The Rantings - For Everyone

I Know That It Won’t Last Long

You know it’s been a long time since you last blogged, when your kids start asking, “Mom, why aren’t you working on your blog?!?“.

The biggest reason: I’ve been sick and the baby’s been sick. I spent almost two weeks just feeling right out of sorts, and then the baby is teething and I think had a bit of an ear infection. We’re both on the mend now, but man, were those some rough days. The other kids haven’t gotten sick yet, but they were all saying they could feel it coming today – especially after the last two days of very cold rain.

In my time of sickness, not only did I sleep a lot, I also watched a lot of Netflix, completely curled up on the couch. Documentaries like you wouldn’t believe, which results in me just needing to know everything I can about any given topic – it’s been a little ridiculous. I’ve been a wealth of historical knowledge over the past few days!

I think I’ve also been trying to get used to all the new routines around here and it’s just throwing me off my game. Specifically, now that The Boyfriend’s on these evening shifts, he comes home for lunch. Which means, it’s really nice for me to have dinner on the table when he gets home (I don’t have to, it’s just nice). The whole kids coming home from school (and the anxiety and stress that that always seems to bring me) to having to get dinner ready earlier, has been such a huge adjustment. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to this place where it doesn’t feel like the most overwhelming part of my life!

However, having The Boyfriend around so much while I’m awake – that is a hugely welcome change. Even if all we do is sit and do nothing, it’s nice to have him there. It’s really been great to get to sleep with him at night. I still haven’t fully gotten used to him coming off nights, and so often forget that he’s going to be in bed with me. More than once, he’s looked at me in utter confusion as I talk about wishing he’d be there to keep me warm. He does have a week of upcoming graveyard shifts, which I’m dreading entirely, but it’ll be the last one. Maybe then I’ll get it through my head ūüėČ

The kids have all been doing so wonderful, I’m actually a little surprised. From helping to take care of me and Cazz when we were sick, to be totally understanding about our lack of finances right now, to helping out around the house and even enjoying the heck out of school. The most we’ve had to deal with is Kenzie having minor meltdowns shortly after getting home from school (which I know are a result of him waking up too early in the morning) and Keirnan not being capable of using his brain (which I know is the age that he’s at, because Kenzie and Kaeidyn both went through the same thing – where they just suddenly¬†don’t have common sense for a little bit. You tell them, “Put the dishes away” and they literally need step-by-step instructions to get through a draining rack!!! I blame it on horomones!). Otherwise, it’s been pretty amazing!

I know that it won’t last long…
Kaeidyn is quickly coming up on her 13th birthday. I can remember 13 so well.
I know that it won’t last long…
Kenzie’s in middle school now, it’s his first year. That’s always so rough.
I know that it won’t last long…
Keirnan’s the oldest in the school now. He gets to be big brother.
I know that it won’t last long…
Carter’s gonna really start feeling the pressure of school this year.
I know that it won’t last long…
Cazzwell’s going to start walking any day now. And getting into everything!
I know that it won’t last long…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Waiting for Sunday

These last few days have seemed incredibly long.

It’s probably because The Boyfriend has had me up out of bed before 8 AM, and then the day doesn’t end for me until after midnight. That’s a long ass day! I’ve also been able to get a lot done in those hours and still have hours left over to just sit and do nothing, so that is adding to the long feeling.

The older kids come home this Sunday, and save for the fact that I already know they’ve got back-to-school on their brains, I’m really excited about them finally being home. We hadn’t planned for them to be out there this long this time around, but it just worked out that way, and I started missing them awhile back. So this last little bit has just been impatiently waiting for their return.

It’s just been Cazzwell and Carter at home for the last little while. You’d think it would be easier, but my almost year old baby is a huge handful. Honestly, it’s easier with all the kids home because they can help keep him entertained. Carter only has so much patience for a baby before he’s like, “Well, you’re boring!“. And he is starting to move a lot, like hard to catch, move a lot. I feel like I spend my days right now chasing him around and telling him “No“, over and over again. He’s also been screwing with his sleep schedule, so that’s been a terrible way to end my days, because he normally ends on a grumpy note.

After tonight, The Boyfriend has another two days off. I always love when his holidays work out in such a way where his first week back at work is mostly days off. I think it’s been something like 2 days on, 2 days off, 2 days on, 2 days off – something like that. On the one hand, it sucks because he spends almost all of those days tuckered from giving up sleep here and replacing it there and screwing with his sleep schedule (maybe that’s where the baby gets it from…), but on the other hand, it’s great because it feels like he’s around a lot more.

So we’ve made plans for Sunday to go for a drive. In his hunts for places to go he’s come across Ram River Falls and his Mom has basically mapped out a cool road for us to check out, so it sounds like we’re going to be trying that out. And tomorrow, we’ve got big cleaning plans so that I can have the back of our van back – which hasn’t really been gone through since we got it back from when it was stolen. I imagine tomorrow is going to be long and stressful and then the next day, adventurous and awesome!

Honestly, just writing it all out has made me ready for bed…

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Holidays Are Over

The Boyfriend officially went back to work last night after a week long holiday.

We dropped the kids off at Alfie’s a few days before he started holidays. It was such a good drive out there and the kids absolutely loved having all the room in the truck. The drive home was long and boring and it felt so good to finally be home.

It seemed like almost as soon as we dropped the kids off, our days got really busy. We’d wake up to messages or phonecalls early in the morning and then be gone from the house all day. For almost an entire week straight, we did stuff almost every single day.

We spent one day at Gull Lake, which ended up not being as fun as we were hoping it would be, but also ended up being an absolutely great time. The plan was to go out on this big inflatable island that everyone’s been obsessing about. But everyone ended up being more interested on sitting on the beach or playing in the water. It was quite a gross muggy day and it was really smoky from all the fires out in BC, so I mostly laid in the sun.

Then, we did another Drumheller trip so that The Boyfriend’s Dad could see it. We even got to go see the hoodoos – which were exciting but again, not like what I had built it up in my head to be. It was ridiculously hot when we went and everyone else seemed to have way more energy than me. At one point, the whole family was up climbing on these rocky hills, where everyone was climbing, and I was just standing on the little platform watching them. The museum was pretty much the same, except this time we only had two kids to pay attention to, so we were actually able to read some of the signage and such. By the end of that day, I was very sore! Lots and lots and lots of walking – and unlike last time, I wore my flip flops this time, which is not a good idea when you’re going on an adventure…

We also did another Crescent Falls trip. Normally the drive into the falls really scares me – it’s pretty steep and the road is gravel and it gets really narrow and curves. You even have to drive through water at one point. We’ve been there so many times now though that I took the drive into the falls like it was nothing.

The Boyfriend and Carter went on a 3-hour long hike to get to “the other falls” – although again, I think everyone was expecting it to be way more exciting than it was, so came back a little defeated. I hung out on the rocks by the river with Cazzwell for all that time. Thankfully, my mom-in-law is a genius and somehow manages to create something out of nothing, and we weren’t sitting in the sun all day, because it was an incredibly hot day. It cooled off fast in the evening, but during the day, sweltering!

We also went out for an adults-only dinner – which was super nice. The Boyfriend got dressed up in his vest and had recently picked me out a pair of heels, so I even got dressed up to go – wore a dress and heels in public for the first time in a really long time, like stupid long time! It was nice to feel fancy, even if we looked totally out of place among all the other dinner-goers.

It’s been so nice being down the three kids just for the sake of cleaning. Cazzwell is officially at the age where he’s getting into everything. He’s figured out how to climb the stairs, he crawls off the couch and he moves really fast. Plus, everything (and I mean, everything!) goes into his mouth. He pulls things off shelves to put in his mouth, he squeezes underneath of things to find something to put in his mouth. And his toys (which he barely has any of), end up absolutely everywhere. How did it get it in the bathroom? I don’t know, he’s never even been in there. But somehow, his toy is…

Dishes has been the greatest break. Doing one load of dishes a day and being completely done them is so much better than doing three loads of dishes a day and still having some left (that you forgot on the stove…). So much nicer when a plastic container meant for leftovers isn’t used as a bowl for cereal or when a fork is used as a fork instead of replacing a spoon that people were too lazy to wash. It always drives me nuts that over the years I’ve collected about 14 – 16 plates, and a family of 6 should theoretically need no more than 6 of those a day – and yet, at the end of the day when they’re all home, my sink is filled with 14 – 16 plates… It’s so much nicer to just have to wash a couple of those a day than all of them.

I’m definitely looking forward to the kids coming home. I started missing them really fast this time and especially with us going out so much and doing things so much. I always feel bad when they miss out on these big family adventures – even though, a) they’re having their own family adventures up there and b) they’re normally not that interested in our big family adventures. But I still hate when they miss it! I don’t even know right now when they will be coming home – a bunch of dates have been thrown out. Basically, once their family reunion is over.

However, I’m also not looking forward to the kids coming home because once they do, it’s almost immediately time to start getting ready for school. Have I ever told you how much I absolutely hate back-to-school? It’s probably my most hated time of year, because it is just so mind-numbingly stressful. It’s scream-into-your-pillow kinda stressful, cry-yourself-to-sleep kinda stressful, hate-the-world kinda stressful. This year has the added stress of another kid entering middle school. I’m just not looking forward to all that stress!

The Rantings - For Everyone

So Excited!!!

Before we get started: Did you notice the change?!? 

If you’ve been here before, you’ll notice that the theme has been updated! I was starting to become bored with the old one and just wasn’t finding inspiration in it. So, after saving this one over a month ago as an option, I finally just took the plunge and did it! Glad I did too, because I realized that there’s some things I need to work on updating – so that’s mostly what I’ve been up to and you’ll probably notice little changes over the coming days.

But now, onto the reason for this post…


I’m so excited!!! Like giddy and restless kind of excited. It’s kinda exciting ūüėČ

I’m excited for a lot of reasons. First and foremost, 3 out of 5 of the kids are going away for a couple weeks. I’m super excited about it because 4 boys is a lot of work – like, a lot of work. They have a lot of energy and they all like being near each other, but can’t stand each other, so it’s been a lot of playfighting and arguing and “It wasn’t me, It was him“‘s. My brain and body could definitely use the break!

Part of the major excitement surrounding getting rid of the kids is getting to drive them out to their Dad’s. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away, so to drop them off is an almost 5 hour trip. Most of the time we try to work out dropping them off halfway. But, The Boyfriend and I have been desperate to take a long highway trip in the rental truck that we got after the van was stolen.

We hate that we love this thing so much. When we got our van, it was my dream vehicle. He wanted something sportier, but partially practicality and partially because he likes to make dreams come true, we got the van. And she’s “our baby” and we love her. But… this truck is pretty darn incredible.

I hate that I like a truck. I am not a truck person. However, driving this thing is amazing! I’m in love with the digital speedometer (something I never thought I’d enjoy, but really use a lot through school zones – as I have a tendency to go too slow through them), there is a row of three seats in the front (which I really love for the kids and because I’ve always dreamed of sitting cuddled up next to my lover on long drives), and the thing drives beautifully. Responsive, fast, powerful.

Then, The Boyfriend has two nights off. Works two nights and then begins his week-long holiday. I am so excited! To the point where it’s the only thing we have talked about for days. Every time I ask him to, “Tell me something interesting“, his first response is, “Almost holidays!!!“. And we’ll be down 3 kids for his holidays! Did I tell you yet, I’m totally super excited!!!

We don’t really have any plans for the holiday. He really wants to do camping again, just me and him and the kids that will be here – Carter’s really wanting to go again too. I’ve told him I’m definitely down, but who knows if we’ll get up that kind of energy. He also really wants to go for a drive to the mountains and has spent a huge majority of his time looking at maps to see what catches his interest. His Dad is also in town for part of his holidays, so there will be lots of family time ahead of us.

I imagine that it won’t be much of a relaxing week, but it’ll be great to have him around and especially in my bed every night!

The Rantings - For Everyone

One Hell of a Week

Let me just start by telling you, this has been one hell of a week…

We’ll start with camping. The drive out there seemed to take forever and I was absolutely shocked at how well The Boyfriend did considering he had worked the night before and hadn’t gotten any sleep yet. It took us longer than we had hoped to get out of town, but we kinda figured that would happen. The older three kids ended up staying at friends’ houses, so we only had to take the younger two boys with us – which meant that our van had tons of room for all the stuff.

The drive into Crescent Falls, down a windy gravel road that looked as if it was tearing away at the edges, had both Carter and I gripping onto our seats and he was frantically telling Daddy that he didn’t like “this“. It took us a bit to find where the family had begun setting up the campsite and both Carter and I felt great relief when the van finally came to a stop.

It took awhile to get everything all set up – we had two tents to get assembled, air mattresses and an inflatable pool (which made the most awesome playpen for Cazzwell) and getting the fire going while we were all distracted by the beautiful spot we had picked out – it was a few hours before we finally got to set out our camping chairs and sit around the fire, ready to eat the corn on the cob and hamburgers we had to cook in creative ways since a few bags had been left behind.

The night seemed to go on forever. We stayed up into the wee hours of the night, until the sky was finally dark and there wasn’t a space in it without stars. I gripped onto The Boyfriend tightly and breathed through the fear. He said, “When you’re ready to go to the tent, just let me know” and I responded, “You will not hear me say I am ready to go to the tent, so you just let me know!“.

I was most surprised at how easily I fell asleep. The water was incredibly loud and you could hear all sorts of bugs and creatures making chirping noises. It was also freezing cold – I was wearing two sweaters, two pairs of pants, and slept with two blankets on and was still cold. But tucked in between The Boyfriend and Carter on one side and Cazzwell on the other, their rhythmic breathing and combined heat – not to mention the little solar light that was placed outside our tent flashing in a way that reminded me of an alarm clock – I ended up falling asleep within no time. I woke up a couple times during the night, but didn’t have any problems falling back asleep.

The morning was probably my favorite time. The Boyfriend got up with the kids and let me stay sleeping in the tent, as the sun rose and the fire was started and everyone began waking up. By the time he came to wake me up for breakfast, I felt utterly refreshed and was absolutely surprised that I walked out of the tent with a smile on my face!

It wasn’t long before we were packing up to head home. The whole thing just whizzed by us. We had hardly had a chance to really enjoy anything and The Boyfriend was incredibly upset that we hadn’t gotten to go out and explore once. Packing up the camp was super easy and we were all really excited to be back on the road. I even got to drive a huge part of the way back home and everyone in the car fell asleep – which made me feel like a great driver. We got home, we were exhausted!!!

We unpacked what needed to be unpacked from the van right away, left the rest and went to bed. Sleep came so easily for all of us and it was a deep sleep. The kids had school the next morning and The Boyfriend woke up to get everyone out the door. He looks out the back window and realizes the van isn’t there. Ensue panic…

I get woken up and after he’s already called the cops to report the van missing, I realize that my laptop isn’t where I left it. Nor is my phone. And then I remember that my brand new camera, that we had just bought for camping, was plugged into the laptop and is also nowhere to be found. The cops get called again for an update and then insurance and car rental place and just ugh…

Honestly, I’ve never been so glad that absolutely all of that stuff is entirely in The Boyfriend’s name, because he had to make all the phone calls and deal with all the people. We had insurance come over to take statements from both of us and that has been a bit of gong show, but for the most part, I’ve just had to sit back and see what happens. However, the poor Boyfriend…

They found our van after a week of it being missing. From what we know so far, everything that was in it when it went missing is still in it. Now it’s spending time getting fixed up and re-keyed (which is surprisingly expensive and thankfully, since they came into our house and took the key, is likely covered by insurance), but it’ll probably be at least a week before we get it back.

It took me a few nights to sleep at home afterwards, since it was clear that they had come inside the house. Then it took me even longer to finally start sleeping up in my room again. However, I’m still having a hard time sleeping at night and get my best sleep in the morning, once every one is awake.

To make this last week more stressful, school is out now…

The List - For Adults 18+

No Longer #FucketListed: An Over-The-Knee Spanking

Since the very beginning of my creation of bucket lists, I have had “get an over-the-knee spanking” at the very top.

When I was pregnant with Carter (about 8ish years ago), The Boyfriend had agreed to spank me. It was a short-lived situation that was a lot of fun for me. But after we had Carter, spankings went completely out the window. And that over-the-knee spanking stayed on the list.

Well, no longer!!!

He’s been spoiling me a lot lately. We’ve had some stuff going on aka “the crap we’re going through” (I’m attempting to write posts about this, but its taking some serious time, so I’m not going to go into too much detail), but in one way or another, things are changing for us. I think he feels very insecure in our relationship right now – and not without cause – and so he’s over-compensating in other ways in an attempt to save what feels to him like a failing relationship. Although, I assure you and him both that I am not going anywhere and have no desire to!!!

Anyways, back to the point of this post…

So, the spoiling started a few days ago. We went on a trip to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things and I walked out with basically an entire summer wardrobe. A few shirts, pants and shorts and a bunch of new thongs that I picked out because I knew he would like them. Then of course, there was the trip to Drumheller and that whole experience (which I’m also writing a post about…). On his last night off, I decide to slip into one of the dresses we got and one of the thongs.

We’re sitting on the couch and he decides to moisturize my feet and legs. This doesn’t happen very often anymore, but used to be a regular occurrence for us. After he’s done, he tells me to lay across his lap. I figure he’s just planning on moisturizing the backs of my thighs or maybe give me a nice ass massage. He lifts up the hem of my dress and then…

Hard, hard, hard slap right on my left cheek.

I squirmed, I kicked, I yelped. He liked that and the next thing you know, we’re having a good long spanking session. A hard spanking session. No real warm-up, no gentleness. He had said earlier in the day during an intense discussion that we were “going to have angry sex tonight“, and his hands felt angry¬†but there was a tenderness in all the hardness.

I was all over the place on the couch across his legs. After the first few hits, every single one felt incredibly intense. My whole ass felt red everywhere, even though he had been hitting almost the exact same spot over and over on each cheek – save for the one closest to him. A few hits, just the edge of his palm or his fingertips, would nick between my legs and I would heave frantically – pain shooting through my insides and then subsiding in a way that literally made me feel the color red.

One good slap on my right cheek, sent me up on all fours and I collapsed with my head on his lap curled up in a ball. He wasn’t done with the spanking yet and continued to give me sporadic hard slaps in between drinking our coffees and smoking. When I laid back across his lap, in quick succession, three hard slaps on my left cheek. By now, that side felt fine for the most part – stingy but nicely numbing. So, the three hard slaps were gentle squirms, pleasurable wiggles, cooing. But then three hard slaps befell my right cheek. The second one caused me to kick up my legs and hold out my arms above my head, arch my back and squeal out. He had to hold my legs down to land the third hit and I swear I’ve never moved away from him faster.

He wanted pictures and told me to bend over the couch. Bright purple lines had begun forming all over both cheeks, especially the left one. You could see where he had hit hardest. Then, out of nowhere, the hardest slap. So hard that I still have a hand print leftover the next day! He was so sad that he didn’t get a video of my reaction. I flew forward and clasped onto the couch, bent down and moaned and groaned and whined, laughed out loud at the sensation, kept trying to stand up but the pain kept me crouching, gripping the couch for dear life!

He giggled and watched me squirm and wiggle and admired his handiwork. He came up behind me and stroked the hair out of my face and helped me to stand. Sitting on the couch was very hard, especially since I could feel the fabric of the couch through the soft dress that I was wearing, the coarse fabric scraping the welts that were now forming.

The sex afterwords was out of this world! My pussy actually ached when he woke me this morning for another round. I was bent over the arm of the couch, tied up for a short period, spread wide open and scrunched up in a tiny ball. He was on top, I was on top. Hands were absolutely everywhere and we were both drenched in sweat.

And I got so much amazing oral sex – like, I’m talking learned-new-things-about-how-wonderful-pleasure-can-be-type amazing!!! He spent time licking and kissing and sucking on things and in places that are rarely ever touched and kept doing this lovely thing with his lip coming up under my clit that would have my toes fiercely pointed. It was intimate and sensual and we were both surprised at how long it took me to cum. Which happened the first time kneeling over top of his face, with his hands going absolutely wild all over me.

There were so many intensely wonderful things happening everywhere. The crazy amount of eye contact – which typically isn’t a huge thing for The Boyfriend and I – during the fisting or the blowjob. His frequent use of his thumbs to either rub my clit or penetrate with, which I had told him that I had recently been fantasizing about a lot. There was also a lot of opportunity for each of us to admire each other – to admire his amazing body or to admire my vocalizations – especially being that we recently got a new picture taker AND for the first time in a few years brought the laptop up to make a home movie ūüėČ

All-in-all, it was one of the greatest nights in our sexperiences, although like I said to him after the spanking, I’m sad that it will always be remembered directly along with the “crap we’re going through“. I’m sad that it’s a marred spanking. However, on the other hand, it’s greatness supersedes that sadness. It was almost everything you want in a sexperience. It was hours and hours and hours of some of best sex The Boyfriend and I have ever had. Not only was there great sex, but there was really great discussions had throughout.

At one point, there was just playful teasing while we browsed Amazon for sex toys – specifically restraints, because he’s apparently really into that right now (no complaints here ūüėČ ūüėČ ūüėČ ). Lots of questions about interests and limit-setting – neither of us is interested in enemas, hard limit! Another point, he gave me two options: go up to bed, get tied up and fucked, or go on cam and get fucked (which is inline with the “crap we’re going through“) and I immediately said “no” to option number two.

It always fascinates me how an emotionally-charged declination of consent can still result in amazing sex!

Because of the “crap we’re going through“, there were some incredibly awkward points of the sexperience. After the spanking and some of the beginning not-orgasm-focused oral and sex, he abruptly said, “I better never catch you with another man” – which stopped everything dead in its tracks and resulted in a good cuddling/comfort session. Or when I tried to explain, through very cryptic and broken sentences, that I absolutely hated that it took me breaking his heart to, nine years later, finally get an over-the-knee spanking or that I was worried that in some way he had felt obligated to spank me to be able to keep me – that he didn’t do it because he wanted to but because he felt like he had to. There were deep conversations mixed into all the sexiness going on and it made everything feel all that much more intense.

The worst part for both of us was when he came. We were trying really hard to cum together. He held off for so long and let me have two orgasms already. So, by the time he’s getting ready to cum and I’m on top and working on that third orgasm, it’s just not happening. He ends up cumming first at my encouragement. He’s decided he absolutely doesn’t like when this happens, because he ends up falling asleep without meaning to. He felt really bad afterwards that he had had to force himself to stay awake for my third and final orgasm of the night. I assured him that it hadn’t changed how I felt about the night.

We were open and vulnerable and wounded. It was beautiful and it hurt. It made me feel so much. And I desperately needed that!

I was expecting to feel more of the post-sex blues that I typically have the day after really mind-blowing sex between us. I was expecting to feel exhausted from the lack of sleep. I was expecting to be reeling mentally when I had time to think about all the things that happened last night. I was expecting to need some serious aftercare or for him to need it. But today, aside from aching thighs and a very tender, gently bruised backside, I feel really good. I feel full of love and optimistic and just really good. Waking up to another dose of sex and then spending the morning exchanging adoring glances with The Boyfriend has just really made everything feel blissful.

The Rantings - For Everyone

And… Release…

It feels like it’s been an exceptionally long couple of days.¬†

Cazzwell has been sick, again. I feel like he gets sick a lot. It’s the amount of kids we have and the rapidly changing weather, it’s gotta be. But this one is just being rough!

He has been one heck of a grumpy baby. More than once, I’ve had to set him down and walk away and just let him cry for a few minutes, because it gets to be so overwhelming. It always tends to feel like he’s only grumpy for me – although the logical and rational me knows that that is only because he spends the most amount of time with me – in the moment when he’s just not giving up, the irrational side of me takes over and I just think, “My baby hates me!”.

My sleep schedule is absolutely all over the place and has been for about a week and a half. I’m lucky if I’m averaging 4 hours a night. I seem to have a lot of energy though. I stay up almost all night, sleep for a couple hours before the baby wakes up ridiculously early, doze¬†while he’s playing in bed beside me until The Boyfriend gets home from work, and then I’m up again. I’m hoping something will give soon there because I can foresee it officially being too much in a day or two.

The two eldest kids have been trying my patience a great deal this week too.

Kaeidyn has technically been doing it for awhile now and it just keeps seeming to get worse and worse with her – which is to be expected but that does not make it any less trying. In this last week alone, two new rules have been created for her. She’s been missing a lot of school, making a lot of decisions without asking parents (like messaging me after she’s already at her friend’s house across town, “I’m staying here tonight!“, instead of messaging me beforehand and asking for permission…), and her snarky attitude is constantly present.

I’ve been trying to touch her and cuddle her more. She had pointed out awhile back that I was always saying that I loved the boys but never saying it to her. I hadn’t even noticed to be honest. There was awhile back there where she didn’t like hearing it and so, I guess I stopped saying it so much. So, I’ve been trying to be more affectionate to her, letting her know that she is truly loved. At first, she would flinch every time I’d stroke her hair or give me a dirty look if I said anything nice to her, acting like I was some weird alien species. It must be working though because she has actually come and sat on the couch next to me just to cuddle.

Eventually, we’ll figure this shit out…

Kenzie is following directly in his older sister’s footsteps. In this last week, I have literally had to yell over top of him that I didn’t want to hear his arguments anymore. He will take the most minor things and blow them up to huge proportions and have an absolute meltdown. He used to storm up to his room, slam his door and go to sleep. But now, he’ll stand there and just yell at you and argue with you. It is absolutely sucking the life out of me!

He’s now got a group of friends too, just like his sister. And because she was allowed to do such and such at his age, he immediately thinks that he gets to do it too. He doesn’t remember that, to some degree, Kaeidyn had to earn all that stuff. So, he’ll go to his friend’s house and then without telling anyone, leaves his friend’s house and ends up at another friend’s house. Or they’ll go to a park without telling any parents. Or he won’t come home from school until dinnertime. He also forgets, just like Kaeidyn, that he has to ask permission.

Carter has not been understanding the word “no” lately.

It’s a very fluid word for him. He thinks every little variation to the plan will change the answer. “Well, if this happened…” and he will constantly ask over and over again. You’d think he’d forget about it or something, but the next day, he’s still asking hoping the answer will change. And when you finally have had enough and get upset at him for not understanding the no, he pouts and pouts and acts like you’re the cruelest person in the world and like you’re being unfair only to him. And then the asking begins again…

Keirnan is the only kid that I have no real huge complaints about!

He’s been a great helper this last little while, which is such a change from just a little while ago. When I’m feeling frustrated with Cazzwell, he jumps in and takes over and is the best big brother you could ask for. When I need help making food or cleaning up a mess, as long as I say I need help, he gets up and goes about helping out. I think he’s been enjoying the feeling of taking care of things. He has been angry a lot towards Carter, which has been a struggle to figure out how to deal with, but I can’t always blame him for feeling like that towards his little brother, because Carter can be a real handful. And he seems to gravitate towards being annoying to Keirnan.

You punch a monkey so many times and eventually the monkey’s going to punch back!

I have been incredibly unproductive this last week too. I had a good two weeks of some seriously epic productivity. I was getting stuff done left and right, writing lots, keeping the main floor pretty darn clean, motivating the family to do their part. And then, it just all went out the window. I’ve spent this last week mostly glued to my computer, mostly wasting time and mostly trying to ignore the world around me. There’s been lots of game and Star Wars talk happening and I’m just not interested. I’m not interested in being interested this time around. I’m not even interested in faking interest. So, I’ve been trying to just kinda zone out and stay that way.

I’m hoping that The Boyfriend’s next two days off will give me some time to decompress from this last week. To have some sort of release. Have a bit of kid-free time, no electronics and hopefully really nice weather. In a perfect world, we would go for a drive somewhere and now that I have my ID, The Boyfriend would finally take me out drinking or dancing or something. Just something adult, for grown-ups.

I need to have some sort of experience because I’m starting to feel cooped up in all of it.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Still Snowing

It has felt like a very long couple of weeks. Very long. And I expect that it’s going to take awhile for everyone to recover.

In my last post, I was freaking out a little bit about our annual inspection. The Boyfriend worked incredibly hard and we ended up having no problems passing. We were a bit surprised, because we both felt incredibly unprepared, even though we pulled multiple overnighters. But, we’re all good for another year!

My sister also moved to town and then her kids came to visit her and because Mom’s boyfriend was in town, everyone ended up at my house. So I had three days of extra people here – which was amazing and awesome and probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do all year. It felt like a lot of work, probably because I’m not used to dealing with that many people.

By The Boyfriend’s second day off, we were itching for alone time. Quiet time. We finally got it last night and we both soaked it up like crazy. Even ended up getting rid of Cazzwell in the morning and slept the entire day away – which was so desperately needed after a series of very late nights and ridiculously early mornings. Hopefully, now that the big stressful stuff is done, The Boyfriend and I will finally be able to get on some sort of more-regular sleep routine.

The kids are all doing pretty good. Kaeidyn has been pushing her luck a lot lately and her attitude has been wildly out of control. I ended up taking her phone away from her for a few days because I just couldn’t get over how she was treating everyone. The way she talks sometimes just absolutely astounds me. She can be so angry for absolutely no reason and has the ability to just break your heart with her words. I see a lot of “consequences” in her future.

Kenzie, Keirnan and Carter have all been pretty darn amazing. They’ve been helping keep up on the cleaning ever since the inspection and have all been having fun taking turns “babysitting” Cazzwell – really, the adults are just in another room (like when I make dinner) – but they don’t care about that. They’ve even been getting along better, although Carter has been having a great time playfighting lately.

Cazzwell is growing up way way way too fast. Pulling himself up on everything now and he is just so ready to be on the move. He crawls so fast! He’s gotten into yelling as loud as he can for absolutely no reason and for such a small kid, he’s the loudest of the bunch. We’ve been attempting to get him on more solid foods and sometimes it seems to go great and other times, it’s a bit of a pain. There isn’t too much that he really enjoys eating lately and for the most part, he just makes a big mess.

I ended up spending the three days that my sister was here completely off my computer. I haven’t done that in awhile and definitely not while we still had internet. It was surprising to me how easy it was. Normally, I’m itching after a few hours. This time, day three I started to notice. I’m working on a few different projects right now, so I’m super glad to finally be able to concentrate on that stuff. Hopefully, I’ll get one of the projects done very soon.

It’s snowing a lot lately. We had a week of really warm weather – like, wear your t-shirt outside weather. Then, big globs of snow. And while the snow only lasts half the day and mostly melts before nightfall, waking up in the mornings to nothing but white in the middle of spring is just so utterly depressing! I am desperate for warmth and sun and blue skies – and based on the weather right now, it’s going to be a very short burst of that before we go back to winter. It’s very sad.

Who else is still getting snow? Rant about it with me in the comments below!

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Spring Cleaning 2017

It’s inspection time again and I am feeling burdened…

We’ve had this annual inspection every year that we’ve lived in this place and yet, every single time that it comes around, it causes me the most insane amount of stress. The stress is caused by the fact that we could potentially face eviction if all does not go perfectly. And that would be the worst!

Even though I feel like we’ve been cleaning more than ever and more consistently than ever, it feels like there is a lot of things to do. Really, it’s a lot of the jobs that get neglected all year long, like washing the walls and baseboards or cleaning out the closets. Winter is just ending too, so we’ve got some yard work needing to be done.

It always seems to be the worst time of year for us in the sense that we’re not set up to do a big spring clean. The kids are home for two weeks, meaning that messes are way more frequent and overwhelming than usual. The Boyfriend always seems to be working the longest times during this time and also ends up having to do a big majority of the cleaning and it must just be incredibly hard for him. Last year, I was pregnant. This year, a baby makes where someone always needs to be watching him.

We’ve been tag-teaming cleaning as much as possible and I have really perfected the art of delegation with the kids. Everyone but Kaeidyn has been super helpful lately too. Keirnan will make a face and pout and tears gather in his eyes, but he’ll get up off his butt and do the work. Kenzie and Carter are my two best little helpers – although Carter’s jobs often require telling him to redo them over and over again. But between The Boyfriend and I, we’ve been slacking a lot because it’s like, “Okay, you go clean this while I watch Cazzwell and then you watch him while I go clean this!” and we just do not work well that way.

Right before spring break started, all the kids got sick as the weather got warm very fast. We went from -30 Celsius to +10 and every single one of them got stuffed noses and bad coughs – even The Boyfriend, which almost never happens. Carter had a few days where his ears were really bugging him and is still looking exceptionally pale. Cazzwell has been a bundle of sickness!!

Every time we think he’s over it and he clears up and his nose stops running it ends up being the calm before the storm! He’s been congested. It goes away and during the day you hardly notice and then at night, he wakes up from his sleep coughing or snoring extra loud because of the phlegm. Then, because he’s 6 months now, he’s “leveled up” in formula and we’ve been trying to introduce more solids into his diet. This has caused him to have a bit of constipation.

Can you believe that I have had a handful of babies and have never had to personally deal with constipation?!?

It has been stressful and heartbreaking and exhausting and a great test of patience! I often crawl into bed at night just absolutely flabbergasted that I made it through the day. Like, how?!? How did I put up with that kid slapping the other kid across the face? How did I get through the fight with Kaeidyn over her cellphone? How did I manage to do the dishes and make a meal? How the heck did I do it?!?

The next few days will become more and more focused on cleaning. We are finally getting a new-to-us washing machine and won’t have to pack up bags of laundry to take down to my Mom’s to do once a week! The Boyfriend and I are planning a dump run with our old broken down washing machines, which will immediately make our basement feel cleaner. He’s picked up all the cleaning supplies we will need and has worked out a general timeline of all the things he needs to get done.

And then we’ll cross our fingers and hope for the best in two weeks time…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Can’t Believe There’s Five Kids Now…

I’ve barely written about the kids at all since I returned from my hiatus...

It’s not for lack of things to write about at all. It’s entirely for lack of not being 100% sure how to write about it all. First of all, it’s often hard to remember what exactly did happen in the heat of the moment. That’s right, there’s been heat. Second, it’s often incredibly difficult to figure out how exactly I feel about what happened in that heat. Sometimes, it’s an irritant that passes within a day or two and you forget that it even happened and other times, it lingers in the air for weeks!!

My daughter is officially becoming a teenager.

If you couldn’t tell it from the physical transformation she’s undergoing, you’d definitely be able to tell from the extreme attitude shift and sudden swing into this girl that I no longer recognize as my adorable and amazing Kaeidyn. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still amazing and she’s not doing anything specifically wrong – well, save for using a lot of really offensive language – but she is just giving so much snark and attitude and for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

She went from being the girl who was obsessed with makeup and pink and happy things, to this black-wearing creepy-show-watching jerk honestly. One of her favorite things right now is a game in which her and her friends pick on each other until one of them eventually leaves the group for a couple days. They all make up and do it all over again. She’s been really into anime, which doesn’t bother me at all, but she picks the most morbid and creepy anime she can find. And it’s the only thing she ever wants to talk about – the only conversation I get out of her lately.

Her language and the way that she expresses herself is so out of control right now. I have no idea where she picked up some of the words and phrases she uses, because none of us use them. Like, “God damn” and “Jesus Christ” – both things The Boyfriend and I remember being punished harshly for saying as kids… I’m not a particularly picky parent when it comes to swearing. They are allowed to swear when they are singing songs that have curse words in them and they are allowed to swear when they are telling a story where someone in the story swears. I don’t get super upset when they are caught up in a game and accidentally say “Shit“, although they do get a, “Hey! Don’t do that again!“. But Kaeidyn is definitely pushing my boundaries with the quality of her language.

I walked into the room earlier today. I looked at her and then went about my business. She snarls, “What, Mom?” and I say, “Nothing” and she responds something like, “This is my goddamn face when I look at you“. I’m not even sure what her face looked like and frankly, that wouldn’t have mattered to me. It’s the words she uses and the way she says them. You miss the days when she used to talk to you sweetly and didn’t insert a vulgar word in every sentence. I use vulgar language, I get it. I say “fuck” a whole lot more than I should! But, there’s a limit

I’ve been saying it his entire life and I imagine that I will continue to say it but Carter is the largest handful ever! He has so much energy that I have no idea what to do with, so many thoughts and ideas that he wants to share over and over and over again and he seems to constantly be moving even when he’s sitting quietly. Over the last little while, he’s been constantly talking about death and dying and who’s going to die first and how old we’re all going to be when we die. He brings it up a lot. And that’s been an interesting thing to deal with.

He’s also been instigating fights constantly with the other kids. He pushes buttons constantly with them. The other day, he insisted on fighting with Kaeidyn. She doesn’t normally fight with them but he wasn’t letting up. She had to have hurt him – when I could see them, she was getting good grapples in and tossing him to the floor with relative ease and when I couldn’t see them, you could hear his “oomphs“. But he just kept going and going and going, until eventually he was playfully tied up on the floor and Mommy was standing over top of the two of them with my hands in my hair!

He just doesn’t give up. He talks and talks and talks endlessly. The older kids went to their Dad’s for a week and The Boyfriend and I were all, “Oh, it’s going to be so quiet with just the two boys” and no, no it was not at all!!! Carter literally talked from the moment he woke up in the morning until he was finally sent upstairs to bed. If he wasn’t talking to us, he was talking to Cazzwell and when he wasn’t doing that, he was pretending to host his YouTube channel while playing games. Which is also a thing he’s gotten into…

Speaking of Cazzwell… The kid is teething hard! He sprouted his first tooth at about 4 months and he just turned 6 months and already has four teeth with a fifth one breaking through! The bottom three came in rather easily – lots of drool and upset tummy, but otherwise nothing too crazy. These top ones though are just killing him. He’s always sucking on his bottom lip or his thumb or anything he can find really.

He’s also on the move! A lot! He spends a big majority of his day in his “walker” and just moves up a storm in that thing – bouncing and spinning all over the place. He’s up on his hands and knees rocking back and forth the moment you put him down and you can’t leave him alone for a second – he’s already fallen off the couch twice! He’s ridiculously quick and my reaction time isn’t…

I don’t think I’ve ever smiled so much about a growing baby before though. I can be in the deepest funk and he’ll do something just so adorable that I can’t help but grin from ear to ear. He’s got a bit of a cold right now to go along with the teething (or maybe as part of the teething), so it’s been lots of cuddles and loves these last few days. I honestly can’t complain!

Kenzie has been up and down and all over the place – isn’t he always?!? One day he’s the sweetest, bestest kid in the whole world and such a cutie and you could just¬†eat him up! And other days, he yells, he screams, he cries, he overreacts to everything. You never know what kind of day it’s going to be with him and little things can set him off. For awhile there, he would get upset and then would stomp off to his room and fall asleep and wake up his normal self again. Now, he just keeps pushing his attitude into your face.

It’s not so much a shock when he pulls it out on me. This is the kid that used to tell me constantly that he hated me. But when he pulls it out on The Boyfriend or Mama T, I am absolutely¬†shocked. Because that’s entirely new. The other day him and The Boyfriend literally got into a yelling match that ended in Mommy telling Kenzie to get up to his room until he learnt to respect his father. I can’t even remember what that was about but I know it was stupid and petty and ridiculous!

He’s at that point too, where he remembers all the stuff Kaeidyn was allowed to do at his age and he wants to do it too. It’s hard because he’s not exactly as mature as she was at this age. It’s been a series of tests to see what he is and isn’t old enough to do. Even Keirnan has been testing next stage/age privileges like sitting on the couch with food. Carter is hating it!

Keirnan has been surprisingly whiny lately and is easily brought to tears. He’s really very much becoming his own person and enjoys spending time doing the things that interest him and really has no desire to do much of anything that anyone else is doing. He’s been spending a lot of time with friends and that has turned him into quite the talkative kid. He talks a lot more now than he ever has before and it’s been such a huge change!

The most surprising thing about Keirnan right now though is the type of big brother he’s being to Cazzwell. He was the least interested kid during my pregnancy and during the first couple of weeks that Cazzwell was home. He didn’t really want to hold him too much and was never curious about ultrasounds or getting to hear the heartbeat or anything like that. But now, he’s all over that baby. Always playing with him, always sitting with him, always talking to him. It’s adorable to watch the two of them together sometimes – even if they do make a lot of noise together!

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks with the kids these last few. I feel like I’m getting to know them all all over again as they all transition into these upper kid ages. I’m learning a lot about them in a short period of time and it’s being an adjustment, to say the least.

Some days, I honestly don’t know how we get through it. But we do…

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5 Things That Happened During My Hiatus

My hiatus officially began in the fall of 2016 and by Christmas, I had shut down my blog and turned its maintenance feature on. I went silent on social networks for awhile and allowed The Erotic Writers Group (which at the time had about 750 members and of which I am the sole moderator) to run itself. I explained the reasons why in the post Welcome Back… Finally!!!, so today I wanted to tell you about 5 relatively major life events that happened during my hiatus.

  1. Cazzwell’s Birth

    We had hoped it wouldn’t happen in September and he heard us and came on the last day of August. I woke up from contractions in the late afternoon. Kaeidyn insisted we wake The Boyfriend up and he insisted we go straight to the hospital the moment he saw my face.

    In what was called a “precipitous labor” (which Google has informed me means a labor that takes less than 3 hours from start to finish), we welcomed Cazzwell into the world. The first few weeks were an adjustment to say the least. He took awhile getting back up to his birth weight, so there were more doctors visits and home visits than we had been anticipating, which made things more stressful. The kids all wanted to be such big help but hadn’t had much experience with newborns, so lots of heart stopping moments. And, there was a new baby in our house for the first time seven years… So, there was that…

    In the last almost 6 months, he’s grown exceptionally fast. Sprouted his first tooth at 4 months, he sits up all by himself and now he’s figuring out crawling – already up on the hands and knees, kinda rocks himself and then falls forward onto his belly. You’d be amazed at how far across a room he can make it like that! Everywhere we go, all anyone can talk about is how quickly he’s growing up.

  2. I Turned 30

    The best thing about turning 30 was definitely The Boyfriend! After the kids broke my last laptop, he went out and got me a new one. Then, spent the day making me feel like his sexy older woman, because that’s a thing now until he turns 30 (very soon – muwhahaha!). The kids were all sweet before school, waking me up with Happy Birthdays but after school, they were their normal usual bratty selves.

    I had made a lot of plans for things that I wanted to have done in my life by the time I was 30. I wanted to be married – even telling¬†The Boyfriend that if he hadn’t married me by the time I was 30, it wasn’t going to happen. I wanted to have a career and be on my way to owning a home and have my driver’s licence and know where my g-spot is…

    Alas, that was not what coming into 30 has been like, at all. I’m still only common-law and at this point probably always will be. I’m jobless in a rented townhouse being driven around by my much-more-amazing-than-I-deserve boyfriend and I still orgasm from clitoral stimulation only! I honestly thought I would be a lot more upset about it. And I was, on the 13th day of November, devastated. But then, when I woke up the next day, I was washed in gratitude and so far, that is what 30 has been for me. Everyday, I look at what life has given and is giving me and I am just so grateful!

  3. Got a Guitar

    I posted on Facebook that I missed having a guitar. I do it every time I’m without a guitar for any length of time. One of my maternal aunts, who I sadly never talk to anymore, commented asking when I’d be home. A day or two later, she brought over a guitar.

    It’s nothing crazy special and she’s not super amazing, but holding a guitar in my hands again feels really good! I’ve been doing terribly at playing her and am saddened when I think about how much time she spends put away. But it’s been a long time since I’ve played and so often times, it feels like I’m having to relearn everything I already know or like I just absolutely suck. And sometimes, I can have fun in that place where I’m sucking and just go with it and smile, but other times, it just makes me not want to play for a while.

    Plus, none of the people in my house seem to have any respect for a guitar session!! I can play through a lot of things, but lately, it has been exceptionally hard to play through my family.

    From The Boyfriend, who¬†not only doesn’t listen to me play at all (which always bothers me a little bit) but also has to leave the volume up just enough on his games to be completely distracting, to the older children who decide that the moment I start playing is the moment to ask me questions and tell me every detail about whatever game it is they are playing (or in the case of Kaeidyn, which anime she’s watching…) to the baby who apparently isn’t very fond of guitar (or maybe it’s the guitar over top of all the other noises) because I have only had one session so far that wasn’t interrupted by a total tantrum.

  4. Almost Baby #6

    Sometime near the middle of January, we discovered that we were pregnant again. Definitely not what we had wanted or were expecting. I was literally shaking and sweating as I took the second test, because we didn’t trust the first one. We waited a week until we told his sister and mom and then we told the kids. Kaeidyn literally broke down in tears and told us we “can’t have anymore kids!” and only Carter seemed excited. We didn’t tell my mom until…

    Two weeks later, I had a day of some pretty intense cramps and some bleeding and about a week after that, I – as the doctors put it – “expelled the tissue”. I cried hard, really hard. Harder than I had expected to. Not because I was upset that I had lost the baby. That I was mostly relieved by because I don’t feel ready to have a Baby #6. I was upset because I had miscarried. Because I had had to feel it and experience it. Because I couldn’t maintain a life. Because, yet again, I had failed.

    Ultimately, I haven’t been all that affected by it. I spent a few days in a constantly-near-tears state and The Boyfriend was there every time to hold me tight and I came to terms with it relatively easily. Again, not expecting that. I was just saying to The Boyfriend today that I’m glad we weren’t trying, because we aren’t entirely devastated over it. I think if we were trying or even if it was like the other kids where we weren’t necessarily trying but we weren’t doing anything to prevent it, then I think we would have both been ruined by it – I know I would.

  5. #ReDesign2017

    I fell out of love with my blog. It happens more often than I’d like to admit. In the olden days, I would’ve just started a new blog. But I have a domain now, I pay for stuff, I have commitments. So, I undertook the epic challenge of redesigning ValerieRayne.com.

    Honestly, it took a heck of a lot longer than I wanted it to and it was a heck of a lot harder than I was anticipating! Right now though, I’m feeling like it was totally worth it. It inspired me to pick up projects that I had been neglecting, inspired me to start doing #ThrowbackThursdays on Facebook, and I have pages and pages of thoughts and ideas to continue inspiring me. I have fallen back in love with my blog.

    I’ve got lots of plans over the next little while. You’ll see the return of #FridayFavorites and #TumblrFavorites – both even better than they were before. New erotica will be coming your way, especially as The Erotic Writers Group heats up for 2017. I officially started working on The Brighton Tales again and maybe another book *wink*. Some of my biggest goals here this year center around The Sims, The List and The Gallery – all of which I’d like to see a lot more posts in! And as always, I invite you to leave me comments and let me know what you’d like to see more of and I’ll do my best!

The beginning of my life as a 30-year-old mom of five in 2017 (there’s 3 changes in a sentence!)¬†has been filled with ups and downs and weird squiggly lines. It’s been filled with changes and tears and so much gratitude and love. And¬†I’m just so excited glad to be back from my ¬†hiatus. I’m looking forward to 2017 on ValerieRayne.com! Are you?

The Rantings - For Everyone

Where Did the Time Go?

I absolutely cannot believe that I haven’t written in over a month…! It does not feel like it’s been that long and it’s definitely not for lack of things to write about. June¬†just whizzed by in a blur and while July has slowed down a lot, it feels like I haven’t had a moment for anything.

The summer started with dropping the older three kids off at their Dad’s. It’s been incredibly boring without them here and it’s probably the first time ever where they left and days later, I was missing them hard. It comes and goes in waves and sometimes, I’m relieved that they’re gone and sometimes, I just want my babies back. They’ve been there for about¬†three or four weeks now and we’ve probably got another week until they come home. I cannot wait!

The Boyfriend also left shortly after they did, leaving Carter and I at home alone. He got an incredible opportunity to go train other managers up in the Northwest Territories. You have no idea how awesome it feels to say that my boyfriend had to go on a business trip. He wasn’t expecting me to be as supportive as I was and that made him very nervous about the trip.¬†He spent two weeks up there and had a great time exploring this totally new-to-him place.

I knew I would start missing him pretty hard by about day three and I was totally right. The first couple of nights went by with ease and then that third day hit and it started dragging miserably to the point where it felt like it would never end. By day seven, we were both going pretty nuts and it became a bit of a¬†battle to make it through the day without sadness over the absence. We’ve never spent that much time apart and I can’t imagine it happening very often in the future.¬†It was such a relief the day we went to pick him up from the airport.

Carter and I had made a “Welcome Home, Daddy” sign and greeted him at his gate. I’ve never seen either of them look so happy as when they first saw each other. Unfortunately, he’s basically been working non-stop since he got back from the trip and only today has he finally gotten days off. We are both so excited about finally getting to spend some quality time together!

Have had a couple prenatal appointments over the last little while too and baby is doing really well. They sent me for another ultrasound – a biophysical profile to be exact. The last time I went for one of those, while I was pregnant with Kaeidyn, resulted in me being induced for labor the very next day – so I¬†was¬†a little nervous about it. All went well though and baby is looking great. Now we get to start doing prenatal appointments every week and we’ve only got about four weeks left!

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to get this pregnancy over with. My body has ached like this, and worse, before now – but never has it made me so entirely miserable. I can’t wait to get this baby out of my belly and into my arms. I’m nothing but excited about the idea of having my baby here!

In other news, my house has never been and stayed this clean ever. I’ve even been tackling the huge amount of laundry that had piled up and I’m actually enjoying doing it, because it’s staying organized and tidy! Cleaning up after two people is a million times easier than cleaning up after six! I wish it was always this easy because I’d never have a problem getting it done. I’ve got a few little projects to do before the older kids get home but otherwise, my house has looked great for a while now and it definitely feels really nice!!

The Rantings - For Everyone

It’s June Already…!!

Oh my goodness, its June already!! This year has just been whipping by. And it’s June already…!

It’s that dreaded time of the year again where we’re heading into a housing inspection. It means doing a super deep clean of every single square foot of this house. It means trying to stay motivated to get cleaning done for longer than one day, while also maintaining motivation for the five other people in the house. It means freaking out for an entire week that we aren’t doing enough, no matter how many hours we work, unnecessarily – because we’ve managed to not fail five years running.

This year seems especially unmanageable because I am pregnant and uncomfortable and it is making all the cleaning feel that much harder. Washing dishes has become the biggest pain in the butt because the counter cuts right across my massive stomach, so I hunch a lot and really upset my hips. I get tuckered out a million times quicker to the point where I have to sit at least to catch my breath and re-motivating myself after each tucker out is just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t think I’ve ever had a housing inspection while I was pregnant, and I can tell you that I absolutely do not like it!

I realized the other day that we’ve only got about thirteen weeks left until it’s baby time. Again, time is just whipping by. I feel like it was just the other day that I was stressing out about telling our parents… And now, it’s only a short time before we’ll be holding a baby in our arms. I know that over the next month or so things will slow down dramatically (as it always does in the third trimester) and I’ll be bitching about how time is now marching along at a sluggish speed, but right now, it feels like it’s going really fast.

We went for our last monthly prenatal appointment. After that one, they start happening every two weeks. Everything with baby and my health is looking great. My blood pressure was on point, all my recent tests – ultrasound, glucose screening, etc. – all came back normal, and most surprisingly to us baby is measuring exactly where he’s supposed to be. I’ve never measured accurately, always measuring at least two weeks small – even with Carter who was a normal-sized baby! Now we have one last ultrasound to schedule and then it’s just a matter of counting down!

School is already almost out! It took us all year to get Carter to like going to school and now that he finally does, it’s about to end! It’s crazy how fast the school year has gone too. Although I can honestly say that I’m looking forward to summer break. I’m looking forward to not having to do the school routine because it is probably the hardest routine we try our best, and often fail, to stick with. It’s a lot of pressure off! I’m also looking forward to doing summer stuff with the kids. I cannot wait to spend a day at the beach!

I still just can’t believe it’s June already. Time is just whipping by!

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Broken Bones and Road Trip

It was one heck of a long long weekend. It’s probably the first time in a long time that I actually did something for May long. On Friday, The Boyfriend and I took all the kids up to their Dad’s for the long weekend and that went smoothly. My Mom called the same day and asked if I wanted to take a road trip with her the next day. Carter was going to come but decided that he didn’t like the highway, so I just went alone – The Boyfriend had to stay home because of work.

The next day we were taking a trip up to Whitecourt to see my sister. I haven’t traveled that far in years! It was awesome to see her because it’s been awhile and I really don’t get to see her enough. I miss the days when they lived right here in town and I could just go to her house whenever I felt like it. Now we have to travel five hours to get to each other and it’s absolutely never for long enough.

They weren’t really expecting us and the first people we saw were my niece and nephew. Man oh man, do kids ever grow fast. My nephew, who’s 13, is now officially as tall as I am. Made me feel small all weekend! Both my sister’s kids are tall. It started raining while we were up there and that just seemed to make the whole visit that much better, because it was so refreshing – the whole thing.

It was a short but sweet trip and I can’t wait until I’m able to take the kids and The Boyfriend with me. Next time, he won’t be working and they won’t be at their Dad’s!

In other news, and I honestly can’t believe it’s taken me this long to write about it, Kaeidyn broke her arm! Last Monday, she went on an after school field trip to the skate park and went longboarding. She ended up going down a hill, wobbling all the way, before falling off pretty good. She hadn’t even been there a whole hour when we were getting called to go pick her up.

The first thing she said to me when she saw me was, “I should’ve known better! I’ve watched the fail videos, I’ve seen the vines!” and I nodded profusely. We took her up to the hospital and were there for the next eight¬†hours as she got a bunch of x-rays and then put to sleep and put in a cast. It was a lot of waiting and worrying and a lot more waiting.

She was so amazing and took the whole thing like a champ for someone who had broken a bone. She cried a little bit when they put her in a sling, cried a lot when they put in her IV and tears filled her eyes as they put her to sleep and she whispered to me, “If anything should happen to me, make sure to donate my organs!“. I still can’t believe she’s the first of the kids to break a bone…!

She’s been wearing a plaster cast for the last week and tomorrow we go to get her fiberglass cast on. I’ve had to constantly be on top of her for pushing it too hard, because she’s insisting on “maintaining her independence” – just in case she “actually loses an arm one day“. It’s been an adjustment, to say the least.

The rest of this week and all of next week will be entirely dedicated to getting our house completely spotless clean. We have our dreaded annual inspection, which for some reason always causes me the greatest amount of unwarranted stress. Okay, not entirely unwarranted, being that failing the inspection could and most likely will result in eviction…

Even though I’m probably exaggerating to a large degree, and The Boyfriend will assure me that I am, I feel like we have so much more than usual to do – mainly because we started rearranging our living room because of a new couch and haven’t finished getting rid of all the throwaway furniture yet – another project for this week! Right now, it all feels like an impossibility. I’m sure I’ve said this every time we’ve ever had an inspection…

So, if you don’t hear from me for a little bit, that’s where I’m at ūüėČ

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Ready to Get Back to Work

I hate these huge gaps between posts lately. I hate that I keep promising myself to change that and then just end up sucking at it. I hate that I’ve become such a huge slacker and that I want so desperately to change it but my body and mind just can’t seem to get on board with it.

I had spent quite awhile freaking out about baby stuff. We finally went in for the ultrasound that I had talked about in my last post and it went really well. It was fun because The Boyfriend got to come in for the whole entire thing and we got to watch it from beginning to end – two things that have never happened before.

All our worries were greatly relieved when we were told that everything is looking great. Baby’s heart is looking fine and he’s right on track for his growth. Now we’ve just got to go for the Glucose Screening Test and then probably another ultrasound closer to the end of the pregnancy.

The kids have all been a serious handful and a half these last few days, maybe even going on a couple weeks. We’ve left Kaeidyn to babysit a couple times while we ran to get coffees or whatever and the power goes to her head and she becomes little miss bossy, in the worst kind of way. It irritates the boys to no end and then she has the hardest time coming out of the wannabe-mommy-mindframe.

Carter is by-far the one that hates it the most. And he has just not been able to get along with anyone for anything. He’s constantly getting on someone’s nerves. He’s been really klutzy lately and has been hurting himself on a regular basis. He will literally sit at the top of the stairs and fall down them on purpose. He doesn’t even cry, just gets up and does it again. I tend to raise my voice in his direction a heck of a lot more than I’d like to.

Kenzie has been an emotional wreck and is prone to burst out into tears the moment he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. Lately, that seems to be going over to other people’s houses – whether it’s my Mom’s or a friend of his – and the moment you say “no”, he’s bawling on the couch. Or one of the kids will start copying him and he just breaks down in tears. It’s been days of calming him constantly.

Even Keirnan has been more of a pain in the butt than normal. He’s been noisier and has gotten to that terrible stage where he’s prone to hit long before even considering to use his words. And he is seriously getting so terrible for his lying, all the time, about everything. Even things that don’t need a lie. I don’t get it and I don’t completely get how to stop it either. We’ve tried all the tricks I remember from the other kids and they just don’t seem to be working…

The Boyfriend has the next two days off and we’ve got plenty of plans. First and foremost is a lot of cleaning. We have been seriously neglectful and I’m officially done with that. Upstairs, downstairs, laundry and yard – it’s all gotta get done. Then we’ve got dinner at both our Mom’s places, which I’m looking forward to, because I’ve been desperately wanting to get out of the house and have a reason to do so. I also hope that I can find time to focus some attention on my online stuff. I keep saying that I’m going to and then end up not and I’m just so ready to get over that. I’m so ready to get some work done!

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Week of Nervous Wreckage

Long time, no write! My apologies. 

It’s been a week, to say the least. Not necessarily a good week, not necessarily a bad week. It’s been a week that has been full of emotional ups and downs. It’s been a week that has me utterly exhausted and feeling pregnant in every inch of my body. It’s been a week that I am beyond ready to have over. And it’s definitely been a week that I haven’t wanted to write about (and I’m definitely not enjoying that.. the not wanting to write thing…).

We’ll start at the beginning, Monday. We had our second ultrasound to go to and we were all very excited. The older three kids were hoping to come along, but they ended up getting stuck out at their Dad’s for the day. Carter came with The Boyfriend and I. They waited out in the waiting room while I traveled back with the technician. It was a long ultrasound and after about forty-five minutes, she asked if we could do an internal ultrasound so that she could “check my cervix“. Another fifteen minutes passed and the official exam was over.

The technician helped me wipe up the cooled gel and told me I could go get The Boyfriend and she was just going to go talk to the doctor. It all started adding up in my head:¬†super long ultrasound + external & internal ultrasound + talking to the doctor = something’s not quite right.¬†I felt like a nervous wreck by the time I got to The Boyfriend and I grabbed his hand and whispered to him, “Something’s up…“. We went back into the room and I told him all the things I just told you and then we had to wait another fifteen minutes for the technician to get back, with no word about anything that had just happened.

Even though we had seen that our technician got beautiful pictures of our baby’s face, during the actual showing-to-us part of the exam, she seemed to be focused on the legs and the “cute” feet. Carter quickly lost interest in what was on the screen and The Boyfriend and I giggled and held hands tightly. She asked if we wanted to know the sex and we both enthusiastically said yes and we were told we’re having a boy – not exactly the news we were hoping for (especially the older three kids), but we’re happy nonetheless.

Baby #5 - It's a Boy - April 2016
Baby #5 – It’s a Boy – April 2016

We left and I¬†bitched to The Boyfriend about the whole thing and we went and picked up the kids and all was good. Two days later, I got a call from my doctor’s office saying that they wanted me to come in early to discuss the results of my ultrasound. The nurse says to me, “It’s important you don’t panic“. I hang up the phone after booking my appointment and immediately burst into tears thinking the absolute worst things possible. Those words, “It’s important you don’t panic“, had me panicking more as I worried “Is it important I don’t panic because it could cause harm to me or the baby or is important I don’t panic because there’s nothing to panic about?!?” and I had a good forty minutes of absolute nervous wreckage!

So then, I whip out all my pregnancy books that I’ve accumulated over the years and spend the rest of the night searching up anything dealing with ultrasounds and cervixes. Had myself almost entirely convinced that I probably had an incompetent cervix and why were my doctors dealing with it so stupidly. I was greatly relieved when we went to our appointment and found out that that was not the issue at all.

Most babies umbilical cords have 3 vessels. In approximately 1% of pregnancies there are only 2 vessels. We are the 1%. 

At this point, we are not worrying about these results. We’re waiting to hear from the perinatologist to book a more in-depth ultrasound that will tell us whether or not there is anything to worry about. In 75% of pregnancies with a 2-vessel cord, the baby is born normal and healthy and fine, and at this present moment, there is nothing to indicate that we wouldn’t be in that 75%. And if we’re not, we’ll deal with that when we know for sure! After a drive out to Calgary, an even longer ultrasound and then a wait until our next prenatal appointment…

The kids have been a handful and a half, especially during the weekend when they were home and full of energy on the cold and rainy days we had. None of them are getting along very well at all right now and it is driving the parents batty. Carter and Kaeidyn are always at each other’s throats and his favorite thing to say to her is “Enough!“, which seriously pisses her off. Really, I suppose, it’s Carter not getting along with anybody else and they all constantly want to have space from him and he just really doesn’t like that.

Today was Kenzie’s birthday and we also got a new-to-us couch. We’ve been saying for months now, maybe even years, that we needed to get rid of our junk furniture and get new stuff and today we made the first huge strides. Finally threw out my broken and ratty lamp and got The Boyfriend to get a new one. Finally moved two couches that were super wrecked out of the living room and moved the new couch in, which resulted in us having to push everything else in the living room over to the right by about a foot. We plan to actually take all the junk furniture to the dump tomorrow, but after all the work we did today, I seriously needed a rest.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since the kids went to bed. My feet are up and I’ve been laying out for at least an hour now in hopes that the spasm in my hip will go away and the baby will stop pushing on me uncomfortably. The Boyfriend has been taking super good care of me so that I can relax after working so hard today and for that I am super grateful. It’s a good end to a full day!

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Sick and Pregnant

I have been ridiculously sick for the last three or four days. Yesterday was the first day that I could breathe out my nose and I’ve never been more grateful for the ability! It came on swiftly and I had a whole two days of nothing but complaints, tons of tissues and so much mouth-breathing. Having a cold and also being pregnant made the whole experience that much worse.

I haven’t completely ended the morning sickness phase. While it’s not as constant as it was in the first trimester, certain things still make me super queasy. I still have to be especially careful how much coffee I drink, because one sip over baby’s limit sends me running for the toilet. Then, the soreness throughout my body is just incredible. I remember pregnancy hurting in every joint and muscle but it still tends to take me by surprise, as parts of my body that I typically don’t feel, suddenly scream out in pain.

We get to go for the next ultrasound in four days and everyone is incredibly excited. We’re all desperate to find out what we’re having and more than one calendar has been marked in anticipation of finally getting to see a real baby. Especially now that we’re starting to feel the baby move (just…). It’s all becoming very real and that’s an exciting stage to be getting to. It’s really interesting to be experiencing it with the kids, now that they’re all grown up.

Kaeidyn has been my little caretaker. She hounds me to take my prenatal vitamins and anytime I’m not feeling well, she’ll go above and beyond to try and make me feel better. It’s very cute how she lovingly puts her hand on my slowly expanding stomach and asks me, “How’s baby doing?”, before touching my forehead, as if to check my temperature. Keirnan has really taken no notice at all in the pregnancy or the baby and only shows any type of interest when a group of people are showing interest. The only thing that he has said and continues to say is that he hopes it’s a girl. Kenzie’s head is right at the height of my stomach and he’s been enjoying giving me huge hugs anytime I’m standing. He smushes his little face up to my stomach and squeezes tightly.

Carter spends a lot of his time being rough to my stomach and The Boyfriend and I almost always have a discussion about how he’s going to be so jealous when baby gets here. He’ll roughly poke and prod my stomach or squeeze my flesh in his clenched fists. He’s been climbing all over both the parents lately and will sit directly on top of the round of my stomach. While he’s excited and curious and interested – asking tons of questions and wanting to be involved – he generally gets unknowingly rough with my stomach. I think he’s going to have the hardest time out of all of the kids adjusting to a baby in the house – mainly, having to share his Mom and Dad with someone needier than him.

We went for a nice drive yesterday to take the kids out to Alfie’s. Have I ever told you how much I love that we can drive? We drop them off at the McDonald’s in Leduc, which is right across the highway from an airport. We sat in the parking lot long enough to see four planes go overhead and it absolutely made our day. Carter was invited to go with the kids for the first time ever but we said no, because none of the kids have been getting along well lately, and especially not Carter and the older ones. So, I decided that they needed a break from each other. Have I ever told you how much I love having that option?

The Boyfriend goes back to work after having the last two weeks off this weekend, which is a little sad. I’m looking forward to getting back into some sort of routine because having him home means that I spent a lot of time seriously slacking. Many nights passed where I didn’t do the dishes or make dinner or even move from my spot once. He’s managed to work this next week where he works a couple days and then gets a couple off and then works a couple and then a couple off – and it’s honestly so great to have that to transition back from holidays.

The rest of this weekend, the plan is for me to muster as much energy as possible to get some of the cleaning projects off of my to-do list. I really gotta buckle down and get these floors mopped and while The Boyfriend is home is the best time to do it. As long as the couple things are done by the time the older kids get back from their Dad’s on Sunday. It’s going to be a busy weekend ūüėČ

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Beautiful Weekend

The weather has been beyond beautiful. So beautiful that you want to spend every single moment of the day outside. We went from being in the negatives to being double digits into the positive and it has made me one heck of a happy girl.

Yesterday, The Boyfriend came home from work and informed me that, unbeknownst to me, he had booked his holidays and they started right then and there. I thought we still had months to go, so it was a wonderful surprise. Then he decided that he wanted to go spend money that was burning a hole in his pocket, so he called and booked appointments for Kaeidyn and I to get our hair cut.

I had added this particular task to my to-do list many months ago. I hadn’t gotten my haircut in about 8 years and it was unhealthy and ridiculously long. Kaeidyn and I both picked pixie cuts but with a completely different style. It was so much fun to watch her go from long hair to short hair. I thought I was going to cry so hard, since I did the last time I got my haircut, but I dealt with it pretty well and was quite excited when it was finally done.¬†It’s the shortest I’ve had my hair since the last time I shaved my head.

We even went to a couple music shops around town and checked out the guitars and drums and violins and pianos and the kids were so well behaved during the entire outing – which was a good 5 or 6 hours long. When we got home, I was still wanting to be outside, so I took some of the kids to the park for a little bit. It was pretty windy out, so we didn’t stay long, but it was a good walk and everyone enjoyed it.

Today, the sun was shining bright early this morning. It made me immediately want to get up and move. We had also promised the boys that we would take them shopping today and had said that we had hoped to go to Rotary Park – probably our most favorite park in the whole city. Although it took us a little bit to get up and going, we did exactly that. First, we went and enjoyed the sunshine down at Rotary. Keirnan and Kenzie spent their whole time on the monkey bars and Kaeidyn spent almost all of hers on the swings, Carter was the only kid to really explore the park. Then, we walked up the big long staircase. It was hell on my knees and by the top, I was heaving for air.

Afterwards, we went to Wal-Mart and the kids all got little things – toys for the boys and CD’s for Kaeidyn. I was hoping to find a pair of pants or running shoes – since pregnancy has made me need both! – but they didn’t have a single thing I liked. I even looked for a dress or a skirt, but had absolutely no luck. Oh well, maybe next time…

Now I think the next couple of days will be solely dedicated to getting the house clean. The Boyfriend was amazing and got the kids to help him clean the living room this morning and Kaeidyn’s been doing a bunch of laundry, but the kitchen and our room is in desperate need of a good deep clean. And being that The Boyfriend’s on holidays, I see no problems in getting in done.

My last prenatal appointment went really well and everything’s looking normal and fine. We’re impatiently awaiting our next ultrasound in about 2 weeks and crossing our fingers that we’ll get a girl gender reveal. Then, it’s time for the dreaded Glucose Screening Test, which I’ve hated doing every single pregnancy – this time is no exception. The juice-y/pop/syrup stuff makes my head feel gross, and I hate gross-head. Looking forward to everything coming back normal on that.

One last thing, if you haven’t noticed, “The Erotica” category is now gone and has been replaced with “The Writing” category. I decided that I didn’t want to limit myself to only writing erotica – what if I ended up deciding to write something without sex or sexuality in it? – so the name was changed. You’ll still find my erotica there, but you’ll also find other stuff too.

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The Last Couple Days

It’s been a good couple of days around here, even if it has felt overwhelming at times and even though I’ve been struggling with worry. The kids have all been a handful and a half, especially the boys who are not only getting on each other’s nerves but everyone else’s as well. Then, more visits to the doctor than I would like are keeping me awake at night, plus my body feels all tight and cranky, so I’m exhausted!

We went to our second prenatal appointment the other day. We were hoping to get some answers, like if I would be put on medication for high blood pressure, but instead the appointment just swung open the door to even more questions.

First, we brought all the kids in to hopefully listen to the baby’s heartbeat and the doctor tried and tried past the point of every one of the kids becoming bored and we just couldn’t get it. The Boyfriend felt uneasy about that, but that’s probably because we never had a problem getting Carter’s heartbeat – so it’s new to him. Then we discussed my blood tests, which showed that my red blood cells are large. So now we’re going for further blood tests to see if it’s a Vitamin B12 deficiency or liver disease or just pregnancy-related. And then we ended up ordering a 24-hour blood pressure monitor to get a definitive answer on that, and I pick that up in a day or two.

After about six years of not seeing a doctor to seeing one every other week… It doesn’t sit well with me! It makes me nervous and I just want it to be over and done with.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of days trying to catch up on some the online things that I’ve neglected for a long time. Tumblr kind of distracted me and I spent the majority of my time deleting, tagging and organizing my Tumblr. It’s looking pretty good and I can’t wait to hop on over there later tonight and get adding more. I’ve got a Top 5 Tumblrs to do AND the winter #TumblrFavorites is almost ready to go!

I’ve also been playing a ridiculous amount of The Sims 4. The Boyfriend tried for days on end to get me to play and I just couldn’t find the interest, even after I downloaded another Stuff Pack. Finally, after the kids bogarted it for a few days, I decided to go on. Created a new family, because I can’t seem to stick with one anymore. However, something happened and I ended up losing that because it didn’t save. So today, I spent a huge portion of the day on it.

I’ve been meaning to take screenshots or videos or something of my gameplay, but the last couple of days I’ve just really wanted to focus on playing. I feel like there’s still so much of that game that I haven’t even come close to experiencing yet. So, I’ve been taking my time to really explore and have been focusing a lot on Clubs lately. I even made my own Club for the first time today and managed to have about four gatherings, which allowed me to get quite a few Club Perks. I’m finding Clubs to be a very interesting addition to the overall gameplay.

And I’ve even gotten quite a bit of cleaning done over the last two or three days. I’ve been making The Boyfriend deal with laundry and interrupt his gaming the moment I realize the machine is done. The kids, even though they’re not listening and fighting, are being helpful when I ask them to. Today, they did an amazing job getting the living room clean as long as I could keep Carter distracted.

He has just been in a bug everyone type of mood. He wants to be best buds with Kenzie and Keirnan, but neither of them really have an interest in him or any of his interests right now. They’ve all been super-competitive lately, each trying to out-do the other. One boy will say that he was good at something and the other boys will insist that they’re better or that his good thing was simply a fluke. Carter, because he’s hating being the youngest right now, seems to be the worst and always has to have the last word.

Kenzie has been ridiculously loud lately and I can guarantee he’s not even noticing it. Today, we were all sitting in the living room and the boys were playing relatively quietly. Kenzie starts to get louder and louder and louder, when the parents turn and ask him to quiet down. This happens probably three or four times before he gets in trouble for being so loud after being asked so many times not to. Immediately he breaks down in tears because he had no idea that he was getting louder. It’s only really weird because he’ll notice when everyone else gets louder and asks them to quiet down but can’t notice himself at all.

Keirnan has been violent a lot lately and has gotten in trouble quite a few times over the last few days because he deals with every single issue with his fist. Then, when he gets caught in the act or after the fact, doesn’t matter, he’ll try to fib his way out of it. I don’t know if I’d call it an out-and-out lie because he’s been pretty afraid of getting in trouble for that again, but it’s like he’s trying to manipulate the narrative to better the chances of someone else getting in trouble – usually Carter. I tell ya, boys are hard!

Kaeidyn’s been Kaeidyn. She’s been sleeping in a lot later and we’ve even had a couple mornings where the parents were out of bed before her. That hasn’t happened in ages. She goes for her babysitting course soon and she’s incredibly excited about that and she’s spent the last little while trying to talk me into letting her throw a baby shower for me, so it’s been a lot of, “When I get babysitting license I can start saving money” and “When I get money, I’m going to buy you the cutest thing for your party” and “We could play this game and this game and eat this food and invite these people” and just on and on. I love that she’s so excited for a baby though!

Well, I think I’ve talked about everything there is to talk about. Good talk ūüėČ

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Still Strange

Why is it that The Boyfriend’s babies always cause me so much joint pain? With the three older kids, during my pregnancies, sure I was beyond sick and in the hospital almost all the time because of gallbladder pain or kidney infections or premature labor. But never once did I experience any joint pain with them whatsoever.

Get pregnant with Carter and almost immediately start having severe knee pain. It lasts the whole pregnancy and then some and my doctor becomes concerned that I’ve got arthritis. Then, the pain subsides and I have no real issues for almost five¬†years. Then, I get pregnant this time and the joint pain is back with a vengeance.

It’s been near impossible to get a comfortable sleep for a good three or four nights now. From my hands and wrists really bugging me to that damnable knee pain. It’s absolutely terrible and by far, my least favorite part of pregnancies with The Boyfriend’s babies!

I’ve been feeling very blah lately too. Last week, I would’ve told you I was excited and nervous for pregnancy and babies. This week, I’m feeling like it’s not real and like I’m not ready for it all. I’m hella excited for the baby, I’m not excited at all for the toddler or the 5-year-old. I’m dreading those toddler years something fierce.

I keep trying to remind myself that it will be easier this time around, because our situation is so different. It will be easier because it will only be one toddler instead of a handful of them. It will be easier because there’s so many more eyes able to watch a toddler. It will be easier because I’m not nearly as stressed out by things now as I was back then. I have to keep remembering that it will be easier this time. However, it doesn’t take away from the dread I am feeling towards those years.

I still just can’t get over the fact that four pregnancies, I knew I was pregnant long before I took any tests. This pregnancy, it still doesn’t feel entirely real even though we’ve now had multiple positive tests AND we’ve even seen the baby. And yet somehow, it still doesn’t feel real. When I wake up in the morning feeling nauseous and sore and terrible, I never think to myself, “Oh, it’s because I’m pregnant!”. And what the heck is that about?!?

It’s so strange being pregnant again after so long of not being pregnant. I say it at least once a day. Everything just feels so new and different.