowhere and I basically keep saying the same things over and over again. And tonight, I am putting my foot down and forcing myself to complete at least one post and publish it!

So, here goes it…

The countdown to Christmas is officially on. One minute, I’m okay with it. The next minute, I am sighing and throwing my hands up because I feel so utterly overwhelmed by it. Alfie wants to take the kids again this year and even though I said last year and the year before and all the years before that that it wasn’t going to happen this year, I ended up saying yes. I thought I would feel worse about it but it’s actually bringing me a great deal of relief to think that we’ll only have to do Christmas with Carter.

Thank goodness for The Boyfriend too around this time, because he absolutely takes over the Christmas shopping. He gets such a kick out of shopping for toys and knows exactly what the kids are talking about when they say they want “this” and “that” thing. Really, I don’t know why I despise these holidays so much when basically everyone around me takes over everything that would typically be my responsibility. Luckily, I am aware of how incredibly blessed I am!

The kids are all doing really great and it’s weird that I don’t have more complaints about them. But they’ve been seriously amazing lately. Yeah sure, they’re still kids and I know that Kaeidyn’s gotten in trouble a few times over the last couple of days because of her attitude, but for the most part, it’s been awesome with them. Everyone has been super cuddly lately, they’ve all been helping a lot with the cleaning (even if they are making destructive messes everywhere everyday… They at least help clean it up!), and I’ve even gotten a couple nights this week off of making dinner because Kaeidyn and Kenzie have been enjoying making it!

Although, now that I read back over the last two paragraphs, I realize that I have been incredibly lazy this last little while. No real surprise there, especially being that it’s winter. And let’s not kid ourselves, I realize that I’m lazy every single day! But I’ve definitely noticed I’ve been more lazy lately. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I haven’t slept at night for weeks now. Both The Boyfriend and I have been on the graveyard shift – him because it’s his job, me because I tend to do whatever he does where sleep is concerned. So, he sleeps during the day, I end up sleeping during the day. He’s awake all night, I end up being awake all night.

As it is, it’s 4:30 in the morning and neither of us seems to be anywhere near ready for bed…

I’ve been kicking myself in the butt hard about this sleep schedule. As someone who has suffered with sleep problems for over a decade, I know what I’m supposed to be doing to combat them. Straight up though, I have never slept better than I have been sleeping lately – it’s just terrible when it comes to the hours that I’m awake. And not because I’m tired during those hours, it’s just that I’m incredibly lazy during those hours. Like, I simply do not have the energy or desire to do anything.

And it’s especially bad when I get on the computer. Normally, I get on here and within minutes, I’ve found something to do – what that something is is different every time, but I find something. Lately, I get on here and five hours later, I realize that I’ve done nothing but reload the page I’m on over and over again. Maybe I’ve clicked around and typed up a paragraph of rambles or played the level I’ve been stuck on for over a year on Candy Crush Saga a few times, but mostly, I’ve just stared at the page, reloading, stuck in this damnable rut!