I Caved Because That’s What I Do

The Rantings - For Everyone

Written about a week ago:

I stopped saying “I love you” nine days ago…

I didn’t think he had noticed and now that I think about it, it took him quite a few days to notice. Day seven, I started getting upset that he wasn’t noticing, so I said, “I can’t believe it’s been seven days“. After a few wrong guesses he said, “Since you said you loved me?” and I looked at him almost surprised that he had actually figured it out.

I said, “Oh really? You noticed?!?

He said, “I kinda thought something was up the other night on Facebook.

I said, “And you didn’t think to say anything?!?

The conversation basically ends and we spend the next half hour in awkward silence. He leaves for work and doesn’t say “I love you“, like he always does and has been doing for the last eight years.

I send him a Facebook message. “FYI, choosing to not say “I love you” to me is definitely not the way to deal with me not saying it for the past 8 days. Unless you want to become the type of couple that doesn’t say it…

He responds on his lunch break, I’m assuming mostly jokingly that, “Maybe I’ve been saying it too much for you lately.

I send him back a novel-length rant about how it would be nice if instead of just assuming what I’m thinking, he would ask. I rant at him, “Do you not care?!?” and throw in some un-useful profanities and then just abandon my argument, “Forget I said, or didn’t say, anything!“. I’m tired, I don’t feel like talking about it anymore, I’ve given up. So, I go to bed and don’t say anything for the rest of the night.

This morning, he comes home from work. You can see the upset all over his face, but he plays it cool and comes and grabs baby and makes it seem like he’s giving me the option to sleep in. I was just going to sleep but my bladder wouldn’t give up, so I came down to go to the washroom. Then, I sat on the couch with him.

After a little while of a tense silence, he says, “I was going to respond to you last night. Wrote a bunch on my lunch break and then deleted it…“. I couldn’t help a sarcastic, “That’s great!“. A few more minutes of silence and then he says timidly, “Maybe I haven’t been caring very much lately.” and of course, I’m completely taken aback. Because I seriously thought I was being irrational when I said it.

Ever since my birthday…“, he adds.

On his birthday this year, we were having an especially rough week. Money wasn’t working out, the kids were all being absolutely out of control, shit just wasn’t being friendly to us. On his birthday morning, when I very first woke up, before I had even had my first sip of coffee or was even aware that it was March 3rd, he was desperate to hear “Happy Birthday“. And I get it, it was the big 3-0.

So, he’s absolutely right. I was a total bitch that day for not making a bigger deal of his birthday. And the bad girlfriend award goes to…

But I couldn’t help but be slightly upset. Because yet again, here we are – I bring up a problem that I’m having, in the way that I always bring it up – awkwardly! But instead of discussing why I’m having a problem or what my issue is, it suddenly gets flipped to why he’s having a problem or what his issue is and how it’s all my fault…

I just honestly didn’t feel like talking about it in this direction. He’s supposed to care about why I haven’t been saying it. And could I tell you exactly why I haven’t been? Not completely. I think I have a list of things, but for every single one of them, I could tell you exactly how he would respond to make it my fault. And he wouldn’t be wrong. He asks with a hint of snark, “So then, why haven’t you been saying it?“. Bottom lip quivering, voice shaking, I threw up my hands and said, “What’s the point?!?“.

The conversation was dropped entirely. Until he went to go up to bed – at a decent hour, might I add!

We cuddled on the couch for a long time. Then he hugged me and said he had to go to bed. “I really do love you so much…. Much more than you think I do.“, and I mumbled into his neck that I wanted to come to bed with him. He invited me up and we went and crawled into bed. While what he said is amazing and sweet and beautiful, it’s not what I wanted to hear or how I wanted the conversation to end.

I’m well aware of the fact that he loves me. There is no doubt in my mind. And I hope that I’ve made it very clear to him that this has nothing to do with me not loving him because I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love him. But me not saying “I love you” to him had nothing to do with love.

I wanted him to notice! And then care! And be interested!

Let’s be real – we don’t have that much in common. He likes action movies, I like dramas. He likes videogames, I like blogging. He likes Star Wars, I like Star Trek. I’m kinky, he’s vanilla!!!! We don’t have much in common.

And this is where I get the great girlfriend award! I take on his interests so that we do share something. I play his vidoegames and keep up on the news so that when E3 rolls around and he starts wishlisting games like crazy, I know what he’s talking about. I listen to the Star Wars news years before the movies are even considering being released and keep up on which Jedi did what. I pay fucking attention!!

But, in 8 years, he hasn’t read a single one of my blog posts… When I play guitar, he turns away from me with his videogame volume up and is totally focused on an online game – so he doesn’t even try to keep the kids quiet for a session… He’s never opted in to watching any of my YouTube videos – unless I put them on when he’s sitting next to me… He shows no interest in my interests whatsoever and can hardly even fake it if I’m talking about it. He literally looks completely dazed if I start talking about how I can’t form a barre chord or that my domain registration needs to be renewed in a few months!

And yet again, falling asleep during my attempt at a second orgasm just totally blew the whole thing up in my face!

I wanted him to notice me. And care about me. And be interested in me. So, I stopped saying “I love you“, in hopes that he would take notice of the fact that I wasn’t saying our most favorite words in the whole world. In hopes that he would care why I wasn’t. In hopes that he would be interested. But, that wasn’t the case…

I can never stand when there is that awkward tension between us. I hate when there’s silence and when our arms aren’t wrapped around each other. I especially can’t stand it when it begins to feel like all those feelings are irrational in some way. I just want it to end and he doesn’t typically end it (he’d probably say something like, “Because you never give me a chance!”). He can give me the silent treatment for days. So, I’ll normally drop it and that’s exactly what I did.

I told him I loved him on the 9th day. I meant every word of it.

#Sexperience Fails: When FFM Threesomes Go Wrong

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

I was 17 and pregnant with my first child by the man, who I joked through our whole relationship was, “the one night stand that wouldn’t end!“. He had a guy friend, I’ll call him Mark, who was dating a girl I’ll call Sam. She was a little younger than us and incredibly beautiful. I was tall and skinny and she was short and curvy. Alfie and I were very open about the fact that we were both curious about a variety of kinks. That month, we had discovered blind canes.

Our window blinds had broken. The cane to open and close them had popped off and wouldn’t go back on. It just happened to be laying on the floor by the couch when we had Mark and Sam over for a game of poker, a couple hits from the bong and the boys probably drank beer. A joke was made about the blind cane and somehow it ends with Sam in front of a mirror, me behind here wailing on her ass with the cane, while the two guys sit on the bed behind us sipping beer. The night ended abruptly.

Mark came over the next night without Sam. Alfie and I teased that we should have a threesome. He reached his hand up my skirt rather brazenly as his friend watched on. I went for a bath and Alfie and I had a heart-to-heart – were we really going to do this? How would Sam feel about it? – and ultimately decided that Alfie would go back upstairs and put the feelers out with Mark and come and get me if it were a yes.

The agreement we came to was that Alfie was allowed to fuck me, Mark was only allowed a blowjob. So, I knelt between Mark’s legs, ass high in the air and proceeded to suck his laundry detergent scented cock as Alfie fucked me from behind. I remember the experience being incredibly hot and when they finished close to each other, I laid down between them and Alfie and I made out as I masturbated and Mark watched on.

A few nights later, Sam came over by herself. She knew about our experience with Mark and wanted a taste of her own. She wanted to show me what I had done to her ass with the cane only a few nights prior and we snuck into the bathroom to take a peek. Alfie tried to sneak in and both of us shrieked at him – if she, if we wanted him to see, we would’ve done it right there in front of him. I know it made me feel uneasy, I can only imagine how she felt.

Eventually, we get to a point where we’re all ready to go. I couldn’t tell you any of the details leading up to the moment. I remember Alfie laying on the bed between us in his boxers. I remember Sam and I giggling not really knowing where to start first. I remember Alfie telling me to kiss her. I remember her braces pressed up against my lips.

Alfie says something to indicate that we should suck his cock. He chooses her first. She just barely gets her lips wrapped around him before pulling off and saying she has to leave. She had gotten a text from her Dad saying he was outside waiting for her. Up she goes, quick as a cat. I’m pretty sure Alfie practically chased her out the door…

Some time goes by. I couldn’t tell you exactly how long. Maybe a week. I wake up late one morning and our roommate informs me that Alfie’s been locked up in the bathroom all morning with the phone and he needs to make a call. Alfie lies and tells me he’s been talking to his Mom. The phone says he’s been calling Sam. After Alfie and I talk and he continues to lie, even after he’s been caught, continues to lie, I call Sam.

He won’t stop calling me. I keep telling him I want to come hangout with you but he keeps telling me I can’t unless I hang out alone with him. He’s called me constantly this morning!“. Alfie is literally sitting there watching my reactions to her on the phone and he’s just sitting there, spewing off more lies about how we didn’t understand and it’s not what we think. I never talked to her again...


It’s my 21st birthday. I’m now a Mom to 3 babies, Alfie and I have broken up and gotten back together so many times I can’t even count and we’ve shared a couple handfuls worth of great male-male-female threesomes. I’ve got this friend who we’ve known for almost a decade and we’ve been hanging out constantly. She brings me a best friends blanket and a bottle of alcohol. The three of us sit on the couch drinking.

We all think it would be hilarious to play truth or dare and it starts out innocently enough. I don’t remember who it was exactly but someone dares someone else to lick someones nipples. The game turns dirty very fast – too fast. Very quickly, it becomes her and Alfie daring each other while I’m sitting there watching them play together and thinking, “Isn’t it my birthday?“.

Alfie and I always had this really big issue. I had a bunch of babies, so I wasn’t as skinny at 21 as I was when we first met. As part of his abuse cycle, he would call me fat and lazy to get a reaction out of me and it did, it really did. She was bigger than I was, but she had gorgeous boobs. Just absolutely perfect. I couldn’t get over the fact that he was so interested in her even though she was fat, when he couldn’t be interested in me because I was fat. That took over entirely…

I stomped down to my room, tears held at the corner of my eyes. I slammed my bedroom door shut. It took him 20 minutes to come down after me. I remember him telling me I was being ridiculous and I remember him leaving. I laid in my bed crying for a really long time – or at least it felt like a really long time. I expected to go back upstairs to everyone with their clothes on and feeling a little awkward.

Instead, I walk upstairs to the two of them naked under the blankets, him on top of her. I can’t say for sure that there was penetration. I can’t say for sure exactly what they were doing. But I remember absolutely losing my shit. I remember screaming at her that “this is not what friends do!“, I remember ignoring him entirely as he told me I was overreacting and tried to stop me from throwing her shirt at her. I was completely outraged and told her to get out of my house and never come back. I told Alfie to do the same, but he didn’t listen. I never talked to her again…

5 Things That Happened During My Hiatus

The Rantings - For Everyone

My hiatus officially began in the fall of 2016 and by Christmas, I had shut down my blog and turned its maintenance feature on. I went silent on social networks for awhile and allowed The Erotic Writers Group (which at the time had about 750 members and of which I am the sole moderator) to run itself. I explained the reasons why in the post Welcome Back… Finally!!!, so today I wanted to tell you about 5 relatively major life events that happened during my hiatus.

  1. Cazzwell’s Birth

    We had hoped it wouldn’t happen in September and he heard us and came on the last day of August. I woke up from contractions in the late afternoon. Kaeidyn insisted we wake The Boyfriend up and he insisted we go straight to the hospital the moment he saw my face.

    In what was called a “precipitous labor” (which Google has informed me means a labor that takes less than 3 hours from start to finish), we welcomed Cazzwell into the world. The first few weeks were an adjustment to say the least. He took awhile getting back up to his birth weight, so there were more doctors visits and home visits than we had been anticipating, which made things more stressful. The kids all wanted to be such big help but hadn’t had much experience with newborns, so lots of heart stopping moments. And, there was a new baby in our house for the first time seven years… So, there was that…

    In the last almost 6 months, he’s grown exceptionally fast. Sprouted his first tooth at 4 months, he sits up all by himself and now he’s figuring out crawling – already up on the hands and knees, kinda rocks himself and then falls forward onto his belly. You’d be amazed at how far across a room he can make it like that! Everywhere we go, all anyone can talk about is how quickly he’s growing up.

  2. I Turned 30

    The best thing about turning 30 was definitely The Boyfriend! After the kids broke my last laptop, he went out and got me a new one. Then, spent the day making me feel like his sexy older woman, because that’s a thing now until he turns 30 (very soon – muwhahaha!). The kids were all sweet before school, waking me up with Happy Birthdays but after school, they were their normal usual bratty selves.

    I had made a lot of plans for things that I wanted to have done in my life by the time I was 30. I wanted to be married – even telling The Boyfriend that if he hadn’t married me by the time I was 30, it wasn’t going to happen. I wanted to have a career and be on my way to owning a home and have my driver’s licence and know where my g-spot is…

    Alas, that was not what coming into 30 has been like, at all. I’m still only common-law and at this point probably always will be. I’m jobless in a rented townhouse being driven around by my much-more-amazing-than-I-deserve boyfriend and I still orgasm from clitoral stimulation only! I honestly thought I would be a lot more upset about it. And I was, on the 13th day of November, devastated. But then, when I woke up the next day, I was washed in gratitude and so far, that is what 30 has been for me. Everyday, I look at what life has given and is giving me and I am just so grateful!

  3. Got a Guitar

    I posted on Facebook that I missed having a guitar. I do it every time I’m without a guitar for any length of time. One of my maternal aunts, who I sadly never talk to anymore, commented asking when I’d be home. A day or two later, she brought over a guitar.

    It’s nothing crazy special and she’s not super amazing, but holding a guitar in my hands again feels really good! I’ve been doing terribly at playing her and am saddened when I think about how much time she spends put away. But it’s been a long time since I’ve played and so often times, it feels like I’m having to relearn everything I already know or like I just absolutely suck. And sometimes, I can have fun in that place where I’m sucking and just go with it and smile, but other times, it just makes me not want to play for a while.

    Plus, none of the people in my house seem to have any respect for a guitar session!! I can play through a lot of things, but lately, it has been exceptionally hard to play through my family.

    From The Boyfriend, who not only doesn’t listen to me play at all (which always bothers me a little bit) but also has to leave the volume up just enough on his games to be completely distracting, to the older children who decide that the moment I start playing is the moment to ask me questions and tell me every detail about whatever game it is they are playing (or in the case of Kaeidyn, which anime she’s watching…) to the baby who apparently isn’t very fond of guitar (or maybe it’s the guitar over top of all the other noises) because I have only had one session so far that wasn’t interrupted by a total tantrum.

  4. Almost Baby #6

    Sometime near the middle of January, we discovered that we were pregnant again. Definitely not what we had wanted or were expecting. I was literally shaking and sweating as I took the second test, because we didn’t trust the first one. We waited a week until we told his sister and mom and then we told the kids. Kaeidyn literally broke down in tears and told us we “can’t have anymore kids!” and only Carter seemed excited. We didn’t tell my mom until…

    Two weeks later, I had a day of some pretty intense cramps and some bleeding and about a week after that, I – as the doctors put it – “expelled the tissue”. I cried hard, really hard. Harder than I had expected to. Not because I was upset that I had lost the baby. That I was mostly relieved by because I don’t feel ready to have a Baby #6. I was upset because I had miscarried. Because I had had to feel it and experience it. Because I couldn’t maintain a life. Because, yet again, I had failed.

    Ultimately, I haven’t been all that affected by it. I spent a few days in a constantly-near-tears state and The Boyfriend was there every time to hold me tight and I came to terms with it relatively easily. Again, not expecting that. I was just saying to The Boyfriend today that I’m glad we weren’t trying, because we aren’t entirely devastated over it. I think if we were trying or even if it was like the other kids where we weren’t necessarily trying but we weren’t doing anything to prevent it, then I think we would have both been ruined by it – I know I would.

  5. #ReDesign2017

    I fell out of love with my blog. It happens more often than I’d like to admit. In the olden days, I would’ve just started a new blog. But I have a domain now, I pay for stuff, I have commitments. So, I undertook the epic challenge of redesigning ValerieRayne.com.

    Honestly, it took a heck of a lot longer than I wanted it to and it was a heck of a lot harder than I was anticipating! Right now though, I’m feeling like it was totally worth it. It inspired me to pick up projects that I had been neglecting, inspired me to start doing #ThrowbackThursdays on Facebook, and I have pages and pages of thoughts and ideas to continue inspiring me. I have fallen back in love with my blog.

    I’ve got lots of plans over the next little while. You’ll see the return of #FridayFavorites and #TumblrFavorites – both even better than they were before. New erotica will be coming your way, especially as The Erotic Writers Group heats up for 2017. I officially started working on The Brighton Tales again and maybe another book *wink*. Some of my biggest goals here this year center around The Sims, The List and The Gallery – all of which I’d like to see a lot more posts in! And as always, I invite you to leave me comments and let me know what you’d like to see more of and I’ll do my best!

The beginning of my life as a 30-year-old mom of five in 2017 (there’s 3 changes in a sentence!) has been filled with ups and downs and weird squiggly lines. It’s been filled with changes and tears and so much gratitude and love. And I’m just so excited glad to be back from my  hiatus. I’m looking forward to 2017 on ValerieRayne.com! Are you?

Week of Nervous Wreckage

The Rantings - For Everyone

Long time, no write! My apologies

It’s been a week, to say the least. Not necessarily a good week, not necessarily a bad week. It’s been a week that has been full of emotional ups and downs. It’s been a week that has me utterly exhausted and feeling pregnant in every inch of my body. It’s been a week that I am beyond ready to have over. And it’s definitely been a week that I haven’t wanted to write about (and I’m definitely not enjoying that.. the not wanting to write thing…).

We’ll start at the beginning, Monday. We had our second ultrasound to go to and we were all very excited. The older three kids were hoping to come along, but they ended up getting stuck out at their Dad’s for the day. Carter came with The Boyfriend and I. They waited out in the waiting room while I traveled back with the technician. It was a long ultrasound and after about forty-five minutes, she asked if we could do an internal ultrasound so that she could “check my cervix“. Another fifteen minutes passed and the official exam was over.

The technician helped me wipe up the cooled gel and told me I could go get The Boyfriend and she was just going to go talk to the doctor. It all started adding up in my head: super long ultrasound + external & internal ultrasound + talking to the doctor = something’s not quite right. I felt like a nervous wreck by the time I got to The Boyfriend and I grabbed his hand and whispered to him, “Something’s up…“. We went back into the room and I told him all the things I just told you and then we had to wait another fifteen minutes for the technician to get back, with no word about anything that had just happened.

Even though we had seen that our technician got beautiful pictures of our baby’s face, during the actual showing-to-us part of the exam, she seemed to be focused on the legs and the “cute” feet. Carter quickly lost interest in what was on the screen and The Boyfriend and I giggled and held hands tightly. She asked if we wanted to know the sex and we both enthusiastically said yes and we were told we’re having a boy – not exactly the news we were hoping for (especially the older three kids), but we’re happy nonetheless.

Baby #5 - It's a Boy - April 2016
Baby #5 – It’s a Boy – April 2016

We left and I bitched to The Boyfriend about the whole thing and we went and picked up the kids and all was good. Two days later, I got a call from my doctor’s office saying that they wanted me to come in early to discuss the results of my ultrasound. The nurse says to me, “It’s important you don’t panic“. I hang up the phone after booking my appointment and immediately burst into tears thinking the absolute worst things possible. Those words, “It’s important you don’t panic“, had me panicking more as I worried “Is it important I don’t panic because it could cause harm to me or the baby or is important I don’t panic because there’s nothing to panic about?!?” and I had a good forty minutes of absolute nervous wreckage!

So then, I whip out all my pregnancy books that I’ve accumulated over the years and spend the rest of the night searching up anything dealing with ultrasounds and cervixes. Had myself almost entirely convinced that I probably had an incompetent cervix and why were my doctors dealing with it so stupidly. I was greatly relieved when we went to our appointment and found out that that was not the issue at all.

Most babies umbilical cords have 3 vessels. In approximately 1% of pregnancies there are only 2 vessels. We are the 1%. 

At this point, we are not worrying about these results. We’re waiting to hear from the perinatologist to book a more in-depth ultrasound that will tell us whether or not there is anything to worry about. In 75% of pregnancies with a 2-vessel cord, the baby is born normal and healthy and fine, and at this present moment, there is nothing to indicate that we wouldn’t be in that 75%. And if we’re not, we’ll deal with that when we know for sure! After a drive out to Calgary, an even longer ultrasound and then a wait until our next prenatal appointment…

The kids have been a handful and a half, especially during the weekend when they were home and full of energy on the cold and rainy days we had. None of them are getting along very well at all right now and it is driving the parents batty. Carter and Kaeidyn are always at each other’s throats and his favorite thing to say to her is “Enough!“, which seriously pisses her off. Really, I suppose, it’s Carter not getting along with anybody else and they all constantly want to have space from him and he just really doesn’t like that.

Today was Kenzie’s birthday and we also got a new-to-us couch. We’ve been saying for months now, maybe even years, that we needed to get rid of our junk furniture and get new stuff and today we made the first huge strides. Finally threw out my broken and ratty lamp and got The Boyfriend to get a new one. Finally moved two couches that were super wrecked out of the living room and moved the new couch in, which resulted in us having to push everything else in the living room over to the right by about a foot. We plan to actually take all the junk furniture to the dump tomorrow, but after all the work we did today, I seriously needed a rest.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since the kids went to bed. My feet are up and I’ve been laying out for at least an hour now in hopes that the spasm in my hip will go away and the baby will stop pushing on me uncomfortably. The Boyfriend has been taking super good care of me so that I can relax after working so hard today and for that I am super grateful. It’s a good end to a full day!

Almost Every Single Day

I have been sick. I have been sick and I have been grumpy. I have been sick, grumpy and stressed. And I have been really lazy! This last three or four days has just not been my friend…

It started with a tickle in my throat that quickly progressed to a full-blown seasonal cold. I had two really good days of not being able to breathe out my nose and cracking lips and just utter grossness. I’ve had a pain in my back that is being relentless. It’s been straight up kicking my butt.

Then, The Boyfriend ended up getting a wicked migraine. He rarely ever gets headaches but when he does, they are intense and seem to last a long time. If he manages to take Tylenol before it hits, its a little bit manageable, but if he doesn’t, it’s vicious to him. He spent all day yesterday in pain, took two hot baths because it was the only place he could find release and relied on me take care of him with an over two-hour long neck rub.

Needless to say, with both of us being sick in one form or another for the past two or three days, everything has been in neglect mode – except, oddly enough, the dishes. I’ve done the dishes more in these last few days than I normally do in a week. I even missed two days of practicing for the kids’ spelling tests, which I was beating myself up really hard about when I realized. Until we did it today and they both nailed all the words!

I’ve been missing a lot lately. My to-do list is ridiculous and I keep saying, “Oh, I’ll deal with that tomorrow”, and then tomorrow rolls around and I completely forget. By the time I finally do remember, it’s three in the morning and nothing can be done anyways. I can’t tell if I’m forgetting because I don’t want to deal with it or if I’m forgetting because my memory isn’t working the way it used to.

And can I just take a minute to tell you how absolutely annoying it is that almost every single day there is something that makes me feel like I’m aging at an incredibly fast pace. From the new gray hairs that keep popping up on my head, making my hair look like straw, to the soreness of all my joints as the weather dips into this awkward point between decent and cold. I swear to you that lately, I have been able to hear my biological clock ticking – and while I’ve already decided that I don’t want anymore kids (four is enough for me), it is like a bomb screaming at me, “Have a baby! Have a baby!”.

And that’s fine. I don’t mind the screaming bomb. That’s not even my biggest dislike about the biological clock ticking. My biggest dislike is that at 28, almost 29, I feel like I’m going through some sort of awkward puberty in terms of my periods lately. Never has my menses been a bigger mess. From periods that are lasting a lot longer than they ever have, to not showing up when they’re expected and then being a million times more painful, not only during but for weeks before, I just can’t figure out, or get comfortable with, what’s going on reproductively right now.

I know that part of why I’m feeling so old right now is because it’s getting close to my birthday and my kids enjoy reminding me almost every single day how close it is and how much older they are getting. And of course, them getting older means I’m getting older too. And I don’t want to get older…

I’m not ready yet. I haven’t done anything that I wanted to do by the time I was 29 – well, except have a bunch of kids. I haven’t even gotten my driver’s licence yet. I don’t own a home. I have no career and absolutely no employment prospects. I mean, this is just not the way I planned it all out over the years.

I have been dwelling in age and aging almost every single day for the last three or four days. And I’m not even halfway done living yet. It’s stupid, but that’s where I’m at. It’s like, my mid-life crisis or something…

Stress Level 11 and Happy Birthday Monkey

The Night Before Back-to-School

It’s supposed to be done! I finished everything on the to-do list, I checked it all off. The stress is supposed to be gone! But it’s not, it just seems to have gotten worse and worse. I suddenly feel completely bogged down by the stress.

I’m glad it held off all day, even through a beyond bitchy daughter snapping at me all day and a bunch of kids who are way too excited about the first day of school. I got through the school shopping without rubbing my temples once and took everything in stride. I did the cleaning I had set out to do without any issues or procrastination and even had fun mowing my lawn.

I should be feeling accomplished. I should be feeling completion and closure. However, all I feel is stressed. My chest feels tight from the stress. And I can’t put my finger on the cause. I’m hoping that it’s just waiting for the first day of school to start.

The First Day of School

Kaeidyn starts school about half an hour before the boys do, so we had more than enough time to go drop her off in the morning. The Boyfriend came home early from work and we were all so excited. She was a ball of nerves. I dropped her off and it felt good knowing she was surrounded by kids she went to school with last year.

Dropping the boys off wasn’t nearly as much of a gong show as it usually is and we quickly found their classrooms and the whole thing took us less than half an hour. They all rushed off to do what they needed to and we were on our way in no time. The whole experience had completely wiped me out and when we got home, both The Boyfriend and I slept until it was time to go pick them up from school.

All the older three said they had great days and had lots to say about what they had gotten to do and what the plan for the next day was. Carter said it was “a bad day” and that it was too long for him. “It was boring. All we got to do was sit there.“. He’s definitely not used to the full days yet and spent the entire night not looking forward to going back the next day.

The Second Day of School

This morning, The Boyfriend couldn’t come home from work early and so Kaeidyn, who had just gotten her bus pass the day before, took the city bus to school for the first time in her life. I was seriously freaking out about this moment so much for some reason. I went to walk her out there, the morning air freezing cold, and a whole bunch of her friends were standing there waiting. So, she went on her way alone and I returned home to watch her from the window.

Then, the boys walked to school. This is the first year that Kaeidyn wasn’t with them, so Kenzie was the oldest kid – meaning he was in charge. Plus, this was Carter’s first time walking to school without an adult present. It was a big step and they were all so well behaved for it. I got a full report back when they got home on how everyone was and I couldn’t believe how buddy buddy they all were after it. I was expecting some sort of hassle, but it went perfectly.

All the firsts was so much for me though. The Boyfriend came home from work and I felt it all just sort of bubble forward. I vented about a lot of things to him – too many things. I went off about things that I didn’t even mean, just was in the heat of the moment of it all. “I no longer have any babies. I’m an un-fertile old woman. I’ll never have another first like this!”. No tears, but lots of frustration. Needless to say, I went to bed and slept until it was time to go pick the boys up.

The second day went much better for all of them and if I thought they were talkative on the first day, I was shocked at the amount of talking on the second day. Everyone had stuff to say all night long and often we’d have to raise up our hands, “One at a time!!“, because they’d all just get so excited about all the things they did and all the things they were going to get to do.

The Weekend Finally – Happy Birthday Monkey!

Now that it’s the weekend, I’m feeling a little bit more relieved of all the stress I’ve been feeling. Mom took two of the kids last night and two of the kids tonight and that has been helping tremendously. Then today is Keirnan’s birthday and it’s been a day full of reflecting over the last eight years of his life, and that is being beautiful.

It’s incredible to think about how far he’s come, to think about all he’s been through and where he’s now. I spent most of the evening going through pictures of him from his younger years and it’s amazing how much he’s grown. From the baby with the weak lungs and jaundice lying in an incubator to this amazing, kind, handsome, sneaky devil of an eight year old. Tonight, I’m feeling like the proudest Mommy in the world.

Whirlwind of Stress

The Rantings - For Everyone

I cannot get over how stressed out I’ve been feeling, about everything. And I was doing relatively well ignoring it all, putting it off and not worrying about it all. I mean, it was there, but it wasn’t in my face. Then, I spent a day in absolute pain – probably my bodies way of shocking me into awareness of the stress.

A horrible pain nestled itself in my back. It started out dull and quickly turned to a constant nagging pain that would not let up. I tried a thousand positions across every piece of furniture in my house, I was rolling around on the floor trying to find somewhere that would feel good, I used every pain management trick I know to get through it. It was brutal and today, I woke up feeling it all through my stomach.

I didn’t realize exactly how stressed I was until I realized that we’re just a couple days over a week from the start of school, and I just can’t get over how much I am freaking out about it. Firstly, can I just say, I absolutely despise how every single freaking year, we go into August thinking that the back-to-school thing will be easy and we’ll have all our finances figured out for it and then somehow we get to the end of August and it all seems to unmanageable, all too big to deal with.

And you’d think after 6 years of doing it, and experiencing the exact same thing every single year, I’d finally get it through my head and prepare better for the stresses and burdens and of it. And yet somehow, nope… It just keeps happening!

It does not help at all that I have a daughter who is like a little mother. When I try not to worry about something, she’s likely to fill the gap and her stress and worry often makes me stress and worry a lot more than is necessary. And even though I raised her and she’s turned out great (and even though I point this out to her every single time she starts freaking out), she does not seem to trust me at all.

She always thinks I’m not going to ensure that everyone is enrolled, or that I’m not going to get them on a bedtime routine for school, or that I’m going to neglect something important. I don’t know how she got this idea into her head, I don’t know where it comes from, but she insists on picking up slack that I haven’t even slacked on yet.

She’s incredibly nervous for the start of middle school. I don’t know if that is the reason why, but she has been very clingy lately. She’s been coming in and waking me up when she gets up, she spends the whole day itching to sit next to me and even though she insists on everyone else going to bed at their “regular bedtimes”, she stays up half the night cuddling and talking about every little thought that pops into her head. I feel like she’s a toddler again, following me everywhere I go, plastered to my hip.

These next few weeks are just a complete whirlwind of things and I just wish I could sleep through it all. Back-to-school shopping, Alfie’s coming into town because apparently I can’t show my daughter how to take a city bus…, first day of school and then Keirnan’s birthday. A couple weeks later is Kaeidyn’s birthday, then a couple weeks after that is Carter’s birthday, Halloween, my birthday, and then Christmas… It’s a lot of stuff all happening in a short period of time. We haven’t even started yet and I already feel exhausted!