The Rantings - For Everyone

Where Did the Time Go?

I absolutely cannot believe that I haven’t written in over a month…! It does not feel like it’s been that long and it’s definitely not for lack of things to write about. June just whizzed by in a blur and while July has slowed down a lot, it feels like I haven’t had a moment for anything.

The summer started with dropping the older three kids off at their Dad’s. It’s been incredibly boring without them here and it’s probably the first time ever where they left and days later, I was missing them hard. It comes and goes in waves and sometimes, I’m relieved that they’re gone and sometimes, I just want my babies back. They’ve been there for about three or four weeks now and we’ve probably got another week until they come home. I cannot wait!

The Boyfriend also left shortly after they did, leaving Carter and I at home alone. He got an incredible opportunity to go train other managers up in the Northwest Territories. You have no idea how awesome it feels to say that my boyfriend had to go on a business trip. He wasn’t expecting me to be as supportive as I was and that made him very nervous about the trip. He spent two weeks up there and had a great time exploring this totally new-to-him place.

I knew I would start missing him pretty hard by about day three and I was totally right. The first couple of nights went by with ease and then that third day hit and it started dragging miserably to the point where it felt like it would never end. By day seven, we were both going pretty nuts and it became a bit of a battle to make it through the day without sadness over the absence. We’ve never spent that much time apart and I can’t imagine it happening very often in the future. It was such a relief the day we went to pick him up from the airport.

Carter and I had made a “Welcome Home, Daddy” sign and greeted him at his gate. I’ve never seen either of them look so happy as when they first saw each other. Unfortunately, he’s basically been working non-stop since he got back from the trip and only today has he finally gotten days off. We are both so excited about finally getting to spend some quality time together!

Have had a couple prenatal appointments over the last little while too and baby is doing really well. They sent me for another ultrasound – a biophysical profile to be exact. The last time I went for one of those, while I was pregnant with Kaeidyn, resulted in me being induced for labor the very next day – so I was a little nervous about it. All went well though and baby is looking great. Now we get to start doing prenatal appointments every week and we’ve only got about four weeks left!

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to get this pregnancy over with. My body has ached like this, and worse, before now – but never has it made me so entirely miserable. I can’t wait to get this baby out of my belly and into my arms. I’m nothing but excited about the idea of having my baby here!

In other news, my house has never been and stayed this clean ever. I’ve even been tackling the huge amount of laundry that had piled up and I’m actually enjoying doing it, because it’s staying organized and tidy! Cleaning up after two people is a million times easier than cleaning up after six! I wish it was always this easy because I’d never have a problem getting it done. I’ve got a few little projects to do before the older kids get home but otherwise, my house has looked great for a while now and it definitely feels really nice!!

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Broken Bones and Road Trip

It was one heck of a long long weekend. It’s probably the first time in a long time that I actually did something for May long. On Friday, The Boyfriend and I took all the kids up to their Dad’s for the long weekend and that went smoothly. My Mom called the same day and asked if I wanted to take a road trip with her the next day. Carter was going to come but decided that he didn’t like the highway, so I just went alone – The Boyfriend had to stay home because of work.

The next day we were taking a trip up to Whitecourt to see my sister. I haven’t traveled that far in years! It was awesome to see her because it’s been awhile and I really don’t get to see her enough. I miss the days when they lived right here in town and I could just go to her house whenever I felt like it. Now we have to travel five hours to get to each other and it’s absolutely never for long enough.

They weren’t really expecting us and the first people we saw were my niece and nephew. Man oh man, do kids ever grow fast. My nephew, who’s 13, is now officially as tall as I am. Made me feel small all weekend! Both my sister’s kids are tall. It started raining while we were up there and that just seemed to make the whole visit that much better, because it was so refreshing – the whole thing.

It was a short but sweet trip and I can’t wait until I’m able to take the kids and The Boyfriend with me. Next time, he won’t be working and they won’t be at their Dad’s!

In other news, and I honestly can’t believe it’s taken me this long to write about it, Kaeidyn broke her arm! Last Monday, she went on an after school field trip to the skate park and went longboarding. She ended up going down a hill, wobbling all the way, before falling off pretty good. She hadn’t even been there a whole hour when we were getting called to go pick her up.

The first thing she said to me when she saw me was, “I should’ve known better! I’ve watched the fail videos, I’ve seen the vines!” and I nodded profusely. We took her up to the hospital and were there for the next eight hours as she got a bunch of x-rays and then put to sleep and put in a cast. It was a lot of waiting and worrying and a lot more waiting.

She was so amazing and took the whole thing like a champ for someone who had broken a bone. She cried a little bit when they put her in a sling, cried a lot when they put in her IV and tears filled her eyes as they put her to sleep and she whispered to me, “If anything should happen to me, make sure to donate my organs!“. I still can’t believe she’s the first of the kids to break a bone…!

She’s been wearing a plaster cast for the last week and tomorrow we go to get her fiberglass cast on. I’ve had to constantly be on top of her for pushing it too hard, because she’s insisting on “maintaining her independence” – just in case she “actually loses an arm one day“. It’s been an adjustment, to say the least.

The rest of this week and all of next week will be entirely dedicated to getting our house completely spotless clean. We have our dreaded annual inspection, which for some reason always causes me the greatest amount of unwarranted stress. Okay, not entirely unwarranted, being that failing the inspection could and most likely will result in eviction…

Even though I’m probably exaggerating to a large degree, and The Boyfriend will assure me that I am, I feel like we have so much more than usual to do – mainly because we started rearranging our living room because of a new couch and haven’t finished getting rid of all the throwaway furniture yet – another project for this week! Right now, it all feels like an impossibility. I’m sure I’ve said this every time we’ve ever had an inspection…

So, if you don’t hear from me for a little bit, that’s where I’m at 😉

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Ready to Get Back to Work

I hate these huge gaps between posts lately. I hate that I keep promising myself to change that and then just end up sucking at it. I hate that I’ve become such a huge slacker and that I want so desperately to change it but my body and mind just can’t seem to get on board with it.

I had spent quite awhile freaking out about baby stuff. We finally went in for the ultrasound that I had talked about in my last post and it went really well. It was fun because The Boyfriend got to come in for the whole entire thing and we got to watch it from beginning to end – two things that have never happened before.

All our worries were greatly relieved when we were told that everything is looking great. Baby’s heart is looking fine and he’s right on track for his growth. Now we’ve just got to go for the Glucose Screening Test and then probably another ultrasound closer to the end of the pregnancy.

The kids have all been a serious handful and a half these last few days, maybe even going on a couple weeks. We’ve left Kaeidyn to babysit a couple times while we ran to get coffees or whatever and the power goes to her head and she becomes little miss bossy, in the worst kind of way. It irritates the boys to no end and then she has the hardest time coming out of the wannabe-mommy-mindframe.

Carter is by-far the one that hates it the most. And he has just not been able to get along with anyone for anything. He’s constantly getting on someone’s nerves. He’s been really klutzy lately and has been hurting himself on a regular basis. He will literally sit at the top of the stairs and fall down them on purpose. He doesn’t even cry, just gets up and does it again. I tend to raise my voice in his direction a heck of a lot more than I’d like to.

Kenzie has been an emotional wreck and is prone to burst out into tears the moment he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. Lately, that seems to be going over to other people’s houses – whether it’s my Mom’s or a friend of his – and the moment you say “no”, he’s bawling on the couch. Or one of the kids will start copying him and he just breaks down in tears. It’s been days of calming him constantly.

Even Keirnan has been more of a pain in the butt than normal. He’s been noisier and has gotten to that terrible stage where he’s prone to hit long before even considering to use his words. And he is seriously getting so terrible for his lying, all the time, about everything. Even things that don’t need a lie. I don’t get it and I don’t completely get how to stop it either. We’ve tried all the tricks I remember from the other kids and they just don’t seem to be working…

The Boyfriend has the next two days off and we’ve got plenty of plans. First and foremost is a lot of cleaning. We have been seriously neglectful and I’m officially done with that. Upstairs, downstairs, laundry and yard – it’s all gotta get done. Then we’ve got dinner at both our Mom’s places, which I’m looking forward to, because I’ve been desperately wanting to get out of the house and have a reason to do so. I also hope that I can find time to focus some attention on my online stuff. I keep saying that I’m going to and then end up not and I’m just so ready to get over that. I’m so ready to get some work done!

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Week of Nervous Wreckage

Long time, no write! My apologies

It’s been a week, to say the least. Not necessarily a good week, not necessarily a bad week. It’s been a week that has been full of emotional ups and downs. It’s been a week that has me utterly exhausted and feeling pregnant in every inch of my body. It’s been a week that I am beyond ready to have over. And it’s definitely been a week that I haven’t wanted to write about (and I’m definitely not enjoying that.. the not wanting to write thing…).

We’ll start at the beginning, Monday. We had our second ultrasound to go to and we were all very excited. The older three kids were hoping to come along, but they ended up getting stuck out at their Dad’s for the day. Carter came with The Boyfriend and I. They waited out in the waiting room while I traveled back with the technician. It was a long ultrasound and after about forty-five minutes, she asked if we could do an internal ultrasound so that she could “check my cervix“. Another fifteen minutes passed and the official exam was over.

The technician helped me wipe up the cooled gel and told me I could go get The Boyfriend and she was just going to go talk to the doctor. It all started adding up in my head: super long ultrasound + external & internal ultrasound + talking to the doctor = something’s not quite right. I felt like a nervous wreck by the time I got to The Boyfriend and I grabbed his hand and whispered to him, “Something’s up…“. We went back into the room and I told him all the things I just told you and then we had to wait another fifteen minutes for the technician to get back, with no word about anything that had just happened.

Even though we had seen that our technician got beautiful pictures of our baby’s face, during the actual showing-to-us part of the exam, she seemed to be focused on the legs and the “cute” feet. Carter quickly lost interest in what was on the screen and The Boyfriend and I giggled and held hands tightly. She asked if we wanted to know the sex and we both enthusiastically said yes and we were told we’re having a boy – not exactly the news we were hoping for (especially the older three kids), but we’re happy nonetheless.

Baby #5 - It's a Boy - April 2016
Baby #5 – It’s a Boy – April 2016

We left and I bitched to The Boyfriend about the whole thing and we went and picked up the kids and all was good. Two days later, I got a call from my doctor’s office saying that they wanted me to come in early to discuss the results of my ultrasound. The nurse says to me, “It’s important you don’t panic“. I hang up the phone after booking my appointment and immediately burst into tears thinking the absolute worst things possible. Those words, “It’s important you don’t panic“, had me panicking more as I worried “Is it important I don’t panic because it could cause harm to me or the baby or is important I don’t panic because there’s nothing to panic about?!?” and I had a good forty minutes of absolute nervous wreckage!

So then, I whip out all my pregnancy books that I’ve accumulated over the years and spend the rest of the night searching up anything dealing with ultrasounds and cervixes. Had myself almost entirely convinced that I probably had an incompetent cervix and why were my doctors dealing with it so stupidly. I was greatly relieved when we went to our appointment and found out that that was not the issue at all.

Most babies umbilical cords have 3 vessels. In approximately 1% of pregnancies there are only 2 vessels. We are the 1%. 

At this point, we are not worrying about these results. We’re waiting to hear from the perinatologist to book a more in-depth ultrasound that will tell us whether or not there is anything to worry about. In 75% of pregnancies with a 2-vessel cord, the baby is born normal and healthy and fine, and at this present moment, there is nothing to indicate that we wouldn’t be in that 75%. And if we’re not, we’ll deal with that when we know for sure! After a drive out to Calgary, an even longer ultrasound and then a wait until our next prenatal appointment…

The kids have been a handful and a half, especially during the weekend when they were home and full of energy on the cold and rainy days we had. None of them are getting along very well at all right now and it is driving the parents batty. Carter and Kaeidyn are always at each other’s throats and his favorite thing to say to her is “Enough!“, which seriously pisses her off. Really, I suppose, it’s Carter not getting along with anybody else and they all constantly want to have space from him and he just really doesn’t like that.

Today was Kenzie’s birthday and we also got a new-to-us couch. We’ve been saying for months now, maybe even years, that we needed to get rid of our junk furniture and get new stuff and today we made the first huge strides. Finally threw out my broken and ratty lamp and got The Boyfriend to get a new one. Finally moved two couches that were super wrecked out of the living room and moved the new couch in, which resulted in us having to push everything else in the living room over to the right by about a foot. We plan to actually take all the junk furniture to the dump tomorrow, but after all the work we did today, I seriously needed a rest.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since the kids went to bed. My feet are up and I’ve been laying out for at least an hour now in hopes that the spasm in my hip will go away and the baby will stop pushing on me uncomfortably. The Boyfriend has been taking super good care of me so that I can relax after working so hard today and for that I am super grateful. It’s a good end to a full day!

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Sick and Pregnant

I have been ridiculously sick for the last three or four days. Yesterday was the first day that I could breathe out my nose and I’ve never been more grateful for the ability! It came on swiftly and I had a whole two days of nothing but complaints, tons of tissues and so much mouth-breathing. Having a cold and also being pregnant made the whole experience that much worse.

I haven’t completely ended the morning sickness phase. While it’s not as constant as it was in the first trimester, certain things still make me super queasy. I still have to be especially careful how much coffee I drink, because one sip over baby’s limit sends me running for the toilet. Then, the soreness throughout my body is just incredible. I remember pregnancy hurting in every joint and muscle but it still tends to take me by surprise, as parts of my body that I typically don’t feel, suddenly scream out in pain.

We get to go for the next ultrasound in four days and everyone is incredibly excited. We’re all desperate to find out what we’re having and more than one calendar has been marked in anticipation of finally getting to see a real baby. Especially now that we’re starting to feel the baby move (just…). It’s all becoming very real and that’s an exciting stage to be getting to. It’s really interesting to be experiencing it with the kids, now that they’re all grown up.

Kaeidyn has been my little caretaker. She hounds me to take my prenatal vitamins and anytime I’m not feeling well, she’ll go above and beyond to try and make me feel better. It’s very cute how she lovingly puts her hand on my slowly expanding stomach and asks me, “How’s baby doing?”, before touching my forehead, as if to check my temperature. Keirnan has really taken no notice at all in the pregnancy or the baby and only shows any type of interest when a group of people are showing interest. The only thing that he has said and continues to say is that he hopes it’s a girl. Kenzie’s head is right at the height of my stomach and he’s been enjoying giving me huge hugs anytime I’m standing. He smushes his little face up to my stomach and squeezes tightly.

Carter spends a lot of his time being rough to my stomach and The Boyfriend and I almost always have a discussion about how he’s going to be so jealous when baby gets here. He’ll roughly poke and prod my stomach or squeeze my flesh in his clenched fists. He’s been climbing all over both the parents lately and will sit directly on top of the round of my stomach. While he’s excited and curious and interested – asking tons of questions and wanting to be involved – he generally gets unknowingly rough with my stomach. I think he’s going to have the hardest time out of all of the kids adjusting to a baby in the house – mainly, having to share his Mom and Dad with someone needier than him.

We went for a nice drive yesterday to take the kids out to Alfie’s. Have I ever told you how much I love that we can drive? We drop them off at the McDonald’s in Leduc, which is right across the highway from an airport. We sat in the parking lot long enough to see four planes go overhead and it absolutely made our day. Carter was invited to go with the kids for the first time ever but we said no, because none of the kids have been getting along well lately, and especially not Carter and the older ones. So, I decided that they needed a break from each other. Have I ever told you how much I love having that option?

The Boyfriend goes back to work after having the last two weeks off this weekend, which is a little sad. I’m looking forward to getting back into some sort of routine because having him home means that I spent a lot of time seriously slacking. Many nights passed where I didn’t do the dishes or make dinner or even move from my spot once. He’s managed to work this next week where he works a couple days and then gets a couple off and then works a couple and then a couple off – and it’s honestly so great to have that to transition back from holidays.

The rest of this weekend, the plan is for me to muster as much energy as possible to get some of the cleaning projects off of my to-do list. I really gotta buckle down and get these floors mopped and while The Boyfriend is home is the best time to do it. As long as the couple things are done by the time the older kids get back from their Dad’s on Sunday. It’s going to be a busy weekend 😉

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Beautiful Weekend

The weather has been beyond beautiful. So beautiful that you want to spend every single moment of the day outside. We went from being in the negatives to being double digits into the positive and it has made me one heck of a happy girl.

Yesterday, The Boyfriend came home from work and informed me that, unbeknownst to me, he had booked his holidays and they started right then and there. I thought we still had months to go, so it was a wonderful surprise. Then he decided that he wanted to go spend money that was burning a hole in his pocket, so he called and booked appointments for Kaeidyn and I to get our hair cut.

I had added this particular task to my to-do list many months ago. I hadn’t gotten my haircut in about 8 years and it was unhealthy and ridiculously long. Kaeidyn and I both picked pixie cuts but with a completely different style. It was so much fun to watch her go from long hair to short hair. I thought I was going to cry so hard, since I did the last time I got my haircut, but I dealt with it pretty well and was quite excited when it was finally done. It’s the shortest I’ve had my hair since the last time I shaved my head.

We even went to a couple music shops around town and checked out the guitars and drums and violins and pianos and the kids were so well behaved during the entire outing – which was a good 5 or 6 hours long. When we got home, I was still wanting to be outside, so I took some of the kids to the park for a little bit. It was pretty windy out, so we didn’t stay long, but it was a good walk and everyone enjoyed it.

Today, the sun was shining bright early this morning. It made me immediately want to get up and move. We had also promised the boys that we would take them shopping today and had said that we had hoped to go to Rotary Park – probably our most favorite park in the whole city. Although it took us a little bit to get up and going, we did exactly that. First, we went and enjoyed the sunshine down at Rotary. Keirnan and Kenzie spent their whole time on the monkey bars and Kaeidyn spent almost all of hers on the swings, Carter was the only kid to really explore the park. Then, we walked up the big long staircase. It was hell on my knees and by the top, I was heaving for air.

Afterwards, we went to Wal-Mart and the kids all got little things – toys for the boys and CD’s for Kaeidyn. I was hoping to find a pair of pants or running shoes – since pregnancy has made me need both! – but they didn’t have a single thing I liked. I even looked for a dress or a skirt, but had absolutely no luck. Oh well, maybe next time…

Now I think the next couple of days will be solely dedicated to getting the house clean. The Boyfriend was amazing and got the kids to help him clean the living room this morning and Kaeidyn’s been doing a bunch of laundry, but the kitchen and our room is in desperate need of a good deep clean. And being that The Boyfriend’s on holidays, I see no problems in getting in done.

My last prenatal appointment went really well and everything’s looking normal and fine. We’re impatiently awaiting our next ultrasound in about 2 weeks and crossing our fingers that we’ll get a girl gender reveal. Then, it’s time for the dreaded Glucose Screening Test, which I’ve hated doing every single pregnancy – this time is no exception. The juice-y/pop/syrup stuff makes my head feel gross, and I hate gross-head. Looking forward to everything coming back normal on that.

One last thing, if you haven’t noticed, “The Erotica” category is now gone and has been replaced with “The Writing” category. I decided that I didn’t want to limit myself to only writing erotica – what if I ended up deciding to write something without sex or sexuality in it? – so the name was changed. You’ll still find my erotica there, but you’ll also find other stuff too.

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The Kaeidyn Drama

Originally written around March 13th:

Parenting is the by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And you’d think it would get easier as they got older, but the reality is that it just gets harder and harder. Since my last post, the Kaeidyn drama reached the boiling point today and we ended up going into the school and having a discussion with them.

As part of the school program, Kaeidyn’s able to use Google Hangouts. She enjoys it because she can keep in touch with her friends. And she knows that all the parents have access to her account and are regularly reading through her conversations. Last night, The Boyfriend checked in as usual and noticed some seriously disturbing messages.

One boy had sent her sexually explicit messages asking her to do a variety of sexual favors for him. No matter how often she said “No” or the number of ways in which she said it, the boy continued to ask her and push her – at one point even stating that he would force himself on her. One girl had sent her pictures of her cut arms and messages claiming that Kaeidyn was the cause of them. Immediately, The Boyfriend called me and we began hashing out a plan on how to deal with it.

We woke up early this morning and went down to the school to get it sorted out. We’ve had problems with the girl in the past and honestly, I’m incredibly concerned about her, so I wanted to bring that to the school’s attention right away. We met with the principal and it sounds like they will be talking to each of the kids we mentioned, including Kaeidyn. He will confer with Kaeidyn’s counselor and they will do what they can on their end.

The Boyfriend had been fuming prior to the meeting but was comforted by the meeting. I walked out more upset than I was before we had gone in. The feminist in me is angry at all men today and I don’t see it going away for a while.

All night and all morning, The Boyfriend kept saying things that just were a little off to me. After the boy pushes and pushes Kaeidyn, instead of saying “No“, she replied “Maybe” to the question “Would you have sex with me?“. This irritated The Boyfriend to no end and multiple times he said things that implied that Kaeidyn was inviting more advances. He kept saying that we should ground her off of Hangouts and essentially punish her for allowing herself to be violated, for not telling the parents immediately, for something. This is after the other night spending hours on the phone with Alfie basically listening to the same crap.

Then, we go into the principal and the language used, once again treats it like she’s instigating and she’s at fault. She’s “vulnerable” and “perky“, “attracts the boys” and “puts herself in the middle“. Again, no one is out and out saying, “It’s her fault!“, but almost implying that it is.

I remember being 11-years-old. You are sexual even when you’re not even aware that you are sexual. I remember one time sucking on a candy cane, like I did all the time. Except this particular year, a boy mentioned how sexy it was when I did that. I couldn’t understand how it was possibly sexy and relied on my Mom to tell me. Kaeidyn’s going through the exact same thing and the language used by all the men and even some of the women in our life, implies that she’s somehow at fault for how others’ see her.

It’s ridiculous how ingrained this thinking is in the mind’s of the people around me. It reminds me of when she was wearing short skirts and everyone immediately told her that she “would be raped” dressing in that way. And I feel like everyone is reacting to this negatively, except for me. And I can’t seem to convince anyone of how okay all of this is.

The reality is, that kid is growing up. And faster now than ever before. And in this time, we make the decision what kind of parents we’re going to be and what kind of relationship we’re going to have with her. And to be honest, it is a thousand times more important to me that she comes and talks to me when she’s ready to have sex than it is for me to not have her having sex. Of course, I don’t want my baby girl to have sex yet and I don’t want her out kissing boys and being surrounded by drama. But I know that I don’t control that, she does!

Added on March 26th:

After being talked to by the principal, the boy is no longer talking to Kaeidyn. He considers her to be a “snitch” and Kaeidyn has moved on and seems entirely un-phased by it. She has blocked the girl on Hangouts and has been attempting to steer clear of any drama.

The Dads have all seemed to simmer quite a bit and we haven’t had anymore discussions regarding it. Kaeidyn spent some time not using Hangouts, simply so all the parents could come back down to earth, and has only recently started up again – so far, so good.

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Raising Dads

After six years, you forget how entirely painful pregnancy is. I haven’t had a single day in over a week where I haven’t woken up beyond grumpy because my whole body is sore. The Boyfriend asks almost immediately upon waking, “How was your sleep?” and today I literally snapped at him that he “wouldn’t want to know!“.

It’s weird to feel your body expanding so slowly and yet so quickly. My hips have been feeling it the most and I’m often complaining about it. I’ve had some serious breast and nipple pain that wakes me from a dead sleep and I have never been more itchy in my entire life! Even though I’m in bed for plenty of hours, I don’t feel like I’ve been sleeping well at all and it has made for an even more bitchy and lazy me than usual.

The boys have all had more energy than we know what to do with. The weather is changing swiftly and you can tell in the kids’ attitudes and behavior. They’re also all growing, so eating like they’re constantly starving. We literally feed them dinner and the moment they clear their plates, they’re begging for a snack. It’s hard to keep up with all of them and their constant movement and noise and wants and needs.

Kaeidyn has begun dating a new boy, which has stirred up a lot more drama than ever before. I’m not sure what’s different about this boyfriend specifically, but she has been dealing with drama from her friends over it and I have been dealing with drama from Alfie over it. He has become especially uncomfortable with the idea of her dating and after finding out about this new boyfriend, he kinda flipped his lid. I spent a few hours on the phone with him last night having the first “fight” that we’ve had in years! He called it a “fight“, I didn’t think it was.

I think that both The Boyfriend and Alfie have this idea in their head that because I’m a sex-positive parent and because I’ve never said that being a teen mom was the “worst thing that ever happened to me“, that I’m somehow going to support her having sex younger and getting pregnant younger. It’s the only thing that I can think of for why they both don’t seem to trust that I’ve got any handle on Kaeidyn dating.

And when we say that she’s dating, what we really mean is that she calls this boy her “boyfriend” and they text each other sappy love memes. The most she’s ever done outside of that is held hands on a dare at lunchtime.

Both the father’s in my life seem to think that they can actually “scare off” her boyfriends and that they can punish her for dating or showing interest in boys. Multiple times Alfie said to me that I should send her to live with him so she couldn’t date. I laugh so hard at both of these thought processes. Mainly because I was a girl who was sent to her Dad’s so that I would stop seeing one specific boy and all that did was drive us closer together. I mean, it’s a story as old as Romeo & Juliet

I keep trying to tell them that we can’t control what she’s doing and any attempt to do so will blow up in our face. I keep trying to tell them that the only thing that we can do is arm her with arsenal of tools to make the best possible decisions, all we can do is steer her in the right direction and hope she continues on that way. She’s going to make mistakes and that’s part of growing up. And yeah, none of us want to see our baby girl hurt and none of us want her to live the lives we’ve had to live, but we can’t put a chastity belt on her and lock her in the closet. We wouldn’t do it to our boys, we shouldn’t do it our girls.

I’ve discovered over the last little while that it is much harder to raise father’s than it is to raise children. It’s especially hard to raise father’s of daughters. 

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The Last Couple Days

It’s been a good couple of days around here, even if it has felt overwhelming at times and even though I’ve been struggling with worry. The kids have all been a handful and a half, especially the boys who are not only getting on each other’s nerves but everyone else’s as well. Then, more visits to the doctor than I would like are keeping me awake at night, plus my body feels all tight and cranky, so I’m exhausted!

We went to our second prenatal appointment the other day. We were hoping to get some answers, like if I would be put on medication for high blood pressure, but instead the appointment just swung open the door to even more questions.

First, we brought all the kids in to hopefully listen to the baby’s heartbeat and the doctor tried and tried past the point of every one of the kids becoming bored and we just couldn’t get it. The Boyfriend felt uneasy about that, but that’s probably because we never had a problem getting Carter’s heartbeat – so it’s new to him. Then we discussed my blood tests, which showed that my red blood cells are large. So now we’re going for further blood tests to see if it’s a Vitamin B12 deficiency or liver disease or just pregnancy-related. And then we ended up ordering a 24-hour blood pressure monitor to get a definitive answer on that, and I pick that up in a day or two.

After about six years of not seeing a doctor to seeing one every other week… It doesn’t sit well with me! It makes me nervous and I just want it to be over and done with.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of days trying to catch up on some the online things that I’ve neglected for a long time. Tumblr kind of distracted me and I spent the majority of my time deleting, tagging and organizing my Tumblr. It’s looking pretty good and I can’t wait to hop on over there later tonight and get adding more. I’ve got a Top 5 Tumblrs to do AND the winter #TumblrFavorites is almost ready to go!

I’ve also been playing a ridiculous amount of The Sims 4. The Boyfriend tried for days on end to get me to play and I just couldn’t find the interest, even after I downloaded another Stuff Pack. Finally, after the kids bogarted it for a few days, I decided to go on. Created a new family, because I can’t seem to stick with one anymore. However, something happened and I ended up losing that because it didn’t save. So today, I spent a huge portion of the day on it.

I’ve been meaning to take screenshots or videos or something of my gameplay, but the last couple of days I’ve just really wanted to focus on playing. I feel like there’s still so much of that game that I haven’t even come close to experiencing yet. So, I’ve been taking my time to really explore and have been focusing a lot on Clubs lately. I even made my own Club for the first time today and managed to have about four gatherings, which allowed me to get quite a few Club Perks. I’m finding Clubs to be a very interesting addition to the overall gameplay.

And I’ve even gotten quite a bit of cleaning done over the last two or three days. I’ve been making The Boyfriend deal with laundry and interrupt his gaming the moment I realize the machine is done. The kids, even though they’re not listening and fighting, are being helpful when I ask them to. Today, they did an amazing job getting the living room clean as long as I could keep Carter distracted.

He has just been in a bug everyone type of mood. He wants to be best buds with Kenzie and Keirnan, but neither of them really have an interest in him or any of his interests right now. They’ve all been super-competitive lately, each trying to out-do the other. One boy will say that he was good at something and the other boys will insist that they’re better or that his good thing was simply a fluke. Carter, because he’s hating being the youngest right now, seems to be the worst and always has to have the last word.

Kenzie has been ridiculously loud lately and I can guarantee he’s not even noticing it. Today, we were all sitting in the living room and the boys were playing relatively quietly. Kenzie starts to get louder and louder and louder, when the parents turn and ask him to quiet down. This happens probably three or four times before he gets in trouble for being so loud after being asked so many times not to. Immediately he breaks down in tears because he had no idea that he was getting louder. It’s only really weird because he’ll notice when everyone else gets louder and asks them to quiet down but can’t notice himself at all.

Keirnan has been violent a lot lately and has gotten in trouble quite a few times over the last few days because he deals with every single issue with his fist. Then, when he gets caught in the act or after the fact, doesn’t matter, he’ll try to fib his way out of it. I don’t know if I’d call it an out-and-out lie because he’s been pretty afraid of getting in trouble for that again, but it’s like he’s trying to manipulate the narrative to better the chances of someone else getting in trouble – usually Carter. I tell ya, boys are hard!

Kaeidyn’s been Kaeidyn. She’s been sleeping in a lot later and we’ve even had a couple mornings where the parents were out of bed before her. That hasn’t happened in ages. She goes for her babysitting course soon and she’s incredibly excited about that and she’s spent the last little while trying to talk me into letting her throw a baby shower for me, so it’s been a lot of, “When I get babysitting license I can start saving money” and “When I get money, I’m going to buy you the cutest thing for your party” and “We could play this game and this game and eat this food and invite these people” and just on and on. I love that she’s so excited for a baby though!

Well, I think I’ve talked about everything there is to talk about. Good talk 😉

Almost Christmas Break!

It’s the week before Christmas break and I am feeling absolutely tuckered out! It’s been a wonderful couple of days though, so at least the exhaustion is absolutely worth it.

Every year from the school, we get a nice little Christmas hamper. This year, the kids were at two different schools and we got two of them. So one day, we had to go pick one up and the next day, one got dropped off. Needless to say, my cupboards and freezer are totally stocked and the gifting burden will be a little less. It’s always great to get the extra help even if it does mean we end up with two or three turkeys… 😉

The older kids will be going to their Dad’s again this year. I say almost every year that I’m not going to send them, because I want the holiday with them, but then I realize how much I could use the break. And we still celebrate our own Christmas together, so we’re not missing out on anything. I wouldn’t say that we have any “traditions” save for opening presents, but we always do something special.

This time around, we started letting kids open presents tonight and we plan to do one each night until they leave. They are beyond excited about this idea and tore into those first gifts with so much excitement.

Kaeidyn had gone to the store at her school and got everyone presents and she desperately wanted everyone to open one of her gifts. She got Kenzie and Keirnan a board/card game that kept them busy half the night and Carter got a giant drawing/cutting book that he was at first really unimpressed with (because he thought it was homework…), but then proceeded to spend the next two hours drawing in. The Boyfriend got two work shirts and my beautiful daughter got me a wicked ugly Christmas sweater and a CD filled with jazzy holiday songs.

But probably the biggest present that she gave us parents was a report card with all A’s and B’s. We were a little concerned that the transition from elementary school to middle school might’ve been rough on her grades, but it turns out that she’s doing awesome! Kaeidyn always gives me so many reasons to be proud of her but today just topped the cake! I’m so lucky to have that kid 😉

Tomorrow night, we go to the boys’ Christmas concert. After listening to them all practice, I’m pretty excited about it and it’ll be the first year that Kaeidyn is sitting in the audience with us and not standing up on stage performing. As far as we know, she doesn’t even have a concert this year… I’m hoping it won’t be too crazy hectic because it usually is and that always makes me anxious. I can basically guarantee that I’m going to cry!

Friday is a short day of school. Saturday, the older kids have a birthday party to go to and Sunday, we’re driving them out to their Dad’s. And then, the plan is to get my house spotless while it’s just Carter at home.

It’s the Stuck in a Rut Blues…

I am stuck in a writing rut! I have written a ridiculous amount of content that will essentially be trashed because it is such a disorganized mess that I can barely remember what I was trying to do. I’ve been having a hard time writing what I want to write and instead tend to go off on these little tangents that lead nowhere and I basically keep saying the same things over and over again. And tonight, I am putting my foot down and forcing myself to complete at least one post and publish it!

So, here goes it…

The countdown to Christmas is officially on. One minute, I’m okay with it. The next minute, I am sighing and throwing my hands up because I feel so utterly overwhelmed by it. Alfie wants to take the kids again this year and even though I said last year and the year before and all the years before that that it wasn’t going to happen this year, I ended up saying yes. I thought I would feel worse about it but it’s actually bringing me a great deal of relief to think that we’ll only have to do Christmas with Carter.

Thank goodness for The Boyfriend too around this time, because he absolutely takes over the Christmas shopping. He gets such a kick out of shopping for toys and knows exactly what the kids are talking about when they say they want “this” and “that” thing. Really, I don’t know why I despise these holidays so much when basically everyone around me takes over everything that would typically be my responsibility. Luckily, I am aware of how incredibly blessed I am!

The kids are all doing really great and it’s weird that I don’t have more complaints about them. But they’ve been seriously amazing lately. Yeah sure, they’re still kids and I know that Kaeidyn’s gotten in trouble a few times over the last couple of days because of her attitude, but for the most part, it’s been awesome with them. Everyone has been super cuddly lately, they’ve all been helping a lot with the cleaning (even if they are making destructive messes everywhere everyday… They at least help clean it up!), and I’ve even gotten a couple nights this week off of making dinner because Kaeidyn and Kenzie have been enjoying making it!

Although, now that I read back over the last two paragraphs, I realize that I have been incredibly lazy this last little while. No real surprise there, especially being that it’s winter. And let’s not kid ourselves, I realize that I’m lazy every single day! But I’ve definitely noticed I’ve been more lazy lately. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I haven’t slept at night for weeks now. Both The Boyfriend and I have been on the graveyard shift – him because it’s his job, me because I tend to do whatever he does where sleep is concerned. So, he sleeps during the day, I end up sleeping during the day. He’s awake all night, I end up being awake all night.

As it is, it’s 4:30 in the morning and neither of us seems to be anywhere near ready for bed…

I’ve been kicking myself in the butt hard about this sleep schedule. As someone who has suffered with sleep problems for over a decade, I know what I’m supposed to be doing to combat them. Straight up though, I have never slept better than I have been sleeping lately – it’s just terrible when it comes to the hours that I’m awake. And not because I’m tired during those hours, it’s just that I’m incredibly lazy during those hours. Like, I simply do not have the energy or desire to do anything.

And it’s especially bad when I get on the computer. Normally, I get on here and within minutes, I’ve found something to do – what that something is is different every time, but I find something. Lately, I get on here and five hours later, I realize that I’ve done nothing but reload the page I’m on over and over again. Maybe I’ve clicked around and typed up a paragraph of rambles or played the level I’ve been stuck on for over a year on Candy Crush Saga a few times, but mostly, I’ve just stared at the page, reloading, stuck in this damnable rut!

#FridayFavorites

#FridayFavorites: For the Week of December 4 – 11

Ever wanted to be able to see what I’m up to all over the web without actually having to go all over the web? Well, now you can with #FridayFavorites. Join me every Friday to see my favorite finds and posts over the last week.


Favorite Tumblr Find

Everything you find on my Tumblr will be absolutely NSFW and totally intended for adults only! But here’s my favorite PG-13 find from this week and be sure to check out my #TumblrFavorites posts.

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/134849076586/artisafeeling-the-center-of-the-universe-jana

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Favorite Google+ Update

I have been attempting to work on a lot of projects that I was hoping to have done by the New Year – mostly The Erotic Writers Group. But I keep coming up against a brick wall…

https://plus.google.com/+ValerieRayne13/posts/avipyjW8yRp

Circle Me on Google+


Favorite Tweet

In one night, I watched the entire first season of Big Ballet on Netflix and was immediately drawn to Mistress Monica. For the next two days, all I could think about was how adorable her and JackSepticEye would be together.

Follow Me on Twitter


Favorite YouTube Video

Memorable moment: We’re scrolling through our subscriptions on YouTube and Kaeidyn, my 11-year-old daughter says to me, “Please don’t think I’m weird, but can we watch that video“, as I go over SexplanationsSex Toys 101“. I didn’t think she was weird and I still don’t and that’s why we watched the video!

Subscribe to My Channel


Favorite Posts Over the Last Week

In case you might’ve missed them over the last little while, here’s my favorite posts from around here over the last week…

  • The Cane
    If you enjoy erotic limericks, then you’ll definitely get a kick out of The Cane. 
  • When the Show Makes You Cry
    Have you ever cried uncontrollably at a show? Which ones got to you? 
  • TO DO: Online
    A partial list of all the things that I need to be doing online, or want to be doing…

Follow My Blog


Well, that’s my #FridayFavorites.

I encourage you to follow me wherever you are and if you have favorites that are different than mine, let me know what you loved in the comments below! And be sure to join me next Friday for another installment of #FridayFavorites – what will I find?

When the Show Makes You Cry…

Do you ever get really emotionally involved with TV shows or movies? Do you ever feel yourself caring a lot for characters in shows? Do you prefer to find those shows or movies that bowl you over with emotion? 

I tend to be the biggest fan of shows that really hook me into them emotionally. I mean, I determine my rating system on Netflix based off of the emotional response the show gives me. For example, if I cry really hard, I’m likely to give it a 5-star rating. If I don’t cry at all, it’s likely to rate far less.

I think it all started all those years ago when we would all hunker down on Thursday nights to watch ER. When Mark died, our whole family wept and sobbed. It touched my heart beyond belief when Kaeidyn watched ER over a decade after I had seen that episode and was also brought to sobbing tears – and I smiled proudly when she cried the next day when we played “Somewhere Over the Rainbow“, because that’s what good TV does.

Over the years there have been too many memorable moments to name in television and film history as it relates to me. The tears these cheeks have felt over fictional characters over the years would probably astound you, because they have been so numerous. My favorite times are when the emotional response absolutely surprises you.

Great example: Reign Over Me with Adam Sandler. We all know him as this funny guy telling jokes. But this movie had me literally curled up in a ball in a full-out sob session. He’s sitting there in that courtroom and all of a sudden, completely overcome with emotion – both him and me! I think Alfie was terrified that something was wrong with me, because the moment just absolutely broke my heart.

I don’t feel like it’s hard for a show or movie to make me cry – I tend to do it rather easily. But every once and awhile, a show hits a nerve that the emotions attached to that moment are so memorable. Even though they’re emotions shed over fictional moments, they feel like they happened to you, happened to people you love.

Tonight, I started watching The Killing. I haven’t really had much interest in this show, but I’ve run out of episodes on all the other shows that I was watching and needed something to pass the time with. I was a little worried about this show, because I tend to have a hard time watching anything that involves a lot of killing. While I get really into these types of shows, I don’t really like watching them because they change my dreams from just generally confusing to utterly terrifying!

I was really skeptical going into this show but by the end of the first episode I was in shambles. I’m not sure what I think of the story or the characters (haven’t been watching long enough to know…), but the parents of this girl are incredibly relatable and anytime they struggle with their emotions, I find myself struggling with mine. I find that kind of television to be incredibly powerful.

So, What are some of your memorable and emotional TV or movie moments? Have you ever been surprised by your reaction to anything you watched? What was the last show you cried at? Let’s talk TV in the comments!

#FridayFavorites

#FridayFavorites: For the Week of November 27 – December 4

Ever wanted to be able to see what I’m up to all over the web without actually having to go all over the web? Well, now you can with #FridayFavorites. Join me every Friday to see my favorite finds and posts over the last week.


Favorite Tumblr Find

Everything you find on my Tumblr will be absolutely NSFW and totally intended for adults only! But here’s my favorite PG-13 find from this week and be sure to check out my #TumblrFavorites posts.

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/134109520216/allofmydirtylittlethoughts-jennebenn17

Follow My Tumblr


Favorite Google+ Update

Kaeidyn went to her first ever school dance this week. She looked so beautiful and adorable standing next to her boyfriend at the Winter Formal.

https://plus.google.com/+ValerieRayne13/posts/A3wfuuDjE1h

Circle Me on Google+


Favorite Tweet

I’ve been spending some time in a chatroom, as I do every few months, and I’ve attracted a few readers. Love when I reach new view milestones!

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Favorite Instagram Post

We went to the 22nd (if I remember, correctly) Annual Breakfast with Santa with the kids and it was a total blast (see the post below)! This is turning out to be a much better Christmas than I had anticipated it would be.

Follow Me on Instagram


Favorite Posts Over the Last Week

In case you might’ve missed them over the last little while, here’s my favorite posts from around here over the last week…

Follow My Blog


 Well, that’s my #FridayFavorites.

I encourage you to follow me wherever you are and if you have favorites that are different than mine, let me know what you loved in the comments below! And be sure to join me next Friday for another installment of #FridayFavorites – what will I find?

Breakfast with Santa 2015

Breakfast with Santa 2015

Before the weekend, I got a call from Kaeidyn’s school. It sounded all official, so I sat up in bed concerned, only to learn that Kaeidyn had been given a bunch of tickets to go to the Festival of Trees and Breakfast with Santa. So, a few days later, we were heading out to do that.

The kids were all beyond excited. For Carter, he had never actually met Santa before – we’ve always been working and been super busy around this time of year and the whole visiting the mall to get pictures taken with Santa just hasn’t worked out. So, it was his first year and he was nervous and giddy and it was absolutely adorable.

The Breakfast with Santa was a lot of fun and the kids spent the whole thing talking all things Christmas. The Boyfriend was so happy to see bacon at the breakfast and I had a cup of tea for the first time in years and it was delicious!! And then, they turned the music on…

We all got up and danced around for a bit. I’m always sad that this doesn’t happen more often because it’s honestly some of the most fun we ever have as a family. The kids all like to compare moves and somehow the parents always really get into and while we all know we probably look like a bunch of dorks, none of us seems to care for a second. There are just not enough opportunities for family dancing!

Then, we waited in line for what seemed like forever to go take a picture with Santa. No one could stand still because they were all just so excited and the longer we stood, the less still they were. I was so relieved when we finally made it up to Santa, because the kids had just gotten to that point of reaching their anticipation limit – where they go from restless to just misbehaved.

https://plus.google.com/+ValerieRayne13/posts/1TwGFK1SK7f

Carter was so hesitant to get up close to Santa. They had been given candy canes and Carter shyly offered one to Santa as the other kids tried to push him in closer to get picture ready. Everyone took their place around Santa and the kids, all like little professional models, turned to the camera with their greatest smiles and it was such a nice little moment for us. Especially The Boyfriend, who had never experienced the whole first-visit-with-Santa thing.

We went down to Mom’s immediately after the breakfast, which was way earlier than we normally go down for Sunday dinners, which means that I watched more football today that I ever have in my entire life! After filling up on breakfast, we were being served a great lunch/dinner and tons of appetizers and having a generally great time – save for a few little arguments here and there – which isn’t an abnormal occurrence when you get two pretty strong-minded Scorpios in a room 😉

The day absolutely tuckered us all out though, completely. Kenzie fell asleep at Mom’s. Then, when we got home, both the parents ended up dozing off on the couch as Carter curled up in blankets on floor and fell asleep. Kaeidyn went to bed almost a whole hour earlier than her bedtime. The only one who didn’t seem massively exhausted from our adventures today was Keirnan.

Internet Detox

It took way longer than I would’ve liked, but finally (and I type that with a massive sigh of relief), we have internet again.

The last week and a half/two weeks of our life seriously dragged on endlessly. The first four days were the most brutal, especially for the kids who complained relentlessly about their boredom, even though the parents were working hard to entertain them. We bothered Grandma and overstayed our welcome on more than one occasion just so that we could get a few minutes break from the constancy of their complaining.

By day five, we had kinda started to relax about it, it wasn’t so overwhelming. The kids had finally realized that they were going to have to deal with their boredom and eventually the boys spent more and more time consumed in their lego sets and Kaeidyn picked up some yarn and started finger knitting again.

I don’t think we truly went a full two weeks without internet, because we were able to check in on it when we went places with WiFi, but it was still a serious shock to the system to not just have immediate access. One day, we’ll do it by choice instead of inconvenience. That way it feels more like cleansing rather than detoxing.

I think I was most surprised when, on the first day with internet back, the only thing that got used was YouTube on the TV. Nary a computer or online game nor a single tweet went out that day! And we watched fail videos with the kids, because we’re suckers for ’em.

Then, The Boyfriend had to go to work, but the kids were wide awake and ready to party. So, we fired up the karaoke which hasn’t been used in forever and a day. An hour later, all the boys were beat. Kenzie had had an upset stomach, Carter was feeling tuckered out from running all over the place all day and Keirnan had danced hard during his serenading. The former two went up to bed, the latter fell asleep on the couch and Kaeidyn and I spent the remainder of the night binging on Grey’s Anatomy.

The next day, everyone seemed to have never experienced the purge. It’s as if we never went a day without internet and everyone has fallen right back into the exact same constant connectedness. The Boyfriend got a video game that he’s been waiting awhile for, and so has been blissfully swept up in Star Wars: Battlefront and all the boys have followed his lead entirely. Kaeidyn’s been all too happy to veg on YouTube with my phone. I, on the other hand, have sat most of the time staring blankly at my computer. Just kinda not sure where to start first.

These next few days will be all about reconnecting. Which only really sucks, because starting tomorrow, the whole week needs to be dedicated to cleaning. I have been making a mental to-do list of all the things I want to get done this week for awhile now and I’ve officially gone through every room with the most critical of eyes. And being that The Boyfriend is on a week of holidays, it’s the perfect time to teamwork and power through the lack of motivation I always seem to feel about cleaning.

In other news, my brother is moving back to Red Deer. He honestly doesn’t seem as crazy as everyone was making him sound – sounds like a lot of the problem was specifically with our Dad. Today he’s spent a huge chunk of the day at our house and I haven’t seen a single symptom – he’s been engaged, talkative (and not once only to himself) and according to him, he’s still taking his meds – so my worry with him is dramatically eased for the moment. It sounds like he’s coming back here with a plan in mind and like he’s ready to do what he needs to do, so now I get to be supportive sister, instead of worried sister. I like that more!

The boys over the last two days have given me a bunch of new gray hairs! They have just been a little out of control. I think that I understand why, especially being that they’re not spending as much time running around outside now that it’s started to get cold. They seem to spend the daytime being relatively decent but then dinnertime hits and they all get WAY out of control. Screaming, rough housing almost to the point of injury, constantly picking on and bugging each other, literally crawling and jumping over all the furniture…

I feel like it’s been many years that I’ve felt this level of irritation with them. I was having so much fun in the hardcore appreciation of my children mode and while I obviously still do, it’s not nearly as glaringly obvious as it was, even as little as a month or so ago. They feel like toddlers again, 2 or 3 year olds. Just incapable of listening, edging on disrespectful, always getting into crap, where you feel like pulling your hair out and locking yourself in the bathroom to cry is a normal daily occurrence.

I was preparing for Kaeidyn to be the next thing I would have to worry about. Puberty, menarche, resting bitch face (which she has already mastered!), door-slamming, suspensions, losing her virginity. That’s what I thought I was supposed to be preparing for. But apparently, I should’ve been preparing for my super prepubescent group of boys turning into terrible toddlers again – because I can tell you, I wasn’t prepared and it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

And you’d think, with me already having gone through the toddler years (four times!), that I’d have some idea of how to deal with them when they’re out of control – but in the moment, I literally have no idea. I’m quick to respond the way I don’t want to respond, I’m slow to come up with any type of disciplinary action and I’m even slower at implementing or enforcing that discipline (and The Boyfriend will tell you that I don’t at all).

However, we did find out something about Kenzie this week, during his emotional rollercoasting. He had mentioned to The Boyfriend a while ago that he would like to create a YouTube channel. So, on one of the days that he was being semi-rotten, I joked that if he kept being terrible he wouldn’t get a YouTube channel. The water works were immediate and streams of tears rolled down his cheeks. After he had collected himself and calmed down a little, he got up and started cleaning and tried really hard to be an angel the rest of the night (although the brothers made it hard…). So now, every time he’s getting out of hand, I give him “the look” and ask sternly, “You want a YouTube channel?” and he immediately takes me very seriously.

Of course, him wanting a YouTube channel spawned the idea into every kid’s head and we spent an entire night with pens and paper jotting down ideas for videos that each of them want to do. Kaeidyn’s got quite a few ideas and she’s been so cute setting up schedules and making logo designs. Kenzie has a general idea of what he’d like to do but it sounds like he’s not really sure where to go after that or what he’s really wanting to do. Keirnan and Carter have no ideas whatsoever, but they definitely want to be included in the whole thing – preferably as first player!

Add to all that, The Boyfriend’s gamer-related plans for himself, and I’m getting to share my blog-a-holic knowledge left and right. I’m actually learning that I know a lot more than I thought I did. So now, there’s all this knowledge and all these ideas floating around all over the place, and no one seems to be taking any real action towards everything – and is it terrible that I’m incredibly delighted by this?!?

I’ve never shared this itchy sweater with anyone, and I’m loving every minute of it!!

#FridayFavorites

#FridayFavorites: For the Weeks of October 23 – November 6

Ever wanted to be able to see what I’m up to all over the web without actually having to go all over the web? Well, now you can with #FridayFavorites. Join me every Friday to see my favorite finds and posts over the last week.


Favorite Tumblr Find

Everything you find on my Tumblr will be absolutely NSFW and totally intended for adults only! But here’s my favorite PG-13 find from this week and be sure to check out my upcoming #TumblrFavorites post.

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/132325279786

Follow My Tumblr


Favorite Song

This song takes me right back to the early 2000’s. Enjoy B4-4’s “Savin’ for a Rainy Day”, which I’ve had stuck in my head for days!

Follow Me on Spotify


Favorite Google+ Update

Although it’s mostly depressing and that makes it a least-favorite-update, it’s been a consuming issue these last couple of weeks.

https://plus.google.com/+ValerieRayne13/posts/PJj2pPTx14J

Circle Me on Google+


Favorite Tweet

Reading through posts about kink and these two words kept appearing. I was amazed by the thoughts and emotions they produced.

Follow Me on Twitter


Favorite Pinterest Board

One day, in a perfect world, I will be a do-it-yourselfer and I will do at least one of the projects from this board!

Follow Valerie’s board Do-It-Yourself on Pinterest.

Follow Me on Pinterest


Favorite Instagram Photo

All the kids were incredibly excited for Halloween and this year, Kaeidyn went as a creepy doll and begged me to do her makeup. So much fun!

Follow Me on Instagram


Favorite Posts

In case you might’ve missed them over the last little while, here’s my favorite posts from around here over the last week…

Follow My Blog


 Well, that’s my #FridayFavorites.

I encourage you to follow me wherever you are and if you have favorites that are different than mine, let me know what you loved in the comments below! And be sure to join me next Friday for another installment of #FridayFavorites – what will I find?

It’s Happening Again…

We had a really great Halloween this year, even though three of the kids were gone. Friday, we woke up and got Kaeidyn’s makeup all done for school. She had an epically hard time picking what she was going to be this year and finally narrowed it down to a scarecrow or a creepy doll. Ultimately, she ended up going with the creepy doll. I had a lot of fun doing her makeup and was surprised at how much I didn’t suck.

Carter went as a cop, Kenzie went as a ketchup bottle and Keirnan went as a pig and a monkey mixed together for their school Halloween party. It was a super exciting day for them and when they got home, none of them were ready to get out of their costumes. Then, we took the long ride out to their Dad’s.

It rained most of the way there and by the time we left, it was super dark. I forgot how much I hate driving (even when I’m just the passenger) at night. My hands hurt from gripping the seat so hard, especially as we followed behind a semi-truck that kept swerving around on the windy highway. The best part of the drive though was when The Boyfriend and I saw a shooting star!

We found out some not-so-good news about The Boyfriend’s Mom the other night and so the mood around the house has been kind of depressing. It was made worse when I got a phonecall today informing me that my little brother is going crazy again. I knew it was coming because he started posting a lot of poetry to Facebook but I was really hoping that it wouldn’t happen.

I’ve written about my brother’s craziness before on my previous blogs. A few years back (quite a few now…), he had lived as a veritable nomad, bouncing around from town to town, province to province. During this time, he was experimenting heavily with drugs and who knows what else. He claims that one night he did a lot of Ketamine and had some pretty intense hallucinations and this was the beginning of the crazy journey.

Over the years, his “Psychosis – Unknown Origin”, has come and gone. He’s gone through really intense times where it’s so bad that he’s not even recognizable as my brother. He’s also been medicated and hated it, claims that it “kills” him. He’s also had times when he seems fine and functional and okay. After a couple years of relative okayness, he has suddenly dipped back into crazy – so much so that he got kicked out of my Dad’s, where he’s been living for quite awhile now.

It’s always a stressful time when we become officially aware of his symptoms. We know exactly what he needs to do when it’s like this and the biggest thing is to begin the process of getting help – because often, it can take awhile to find something good, something that fits right. However, when he’s in this beginning stage, there is absolutely no way to convince him that he needs help.

He doesn’t want to leave this time, as I’m sure it’s quite a fun time for him. He gets incredibly creative, soaks up knowledge better than usual and gets away with mind wandering and inappropriate behavior while everyone catches up to what’s going on. I get why he doesn’t want to come out of it. And that probably just makes the whole thing feel more burdensome to me.

Tomorrow, we are going to a head shaving party for The Boyfriend’s Mom. I’m hoping that, since we’ll be surrounded by family and it’s a night to be sad, that I can support him however he needs. I can tell that he’s struggling to figure out how he feels and I know he’s got a lot of questions that he can’t seem to ask. Right now, I’m letting him have his silence as he works through it on his own. And I know we’re both just constantly sending positive thoughts out into the universe.

I have a feeling, these next few months are going to be incredibly difficult on him and our family in general.

Making My Mind Race

I have been having a difficult time falling asleep these last couple of days. I seem to have a lot on my mind – and not particularly about anything – but the moment I decide I’m ready for bed, no matter how exhausted I am, my mind goes into hyper-active mode.

Last night, I’d have to keep stopping myself and relied on the number 30, which I would countdown from and then back up to, and this happened over and over again. I was in bed for a good hour and a half struggling with stopping my brain and all its thoughts and counting to keep the thoughts quiet. Have I ever told you how much I hate numbers and how much I hate that they seem to be the only thing that work?

One big thing that I know that I’m struggling with right now is all the kids. And it’s not my normal regular struggling, where I feel overwhelmed or bogged down by them. It’s precisely the opposite. They’re all getting so old, so independent, so wonderful and I’m constantly in this state of gratitude about the wonderfulness of my kids. However, it also makes me nervous and tense and I feel an emptiness, as if I’m losing a part of myself because of it. I spend a lot of my days almost regretting that I haven’t been a better Mom, that I didn’t get to do all the things I always wanted to do with them when they were young, that they don’t need me more or don’t want me more.

It doesn’t help when they’d all rather be with their Dads, respectively. At least once a day lately, I’m hearing from Carter how much he loves The Boyfriend more than he loves me. Sentences like, “I love Daddy 9, 959 more than you” or “I love you a block away from Daddy” – and while I know that he doesn’t mean them the way that they sound or that that’s not really what he’s trying to say, it always makes me feel like my job as his Mom is being completely diminished. Or, when given a choice between doing our traditional Halloween trick-or-treating or going to their Dad’s – Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan all chose going to their Dad’s – even though Kaeidyn had planned to go with friends.

And I get it, because even though we knew our Dad wasn’t awesome in any way, when me and my siblings were kids, we would’ve picked Dad over Mom almost any day. Mostly because, no matter how awful it is, it feels like a holiday.

I’m trying not to let myself get hung up on all that negative energy and instead am trying really hard to focus on all the really great things that we’re getting to experience and navigate through together. I’m trying to ignore the fact that I’m sad about the passing of time and instead trying to be really logical about that process. I’m also trying not to ignore the feeling altogether, but to try (and trust me, it’s hard) and appreciate that I even get to experience that. It is making my mind race!

The Boyfriend and I have been having a tense week or so now. It started with his extreme excitement over Star Wars. First, it was the game beta, then it was the trailers and the news, now it’s everything Star Wars. I’m normally a really supportive girlfriend – I take on his interests, almost always. And I get a lot of pleasure from doing so. And I enjoyed doing it for Star Wars too, even though it’s awfully difficult because I really don’t remember enough about the movies to really follow anything that he’s saying.

But after a week or so of that, I was tuckered out from listening to him – to be really honest and frank. I felt like I had spent a lot of time quiet and listening, which isn’t terrible, it’s just so not me (unless I’m depressed). And just as I began to feel exhausted, the elections happened. We’ve had small elections since we’ve been dating, but we’ve never had an election for a Prime Minister before.

Days and days and days commenced of a lot of different things. Facebook went wild with all sorts of opinions and even though I only stood on the sidelines and watched it all go down, it completely drained me. Then, The Boyfriend had a lot of opinions about the elections, which I wasn’t expecting. Neither of us are really political people… Or at least, I had thought.

And suddenly, we were disagreeing about everything. Absolutely everything. I stated a theory about a trailer for a movie and even though he basically said the same thing as me, he disagreed with me through the entire thing. I stated an opinion about the Liberals and he disagreed vehemently. And this went on for days, even for things that didn’t matter at all, that there was no need for disagreement about. It was like he was trying to start a debate with me, without letting me debate.

The night that we heard the Liberals were winning out, I believe the night before the elections, a huge discussion goes on. He’s got lots to say and I really don’t, because I just don’t feel like I have any right to say it. Obviously, I have the right (like it’s my constitutional right), but because it doesn’t interest me and I’m not educated about it and I don’t keep myself informed about any of it, I just don’t feel like I have a right. So, we’re talking away and it’s a lively conversation that for the most part is light and fun.

I have no idea what I said that resulted in this, but he says first, “I don’t want to say it“, and I said, “No. Do!” and he said, “Well, you’re not really out there!” and I nodded even though my jaw was gaping. I can’t disagree with him there. He’s allowed me to live a pretty sheltered life the last few years. He’s worked hard to ensure that I don’t have to unless I really want to and I’ve adapted wonderfully to life as a stay-at-home mom. He doesn’t insist that I get out of the house if I don’t want to and he allows me to kind of lock myself up in here. I’m appreciative of it, even if sometimes it really drives me nuts that he just supports my inaction and that, even though I know he doesn’t mean it that way, he uses it against me.

He tends to think that I’m this naive, innocent little girl because I see the good in people instead of the bad, and because I think countries will send aid not war, and because I think that not all the guys in power are bad guys, and because I would like to think that not everyone in the world is trying to commit some atrocious crime against us. And when he sits there telling me that that’s not really how it is “out there“, it makes me never want to leave the comfort and protection of these four walls. And I hate him for making me feel like the tiniest person in the world.

Even though, I know, that this is not at all what he means and that to him, he absolutely loves these things about me and loves that he can continue to keep me protected – even though I know all of his wonderful intentions, I can’t help but feel slightly off about it in some way. Slightly resentful towards him in someway. And the fact that I have that negativity like that towards him in any way right now is making me feel incredibly guilty and ungrateful. And that is making my mind race!

It has been such a use-your-brain kind of couple of weeks. And that is making my sleep incredibly difficult. I’ve been having a hard time falling asleep, mostly because I can’t shut the constant stream of thoughts off, and I’ve been having a hard time waking up, because it feels like I haven’t rested at all. And although I feel mostly fine when I do get up, I’ve been pretty negative towards myself for the inability to just sleep normally. For being the type of person who sleeps better during the day and functions better at night, for the being the type of person who lays there wide awake for an hour before falling asleep, for being unable to shut my brain up. And that, is making my mind race!

Lately…

I have been utterly sick these last few days. It started with The Boyfriend and he quickly passed it on to me. The first day wasn’t so bad, but day two and three were rough and I’ve done absolutely nothing but sleep and pout.

I’ve had an incredibly tough week with the kids and I just feel bogged down by them lately. I’ve been working hard to keep up on their school stuff and we’ve been doing a great job, but somehow my timing has been off for everything this last little while and I’ve been unprepared on more than one morning for the school day ahead.

Kenzie’s also struggling a lot in school right now and he seems to be taking out on us. His attitude has been out of control the last few days and we’ve had a number of tantrums that resulted in early bedtimes. He’s not adjusting to the reading and the spelling and we knew that he was going to have issues, but we didn’t expect to have no idea how to deal with it once he realized he was struggling. On more than one occasion, we’ve thrown our hands up with no clue about how to proceed.

Carter has been a violent kid and seems to always be picking a fight with his brothers. He’s gotten into just suddenly walking over and punching them or kicking them. We haven’t exhausted the list of ways to deal with it, but we’re going through it and so far nothing is working. He wants to fight and Kenzie and Keirnan don’t. It’s a huge pain in the butt to deal with and I hate trying to figure it out.

Keirnan’s been doing great in school and seems to be the only kid right now who isn’t giving me a massive migraine. He’s been reading a lot and keeping himself busy doing quiet things like building with his legos or drawing. It’s been quite a shock how well he’s doing at school, because we never expected him to. We were always being prepared by everyone for him to not do so great because of his prematurity and previous speech impetiment, but it’s not holding him back at all.

Kaeidyn has been pretty awesome lately too. She’s been doing really good in all her classes, except gym – although she expected that she wasn’t going to do very good. Today, she came home from school with gifts that she had picked up from the school store and brought me home a new shirt and jacket, which she claims is my birthday present. I think really she just picked it out for her and then realized it was too big, but I’m not complaining and gave her great big hugs and kisses for spoiling me.

She’s had a hard time with letting the parents be parents recently and there’s been a lot of lecturing of her, on top of everyone else, about why she needs to let the parents deal with the kids who are misbehaving. She always wants to add her two cents to every situation and most of the time, she doesn’t get her point across very well at all. It’s been trying to say the least.

I’ve been feeling generally stressed right out this last little while. I mean, part of it is the fact that I’ve been sick, so therefore have been slacking on everything. Anytime I slack a lot, I start feeling stressed. But the other part of it, I’m not sure what’s going on. I’ve got no real reason to be stressed out, other than the usual, and yet I can’t seem to shake it. I spent a few days thinking maybe it was another bout of depression, it had started to feel that way, but the last two days seem to be less negative – so I’m just riding it out and seeing where I end up right now.

Well, that’s basically all I have to write at the moment. Just wanted to do a quick update. I plan on spending the next couple days cleaning, so it may be a bit before I write again. We’ll see 😉