The Rantings - For Everyone

I Know That It Won’t Last Long

You know it’s been a long time since you last blogged, when your kids start asking, “Mom, why aren’t you working on your blog?!?“.

The biggest reason: I’ve been sick and the baby’s been sick. I spent almost two weeks just feeling right out of sorts, and then the baby is teething and I think had a bit of an ear infection. We’re both on the mend now, but man, were those some rough days. The other kids haven’t gotten sick yet, but they were all saying they could feel it coming today – especially after the last two days of very cold rain.

In my time of sickness, not only did I sleep a lot, I also watched a lot of Netflix, completely curled up on the couch. Documentaries like you wouldn’t believe, which results in me just needing to know everything I can about any given topic – it’s been a little ridiculous. I’ve been a wealth of historical knowledge over the past few days!

I think I’ve also been trying to get used to all the new routines around here and it’s just throwing me off my game. Specifically, now that The Boyfriend’s on these evening shifts, he comes home for lunch. Which means, it’s really nice for me to have dinner on the table when he gets home (I don’t have to, it’s just nice). The whole kids coming home from school (and the anxiety and stress that that always seems to bring me) to having to get dinner ready earlier, has been such a huge adjustment. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to this place where it doesn’t feel like the most overwhelming part of my life!

However, having The Boyfriend around so much while I’m awake – that is a hugely welcome change. Even if all we do is sit and do nothing, it’s nice to have him there. It’s really been great to get to sleep with him at night. I still haven’t fully gotten used to him coming off nights, and so often forget that he’s going to be in bed with me. More than once, he’s looked at me in utter confusion as I talk about wishing he’d be there to keep me warm. He does have a week of upcoming graveyard shifts, which I’m dreading entirely, but it’ll be the last one. Maybe then I’ll get it through my head ūüėČ

The kids have all been doing so wonderful, I’m actually a little surprised. From helping to take care of me and Cazz when we were sick, to be totally understanding about our lack of finances right now, to helping out around the house and even enjoying the heck out of school. The most we’ve had to deal with is Kenzie having minor meltdowns shortly after getting home from school (which I know are a result of him waking up too early in the morning) and Keirnan not being capable of using his brain (which I know is the age that he’s at, because Kenzie and Kaeidyn both went through the same thing – where they just suddenly¬†don’t have common sense for a little bit. You tell them, “Put the dishes away” and they literally need step-by-step instructions to get through a draining rack!!! I blame it on horomones!). Otherwise, it’s been pretty amazing!

I know that it won’t last long…
Kaeidyn is quickly coming up on her 13th birthday. I can remember 13 so well.
I know that it won’t last long…
Kenzie’s in middle school now, it’s his first year. That’s always so rough.
I know that it won’t last long…
Keirnan’s the oldest in the school now. He gets to be big brother.
I know that it won’t last long…
Carter’s gonna really start feeling the pressure of school this year.
I know that it won’t last long…
Cazzwell’s going to start walking any day now. And getting into everything!
I know that it won’t last long…

The Rantings - For Everyone

#ThrowbackThursday on Facebook – Recap #5

On December 1st, 2016, I began taking a walk down memory lane. I became a #NostalgiaJunkie.

In preparation for re-launching ValerieRayne.com, I thought it was important to look over all of what I’ve done over the years to see what worked and what didn’t and where I wanted things to go. Sometimes it’s good to look back to move forward.

So, I began collecting up all these memories on Facebook for #ThrowbackThursday.

I thought it would be fun to keep a running recap of them, since it can be a bit of a pain to find them all on Facebook (if you know an easy way, then let me know in the comments!). Here’s 7 memories and the next 7 will be coming soon!


Posted on Thurs. Jun. 15th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Jun. 29th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Jul. 6th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Jul. 13th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Jul. 20th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Jul. 27th, 2017:


Well, there you have it. A handy little recap of all my #ThrowbackThursday posts on Facebook.

If you haven’t liked my page yet, I’d love for you to give it a thumbs up and say “hi“. Do you do #ThrowbackThursday on any social networks? Share your experience with me in the comments below and if you liked this post, please share it or click the Like button below!

The Rantings - For Everyone

Birthdays & Back-To-School

This is probably the first summer ever that I have not been totally overwhelmed by the kids. That was, until this morning…

Most summers, by this point, I’m almost literally pulling my hair out in frustration. Normally, I’m yelling all the time because it feels like no one is listening. Typically, I can’t wait for school to start back up just to get a break from them. But this summer hasn’t really felt like that.

They’ve all been so great this summer. I mean, they’ve been kids – so it’s been a handful and a half. There’s also a baby, been a handful and a half. But, they’ve all been helpful, they’ve all been well-behaved and relatively well-mannered. They’ve still been themselves, attitudes and all, but I haven’t felt utterly overwhelmed by them.

However, I woke up today and I’ve just been in this mood. This place, this state-of-mind, and I just suddenly feel entirely consumed by motherhood.

It’s back-to-school. It’s gotta be. It starts tomorrow and I feel like we’ve never been less prepared. Again, I know in my rational brain that we are this unprepared almost every year. Kaeidyn pointed out to me yesterday that this year is no different from last in terms of unpreparedness. But, it hit me like a ton of bricks today immediately upon waking.

I woke up just irritated and annoyed and I can’t seem to shake the feeling. Every time one of the kids makes a sound, I’m having to take a deep breath not to snap at them. Kenzie talks back and I immediately feel personally attacked – like he’s trying to pick a fight with me. And it has nothing to do with them at all and everything to do with me…

I hate when I feel like a total failure as a parent, as a Mom. It’s this time of year, I swear.

Four out of five of the kids have birthdays all one right after another – all at a time when we can’t do anything special for anyone’s birthdays because we’ve just spent every extra penny on school supplies. Which we haven’t even done yet because of the way paydays worked this year. Yet another thing that just stacks against me. It’s not the first time it’s happened – it happens more often than I’d like to admit – and we always figure it out and roll with it and make it work. But it just feels like crap.

My baby also turns one tomorrow…

I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about that. Every time anyone mentions it, I just groan loudly. How did it go by so fast?!? I mean, I remember it going fast with all the other kids, but not this fast. It doesn’t feel like he’s been around for that long. And don’t even get me started on how much I hate the ages we’re getting close to.

I’ve gone through toddlerhood four times now and hated every single moment of it, every single time. I can say pretty confidently that I despise toddlerhood. Teenagehood is being hard, but toddlerhood was harder. Toddlerhood is physically, mentally, emotionally hard. Other age stages are one or two of those things – physically and mentally hard or mentally and emotionally hard – but toddlerhood packs it all into one punch. One punch that lasts a number of years!

I hate that I’m feeling it all the day before back-to-school. It was supposed to hit a week ago so that I could deal and process before the ultimate stress began. But having it hit all at once like this, and not having the excuse of “I’m in the hospital in labor” like last year, is just making my day a crappy day.

Is it bedtime yet?!?

The Rantings - For Everyone

#ThrowbackThursday on Facebook – Recap #4

On December 1st, 2016, I began taking a walk down memory lane. I became a #NostalgiaJunkie.

In preparation for re-launching ValerieRayne.com, I thought it was important to look over all of what I’ve done over the years to see what worked and what didn’t and where I wanted things to go. Sometimes it’s good to look back to move forward.

So, I began collecting up all these memories on Facebook for #ThrowbackThursday.

I thought it would be fun to keep a running recap of them, since it can be a bit of a pain to find them all on Facebook (if you know an easy way, then let me know in the comments!). Here’s 7 memories and the next 7 will be coming soon!


Posted on Thurs. Apr. 27th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. May. 11th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. May. 18th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. May. 25th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Jun. 1st, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Jun. 8th, 2017:


Well, there you have it. A handy little recap of all my #ThrowbackThursday posts on Facebook.

If you haven’t liked my page yet, I’d love for you to give it a thumbs up and say “hi“. Do you do #ThrowbackThursday on any social networks? Share your experience with me in the comments below and if you liked this post, please share it or click the Like button below!

The Rantings - For Everyone

Waiting for Sunday

These last few days have seemed incredibly long.

It’s probably because The Boyfriend has had me up out of bed before 8 AM, and then the day doesn’t end for me until after midnight. That’s a long ass day! I’ve also been able to get a lot done in those hours and still have hours left over to just sit and do nothing, so that is adding to the long feeling.

The older kids come home this Sunday, and save for the fact that I already know they’ve got back-to-school on their brains, I’m really excited about them finally being home. We hadn’t planned for them to be out there this long this time around, but it just worked out that way, and I started missing them awhile back. So this last little bit has just been impatiently waiting for their return.

It’s just been Cazzwell and Carter at home for the last little while. You’d think it would be easier, but my almost year old baby is a huge handful. Honestly, it’s easier with all the kids home because they can help keep him entertained. Carter only has so much patience for a baby before he’s like, “Well, you’re boring!“. And he is starting to move a lot, like hard to catch, move a lot. I feel like I spend my days right now chasing him around and telling him “No“, over and over again. He’s also been screwing with his sleep schedule, so that’s been a terrible way to end my days, because he normally ends on a grumpy note.

After tonight, The Boyfriend has another two days off. I always love when his holidays work out in such a way where his first week back at work is mostly days off. I think it’s been something like 2 days on, 2 days off, 2 days on, 2 days off – something like that. On the one hand, it sucks because he spends almost all of those days tuckered from giving up sleep here and replacing it there and screwing with his sleep schedule (maybe that’s where the baby gets it from…), but on the other hand, it’s great because it feels like he’s around a lot more.

So we’ve made plans for Sunday to go for a drive. In his hunts for places to go he’s come across Ram River Falls and his Mom has basically mapped out a cool road for us to check out, so it sounds like we’re going to be trying that out. And tomorrow, we’ve got big cleaning plans so that I can have the back of our van back – which hasn’t really been gone through since we got it back from when it was stolen. I imagine tomorrow is going to be long and stressful and then the next day, adventurous and awesome!

Honestly, just writing it all out has made me ready for bed…

The Rantings - For Everyone

#ThrowbackThursday on Facebook – Recap #3

On December 1st, 2016, I began taking a walk down memory lane. I became a #NostalgiaJunkie.

In preparation for re-launching ValerieRayne.com, I thought it was important to look over all of what I’ve done over the years to see what worked and what didn’t and where I wanted things to go. Sometimes it’s good to look back to move forward.

So, I began collecting up all these memories on Facebook for #ThrowbackThursday.

I thought it would be fun to keep a running recap of them, since it can be a bit of a pain to find them all on Facebook (if you know an easy way, then let me know in the comments!). Here’s 7 memories and the next 7 will be coming soon!


Posted on Thurs. Mar. 9th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Mar. 23rd, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Mar. 30th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Apr. 6th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Apr. 13th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Apr. 20th, 2017:


Well, there you have it. A handy little recap of all my #ThrowbackThursday posts on Facebook.

If you haven’t liked my page yet, I’d love for you to give it a thumbs up and say “hi“. Do you do #ThrowbackThursday on any social networks? Share your experience with me in the comments below and if you liked this post, please share it or click the Like button below!

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Holidays Are Over

The Boyfriend officially went back to work last night after a week long holiday.

We dropped the kids off at Alfie’s a few days before he started holidays. It was such a good drive out there and the kids absolutely loved having all the room in the truck. The drive home was long and boring and it felt so good to finally be home.

It seemed like almost as soon as we dropped the kids off, our days got really busy. We’d wake up to messages or phonecalls early in the morning and then be gone from the house all day. For almost an entire week straight, we did stuff almost every single day.

We spent one day at Gull Lake, which ended up not being as fun as we were hoping it would be, but also ended up being an absolutely great time. The plan was to go out on this big inflatable island that everyone’s been obsessing about. But everyone ended up being more interested on sitting on the beach or playing in the water. It was quite a gross muggy day and it was really smoky from all the fires out in BC, so I mostly laid in the sun.

Then, we did another Drumheller trip so that The Boyfriend’s Dad could see it. We even got to go see the hoodoos – which were exciting but again, not like what I had built it up in my head to be. It was ridiculously hot when we went and everyone else seemed to have way more energy than me. At one point, the whole family was up climbing on these rocky hills, where everyone was climbing, and I was just standing on the little platform watching them. The museum was pretty much the same, except this time we only had two kids to pay attention to, so we were actually able to read some of the signage and such. By the end of that day, I was very sore! Lots and lots and lots of walking – and unlike last time, I wore my flip flops this time, which is not a good idea when you’re going on an adventure…

We also did another Crescent Falls trip. Normally the drive into the falls really scares me – it’s pretty steep and the road is gravel and it gets really narrow and curves. You even have to drive through water at one point. We’ve been there so many times now though that I took the drive into the falls like it was nothing.

The Boyfriend and Carter went on a 3-hour long hike to get to “the other falls” – although again, I think everyone was expecting it to be way more exciting than it was, so came back a little defeated. I hung out on the rocks by the river with Cazzwell for all that time. Thankfully, my mom-in-law is a genius and somehow manages to create something out of nothing, and we weren’t sitting in the sun all day, because it was an incredibly hot day. It cooled off fast in the evening, but during the day, sweltering!

We also went out for an adults-only dinner – which was super nice. The Boyfriend got dressed up in his vest and had recently picked me out a pair of heels, so I even got dressed up to go – wore a dress and heels in public for the first time in a really long time, like stupid long time! It was nice to feel fancy, even if we looked totally out of place among all the other dinner-goers.

It’s been so nice being down the three kids just for the sake of cleaning. Cazzwell is officially at the age where he’s getting into everything. He’s figured out how to climb the stairs, he crawls off the couch and he moves really fast. Plus, everything (and I mean, everything!) goes into his mouth. He pulls things off shelves to put in his mouth, he squeezes underneath of things to find something to put in his mouth. And his toys (which he barely has any of), end up absolutely everywhere. How did it get it in the bathroom? I don’t know, he’s never even been in there. But somehow, his toy is…

Dishes has been the greatest break. Doing one load of dishes a day and being completely done them is so much better than doing three loads of dishes a day and still having some left (that you forgot on the stove…). So much nicer when a plastic container meant for leftovers isn’t used as a bowl for cereal or when a fork is used as a fork instead of replacing a spoon that people were too lazy to wash. It always drives me nuts that over the years I’ve collected about 14 – 16 plates, and a family of 6 should theoretically need no more than 6 of those a day – and yet, at the end of the day when they’re all home, my sink is filled with 14 – 16 plates… It’s so much nicer to just have to wash a couple of those a day than all of them.

I’m definitely looking forward to the kids coming home. I started missing them really fast this time and especially with us going out so much and doing things so much. I always feel bad when they miss out on these big family adventures – even though, a) they’re having their own family adventures up there and b) they’re normally not that interested in our big family adventures. But I still hate when they miss it! I don’t even know right now when they will be coming home – a bunch of dates have been thrown out. Basically, once their family reunion is over.

However, I’m also not looking forward to the kids coming home because once they do, it’s almost immediately time to start getting ready for school. Have I ever told you how much I absolutely hate back-to-school? It’s probably my most hated time of year, because it is just so mind-numbingly stressful. It’s scream-into-your-pillow kinda stressful, cry-yourself-to-sleep kinda stressful, hate-the-world kinda stressful. This year has the added stress of another kid entering middle school. I’m just not looking forward to all that stress!

This post is from The List and is for everyone.

#WishListed: Listography

As you are probably well aware (since you are reading from The List), I really enjoy lists.

I enjoy making lists and do so for a lot of different things. My Google Drive folders are full of just lists. I use them to keep track of things and ideas, I use them to organize my life and thoughts and I often like to break big concepts down into really tiny detailed lists.

So, it will come as no surprise to you that I fell in love with these the moment I saw them. I desperately want these!!! My immediate thought when I saw them was that they would probably inspire a lot of blog posts. Some of the titles for the some of the lists really caught my attention and I could absolutely see myself turning to these again and again.

Without further adieu, check out these Listography books, which are now officially #WishListed!


Listography Journal: Your Life in Lists

Listography: Your Life in Lists
Listography: Your Life in Lists

Why I Want It:

With lists like “greatest accomplishments, memorable co-workers, places you’ve lived, guilty pleasures, and greatest acts of kindness“, Your Life in Lists sounds like a great way to take a walk down memory lane – which we all know I’m obsessed with! #NostalgiaJunkie


My Future Listography: All I Want To Do in Lists

My Future Listography
My Future Listography

Why I Want It:

Encouraging users to envision future goals and aspirations” list topics “range from the practical (places to visit, habits to break, good deeds to perform) to the more thoughtful (what you hope people say at your funeral, experiences you would love to have again).”. It’s essentially The List in paperback!


Love Listography: Your Love Life in Lists

Why I Want It:

The blurb says there are “topics ranging from sweet (favorite love songs, best dates) to cringe-worthy (relationship pet-peeves, worst break-ups) to downright naughty.” I’m curious about the downright naughty!!!


Music, Literary and Film Listographies

Why I Want It:

Music – “Loaded with music-inspired list topics ranging from traditional (top 20 favorite albums) to eclectic (songs you thought were about you) to experimental (concerts you wish you could time travel back to), this journal gives music lovers a backstage pass to hours of list-making fun” – sells itself!

Literary – List topics range “from the quintessential (books that made me cry, special book stores) to the lovably idiosyncratic (fictional crimes I’ve witnessed, favorite reading spots)“, this one would be fun for tracking my reading experiences.

Film – Topics ranging “from the classic (favorite films of all time, favorite actors) to the lovably idiosyncratic (top so-bad-it’s-good movies, scenes that made you cringe, characters you are most like)” are likely to make me delve deeper into my film experiences.


Spirit Listography: My Inner Self in Lists

Spirit Listography: My Inner Self in Lists
Spirit Listography: My Inner Self in Lists

Why I Want It:

Spirit Listography¬†serves as a unique memoir and bucket list for those interested in self-reflection and mindful action (appropriate¬†for all spiritual practices).” Some lists include things I’m grateful for and favorite things to smell.


Parenthood Listography: My Kid in Lists

Parenthood Listography: My Kid in Lists
Parenthood Listography: My Kid in Lists

Why I Want It:

It would not be okay for me to get just one of these books. I’d need at least 5 of them for each of the kids.

And then I could keep memories of them in neat lists, like “things your kid should know about their parents, your child’s favorite songs and imaginary tales they told” or “A List of Personality Traits I Aspire To Have As a Parent, A List of Things You Destroyed, List of Your Talents, List of Funny Things You Said, Places I Hope To Take You Someday“. So many great parenting-related lists!!!


There are other books in the Listography series, including a travel journal and lists for foodies. There’s even a boardgame that you can play with friends!!! However, these were the ones that really set my heart on fire and I could see myself using regularly.

Which one(s) would you want the most? Are you a lover of lists? Do you have any of these? Do you love them?

The Rantings - For Everyone

#ThrowbackThursday on Facebook – Recap #2

On December 1st, 2016, I began taking a walk down memory lane. I became a #NostalgiaJunkie.

In preparation for re-launching ValerieRayne.com, I thought it was important to look over all of what I’ve done over the years to see what worked and what didn’t and where I wanted things to go. Sometimes it’s good to look back to move forward.

So, I began collecting up all these memories on Facebook for #ThrowbackThursday.

I thought it would be fun to keep a running recap of them, since it can be a bit of a pain to find them all on Facebook (if you know an easy way, then let me know in the comments!). Here’s 7 memories I and the next 7 will be coming soon!


Posted on Thurs. Jan. 19th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Feb. 2nd, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Feb. 9th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Feb. 16th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Feb. 23rd, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Mar. 2nd, 2017:


Well, there you have it. A handy little recap of all my #ThrowbackThursday posts on Facebook.

If you haven’t liked my page yet, I’d love for you to give it a thumbs up and say “hi“. Do you do #ThrowbackThursday on any social networks? Share your experience with me in the comments below and if you liked this post, please share it or click the Like button below!

The Rantings - For Everyone

We Got “Our Baby” Back

It’s been a few weeks since our van was stolen. After a week, they found her but she needed to get a few repairs. They also completely cleaned her for us. And today, we officially took back possession of our van. I have felt amazing all day!

I had no problem falling out of love with the truck after pressing down on the brake pedal of “our baby” again. I immediately remembered all the reasons I loved her and how much I had missed her and “screw that truck!”. Thank goodness too, because I thought I’d always be wishing for that beautiful driving experience, but nope!

Then, went down to Heritage Ranch and looked at the horses and let Cazzwell crawl around in the grass. It was such a beautiful day – just the right kind of hot as long as there was shade about, clear blue skies that went on forever and this most splendidly gentle breeze. It was hard to go back inside, but glad that I did because the house was so cool!!!

The Boyfriend had mentioned that he had heard rumors that The Sims 4 was coming to console. Upon returning from our visit with the horses, I got word straight from the horses mouth that yes, The Sims 4 is coming to console. And had a little mini game-gasm. YAY!!!

Now the plan for the rest of the night is to clean my living room, write a few blog posts (since I’ve got a few things on my mind), and then I think I’m going to work on The Mermaid. And then, I’m going to veg and try to finish Switched at Birth before going to bed. Sounds like a great way to cap off a great day!

The Rantings - For Everyone

So Excited!!!

Before we get started: Did you notice the change?!? 

If you’ve been here before, you’ll notice that the theme has been updated! I was starting to become bored with the old one and just wasn’t finding inspiration in it. So, after saving this one over a month ago as an option, I finally just took the plunge and did it! Glad I did too, because I realized that there’s some things I need to work on updating – so that’s mostly what I’ve been up to and you’ll probably notice little changes over the coming days.

But now, onto the reason for this post…


I’m so excited!!! Like giddy and restless kind of excited. It’s kinda exciting ūüėČ

I’m excited for a lot of reasons. First and foremost, 3 out of 5 of the kids are going away for a couple weeks. I’m super excited about it because 4 boys is a lot of work – like, a lot of work. They have a lot of energy and they all like being near each other, but can’t stand each other, so it’s been a lot of playfighting and arguing and “It wasn’t me, It was him“‘s. My brain and body could definitely use the break!

Part of the major excitement surrounding getting rid of the kids is getting to drive them out to their Dad’s. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away, so to drop them off is an almost 5 hour trip. Most of the time we try to work out dropping them off halfway. But, The Boyfriend and I have been desperate to take a long highway trip in the rental truck that we got after the van was stolen.

We hate that we love this thing so much. When we got our van, it was my dream vehicle. He wanted something sportier, but partially practicality and partially because he likes to make dreams come true, we got the van. And she’s “our baby” and we love her. But… this truck is pretty darn incredible.

I hate that I like a truck. I am not a truck person. However, driving this thing is amazing! I’m in love with the digital speedometer (something I never thought I’d enjoy, but really use a lot through school zones – as I have a tendency to go too slow through them), there is a row of three seats in the front (which I really love for the kids and because I’ve always dreamed of sitting cuddled up next to my lover on long drives), and the thing drives beautifully. Responsive, fast, powerful.

Then, The Boyfriend has two nights off. Works two nights and then begins his week-long holiday. I am so excited! To the point where it’s the only thing we have talked about for days. Every time I ask him to, “Tell me something interesting“, his first response is, “Almost holidays!!!“. And we’ll be down 3 kids for his holidays! Did I tell you yet, I’m totally super excited!!!

We don’t really have any plans for the holiday. He really wants to do camping again, just me and him and the kids that will be here – Carter’s really wanting to go again too. I’ve told him I’m definitely down, but who knows if we’ll get up that kind of energy. He also really wants to go for a drive to the mountains and has spent a huge majority of his time looking at maps to see what catches his interest. His Dad is also in town for part of his holidays, so there will be lots of family time ahead of us.

I imagine that it won’t be much of a relaxing week, but it’ll be great to have him around and especially in my bed every night!

The Gallery - For Everyone

I Wanna Grow Old With You

Unbeknownst to The Boyfriend, I recorded this cover of Adam Sandler’s “Grow Old With You” from the 1998 movie, The Wedding Singer. Then, on our 9-year anniversary, uploaded it to Facebook (so that he would see it!). And the lyrics are so true for us!!!

I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I’ll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you’ve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

The Rantings - For Everyone

Wanted for a Decade

NOTE: This post was written over a month ago. The “crap that we’re going through” has not really been an issue for awhile now and I’m still working on reading through both these books. But, this post deals with other posts that I plan on publishing, so I’m publishing it!


I have had these two books #WishListed for over a decade!!!

The average bookstore in the towns I’ve lived don’t offer these kinds of books. I don’t travel and until recently we didn’t order things off the internet. However, now we do order things off the internet and now, I hold in my hands a copy of Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt’s “When Someone You Love Is Kinky” and Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy’s “The Ethical Slut“.

It’s a little weird that I got these books at this exact time in my life. Feels a little profound and cathartic.

I’ve alluded to the “crap that we’re going through” and in it all, he is convinced that this whole thing is spurred by my desire to be polyamorous and kinky – and his inability to give me these things. I keep saying that that’s not where it was all coming from, but when it’s pointed out to me, it’s like… “Hmmm… Maybe it was…” (I’m still attempting to write about this whole “crap that we’re going through”, so please be patient with me…).

For a really long time, I have been utterly complacent about my authentic sexuality.

I literally went through an entire process of neglecting it. I went from having a clear definition of what my sexuality was and what I wanted, to ignoring and restraining any urges or desires that came my way that The Boyfriend might deem “freaky”. To calling myself a “Wannabe Kinkster” and changing all of my sexual identifiers to “Unsure“. And yes, it was because of him…!

It was because of this beautiful life, this beautiful relationship that we have together, this beautiful love.¬†It’s always been like this for us. From the first time that whoever grabbed the other’s hand (we never can remember…), it just felt comfortable and natural and right. The whole broken world fell into place.

He was/is vanilla. And I understood/stand that my kinks are not his kinks – and for the most part, I am okay with that. Sure, I struggle. I struggle a lot sometimes. Less now than I used to, but it’s always looming there that I am not being authentic, that the sex we are having is not the sex I want to be having.

Don’t get me wrong. Our sex is incredible. Our sex is out-of-this world amazing. Our sex is mind-boggling. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. It keeps getting better and better with each passing year and as our relationship deepens. If I were vanilla, I would want for nothing!

But… Alas… I am not vanilla.

It feels weird to get these books in the midst of the “crap we’re going through“, because it feels like yet another loaded move on my part. I can just imagine how The Boyfriend is feeling right now. Like he will never be good enough, like I’m always looking for a kinky guy to come and kidnap me and take me away from him, like I’m unfaithful, disloyal, untrustworthy, a heartbreaker. And getting books about all the things that he’s afraid of must be weighing, to some degree, so heavily on him.

The Rantings - For Everyone

#ThrowbackThursday on Facebook – Recap #1

On December 1st, 2016, I began taking a walk down memory lane. I became a #NostalgiaJunkie.

In preparation for re-launching ValerieRayne.com, I thought it was important to look over all of what I’ve done over the years to see what worked and what didn’t and where I wanted things to go. Sometimes it’s good to look back to move forward.

So, I began collecting up all these memories on Facebook for #ThrowbackThursday.

I thought it would be fun to keep a running recap of them, since it can be a bit of a pain to find them all on Facebook (if you know an easy way, then let me know in the comments!). Here’s the first 7 memories I ever posted and the next 7 will be coming soon!


Posted on Thurs. Dec. 1st, 2016:


Posted on Thurs. Dec. 15th, 2016:


Posted on Thurs. Dec. 22nd, 2016:


Posted on Thurs. Dec. 29th, 2016:


Posted on Thurs. Jan. 5th, 2017:


Posted on Thurs. Jan. 12th, 2017:


Well, there you have it. A handy little recap of all my #ThrowbackThursday posts on Facebook.

If you haven’t liked my page yet, I’d love for you to give it a thumbs up and say “hi“. Do you do #ThrowbackThursday on any social networks? Share your experience with me in the comments below and if you liked this post, please share it or click the Like button below!

The Rantings - For Everyone

One Hell of a Week

Let me just start by telling you, this has been one hell of a week…

We’ll start with camping. The drive out there seemed to take forever and I was absolutely shocked at how well The Boyfriend did considering he had worked the night before and hadn’t gotten any sleep yet. It took us longer than we had hoped to get out of town, but we kinda figured that would happen. The older three kids ended up staying at friends’ houses, so we only had to take the younger two boys with us – which meant that our van had tons of room for all the stuff.

The drive into Crescent Falls, down a windy gravel road that looked as if it was tearing away at the edges, had both Carter and I gripping onto our seats and he was frantically telling Daddy that he didn’t like “this“. It took us a bit to find where the family had begun setting up the campsite and both Carter and I felt great relief when the van finally came to a stop.

It took awhile to get everything all set up – we had two tents to get assembled, air mattresses and an inflatable pool (which made the most awesome playpen for Cazzwell) and getting the fire going while we were all distracted by the beautiful spot we had picked out – it was a few hours before we finally got to set out our camping chairs and sit around the fire, ready to eat the corn on the cob and hamburgers we had to cook in creative ways since a few bags had been left behind.

The night seemed to go on forever. We stayed up into the wee hours of the night, until the sky was finally dark and there wasn’t a space in it without stars. I gripped onto The Boyfriend tightly and breathed through the fear. He said, “When you’re ready to go to the tent, just let me know” and I responded, “You will not hear me say I am ready to go to the tent, so you just let me know!“.

I was most surprised at how easily I fell asleep. The water was incredibly loud and you could hear all sorts of bugs and creatures making chirping noises. It was also freezing cold – I was wearing two sweaters, two pairs of pants, and slept with two blankets on and was still cold. But tucked in between The Boyfriend and Carter on one side and Cazzwell on the other, their rhythmic breathing and combined heat – not to mention the little solar light that was placed outside our tent flashing in a way that reminded me of an alarm clock – I ended up falling asleep within no time. I woke up a couple times during the night, but didn’t have any problems falling back asleep.

The morning was probably my favorite time. The Boyfriend got up with the kids and let me stay sleeping in the tent, as the sun rose and the fire was started and everyone began waking up. By the time he came to wake me up for breakfast, I felt utterly refreshed and was absolutely surprised that I walked out of the tent with a smile on my face!

It wasn’t long before we were packing up to head home. The whole thing just whizzed by us. We had hardly had a chance to really enjoy anything and The Boyfriend was incredibly upset that we hadn’t gotten to go out and explore once. Packing up the camp was super easy and we were all really excited to be back on the road. I even got to drive a huge part of the way back home and everyone in the car fell asleep – which made me feel like a great driver. We got home, we were exhausted!!!

We unpacked what needed to be unpacked from the van right away, left the rest and went to bed. Sleep came so easily for all of us and it was a deep sleep. The kids had school the next morning and The Boyfriend woke up to get everyone out the door. He looks out the back window and realizes the van isn’t there. Ensue panic…

I get woken up and after he’s already called the cops to report the van missing, I realize that my laptop isn’t where I left it. Nor is my phone. And then I remember that my brand new camera, that we had just bought for camping, was plugged into the laptop and is also nowhere to be found. The cops get called again for an update and then insurance and car rental place and just ugh…

Honestly, I’ve never been so glad that absolutely all of that stuff is entirely in The Boyfriend’s name, because he had to make all the phone calls and deal with all the people. We had insurance come over to take statements from both of us and that has been a bit of gong show, but for the most part, I’ve just had to sit back and see what happens. However, the poor Boyfriend…

They found our van after a week of it being missing. From what we know so far, everything that was in it when it went missing is still in it. Now it’s spending time getting fixed up and re-keyed (which is surprisingly expensive and thankfully, since they came into our house and took the key, is likely covered by insurance), but it’ll probably be at least a week before we get it back.

It took me a few nights to sleep at home afterwards, since it was clear that they had come inside the house. Then it took me even longer to finally start sleeping up in my room again. However, I’m still having a hard time sleeping at night and get my best sleep in the morning, once every one is awake.

To make this last week more stressful, school is out now…

The Rantings - For Everyone

When She Talks About Dying…

It doesn’t hit me until two days later
When we’re driving around
And I realize that that joke she told
Or that plan she made
Was actually a morbid admission
Of her pending death
And her unbearable pain
And the overwhelming burden
That she feels like she is
Because she is dying
As we all do
But she’s been given a death sentence
And is sick and tired of playing positive
And is shoving the reality down our throats
So that we will be prepared
“When my time comes!”
Which was supposed to happen a week ago
But it didn’t and now she’s on
“Borrowed time” and is “past her expiry date”
So she jokes a little harder
Plans a little more impulsively
Checking the items of the doomsday list
And you don’t want to miss a moment
Of the rest of her life
Even though it shatters your heart
Two days later as you’re driving around
When she talks about dying

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Anxiety from the Idea of Camping

When I was a kid, I had a few camping experiences that turned me off of camping altogether.

There was an earwig in the tent the first time I ever slept in one. Someone told the kids they crawled into your ears. I hated tents. The first time I went camping, for real camping, was the first time I ever spent a huge chunk of time away from my parents – in another province across the country with a bunch of strangers, half of whom spoke French, a language that is still utterly foreign to me.

We had to canoe to the tiny island we were sleeping on. I had burnt my finger on a woodburner and was terribly miserable. Plus, I was in a cabin with a bunch of girls who basically hated my guts, so sleeping in the tent full of them, scared of the possibility of earwigs, sucked!!! Then, I had to pee desperately, but someone had said that there were Sasquatch on this island and I swore I saw one (chances are, ¬†it was just another camper going pee…), so I stayed in my tent until the sun came up holding my pee in, crying, while everyone else slept soundly. I woke up the next morning to really bad sunburn on my nose…

My next and last camping experience really put the nail in the coffin.

I’d been at the same school for about three years (the longest I ever stayed at one school) and had been the butt of some pretty harsh bullying. I remember being called “bra-lady” because someone had seen my sports bra in gym class. I remember a lot of getting picked on because of how skinny I was – lots of “do you ever eat?” and “she must throw it all up afterwards” and “I can see your bones! It’s gross!“. And the girls were especially mean to me, not entirely sure why. So, the idea of spending 3 days on a mountaintop with these people was already unappealing.

We arrived and had to take a rickety carriage ride up the side of a steep mountain pulled by two huge and terrifying Clydesdales. They made me, and me alone, sit up front with the old man who laughed when I squeaked as the seat rattled beneath me. We had to walk the remainder of the way up this mountainside to get to the main camping area.

Wooden platforms covered in tarp is how we slept. There was a good six inches between the top of the platform and the bottom of the tarp and the mosquitoes were out of control. The water we drank was warm and the only food I ate the whole time we were there was bread, because the idea of beans totally grosses me out. The whole group that I bunked with were some of my worst bullies and picked on me for every reason they could possibly find.

We had two activities we were allowed to do during the day. Ride horses or go mountain biking. I desperately wanted to ride the horses – there weren’t enough of them, I was too afraid. So, I go mountain biking, but no one tells me that the brakes work differently on a mountain bike. I don’t remember how I fell, but I ended up wrapped up in the bike and one of the supervisors had to come and untangle me – in front of everyone!!!

I went home covered in bites and bruises – literally and metaphorically!!!

Ever since, I have basically said, I won’t camp. I don’t like camping. Camping is not for me.

However, The Boyfriend and his family absolutely love camping. They all have very fond memories of camping with very skilled campers. His Mom has been saying for years that she’s going to take us out camping – she knows how to do it right – she assures me that all these problems I’ve had in the past won’t exist when we go camping, because she’ll make sure I have a great time. She’s never been wrong!

Today, we’re up there visiting and the camping plan begins. Most years, it begins and everyone gets real excitement but then we all realize the burden of our lives and it just gets pushed back another year. But this year, it began, everyone got real excited and then, everyone realized how possible it was. For the first time, it’s possible.

And… Queue panic attack…

I have an issue with the vastness of space. The unknowns of the universe. 

The first time I looked at the moon through a telescope, I got dizzy and lightheaded and then I got scared – really scared. When I see northern lights, I panic about how fast they are moving and I can feel the earth rotate beneath me. When we went out to utter darkness to watch the Perseid Meteor Shower, I couldn’t get out of the van because I was frozen in the fear.

I don’t want to have another bad camping experience.

I don’t want to be sitting in the tent in the middle of the night, under the vastness of space, heart racing, palms sweating, unable to sleep, surrounded by people and yet being entirely alone! I don’t want to be pestering an exhausted camper to stay awake with me when the irrational anxiety hits after the fire has burnt out…

I want to do it. I want to go camping so bad and have this experience that everyone insists is possible!

But, the idea of it… The thought of it… Absolutely terrifies me…

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Beginning of Teenagehood

I have been ridiculously tired. Like nap everyday tired…

I’ve barely been on my computer over the last week, which is entirely abnormal for me. And when I do get on my computer, I’m just not motivated to do anything. I click into all the projects, tabs open like crazy. Then, I just sit there reloading the page. I’ve been here so many times before…

In general, I am feeling unproductive and unmotivated lately. I just feel like I don’t have the mental capacity to do it all, when my brain is so filled with so much other stuff right now.

Kaeidyn has been seriously so difficult to deal with. I’ve attempted to write about it so many times and I just keep feeling loss for words. I expected teenagehood, especially with her, to be incredibly hard – but I figured I had another two years before I was going to be in the thick of it. And while I know that we’re not even close to thick yet, it’s feeling really heavy to deal with.

I’ve had to be the type of Mom that I hate being a lot lately. The lecturing, hovering, up-in-your-business, disciplinarian Mom. I hate being that Mom. I hate having to use the “I’m the parent” card. I hate having to make a rule and then stick to it hard and fast. I hate it. I hate that I’m constantly having this internal war with myself about how much to let her get away with and then having to use my brain to come up with consequences that teach lessons about values and character. And trying to explain these things to a 12-year-old…

I’ve ranted about her use of language in the past. I thought swearing was really going to be the worst of our problems, but I’m learning that I was wrong. It started when she began saying to baby Cazzwell that she was going to punch him in the face – something that we attributed to us getting her to watch him too much. Now, out of nowhere, she is insisting on calling him a crackhead – every time she sees him, or if he looks at her, or if she’s being loving towards him, she calls him a crackhead.

The one that bothers me the most though, and that she’s just pushing like crazy, is the constant talk of killing herself or wanting to die or hoping she chokes. And it’s not in some depressed, “I’m so sad, I’m going to kill myself” way, it is very much like we’ll be sitting there watching a show and randomly, out of nowhere, she’ll suddenly say, “I want to die!“. And when I get upset, because of course I do, she smirks and carries on as if she didn’t just utterly destroy me.

I keep trying to tell her that she doesn’t realize how what she’s saying is affecting the people around her. How does she think it makes people who have actually attempted suicide feel when she goes off about killing herself? Does she think it’s okay to call little babies “crackhead”? Does she really need to talk like that?

But nothing I say or do seems to be making much of a change at all. 

After over a week of dealing with her crap, The Boyfriend and I decide it’s time to take her cellphone away. Of course, she basically just ignores us – which we had sorta anticipated. So then, she gets told to come home right after school the next day. Instead, she doesn’t come home until after dinner. When asked where she was, she shrugs her shoulders, “Down by the river with friends” and acts as if she shouldn’t be in trouble. So then she got grounded and her cellphone got taken away and hidden.

However, this whole thing has basically not worked out at all. She has basically managed to get away with using her cellphone everyday and because it was pre-planned, is spending the weekend babysitting – in a different city, might I add. Needless to say, I know that my kid is getting the message that punishment means absolutely nothing around here.

And it’s terrible, because it is the one thing that The Boyfriend has always said that I suck at. Consistency in consequences. And I’ve always known that he’s not wrong, but when it’s like this, I feel like he gets to do his “I told ya so” dance all the time. And especially with Kaeidyn. He doesn’t feel very comfortable being the disciplinarian – I don’t make it easy for him (and neither does she…). So I can’t even be like, “You think you can do better? Be my guest!“. Ugh…

I officially do not like being a parent to a teenage daughter. It’s a lot of brain work. It’s consuming to a degree that I don’t think you can ever be prepared for. I just have no energy for anything. She has taken it all out of me. Not to mention the four boys… Don’t even get me started!

The List - For Adults 18+

No Longer #FucketListed: An Over-The-Knee Spanking

Since the very beginning of my creation of bucket lists, I have had “get an over-the-knee spanking” at the very top.

When I was pregnant with Carter (about 8ish years ago), The Boyfriend had agreed to spank me. It was a short-lived situation that was a lot of fun for me. But after we had Carter, spankings went completely out the window. And that over-the-knee spanking stayed on the list.

Well, no longer!!!

He’s been spoiling me a lot lately. We’ve had some stuff going on aka “the crap we’re going through” (I’m attempting to write posts about this, but its taking some serious time, so I’m not going to go into too much detail), but in one way or another, things are changing for us. I think he feels very insecure in our relationship right now – and not without cause – and so he’s over-compensating in other ways in an attempt to save what feels to him like a failing relationship. Although, I assure you and him both that I am not going anywhere and have no desire to!!!

Anyways, back to the point of this post…

So, the spoiling started a few days ago. We went on a trip to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things and I walked out with basically an entire summer wardrobe. A few shirts, pants and shorts and a bunch of new thongs that I picked out because I knew he would like them. Then of course, there was the trip to Drumheller and that whole experience (which I’m also writing a post about…). On his last night off, I decide to slip into one of the dresses we got and one of the thongs.

We’re sitting on the couch and he decides to moisturize my feet and legs. This doesn’t happen very often anymore, but used to be a regular occurrence for us. After he’s done, he tells me to lay across his lap. I figure he’s just planning on moisturizing the backs of my thighs or maybe give me a nice ass massage. He lifts up the hem of my dress and then…

Hard, hard, hard slap right on my left cheek.

I squirmed, I kicked, I yelped. He liked that and the next thing you know, we’re having a good long spanking session. A hard spanking session. No real warm-up, no gentleness. He had said earlier in the day during an intense discussion that we were “going to have angry sex tonight“, and his hands felt angry¬†but there was a tenderness in all the hardness.

I was all over the place on the couch across his legs. After the first few hits, every single one felt incredibly intense. My whole ass felt red everywhere, even though he had been hitting almost the exact same spot over and over on each cheek – save for the one closest to him. A few hits, just the edge of his palm or his fingertips, would nick between my legs and I would heave frantically – pain shooting through my insides and then subsiding in a way that literally made me feel the color red.

One good slap on my right cheek, sent me up on all fours and I collapsed with my head on his lap curled up in a ball. He wasn’t done with the spanking yet and continued to give me sporadic hard slaps in between drinking our coffees and smoking. When I laid back across his lap, in quick succession, three hard slaps on my left cheek. By now, that side felt fine for the most part – stingy but nicely numbing. So, the three hard slaps were gentle squirms, pleasurable wiggles, cooing. But then three hard slaps befell my right cheek. The second one caused me to kick up my legs and hold out my arms above my head, arch my back and squeal out. He had to hold my legs down to land the third hit and I swear I’ve never moved away from him faster.

He wanted pictures and told me to bend over the couch. Bright purple lines had begun forming all over both cheeks, especially the left one. You could see where he had hit hardest. Then, out of nowhere, the hardest slap. So hard that I still have a hand print leftover the next day! He was so sad that he didn’t get a video of my reaction. I flew forward and clasped onto the couch, bent down and moaned and groaned and whined, laughed out loud at the sensation, kept trying to stand up but the pain kept me crouching, gripping the couch for dear life!

He giggled and watched me squirm and wiggle and admired his handiwork. He came up behind me and stroked the hair out of my face and helped me to stand. Sitting on the couch was very hard, especially since I could feel the fabric of the couch through the soft dress that I was wearing, the coarse fabric scraping the welts that were now forming.

The sex afterwords was out of this world! My pussy actually ached when he woke me this morning for another round. I was bent over the arm of the couch, tied up for a short period, spread wide open and scrunched up in a tiny ball. He was on top, I was on top. Hands were absolutely everywhere and we were both drenched in sweat.

And I got so much amazing oral sex – like, I’m talking learned-new-things-about-how-wonderful-pleasure-can-be-type amazing!!! He spent time licking and kissing and sucking on things and in places that are rarely ever touched and kept doing this lovely thing with his lip coming up under my clit that would have my toes fiercely pointed. It was intimate and sensual and we were both surprised at how long it took me to cum. Which happened the first time kneeling over top of his face, with his hands going absolutely wild all over me.

There were so many intensely wonderful things happening everywhere. The crazy amount of eye contact – which typically isn’t a huge thing for The Boyfriend and I – during the fisting or the blowjob. His frequent use of his thumbs to either rub my clit or penetrate with, which I had told him that I had recently been fantasizing about a lot. There was also a lot of opportunity for each of us to admire each other – to admire his amazing body or to admire my vocalizations – especially being that we recently got a new picture taker AND for the first time in a few years brought the laptop up to make a home movie ūüėČ

All-in-all, it was one of the greatest nights in our sexperiences, although like I said to him after the spanking, I’m sad that it will always be remembered directly along with the “crap we’re going through“. I’m sad that it’s a marred spanking. However, on the other hand, it’s greatness supersedes that sadness. It was almost everything you want in a sexperience. It was hours and hours and hours of some of best sex The Boyfriend and I have ever had. Not only was there great sex, but there was really great discussions had throughout.

At one point, there was just playful teasing while we browsed Amazon for sex toys – specifically restraints, because he’s apparently really into that right now (no complaints here ūüėČ ūüėČ ūüėČ ). Lots of questions about interests and limit-setting – neither of us is interested in enemas, hard limit! Another point, he gave me two options: go up to bed, get tied up and fucked, or go on cam and get fucked (which is inline with the “crap we’re going through“) and I immediately said “no” to option number two.

It always fascinates me how an emotionally-charged declination of consent can still result in amazing sex!

Because of the “crap we’re going through“, there were some incredibly awkward points of the sexperience. After the spanking and some of the beginning not-orgasm-focused oral and sex, he abruptly said, “I better never catch you with another man” – which stopped everything dead in its tracks and resulted in a good cuddling/comfort session. Or when I tried to explain, through very cryptic and broken sentences, that I absolutely hated that it took me breaking his heart to, nine years later, finally get an over-the-knee spanking or that I was worried that in some way he had felt obligated to spank me to be able to keep me – that he didn’t do it because he wanted to but because he felt like he had to. There were deep conversations mixed into all the sexiness going on and it made everything feel all that much more intense.

The worst part for both of us was when he came. We were trying really hard to cum together. He held off for so long and let me have two orgasms already. So, by the time he’s getting ready to cum and I’m on top and working on that third orgasm, it’s just not happening. He ends up cumming first at my encouragement. He’s decided he absolutely doesn’t like when this happens, because he ends up falling asleep without meaning to. He felt really bad afterwards that he had had to force himself to stay awake for my third and final orgasm of the night. I assured him that it hadn’t changed how I felt about the night.

We were open and vulnerable and wounded. It was beautiful and it hurt. It made me feel so much. And I desperately needed that!

I was expecting to feel more of the post-sex blues that I typically have the day after really mind-blowing sex between us. I was expecting to feel exhausted from the lack of sleep. I was expecting to be reeling mentally when I had time to think about all the things that happened last night. I was expecting to need some serious aftercare or for him to need it. But today, aside from aching thighs and a very tender, gently bruised backside, I feel really good. I feel full of love and optimistic and just really good. Waking up to another dose of sex and then spending the morning exchanging adoring glances with The Boyfriend has just really made everything feel blissful.

The Gallery - For Everyone

Bower Ponds in May

It was the first really beautiful day of the year and we couldn’t wait to get outside.

One of our favorite places to go is down to Bower Ponds. There’s tons of places to walk along the river, not to mention the actual ponds plus two playgrounds to take the kids to. It’s always one of the first places we hit when the weather gets nice and is one of our most frequented summer locations.

This year, Kaeidyn had control of the camera and took a ton of pictures.¬†She got some great pictures of the family and of course, I’m obsessed with the pictures she took of The Boyfriend and I. But today, I wanted to share some of the landscape shots she got. What do you think?