The Rantings - For Everyone

Master Procrastinator’s Funk

I feel like I’m finally beginning to come out of the funk I feel like I’ve been in for the better part of a month.

Don’t ask me where exactly it was coming from, don’t ask me what was causing it and definitely don’t ask me how I’m managing to come out of it, because I have answers for none of these questions.

It seems like it happens when a series of things feel like failures to me. I get sick after the baby gets sick. I anticipated it and yet, did nothing to prepare. So, for three days, I laid on the couch doing nothing but whining about my sickness – while the world continued to move on around me.

The world of five kids and a partner who is working so hard outside of the house and procrastinators all around, and the world where Mom is too miserable to do anything. So, the dishes pile up and the garbage overflows and the clean laundry ends up all over the floor and no one is eating properly and everyone is just plain moody.

And then I get over my sickness and I realize how disgusting the house is and how unhappy everyone is, and how now I gotta clean all this shit up. And we know I’ll never get to it, because I’m me and just because I play the role of “The Cleaner”, doesn’t mean I’m actually good at it. Master Procrastinator is actually my superhero name!

And the to-do list just becomes so overwhelming that I can’t help but be completely rundown by it. Just emotionally and mentally exhausted. It gets to the point where the only thing I can even bring myself to do is click on decks of cards in Solitaire, in an attempt to numb my brain of all the crap that is going up there…

I’ve heard some people say that being a parent, especially a Mother, is the hardest job in the world. However, I’d like to clarify that being a homemaker – in the most basic sense of the word – is the hardest job in the world.

Sure, raising kids is hard. But it’s incredibly intuitive. It all comes to you by instinct. Well, that and common-sense. Yes, it’s overwhelming and exhausting in its own right. Yes, you have to actively put effort and time into it. Yes, it’s not easy at all.

But take away all the homemaking aspects, and it becomes a lot easier. Take away the bills to pay, take away the rent. Take away school and schedules and making and preparing meals that are not only, to some degree nutritious, but that your kids will also eat. Take away housecleaning and laundry and dishes for days. Take away all these things, and the job becomes a heck of a lot less overwhelming, time-consuming, mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Add into it my own self-imposed deadlines for stuff that I’m supposed to be getting done online – stuff that I started, stuff that I want to work on, stuff that I want to finish – and yet, with those deadlines looming I just feel paralyzed every time I try to get anything done. I’ve written before about staring at the screen just mindlessly clicking through tabs, not able to focus on anything for longer than half a second. Just feeling bogged down by it.

Ugh, I’m going to get over it all. I swear. It seems like one day I’ve got a handle on all of it, and then the next day I just can’t do anything. I hate these times…

The Rantings - For Everyone

9 Things You May Not Know About Me

Some of you may have been reading my blogs for years and some of you may have only just found me.¬†Some of you may know me from real life and some of you may have chatted with me online. Almost all of you will know that there’s not that much that you don’t already know about me, but just in case, here’s 9¬†Things You May Not Know About Me!

  1. I’m a Smoker

    Hello, my name is Valerie Rayne, and I am a smoker… I am not proud of the fact that I smoke and have quit in the past only to pick up the bad habit once more. I have every intention of quitting, someday soon-ish, although my almost two pack a day consumption is hardly convincing anyone. I had my first cigarette when I was 11-years-old and was later caught by my school principal. I vowed never to smoke again and then there was Alfie. That was almost 13 years ago… I’m a smoker.

  2. My Body is Full of Scars

    First, I’ve had 4 babies. Don’t even get me started on the stretch marks, some that are hard to believe are now over 10 years old! My first, Kaeidyn, was an emergency c-section which was absolutely butchered by the surgeon – left me with a crooked line with a dent in the middle, separating my stomach from my pubic mound! Then, in my early twenties, during a serious battle with depression, self-mutilation ran rampant over the flesh of my thighs and arms. My body is full of scars.

  3. I’ve Failed… A Lot…

    It all began my first year of high school and physical education was mandatory and I was just not feeling the whole physical thing. It didn’t take long before my high grades quickly followed that first “F” into the abyss of failure. After a huge setback in Grade 12, I dropped out 2 weeks into my graduating year. I enrolled in a community college of sorts, dropped out a few months later because there was no babysitter backup plan. I’ve been evicted, homeless, on welfare, fired from jobs, broke, broken and I’ve failed… a lot…!

  4. I’m a Serial Monogamist

    I have basically been in long-term relationships since I turned 14. My first love and I dated for 2 1/2 years and experienced all of the “firsts” together. Approximately 8 months went by before I met Alfie. We were together for almost 6 years (give or take, being that we broke up for a few weeks here or there and for a pregnancy) – albeit, we weren’t exactly monogamous. Alfie and I had only been broken up for a few weeks when The Boyfriend and I got together, and we just surpassed our 7 year anniversary. I’m a serial monogamist.

  5. I Suffer from Depression

    After I became pregnant with Kaeidyn, I began experiencing extreme bouts of depression. This has twice landed me in mental institutions, once for an overdose and once for self-mutilation. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Although I dip into “funks” almost every other month, I have been virtually symptom free for over five years without medication. I suffer from depression.

  6. I’m on YouTube

    Not many people know this about me and I think it’s the one thing people find most shocking about me. I’ve recorded a few covers and put them up there (although none of them are as good as the ones I used to have on there, but now have no access to…) and I’m also in the recordings of the hangouts that The Erotic Writers Group did back in 2013. One day, I plan on going back to making videos and I often mean to and then forget entirely, however I’m on YouTube…

  7. I’m Scared of Everything…

    Little birds, ducks, loud noises, thunderstorms, just to name a few. Spiders and dirt and tall grass and deep water. Seaweed and algae, racing heartbeats and stomach aches. Basements and attics, outdoors at night. New foods, new people, new technology, new anything. I have mini panic attacks over simple fears and I find new things to be afraid of everyday. Sometimes, I can work through my fear and deal with it, sometimes I break down and sob like the world is ending. I’m scared of everything!

  8. I Have No Friends

    I have family. I have boyfriends and ex-boyfriends and their families. These people I consider to be my best friends, the ones who will be there for me and love me through everything. I have Facebook friends, mostly people I know through my brother or sister, definitely not people I regularly associate with. I have online friends, where I only know them online and have only ever talked online. Acquaintances more than friends. I find friendship to be a very difficult thing – from the making to the keeping – and I’m not sure I’m complaining. Therefore, I have no friends.

  9. I’m a Picky Eater

    I’ve always been a picky eater. It’s something I desperately want to get over but I just can’t seem to do it. I like potatoes, eggs and rice, beef, pork and chicken, breads, gravy and corn. That’s pretty much it. I’ll eat a few other fruits or vegetables throughout the seasons and get a serious craving for broccoli at least once a year, but other than that, I like to keep it really basic. I don’t like spicy foods or sweet foods, I’m not a huge fan of savory foods and only rarely have a desire for salty foods. I’m a picky eater.

So, there’s 9 things you may not have known about me. Did you find any of them surprising or did you already know them all? Maybe I’ll come up with more things, but at this time, I can’t think of anything you wouldn’t already know. Hope you enjoyed ūüėČ