NOTE: This post was written over a month ago. The “crap that we’re going through” has not really been an issue for awhile now and I’m still working on reading through both these books. But, this post deals with other posts that I plan on publishing, so I’m publishing it!
I have had these two books #WishListed for over a decade!!!
The average bookstore in the towns I’ve lived don’t offer these kinds of books. I don’t travel and until recently we didn’t order things off the internet. However, now we do order things off the internet and now, I hold in my hands a copy of Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt’s “When Someone You Love Is Kinky” and Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy’s “The Ethical Slut“.
It’s a little weird that I got these books at this exact time in my life. Feels a little profound and cathartic.
I’ve alluded to the “crap that we’re going through” and in it all, he is convinced that this whole thing is spurred by my desire to be polyamorous and kinky – and his inability to give me these things. I keep saying that that’s not where it was all coming from, but when it’s pointed out to me, it’s like… “Hmmm… Maybe it was…” (I’m still attempting to write about this whole “crap that we’re going through”, so please be patient with me…).
For a really long time, I have been utterly complacent about my authentic sexuality.
I literally went through an entire process of neglecting it. I went from having a clear definition of what my sexuality was and what I wanted, to ignoring and restraining any urges or desires that came my way that The Boyfriend might deem “freaky”. To calling myself a “Wannabe Kinkster” and changing all of my sexual identifiers to “Unsure“. And yes, it was because of him…!
It was because of this beautiful life, this beautiful relationship that we have together, this beautiful love. It’s always been like this for us. From the first time that whoever grabbed the other’s hand (we never can remember…), it just felt comfortable and natural and right. The whole broken world fell into place.
He was/is vanilla. And I understood/stand that my kinks are not his kinks – and for the most part, I am okay with that. Sure, I struggle. I struggle a lot sometimes. Less now than I used to, but it’s always looming there that I am not being authentic, that the sex we are having is not the sex I want to be having.
Don’t get me wrong. Our sex is incredible. Our sex is out-of-this world amazing. Our sex is mind-boggling. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. It keeps getting better and better with each passing year and as our relationship deepens. If I were vanilla, I would want for nothing!
But… Alas… I am not vanilla.
It feels weird to get these books in the midst of the “crap we’re going through“, because it feels like yet another loaded move on my part. I can just imagine how The Boyfriend is feeling right now. Like he will never be good enough, like I’m always looking for a kinky guy to come and kidnap me and take me away from him, like I’m unfaithful, disloyal, untrustworthy, a heartbreaker. And getting books about all the things that he’s afraid of must be weighing, to some degree, so heavily on him.