I feel like I’m finally beginning to come out of the funk I feel like I’ve been in for the better part of a month.
Don’t ask me where exactly it was coming from, don’t ask me what was causing it and definitely don’t ask me how I’m managing to come out of it, because I have answers for none of these questions.
It seems like it happens when a series of things feel like failures to me. I get sick after the baby gets sick. I anticipated it and yet, did nothing to prepare. So, for three days, I laid on the couch doing nothing but whining about my sickness – while the world continued to move on around me.
The world of five kids and a partner who is working so hard outside of the house and procrastinators all around, and the world where Mom is too miserable to do anything. So, the dishes pile up and the garbage overflows and the clean laundry ends up all over the floor and no one is eating properly and everyone is just plain moody.
And then I get over my sickness and I realize how disgusting the house is and how unhappy everyone is, and how now I gotta clean all this shit up. And we know I’ll never get to it, because I’m me and just because I play the role of “The Cleaner”, doesn’t mean I’m actually good at it. Master Procrastinator is actually my superhero name!
And the to-do list just becomes so overwhelming that I can’t help but be completely rundown by it. Just emotionally and mentally exhausted. It gets to the point where the only thing I can even bring myself to do is click on decks of cards in Solitaire, in an attempt to numb my brain of all the crap that is going up there…
I’ve heard some people say that being a parent, especially a Mother, is the hardest job in the world. However, I’d like to clarify that being a homemaker – in the most basic sense of the word – is the hardest job in the world.
Sure, raising kids is hard. But it’s incredibly intuitive. It all comes to you by instinct. Well, that and common-sense. Yes, it’s overwhelming and exhausting in its own right. Yes, you have to actively put effort and time into it. Yes, it’s not easy at all.
But take away all the homemaking aspects, and it becomes a lot easier. Take away the bills to pay, take away the rent. Take away school and schedules and making and preparing meals that are not only, to some degree nutritious, but that your kids will also eat. Take away housecleaning and laundry and dishes for days. Take away all these things, and the job becomes a heck of a lot less overwhelming, time-consuming, mentally and emotionally exhausting.
Add into it my own self-imposed deadlines for stuff that I’m supposed to be getting done online – stuff that I started, stuff that I want to work on, stuff that I want to finish – and yet, with those deadlines looming I just feel paralyzed every time I try to get anything done. I’ve written before about staring at the screen just mindlessly clicking through tabs, not able to focus on anything for longer than half a second. Just feeling bogged down by it.
Ugh, I’m going to get over it all. I swear. It seems like one day I’ve got a handle on all of it, and then the next day I just can’t do anything. I hate these times…