The Rantings - For Everyone

The Late-Term Ultrasound

So went for that late-term ultrasound I was talking about

As I’ve said before, I have a lot of anxiety surrounding these types of ultrasounds. Basically any late-term tests will make just about any Mom nervous, but late term ultrasounds are my particular Kryptonite. Today made me feel like all my anxieties are 100% justified…

For weeks now, we’ve been going to our prenatal appointments and being told that my weight looks good and I’m measuring right where I should be – even though I feel like I’m tiny for pregnant. Today, the first thing mentioned is that I’m measuring small, am I sure I have my dates right. I explain to them multiple times that I have measured small through all my pregnancies and that a lot of my babies were born really small. I’m also a pretty small person, so don’t get your hopes up on me having the biggest of babies! They bring it up at least two more times during this appointment…

Then, baby’s breech. Honestly came as a shock to me because I was sure she was head down. My baby’s are normally always head down. But, even though I’m still weeks away from my due date, on my 7th pregnancy and having a c-section, it should not have made them all react to the news of a breech the way they did. I felt like I had to be the calming voice of reason for a room full of professionals because everyone seemed to get real worked up over this.

Not even ten minutes into my appointments, only a few measurements in, and the doctor is coming in and pointing out a sign that reads that while they’ll tell us if they find anything, there’s still a 5% chance that our baby will be born with a problem not detected at this late stage of ultrasound. Thank goodness I am a 7th time mother and not a 1st time mother and knew this particular thing, because otherwise I’m sure it would’ve taken me back. And I understand that he’s also a doctor that deals with infertility a lot, so he would tend to put disclaimers all over the place, but I don’t think ten minutes into the appointment was the place to do it…

I told them about a hundred times that because I’m a night owl, my baby is a night owl. She was likely to not move too much or be more lethargic because it’s the day. Generally, she’s up all night kicking and rolling and moving and then is mostly quiet during the day and it’s been this way for awhile now. I tell them this over and over again, and even though she’s visibly moving on the ultrasound and kicking the radiologist, they keep talking about needing to “wake her up” and poking and prodding on my stomach like crazy people!

Even send me for a non-stress test. In which it took three of them to find the baby’s heartbeat, because instead of just once trying to put the Doppler on the part of my stomach where you could visibly see the curve of the baby’s back, they were all trying to put it where the ultrasound told them they would best pick it up. After a few minutes, I picked the damn thing up and moved it over there and instead of strapping it down, they just made me hold it there for the next thirty minutes.

And throughout the whole damn thing, I have this doctor coming in lecturing me about how I need to go to the hospital if I haven’t felt the baby move. I am literally clicking the button saying my baby is kicking, her heart rate is doing the jump and fall that kicks usually produce, the paper is literally giving the exact readout they want and I’m getting a constant stream of going to the hospital about my baby kicking. And I’m doing everything in my power not to roll my eyes and burst out in tears all at the same time..

I left, generally just raging. I kept my polite Canadian face on through the entire exit, but the moment I was out the door, The Boyfriend got to listen to a very big rant. Hate how stupid doctors can be sometimes.


So the next day, my Mom calls me on Facebook to let me know that my doctor called. She’ll be over in a few minutes so I can call her back. I call the doctor back thinking it’s probably nothing, they just want to go over the results of the ultrasound. Nope…

She asks if I can go up to the hospital to see a specialist because my amniotic fluid was quite low. All the kids had just been dropped off to go bowling and thank goodness for my Mom because she was my absolute superhero in the moment. The Boyfriend couldn’t leave work, so she worked out babysitters and re-worked the plans for the kids so that she could drop me off at the hospital.

I spent the next three hours, strapped to the stupid fetal heart rate machine waiting for the specialist to finally come and see me. It was honestly one of the biggest wastes of my time ever. Because all the specialist did was refer us to another specialist to have a more in-depth ultrasound.

I really hate how out of the loop we’ve been kept about a majority of this pregnancy. As I’m laying in the hospital bed, nurses’ station only a few feet away from me, I get to hear about how what I thought was a routine ultrasound was actually a biophysical profile – that our baby failed. That not only did they find only a small amount of amniotic fluid, they also couldn’t visualize the baby breathing (although not an entirely worrisome thing this late on, it would explain why they were all freaking out about “waking her up“). And apparently my baby’s weight has not been right on track, as I’ve been told, throughout a majority of this pregnancy!

And I was especially upset that not once did anyone give me any indication of how this problem of low amniotic fluid is dealt with. Right now, they want to do another ultrasound, that’s all I’ve been told. They’ll come up with a plan after that. From what I’ve read online and in my baby books, it’ll most likely be amnioinfusion (which sounds riskier than I’d like) or delivery (which means baby would be in the hospital for quite awhile before coming home). But I hate relying on information that I read because I know that doctors could literally do anything – even stuff that you’d never read about online. And I understand that it all changes based on the various and specific circumstances related to your particular case, but seriously… I hate being left in the dark!

What people, especially doctors, don’t realize about me is that when I was a kid, I was determined I was going to become a doctor. For fun in my youth, I used to read medical textbooks. To this day, I still get excited when reading medical literature and somehow manage to understand a ridiculously large amount of it. I enjoy medicine and am fascinated by it. I’m also far more comforted by too much medical information than too little.

I mean, here I am at the hospital strapped to this machine. I’m the only patient in this particular testing area with two nurses and a resident. We’re talking away like a bunch of gabbing teens. I even joke at one point when a janitor comes in and one of the nurses is in her way that we’re just having a slumber party in here. We’re talking mostly about medicine, kids and babies – as you do when you’re bored and stuck on the maternity ward! Nonchalantly, I ask what side the liver is on. I’m pretty sure I know the answer (left-side) but wasn’t sure. They literally had to Google it!!! These people are supposed to be trained to know things about the human body and yet they literally had to Google something as simple as basic anatomy.

It just makes you feel like there is no point in seeing doctors because they are just as freaking clueless as the rest of us. It’s all just an educated guessing game. And while I may not have been pre-med or gone to medical school, I seem to be all educated up in this particular situation. I could make just as informed of a guess as they can!

So now, tomorrow we take a two hour trip out to Calgary to do a better ultrasound with a more experienced specialist and then who knows what happens. I’m sincerely hoping that it’s not a situation where we end up having our baby in Calgary. And I’m kinda hoping that they don’t decide to just “closely monitor” this pregnancy, because I really don’t want to be going for tests constantly over the next 5-6 weeks. Especially with how much stress it all causes me. How much rage and upset it all causes me.

I guess we’ll just wait and see…

The Rantings - For Everyone

And… Cue Panic Attack

It is ridiculous to me how much anxiety making grown-up phone calls gives me. When I have to call and book a doctors appointment, it’s like full-out exhaustion-inducing stress. I literally feel the effects of the stress of it all day long. And it’s not like it’s hard or like there’s ever been a bad outcome or like anything bad is going to happen – I can’t explain what it is that stresses me out about it.

Today, I had to call the doctor that will be doing my c-section. They had already had a bunch of appointments booked for me over the next little while, including a late-term ultrasound.

There is nothing that makes me more uneasy and anxious than late term ultrasounds. No matter how many babies I have and how many times I’ve done them, they just give me automatic flashbacks to all the terror and uncertainty of pregnancy with Kaeidyn. I immediately remember 17-year-old me getting my stomach slapped by a doctor and then being told that my baby wasn’t moving and then spending the next few hours in a terrifying rush. I immediately remember the feelings and the fear and the tears and hearing her cry from the first time and just feeling absolutely disconnected from it.

That whole first c-section experience, my first labor experience, just really has left a sour taste on my tongue that has followed me through subsequent pregnancies. And now that we’re doing the c-section and now that we’re not just talking about it but actively booking appointments for it, I’m just bogged down in nerves by it. I just feel like a nervous ball of nervous energy.

And The Boyfriend could not possibly be more distracted. This whole obsession with traveling and camping and becoming wilderness outdoorsman is taking over everything! Literally, I call the doctor and I start lip quivering over how nervous late term ultrasounds make me, and next thing I know he’s planning a camping vacation with the boys – which I’ve been listening to planning and ideas about for three days now! I talk about how we’ve only got a few weeks left until baby is here and the subject swiftly gets changed to the hiking trail he just found that would be so great to do with the boys. His mind is not at all even thinking about baby and c-section and frankly, it is pissing me right off!

You have no idea how many times in the last few weeks, I have to remind him that I won’t be able to do all these things this summer – I will have just gone through major abdominal surgery, I will have just had a baby – and even if those previous two things weren’t happening, I am not an outdoor campy hiking person. You can’t expect me to do 100km of hiking in a summer – which is his ultimate goal right now… And I’m sitting here just like, “Can I have a minute to maybe get over pregnancy first?!?“.

The only time I’ve ever seen him even slightly obsessed with anything half this much is when a new Star Wars movie is coming out. He is just ridiculously obsessed with this camping/hiking idea. It’s all I’ve heard about for a really really long time now. He talks about it non-stop and when he’s not talking about it, he’s sitting on his cellphone literally mapping out trips that he wants to take and places he wants to go. Almost everyday he’s coming home from work with a new area he wants to travel to and a new place he wants to explore and a new campsite he wants to stay at.

On one hand, it’s absolutely freaking adorable. He can be such a passionate Pisces sometimes. On the other hand, can we focus on my pregnancy until it’s over and then be passionately obsessed with other things…?!?

The Rantings - For Everyone

All By Myself…

Can I just be a total bitch for a second…?!?

The Boyfriend has really sucked during this pregnancy. I mean, really sucked! Out of all my pregnancies, this is the one he seems the least interested in – less interested in what’s going on with the baby, less interested in what’s going on with me, less interested in helping out, just less interested!

It’s amazing how often he is sitting right there and yet I feel like I’ve gone through this pregnancy all by myself…

And I know part of it has to do with third pregnancy. And part of it has to do with the fact that we just had a baby not that long ago. All the luster is lost. But it just makes me long for the days of Carter and Cazzwell pregnancies and experiences.

I remember when I was pregnant with Carter and had such severe joint pain, The Boyfriend having completely sleepless nights just rubbing me down. I remember him helping me paint my toenails and putting my clothes on. It was a lot less help with Cazzwell, simply because I didn’t need it as much, but he was excited and involved and hand on my stomach constantly.

This time around, he just seems completely uninterested. The only time he touches my stomach voluntarily is for the 20 minutes I lay in bed while he falls asleep. Almost every night for the past two trimesters, the moment he’s asleep, I get up to go take a bath. Most of the time he doesn’t even notice. He doesn’t listen to me complain anymore and just zones out in whatever he’s into.

It’s been a lot of me being really focused on pregnancy and last pregnancy and him and everyone else focused on everything but pregnancy and a pending baby.

From summer travel plans to The Last Jedi coming out to earning enough points for a “free” Xbox game pass, it’s all been a thousand times more important. And when I try to talk baby stuff or pregnancy stuff, somehow we end up right back on the mountains, that scene with Kylo and Rey or the latest game pass game he got… And I’m left there to freak out about pregnancy and baby all by myself…

And when I say “freak out“, it’s not really freaking out because let’s be real, it’s all old hat now! We’ve been through all this a million times. We know what’s coming, we know what to expect. We know, we’re prepared, we’re good. So, it’s not really freaking out.

We ignored this pregnancy for so long. We denied it existed for so long. It’s going to be our last baby ever! No one, not even our own kids, wanted us to do this. Have our 7th baby, 6th child. It’s a girl, finally after 13 years of having nothing but boys, we finally get our girl – his first girl! We should both, now that everyone knows about this pregnancy, be allowed to have joy in the experience. We should be excited and happy and can’t-wait-to-meet-our-little-one and just so in love with this final experience.

But I seem to be all by myself on it…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Things I Hope Will End When This Pregnancy Does

  • My constant exhaustion
    Sitting doing nothing makes me exhausted. Dealing with the kids makes me exhausted. Cleaning makes me exhausted. Doing fun stuff makes me exhausted. It all makes me tired down to the very core…

  • My extreme bitchiness
    I’m normally bitchy. It’s not unusual for me to be generally bitchy. It’s probably the one word almost all of my family would immediately choose to describe me. However, I’m more bitchy than I’ve ever been. I’m bitchy to the point where I will often stop myself and go, “Whoa Val, you’re being really bitchy!” and that has never happened before and definitely never so often…
  • My lack of smiles aka Dead Face
    I wouldn’t say that I’m a huge smile-er or that I smile a lot on the regular. However, I’ve never been able to go as long as I seem to be able lately just not smiling at all. And I suppose when I say “not smiling“, I also mean just being expressionless. It’s like dead face, where there’s nothing going on. No smiles, no pouts, no eyebrows raised or scrunched, just nothing… Dead face…
  • My pain
    Let’s be real for a second… I’m never going to be pain free! I’m under no illusions about pain in my life and that it has been there for a really long time and it will probably remain to be there for a really long time. But I’m ready for the type of pain to change and I’m ready for the area of pain to change and I’m ready for the length of pain to change. It’s been so much of the same continual pain during this pregnancy and it’s really starting to weigh me down (literally and figuratively)…
The Rantings - For Everyone

Sleep

My Mom said that I’ve been sleeping a lot lately today. I literally laughed out loud because it must seem that way. Every time she’s showed up to the house abruptly over the last two weeks, I’ve been laying down trying to nap. But sleeping a lot…

That has not been happening. My sleep has been so screwed up that I feel like I am getting absolutely none. And my energy levels have been a clear sign that I haven’t been getting enough. And if that hasn’t given the clue, then my bitchiness sure will!

I’ve been having a lot of problems with my hips and legs – as is mostly to be expected during this stage of pregnancy. I think I’ve got a touch of Restless Leg Syndrome going on because the moment I lay down to go to sleep, my legs start seriously aching. It starts above my knee and then just kinda shoots out from there. Within 30 minutes of laying down anywhere for any reason, I’m having to go for a super hot bath just to ease the discomfort a little bit.

I’m sure to everyone it’s been feeling like I’ve been “sleeping” a lot. By this, they mean I’m up in my room in my bed. But sleeping, I’m definitely not. I spend most of the night awake tossing and turning or getting up and down to go pee or take baths – which I take at least two of almost every day. I’m just so uncomfortable physically that sleep never comes. By the time morning comes around, I haven’t slept a wink and I’m full-fledged irritated.

Luckily, for the most part, The Boyfriend has been incredibly understanding. Especially being that I’ve been terrible at getting in and out of bed without waking him up. So I normally get to stay in bed after he gets up with baby. It normally takes me a good long hour to fall asleep once he leaves the bed and I finally get two hours. Then he wakes me up and it’s mostly just me being tired and bitchy all darn day!

Some days, I’ll be so exhausted that when the kids get home from school, I’ll ask if I can go lay down for a bit. Again, so incredibly lucky on my part, because the kids are also incredibly understanding and enthusiastically reply, “You go ahead and lay down Mom!”. However, sleep is almost never had during this hour of laying down. It’s mostly listening to them play downstairs. But the laying down helps with the headache that always sets in from the lack of sleep.

Sometimes I’m seriously so surprised that I’m dealing so well with the lack of sleep. I’m functioning pretty decently on the short uncomfortable sleeps that I’m getting. Sometimes, I’m just so down and out about it and can’t help but be bitchy and snappy and utterly useless!

I hate how the third trimester kicks in and it just takes over your whole life. Sure, the discomforts of the first two trimester are hard to deal with, but the third trimester always seems like it’s impossible to manage. You often wonder how you’re ever going to make it through.

We’re coming up very quickly on the end of this whole thing. Only 11 weeks left and probably less than that being that we’re planning to do a c-section. We’ve decided to do the c-section almost entirely so that I can get my tubes tied at the same time and we can just be done with all of it, all at once. I haven’t gotten nervous about the c-section aspect of it yet, although I imagine that will change once we meet with the obstetrician. Right now, I’m just excited about it.

The prospect of never getting pregnant again, especially when I’m currently so fed up with being pregnant, is just making me long for the end. I’m so ready, it’s ridiculous.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Must Be Pregnant

This post was written in September 2017 during the beginning of my pregnancy with Baby #7.

The Boyfriend and I basically knew we were pregnant (although hadn’t taken a test yet) and Kaeidyn was catching on. At the time, I was considering “If I’m pregnant, I’m having an abortion. And if I’m not pregnant, I’m getting my tubes tied!” but I was struggling, because I wasn’t sure that I felt that way or was making those considerations because it was what I wanted or because it was what other people wanted.


I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I think it’s mostly just because of the time of the year – weather changing, back-to-school, etc. – but it’s been resulting in me sleeping a lot, having back and stomach pain lots and just generally being in a funk.

Every time that I exhibit any of these “symptoms“, Kaeidyn goes into hardcore, “You’re pregnant!” mode. She’ll ask if I’m sick, I’ll say that I’m not feeling well, she’ll say, “Must be pregnant!” – and while she’s never been right, she always follows up with, “If you get pregnant again, I’m packing my bags and moving out!“.

And I get it! She’s sick of me having babies. Everyone is and I get it. I hear them all shouting at me, “Get your tubes tied! Screw the depression from being on the pill, get on it! Have an abortion!“. I hear it all being screamed at me and I understand where everyone else is coming from and blah blah blah!

But I couldn’t help it. Last night, after hearing almost every day for a week now that I’m pregnant and that is going to result in my 13-year-old daughter running away from home (when none of us even know at this point if I am pregnant, being that I still have a week before we can even count me as being late…), and I just snapped at her.

At first, I was like, “It just breaks my heart that that’s where you go!” and I was just going to leave it at that. But her face, in response to my words, just pissed me off. I suddenly went on a rant – “How anti-feminist of you! Forcing me to make a choice that I don’t want to make about my reproductive life!” and she didn’t seem to care about that argument – which only surprised me because she’s usually so feminist-minded on other issues.

So then I said, and even while I was saying it, I was thinking this isn’t the right argument, but then I said, “How would you feel if I would’ve aborted you when everyone was telling me to? Or any of your brothers? Should I just make all my decisions off of everyone else’s thoughts and opinions?!?“. She basically decided to end the conversation at that point and went up to her room to go to bed. It was already midnight by this point, so after her bedtime anyways.

But now I can’t get the whole thing out of my head.

It’s not that I want another baby. Like I said last night, I think my only response to finding out that I was pregnant again would be to cry for days. I don’t think I want anymore kids, even though The Boyfriend and I have long said that we would like to try for a girl. But I don’t want to end up with 17 boys just to get a girl… And honestly, I’m tired of having babies!!!

I’m ready to do something else with my life other than be pregnant. I’m ready to just raise the family I have instead of continuing to expand it. But I also don’t want the decision to be made for me by my 13-year-old daughter. I don’t want to constantly be threatened with losing her because I don’t want to get my tubes tied or I don’t want to go on birth control. And I know, I know, those aren’t the only options. I know that safe sex is important. I know that I have ways to not get pregnant and if I don’t want kids anymore, I should be using them and blah blah blah. I freaking get it!

But I want to come to the decision to use those methodologies, all on my own. I want to get to the point where I make that decision – not where I’m coerced or forced into making that decision. And it always pisses me off when other people think they should get to have a say in my life, when I’m the one who has to live it, not them.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Looking Back on 2017

It’s that time of year where everyone looks back on 2017 and looks forward to 2018. I started getting into the spirit over the last couple of days and thought it would be fun to kind of walk down memory lane (which we all know I love to do!) and reminisce on some of the best and worst moments of 2017.

It has felt like an incredibly long year! While I’m surprised we’re already in December, I’m not surprised that an entire year has gone by – because it has felt like it!!!

Here’s some of the more memorable things that happened this year.


I Returned to Blogging

After falling out of love with it over 6 months earlier, I finally returned to blogging! After giving birth to my 5th baby and doing a major redesign of ValerieRayne.com, I was finally ready to begin writing.

In 2017, I wrote a total of 90 posts bringing my total archive up to about 170 posts. I also managed to publish my 100th post! By far, the most popular post this year has been No Longer #FucketListed: An Over-the-Knee Spanking.

Speaking of No Longer #FucketListed…

Not only did I finally check an over-the-knee spanking off the list, which has been on it from the very beginning, I also checked a few other things off the list this year. It’s been exciting to explore.

I finally orgasmed everyday for an entire month, The Boyfriend and I finally had sex outdoors and we even made our own porn for the first time!

WTMFI Wednesdays Returned

Back in 2007, I ran a weekly meme on one of my old blogs called WTMFI Wednesdays. I decided in April of 2017 that I wanted to bring it back. And so the process began and in November 2017, we hosted the first session of WTMFI Wednesdays.

WTMFI Wednesdays
I have been trying hard to participate in every single session and one of my goals for 2018 is to start getting my submissions in on Wednesdays – instead of what I’m doing right now, getting them in whenever I get them done! You can check out my WTMFI Wednesdays submissions¬†here.

Celebrated My 9-Year Anniversary

The Boyfriend and I celebrated 9 years together this summer. It was pretty exciting for both of us honestly and neither of us could shut up about it. I wrote about it, I sang songs about it, we were obsessed!

Can’t imagine what 10 years might be like… ūüėČ

I Got Pregnant… Twice…

First there was the miscarriage. Cazzwell was about 5 months old when we found out that I was pregnant again. We were definitely not ready. I only quickly touched on the miscarriage in 5 Things That Happened During My Hiatus.

Then in August, we discovered that I was pregnant again. We kept this one a secret for a really long time, even though everyone had basically guessed and ultimately we were in a bit of denial ourselves. Boxing Day we finally told everyone.

So, in the Spring we are expecting to have Baby #7! We’re counting it as a pretty big milestone for a few different reasons. We plan for it to be our last baby and it’ll be The Boyfriend’s first baby girl.


All in all, it’s been a crazy eventful year.

I didn’t even talk about all the traveling we did this summer – two trips to Crescent Falls, my first time camping as an adult, and going to Edmonton to see Roger Waters in concert! Or the #EroticLimericks I wrote or all the fin-spiration I gathered in preparation to write The Mermaid (which I have plans of publishing in 2018!). Or our van and a bunch of other stuff getting stolen…

Needless to say, I’m ready for 2017 to be over and for 2018 to begin!!!

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This Christmas Season

Thank goodness for The Boyfriend at Christmastime, because without him, Christmas would suck.

Multiple times this year, I threatened to cancel Christmas altogether. I didn’t shop for a single present for a single person. I didn’t wrap a single present for any of the kids. I was officially Scrooge all December and made my opinion about this stupid holiday crystal clear at every waking moment.

Having kids at Christmas really makes you hate this time of year. It’s bad enough the Christmas music, the general cheer, the constant posts arguing about which phrase is politically correct. To deal with a bunch of kids who have no religious reference for Christmas and who don’t believe in Santa, and you end up with a holiday of sheer greed.

The Boyfriend gets all giddy about gift-giving. He really does love to do it, even when it’s not Christmas, but especially when it’s Christmas. Getting toys for the boys is just about his favorite thing of the year. I think it’s because it’s the one time of year when it’s entirely socially acceptable for him to be glued to the toy aisle. And he loves toys!

But they were basically terrible all leading up to Christmas. I kept saying, “If Santa Claus was real, you’d all be on the naughty list getting lumps of coal!”, because they were all just so arrogant, cocky, rude, and misbehaved coming into the Christmas season.

On Christmas Eve, we went to celebrate with my Mom. The kids all got to open more than one present. They should’ve been ecstatic. They opened presents from Uncle first – he had heard that everyone needed pants and so got everyone pants. Every kid, “This isn’t what I wanted!”. Then, they opened presents from Grandma and at least two of them complained about it. I was quite upset at them for the rest of the night for their rudeness and lack of holiday spirit.

The Boyfriend couldn’t imagine not celebrating Christmas with the kids. Even though he kept agreeing with me that our kids didn’t deserve all of this stuff that we were doing and planning for them, he kept on buying presents and obsessing over celebrating. And so, Christmas morning we let them wake us up ridiculously early to open presents.

Luckily, this went far better than the previous present opening.

They loved their gifts. They were all polite and excited. And then once all the presents were opened and the majority of the wrapping paper cleaned up, we revealed the biggest news of the day…

Baby #7 - Coming May 2018

We’ve known for quite awhile that I was pregnant. Basically 4 weeks after it happened. Everyone had basically guessed, but we denied mostly because we were in denial. It was only in the last couple of weeks that we finally went for our first prenatal appointment and subsequent ultrasound.

So finally, after 13 years and 4 boys, we finally get our girl!!!