The Rantings - For Everyone


My Mom said that I’ve been sleeping a lot lately today. I literally laughed out loud because it must seem that way. Every time she’s showed up to the house abruptly over the last two weeks, I’ve been laying down trying to nap. But sleeping a lot…

That has not been happening. My sleep has been so screwed up that I feel like I am getting absolutely none. And my energy levels have been a clear sign that I haven’t been getting enough. And if that hasn’t given the clue, then my bitchiness sure will!

I’ve been having a lot of problems with my hips and legs – as is mostly to be expected during this stage of pregnancy. I think I’ve got a touch of Restless Leg Syndrome going on because the moment I lay down to go to sleep, my legs start seriously aching. It starts above my knee and then just kinda shoots out from there. Within 30 minutes of laying down anywhere for any reason, I’m having to go for a super hot bath just to ease the discomfort a little bit.

I’m sure to everyone it’s been feeling like I’ve been “sleeping” a lot. By this, they mean I’m up in my room in my bed. But sleeping, I’m definitely not. I spend most of the night awake tossing and turning or getting up and down to go pee or take baths – which I take at least two of almost every day. I’m just so uncomfortable physically that sleep never comes. By the time morning comes around, I haven’t slept a wink and I’m full-fledged irritated.

Luckily, for the most part, The Boyfriend has been incredibly understanding. Especially being that I’ve been terrible at getting in and out of bed without waking him up. So I normally get to stay in bed after he gets up with baby. It normally takes me a good long hour to fall asleep once he leaves the bed and I finally get two hours. Then he wakes me up and it’s mostly just me being tired and bitchy all darn day!

Some days, I’ll be so exhausted that when the kids get home from school, I’ll ask if I can go lay down for a bit. Again, so incredibly lucky on my part, because the kids are also incredibly understanding and enthusiastically reply, “You go ahead and lay down Mom!”. However, sleep is almost never had during this hour of laying down. It’s mostly listening to them play downstairs. But the laying down helps with the headache that always sets in from the lack of sleep.

Sometimes I’m seriously so surprised that I’m dealing so well with the lack of sleep. I’m functioning pretty decently on the short uncomfortable sleeps that I’m getting. Sometimes, I’m just so down and out about it and can’t help but be bitchy and snappy and utterly useless!

I hate how the third trimester kicks in and it just takes over your whole life. Sure, the discomforts of the first two trimester are hard to deal with, but the third trimester always seems like it’s impossible to manage. You often wonder how you’re ever going to make it through.

We’re coming up very quickly on the end of this whole thing. Only 11 weeks left and probably less than that being that we’re planning to do a c-section. We’ve decided to do the c-section almost entirely so that I can get my tubes tied at the same time and we can just be done with all of it, all at once. I haven’t gotten nervous about the c-section aspect of it yet, although I imagine that will change once we meet with the obstetrician. Right now, I’m just excited about it.

The prospect of never getting pregnant again, especially when I’m currently so fed up with being pregnant, is just making me long for the end. I’m so ready, it’s ridiculous.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Beautiful Circle

I always think it’s so funny how much of pregnancy you forget about, even when you were only pregnant a little while ago. For most of my pregnancies, they happened shortly after a previous pregnancy. Within a year. The longest gap I’ve got is between Carter and Cazzwell, and that was 7 years.

But just two summers ago, I was struggling through my pregnancy with Cazzwell and already have forgotten how hard it can sometimes be.

I’ve spent a good solid week just in this absolute bitchy state. I can’t seem to shake this terrible feeling all throughout my body and it just brings down my mind so much. I can literally sit here seething because still yet my hip is too cramped to climb the stairs at anything faster than a snails pace or because I needed more help getting something done than it should take.

We go out grocery shopping yesterday. I had been dreading it for days, just not looking forward to doing it or putting my body through it – honestly, I haven’t wanted to leave the house at all. So, it was already a total “ugh” situation. We hit the first store and I’m doing okay at first. Then, we get to the meat aisle and all I can do is limp pathetically about the rest of the store as that pain sinks into my hip and my whole left leg starts to tingle. But it’s okay, I can push through it.

Hitting the second store was utter hell. I literally ducked out of the checkout, told The Boyfriend he’d have to do t he rest of it and sat until he was done. Made him load all the groceries into the van and made him and the kids unload it all when we got home. And I just hate when I have to have everyone around me working like little ants while I sit there in pain trying not to cry!

I always forget how hard it is to sleep during this part of the pregnancy. The part where your body is expanding and it can tell. The part where you can’t predict when you’re baby’s active hours are, so you fall asleep to them kicking the shit out of you and you wake up, multiple times a night to them kicking the shit out of you. The part where at a moments notice you could need to run to the bathroom to pee!

I got a good long sleep last night. The kids and The Boyfriend have been beyond wonderful letting me sleep in almost every morning because they all know I’m struggling. I was up in bed for hours upon hours. And yet, when Cazz crawled over me this morning ready to get up, I felt like I hadn’t even slept a wink. I just remember tossing and turning all night long.

I am finding some general comfort in the knowledge that this will most definitely be my last pregnancy. The plan as it stands is to go in and have this baby by c-section and get my tubes tied while they’ve got me opened up. Now that we know we’re having a girl, both The Boyfriend and I are officially ready to be done for good. I think, even if it weren’t a girl, I would be tapping out after this one. I don’t think my body can do this for much longer.

It’s so crazy to me to think about all the time over the last 13 years that I’ve spent pregnant or having babies. It basically equals out to 54 months in total that I’ve been pregnant – give or take a few weeks here or there. 2 out of 6 of my pregnancies have been premature to some extent, 1 pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. But all-in-all, it’s been about 54 months of pregnancy. And while 5 out of 13 years doesn’t sound like a lot, it sure does feel like a lot.

When I started my journey with pregnancies all those years ago, it was with a girl. Now that I’m ending my journey with pregnancies, it feels almost divine that I’m ending it with a girl. I also started with a c-section (although that was an unplanned emergency c-section) and am ending with a c-section (that is planned). Now, as long as nothing else is the same as it was the first time around, we’ll be all good!

I suffered with pretty bad post-partum depression with Kaeidyn. From about my 5th month of pregnancy on until she was about 6 months old. It was massively exacerbated when I was told I had the perfect nipples for breastfeeding and was really looking forward to trying it and then because of the emergency aspect of the c-section, ended up getting an infection so bad that even my breastmilk was infected. So all my hopes of breastfeeding were wiped off the table really soon after she was born, because she downright refused to drink it. All my hopes and dreams were really crushed with her – wanting to have this all-natural, vaginal labor with a healthy baby and then ending up doped up on Prozac and then epidurals and having a c-section for a baby that refused my milk. It was devastating.

I don’t want to say that it feels like the universe is giving me a second chance with this baby, because I don’t think I need a second chance. For all the hell we went through in the beginning, Kaeidyn is now a healthy and thriving teenager who does all the things you want a teenager to do. I always say “She was the first pancake and that one always comes out bad!“. So, it’s not a second chance but it kinda feels like this cathartic thing.

When The Boyfriend and I first started becoming interested in dating, I kept saying that there were “signs“, like signs from the universe that it was meant to be. I’m not normally a person who believes in these types of things because I don’t think there’s some pre-destined path we’re all supposed to be on. However, there are times in life when it feels like the universe is trying to tell you something. You have the same dream over and over again, you keep re-living some experience over and over again, things just stick out so obviously as something that has to be bigger.

It kinda feels like this pregnancy is that. I was saying in my post Must Be Pregnant, that I want to come to the decision to be done having babies all on my own. And while I have done that, it sometimes also feels like the universe is giving me all the signs. I used to always talk about the vicious circles in my life – these repetitive bad events. And now I feel like I get to have this beautiful circle moment.

fingers crossed

The Rantings - For Everyone

9 Things You May Not Know About Me

Some of you may have been reading my blogs for years and some of you may have only just found me. Some of you may know me from real life and some of you may have chatted with me online. Almost all of you will know that there’s not that much that you don’t already know about me, but just in case, here’s 9 Things You May Not Know About Me!

  1. I’m a Smoker

    Hello, my name is Valerie Rayne, and I am a smoker… I am not proud of the fact that I smoke and have quit in the past only to pick up the bad habit once more. I have every intention of quitting, someday soon-ish, although my almost two pack a day consumption is hardly convincing anyone. I had my first cigarette when I was 11-years-old and was later caught by my school principal. I vowed never to smoke again and then there was Alfie. That was almost 13 years ago… I’m a smoker.

  2. My Body is Full of Scars

    First, I’ve had 4 babies. Don’t even get me started on the stretch marks, some that are hard to believe are now over 10 years old! My first, Kaeidyn, was an emergency c-section which was absolutely butchered by the surgeon – left me with a crooked line with a dent in the middle, separating my stomach from my pubic mound! Then, in my early twenties, during a serious battle with depression, self-mutilation ran rampant over the flesh of my thighs and arms. My body is full of scars.

  3. I’ve Failed… A Lot…

    It all began my first year of high school and physical education was mandatory and I was just not feeling the whole physical thing. It didn’t take long before my high grades quickly followed that first “F” into the abyss of failure. After a huge setback in Grade 12, I dropped out 2 weeks into my graduating year. I enrolled in a community college of sorts, dropped out a few months later because there was no babysitter backup plan. I’ve been evicted, homeless, on welfare, fired from jobs, broke, broken and I’ve failed… a lot…!

  4. I’m a Serial Monogamist

    I have basically been in long-term relationships since I turned 14. My first love and I dated for 2 1/2 years and experienced all of the “firsts” together. Approximately 8 months went by before I met Alfie. We were together for almost 6 years (give or take, being that we broke up for a few weeks here or there and for a pregnancy) – albeit, we weren’t exactly monogamous. Alfie and I had only been broken up for a few weeks when The Boyfriend and I got together, and we just surpassed our 7 year anniversary. I’m a serial monogamist.

  5. I Suffer from Depression

    After I became pregnant with Kaeidyn, I began experiencing extreme bouts of depression. This has twice landed me in mental institutions, once for an overdose and once for self-mutilation. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Although I dip into “funks” almost every other month, I have been virtually symptom free for over five years without medication. I suffer from depression.

  6. I’m on YouTube

    Not many people know this about me and I think it’s the one thing people find most shocking about me. I’ve recorded a few covers and put them up there (although none of them are as good as the ones I used to have on there, but now have no access to…) and I’m also in the recordings of the hangouts that The Erotic Writers Group did back in 2013. One day, I plan on going back to making videos and I often mean to and then forget entirely, however I’m on YouTube…

  7. I’m Scared of Everything…

    Little birds, ducks, loud noises, thunderstorms, just to name a few. Spiders and dirt and tall grass and deep water. Seaweed and algae, racing heartbeats and stomach aches. Basements and attics, outdoors at night. New foods, new people, new technology, new anything. I have mini panic attacks over simple fears and I find new things to be afraid of everyday. Sometimes, I can work through my fear and deal with it, sometimes I break down and sob like the world is ending. I’m scared of everything!

  8. I Have No Friends

    I have family. I have boyfriends and ex-boyfriends and their families. These people I consider to be my best friends, the ones who will be there for me and love me through everything. I have Facebook friends, mostly people I know through my brother or sister, definitely not people I regularly associate with. I have online friends, where I only know them online and have only ever talked online. Acquaintances more than friends. I find friendship to be a very difficult thing – from the making to the keeping – and I’m not sure I’m complaining. Therefore, I have no friends.

  9. I’m a Picky Eater

    I’ve always been a picky eater. It’s something I desperately want to get over but I just can’t seem to do it. I like potatoes, eggs and rice, beef, pork and chicken, breads, gravy and corn. That’s pretty much it. I’ll eat a few other fruits or vegetables throughout the seasons and get a serious craving for broccoli at least once a year, but other than that, I like to keep it really basic. I don’t like spicy foods or sweet foods, I’m not a huge fan of savory foods and only rarely have a desire for salty foods. I’m a picky eater.

So, there’s 9 things you may not have known about me. Did you find any of them surprising or did you already know them all? Maybe I’ll come up with more things, but at this time, I can’t think of anything you wouldn’t already know. Hope you enjoyed 😉