The Rantings - For Everyone

Must Be Pregnant

This post was written in September 2017 during the beginning of my pregnancy with Baby #7.

The Boyfriend and I basically knew we were pregnant (although hadn’t taken a test yet) and Kaeidyn was catching on. At the time, I was considering “If I’m pregnant, I’m having an abortion. And if I’m not pregnant, I’m getting my tubes tied!” but I was struggling, because I wasn’t sure that I felt that way or was making those considerations because it was what I wanted or because it was what other people wanted.


I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I think it’s mostly just because of the time of the year – weather changing, back-to-school, etc. – but it’s been resulting in me sleeping a lot, having back and stomach pain lots and just generally being in a funk.

Every time that I exhibit any of these “symptoms“, Kaeidyn goes into hardcore, “You’re pregnant!” mode. She’ll ask if I’m sick, I’ll say that I’m not feeling well, she’ll say, “Must be pregnant!” – and while she’s never been right, she always follows up with, “If you get pregnant again, I’m packing my bags and moving out!“.

And I get it! She’s sick of me having babies. Everyone is and I get it. I hear them all shouting at me, “Get your tubes tied! Screw the depression from being on the pill, get on it! Have an abortion!“. I hear it all being screamed at me and I understand where everyone else is coming from and blah blah blah!

But I couldn’t help it. Last night, after hearing almost every day for a week now that I’m pregnant and that is going to result in my 13-year-old daughter running away from home (when none of us even know at this point if I am pregnant, being that I still have a week before we can even count me as being late…), and I just snapped at her.

At first, I was like, “It just breaks my heart that that’s where you go!” and I was just going to leave it at that. But her face, in response to my words, just pissed me off. I suddenly went on a rant – “How anti-feminist of you! Forcing me to make a choice that I don’t want to make about my reproductive life!” and she didn’t seem to care about that argument – which only surprised me because she’s usually so feminist-minded on other issues.

So then I said, and even while I was saying it, I was thinking this isn’t the right argument, but then I said, “How would you feel if I would’ve aborted you when everyone was telling me to? Or any of your brothers? Should I just make all my decisions off of everyone else’s thoughts and opinions?!?“. She basically decided to end the conversation at that point and went up to her room to go to bed. It was already midnight by this point, so after her bedtime anyways.

But now I can’t get the whole thing out of my head.

It’s not that I want another baby. Like I said last night, I think my only response to finding out that I was pregnant again would be to cry for days. I don’t think I want anymore kids, even though The Boyfriend and I have long said that we would like to try for a girl. But I don’t want to end up with 17 boys just to get a girl… And honestly, I’m tired of having babies!!!

I’m ready to do something else with my life other than be pregnant. I’m ready to just raise the family I have instead of continuing to expand it. But I also don’t want the decision to be made for me by my 13-year-old daughter. I don’t want to constantly be threatened with losing her because I don’t want to get my tubes tied or I don’t want to go on birth control. And I know, I know, those aren’t the only options. I know that safe sex is important. I know that I have ways to not get pregnant and if I don’t want kids anymore, I should be using them and blah blah blah. I freaking get it!

But I want to come to the decision to use those methodologies, all on my own. I want to get to the point where I make that decision – not where I’m coerced or forced into making that decision. And it always pisses me off when other people think they should get to have a say in my life, when I’m the one who has to live it, not them.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Kids and Their Freaking Cellphones

I’m officially nearing the end of my rope with these kids and their freaking cellphones.

Ever since Kaeidyn got her cellphone back it has been nothing but attitude and fighting between us. And then a couple days ago, Kenzie found her old phone and started using it. It has been nothing but attitude and fighting between all three of us now…

It is so stupid how unhappy cellphones are making me and I don’t even freaking have one!!!

I’m seriously getting to the point where I am considering taking the phones away from all of them and saying that there will be no more cellphones under my roof unless they are used for work purposes only (because The Boyfriend has to have one for work). Because I’m sick of my kids acting like a bunch of dramatic junkies.

I’m most sick of Kaeidyn who can’t seem to fucking live her life because of this thing that is endlessly glued to her face. She can’t get her homework in on time and she can’t go to bed at a decent hour and she can’t talk to a single person without so much snark and crudeness in her voice. In the last two days, all we’ve talked about is her attitude and that damn cellphone.

Kenzie doesn’t even have the phone for a whole day before his face is glued and all he can talk about is the damn thing. And of course, his attitude suddenly goes into overdrive because now the other kids are jealous that he’s got a cellphone and has games that he gets to play whenever because apparently the rule of no games on school days goes entirely out the window, because it’s a fucking cellphone!!!

And I know I’m not fucking powerless here. I can’t be fucking powerless here. But in the moment that I’m dealing with them and all their cellphone shit, it feels like they have control and I don’t and where the fuck is that coming from?!?

My pregnant body cannot handle the stress that these damn electronics are causing me. It literally feels like the thing that is ruining my life right now. I wake up angry, I go to bed angry and all because of some stupid tiny device and a bunch of wannabe adults.

I’m officially nearing the end of my rope with these kids and their freaking cellphones.

The Rantings - For Everyone

For Way Too Long

It has been too long with all the kids home… way too long!

Way back in the beginning of December, they all got really sick. It hit every single person in the house, even The Boyfriend who normally doesn’t get sick. They missed almost an entire month of school! And then Christmas holidays began…

They have been home for way too long!

While they were home sick, it wasn’t so bad. Everyone was sick, so it was a lot of laziness and cuddling. But they were too sick to have energy. Then, a few days after Christmas break started, they all started feeling better.

They have been home for way too long!

Almost immediately they were unmanageable. I could feel my hair graying on probably the second or third day of healthiness. But they would have these moments, where you were almost grateful they were home and you were getting to experience them like this.

They have been home for way too long!

But then, they got to this point, where they couldn’t stand each other. Carter is seriously a handful and a half. I mean, the kid has energy for days, he’s tough as balls and he likes to be the center of attention. So, him being up in everyone’s face was really starting to get on everyone’s last nerve. Awhile ago…

They have been home for way too long!

And now, it’s just out of control. They have been home for way too long now. They have had too many days pent up in the house. They have had too much togetherness. It’s just too much…

They have been home for way too long!

I feel like I spend all day yelling at them, trying to convince them to be good and ultimately end up with my head in my hands and tears in my eyes. On more than one occasion, I have just stopped fighting with them, arguing with them, trying with them and let them beat the crap out of one another until someone is crying.

They have been home for way too long!

Kaeidyn’s barely been at home at all. She’s been babysitting a lot. There was awhile there where she didn’t have a cellphone and things were going great between us. She was even nice when she found out I was pregnant again. But then she got her phone back and all I’ve gotten from her is attitude, dirty looks and ignorance.

They have been home for way too long!

And don’t even get me started on how messy the house seems now that they’re always in it. Between Keirnan’s LEGO all over the place, Carter’s papers strewn about every single surface and the mess they all seem to make any time they get themselves food, I just feel surrounded by the mess of them.

They have been home for way too long!

And because it’s a break and holiday, their bedtimes are all absolutely screwed up and yet they seem to still wake up at the crack of dawn. Tonight, we were literally fighting with them to go to bed at 2 AM!!! I’m too old to be going to bed at two o’clock in the morning… On a regular basis…

They have been home for way too long!

There have been some benefits to them being home so much. They’re all around all the time, so whenever I suddenly get the urge to clean, I have a bunch of little helpers (not that they’re much help, but at least I don’t feel like I’m doing it alone). Kenzie really likes to take Cazzwell in the morning, so The Boyfriend and I normally get to sleep in a little bit (which is great because I’ve been having terrible sleeps).

But let’s be honest, they have been home for way too long!

The Rantings - For Everyone

Looking Back on 2017

It’s that time of year where everyone looks back on 2017 and looks forward to 2018. I started getting into the spirit over the last couple of days and thought it would be fun to kind of walk down memory lane (which we all know I love to do!) and reminisce on some of the best and worst moments of 2017.

It has felt like an incredibly long year! While I’m surprised we’re already in December, I’m not surprised that an entire year has gone by – because it has felt like it!!!

Here’s some of the more memorable things that happened this year.


I Returned to Blogging

After falling out of love with it over 6 months earlier, I finally returned to blogging! After giving birth to my 5th baby and doing a major redesign of ValerieRayne.com, I was finally ready to begin writing.

In 2017, I wrote a total of 90 posts bringing my total archive up to about 170 posts. I also managed to publish my 100th post! By far, the most popular post this year has been No Longer #FucketListed: An Over-the-Knee Spanking.

Speaking of No Longer #FucketListed…

Not only did I finally check an over-the-knee spanking off the list, which has been on it from the very beginning, I also checked a few other things off the list this year. It’s been exciting to explore.

I finally orgasmed everyday for an entire month, The Boyfriend and I finally had sex outdoors and we even made our own porn for the first time!

WTMFI Wednesdays Returned

Back in 2007, I ran a weekly meme on one of my old blogs called WTMFI Wednesdays. I decided in April of 2017 that I wanted to bring it back. And so the process began and in November 2017, we hosted the first session of WTMFI Wednesdays.

WTMFI Wednesdays
I have been trying hard to participate in every single session and one of my goals for 2018 is to start getting my submissions in on Wednesdays – instead of what I’m doing right now, getting them in whenever I get them done! You can check out my WTMFI Wednesdays submissions here.

Celebrated My 9-Year Anniversary

The Boyfriend and I celebrated 9 years together this summer. It was pretty exciting for both of us honestly and neither of us could shut up about it. I wrote about it, I sang songs about it, we were obsessed!

Can’t imagine what 10 years might be like… 😉

I Got Pregnant… Twice…

First there was the miscarriage. Cazzwell was about 5 months old when we found out that I was pregnant again. We were definitely not ready. I only quickly touched on the miscarriage in 5 Things That Happened During My Hiatus.

Then in August, we discovered that I was pregnant again. We kept this one a secret for a really long time, even though everyone had basically guessed and ultimately we were in a bit of denial ourselves. Boxing Day we finally told everyone.

So, in the Spring we are expecting to have Baby #7! We’re counting it as a pretty big milestone for a few different reasons. We plan for it to be our last baby and it’ll be The Boyfriend’s first baby girl.


All in all, it’s been a crazy eventful year.

I didn’t even talk about all the traveling we did this summer – two trips to Crescent Falls, my first time camping as an adult, and going to Edmonton to see Roger Waters in concert! Or the #EroticLimericks I wrote or all the fin-spiration I gathered in preparation to write The Mermaid (which I have plans of publishing in 2018!). Or our van and a bunch of other stuff getting stolen…

Needless to say, I’m ready for 2017 to be over and for 2018 to begin!!!

The Rantings - For Everyone

This Christmas Season

Thank goodness for The Boyfriend at Christmastime, because without him, Christmas would suck.

Multiple times this year, I threatened to cancel Christmas altogether. I didn’t shop for a single present for a single person. I didn’t wrap a single present for any of the kids. I was officially Scrooge all December and made my opinion about this stupid holiday crystal clear at every waking moment.

Having kids at Christmas really makes you hate this time of year. It’s bad enough the Christmas music, the general cheer, the constant posts arguing about which phrase is politically correct. To deal with a bunch of kids who have no religious reference for Christmas and who don’t believe in Santa, and you end up with a holiday of sheer greed.

The Boyfriend gets all giddy about gift-giving. He really does love to do it, even when it’s not Christmas, but especially when it’s Christmas. Getting toys for the boys is just about his favorite thing of the year. I think it’s because it’s the one time of year when it’s entirely socially acceptable for him to be glued to the toy aisle. And he loves toys!

But they were basically terrible all leading up to Christmas. I kept saying, “If Santa Claus was real, you’d all be on the naughty list getting lumps of coal!”, because they were all just so arrogant, cocky, rude, and misbehaved coming into the Christmas season.

On Christmas Eve, we went to celebrate with my Mom. The kids all got to open more than one present. They should’ve been ecstatic. They opened presents from Uncle first – he had heard that everyone needed pants and so got everyone pants. Every kid, “This isn’t what I wanted!”. Then, they opened presents from Grandma and at least two of them complained about it. I was quite upset at them for the rest of the night for their rudeness and lack of holiday spirit.

The Boyfriend couldn’t imagine not celebrating Christmas with the kids. Even though he kept agreeing with me that our kids didn’t deserve all of this stuff that we were doing and planning for them, he kept on buying presents and obsessing over celebrating. And so, Christmas morning we let them wake us up ridiculously early to open presents.

Luckily, this went far better than the previous present opening.

They loved their gifts. They were all polite and excited. And then once all the presents were opened and the majority of the wrapping paper cleaned up, we revealed the biggest news of the day…

Baby #7 - Coming May 2018

We’ve known for quite awhile that I was pregnant. Basically 4 weeks after it happened. Everyone had basically guessed, but we denied mostly because we were in denial. It was only in the last couple of weeks that we finally went for our first prenatal appointment and subsequent ultrasound.

So finally, after 13 years and 4 boys, we finally get our girl!!!

The Rantings - For Everyone

Pain

I have had some of the worst hip pain of my life over the last couple of weeks. Once it starts to sink in, my leg begins hurting and then my shoulders begin hurting. The pain spreads until I’m completely consumed by it.

I can handle a few days of pain. I can even handle weeks of pain if I get a couple days break in-between. But this constant everyday sort of pain. It wears on you and far more than just physically. It begins to take a toll on your mental well-being. When you wake up in pain, spend your day in pain and go to sleep in pain, it really begins to screw with your outlook on life in general.

So either because of the pain or because of the way the pain affects me or both, I have been sleeping a lot. Correction: I have been in bed a lot. The sleeping has been pretty difficult, especially with the pain, because I’m tossing and turning all night long trying to find a position that doesn’t hurt. I also can’t seem to sleep through any sounds, from the kids getting ready for school in the morning (which used to be my deepest part of sleep) to the cat opening Kaeidyn’s bedroom door with her paw (which is just a barely audible scratch and squeak). By the time the baby is ready to get out of bed, I’ve just finally found the comfy spot and it’s finally quiet in the house.

Luckily, I have been blessed with just about the best boyfriend ever, because he knows that I’m tired. He knows that I’m in pain. And so, he gets up with the baby and lets me get an extra hour of sleep without him in bed, so that I can sprawl out all over the place. However, the last couple of days, the baby has been in need of mom earlier, so I’ve been having to get out of bed, even if I’m dragging my feet all the way.

Don’t even get me started on the ways in which the pain makes me feel like a terrible Mom. More than once in the last week, I have had to apologize to the kids for literally forgetting things they just said to me, for not hearing large chunks of things they’re saying to me – not to mention all the meals I haven’t cooked or all the slack they’ve had to pick up on the cleaning front. Honestly guys, I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many understanding, compassionate and loving people.

I’ve dealt with pain so much in my life, especially ever since The Boyfriend and I started having kids together, that you’d think that I’d deal with it better. You’d think that it wouldn’t drag me down so much. You’d think that I’d have some strategies to deal with it – and strategies that actually work, not just a hot bath that gives me half an hour of uncomfortable relief, but something that actually helped. But the older I get, the worse equipped I am. Pain literally takes me out of the game now.

One of these days, I’ll get around to seeing my doctor about it. It’s been a problem for long enough now that I should probably see a doctor about it. Not that I think there will be any solution. When I was pregnant with Carter, I had severe joint pain – I’m talking really really bad. There were even days that I couldn’t type on the computer – and everyone knows how much that bothers me!!! Felt like I was constantly going for tests, had a handful of hand and knee x-rays done. They gave me topical cream that was supposed to help – it didn’t and just upset my stomach. I often find that pain is a problem that doctors really don’t know that much about – or at least, not in terms of effectively treating it… They try, but it’s often (in my experience) for naught.

I know it will get better, at some point, eventually. But waiting for it has been painful!!!

The Rantings - For Everyone

Master Procrastinator’s Funk

I feel like I’m finally beginning to come out of the funk I feel like I’ve been in for the better part of a month.

Don’t ask me where exactly it was coming from, don’t ask me what was causing it and definitely don’t ask me how I’m managing to come out of it, because I have answers for none of these questions.

It seems like it happens when a series of things feel like failures to me. I get sick after the baby gets sick. I anticipated it and yet, did nothing to prepare. So, for three days, I laid on the couch doing nothing but whining about my sickness – while the world continued to move on around me.

The world of five kids and a partner who is working so hard outside of the house and procrastinators all around, and the world where Mom is too miserable to do anything. So, the dishes pile up and the garbage overflows and the clean laundry ends up all over the floor and no one is eating properly and everyone is just plain moody.

And then I get over my sickness and I realize how disgusting the house is and how unhappy everyone is, and how now I gotta clean all this shit up. And we know I’ll never get to it, because I’m me and just because I play the role of “The Cleaner”, doesn’t mean I’m actually good at it. Master Procrastinator is actually my superhero name!

And the to-do list just becomes so overwhelming that I can’t help but be completely rundown by it. Just emotionally and mentally exhausted. It gets to the point where the only thing I can even bring myself to do is click on decks of cards in Solitaire, in an attempt to numb my brain of all the crap that is going up there…

I’ve heard some people say that being a parent, especially a Mother, is the hardest job in the world. However, I’d like to clarify that being a homemaker – in the most basic sense of the word – is the hardest job in the world.

Sure, raising kids is hard. But it’s incredibly intuitive. It all comes to you by instinct. Well, that and common-sense. Yes, it’s overwhelming and exhausting in its own right. Yes, you have to actively put effort and time into it. Yes, it’s not easy at all.

But take away all the homemaking aspects, and it becomes a lot easier. Take away the bills to pay, take away the rent. Take away school and schedules and making and preparing meals that are not only, to some degree nutritious, but that your kids will also eat. Take away housecleaning and laundry and dishes for days. Take away all these things, and the job becomes a heck of a lot less overwhelming, time-consuming, mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Add into it my own self-imposed deadlines for stuff that I’m supposed to be getting done online – stuff that I started, stuff that I want to work on, stuff that I want to finish – and yet, with those deadlines looming I just feel paralyzed every time I try to get anything done. I’ve written before about staring at the screen just mindlessly clicking through tabs, not able to focus on anything for longer than half a second. Just feeling bogged down by it.

Ugh, I’m going to get over it all. I swear. It seems like one day I’ve got a handle on all of it, and then the next day I just can’t do anything. I hate these times…

The Rantings - For Everyone

I Know That It Won’t Last Long

You know it’s been a long time since you last blogged, when your kids start asking, “Mom, why aren’t you working on your blog?!?“.

The biggest reason: I’ve been sick and the baby’s been sick. I spent almost two weeks just feeling right out of sorts, and then the baby is teething and I think had a bit of an ear infection. We’re both on the mend now, but man, were those some rough days. The other kids haven’t gotten sick yet, but they were all saying they could feel it coming today – especially after the last two days of very cold rain.

In my time of sickness, not only did I sleep a lot, I also watched a lot of Netflix, completely curled up on the couch. Documentaries like you wouldn’t believe, which results in me just needing to know everything I can about any given topic – it’s been a little ridiculous. I’ve been a wealth of historical knowledge over the past few days!

I think I’ve also been trying to get used to all the new routines around here and it’s just throwing me off my game. Specifically, now that The Boyfriend’s on these evening shifts, he comes home for lunch. Which means, it’s really nice for me to have dinner on the table when he gets home (I don’t have to, it’s just nice). The whole kids coming home from school (and the anxiety and stress that that always seems to bring me) to having to get dinner ready earlier, has been such a huge adjustment. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to this place where it doesn’t feel like the most overwhelming part of my life!

However, having The Boyfriend around so much while I’m awake – that is a hugely welcome change. Even if all we do is sit and do nothing, it’s nice to have him there. It’s really been great to get to sleep with him at night. I still haven’t fully gotten used to him coming off nights, and so often forget that he’s going to be in bed with me. More than once, he’s looked at me in utter confusion as I talk about wishing he’d be there to keep me warm. He does have a week of upcoming graveyard shifts, which I’m dreading entirely, but it’ll be the last one. Maybe then I’ll get it through my head 😉

The kids have all been doing so wonderful, I’m actually a little surprised. From helping to take care of me and Cazz when we were sick, to be totally understanding about our lack of finances right now, to helping out around the house and even enjoying the heck out of school. The most we’ve had to deal with is Kenzie having minor meltdowns shortly after getting home from school (which I know are a result of him waking up too early in the morning) and Keirnan not being capable of using his brain (which I know is the age that he’s at, because Kenzie and Kaeidyn both went through the same thing – where they just suddenly don’t have common sense for a little bit. You tell them, “Put the dishes away” and they literally need step-by-step instructions to get through a draining rack!!! I blame it on horomones!). Otherwise, it’s been pretty amazing!

I know that it won’t last long…
Kaeidyn is quickly coming up on her 13th birthday. I can remember 13 so well.
I know that it won’t last long…
Kenzie’s in middle school now, it’s his first year. That’s always so rough.
I know that it won’t last long…
Keirnan’s the oldest in the school now. He gets to be big brother.
I know that it won’t last long…
Carter’s gonna really start feeling the pressure of school this year.
I know that it won’t last long…
Cazzwell’s going to start walking any day now. And getting into everything!
I know that it won’t last long…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Birthdays & Back-To-School

This is probably the first summer ever that I have not been totally overwhelmed by the kids. That was, until this morning…

Most summers, by this point, I’m almost literally pulling my hair out in frustration. Normally, I’m yelling all the time because it feels like no one is listening. Typically, I can’t wait for school to start back up just to get a break from them. But this summer hasn’t really felt like that.

They’ve all been so great this summer. I mean, they’ve been kids – so it’s been a handful and a half. There’s also a baby, been a handful and a half. But, they’ve all been helpful, they’ve all been well-behaved and relatively well-mannered. They’ve still been themselves, attitudes and all, but I haven’t felt utterly overwhelmed by them.

However, I woke up today and I’ve just been in this mood. This place, this state-of-mind, and I just suddenly feel entirely consumed by motherhood.

It’s back-to-school. It’s gotta be. It starts tomorrow and I feel like we’ve never been less prepared. Again, I know in my rational brain that we are this unprepared almost every year. Kaeidyn pointed out to me yesterday that this year is no different from last in terms of unpreparedness. But, it hit me like a ton of bricks today immediately upon waking.

I woke up just irritated and annoyed and I can’t seem to shake the feeling. Every time one of the kids makes a sound, I’m having to take a deep breath not to snap at them. Kenzie talks back and I immediately feel personally attacked – like he’s trying to pick a fight with me. And it has nothing to do with them at all and everything to do with me…

I hate when I feel like a total failure as a parent, as a Mom. It’s this time of year, I swear.

Four out of five of the kids have birthdays all one right after another – all at a time when we can’t do anything special for anyone’s birthdays because we’ve just spent every extra penny on school supplies. Which we haven’t even done yet because of the way paydays worked this year. Yet another thing that just stacks against me. It’s not the first time it’s happened – it happens more often than I’d like to admit – and we always figure it out and roll with it and make it work. But it just feels like crap.

My baby also turns one tomorrow…

I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about that. Every time anyone mentions it, I just groan loudly. How did it go by so fast?!? I mean, I remember it going fast with all the other kids, but not this fast. It doesn’t feel like he’s been around for that long. And don’t even get me started on how much I hate the ages we’re getting close to.

I’ve gone through toddlerhood four times now and hated every single moment of it, every single time. I can say pretty confidently that I despise toddlerhood. Teenagehood is being hard, but toddlerhood was harder. Toddlerhood is physically, mentally, emotionally hard. Other age stages are one or two of those things – physically and mentally hard or mentally and emotionally hard – but toddlerhood packs it all into one punch. One punch that lasts a number of years!

I hate that I’m feeling it all the day before back-to-school. It was supposed to hit a week ago so that I could deal and process before the ultimate stress began. But having it hit all at once like this, and not having the excuse of “I’m in the hospital in labor” like last year, is just making my day a crappy day.

Is it bedtime yet?!?

The Rantings - For Everyone

Waiting for Sunday

These last few days have seemed incredibly long.

It’s probably because The Boyfriend has had me up out of bed before 8 AM, and then the day doesn’t end for me until after midnight. That’s a long ass day! I’ve also been able to get a lot done in those hours and still have hours left over to just sit and do nothing, so that is adding to the long feeling.

The older kids come home this Sunday, and save for the fact that I already know they’ve got back-to-school on their brains, I’m really excited about them finally being home. We hadn’t planned for them to be out there this long this time around, but it just worked out that way, and I started missing them awhile back. So this last little bit has just been impatiently waiting for their return.

It’s just been Cazzwell and Carter at home for the last little while. You’d think it would be easier, but my almost year old baby is a huge handful. Honestly, it’s easier with all the kids home because they can help keep him entertained. Carter only has so much patience for a baby before he’s like, “Well, you’re boring!“. And he is starting to move a lot, like hard to catch, move a lot. I feel like I spend my days right now chasing him around and telling him “No“, over and over again. He’s also been screwing with his sleep schedule, so that’s been a terrible way to end my days, because he normally ends on a grumpy note.

After tonight, The Boyfriend has another two days off. I always love when his holidays work out in such a way where his first week back at work is mostly days off. I think it’s been something like 2 days on, 2 days off, 2 days on, 2 days off – something like that. On the one hand, it sucks because he spends almost all of those days tuckered from giving up sleep here and replacing it there and screwing with his sleep schedule (maybe that’s where the baby gets it from…), but on the other hand, it’s great because it feels like he’s around a lot more.

So we’ve made plans for Sunday to go for a drive. In his hunts for places to go he’s come across Ram River Falls and his Mom has basically mapped out a cool road for us to check out, so it sounds like we’re going to be trying that out. And tomorrow, we’ve got big cleaning plans so that I can have the back of our van back – which hasn’t really been gone through since we got it back from when it was stolen. I imagine tomorrow is going to be long and stressful and then the next day, adventurous and awesome!

Honestly, just writing it all out has made me ready for bed…

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Holidays Are Over

The Boyfriend officially went back to work last night after a week long holiday.

We dropped the kids off at Alfie’s a few days before he started holidays. It was such a good drive out there and the kids absolutely loved having all the room in the truck. The drive home was long and boring and it felt so good to finally be home.

It seemed like almost as soon as we dropped the kids off, our days got really busy. We’d wake up to messages or phonecalls early in the morning and then be gone from the house all day. For almost an entire week straight, we did stuff almost every single day.

We spent one day at Gull Lake, which ended up not being as fun as we were hoping it would be, but also ended up being an absolutely great time. The plan was to go out on this big inflatable island that everyone’s been obsessing about. But everyone ended up being more interested on sitting on the beach or playing in the water. It was quite a gross muggy day and it was really smoky from all the fires out in BC, so I mostly laid in the sun.

Then, we did another Drumheller trip so that The Boyfriend’s Dad could see it. We even got to go see the hoodoos – which were exciting but again, not like what I had built it up in my head to be. It was ridiculously hot when we went and everyone else seemed to have way more energy than me. At one point, the whole family was up climbing on these rocky hills, where everyone was climbing, and I was just standing on the little platform watching them. The museum was pretty much the same, except this time we only had two kids to pay attention to, so we were actually able to read some of the signage and such. By the end of that day, I was very sore! Lots and lots and lots of walking – and unlike last time, I wore my flip flops this time, which is not a good idea when you’re going on an adventure…

We also did another Crescent Falls trip. Normally the drive into the falls really scares me – it’s pretty steep and the road is gravel and it gets really narrow and curves. You even have to drive through water at one point. We’ve been there so many times now though that I took the drive into the falls like it was nothing.

The Boyfriend and Carter went on a 3-hour long hike to get to “the other falls” – although again, I think everyone was expecting it to be way more exciting than it was, so came back a little defeated. I hung out on the rocks by the river with Cazzwell for all that time. Thankfully, my mom-in-law is a genius and somehow manages to create something out of nothing, and we weren’t sitting in the sun all day, because it was an incredibly hot day. It cooled off fast in the evening, but during the day, sweltering!

We also went out for an adults-only dinner – which was super nice. The Boyfriend got dressed up in his vest and had recently picked me out a pair of heels, so I even got dressed up to go – wore a dress and heels in public for the first time in a really long time, like stupid long time! It was nice to feel fancy, even if we looked totally out of place among all the other dinner-goers.

It’s been so nice being down the three kids just for the sake of cleaning. Cazzwell is officially at the age where he’s getting into everything. He’s figured out how to climb the stairs, he crawls off the couch and he moves really fast. Plus, everything (and I mean, everything!) goes into his mouth. He pulls things off shelves to put in his mouth, he squeezes underneath of things to find something to put in his mouth. And his toys (which he barely has any of), end up absolutely everywhere. How did it get it in the bathroom? I don’t know, he’s never even been in there. But somehow, his toy is…

Dishes has been the greatest break. Doing one load of dishes a day and being completely done them is so much better than doing three loads of dishes a day and still having some left (that you forgot on the stove…). So much nicer when a plastic container meant for leftovers isn’t used as a bowl for cereal or when a fork is used as a fork instead of replacing a spoon that people were too lazy to wash. It always drives me nuts that over the years I’ve collected about 14 – 16 plates, and a family of 6 should theoretically need no more than 6 of those a day – and yet, at the end of the day when they’re all home, my sink is filled with 14 – 16 plates… It’s so much nicer to just have to wash a couple of those a day than all of them.

I’m definitely looking forward to the kids coming home. I started missing them really fast this time and especially with us going out so much and doing things so much. I always feel bad when they miss out on these big family adventures – even though, a) they’re having their own family adventures up there and b) they’re normally not that interested in our big family adventures. But I still hate when they miss it! I don’t even know right now when they will be coming home – a bunch of dates have been thrown out. Basically, once their family reunion is over.

However, I’m also not looking forward to the kids coming home because once they do, it’s almost immediately time to start getting ready for school. Have I ever told you how much I absolutely hate back-to-school? It’s probably my most hated time of year, because it is just so mind-numbingly stressful. It’s scream-into-your-pillow kinda stressful, cry-yourself-to-sleep kinda stressful, hate-the-world kinda stressful. This year has the added stress of another kid entering middle school. I’m just not looking forward to all that stress!

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We Got “Our Baby” Back

It’s been a few weeks since our van was stolen. After a week, they found her but she needed to get a few repairs. They also completely cleaned her for us. And today, we officially took back possession of our van. I have felt amazing all day!

I had no problem falling out of love with the truck after pressing down on the brake pedal of “our baby” again. I immediately remembered all the reasons I loved her and how much I had missed her and “screw that truck!”. Thank goodness too, because I thought I’d always be wishing for that beautiful driving experience, but nope!

Then, went down to Heritage Ranch and looked at the horses and let Cazzwell crawl around in the grass. It was such a beautiful day – just the right kind of hot as long as there was shade about, clear blue skies that went on forever and this most splendidly gentle breeze. It was hard to go back inside, but glad that I did because the house was so cool!!!

The Boyfriend had mentioned that he had heard rumors that The Sims 4 was coming to console. Upon returning from our visit with the horses, I got word straight from the horses mouth that yes, The Sims 4 is coming to console. And had a little mini game-gasm. YAY!!!

Now the plan for the rest of the night is to clean my living room, write a few blog posts (since I’ve got a few things on my mind), and then I think I’m going to work on The Mermaid. And then, I’m going to veg and try to finish Switched at Birth before going to bed. Sounds like a great way to cap off a great day!

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So Excited!!!

Before we get started: Did you notice the change?!? 

If you’ve been here before, you’ll notice that the theme has been updated! I was starting to become bored with the old one and just wasn’t finding inspiration in it. So, after saving this one over a month ago as an option, I finally just took the plunge and did it! Glad I did too, because I realized that there’s some things I need to work on updating – so that’s mostly what I’ve been up to and you’ll probably notice little changes over the coming days.

But now, onto the reason for this post…


I’m so excited!!! Like giddy and restless kind of excited. It’s kinda exciting 😉

I’m excited for a lot of reasons. First and foremost, 3 out of 5 of the kids are going away for a couple weeks. I’m super excited about it because 4 boys is a lot of work – like, a lot of work. They have a lot of energy and they all like being near each other, but can’t stand each other, so it’s been a lot of playfighting and arguing and “It wasn’t me, It was him“‘s. My brain and body could definitely use the break!

Part of the major excitement surrounding getting rid of the kids is getting to drive them out to their Dad’s. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away, so to drop them off is an almost 5 hour trip. Most of the time we try to work out dropping them off halfway. But, The Boyfriend and I have been desperate to take a long highway trip in the rental truck that we got after the van was stolen.

We hate that we love this thing so much. When we got our van, it was my dream vehicle. He wanted something sportier, but partially practicality and partially because he likes to make dreams come true, we got the van. And she’s “our baby” and we love her. But… this truck is pretty darn incredible.

I hate that I like a truck. I am not a truck person. However, driving this thing is amazing! I’m in love with the digital speedometer (something I never thought I’d enjoy, but really use a lot through school zones – as I have a tendency to go too slow through them), there is a row of three seats in the front (which I really love for the kids and because I’ve always dreamed of sitting cuddled up next to my lover on long drives), and the thing drives beautifully. Responsive, fast, powerful.

Then, The Boyfriend has two nights off. Works two nights and then begins his week-long holiday. I am so excited! To the point where it’s the only thing we have talked about for days. Every time I ask him to, “Tell me something interesting“, his first response is, “Almost holidays!!!“. And we’ll be down 3 kids for his holidays! Did I tell you yet, I’m totally super excited!!!

We don’t really have any plans for the holiday. He really wants to do camping again, just me and him and the kids that will be here – Carter’s really wanting to go again too. I’ve told him I’m definitely down, but who knows if we’ll get up that kind of energy. He also really wants to go for a drive to the mountains and has spent a huge majority of his time looking at maps to see what catches his interest. His Dad is also in town for part of his holidays, so there will be lots of family time ahead of us.

I imagine that it won’t be much of a relaxing week, but it’ll be great to have him around and especially in my bed every night!

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One Hell of a Week

Let me just start by telling you, this has been one hell of a week…

We’ll start with camping. The drive out there seemed to take forever and I was absolutely shocked at how well The Boyfriend did considering he had worked the night before and hadn’t gotten any sleep yet. It took us longer than we had hoped to get out of town, but we kinda figured that would happen. The older three kids ended up staying at friends’ houses, so we only had to take the younger two boys with us – which meant that our van had tons of room for all the stuff.

The drive into Crescent Falls, down a windy gravel road that looked as if it was tearing away at the edges, had both Carter and I gripping onto our seats and he was frantically telling Daddy that he didn’t like “this“. It took us a bit to find where the family had begun setting up the campsite and both Carter and I felt great relief when the van finally came to a stop.

It took awhile to get everything all set up – we had two tents to get assembled, air mattresses and an inflatable pool (which made the most awesome playpen for Cazzwell) and getting the fire going while we were all distracted by the beautiful spot we had picked out – it was a few hours before we finally got to set out our camping chairs and sit around the fire, ready to eat the corn on the cob and hamburgers we had to cook in creative ways since a few bags had been left behind.

The night seemed to go on forever. We stayed up into the wee hours of the night, until the sky was finally dark and there wasn’t a space in it without stars. I gripped onto The Boyfriend tightly and breathed through the fear. He said, “When you’re ready to go to the tent, just let me know” and I responded, “You will not hear me say I am ready to go to the tent, so you just let me know!“.

I was most surprised at how easily I fell asleep. The water was incredibly loud and you could hear all sorts of bugs and creatures making chirping noises. It was also freezing cold – I was wearing two sweaters, two pairs of pants, and slept with two blankets on and was still cold. But tucked in between The Boyfriend and Carter on one side and Cazzwell on the other, their rhythmic breathing and combined heat – not to mention the little solar light that was placed outside our tent flashing in a way that reminded me of an alarm clock – I ended up falling asleep within no time. I woke up a couple times during the night, but didn’t have any problems falling back asleep.

The morning was probably my favorite time. The Boyfriend got up with the kids and let me stay sleeping in the tent, as the sun rose and the fire was started and everyone began waking up. By the time he came to wake me up for breakfast, I felt utterly refreshed and was absolutely surprised that I walked out of the tent with a smile on my face!

It wasn’t long before we were packing up to head home. The whole thing just whizzed by us. We had hardly had a chance to really enjoy anything and The Boyfriend was incredibly upset that we hadn’t gotten to go out and explore once. Packing up the camp was super easy and we were all really excited to be back on the road. I even got to drive a huge part of the way back home and everyone in the car fell asleep – which made me feel like a great driver. We got home, we were exhausted!!!

We unpacked what needed to be unpacked from the van right away, left the rest and went to bed. Sleep came so easily for all of us and it was a deep sleep. The kids had school the next morning and The Boyfriend woke up to get everyone out the door. He looks out the back window and realizes the van isn’t there. Ensue panic…

I get woken up and after he’s already called the cops to report the van missing, I realize that my laptop isn’t where I left it. Nor is my phone. And then I remember that my brand new camera, that we had just bought for camping, was plugged into the laptop and is also nowhere to be found. The cops get called again for an update and then insurance and car rental place and just ugh…

Honestly, I’ve never been so glad that absolutely all of that stuff is entirely in The Boyfriend’s name, because he had to make all the phone calls and deal with all the people. We had insurance come over to take statements from both of us and that has been a bit of gong show, but for the most part, I’ve just had to sit back and see what happens. However, the poor Boyfriend…

They found our van after a week of it being missing. From what we know so far, everything that was in it when it went missing is still in it. Now it’s spending time getting fixed up and re-keyed (which is surprisingly expensive and thankfully, since they came into our house and took the key, is likely covered by insurance), but it’ll probably be at least a week before we get it back.

It took me a few nights to sleep at home afterwards, since it was clear that they had come inside the house. Then it took me even longer to finally start sleeping up in my room again. However, I’m still having a hard time sleeping at night and get my best sleep in the morning, once every one is awake.

To make this last week more stressful, school is out now…

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When She Talks About Dying…

It doesn’t hit me until two days later
When we’re driving around
And I realize that that joke she told
Or that plan she made
Was actually a morbid admission
Of her pending death
And her unbearable pain
And the overwhelming burden
That she feels like she is
Because she is dying
As we all do
But she’s been given a death sentence
And is sick and tired of playing positive
And is shoving the reality down our throats
So that we will be prepared
“When my time comes!”
Which was supposed to happen a week ago
But it didn’t and now she’s on
“Borrowed time” and is “past her expiry date”
So she jokes a little harder
Plans a little more impulsively
Checking the items of the doomsday list
And you don’t want to miss a moment
Of the rest of her life
Even though it shatters your heart
Two days later as you’re driving around
When she talks about dying

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Anxiety from the Idea of Camping

When I was a kid, I had a few camping experiences that turned me off of camping altogether.

There was an earwig in the tent the first time I ever slept in one. Someone told the kids they crawled into your ears. I hated tents. The first time I went camping, for real camping, was the first time I ever spent a huge chunk of time away from my parents – in another province across the country with a bunch of strangers, half of whom spoke French, a language that is still utterly foreign to me.

We had to canoe to the tiny island we were sleeping on. I had burnt my finger on a woodburner and was terribly miserable. Plus, I was in a cabin with a bunch of girls who basically hated my guts, so sleeping in the tent full of them, scared of the possibility of earwigs, sucked!!! Then, I had to pee desperately, but someone had said that there were Sasquatch on this island and I swore I saw one (chances are,  it was just another camper going pee…), so I stayed in my tent until the sun came up holding my pee in, crying, while everyone else slept soundly. I woke up the next morning to really bad sunburn on my nose…

My next and last camping experience really put the nail in the coffin.

I’d been at the same school for about three years (the longest I ever stayed at one school) and had been the butt of some pretty harsh bullying. I remember being called “bra-lady” because someone had seen my sports bra in gym class. I remember a lot of getting picked on because of how skinny I was – lots of “do you ever eat?” and “she must throw it all up afterwards” and “I can see your bones! It’s gross!“. And the girls were especially mean to me, not entirely sure why. So, the idea of spending 3 days on a mountaintop with these people was already unappealing.

We arrived and had to take a rickety carriage ride up the side of a steep mountain pulled by two huge and terrifying Clydesdales. They made me, and me alone, sit up front with the old man who laughed when I squeaked as the seat rattled beneath me. We had to walk the remainder of the way up this mountainside to get to the main camping area.

Wooden platforms covered in tarp is how we slept. There was a good six inches between the top of the platform and the bottom of the tarp and the mosquitoes were out of control. The water we drank was warm and the only food I ate the whole time we were there was bread, because the idea of beans totally grosses me out. The whole group that I bunked with were some of my worst bullies and picked on me for every reason they could possibly find.

We had two activities we were allowed to do during the day. Ride horses or go mountain biking. I desperately wanted to ride the horses – there weren’t enough of them, I was too afraid. So, I go mountain biking, but no one tells me that the brakes work differently on a mountain bike. I don’t remember how I fell, but I ended up wrapped up in the bike and one of the supervisors had to come and untangle me – in front of everyone!!!

I went home covered in bites and bruises – literally and metaphorically!!!

Ever since, I have basically said, I won’t camp. I don’t like camping. Camping is not for me.

However, The Boyfriend and his family absolutely love camping. They all have very fond memories of camping with very skilled campers. His Mom has been saying for years that she’s going to take us out camping – she knows how to do it right – she assures me that all these problems I’ve had in the past won’t exist when we go camping, because she’ll make sure I have a great time. She’s never been wrong!

Today, we’re up there visiting and the camping plan begins. Most years, it begins and everyone gets real excitement but then we all realize the burden of our lives and it just gets pushed back another year. But this year, it began, everyone got real excited and then, everyone realized how possible it was. For the first time, it’s possible.

And… Queue panic attack…

I have an issue with the vastness of space. The unknowns of the universe. 

The first time I looked at the moon through a telescope, I got dizzy and lightheaded and then I got scared – really scared. When I see northern lights, I panic about how fast they are moving and I can feel the earth rotate beneath me. When we went out to utter darkness to watch the Perseid Meteor Shower, I couldn’t get out of the van because I was frozen in the fear.

I don’t want to have another bad camping experience.

I don’t want to be sitting in the tent in the middle of the night, under the vastness of space, heart racing, palms sweating, unable to sleep, surrounded by people and yet being entirely alone! I don’t want to be pestering an exhausted camper to stay awake with me when the irrational anxiety hits after the fire has burnt out…

I want to do it. I want to go camping so bad and have this experience that everyone insists is possible!

But, the idea of it… The thought of it… Absolutely terrifies me…

The Rantings - For Everyone

The Beginning of Teenagehood

I have been ridiculously tired. Like nap everyday tired…

I’ve barely been on my computer over the last week, which is entirely abnormal for me. And when I do get on my computer, I’m just not motivated to do anything. I click into all the projects, tabs open like crazy. Then, I just sit there reloading the page. I’ve been here so many times before…

In general, I am feeling unproductive and unmotivated lately. I just feel like I don’t have the mental capacity to do it all, when my brain is so filled with so much other stuff right now.

Kaeidyn has been seriously so difficult to deal with. I’ve attempted to write about it so many times and I just keep feeling loss for words. I expected teenagehood, especially with her, to be incredibly hard – but I figured I had another two years before I was going to be in the thick of it. And while I know that we’re not even close to thick yet, it’s feeling really heavy to deal with.

I’ve had to be the type of Mom that I hate being a lot lately. The lecturing, hovering, up-in-your-business, disciplinarian Mom. I hate being that Mom. I hate having to use the “I’m the parent” card. I hate having to make a rule and then stick to it hard and fast. I hate it. I hate that I’m constantly having this internal war with myself about how much to let her get away with and then having to use my brain to come up with consequences that teach lessons about values and character. And trying to explain these things to a 12-year-old…

I’ve ranted about her use of language in the past. I thought swearing was really going to be the worst of our problems, but I’m learning that I was wrong. It started when she began saying to baby Cazzwell that she was going to punch him in the face – something that we attributed to us getting her to watch him too much. Now, out of nowhere, she is insisting on calling him a crackhead – every time she sees him, or if he looks at her, or if she’s being loving towards him, she calls him a crackhead.

The one that bothers me the most though, and that she’s just pushing like crazy, is the constant talk of killing herself or wanting to die or hoping she chokes. And it’s not in some depressed, “I’m so sad, I’m going to kill myself” way, it is very much like we’ll be sitting there watching a show and randomly, out of nowhere, she’ll suddenly say, “I want to die!“. And when I get upset, because of course I do, she smirks and carries on as if she didn’t just utterly destroy me.

I keep trying to tell her that she doesn’t realize how what she’s saying is affecting the people around her. How does she think it makes people who have actually attempted suicide feel when she goes off about killing herself? Does she think it’s okay to call little babies “crackhead”? Does she really need to talk like that?

But nothing I say or do seems to be making much of a change at all. 

After over a week of dealing with her crap, The Boyfriend and I decide it’s time to take her cellphone away. Of course, she basically just ignores us – which we had sorta anticipated. So then, she gets told to come home right after school the next day. Instead, she doesn’t come home until after dinner. When asked where she was, she shrugs her shoulders, “Down by the river with friends” and acts as if she shouldn’t be in trouble. So then she got grounded and her cellphone got taken away and hidden.

However, this whole thing has basically not worked out at all. She has basically managed to get away with using her cellphone everyday and because it was pre-planned, is spending the weekend babysitting – in a different city, might I add. Needless to say, I know that my kid is getting the message that punishment means absolutely nothing around here.

And it’s terrible, because it is the one thing that The Boyfriend has always said that I suck at. Consistency in consequences. And I’ve always known that he’s not wrong, but when it’s like this, I feel like he gets to do his “I told ya so” dance all the time. And especially with Kaeidyn. He doesn’t feel very comfortable being the disciplinarian – I don’t make it easy for him (and neither does she…). So I can’t even be like, “You think you can do better? Be my guest!“. Ugh…

I officially do not like being a parent to a teenage daughter. It’s a lot of brain work. It’s consuming to a degree that I don’t think you can ever be prepared for. I just have no energy for anything. She has taken it all out of me. Not to mention the four boys… Don’t even get me started!

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And… Release…

It feels like it’s been an exceptionally long couple of days. 

Cazzwell has been sick, again. I feel like he gets sick a lot. It’s the amount of kids we have and the rapidly changing weather, it’s gotta be. But this one is just being rough!

He has been one heck of a grumpy baby. More than once, I’ve had to set him down and walk away and just let him cry for a few minutes, because it gets to be so overwhelming. It always tends to feel like he’s only grumpy for me – although the logical and rational me knows that that is only because he spends the most amount of time with me – in the moment when he’s just not giving up, the irrational side of me takes over and I just think, “My baby hates me!”.

My sleep schedule is absolutely all over the place and has been for about a week and a half. I’m lucky if I’m averaging 4 hours a night. I seem to have a lot of energy though. I stay up almost all night, sleep for a couple hours before the baby wakes up ridiculously early, doze while he’s playing in bed beside me until The Boyfriend gets home from work, and then I’m up again. I’m hoping something will give soon there because I can foresee it officially being too much in a day or two.

The two eldest kids have been trying my patience a great deal this week too.

Kaeidyn has technically been doing it for awhile now and it just keeps seeming to get worse and worse with her – which is to be expected but that does not make it any less trying. In this last week alone, two new rules have been created for her. She’s been missing a lot of school, making a lot of decisions without asking parents (like messaging me after she’s already at her friend’s house across town, “I’m staying here tonight!“, instead of messaging me beforehand and asking for permission…), and her snarky attitude is constantly present.

I’ve been trying to touch her and cuddle her more. She had pointed out awhile back that I was always saying that I loved the boys but never saying it to her. I hadn’t even noticed to be honest. There was awhile back there where she didn’t like hearing it and so, I guess I stopped saying it so much. So, I’ve been trying to be more affectionate to her, letting her know that she is truly loved. At first, she would flinch every time I’d stroke her hair or give me a dirty look if I said anything nice to her, acting like I was some weird alien species. It must be working though because she has actually come and sat on the couch next to me just to cuddle.

Eventually, we’ll figure this shit out…

Kenzie is following directly in his older sister’s footsteps. In this last week, I have literally had to yell over top of him that I didn’t want to hear his arguments anymore. He will take the most minor things and blow them up to huge proportions and have an absolute meltdown. He used to storm up to his room, slam his door and go to sleep. But now, he’ll stand there and just yell at you and argue with you. It is absolutely sucking the life out of me!

He’s now got a group of friends too, just like his sister. And because she was allowed to do such and such at his age, he immediately thinks that he gets to do it too. He doesn’t remember that, to some degree, Kaeidyn had to earn all that stuff. So, he’ll go to his friend’s house and then without telling anyone, leaves his friend’s house and ends up at another friend’s house. Or they’ll go to a park without telling any parents. Or he won’t come home from school until dinnertime. He also forgets, just like Kaeidyn, that he has to ask permission.

Carter has not been understanding the word “no” lately.

It’s a very fluid word for him. He thinks every little variation to the plan will change the answer. “Well, if this happened…” and he will constantly ask over and over again. You’d think he’d forget about it or something, but the next day, he’s still asking hoping the answer will change. And when you finally have had enough and get upset at him for not understanding the no, he pouts and pouts and acts like you’re the cruelest person in the world and like you’re being unfair only to him. And then the asking begins again…

Keirnan is the only kid that I have no real huge complaints about!

He’s been a great helper this last little while, which is such a change from just a little while ago. When I’m feeling frustrated with Cazzwell, he jumps in and takes over and is the best big brother you could ask for. When I need help making food or cleaning up a mess, as long as I say I need help, he gets up and goes about helping out. I think he’s been enjoying the feeling of taking care of things. He has been angry a lot towards Carter, which has been a struggle to figure out how to deal with, but I can’t always blame him for feeling like that towards his little brother, because Carter can be a real handful. And he seems to gravitate towards being annoying to Keirnan.

You punch a monkey so many times and eventually the monkey’s going to punch back!

I have been incredibly unproductive this last week too. I had a good two weeks of some seriously epic productivity. I was getting stuff done left and right, writing lots, keeping the main floor pretty darn clean, motivating the family to do their part. And then, it just all went out the window. I’ve spent this last week mostly glued to my computer, mostly wasting time and mostly trying to ignore the world around me. There’s been lots of game and Star Wars talk happening and I’m just not interested. I’m not interested in being interested this time around. I’m not even interested in faking interest. So, I’ve been trying to just kinda zone out and stay that way.

I’m hoping that The Boyfriend’s next two days off will give me some time to decompress from this last week. To have some sort of release. Have a bit of kid-free time, no electronics and hopefully really nice weather. In a perfect world, we would go for a drive somewhere and now that I have my ID, The Boyfriend would finally take me out drinking or dancing or something. Just something adult, for grown-ups.

I need to have some sort of experience because I’m starting to feel cooped up in all of it.

The Rantings - For Everyone

Still Snowing

It has felt like a very long couple of weeks. Very long. And I expect that it’s going to take awhile for everyone to recover.

In my last post, I was freaking out a little bit about our annual inspection. The Boyfriend worked incredibly hard and we ended up having no problems passing. We were a bit surprised, because we both felt incredibly unprepared, even though we pulled multiple overnighters. But, we’re all good for another year!

My sister also moved to town and then her kids came to visit her and because Mom’s boyfriend was in town, everyone ended up at my house. So I had three days of extra people here – which was amazing and awesome and probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do all year. It felt like a lot of work, probably because I’m not used to dealing with that many people.

By The Boyfriend’s second day off, we were itching for alone time. Quiet time. We finally got it last night and we both soaked it up like crazy. Even ended up getting rid of Cazzwell in the morning and slept the entire day away – which was so desperately needed after a series of very late nights and ridiculously early mornings. Hopefully, now that the big stressful stuff is done, The Boyfriend and I will finally be able to get on some sort of more-regular sleep routine.

The kids are all doing pretty good. Kaeidyn has been pushing her luck a lot lately and her attitude has been wildly out of control. I ended up taking her phone away from her for a few days because I just couldn’t get over how she was treating everyone. The way she talks sometimes just absolutely astounds me. She can be so angry for absolutely no reason and has the ability to just break your heart with her words. I see a lot of “consequences” in her future.

Kenzie, Keirnan and Carter have all been pretty darn amazing. They’ve been helping keep up on the cleaning ever since the inspection and have all been having fun taking turns “babysitting” Cazzwell – really, the adults are just in another room (like when I make dinner) – but they don’t care about that. They’ve even been getting along better, although Carter has been having a great time playfighting lately.

Cazzwell is growing up way way way too fast. Pulling himself up on everything now and he is just so ready to be on the move. He crawls so fast! He’s gotten into yelling as loud as he can for absolutely no reason and for such a small kid, he’s the loudest of the bunch. We’ve been attempting to get him on more solid foods and sometimes it seems to go great and other times, it’s a bit of a pain. There isn’t too much that he really enjoys eating lately and for the most part, he just makes a big mess.

I ended up spending the three days that my sister was here completely off my computer. I haven’t done that in awhile and definitely not while we still had internet. It was surprising to me how easy it was. Normally, I’m itching after a few hours. This time, day three I started to notice. I’m working on a few different projects right now, so I’m super glad to finally be able to concentrate on that stuff. Hopefully, I’ll get one of the projects done very soon.

It’s snowing a lot lately. We had a week of really warm weather – like, wear your t-shirt outside weather. Then, big globs of snow. And while the snow only lasts half the day and mostly melts before nightfall, waking up in the mornings to nothing but white in the middle of spring is just so utterly depressing! I am desperate for warmth and sun and blue skies – and based on the weather right now, it’s going to be a very short burst of that before we go back to winter. It’s very sad.

Who else is still getting snow? Rant about it with me in the comments below!