The Rantings - For Adults 18+

Almost Been a Month….

I’m officially starting to get incredibly annoyed by the lack of sex around here. This is probably the longest The Boyfriend and I have ever gone without having any sexual contact whatsoever and honestly, it doesn’t even seem like either of us cares, and that is so entirely unlike us…

It’s been almost an entire month now… It made sense the two weeks he was out of town. We sexted during that time – once, and both of us were talking like his first night back would be filled with sex. Then he got back and that first night had no sex, not even a kiss more than a peck on the lips.

He had two days off a couple days ago. I thought we were going to have sex then. The first night, I ended up being grumpy about his game playing. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel a little jealous of the games – it’s just something that happens. But that second night, no idea why sex didn’t happen.

I’ll admit, I’m feeling a little apprehensive about having sex. I’m the biggest I’ve ever been thanks to baby and sex hasn’t been much on my mind. I can’t say that I feel particularly sexy. I feel big and awkward and functional – like my body is here to house a baby, not like it’s here to be sexualized. I’m nervous about bleeding or hurting or feeling baby kick upon penetration. And so I’m not initiating that intimacy like I usually do.

And of course, if I’m not initiating, neither is he…

I can’t tell if he’s not initiating because he’s not interested or because he thinks I’m not interested or if we’re both just thinking about pregnancy and therefore not thinking about sex. I can’t figure out if we’re both just too tired to get down to business or if there’s a discomfort for us around it or anything. And up until his last days off, I didn’t really care, but now I’m officially starting to care.

He’s been working a lot lately and that always puts a huge damper on our sex life. It puts a huge damper on a lot of things, because his mind is always filled with thoughts of work. Even when he’s not working, he’s worrying about work and I totally get it. It feels like we have no time for each other right now and that of course, affects our intimacy levels.

I’m worried that we won’t have sex again until I’m done being pregnant. And then, you have to wait the stupid 6 weeks after that and it’s already been almost a month of no sex. I’m worried about how it will affect our relationship not having sex for that long, especially being that we’ve never gone that long. I mean, sure we’ve gone awhile without penetrative sex, but we’ve never gone anything close to this long without heavy makeout sessions or blowjobs! I’m worried that eventually I’ll start taking the lack of intimacy out on him and it will take both of us far longer than it should to figure out that I’m pissy at him for the lack of sex.

At this point, I don’t even know when his next days off are, so I don’t even know when it might be possible to do anything. And then chances are, that day will come around and my vagina will be hurting or my back will be hurting or something will stand in the way of us getting down to loving. And while I feel like I could get through it right now, what will it be like a week from now?!? I just can’t believe that it’s already almost been a month…

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Where Did the Time Go?

I absolutely cannot believe that I haven’t written in over a month…! It does not feel like it’s been that long and it’s definitely not for lack of things to write about. June just whizzed by in a blur and while July has slowed down a lot, it feels like I haven’t had a moment for anything.

The summer started with dropping the older three kids off at their Dad’s. It’s been incredibly boring without them here and it’s probably the first time ever where they left and days later, I was missing them hard. It comes and goes in waves and sometimes, I’m relieved that they’re gone and sometimes, I just want my babies back. They’ve been there for about three or four weeks now and we’ve probably got another week until they come home. I cannot wait!

The Boyfriend also left shortly after they did, leaving Carter and I at home alone. He got an incredible opportunity to go train other managers up in the Northwest Territories. You have no idea how awesome it feels to say that my boyfriend had to go on a business trip. He wasn’t expecting me to be as supportive as I was and that made him very nervous about the trip. He spent two weeks up there and had a great time exploring this totally new-to-him place.

I knew I would start missing him pretty hard by about day three and I was totally right. The first couple of nights went by with ease and then that third day hit and it started dragging miserably to the point where it felt like it would never end. By day seven, we were both going pretty nuts and it became a bit of a battle to make it through the day without sadness over the absence. We’ve never spent that much time apart and I can’t imagine it happening very often in the future. It was such a relief the day we went to pick him up from the airport.

Carter and I had made a “Welcome Home, Daddy” sign and greeted him at his gate. I’ve never seen either of them look so happy as when they first saw each other. Unfortunately, he’s basically been working non-stop since he got back from the trip and only today has he finally gotten days off. We are both so excited about finally getting to spend some quality time together!

Have had a couple prenatal appointments over the last little while too and baby is doing really well. They sent me for another ultrasound – a biophysical profile to be exact. The last time I went for one of those, while I was pregnant with Kaeidyn, resulted in me being induced for labor the very next day – so I was a little nervous about it. All went well though and baby is looking great. Now we get to start doing prenatal appointments every week and we’ve only got about four weeks left!

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to get this pregnancy over with. My body has ached like this, and worse, before now – but never has it made me so entirely miserable. I can’t wait to get this baby out of my belly and into my arms. I’m nothing but excited about the idea of having my baby here!

In other news, my house has never been and stayed this clean ever. I’ve even been tackling the huge amount of laundry that had piled up and I’m actually enjoying doing it, because it’s staying organized and tidy! Cleaning up after two people is a million times easier than cleaning up after six! I wish it was always this easy because I’d never have a problem getting it done. I’ve got a few little projects to do before the older kids get home but otherwise, my house has looked great for a while now and it definitely feels really nice!!

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It’s June Already…!!

Oh my goodness, its June already!! This year has just been whipping by. And it’s June already…!

It’s that dreaded time of the year again where we’re heading into a housing inspection. It means doing a super deep clean of every single square foot of this house. It means trying to stay motivated to get cleaning done for longer than one day, while also maintaining motivation for the five other people in the house. It means freaking out for an entire week that we aren’t doing enough, no matter how many hours we work, unnecessarily – because we’ve managed to not fail five years running.

This year seems especially unmanageable because I am pregnant and uncomfortable and it is making all the cleaning feel that much harder. Washing dishes has become the biggest pain in the butt because the counter cuts right across my massive stomach, so I hunch a lot and really upset my hips. I get tuckered out a million times quicker to the point where I have to sit at least to catch my breath and re-motivating myself after each tucker out is just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t think I’ve ever had a housing inspection while I was pregnant, and I can tell you that I absolutely do not like it!

I realized the other day that we’ve only got about thirteen weeks left until it’s baby time. Again, time is just whipping by. I feel like it was just the other day that I was stressing out about telling our parents… And now, it’s only a short time before we’ll be holding a baby in our arms. I know that over the next month or so things will slow down dramatically (as it always does in the third trimester) and I’ll be bitching about how time is now marching along at a sluggish speed, but right now, it feels like it’s going really fast.

We went for our last monthly prenatal appointment. After that one, they start happening every two weeks. Everything with baby and my health is looking great. My blood pressure was on point, all my recent tests – ultrasound, glucose screening, etc. – all came back normal, and most surprisingly to us baby is measuring exactly where he’s supposed to be. I’ve never measured accurately, always measuring at least two weeks small – even with Carter who was a normal-sized baby! Now we have one last ultrasound to schedule and then it’s just a matter of counting down!

School is already almost out! It took us all year to get Carter to like going to school and now that he finally does, it’s about to end! It’s crazy how fast the school year has gone too. Although I can honestly say that I’m looking forward to summer break. I’m looking forward to not having to do the school routine because it is probably the hardest routine we try our best, and often fail, to stick with. It’s a lot of pressure off! I’m also looking forward to doing summer stuff with the kids. I cannot wait to spend a day at the beach!

I still just can’t believe it’s June already. Time is just whipping by!

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Broken Bones and Road Trip

It was one heck of a long long weekend. It’s probably the first time in a long time that I actually did something for May long. On Friday, The Boyfriend and I took all the kids up to their Dad’s for the long weekend and that went smoothly. My Mom called the same day and asked if I wanted to take a road trip with her the next day. Carter was going to come but decided that he didn’t like the highway, so I just went alone – The Boyfriend had to stay home because of work.

The next day we were taking a trip up to Whitecourt to see my sister. I haven’t traveled that far in years! It was awesome to see her because it’s been awhile and I really don’t get to see her enough. I miss the days when they lived right here in town and I could just go to her house whenever I felt like it. Now we have to travel five hours to get to each other and it’s absolutely never for long enough.

They weren’t really expecting us and the first people we saw were my niece and nephew. Man oh man, do kids ever grow fast. My nephew, who’s 13, is now officially as tall as I am. Made me feel small all weekend! Both my sister’s kids are tall. It started raining while we were up there and that just seemed to make the whole visit that much better, because it was so refreshing – the whole thing.

It was a short but sweet trip and I can’t wait until I’m able to take the kids and The Boyfriend with me. Next time, he won’t be working and they won’t be at their Dad’s!

In other news, and I honestly can’t believe it’s taken me this long to write about it, Kaeidyn broke her arm! Last Monday, she went on an after school field trip to the skate park and went longboarding. She ended up going down a hill, wobbling all the way, before falling off pretty good. She hadn’t even been there a whole hour when we were getting called to go pick her up.

The first thing she said to me when she saw me was, “I should’ve known better! I’ve watched the fail videos, I’ve seen the vines!” and I nodded profusely. We took her up to the hospital and were there for the next eight hours as she got a bunch of x-rays and then put to sleep and put in a cast. It was a lot of waiting and worrying and a lot more waiting.

She was so amazing and took the whole thing like a champ for someone who had broken a bone. She cried a little bit when they put her in a sling, cried a lot when they put in her IV and tears filled her eyes as they put her to sleep and she whispered to me, “If anything should happen to me, make sure to donate my organs!“. I still can’t believe she’s the first of the kids to break a bone…!

She’s been wearing a plaster cast for the last week and tomorrow we go to get her fiberglass cast on. I’ve had to constantly be on top of her for pushing it too hard, because she’s insisting on “maintaining her independence” – just in case she “actually loses an arm one day“. It’s been an adjustment, to say the least.

The rest of this week and all of next week will be entirely dedicated to getting our house completely spotless clean. We have our dreaded annual inspection, which for some reason always causes me the greatest amount of unwarranted stress. Okay, not entirely unwarranted, being that failing the inspection could and most likely will result in eviction…

Even though I’m probably exaggerating to a large degree, and The Boyfriend will assure me that I am, I feel like we have so much more than usual to do – mainly because we started rearranging our living room because of a new couch and haven’t finished getting rid of all the throwaway furniture yet – another project for this week! Right now, it all feels like an impossibility. I’m sure I’ve said this every time we’ve ever had an inspection…

So, if you don’t hear from me for a little bit, that’s where I’m at 😉

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Ready to Get Back to Work

I hate these huge gaps between posts lately. I hate that I keep promising myself to change that and then just end up sucking at it. I hate that I’ve become such a huge slacker and that I want so desperately to change it but my body and mind just can’t seem to get on board with it.

I had spent quite awhile freaking out about baby stuff. We finally went in for the ultrasound that I had talked about in my last post and it went really well. It was fun because The Boyfriend got to come in for the whole entire thing and we got to watch it from beginning to end – two things that have never happened before.

All our worries were greatly relieved when we were told that everything is looking great. Baby’s heart is looking fine and he’s right on track for his growth. Now we’ve just got to go for the Glucose Screening Test and then probably another ultrasound closer to the end of the pregnancy.

The kids have all been a serious handful and a half these last few days, maybe even going on a couple weeks. We’ve left Kaeidyn to babysit a couple times while we ran to get coffees or whatever and the power goes to her head and she becomes little miss bossy, in the worst kind of way. It irritates the boys to no end and then she has the hardest time coming out of the wannabe-mommy-mindframe.

Carter is by-far the one that hates it the most. And he has just not been able to get along with anyone for anything. He’s constantly getting on someone’s nerves. He’s been really klutzy lately and has been hurting himself on a regular basis. He will literally sit at the top of the stairs and fall down them on purpose. He doesn’t even cry, just gets up and does it again. I tend to raise my voice in his direction a heck of a lot more than I’d like to.

Kenzie has been an emotional wreck and is prone to burst out into tears the moment he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. Lately, that seems to be going over to other people’s houses – whether it’s my Mom’s or a friend of his – and the moment you say “no”, he’s bawling on the couch. Or one of the kids will start copying him and he just breaks down in tears. It’s been days of calming him constantly.

Even Keirnan has been more of a pain in the butt than normal. He’s been noisier and has gotten to that terrible stage where he’s prone to hit long before even considering to use his words. And he is seriously getting so terrible for his lying, all the time, about everything. Even things that don’t need a lie. I don’t get it and I don’t completely get how to stop it either. We’ve tried all the tricks I remember from the other kids and they just don’t seem to be working…

The Boyfriend has the next two days off and we’ve got plenty of plans. First and foremost is a lot of cleaning. We have been seriously neglectful and I’m officially done with that. Upstairs, downstairs, laundry and yard – it’s all gotta get done. Then we’ve got dinner at both our Mom’s places, which I’m looking forward to, because I’ve been desperately wanting to get out of the house and have a reason to do so. I also hope that I can find time to focus some attention on my online stuff. I keep saying that I’m going to and then end up not and I’m just so ready to get over that. I’m so ready to get some work done!

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Week of Nervous Wreckage

Long time, no write! My apologies

It’s been a week, to say the least. Not necessarily a good week, not necessarily a bad week. It’s been a week that has been full of emotional ups and downs. It’s been a week that has me utterly exhausted and feeling pregnant in every inch of my body. It’s been a week that I am beyond ready to have over. And it’s definitely been a week that I haven’t wanted to write about (and I’m definitely not enjoying that.. the not wanting to write thing…).

We’ll start at the beginning, Monday. We had our second ultrasound to go to and we were all very excited. The older three kids were hoping to come along, but they ended up getting stuck out at their Dad’s for the day. Carter came with The Boyfriend and I. They waited out in the waiting room while I traveled back with the technician. It was a long ultrasound and after about forty-five minutes, she asked if we could do an internal ultrasound so that she could “check my cervix“. Another fifteen minutes passed and the official exam was over.

The technician helped me wipe up the cooled gel and told me I could go get The Boyfriend and she was just going to go talk to the doctor. It all started adding up in my head: super long ultrasound + external & internal ultrasound + talking to the doctor = something’s not quite right. I felt like a nervous wreck by the time I got to The Boyfriend and I grabbed his hand and whispered to him, “Something’s up…“. We went back into the room and I told him all the things I just told you and then we had to wait another fifteen minutes for the technician to get back, with no word about anything that had just happened.

Even though we had seen that our technician got beautiful pictures of our baby’s face, during the actual showing-to-us part of the exam, she seemed to be focused on the legs and the “cute” feet. Carter quickly lost interest in what was on the screen and The Boyfriend and I giggled and held hands tightly. She asked if we wanted to know the sex and we both enthusiastically said yes and we were told we’re having a boy – not exactly the news we were hoping for (especially the older three kids), but we’re happy nonetheless.

Baby #5 - It's a Boy - April 2016
Baby #5 – It’s a Boy – April 2016

We left and I bitched to The Boyfriend about the whole thing and we went and picked up the kids and all was good. Two days later, I got a call from my doctor’s office saying that they wanted me to come in early to discuss the results of my ultrasound. The nurse says to me, “It’s important you don’t panic“. I hang up the phone after booking my appointment and immediately burst into tears thinking the absolute worst things possible. Those words, “It’s important you don’t panic“, had me panicking more as I worried “Is it important I don’t panic because it could cause harm to me or the baby or is important I don’t panic because there’s nothing to panic about?!?” and I had a good forty minutes of absolute nervous wreckage!

So then, I whip out all my pregnancy books that I’ve accumulated over the years and spend the rest of the night searching up anything dealing with ultrasounds and cervixes. Had myself almost entirely convinced that I probably had an incompetent cervix and why were my doctors dealing with it so stupidly. I was greatly relieved when we went to our appointment and found out that that was not the issue at all.

Most babies umbilical cords have 3 vessels. In approximately 1% of pregnancies there are only 2 vessels. We are the 1%. 

At this point, we are not worrying about these results. We’re waiting to hear from the perinatologist to book a more in-depth ultrasound that will tell us whether or not there is anything to worry about. In 75% of pregnancies with a 2-vessel cord, the baby is born normal and healthy and fine, and at this present moment, there is nothing to indicate that we wouldn’t be in that 75%. And if we’re not, we’ll deal with that when we know for sure! After a drive out to Calgary, an even longer ultrasound and then a wait until our next prenatal appointment…

The kids have been a handful and a half, especially during the weekend when they were home and full of energy on the cold and rainy days we had. None of them are getting along very well at all right now and it is driving the parents batty. Carter and Kaeidyn are always at each other’s throats and his favorite thing to say to her is “Enough!“, which seriously pisses her off. Really, I suppose, it’s Carter not getting along with anybody else and they all constantly want to have space from him and he just really doesn’t like that.

Today was Kenzie’s birthday and we also got a new-to-us couch. We’ve been saying for months now, maybe even years, that we needed to get rid of our junk furniture and get new stuff and today we made the first huge strides. Finally threw out my broken and ratty lamp and got The Boyfriend to get a new one. Finally moved two couches that were super wrecked out of the living room and moved the new couch in, which resulted in us having to push everything else in the living room over to the right by about a foot. We plan to actually take all the junk furniture to the dump tomorrow, but after all the work we did today, I seriously needed a rest.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since the kids went to bed. My feet are up and I’ve been laying out for at least an hour now in hopes that the spasm in my hip will go away and the baby will stop pushing on me uncomfortably. The Boyfriend has been taking super good care of me so that I can relax after working so hard today and for that I am super grateful. It’s a good end to a full day!

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Sick and Pregnant

I have been ridiculously sick for the last three or four days. Yesterday was the first day that I could breathe out my nose and I’ve never been more grateful for the ability! It came on swiftly and I had a whole two days of nothing but complaints, tons of tissues and so much mouth-breathing. Having a cold and also being pregnant made the whole experience that much worse.

I haven’t completely ended the morning sickness phase. While it’s not as constant as it was in the first trimester, certain things still make me super queasy. I still have to be especially careful how much coffee I drink, because one sip over baby’s limit sends me running for the toilet. Then, the soreness throughout my body is just incredible. I remember pregnancy hurting in every joint and muscle but it still tends to take me by surprise, as parts of my body that I typically don’t feel, suddenly scream out in pain.

We get to go for the next ultrasound in four days and everyone is incredibly excited. We’re all desperate to find out what we’re having and more than one calendar has been marked in anticipation of finally getting to see a real baby. Especially now that we’re starting to feel the baby move (just…). It’s all becoming very real and that’s an exciting stage to be getting to. It’s really interesting to be experiencing it with the kids, now that they’re all grown up.

Kaeidyn has been my little caretaker. She hounds me to take my prenatal vitamins and anytime I’m not feeling well, she’ll go above and beyond to try and make me feel better. It’s very cute how she lovingly puts her hand on my slowly expanding stomach and asks me, “How’s baby doing?”, before touching my forehead, as if to check my temperature. Keirnan has really taken no notice at all in the pregnancy or the baby and only shows any type of interest when a group of people are showing interest. The only thing that he has said and continues to say is that he hopes it’s a girl. Kenzie’s head is right at the height of my stomach and he’s been enjoying giving me huge hugs anytime I’m standing. He smushes his little face up to my stomach and squeezes tightly.

Carter spends a lot of his time being rough to my stomach and The Boyfriend and I almost always have a discussion about how he’s going to be so jealous when baby gets here. He’ll roughly poke and prod my stomach or squeeze my flesh in his clenched fists. He’s been climbing all over both the parents lately and will sit directly on top of the round of my stomach. While he’s excited and curious and interested – asking tons of questions and wanting to be involved – he generally gets unknowingly rough with my stomach. I think he’s going to have the hardest time out of all of the kids adjusting to a baby in the house – mainly, having to share his Mom and Dad with someone needier than him.

We went for a nice drive yesterday to take the kids out to Alfie’s. Have I ever told you how much I love that we can drive? We drop them off at the McDonald’s in Leduc, which is right across the highway from an airport. We sat in the parking lot long enough to see four planes go overhead and it absolutely made our day. Carter was invited to go with the kids for the first time ever but we said no, because none of the kids have been getting along well lately, and especially not Carter and the older ones. So, I decided that they needed a break from each other. Have I ever told you how much I love having that option?

The Boyfriend goes back to work after having the last two weeks off this weekend, which is a little sad. I’m looking forward to getting back into some sort of routine because having him home means that I spent a lot of time seriously slacking. Many nights passed where I didn’t do the dishes or make dinner or even move from my spot once. He’s managed to work this next week where he works a couple days and then gets a couple off and then works a couple and then a couple off – and it’s honestly so great to have that to transition back from holidays.

The rest of this weekend, the plan is for me to muster as much energy as possible to get some of the cleaning projects off of my to-do list. I really gotta buckle down and get these floors mopped and while The Boyfriend is home is the best time to do it. As long as the couple things are done by the time the older kids get back from their Dad’s on Sunday. It’s going to be a busy weekend 😉

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#ThrowbackThursday – 101 Things About Me (2010 Edition)

Over the years on my blogs, I’ve experimented with a variety of formats and content. Back in 2010, The Rantings of a Tortured Mind not only had these awesome biographies of each of the kids, it also had a “101 Things About Me” page, which was incredibly difficult to make. It’s amazing how little and how much has changed in the last 6 years. Enjoy this blast from the past!

101 Things About Me - The Rantings of a Tortured Mind (2013)

Things That Have Changed…

Much of this list would still be the same today as it was back in 2010. Save for a few things…

#15 – I have a moderate-to-severe heart murmur

Not anymore! About six months after Carter was born, I went for an echocardiogram and the murmur had gone away entirely. To think that we were talking about synthetic valves and then just a few months later, the whole problem goes out the window!

#19 – At one time, I had 12 different blogs. Now narrowed down to 4… It’s a bit of an addiction!

For almost a year now, I have successfully only had 2 blogs – this one and my Tumblr. It’s far less of an addiction now than it ever was before, although I’ll never stop being a blog-a-holic.

#24 – I love playing videogames, my favorite console being the PS3.

I haven’t played a PS3 in a really long time. Because it’s the only console I use now, I have to say my favorite console is the Xbox One. However, the reality is that when it comes to games, you’re more likely to find me playing The Sims 4 on my PC!

#36 – My longest relationship has been 6 years, my shortest 2 years.

The Boyfriend and I are coming up on our 8th anniversary this summer, so now my longest relationship has been 8 years and my shortest has been 2 years.

#61 – I enjoy collecting dead rose petals.

I no longer collect anything. I have an extensive collection of vinyls, but that’s not something I went out of my way to collect. I have not received flowers once in the 8 years that The Boyfriend and I have been together.

#94 – I avoid the stationery section of most stores…

Not anymore! I have successfully walked through that section multiple times in the last couple of years and walked out empty-handed and feeling fine. The kids like to use up and lose all my papers/journals/pens, so I just stopped getting them. Again, no collecting here!

#95 – I take a 4 cream 5 sugar please!

It only took him 6 years, but after much determination and plenty of trial and error, The Boyfriend managed to get me down to a triple triple. We now drink the exact same kind of coffee, although I drink far less now than I did back then. This pregnancy isn’t very fond of coffee either, so I’m down to about one cup a day – sometimes less.

Interesting! 7 things – that’s all that’s changed in about 6 years. It feels like a lot more has happened in that time but I guess the fundamentals will probably always be the same.

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Beautiful Weekend

The weather has been beyond beautiful. So beautiful that you want to spend every single moment of the day outside. We went from being in the negatives to being double digits into the positive and it has made me one heck of a happy girl.

Yesterday, The Boyfriend came home from work and informed me that, unbeknownst to me, he had booked his holidays and they started right then and there. I thought we still had months to go, so it was a wonderful surprise. Then he decided that he wanted to go spend money that was burning a hole in his pocket, so he called and booked appointments for Kaeidyn and I to get our hair cut.

I had added this particular task to my to-do list many months ago. I hadn’t gotten my haircut in about 8 years and it was unhealthy and ridiculously long. Kaeidyn and I both picked pixie cuts but with a completely different style. It was so much fun to watch her go from long hair to short hair. I thought I was going to cry so hard, since I did the last time I got my haircut, but I dealt with it pretty well and was quite excited when it was finally done. It’s the shortest I’ve had my hair since the last time I shaved my head.

We even went to a couple music shops around town and checked out the guitars and drums and violins and pianos and the kids were so well behaved during the entire outing – which was a good 5 or 6 hours long. When we got home, I was still wanting to be outside, so I took some of the kids to the park for a little bit. It was pretty windy out, so we didn’t stay long, but it was a good walk and everyone enjoyed it.

Today, the sun was shining bright early this morning. It made me immediately want to get up and move. We had also promised the boys that we would take them shopping today and had said that we had hoped to go to Rotary Park – probably our most favorite park in the whole city. Although it took us a little bit to get up and going, we did exactly that. First, we went and enjoyed the sunshine down at Rotary. Keirnan and Kenzie spent their whole time on the monkey bars and Kaeidyn spent almost all of hers on the swings, Carter was the only kid to really explore the park. Then, we walked up the big long staircase. It was hell on my knees and by the top, I was heaving for air.

Afterwards, we went to Wal-Mart and the kids all got little things – toys for the boys and CD’s for Kaeidyn. I was hoping to find a pair of pants or running shoes – since pregnancy has made me need both! – but they didn’t have a single thing I liked. I even looked for a dress or a skirt, but had absolutely no luck. Oh well, maybe next time…

Now I think the next couple of days will be solely dedicated to getting the house clean. The Boyfriend was amazing and got the kids to help him clean the living room this morning and Kaeidyn’s been doing a bunch of laundry, but the kitchen and our room is in desperate need of a good deep clean. And being that The Boyfriend’s on holidays, I see no problems in getting in done.

My last prenatal appointment went really well and everything’s looking normal and fine. We’re impatiently awaiting our next ultrasound in about 2 weeks and crossing our fingers that we’ll get a girl gender reveal. Then, it’s time for the dreaded Glucose Screening Test, which I’ve hated doing every single pregnancy – this time is no exception. The juice-y/pop/syrup stuff makes my head feel gross, and I hate gross-head. Looking forward to everything coming back normal on that.

One last thing, if you haven’t noticed, “The Erotica” category is now gone and has been replaced with “The Writing” category. I decided that I didn’t want to limit myself to only writing erotica – what if I ended up deciding to write something without sex or sexuality in it? – so the name was changed. You’ll still find my erotica there, but you’ll also find other stuff too.

The Writing - For Everyone

I Write to Remember

I Write to Remember

I write to remember
So I won’t forget
All the places I’ve been
All the people I’ve met

I write to remember
Every moment in time
When the seconds and minutes
Did more than tick by

I write to remember
Every day of my life
The days filled with love
The years, with strife

I write to remember
All the love that I’ve had
All of the good times
And all of the bad

I write to remember
All of these things
Because life lives
In the memory

The Rantings - For Everyone

The One from Six Months Ago…

Sometimes, I write posts that I don’t publish for one reason or another – ultimately because I’m not comfortable sharing whatever publicly or with anyone other than myself. About five or six months ago, I wrote this post and saved it because I wanted to remember those mixed feelings we were having – but I didn’t want to say anything that made it sound like I wanted to be pregnant again.

Now that I am pregnant again, it’s interesting to remember this time in our lives when we thought we couldn’t get pregnant and to remember the fear we felt about another pregnancy. It’s interesting to have those mixed feelings, without the “What If?”. It’s amazing how much happens in a half a year.


I got to play guitar this past weekend. It’s been WAY too long!

Although I haven’t owned a guitar since Kaeidyn was in Kindergarten, I have had access to one anytime I go down to my Mom’s. And even though I’ve strummed it a few times over the last year, I haven’t really played in a good long while. Often I get hung up in how long it’s been and then I’m super self-critical and put the thing down before anything begins.

But, when I was handed the guitar by Mom’s boyfriend (who always hands me the guitar), I felt a little giddy and played around happily. I even sang after a while and enjoyed a good 5 or 6 song long streak, which just hasn’t happened in a while. And even though my fingers burned and my voice quivered, I had a lot of fun, which I wasn’t expecting.

In other news, my period is late. This year has been a menses mess! I’ve been using a period tracker for about two years now (give or take). No matter what, this thing can’t seem to figure me out at all. It doesn’t help that my period is all over the place and can’t figure anything out either… From periods that are lasting way longer and being a lot more painful to multiple months of lateness, it’s just getting exhausting. You’ll never hear anyone wish for menopause as much as I am right now.

The worst part about continually being late, and of course, it’s not continual, it’s sporadic. So, the worst part about being sporadically late, is that every single time it happens, I go through the mixed emotions of “What if I’m pregnant?”. I mean, I haven’t been pregnant yet. As far as The Boyfriend and I are concerned, I can’t get pregnant because if I could, it would’ve happened sometime in the last six years. But it hasn’t. And yet, every single time my period is late, it’s the first thing that pops into my head.

Last time this happened, probably about three months ago, when my period decided to be an entire month late, I was convinced I was pregnant and I was not happy about it. I was devastated and worried and freaking out about the whole situation. The Boyfriend was calm and relaxed and said, “It wouldn’t be the worst thing”, and I was heavily relieved when the test came back negative.

This time around, The Boyfriend had convinced me to wait until his next days off, because he was sure my period would start by then. The day rolled around, today, and still nothing. I have been freaking out for two freaking weeks, because on one hand, I really want to pregnant again. It’s been six years, all our kids are growing up, there would be no better time than now – we’re stable, we’re sane, we’re responsible, we’re doing great in almost all respects – never before have I given life to a child in better conditions than these. Part of me was excited about the prospect of babies and diapers and breastfeeding again. On the other hand, it’s no fun at all bringing a human into the world when no one is excited about it, and I’ve done that a lot…So, I was struggling with the unknown.

So, when he brought home the test, I was pretending to not care at all, but secretly I was hoping that it would come back positive. I was deterred when The Boyfriend made it sound like he was no longer comfortable with the idea and when I went to take the test, I was full of thoughts on the idea of it. And I was taken aback at my immediate anger when the test sat for two minutes and still read negative.

I hate that my period keeps getting my hopes up. I spend much longer than is necessary in a state of doubt and questioning. And then to find out, it’s all for naught and I just wasted $12 – well, it’s incredibly infuriating. It’s especially anger inducing when you’ve spent all this time debating the pros and cons and you’ve spent the last two weeks dreading this day and then it turns out that all your worries are misplaced.

I always enjoyed being pregnant, even when it was insanely hard. I loved it even when it was literally driving me insane. I loved giving birth, even when it never seemed to work out the way I had wanted it to –  a c-section when I wanted a natural birth, a VBAC when I wanted a c-section, a preemie and standing up in the bathroom! I loved, beyond belief, raising these beautiful little babies through toddlerhood and their first years of school, even when I felt used up, exhausted and completely overwhelmed. And as it stands right now, I am loving, beyond belief, experiencing this time with these amazing little humans.

I can’t get over how crushed I am about the negative test, especially as more days march on without any sign of blood.

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Kaeidyn Drama

Originally written around March 13th:

Parenting is the by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And you’d think it would get easier as they got older, but the reality is that it just gets harder and harder. Since my last post, the Kaeidyn drama reached the boiling point today and we ended up going into the school and having a discussion with them.

As part of the school program, Kaeidyn’s able to use Google Hangouts. She enjoys it because she can keep in touch with her friends. And she knows that all the parents have access to her account and are regularly reading through her conversations. Last night, The Boyfriend checked in as usual and noticed some seriously disturbing messages.

One boy had sent her sexually explicit messages asking her to do a variety of sexual favors for him. No matter how often she said “No” or the number of ways in which she said it, the boy continued to ask her and push her – at one point even stating that he would force himself on her. One girl had sent her pictures of her cut arms and messages claiming that Kaeidyn was the cause of them. Immediately, The Boyfriend called me and we began hashing out a plan on how to deal with it.

We woke up early this morning and went down to the school to get it sorted out. We’ve had problems with the girl in the past and honestly, I’m incredibly concerned about her, so I wanted to bring that to the school’s attention right away. We met with the principal and it sounds like they will be talking to each of the kids we mentioned, including Kaeidyn. He will confer with Kaeidyn’s counselor and they will do what they can on their end.

The Boyfriend had been fuming prior to the meeting but was comforted by the meeting. I walked out more upset than I was before we had gone in. The feminist in me is angry at all men today and I don’t see it going away for a while.

All night and all morning, The Boyfriend kept saying things that just were a little off to me. After the boy pushes and pushes Kaeidyn, instead of saying “No“, she replied “Maybe” to the question “Would you have sex with me?“. This irritated The Boyfriend to no end and multiple times he said things that implied that Kaeidyn was inviting more advances. He kept saying that we should ground her off of Hangouts and essentially punish her for allowing herself to be violated, for not telling the parents immediately, for something. This is after the other night spending hours on the phone with Alfie basically listening to the same crap.

Then, we go into the principal and the language used, once again treats it like she’s instigating and she’s at fault. She’s “vulnerable” and “perky“, “attracts the boys” and “puts herself in the middle“. Again, no one is out and out saying, “It’s her fault!“, but almost implying that it is.

I remember being 11-years-old. You are sexual even when you’re not even aware that you are sexual. I remember one time sucking on a candy cane, like I did all the time. Except this particular year, a boy mentioned how sexy it was when I did that. I couldn’t understand how it was possibly sexy and relied on my Mom to tell me. Kaeidyn’s going through the exact same thing and the language used by all the men and even some of the women in our life, implies that she’s somehow at fault for how others’ see her.

It’s ridiculous how ingrained this thinking is in the mind’s of the people around me. It reminds me of when she was wearing short skirts and everyone immediately told her that she “would be raped” dressing in that way. And I feel like everyone is reacting to this negatively, except for me. And I can’t seem to convince anyone of how okay all of this is.

The reality is, that kid is growing up. And faster now than ever before. And in this time, we make the decision what kind of parents we’re going to be and what kind of relationship we’re going to have with her. And to be honest, it is a thousand times more important to me that she comes and talks to me when she’s ready to have sex than it is for me to not have her having sex. Of course, I don’t want my baby girl to have sex yet and I don’t want her out kissing boys and being surrounded by drama. But I know that I don’t control that, she does!

Added on March 26th:

After being talked to by the principal, the boy is no longer talking to Kaeidyn. He considers her to be a “snitch” and Kaeidyn has moved on and seems entirely un-phased by it. She has blocked the girl on Hangouts and has been attempting to steer clear of any drama.

The Dads have all seemed to simmer quite a bit and we haven’t had anymore discussions regarding it. Kaeidyn spent some time not using Hangouts, simply so all the parents could come back down to earth, and has only recently started up again – so far, so good.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Raising Dads

After six years, you forget how entirely painful pregnancy is. I haven’t had a single day in over a week where I haven’t woken up beyond grumpy because my whole body is sore. The Boyfriend asks almost immediately upon waking, “How was your sleep?” and today I literally snapped at him that he “wouldn’t want to know!“.

It’s weird to feel your body expanding so slowly and yet so quickly. My hips have been feeling it the most and I’m often complaining about it. I’ve had some serious breast and nipple pain that wakes me from a dead sleep and I have never been more itchy in my entire life! Even though I’m in bed for plenty of hours, I don’t feel like I’ve been sleeping well at all and it has made for an even more bitchy and lazy me than usual.

The boys have all had more energy than we know what to do with. The weather is changing swiftly and you can tell in the kids’ attitudes and behavior. They’re also all growing, so eating like they’re constantly starving. We literally feed them dinner and the moment they clear their plates, they’re begging for a snack. It’s hard to keep up with all of them and their constant movement and noise and wants and needs.

Kaeidyn has begun dating a new boy, which has stirred up a lot more drama than ever before. I’m not sure what’s different about this boyfriend specifically, but she has been dealing with drama from her friends over it and I have been dealing with drama from Alfie over it. He has become especially uncomfortable with the idea of her dating and after finding out about this new boyfriend, he kinda flipped his lid. I spent a few hours on the phone with him last night having the first “fight” that we’ve had in years! He called it a “fight“, I didn’t think it was.

I think that both The Boyfriend and Alfie have this idea in their head that because I’m a sex-positive parent and because I’ve never said that being a teen mom was the “worst thing that ever happened to me“, that I’m somehow going to support her having sex younger and getting pregnant younger. It’s the only thing that I can think of for why they both don’t seem to trust that I’ve got any handle on Kaeidyn dating.

And when we say that she’s dating, what we really mean is that she calls this boy her “boyfriend” and they text each other sappy love memes. The most she’s ever done outside of that is held hands on a dare at lunchtime.

Both the father’s in my life seem to think that they can actually “scare off” her boyfriends and that they can punish her for dating or showing interest in boys. Multiple times Alfie said to me that I should send her to live with him so she couldn’t date. I laugh so hard at both of these thought processes. Mainly because I was a girl who was sent to her Dad’s so that I would stop seeing one specific boy and all that did was drive us closer together. I mean, it’s a story as old as Romeo & Juliet

I keep trying to tell them that we can’t control what she’s doing and any attempt to do so will blow up in our face. I keep trying to tell them that the only thing that we can do is arm her with arsenal of tools to make the best possible decisions, all we can do is steer her in the right direction and hope she continues on that way. She’s going to make mistakes and that’s part of growing up. And yeah, none of us want to see our baby girl hurt and none of us want her to live the lives we’ve had to live, but we can’t put a chastity belt on her and lock her in the closet. We wouldn’t do it to our boys, we shouldn’t do it our girls.

I’ve discovered over the last little while that it is much harder to raise father’s than it is to raise children. It’s especially hard to raise father’s of daughters. 

#TumblrFavorites - For Adults 18+

#TumblrFavorites – Winter 2015/2016

Valerie Rayne Tumbles is a not-safe-for-work adults-only Tumblr that I created probably over a year ago now. I dedicate at least one day a week to checking in on my Tumblr and over the years have found some really amazing pieces. Today, I’d love to share my #TumblrFavorites for Winter 2015/2016 with you!


#TumblrFavorites for February

See My Top 5 Tumblrs: February 2016

After an entire month off, I had so much fun coming back to Tumblr. My first night back was a three or four hour deal and I was reblogging like it was going out of style.

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/140139762091/flensburgpaar-february-28-2016

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/140139615221

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/139959075236/13sixes-good-girls-get-spanks-too

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/139958815276/black-and-white-erotic-art-bwea

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/139958664496/udhcmh-charles-e-colohan-virgin-no-more

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/139777000876

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/139711240506

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/138843004256/black-and-white-erotic-art-bwea


#TumblrFavorites for January

I was sick all of January and my Tumblr saw absolutely no updates.
Sorry 🙁


#TumblrFavorites for December

See My Top 5 Tumblrs: December 2015

December saw a huge focus on black-and-white photography – some of it erotic, some of it not – nonetheless all amazing! These were my favorite out of the huge selection of those!

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/136245770291/kyotocat-kyotocat-impressionoflight

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/136244702176/the-prussian-officer-lou-jover

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/136244452301/c-a-p-s-u-l-a-s-18

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/135703760381/my-bubbles-are-gone-bathtime-footography

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/135483591841/mau-indy

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/135483522971/mau-indy

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/134849217086/notpulpcovers-the-gay-coloring-book-1964

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/134785188181

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/134785025531/sicsen-glow-blog

http://valerieraynetumbles.tumblr.com/post/134400789491/xxxygirlsss-sexanndlove-sexual-passion


Well, there you have it!

2 months, hundreds of post and I just narrowed down 18 of my favorites!

If you like what you’ve seen here, be sure to like this post and then head over to my Tumblr, Valerie Rayne Tumbles, and follow me there to see new posts and reblogs. I’ll let you know on Twitter when I update so follow @ValerieRayne13 for that.

Which image stood out to you or was your favorite from February and/or December? Are you on Tumblr and think by this collection of images that I should definitely be following you? Leave a comment below with a link and your thoughts! 

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Last Couple Days

It’s been a good couple of days around here, even if it has felt overwhelming at times and even though I’ve been struggling with worry. The kids have all been a handful and a half, especially the boys who are not only getting on each other’s nerves but everyone else’s as well. Then, more visits to the doctor than I would like are keeping me awake at night, plus my body feels all tight and cranky, so I’m exhausted!

We went to our second prenatal appointment the other day. We were hoping to get some answers, like if I would be put on medication for high blood pressure, but instead the appointment just swung open the door to even more questions.

First, we brought all the kids in to hopefully listen to the baby’s heartbeat and the doctor tried and tried past the point of every one of the kids becoming bored and we just couldn’t get it. The Boyfriend felt uneasy about that, but that’s probably because we never had a problem getting Carter’s heartbeat – so it’s new to him. Then we discussed my blood tests, which showed that my red blood cells are large. So now we’re going for further blood tests to see if it’s a Vitamin B12 deficiency or liver disease or just pregnancy-related. And then we ended up ordering a 24-hour blood pressure monitor to get a definitive answer on that, and I pick that up in a day or two.

After about six years of not seeing a doctor to seeing one every other week… It doesn’t sit well with me! It makes me nervous and I just want it to be over and done with.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of days trying to catch up on some the online things that I’ve neglected for a long time. Tumblr kind of distracted me and I spent the majority of my time deleting, tagging and organizing my Tumblr. It’s looking pretty good and I can’t wait to hop on over there later tonight and get adding more. I’ve got a Top 5 Tumblrs to do AND the winter #TumblrFavorites is almost ready to go!

I’ve also been playing a ridiculous amount of The Sims 4. The Boyfriend tried for days on end to get me to play and I just couldn’t find the interest, even after I downloaded another Stuff Pack. Finally, after the kids bogarted it for a few days, I decided to go on. Created a new family, because I can’t seem to stick with one anymore. However, something happened and I ended up losing that because it didn’t save. So today, I spent a huge portion of the day on it.

I’ve been meaning to take screenshots or videos or something of my gameplay, but the last couple of days I’ve just really wanted to focus on playing. I feel like there’s still so much of that game that I haven’t even come close to experiencing yet. So, I’ve been taking my time to really explore and have been focusing a lot on Clubs lately. I even made my own Club for the first time today and managed to have about four gatherings, which allowed me to get quite a few Club Perks. I’m finding Clubs to be a very interesting addition to the overall gameplay.

And I’ve even gotten quite a bit of cleaning done over the last two or three days. I’ve been making The Boyfriend deal with laundry and interrupt his gaming the moment I realize the machine is done. The kids, even though they’re not listening and fighting, are being helpful when I ask them to. Today, they did an amazing job getting the living room clean as long as I could keep Carter distracted.

He has just been in a bug everyone type of mood. He wants to be best buds with Kenzie and Keirnan, but neither of them really have an interest in him or any of his interests right now. They’ve all been super-competitive lately, each trying to out-do the other. One boy will say that he was good at something and the other boys will insist that they’re better or that his good thing was simply a fluke. Carter, because he’s hating being the youngest right now, seems to be the worst and always has to have the last word.

Kenzie has been ridiculously loud lately and I can guarantee he’s not even noticing it. Today, we were all sitting in the living room and the boys were playing relatively quietly. Kenzie starts to get louder and louder and louder, when the parents turn and ask him to quiet down. This happens probably three or four times before he gets in trouble for being so loud after being asked so many times not to. Immediately he breaks down in tears because he had no idea that he was getting louder. It’s only really weird because he’ll notice when everyone else gets louder and asks them to quiet down but can’t notice himself at all.

Keirnan has been violent a lot lately and has gotten in trouble quite a few times over the last few days because he deals with every single issue with his fist. Then, when he gets caught in the act or after the fact, doesn’t matter, he’ll try to fib his way out of it. I don’t know if I’d call it an out-and-out lie because he’s been pretty afraid of getting in trouble for that again, but it’s like he’s trying to manipulate the narrative to better the chances of someone else getting in trouble – usually Carter. I tell ya, boys are hard!

Kaeidyn’s been Kaeidyn. She’s been sleeping in a lot later and we’ve even had a couple mornings where the parents were out of bed before her. That hasn’t happened in ages. She goes for her babysitting course soon and she’s incredibly excited about that and she’s spent the last little while trying to talk me into letting her throw a baby shower for me, so it’s been a lot of, “When I get babysitting license I can start saving money” and “When I get money, I’m going to buy you the cutest thing for your party” and “We could play this game and this game and eat this food and invite these people” and just on and on. I love that she’s so excited for a baby though!

Well, I think I’ve talked about everything there is to talk about. Good talk 😉

The Rantings - For Everyone

Still Strange

Why is it that The Boyfriend’s babies always cause me so much joint pain? With the three older kids, during my pregnancies, sure I was beyond sick and in the hospital almost all the time because of gallbladder pain or kidney infections or premature labor. But never once did I experience any joint pain with them whatsoever.

Get pregnant with Carter and almost immediately start having severe knee pain. It lasts the whole pregnancy and then some and my doctor becomes concerned that I’ve got arthritis. Then, the pain subsides and I have no real issues for almost five years. Then, I get pregnant this time and the joint pain is back with a vengeance.

It’s been near impossible to get a comfortable sleep for a good three or four nights now. From my hands and wrists really bugging me to that damnable knee pain. It’s absolutely terrible and by far, my least favorite part of pregnancies with The Boyfriend’s babies!

I’ve been feeling very blah lately too. Last week, I would’ve told you I was excited and nervous for pregnancy and babies. This week, I’m feeling like it’s not real and like I’m not ready for it all. I’m hella excited for the baby, I’m not excited at all for the toddler or the 5-year-old. I’m dreading those toddler years something fierce.

I keep trying to remind myself that it will be easier this time around, because our situation is so different. It will be easier because it will only be one toddler instead of a handful of them. It will be easier because there’s so many more eyes able to watch a toddler. It will be easier because I’m not nearly as stressed out by things now as I was back then. I have to keep remembering that it will be easier this time. However, it doesn’t take away from the dread I am feeling towards those years.

I still just can’t get over the fact that four pregnancies, I knew I was pregnant long before I took any tests. This pregnancy, it still doesn’t feel entirely real even though we’ve now had multiple positive tests AND we’ve even seen the baby. And yet somehow, it still doesn’t feel real. When I wake up in the morning feeling nauseous and sore and terrible, I never think to myself, “Oh, it’s because I’m pregnant!”. And what the heck is that about?!?

It’s so strange being pregnant again after so long of not being pregnant. I say it at least once a day. Everything just feels so new and different.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Introducing Baby #5

I can’t believe that I haven’t written anything in such a long time. I kept meaning to and then everything kept getting in the way of it. First was a terrible start to the New Year with a lot of arguments and upset. I spent the first three days of January in tears. Then, I ended up being sick for a few weeks and my butt was being thoroughly kicked. Then, I found out some news that I wasn’t expecting and have only now started to end my total denial.

I kept asking, the whole three weeks that I was beyond sick, “Why is no one else getting sick?“. Usually colds or flus in our house go through each member of the family like clockwork. One person get sick and then the next one and then the next one, until it’s touched each and every one of us. But no one else was getting sick, just me. I was convinced that I was dying of some horrible disease and I was terrified of going to the doctor to find out that I was dying.

A friend of mine messaged me one night, concerned that I was still sick after so long. Together, we went hunting around the internet to find out what was wrong. At the time, my symptoms included severe breast pain and constant nausea. The only things we could find that fit my symptoms were either PMS or pregnancy. After a long conversation, I finally gave in and asked The Boyfriend to bring home a pregnancy test.

I honestly did not think that I was pregnant, at all. Over the last six years, we’ve had many “scares”. And every time, I get the pregnancy test and it comes back negative and the next day, my period starts. I just assumed that that would happen again. As the lines for positive popped up before I had even finished, I began to shake and sweat. It was not what I was expecting.

Telling The Boyfriend was fun. He was sleeping and I went up immediately and woke him up. He rolled over and smiled at me like he always does and I said, “So, you ready for baby #5?” and he took a few minutes to realize that we only had four kids, so obviously that must mean she’s pregnant. A huge smile spread across his face and stayed there for easily a week. He’s been entirely excited by the whole thing.

We told all our family that same day. His Mom and Sister were first, because we knew we’d get nothing but support from them. Then, we told my Mom and her reaction was exactly what I had expected it to be. I knew that his side of the family would be happy – for him, it’s only really his second child. My family, on the other hand, thinks I should’ve gotten my tubes tied years ago. Plus, my Mom always starts out disappointed and then quickly comes around to being my biggest supporter.

We went for our first prenatal appointment. My blood pressure was pretty high, so the doctor asked if I could check my blood pressure over the next two weeks and then come back in for another appointment. We were hoping it would give some clear answer as to whether or not I should be medicated for high blood pressure at this point, but it didn’t. So, now we’re ordering a 24-hour blood pressure monitor to get a more accurate picture of what’s going on.

We also got to go for our first ultrasound. It was such a fast experience but The Boyfriend and I were ecstatic to get to see the baby and it was even more exciting to come home and show the other kids, who are all incredibly excited about having a baby in the house. Everyone but Carter is hoping that it will be a girl, because we have enough boys!

This week, we go for blood tests and then next week is our second prenatal appointment. I keep saying that it feels like doing it all for the first time – even though I’ve been pregnant four times before this. It’s interesting to see how much has changed for pregnant people in the last six years. At first, the uncertainty of it all really terrified me, but now I’m embracing it a little more and feeling a bit more comfortable.

It’s going to be so strange to have a baby around after so long of not having babies around…

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Last Week or So…

It’s been a very long and entirely unproductive week…

We had two Christmas dinners to go to this year, which were incredibly delicious. First night was a turkey night and the second night was a bacon-wrapped steak night. Both nights were amazing and hanging out with all the family was really great.

The big highlight of our week was The Boyfriend’s four days off. It went by way too fast and four days really felt like two, but I always love having him in bed with me. Although, for some reason, this whole week, every time I sleep I end up getting ridiculously hot and so our usual comfortable and cuddly sleep was more like tossing and turning and keeping each other awake.

Carter’s been so talkative since the older kids left. I’m finding the super constant talkativeness to be incredibly annoying this time around and have to keep reminding myself that he’s not trying to annoy me. He’s just sharing… Every single thing! I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk as much as he has been lately and I probably wouldn’t find it so annoying if he talked about more than just two or three things. I can’t wait for the older kids to get back so that he has other ears to talk off.

I had all these big plans to get tons of cleaning done while the kids were gone and for the most part, I’ve failed miserably. We did have two solid days of really great cleaning and it was productive, but it wasn’t the degree of cleaning I was hoping to get done. We also got another new mop, this time with steam, to see if that will do our floors better or easier or something. We still have some time before the kids get back, so I imagine it’ll all get done, at some point.

I’ve been playing a lot of video games lately. The Boyfriend was all “try out Fallout 4” and I did and ended up falling in love with it. His second day off must’ve been especially boring, because I stole the game from him when he went to get coffees and didn’t let him back on all day! Then, I’ve been checking in on The Sims 4 stuff almost every other day, although I haven’t been playing The Rayne’s at all. Just random characters or attempting to build.

I’ve been having some knee pain lately, which hasn’t happened very often in the last few weeks. It’s been pretty insistent the last two weeks and I’ve spent a bunch of time complaining. Then, on and off (although more on over the last couple of days), I’ve been having a pain in my breast. I can’t really describe the pain in either of those places, except by saying that it sucks! Thank goodness I have the world’s greatest boyfriend, who will spend hours rubbing my knees and breasts, never once complaining about all my complaining 😉

Well, that’s basically all that’s happening around here. A whole lot of nothing. We’re planning on picking the kids up in about a week, which I’m excited about and then it’ll be back into the swing of school and all that other fun stuff.

The Rantings - For Adults 18+

Our Favorite Sex Positions

When The Boyfriend and I first started dating, he was a big fan of doing every weird and crazy position you could think of. In a typical sex session, he would probably cycle through a good six or seven wildly different positions and you’d walk away from it with your mind blown a little bit by the variety.

A few months into our relationship, I got pregnant and had a lot of severe joint pain that affected the way in which I could be moved and we had to greatly modify our repertoire from a huge selection of positions to a handful. He was also incredibly fearful of hurting me and/or the baby, especially being that I’m known for complicated pregnancies, so the sex became less about variety and more about intimacy.

After my joint pain left, or at least subsided dramatically, we basically stuck with the handful of positions. I think partly because we’re both incredibly comfortable in those positions and we’ve mastered the art of mostly mutual orgasm in these positions. There are, of course, a bunch of reasons why we prefer these positions over the hundreds of others that we could select from, especially when we speak of each one individually. So, without further adieu…

Our Favorite Positions

  1. Deck Chair

    Our absolute favorite position and the one we use absolutely and by far the most is missionary with him on top. While we vary up the missionary a lot when he’s up there, in terms of precise positioning, there are some things that are almost always the same.

    He is likely to have his face buried in my neck or breasts, I’m likely to have my right hand on my clit and chances are, my legs are up around his hips. Sex in this position is often wordless and there is a lot of watching the other person going on. He looks down on me and I look up at him. Often, missionary sex for us is typically very loving and intimate, even when he’s pounding into me like a jackhammer!

  2. Spoons

    We are both normally pretty exhausted in terms of overall energy. Life very much takes every ounce of energy out of us, but we both want to have sex so badly. Sometimes, you’re just too lazy to work for sex. And so we spoon!

    Wake up sex is almost always spooning sex and again, we’ll sometimes do little things to switch up the positions. If I’m going to orgasm, I’ll often throw my leg up over him. Every once and awhile, because he loves it so much, I’ll pull my knees in tight to my chest and make myself into a tiny little ball. I’d say just a little bit more than half of the time, this position will turn into missionary.

  3. Doggystyle

    Again, we’re lazy people. When I’m on my hands and knees, its not really on my hands and knees. It’s more on my shoulders and knees, because I’m likely to have my head on my pillow and my ass in the air. Generally, this is a rougher sex position for us and is only used when he’s in the mood to be rough.

    I think there’s a lot of things we like about this position but for both of us, I think it tends to feel like kinkier sex because it is generally rougher. He’s likely to be very instructive in this position and we both get a kick out of that. My favorite thing about this one though is the ability for his hands to grab at flesh, because I just feel like that doesn’t happen enough.

  4. Cowgirl

    I’m not a huge fan of being on top. I mean, I like it a lot more now than I ever have in the past, but it’s still not my most favorite position. I feel awkward and uncoordinated for the most part when I’m on top and sometimes, I’m okay with that, but other times, I just feel it. So, it’s the least used of our favorite positions.

    However, The Boyfriend will take this one over any other any day. It is, without a doubt, his favorite position. When I’m on top, it’s almost always slow sex, in comparison to what we’re normally doing when he’s in charge. It also tends to be more sensual, more about kissing, more about hands all over one another, more about gazing into each other’s eyes. And while that sounds incredibly cheesy, it’s reality.

While we have a lot more positions that we are likely to use, these are the main ones. At least one of these positions is sure to be included in every sexperience, even when we’re trying to be experimental. So now I’m curious, what are your favorite sex positions? Would you say that it’s been different with every person you’ve been with or do you generally have a favorite position? What is your favorite thing about your favorite position? Let’s talk sex positions!!

The Rantings - For Everyone

Down Three Kids

Well, we dropped the three older kids off yesterday. The drive out to Leduc was nice and the highways were clear. The kids were all pretty tired, so they mostly dozed or sat quietly in the back. Even though we got lost in Leduc (mainly because The Boyfriend and I never trust my navigating instincts – mainly because I’ve proven I suck at it), it was a good time and the kids were all super excited to get to go to their Dad’s, or in Carter’s case, get rid of the kids.

The Boyfriend went to sleep once we got home because he had to work that night and my plan was to stay up with Carter. About an hour later, I was dozing off on the couch while Carter played games. He must’ve realized how tired I was because he sat down quietly next to me and let me nap for the next two hours and it was beautiful. Then we had my brother over and Carter had a great night hanging out with Uncle.

Today, The Boyfriend and I ended up sleeping basically the entire day away. Just couldn’t wake ourselves up for anything. Luckily, my brother stuck around and played with Carter and it was a generally great sleep. I feel a lot more rested now than I have in a while.

Honestly, I’ve been feeling all sorts of exhausted, all the time. It doesn’t help that I’m not eating properly, not getting out of the house enough, basically not taking very good care of myself AND that my sleep schedule has shifted from normal to graveyard. I’ve been finding it very hard to fall asleep any earlier than six in the morning, even when I head up to bed hours earlier. And while this is the most routine sleep schedule that I’ve been on in years, I can just feel it kicking my ass.

Once I’m awake, I just don’t want to do anything, at all. Motivating myself to do any of the things that I’m supposed to be doing is incredibly difficult right now. All I want to do is wrap myself up in warmth and veg. And I spend all of that time that I’m vegging, beating myself up for not doing all the things that I’m supposed to be doing. Of course, instead of just getting up off my ass and doing those things, I just sit there down-talking myself and my actions. It’s unproductive and adds to the exhausted feeling.

In other, less depressing news, we’ve got big plans to get the house cleaned while we’re down three kids. I’ve already decided that we’re taking a portion of our gift cards to get ourselves a device that will make our floors easier to clean. We’ve been using mops but we haven’t been able to find one that works good enough. So, I want to look for other options for getting these floors clean. I’m also hoping that we’ll finally take all the broken or unused pieces of furniture to the dump, because it’s been on my to-do list all year and it’s absolutely time. We can’t start replacing all the crap stuff until we get rid of it!

I’m not sure how long the kids are going to be gone at this point. I like to play it by ear instead of setting a specific date. Sometimes, I end up missing the kids a lot and want them back sooner. Sometimes, plans get made and it’s easier to have them stay longer. Sometimes, their Dad needs to send them home earlier or wants to keep them an extra couple days. Sometimes, the weather is bad. So, we play it by ear. I know it’s going to be at least a week and The Boyfriend has a couple of those days off, so we should be able to go all of my cleaning to-do list done and I’m quite excited about it.

But for today, he has one night off and for him, that means it’s a gaming night. I’m glad to have him distracted right now because for the last couple of nights, all he’s wanted to do is talk about is Star Wars. While I have great respect for Star Wars and would consider myself a fan, I’m nowhere near obsessed as he is and it is incredibly exhausting to “fake” interest. And I put “fake” in quotations because it’s not that I’m faking, it’s that I’m not nearly as interested as he is.

For example, I don’t care enough to watch every trailer before the release of the movie. I figure, I’ll see the movie when it comes out. I don’t care to pick apart those trailers to try to figure out the movie before it’s released. I figure, I’ll see the movie when it comes out and figure it out at that point (and all the times that I watch it after that first time…). However, that stuff is exciting for him and important to his experience. So, I pay attention to what he’s telling me so that I can ask him questions about those interests, “faking” this extreme interest, because it’s important for him to be able to share that experience with me. It’s one of my favorite parts of being me in a relationship, but I sure do love getting a break!

Now I just have to figure out what I’m going to do while he’s gaming it up 😉