When She Talks About Dying…

The Rantings - For Everyone

It doesn’t hit me until two days later
When we’re driving around
And I realize that that joke she told
Or that plan she made
Was actually a morbid admission
Of her pending death
And her unbearable pain
And the overwhelming burden
That she feels like she is
Because she is dying
As we all do
But she’s been given a death sentence
And is sick and tired of playing positive
And is shoving the reality down our throats
So that we will be prepared
“When my time comes!”
Which was supposed to happen a week ago
But it didn’t and now she’s on
“Borrowed time” and is “past her expiry date”
So she jokes a little harder
Plans a little more impulsively
Checking the items of the doomsday list
And you don’t want to miss a moment
Of the rest of her life
Even though it shatters your heart
Two days later as you’re driving around
When she talks about dying

The Anxiety from the Idea of Camping

The Rantings - For Everyone

When I was a kid, I had a few camping experiences that turned me off of camping altogether.

There was an earwig in the tent the first time I ever slept in one. Someone told the kids they crawled into your ears. I hated tents. The first time I went camping, for real camping, was the first time I ever spent a huge chunk of time away from my parents – in another province across the country with a bunch of strangers, half of whom spoke French, a language that is still utterly foreign to me.

We had to canoe to the tiny island we were sleeping on. I had burnt my finger on a woodburner and was terribly miserable. Plus, I was in a cabin with a bunch of girls who basically hated my guts, so sleeping in the tent full of them, scared of the possibility of earwigs, sucked!!! Then, I had to pee desperately, but someone had said that there were Sasquatch on this island and I swore I saw one (chances are,  it was just another camper going pee…), so I stayed in my tent until the sun came up holding my pee in, crying, while everyone else slept soundly. I woke up the next morning to really bad sunburn on my nose…

My next and last camping experience really put the nail in the coffin.

I’d been at the same school for about three years (the longest I ever stayed at one school) and had been the butt of some pretty harsh bullying. I remember being called “bra-lady” because someone had seen my sports bra in gym class. I remember a lot of getting picked on because of how skinny I was – lots of “do you ever eat?” and “she must throw it all up afterwards” and “I can see your bones! It’s gross!“. And the girls were especially mean to me, not entirely sure why. So, the idea of spending 3 days on a mountaintop with these people was already unappealing.

We arrived and had to take a rickety carriage ride up the side of a steep mountain pulled by two huge and terrifying Clydesdales. They made me, and me alone, sit up front with the old man who laughed when I squeaked as the seat rattled beneath me. We had to walk the remainder of the way up this mountainside to get to the main camping area.

Wooden platforms covered in tarp is how we slept. There was a good six inches between the top of the platform and the bottom of the tarp and the mosquitoes were out of control. The water we drank was warm and the only food I ate the whole time we were there was bread, because the idea of beans totally grosses me out. The whole group that I bunked with were some of my worst bullies and picked on me for every reason they could possibly find.

We had two activities we were allowed to do during the day. Ride horses or go mountain biking. I desperately wanted to ride the horses – there weren’t enough of them, I was too afraid. So, I go mountain biking, but no one tells me that the brakes work differently on a mountain bike. I don’t remember how I fell, but I ended up wrapped up in the bike and one of the supervisors had to come and untangle me – in front of everyone!!!

I went home covered in bites and bruises – literally and metaphorically!!!

Ever since, I have basically said, I won’t camp. I don’t like camping. Camping is not for me.

However, The Boyfriend and his family absolutely love camping. They all have very fond memories of camping with very skilled campers. His Mom has been saying for years that she’s going to take us out camping – she knows how to do it right – she assures me that all these problems I’ve had in the past won’t exist when we go camping, because she’ll make sure I have a great time. She’s never been wrong!

Today, we’re up there visiting and the camping plan begins. Most years, it begins and everyone gets real excitement but then we all realize the burden of our lives and it just gets pushed back another year. But this year, it began, everyone got real excited and then, everyone realized how possible it was. For the first time, it’s possible.

And… Queue panic attack…

I have an issue with the vastness of space. The unknowns of the universe. 

The first time I looked at the moon through a telescope, I got dizzy and lightheaded and then I got scared – really scared. When I see northern lights, I panic about how fast they are moving and I can feel the earth rotate beneath me. When we went out to utter darkness to watch the Perseid Meteor Shower, I couldn’t get out of the van because I was frozen in the fear.

I don’t want to have another bad camping experience.

I don’t want to be sitting in the tent in the middle of the night, under the vastness of space, heart racing, palms sweating, unable to sleep, surrounded by people and yet being entirely alone! I don’t want to be pestering an exhausted camper to stay awake with me when the irrational anxiety hits after the fire has burnt out…

I want to do it. I want to go camping so bad and have this experience that everyone insists is possible!

But, the idea of it… The thought of it… Absolutely terrifies me…

The Beginning of Teenagehood

The Rantings - For Everyone

I have been ridiculously tired. Like nap everyday tired…

I’ve barely been on my computer over the last week, which is entirely abnormal for me. And when I do get on my computer, I’m just not motivated to do anything. I click into all the projects, tabs open like crazy. Then, I just sit there reloading the page. I’ve been here so many times before…

In general, I am feeling unproductive and unmotivated lately. I just feel like I don’t have the mental capacity to do it all, when my brain is so filled with so much other stuff right now.

Kaeidyn has been seriously so difficult to deal with. I’ve attempted to write about it so many times and I just keep feeling loss for words. I expected teenagehood, especially with her, to be incredibly hard – but I figured I had another two years before I was going to be in the thick of it. And while I know that we’re not even close to thick yet, it’s feeling really heavy to deal with.

I’ve had to be the type of Mom that I hate being a lot lately. The lecturing, hovering, up-in-your-business, disciplinarian Mom. I hate being that Mom. I hate having to use the “I’m the parent” card. I hate having to make a rule and then stick to it hard and fast. I hate it. I hate that I’m constantly having this internal war with myself about how much to let her get away with and then having to use my brain to come up with consequences that teach lessons about values and character. And trying to explain these things to a 12-year-old…

I’ve ranted about her use of language in the past. I thought swearing was really going to be the worst of our problems, but I’m learning that I was wrong. It started when she began saying to baby Cazzwell that she was going to punch him in the face – something that we attributed to us getting her to watch him too much. Now, out of nowhere, she is insisting on calling him a crackhead – every time she sees him, or if he looks at her, or if she’s being loving towards him, she calls him a crackhead.

The one that bothers me the most though, and that she’s just pushing like crazy, is the constant talk of killing herself or wanting to die or hoping she chokes. And it’s not in some depressed, “I’m so sad, I’m going to kill myself” way, it is very much like we’ll be sitting there watching a show and randomly, out of nowhere, she’ll suddenly say, “I want to die!“. And when I get upset, because of course I do, she smirks and carries on as if she didn’t just utterly destroy me.

I keep trying to tell her that she doesn’t realize how what she’s saying is affecting the people around her. How does she think it makes people who have actually attempted suicide feel when she goes off about killing herself? Does she think it’s okay to call little babies “crackhead”? Does she really need to talk like that?

But nothing I say or do seems to be making much of a change at all. 

After over a week of dealing with her crap, The Boyfriend and I decide it’s time to take her cellphone away. Of course, she basically just ignores us – which we had sorta anticipated. So then, she gets told to come home right after school the next day. Instead, she doesn’t come home until after dinner. When asked where she was, she shrugs her shoulders, “Down by the river with friends” and acts as if she shouldn’t be in trouble. So then she got grounded and her cellphone got taken away and hidden.

However, this whole thing has basically not worked out at all. She has basically managed to get away with using her cellphone everyday and because it was pre-planned, is spending the weekend babysitting – in a different city, might I add. Needless to say, I know that my kid is getting the message that punishment means absolutely nothing around here.

And it’s terrible, because it is the one thing that The Boyfriend has always said that I suck at. Consistency in consequences. And I’ve always known that he’s not wrong, but when it’s like this, I feel like he gets to do his “I told ya so” dance all the time. And especially with Kaeidyn. He doesn’t feel very comfortable being the disciplinarian – I don’t make it easy for him (and neither does she…). So I can’t even be like, “You think you can do better? Be my guest!“. Ugh…

I officially do not like being a parent to a teenage daughter. It’s a lot of brain work. It’s consuming to a degree that I don’t think you can ever be prepared for. I just have no energy for anything. She has taken it all out of me. Not to mention the four boys… Don’t even get me started!

No Longer #FucketListed: An Over-The-Knee Spanking

The List - For Adults 18+

Since the very beginning of my creation of bucket lists, I have had “get an over-the-knee spanking” at the very top.

When I was pregnant with Carter (about 8ish years ago), The Boyfriend had agreed to spank me. It was a short-lived situation that was a lot of fun for me. But after we had Carter, spankings went completely out the window. And that over-the-knee spanking stayed on the list.

Well, no longer!!!

He’s been spoiling me a lot lately. We’ve had some stuff going on aka “the crap we’re going through” (I’m attempting to write posts about this, but its taking some serious time, so I’m not going to go into too much detail), but in one way or another, things are changing for us. I think he feels very insecure in our relationship right now – and not without cause – and so he’s over-compensating in other ways in an attempt to save what feels to him like a failing relationship. Although, I assure you and him both that I am not going anywhere and have no desire to!!!

Anyways, back to the point of this post…

So, the spoiling started a few days ago. We went on a trip to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things and I walked out with basically an entire summer wardrobe. A few shirts, pants and shorts and a bunch of new thongs that I picked out because I knew he would like them. Then of course, there was the trip to Drumheller and that whole experience (which I’m also writing a post about…). On his last night off, I decide to slip into one of the dresses we got and one of the thongs.

We’re sitting on the couch and he decides to moisturize my feet and legs. This doesn’t happen very often anymore, but used to be a regular occurrence for us. After he’s done, he tells me to lay across his lap. I figure he’s just planning on moisturizing the backs of my thighs or maybe give me a nice ass massage. He lifts up the hem of my dress and then…

Hard, hard, hard slap right on my left cheek.

I squirmed, I kicked, I yelped. He liked that and the next thing you know, we’re having a good long spanking session. A hard spanking session. No real warm-up, no gentleness. He had said earlier in the day during an intense discussion that we were “going to have angry sex tonight“, and his hands felt angry but there was a tenderness in all the hardness.

I was all over the place on the couch across his legs. After the first few hits, every single one felt incredibly intense. My whole ass felt red everywhere, even though he had been hitting almost the exact same spot over and over on each cheek – save for the one closest to him. A few hits, just the edge of his palm or his fingertips, would nick between my legs and I would heave frantically – pain shooting through my insides and then subsiding in a way that literally made me feel the color red.

One good slap on my right cheek, sent me up on all fours and I collapsed with my head on his lap curled up in a ball. He wasn’t done with the spanking yet and continued to give me sporadic hard slaps in between drinking our coffees and smoking. When I laid back across his lap, in quick succession, three hard slaps on my left cheek. By now, that side felt fine for the most part – stingy but nicely numbing. So, the three hard slaps were gentle squirms, pleasurable wiggles, cooing. But then three hard slaps befell my right cheek. The second one caused me to kick up my legs and hold out my arms above my head, arch my back and squeal out. He had to hold my legs down to land the third hit and I swear I’ve never moved away from him faster.

He wanted pictures and told me to bend over the couch. Bright purple lines had begun forming all over both cheeks, especially the left one. You could see where he had hit hardest. Then, out of nowhere, the hardest slap. So hard that I still have a hand print leftover the next day! He was so sad that he didn’t get a video of my reaction. I flew forward and clasped onto the couch, bent down and moaned and groaned and whined, laughed out loud at the sensation, kept trying to stand up but the pain kept me crouching, gripping the couch for dear life!

He giggled and watched me squirm and wiggle and admired his handiwork. He came up behind me and stroked the hair out of my face and helped me to stand. Sitting on the couch was very hard, especially since I could feel the fabric of the couch through the soft dress that I was wearing, the coarse fabric scraping the welts that were now forming.

The sex afterwords was out of this world! My pussy actually ached when he woke me this morning for another round. I was bent over the arm of the couch, tied up for a short period, spread wide open and scrunched up in a tiny ball. He was on top, I was on top. Hands were absolutely everywhere and we were both drenched in sweat.

And I got so much amazing oral sex – like, I’m talking learned-new-things-about-how-wonderful-pleasure-can-be-type amazing!!! He spent time licking and kissing and sucking on things and in places that are rarely ever touched and kept doing this lovely thing with his lip coming up under my clit that would have my toes fiercely pointed. It was intimate and sensual and we were both surprised at how long it took me to cum. Which happened the first time kneeling over top of his face, with his hands going absolutely wild all over me.

There were so many intensely wonderful things happening everywhere. The crazy amount of eye contact – which typically isn’t a huge thing for The Boyfriend and I – during the fisting or the blowjob. His frequent use of his thumbs to either rub my clit or penetrate with, which I had told him that I had recently been fantasizing about a lot. There was also a lot of opportunity for each of us to admire each other – to admire his amazing body or to admire my vocalizations – especially being that we recently got a new picture taker AND for the first time in a few years brought the laptop up to make a home movie 😉

All-in-all, it was one of the greatest nights in our sexperiences, although like I said to him after the spanking, I’m sad that it will always be remembered directly along with the “crap we’re going through“. I’m sad that it’s a marred spanking. However, on the other hand, it’s greatness supersedes that sadness. It was almost everything you want in a sexperience. It was hours and hours and hours of some of best sex The Boyfriend and I have ever had. Not only was there great sex, but there was really great discussions had throughout.

At one point, there was just playful teasing while we browsed Amazon for sex toys – specifically restraints, because he’s apparently really into that right now (no complaints here 😉 😉 😉 ). Lots of questions about interests and limit-setting – neither of us is interested in enemas, hard limit! Another point, he gave me two options: go up to bed, get tied up and fucked, or go on cam and get fucked (which is inline with the “crap we’re going through“) and I immediately said “no” to option number two.

It always fascinates me how an emotionally-charged declination of consent can still result in amazing sex!

Because of the “crap we’re going through“, there were some incredibly awkward points of the sexperience. After the spanking and some of the beginning not-orgasm-focused oral and sex, he abruptly said, “I better never catch you with another man” – which stopped everything dead in its tracks and resulted in a good cuddling/comfort session. Or when I tried to explain, through very cryptic and broken sentences, that I absolutely hated that it took me breaking his heart to, nine years later, finally get an over-the-knee spanking or that I was worried that in some way he had felt obligated to spank me to be able to keep me – that he didn’t do it because he wanted to but because he felt like he had to. There were deep conversations mixed into all the sexiness going on and it made everything feel all that much more intense.

The worst part for both of us was when he came. We were trying really hard to cum together. He held off for so long and let me have two orgasms already. So, by the time he’s getting ready to cum and I’m on top and working on that third orgasm, it’s just not happening. He ends up cumming first at my encouragement. He’s decided he absolutely doesn’t like when this happens, because he ends up falling asleep without meaning to. He felt really bad afterwards that he had had to force himself to stay awake for my third and final orgasm of the night. I assured him that it hadn’t changed how I felt about the night.

We were open and vulnerable and wounded. It was beautiful and it hurt. It made me feel so much. And I desperately needed that!

I was expecting to feel more of the post-sex blues that I typically have the day after really mind-blowing sex between us. I was expecting to feel exhausted from the lack of sleep. I was expecting to be reeling mentally when I had time to think about all the things that happened last night. I was expecting to need some serious aftercare or for him to need it. But today, aside from aching thighs and a very tender, gently bruised backside, I feel really good. I feel full of love and optimistic and just really good. Waking up to another dose of sex and then spending the morning exchanging adoring glances with The Boyfriend has just really made everything feel blissful.

Bower Ponds in May

The Gallery - For Everyone

It was the first really beautiful day of the year and we couldn’t wait to get outside.

One of our favorite places to go is down to Bower Ponds. There’s tons of places to walk along the river, not to mention the actual ponds plus two playgrounds to take the kids to. It’s always one of the first places we hit when the weather gets nice and is one of our most frequented summer locations.

This year, Kaeidyn had control of the camera and took a ton of pictures. She got some great pictures of the family and of course, I’m obsessed with the pictures she took of The Boyfriend and I. But today, I wanted to share some of the landscape shots she got. What do you think?

Projects Underway

The Rantings - For Everyone

I have been a very busy girl over the last few days. Lots of online work getting done and plenty of projects underway!

The Erotic Writers Group has probably been the top of my priority list this week. Summer always seems to bring me a lot of inspiration for the group and I always do a lot of work during the summer months. I am determined, utterly, to re-launch this thing by the end of the year. I’ve said it almost every year, but I’m working harder than ever!

The first big thing that I plan to bring back for The Erotic Writers Group is our #WritingPrompts for #EroticWriters. I seriously miss doing these so much, I miss using the prompts and I miss the community building these provided for us. I’ve got plans like crazy and now it’s just a matter of sorting it all out and getting down to the details of it.

I’m seriously thinking that I need to write a few posts about all the lessons I’m learning and utilizing this time around with my processes.

I’ve also been working on a few of my own personal projects.

I suddenly had the idea one day to compile all of my erotic limericks into a book. This has since evolved and changed and become a pretty amazing set of ideas and I have been utterly consumed by this project – and it shows across all of my social networks! I even officially #BucketListed: Publish My First Book. And in the last few days have written about 30 new limericks. Who knows when/if this project will finish but it is something that I’m working on.

Finally, I’ve almost completed work on the return of WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays. I’ve just got a few tweaks to make and then it’s time to start queuing up the questions and then, promotion. I’m super excited to bring this back. It’s interesting to me that while the world of TV and movies is in reboot mania, so am I! But it’s fun and I’m enjoying the inspiration!

Also, The Mermaid is coming along – albeit very slowly. It’s turning out much longer than I had anticipated it would be, which is a good thing, so far. It has definitely taken a backseat to these other projects, but I add a few paragraphs here and there every couple of days and am continuously collecting up inspiration and information to keep myself going.

Needless to sayI have been a very busy girl over the last few days. Lots of online work getting done and plenty of projects underway!

#BucketListed: Publish My First Book

The List - For Everyone

I’ve long talked about my desire to write a book. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do.

I even have books in the works. By in the works, I mean that they are sitting in folders – some of them only just started, some of them just outlined and some of them with thousands of unedited words.

However, I would in no way say that I’m anywhere near the point of publishing said first book yet. Not even close!

Being an author is a way of immortalizing yourself – more than almost any other medium. Words live for centuries!  You can still read the words of authors and philosophers written from thousands of years ago. I was always a big fan of journaling, to remember myself, to remember who I was. To immortalize and preserve myself for myself.

What began as journaling evolved into writing. It’s how I started blogging. I wasn’t doing it to reach out to readers or start conversations, I was just writing in my online journal. Then I began publishing erotica and can now, sorta, put myself into the writer category. Sorta.

In terms of what types of books I want to publish, it ranges and varies. Generally, I want to stick to sex-based subjects, because it’s what I think I know. And what I’m passionate about – which is ultimately what matters. From erotic novels to non-fiction sexual education-type books.

Does that mean that this should be #FucketListed?

To which, my answer is, no it shouldn’t be. Because it’s not a sexual want/desire/aspiration. It’s a very day-to-day mundane interaction – writing a book, that is. Publishing a book is not sexual, even if it’s content may be. And if I only wanted to publish erotica, then maybe. But again, that’s not all I can write!

More than anything though, I want to feel my book in my hands. I struggle with publishing an eBook alone because I want to feel the weight of my words. I want to hear my finger slide down the page and the spine crack! I want to turn the crisp pages and have that memorable smell waft towards my nose. I want to make it to the final page and experience the ending in the way only closing a book can allow. I want to set it down and feel completed.

The Boyfriend’s Been Tweeting!

The Rantings - For Everyone

So, The Boyfriend joined Twitter about 3 years ago now.

I’m not sure what spurred him joining Twitter. Pretty sure it was the release of some game, probably something to do with beta-testing, and it sent him on a journey of recording gameclips and considering starting his own gaming site – which is something we both consider doing from time to time, especially being that the whole family desperately wants to be YouTube gamers (except for the girls, who still want to be on YouTube, just not for games…).


2015 was a busy year for him on Twitter and in the gaming world in general. Lots of really great new games including Star Wars Battlefront, Halo 5 Guardians, Fallout 4, plus the release of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer.


2016, he barely tweeted at all. Probably because we lost the cellphone that had the app that he used and he’s not a computer guy and only recently re-added the app on his tablet…


So now, it’s 2017, and he’s slowly making his comeback.

My favorite part so far has been all the old pictures he’s been posting as he’s been spending the last two days staying up late just so he can walk down memory lane. More than once every day for the last two, we’ve both stated, “Can’t believe it’s been 9 years…!“. And while we still technically have a few months to go until we’re officially at 9 years, we’re over the halfway mark, so we just call it 9 😉


So now, I totally invite you to go follow @Bukshot7, because he totally needs more than just cam girls following him! Personally, my favorite tweet is the “There are many reasons why @ValerieRayne13 (that’s me!) is the love of my life…” one, but I’m biased. What’s yours?

We Are So Freaking Adorable…

The Gallery - For Everyone

Straight up, I have never enjoyed two pictures of The Boyfriend and I as much as I enjoy these ones that Kaeidyn took of us during our last trip to Bower Ponds (more pictures to come…).

And… Release…

The Rantings - For Everyone

It feels like it’s been an exceptionally long couple of days. 

Cazzwell has been sick, again. I feel like he gets sick a lot. It’s the amount of kids we have and the rapidly changing weather, it’s gotta be. But this one is just being rough!

He has been one heck of a grumpy baby. More than once, I’ve had to set him down and walk away and just let him cry for a few minutes, because it gets to be so overwhelming. It always tends to feel like he’s only grumpy for me – although the logical and rational me knows that that is only because he spends the most amount of time with me – in the moment when he’s just not giving up, the irrational side of me takes over and I just think, “My baby hates me!”.

My sleep schedule is absolutely all over the place and has been for about a week and a half. I’m lucky if I’m averaging 4 hours a night. I seem to have a lot of energy though. I stay up almost all night, sleep for a couple hours before the baby wakes up ridiculously early, doze while he’s playing in bed beside me until The Boyfriend gets home from work, and then I’m up again. I’m hoping something will give soon there because I can foresee it officially being too much in a day or two.

The two eldest kids have been trying my patience a great deal this week too.

Kaeidyn has technically been doing it for awhile now and it just keeps seeming to get worse and worse with her – which is to be expected but that does not make it any less trying. In this last week alone, two new rules have been created for her. She’s been missing a lot of school, making a lot of decisions without asking parents (like messaging me after she’s already at her friend’s house across town, “I’m staying here tonight!“, instead of messaging me beforehand and asking for permission…), and her snarky attitude is constantly present.

I’ve been trying to touch her and cuddle her more. She had pointed out awhile back that I was always saying that I loved the boys but never saying it to her. I hadn’t even noticed to be honest. There was awhile back there where she didn’t like hearing it and so, I guess I stopped saying it so much. So, I’ve been trying to be more affectionate to her, letting her know that she is truly loved. At first, she would flinch every time I’d stroke her hair or give me a dirty look if I said anything nice to her, acting like I was some weird alien species. It must be working though because she has actually come and sat on the couch next to me just to cuddle.

Eventually, we’ll figure this shit out…

Kenzie is following directly in his older sister’s footsteps. In this last week, I have literally had to yell over top of him that I didn’t want to hear his arguments anymore. He will take the most minor things and blow them up to huge proportions and have an absolute meltdown. He used to storm up to his room, slam his door and go to sleep. But now, he’ll stand there and just yell at you and argue with you. It is absolutely sucking the life out of me!

He’s now got a group of friends too, just like his sister. And because she was allowed to do such and such at his age, he immediately thinks that he gets to do it too. He doesn’t remember that, to some degree, Kaeidyn had to earn all that stuff. So, he’ll go to his friend’s house and then without telling anyone, leaves his friend’s house and ends up at another friend’s house. Or they’ll go to a park without telling any parents. Or he won’t come home from school until dinnertime. He also forgets, just like Kaeidyn, that he has to ask permission.

Carter has not been understanding the word “no” lately.

It’s a very fluid word for him. He thinks every little variation to the plan will change the answer. “Well, if this happened…” and he will constantly ask over and over again. You’d think he’d forget about it or something, but the next day, he’s still asking hoping the answer will change. And when you finally have had enough and get upset at him for not understanding the no, he pouts and pouts and acts like you’re the cruelest person in the world and like you’re being unfair only to him. And then the asking begins again…

Keirnan is the only kid that I have no real huge complaints about!

He’s been a great helper this last little while, which is such a change from just a little while ago. When I’m feeling frustrated with Cazzwell, he jumps in and takes over and is the best big brother you could ask for. When I need help making food or cleaning up a mess, as long as I say I need help, he gets up and goes about helping out. I think he’s been enjoying the feeling of taking care of things. He has been angry a lot towards Carter, which has been a struggle to figure out how to deal with, but I can’t always blame him for feeling like that towards his little brother, because Carter can be a real handful. And he seems to gravitate towards being annoying to Keirnan.

You punch a monkey so many times and eventually the monkey’s going to punch back!

I have been incredibly unproductive this last week too. I had a good two weeks of some seriously epic productivity. I was getting stuff done left and right, writing lots, keeping the main floor pretty darn clean, motivating the family to do their part. And then, it just all went out the window. I’ve spent this last week mostly glued to my computer, mostly wasting time and mostly trying to ignore the world around me. There’s been lots of game and Star Wars talk happening and I’m just not interested. I’m not interested in being interested this time around. I’m not even interested in faking interest. So, I’ve been trying to just kinda zone out and stay that way.

I’m hoping that The Boyfriend’s next two days off will give me some time to decompress from this last week. To have some sort of release. Have a bit of kid-free time, no electronics and hopefully really nice weather. In a perfect world, we would go for a drive somewhere and now that I have my ID, The Boyfriend would finally take me out drinking or dancing or something. Just something adult, for grown-ups.

I need to have some sort of experience because I’m starting to feel cooped up in all of it.

Kaeidyn & I Do Karaoke

The Gallery - For Everyone

A few nights back, Kaeidyn decided she wanted to do karaoke.

We recently discovered Sing King Karaoke on YouTube and we’ve all been a little obsessed. After a couple songs, I started recording her. We’re nearing the end of the hour long session here, but she insisted, “Mom, you be the guy!” – and so…

I always love when she’s listening to music and singing. Even when she listens to her annoying music. I love that she’s musical. It’s the one area we can really connect. When she picks up the guitar, when she listens to music, when she sings karaoke, I love it so much!!!

Remember, if you like this video, subscribe to my channel for more!

Fin-spiration for The Mermaid

The Gallery - For Everyone

I’ve been working on an erotic story.

I was tasked by a follower on Google+ to write a mermaid story (shoutout to +Richard Bacula).

I have literally had it in the works for over a month now because I keep coming up against walls left and right. I have never read anything with mermaids in it and the only other mermaid I’ve ever known was Ariel from The Little Mermaid. That’s it! So, I’ve been seeking out lots of inspiration for this one.

First was the issue: how exactly do mermaids have sex?

I think I’ve figured this one out. I think I’ve decided how I want it to be done and what I’m hoping to accomplish with the mermaid sex scene(s).

Now, my issue is: how exactly to describe a mermaid tail/fins and the various anatomy of those parts. Plus, how exactly do you describe the color of mermaid scales?!?

So, I went on a Google hunt for some inspiration, which led me to Pinterest and I thought this could be pretty to share. Enjoy some fin-spiration!

If it was specked with more green, this is almost exactly the tail I have in mind:

However, this mermaid tail is pretty awesome too – maybe for a different mermaid character 😉

“A very useful chart for mer-doctors”:


Speaking of information that could be useful for a mer-doctor… The Wikipedia version of the course taught in Mer-Medical School reads something like this:

  • First stories of mermaids had the goddess Atargatis transform herself into a mermaid because she accidentally killed her human lover
  • Mermaids are sometimes associated with perilous events such as floods, storms, shipwrecks and drownings.
  • The word “mermaid” is a compound of the words mere (sea) and maid (girl or young woman)
  • Often equated with the Sirens from Greek mythology who, “would lure soon-to-be-shipwrecked sailors to nearby rocks, sandbars or shoals
  • Sirenomelia, also called “mermaid syndrome”, is a rare congenital disorder in which a child is born with his or her legs fused together and small genitalia.” Also, as of July 2003, there are only 4 known survivors.
  • Mermen are described as wilder and uglier than mermaids and have very little interest in humans
  • Disney’s The Little Mermaid (1989), is based on Hans Christian Anderson’s fairytale, The Little Mermaid (1837)
  • Chinese literature, 15th century, tells of a mermaid who “wept tears which became pearls
  • Since 1947, Weeki Wachi Springs has professional female divers who perform as mermaids at “The Only City of Live Mermaids

The posts for true lovers of mermaids were very inspiring:

Some great vintage mermaid art. This one made me laugh:

Surprisingly, didn’t find more of mermaids with people on land. However, this one immediately touched me:

And finally, Father Tuck’s “Alphabet” Series, 1902:

Also, I discovered the word to describe the color of a mermaid’s tail:

Irridescent

showing luminous colors that seem to change when seen from different angles
Synonyms of Interest: Luminous, Lustrous, Opalescent, Prismatic

Tonight, I’m working on writing about the first appearance of the mermaid. Then, I’m going to finally tackle the first sex scene which I imagine will take me a bit to write as I attempt to navigate mer-natomy. After that, we’ll see what happens.

In the meantime, check out my Fin-spiration Pinterest Board – it’s pretty awesome, if I do say so myself 😉

Ways to Support #EroticWriters

The Erotic Writers Group - For #EroticWriters, For #EroticReaders

I know I haven’t written in a few days, I’ve been super busy elsewhere. And this is one of those things that I’ve been busy with. So, I thought I’d share this little tidbit with all of you!

For the last couple of days in The Erotic Writers Group Google+ Community, we’ve been discussing the various ways that our members support their favorite writers. For the most part, response has been sporadic – mostly because a large majority of our community is made up of #EroticWriters and this question was more for #EroticReaders.

I spent some time thinking about how I currently support writers. Now, I don’t often spend a lot of time reading present day erotica – something that I’ve always been honest about and that I’m desperate to change – I’m one of those members in the group who considers herself to be more of a writer than a reader. However, I think that there are many ways that I support writers and definitely a lot more things I’d like to be doing. So, I added my two cents to the discussion on my Facebook page (although for some reason, I can’t embed any Facebook posts and I can’t figure out a workaround… So links and quotes it is…)!

First, The Erotic Writers Group Facebook page recapped the discussion:

#EroticReaders We’ve been discussing ways to support your favorite #EroticWriters everywhere and now we want to open up the floor to you.

From Google+, we’ve had:
https://plus.google.com/+Eroticwritersgro…/posts/Q69591ZLx9v

– Promote giveaways
– Write blog posts
– Write and post reviews

From Twitter, we’ve had:
https://twitter.com/Erotic_Writers/status/855501202246647808

– Support on Patreon

So, what do you think could be added to this list? What are some of the ways you support your favorite writers? What are some of the ways you wish you could support your favorite writers?”

And then, my two cents…:

“Some of the ways I support my favorite writers:

– Follow them on social networks
– Read their blog posts and if it’s good or sparks a thought, share and/or comment
– Reach out to them through The Erotic Writers Group and/or Google+ (since that’s where almost all of my writing-related stuff happens)

Some of the ways I wish I supported my favorite writers:

– Read a lot more!!!
– Bought their entire libraries of books
– Bought additional merch when it’s offered
– Go to meetups and book signings (not often offered from #EroticWriters – but how awesome would it be if it was!!!)
– Co-writing!!!

So, what are some of the ways that you support your favorite writers or wish you could?”

Now I definitely want to open up the floor to you, dear reader. Either in the comments or in response to any of the discussions above, whichever one works for you. And if you aren’t a member of The Erotic Writers Group Google+ Community, but enjoy erotica, then I definitely suggest joining this group of #EroticWriters and #EroticReaders where we connect, share, learn and inspire!

Still Snowing

The Rantings - For Everyone

It has felt like a very long couple of weeks. Very long. And I expect that it’s going to take awhile for everyone to recover.

In my last post, I was freaking out a little bit about our annual inspection. The Boyfriend worked incredibly hard and we ended up having no problems passing. We were a bit surprised, because we both felt incredibly unprepared, even though we pulled multiple overnighters. But, we’re all good for another year!

My sister also moved to town and then her kids came to visit her and because Mom’s boyfriend was in town, everyone ended up at my house. So I had three days of extra people here – which was amazing and awesome and probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do all year. It felt like a lot of work, probably because I’m not used to dealing with that many people.

By The Boyfriend’s second day off, we were itching for alone time. Quiet time. We finally got it last night and we both soaked it up like crazy. Even ended up getting rid of Cazzwell in the morning and slept the entire day away – which was so desperately needed after a series of very late nights and ridiculously early mornings. Hopefully, now that the big stressful stuff is done, The Boyfriend and I will finally be able to get on some sort of more-regular sleep routine.

The kids are all doing pretty good. Kaeidyn has been pushing her luck a lot lately and her attitude has been wildly out of control. I ended up taking her phone away from her for a few days because I just couldn’t get over how she was treating everyone. The way she talks sometimes just absolutely astounds me. She can be so angry for absolutely no reason and has the ability to just break your heart with her words. I see a lot of “consequences” in her future.

Kenzie, Keirnan and Carter have all been pretty darn amazing. They’ve been helping keep up on the cleaning ever since the inspection and have all been having fun taking turns “babysitting” Cazzwell – really, the adults are just in another room (like when I make dinner) – but they don’t care about that. They’ve even been getting along better, although Carter has been having a great time playfighting lately.

Cazzwell is growing up way way way too fast. Pulling himself up on everything now and he is just so ready to be on the move. He crawls so fast! He’s gotten into yelling as loud as he can for absolutely no reason and for such a small kid, he’s the loudest of the bunch. We’ve been attempting to get him on more solid foods and sometimes it seems to go great and other times, it’s a bit of a pain. There isn’t too much that he really enjoys eating lately and for the most part, he just makes a big mess.

I ended up spending the three days that my sister was here completely off my computer. I haven’t done that in awhile and definitely not while we still had internet. It was surprising to me how easy it was. Normally, I’m itching after a few hours. This time, day three I started to notice. I’m working on a few different projects right now, so I’m super glad to finally be able to concentrate on that stuff. Hopefully, I’ll get one of the projects done very soon.

It’s snowing a lot lately. We had a week of really warm weather – like, wear your t-shirt outside weather. Then, big globs of snow. And while the snow only lasts half the day and mostly melts before nightfall, waking up in the mornings to nothing but white in the middle of spring is just so utterly depressing! I am desperate for warmth and sun and blue skies – and based on the weather right now, it’s going to be a very short burst of that before we go back to winter. It’s very sad.

Who else is still getting snow? Rant about it with me in the comments below!

Scatterbrained

The Rantings - For Everyone

I have been attempting to write for days now. I’ve technically done a lot of writing. My drafts folder is filled with half-finished posts. Finishing things is absolutely not happening for me right now. It means that I’ve been refusing to hit publish.

It’s the weather. It’s the cleaning. It’s that crap between The Boyfriend and I that I have yet to be able to adequately write about. It’s the kids – especially the daughter who has been upsetting everyone and the baby who has been incredibly needy. It’s everything! Absolutely everything is making it hard for me to get anything done or to even want to do it in the first place.

I have never helped so little in preparation for our annual inspection. I was pregnant last year and worked 10x harder than I have this year. For all my bitching about The Boyfriend, he has been beyond amazing, because he’s just been working circles around me – even though he’s exhausted from working and getting less than 6 hours of sleep almost every single day.

We’re down to 3 days before the inspection and there is still an epic laundry list of things to do. Right now, I feel like if we pass, it’ll be because they’ve lowered their standards. However, I feel like this 3 days before every single year and somehow we manage to pull it all together and make this place look spectacular. So, I’m hopeful…

We’ve got so much stuff to do this time of year. I always look forward to Spring because not only does it bring warmer weather but it also brings the largest amounts of money we see all year. Profit sharing and taxes hit within weeks of each other, plus our paydays, and we never go through periods of having to borrow money from people like we do in Winter – because of birthdays, back-to-school and Christmas being all clumped together. However, it becomes one of our busiest times of year because there’s always stuff to do.

Everyday I’m adding stuff to the list of stuff that we’ve gotta do. The Boyfriend’s poor face whenever I do just breaks my heart. He gets his hopes up that he’s going to get to sleep longer and then I remind him that we have to do this or that and his sleep decreases by an hour. I feel so bad for him right now. I can never get over the fact that he does all of this and doesn’t complain once. He never whines or pouts (at least, not outright), he doesn’t distance himself from me (even though, it’s gotta bother him when I’m sitting on the couch and he’s cleaning after being awake for 20 hours…), he never gets mad. I’ve been sure to be a constant stream of appreciation for his absolute amazingness.

My Mom is also being a great help and taking the kids for a night so that we can focus without having to tag team so much. It’s hard to get anything done when the boys wanna tell you a story and the baby wants to be held and the daughter is asking if she can go somewhere with someone. I’ve been finding that my brain is super scattered lately because of all the information for all the people that I’m holding in it. Trying to keep track of friends names and which YouTuber the boys are into and how much food did the baby actually eat today – it’s all just a lot of stuff going on up there. Not to mention my own ideas, thoughts, fantasies and daydreams.

It’s just the beginning of April, but I absolutely feel like I’m ready for it to be over already…

#ListeningTo Angsty Music of My Teenagehood

The Rantings - For Everyone

I’m writing more of a post about this issue with The Boyfriend but he keeps adding fuel to the fire and the post must wait. So I will just share this quick Google+ update with some of the music I was #ListeningTo this morning. I kept trying to figure out why my playlists were sounding so much like a 14-year-old girls and I think I figured it out!

Spring Cleaning 2017

The Rantings - For Everyone

It’s inspection time again and I am feeling burdened…

We’ve had this annual inspection every year that we’ve lived in this place and yet, every single time that it comes around, it causes me the most insane amount of stress. The stress is caused by the fact that we could potentially face eviction if all does not go perfectly. And that would be the worst!

Even though I feel like we’ve been cleaning more than ever and more consistently than ever, it feels like there is a lot of things to do. Really, it’s a lot of the jobs that get neglected all year long, like washing the walls and baseboards or cleaning out the closets. Winter is just ending too, so we’ve got some yard work needing to be done.

It always seems to be the worst time of year for us in the sense that we’re not set up to do a big spring clean. The kids are home for two weeks, meaning that messes are way more frequent and overwhelming than usual. The Boyfriend always seems to be working the longest times during this time and also ends up having to do a big majority of the cleaning and it must just be incredibly hard for him. Last year, I was pregnant. This year, a baby makes where someone always needs to be watching him.

We’ve been tag-teaming cleaning as much as possible and I have really perfected the art of delegation with the kids. Everyone but Kaeidyn has been super helpful lately too. Keirnan will make a face and pout and tears gather in his eyes, but he’ll get up off his butt and do the work. Kenzie and Carter are my two best little helpers – although Carter’s jobs often require telling him to redo them over and over again. But between The Boyfriend and I, we’ve been slacking a lot because it’s like, “Okay, you go clean this while I watch Cazzwell and then you watch him while I go clean this!” and we just do not work well that way.

Right before spring break started, all the kids got sick as the weather got warm very fast. We went from -30 Celsius to +10 and every single one of them got stuffed noses and bad coughs – even The Boyfriend, which almost never happens. Carter had a few days where his ears were really bugging him and is still looking exceptionally pale. Cazzwell has been a bundle of sickness!!

Every time we think he’s over it and he clears up and his nose stops running it ends up being the calm before the storm! He’s been congested. It goes away and during the day you hardly notice and then at night, he wakes up from his sleep coughing or snoring extra loud because of the phlegm. Then, because he’s 6 months now, he’s “leveled up” in formula and we’ve been trying to introduce more solids into his diet. This has caused him to have a bit of constipation.

Can you believe that I have had a handful of babies and have never had to personally deal with constipation?!?

It has been stressful and heartbreaking and exhausting and a great test of patience! I often crawl into bed at night just absolutely flabbergasted that I made it through the day. Like, how?!? How did I put up with that kid slapping the other kid across the face? How did I get through the fight with Kaeidyn over her cellphone? How did I manage to do the dishes and make a meal? How the heck did I do it?!?

The next few days will become more and more focused on cleaning. We are finally getting a new-to-us washing machine and won’t have to pack up bags of laundry to take down to my Mom’s to do once a week! The Boyfriend and I are planning a dump run with our old broken down washing machines, which will immediately make our basement feel cleaner. He’s picked up all the cleaning supplies we will need and has worked out a general timeline of all the things he needs to get done.

And then we’ll cross our fingers and hope for the best in two weeks time…

I Caved Because That’s What I Do

The Rantings - For Everyone

Written about a week ago:

I stopped saying “I love you” nine days ago…

I didn’t think he had noticed and now that I think about it, it took him quite a few days to notice. Day seven, I started getting upset that he wasn’t noticing, so I said, “I can’t believe it’s been seven days“. After a few wrong guesses he said, “Since you said you loved me?” and I looked at him almost surprised that he had actually figured it out.

I said, “Oh really? You noticed?!?

He said, “I kinda thought something was up the other night on Facebook.

I said, “And you didn’t think to say anything?!?

The conversation basically ends and we spend the next half hour in awkward silence. He leaves for work and doesn’t say “I love you“, like he always does and has been doing for the last eight years.

I send him a Facebook message. “FYI, choosing to not say “I love you” to me is definitely not the way to deal with me not saying it for the past 8 days. Unless you want to become the type of couple that doesn’t say it…

He responds on his lunch break, I’m assuming mostly jokingly that, “Maybe I’ve been saying it too much for you lately.

I send him back a novel-length rant about how it would be nice if instead of just assuming what I’m thinking, he would ask. I rant at him, “Do you not care?!?” and throw in some un-useful profanities and then just abandon my argument, “Forget I said, or didn’t say, anything!“. I’m tired, I don’t feel like talking about it anymore, I’ve given up. So, I go to bed and don’t say anything for the rest of the night.

This morning, he comes home from work. You can see the upset all over his face, but he plays it cool and comes and grabs baby and makes it seem like he’s giving me the option to sleep in. I was just going to sleep but my bladder wouldn’t give up, so I came down to go to the washroom. Then, I sat on the couch with him.

After a little while of a tense silence, he says, “I was going to respond to you last night. Wrote a bunch on my lunch break and then deleted it…“. I couldn’t help a sarcastic, “That’s great!“. A few more minutes of silence and then he says timidly, “Maybe I haven’t been caring very much lately.” and of course, I’m completely taken aback. Because I seriously thought I was being irrational when I said it.

Ever since my birthday…“, he adds.

On his birthday this year, we were having an especially rough week. Money wasn’t working out, the kids were all being absolutely out of control, shit just wasn’t being friendly to us. On his birthday morning, when I very first woke up, before I had even had my first sip of coffee or was even aware that it was March 3rd, he was desperate to hear “Happy Birthday“. And I get it, it was the big 3-0.

So, he’s absolutely right. I was a total bitch that day for not making a bigger deal of his birthday. And the bad girlfriend award goes to…

But I couldn’t help but be slightly upset. Because yet again, here we are – I bring up a problem that I’m having, in the way that I always bring it up – awkwardly! But instead of discussing why I’m having a problem or what my issue is, it suddenly gets flipped to why he’s having a problem or what his issue is and how it’s all my fault…

I just honestly didn’t feel like talking about it in this direction. He’s supposed to care about why I haven’t been saying it. And could I tell you exactly why I haven’t been? Not completely. I think I have a list of things, but for every single one of them, I could tell you exactly how he would respond to make it my fault. And he wouldn’t be wrong. He asks with a hint of snark, “So then, why haven’t you been saying it?“. Bottom lip quivering, voice shaking, I threw up my hands and said, “What’s the point?!?“.

The conversation was dropped entirely. Until he went to go up to bed – at a decent hour, might I add!

We cuddled on the couch for a long time. Then he hugged me and said he had to go to bed. “I really do love you so much…. Much more than you think I do.“, and I mumbled into his neck that I wanted to come to bed with him. He invited me up and we went and crawled into bed. While what he said is amazing and sweet and beautiful, it’s not what I wanted to hear or how I wanted the conversation to end.

I’m well aware of the fact that he loves me. There is no doubt in my mind. And I hope that I’ve made it very clear to him that this has nothing to do with me not loving him because I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love him. But me not saying “I love you” to him had nothing to do with love.

I wanted him to notice! And then care! And be interested!

Let’s be real – we don’t have that much in common. He likes action movies, I like dramas. He likes videogames, I like blogging. He likes Star Wars, I like Star Trek. I’m kinky, he’s vanilla!!!! We don’t have much in common.

And this is where I get the great girlfriend award! I take on his interests so that we do share something. I play his vidoegames and keep up on the news so that when E3 rolls around and he starts wishlisting games like crazy, I know what he’s talking about. I listen to the Star Wars news years before the movies are even considering being released and keep up on which Jedi did what. I pay fucking attention!!

But, in 8 years, he hasn’t read a single one of my blog posts… When I play guitar, he turns away from me with his videogame volume up and is totally focused on an online game – so he doesn’t even try to keep the kids quiet for a session… He’s never opted in to watching any of my YouTube videos – unless I put them on when he’s sitting next to me… He shows no interest in my interests whatsoever and can hardly even fake it if I’m talking about it. He literally looks completely dazed if I start talking about how I can’t form a barre chord or that my domain registration needs to be renewed in a few months!

And yet again, falling asleep during my attempt at a second orgasm just totally blew the whole thing up in my face!

I wanted him to notice me. And care about me. And be interested in me. So, I stopped saying “I love you“, in hopes that he would take notice of the fact that I wasn’t saying our most favorite words in the whole world. In hopes that he would care why I wasn’t. In hopes that he would be interested. But, that wasn’t the case…

I can never stand when there is that awkward tension between us. I hate when there’s silence and when our arms aren’t wrapped around each other. I especially can’t stand it when it begins to feel like all those feelings are irrational in some way. I just want it to end and he doesn’t typically end it (he’d probably say something like, “Because you never give me a chance!”). He can give me the silent treatment for days. So, I’ll normally drop it and that’s exactly what I did.

I told him I loved him on the 9th day. I meant every word of it.

#WishListed: Blog-A-Holic Boyshorts & Sports Bra

The List - For Everyone

I don’t often wear underwear or bras, but I would love to prance around my house in these adorable boyshorts and this comfy looking sports bra. These are products I made for my Zazzle shop, Valerie Rayne’s Swag. Products are slowly being added, but I loved these so much that I wanted to share them with you now.

I plan on getting them before summer!

The sports bra is available in white and yellow – although I personally like the white better. The boyshorts however, are available in white, black, red and blue and I like it on all of them! I plan to get a pair in each of the available colors – because honestly, I could wear anything that says “Blog-A-Holic” on it every single day!

If you would like to view anymore details about these or any of the other products available, please visit Valerie Rayne’s Swag. And to see more items for blog-a-holics, check out the Blog-A-Holic Collection. And now, I wanna know…

Which color boyshorts would you get first?