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The Rantings - For Everyone

The Late-Term Ultrasound

So went for that late-term ultrasound I was talking about

As I’ve said before, I have a lot of anxiety surrounding these types of ultrasounds. Basically any late-term tests will make just about any Mom nervous, but late term ultrasounds are my particular Kryptonite. Today made me feel like all my anxieties are 100% justified…

For weeks now, we’ve been going to our prenatal appointments and being told that my weight looks good and I’m measuring right where I should be – even though I feel like I’m tiny for pregnant. Today, the first thing mentioned is that I’m measuring small, am I sure I have my dates right. I explain to them multiple times that I have measured small through all my pregnancies and that a lot of my babies were born really small. I’m also a pretty small person, so don’t get your hopes up on me having the biggest of babies! They bring it up at least two more times during this appointment…

Then, baby’s breech. Honestly came as a shock to me because I was sure she was head down. My baby’s are normally always head down. But, even though I’m still weeks away from my due date, on my 7th pregnancy and having a c-section, it should not have made them all react to the news of a breech the way they did. I felt like I had to be the calming voice of reason for a room full of professionals because everyone seemed to get real worked up over this.

Not even ten minutes into my appointments, only a few measurements in, and the doctor is coming in and pointing out a sign that reads that while they’ll tell us if they find anything, there’s still a 5% chance that our baby will be born with a problem not detected at this late stage of ultrasound. Thank goodness I am a 7th time mother and not a 1st time mother and knew this particular thing, because otherwise I’m sure it would’ve taken me back. And I understand that he’s also a doctor that deals with infertility a lot, so he would tend to put disclaimers all over the place, but I don’t think ten minutes into the appointment was the place to do it…

I told them about a hundred times that because I’m a night owl, my baby is a night owl. She was likely to not move too much or be more lethargic because it’s the day. Generally, she’s up all night kicking and rolling and moving and then is mostly quiet during the day and it’s been this way for awhile now. I tell them this over and over again, and even though she’s visibly moving on the ultrasound and kicking the radiologist, they keep talking about needing to “wake her up” and poking and prodding on my stomach like crazy people!

Even send me for a non-stress test. In which it took three of them to find the baby’s heartbeat, because instead of just once trying to put the Doppler on the part of my stomach where you could visibly see the curve of the baby’s back, they were all trying to put it where the ultrasound told them they would best pick it up. After a few minutes, I picked the damn thing up and moved it over there and instead of strapping it down, they just made me hold it there for the next thirty minutes.

And throughout the whole damn thing, I have this doctor coming in lecturing me about how I need to go to the hospital if I haven’t felt the baby move. I am literally clicking the button saying my baby is kicking, her heart rate is doing the jump and fall that kicks usually produce, the paper is literally giving the exact readout they want and I’m getting a constant stream of going to the hospital about my baby kicking. And I’m doing everything in my power not to roll my eyes and burst out in tears all at the same time..

I left, generally just raging. I kept my polite Canadian face on through the entire exit, but the moment I was out the door, The Boyfriend got to listen to a very big rant. Hate how stupid doctors can be sometimes.


So the next day, my Mom calls me on Facebook to let me know that my doctor called. She’ll be over in a few minutes so I can call her back. I call the doctor back thinking it’s probably nothing, they just want to go over the results of the ultrasound. Nope…

She asks if I can go up to the hospital to see a specialist because my amniotic fluid was quite low. All the kids had just been dropped off to go bowling and thank goodness for my Mom because she was my absolute superhero in the moment. The Boyfriend couldn’t leave work, so she worked out babysitters and re-worked the plans for the kids so that she could drop me off at the hospital.

I spent the next three hours, strapped to the stupid fetal heart rate machine waiting for the specialist to finally come and see me. It was honestly one of the biggest wastes of my time ever. Because all the specialist did was refer us to another specialist to have a more in-depth ultrasound.

I really hate how out of the loop we’ve been kept about a majority of this pregnancy. As I’m laying in the hospital bed, nurses’ station only a few feet away from me, I get to hear about how what I thought was a routine ultrasound was actually a biophysical profile – that our baby failed. That not only did they find only a small amount of amniotic fluid, they also couldn’t visualize the baby breathing (although not an entirely worrisome thing this late on, it would explain why they were all freaking out about “waking her up“). And apparently my baby’s weight has not been right on track, as I’ve been told, throughout a majority of this pregnancy!

And I was especially upset that not once did anyone give me any indication of how this problem of low amniotic fluid is dealt with. Right now, they want to do another ultrasound, that’s all I’ve been told. They’ll come up with a plan after that. From what I’ve read online and in my baby books, it’ll most likely be amnioinfusion (which sounds riskier than I’d like) or delivery (which means baby would be in the hospital for quite awhile before coming home). But I hate relying on information that I read because I know that doctors could literally do anything – even stuff that you’d never read about online. And I understand that it all changes based on the various and specific circumstances related to your particular case, but seriously… I hate being left in the dark!

What people, especially doctors, don’t realize about me is that when I was a kid, I was determined I was going to become a doctor. For fun in my youth, I used to read medical textbooks. To this day, I still get excited when reading medical literature and somehow manage to understand a ridiculously large amount of it. I enjoy medicine and am fascinated by it. I’m also far more comforted by too much medical information than too little.

I mean, here I am at the hospital strapped to this machine. I’m the only patient in this particular testing area with two nurses and a resident. We’re talking away like a bunch of gabbing teens. I even joke at one point when a janitor comes in and one of the nurses is in her way that we’re just having a slumber party in here. We’re talking mostly about medicine, kids and babies – as you do when you’re bored and stuck on the maternity ward! Nonchalantly, I ask what side the liver is on. I’m pretty sure I know the answer (left-side) but wasn’t sure. They literally had to Google it!!! These people are supposed to be trained to know things about the human body and yet they literally had to Google something as simple as basic anatomy.

It just makes you feel like there is no point in seeing doctors because they are just as freaking clueless as the rest of us. It’s all just an educated guessing game. And while I may not have been pre-med or gone to medical school, I seem to be all educated up in this particular situation. I could make just as informed of a guess as they can!

So now, tomorrow we take a two hour trip out to Calgary to do a better ultrasound with a more experienced specialist and then who knows what happens. I’m sincerely hoping that it’s not a situation where we end up having our baby in Calgary. And I’m kinda hoping that they don’t decide to just “closely monitor” this pregnancy, because I really don’t want to be going for tests constantly over the next 5-6 weeks. Especially with how much stress it all causes me. How much rage and upset it all causes me.

I guess we’ll just wait and see…

#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #15 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #15 – Penises


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Should penis-holders be circumcised?

I am always so mixed about this…

In terms of the cock that I like to look at, my preference is for circumcised. And that is why it always makes me feel a little bad that…

All four of my boys are uncircumcised, unlike their Dad’s. When we had Kenzie, our first boy, we had considered getting done but had a doctor who downright refused to do it or to refer us to anyone else who would do it. At the time I was also reading a lot of blogs by people who had felt violated in some way because of being circumcised. And the science is so mixed on the subject…

So do I think penis-holders should be circumcised… I think penis-holders should get to decide that.

Question 2:
If you could grow a penis elsewhere on your body, where would you want it?

Because I’m a girl, the very first place I would want a penis on my body is the usual place.

But if I already had that and could grow another one somewhere else, I’d think my chin. Sure it would look terrible and covering it up would be pretty hard, but imagine what you could do with a penis on your chin… Oral sex could potentially be really amazing!!!

Question 3:
If you could change one thing about your sexuality, what would it be?

I’d probably like to be less curious and open-minded. It sounds kinda odd, but I feel like it would solve so many of my problems.

If I wasn’t so open-minded and curious, I wouldn’t have to deal with constantly being turned down when I find a new desire. I wouldn’t know that there is a world of endless possibilities that are just there, beyond my reach. I wouldn’t be a wannabe kinkster in a vanilla relationship…

Question 4:
Should you shower before or after sex?

I think you probably should after sex – good way to stave off yeast infections – but the reality is that I shower before sex, almost never after it – unless it was really messy!

Question 5:
Would you like to experience an orgasm from the opposite gender’s perspective?

Absolutely, although I think I will definitely be disappointed. I feel like, for guys, it’s a quick minor explosion whereas for me it’s this seemingly endless wave of explosions. However, I’d like to experience his come down from orgasm as opposed to mine, because sleep just comes so easy for him afterwards and it sounds like amazing sleep!

BONUS:
Would you ever participate in a protest that dealt with sexuality?

Absolutely! I’ve never felt passionately enough about anything to protest it, nor have I ever lived near any movements that are facing the potential of protest, but if I had the opportunity and the passion, I would definitely protest for anything that I felt I had a right to.


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The Rantings - For Everyone

And… Cue Panic Attack

It is ridiculous to me how much anxiety making grown-up phone calls gives me. When I have to call and book a doctors appointment, it’s like full-out exhaustion-inducing stress. I literally feel the effects of the stress of it all day long. And it’s not like it’s hard or like there’s ever been a bad outcome or like anything bad is going to happen – I can’t explain what it is that stresses me out about it.

Today, I had to call the doctor that will be doing my c-section. They had already had a bunch of appointments booked for me over the next little while, including a late-term ultrasound.

There is nothing that makes me more uneasy and anxious than late term ultrasounds. No matter how many babies I have and how many times I’ve done them, they just give me automatic flashbacks to all the terror and uncertainty of pregnancy with Kaeidyn. I immediately remember 17-year-old me getting my stomach slapped by a doctor and then being told that my baby wasn’t moving and then spending the next few hours in a terrifying rush. I immediately remember the feelings and the fear and the tears and hearing her cry from the first time and just feeling absolutely disconnected from it.

That whole first c-section experience, my first labor experience, just really has left a sour taste on my tongue that has followed me through subsequent pregnancies. And now that we’re doing the c-section and now that we’re not just talking about it but actively booking appointments for it, I’m just bogged down in nerves by it. I just feel like a nervous ball of nervous energy.

And The Boyfriend could not possibly be more distracted. This whole obsession with traveling and camping and becoming wilderness outdoorsman is taking over everything! Literally, I call the doctor and I start lip quivering over how nervous late term ultrasounds make me, and next thing I know he’s planning a camping vacation with the boys – which I’ve been listening to planning and ideas about for three days now! I talk about how we’ve only got a few weeks left until baby is here and the subject swiftly gets changed to the hiking trail he just found that would be so great to do with the boys. His mind is not at all even thinking about baby and c-section and frankly, it is pissing me right off!

You have no idea how many times in the last few weeks, I have to remind him that I won’t be able to do all these things this summer – I will have just gone through major abdominal surgery, I will have just had a baby – and even if those previous two things weren’t happening, I am not an outdoor campy hiking person. You can’t expect me to do 100km of hiking in a summer – which is his ultimate goal right now… And I’m sitting here just like, “Can I have a minute to maybe get over pregnancy first?!?“.

The only time I’ve ever seen him even slightly obsessed with anything half this much is when a new Star Wars movie is coming out. He is just ridiculously obsessed with this camping/hiking idea. It’s all I’ve heard about for a really really long time now. He talks about it non-stop and when he’s not talking about it, he’s sitting on his cellphone literally mapping out trips that he wants to take and places he wants to go. Almost everyday he’s coming home from work with a new area he wants to travel to and a new place he wants to explore and a new campsite he wants to stay at.

On one hand, it’s absolutely freaking adorable. He can be such a passionate Pisces sometimes. On the other hand, can we focus on my pregnancy until it’s over and then be passionately obsessed with other things…?!?

#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #14 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #14 – Amazing or Mediocre?


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Would you rather listen to music during sex or listen to TV during sex?

I would rather listen to music during sex, but the reality is, if there’s any electronics on at all, it’s likely to be a TV.

Question 2:
Would you rather use chocolate sauce or whipped cream during sex?

Whipped cream without a doubt. Not a huge fan of chocolate, even though I think I’d like the consistency and such on my skin, I wouldn’t like the taste or the smell as much as I would with whipped cream.

Question 3:
Would you rather have amazing sex infrequently or mediocre sex frequently?

I think probably mediocre sex frequently. I’ve long said that after three days of no sex I start to get bitchy. And let’s be real, mediocre sex with someone you love is still pretty freaking great sex.

Question 4:
Would you rather read an erotic book or listen to an erotic audiobook?

I would probably rather read an erotic book. I’ve only ever listened to one erotic audiobook and it was a great experience, but it’s not the same as reading. Ideally, I’d do both because I think they’re both different experiences and should both be had!

Question 5:
Would you rather use a glass dildo or a silicone dildo during sex?

I can’t answer this question for sure because out of the two options, I’ve only ever used glass dildos. I like the appearance of glass dildos a lot and also the concept of being able to heat them up and cool them down and the texture.

But honestly, I’m not a huge fan of sex toys. Of the four vibrators/dildos that I’ve had in my lifetime, 2 of them have been lost and the other 2 are glass dildos that get used probably once or twice a year…

BONUS:
Would you rather be paid to have sex in person or be paid to have sex on camera?

I would like to be paid to have either of these types of sex, but I think I would honestly rather get paid to have sex in person. I feel like I would feel like I earned it more if it was in person than if it was on camera.


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#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #13 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #13 – Loverly


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Who was the first person you fell in love with? (Describe the person to us)

The first time I saw him, he had bright blonde hair styled into a mohawk and a big baggy white t-shirt on. I don’t remember why, but he caught my attention on that crowded chaotic morning in the first French class of the year, and I was immediately obsessed with him.

He was a chunkier guy with a serious case of bad acne and a total punk rocker from head to foot. He taught me how to play guitar, would get upset when I’d wear skirts or make up, wanted us to be drug and alcohol free, and he was my first just about everything!

Ours was a passionate, abusive, fucked-up and totally childish kind of love.

Question 2:
What does love feel like?

It’s hard to describe what love feels like, because it almost never feels the same twice. It’s different for every person I’ve ever felt it for. But it’s one of those things where when you feel it, you know it, because something about is familiar, comfortable, just right.

Question 3:
Where were you the first time you told a romantic partner you loved them?

I’m pretty sure, although I could be entirely wrong, that the first time my first boyfriend and I said “I love you” to each other was underneath the stars on a night out with a group of friends. I’m pretty sure I gave him our first handjob that night too…

With Alfie, we were babysitting my nephew at my sister’s apartment. He was getting ready to go to work and as he was walking out the door, I said “Olive Juice and Elephant Shoes” and he looked at me confused and walked out the door. When he came home that night, he walked in the door and said, “I love you too!“.

The Boyfriend and I took a long while to get to the point of saying “I love you“. We talked about doing it for weeks prior to actually doing it. There were many moments where we were both like, “I think I want to but I’m just not sure…“. We had both just been through harsh break-ups, felt weird in the fact that there was a time when we didn’t really like each other and now here we were falling love, and also Alfie was still so much a part of the picture.

Question 4:
When should you tell a person you love them?

I tend to take the “love” word pretty seriously. So I don’t like to rush into saying it and I won’t say it if I don’t mean it.

That being said, I also think you should never hesitate to say it if you think you feel it. Love isn’t this static thing, it evolves and grows or withers and fades. It changes just like all the other emotions do, so you should always be able express how you’re feeling, even when it’s changing.

Question 5:
Why do you think we fall in love?

I think the biggest reason why we fall in love is because it’s really fun! It feels good, it’s exciting, it’s different, it’s challenging, it’s all these things and so much more.

Generally, I tend to think of love as this almost scientific thing. We’re falling in love because of all of these chemicals and reactions in our brain and our horomones and all this stuff. And I always tend to say things like “evolutionary biology tells us that we fall in love because it is necessary for the survival and evolution of the species” – which I’m pretty sure I read in a book somewhere 😉

Just as the ways in which we love are endless, so are the reasons for love.

BONUS:
How has love positively and negatively impacted your life?

I could probably never answer this question quite accurately…

In the beginning of my love journey, love had a lot of negative impacts on my life. Love was basically a negative force. I made bad choices and decisions under the guise of love, I stayed when I should’ve run away, I held on so tight – too tight – when I should’ve just let go.

Now love permeates positivity in my life. I am surrounded by love and have completely eliminated toxic relationships. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I wake up everyday just so grateful for what I’ve been given. I have the most amazing partner you could ask for, I have 5 going on 6 beautiful children who are my greatest source of joy and peace and the people who I choose to have in my life are supportive and caring people. I see love in each and every aspect of my life now.


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The Rantings - For Everyone

All By Myself…

Can I just be a total bitch for a second…?!?

The Boyfriend has really sucked during this pregnancy. I mean, really sucked! Out of all my pregnancies, this is the one he seems the least interested in – less interested in what’s going on with the baby, less interested in what’s going on with me, less interested in helping out, just less interested!

It’s amazing how often he is sitting right there and yet I feel like I’ve gone through this pregnancy all by myself…

And I know part of it has to do with third pregnancy. And part of it has to do with the fact that we just had a baby not that long ago. All the luster is lost. But it just makes me long for the days of Carter and Cazzwell pregnancies and experiences.

I remember when I was pregnant with Carter and had such severe joint pain, The Boyfriend having completely sleepless nights just rubbing me down. I remember him helping me paint my toenails and putting my clothes on. It was a lot less help with Cazzwell, simply because I didn’t need it as much, but he was excited and involved and hand on my stomach constantly.

This time around, he just seems completely uninterested. The only time he touches my stomach voluntarily is for the 20 minutes I lay in bed while he falls asleep. Almost every night for the past two trimesters, the moment he’s asleep, I get up to go take a bath. Most of the time he doesn’t even notice. He doesn’t listen to me complain anymore and just zones out in whatever he’s into.

It’s been a lot of me being really focused on pregnancy and last pregnancy and him and everyone else focused on everything but pregnancy and a pending baby.

From summer travel plans to The Last Jedi coming out to earning enough points for a “free” Xbox game pass, it’s all been a thousand times more important. And when I try to talk baby stuff or pregnancy stuff, somehow we end up right back on the mountains, that scene with Kylo and Rey or the latest game pass game he got… And I’m left there to freak out about pregnancy and baby all by myself…

And when I say “freak out“, it’s not really freaking out because let’s be real, it’s all old hat now! We’ve been through all this a million times. We know what’s coming, we know what to expect. We know, we’re prepared, we’re good. So, it’s not really freaking out.

We ignored this pregnancy for so long. We denied it existed for so long. It’s going to be our last baby ever! No one, not even our own kids, wanted us to do this. Have our 7th baby, 6th child. It’s a girl, finally after 13 years of having nothing but boys, we finally get our girl – his first girl! We should both, now that everyone knows about this pregnancy, be allowed to have joy in the experience. We should be excited and happy and can’t-wait-to-meet-our-little-one and just so in love with this final experience.

But I seem to be all by myself on it…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Things I Hope Will End When This Pregnancy Does

  • My constant exhaustion
    Sitting doing nothing makes me exhausted. Dealing with the kids makes me exhausted. Cleaning makes me exhausted. Doing fun stuff makes me exhausted. It all makes me tired down to the very core…

  • My extreme bitchiness
    I’m normally bitchy. It’s not unusual for me to be generally bitchy. It’s probably the one word almost all of my family would immediately choose to describe me. However, I’m more bitchy than I’ve ever been. I’m bitchy to the point where I will often stop myself and go, “Whoa Val, you’re being really bitchy!” and that has never happened before and definitely never so often…
  • My lack of smiles aka Dead Face
    I wouldn’t say that I’m a huge smile-er or that I smile a lot on the regular. However, I’ve never been able to go as long as I seem to be able lately just not smiling at all. And I suppose when I say “not smiling“, I also mean just being expressionless. It’s like dead face, where there’s nothing going on. No smiles, no pouts, no eyebrows raised or scrunched, just nothing… Dead face…
  • My pain
    Let’s be real for a second… I’m never going to be pain free! I’m under no illusions about pain in my life and that it has been there for a really long time and it will probably remain to be there for a really long time. But I’m ready for the type of pain to change and I’m ready for the area of pain to change and I’m ready for the length of pain to change. It’s been so much of the same continual pain during this pregnancy and it’s really starting to weigh me down (literally and figuratively)…
#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #12 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #12 – Sex on the Beach


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Have you ever had sex on a beach?

No and I vary on whether or not I’d want to. I went through a phase where I was immediately dismissive and all, “But the sand… In places…”. And at the end of almost every winter, when I’ve officially had enough of it, I’ll go through phases where I want to watch a lot of sex on the beach and fantasize about it.

I know that it’s more the sun and the warmth on naked skin after so long of having nothing but cold and sweaters on naked skin that I’m desiring, but there’s nothing like the lapping water in the background or the public display.

I would probably do it, assuming I was going through a phase 😉

Question 2:  
Have you ever had sex in a public washroom?

No – which is actually a little surprising. Then again, I don’t think I’ve ever been in a public washroom that would make me feel comfortable enough to have sex – even just a quickie – in it. I’m not a huge fan of bathroom sex in general, so…

Question 3:
Have you ever gone to a nude beach?

I never have, although I only recently learnt that we have some in my province. I would definitely do this, as long as I had someone to go with me.

Question 4:
Have you ever had sex in a moving vehicle (car, train, boat, plane, etc.)?

No, but absolutely #FucketListed!

Question 5:
Have you ever had sex in your parent’s bed?

I don’t think I’ve ever had sex in my parent’s bed, but I’ve definitely had sex in my partner’s parents bed. I’ve had sex in my parent’s house but in my own bed 😉

BONUS:
Have you ever had sex in or near a church?

I wouldn’t say that I’m necessarily proud of it, because 30-something-year-old me is a little bit of a prude, but…

I once had sex on the steps outside of a church after a very drunken night at the dance club. I honestly can barely remember the details, except that walking up those steps to get fucked from behind, it was the first time in hours that I hadn’t stumbled!


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The Rantings - For Everyone

Sleep

My Mom said that I’ve been sleeping a lot lately today. I literally laughed out loud because it must seem that way. Every time she’s showed up to the house abruptly over the last two weeks, I’ve been laying down trying to nap. But sleeping a lot…

That has not been happening. My sleep has been so screwed up that I feel like I am getting absolutely none. And my energy levels have been a clear sign that I haven’t been getting enough. And if that hasn’t given the clue, then my bitchiness sure will!

I’ve been having a lot of problems with my hips and legs – as is mostly to be expected during this stage of pregnancy. I think I’ve got a touch of Restless Leg Syndrome going on because the moment I lay down to go to sleep, my legs start seriously aching. It starts above my knee and then just kinda shoots out from there. Within 30 minutes of laying down anywhere for any reason, I’m having to go for a super hot bath just to ease the discomfort a little bit.

I’m sure to everyone it’s been feeling like I’ve been “sleeping” a lot. By this, they mean I’m up in my room in my bed. But sleeping, I’m definitely not. I spend most of the night awake tossing and turning or getting up and down to go pee or take baths – which I take at least two of almost every day. I’m just so uncomfortable physically that sleep never comes. By the time morning comes around, I haven’t slept a wink and I’m full-fledged irritated.

Luckily, for the most part, The Boyfriend has been incredibly understanding. Especially being that I’ve been terrible at getting in and out of bed without waking him up. So I normally get to stay in bed after he gets up with baby. It normally takes me a good long hour to fall asleep once he leaves the bed and I finally get two hours. Then he wakes me up and it’s mostly just me being tired and bitchy all darn day!

Some days, I’ll be so exhausted that when the kids get home from school, I’ll ask if I can go lay down for a bit. Again, so incredibly lucky on my part, because the kids are also incredibly understanding and enthusiastically reply, “You go ahead and lay down Mom!”. However, sleep is almost never had during this hour of laying down. It’s mostly listening to them play downstairs. But the laying down helps with the headache that always sets in from the lack of sleep.

Sometimes I’m seriously so surprised that I’m dealing so well with the lack of sleep. I’m functioning pretty decently on the short uncomfortable sleeps that I’m getting. Sometimes, I’m just so down and out about it and can’t help but be bitchy and snappy and utterly useless!

I hate how the third trimester kicks in and it just takes over your whole life. Sure, the discomforts of the first two trimester are hard to deal with, but the third trimester always seems like it’s impossible to manage. You often wonder how you’re ever going to make it through.

We’re coming up very quickly on the end of this whole thing. Only 11 weeks left and probably less than that being that we’re planning to do a c-section. We’ve decided to do the c-section almost entirely so that I can get my tubes tied at the same time and we can just be done with all of it, all at once. I haven’t gotten nervous about the c-section aspect of it yet, although I imagine that will change once we meet with the obstetrician. Right now, I’m just excited about it.

The prospect of never getting pregnant again, especially when I’m currently so fed up with being pregnant, is just making me long for the end. I’m so ready, it’s ridiculous.

#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #11 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #11 – Your Body


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Can you remember a time when you really loved your body?

I often love my body, so I can remember lots of times. It’s not the best body and it’s not a super healthy body, but it’s a body that has lived and survived through a lot. A lot of times when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the weight I’ve gained or the marks and scars, I see the life I’ve lived. Obviously, it’s not always like this (see question 2), but more often than not, for at least the last few years, it’s more of an appreciation.

Most of the times when I can vividly remember loving my body and my appearance come from dancing. When I’m dancing and really enjoying myself, there is literally nothing you could say to make me feel like I’m not the most gorgeous person ever!

Question 2:
Can you remember a time when you really hated your body?

I’ve gone through various points in my life where I really just couldn’t stand my body.

When I was a younger kid, I was ridiculously skinny. I just couldn’t gain weight no matter what I did. And I got picked on a lot about it – lots of anorexia accusations, even though they would literally watch me eat huge meals. I was obsessed with the idea of exercising because “muscle weighs more than fat” and maybe if I had some muscles, I wouldn’t be so skinny. I absolutely refused to wear anything that showed off my upper thigh because you could see my bright blue veins and that was horrifying to me!

Then, awhile after Kaeidyn was born – a bad spout of post-partum depression and an intensively abusive relationship – I started to put back on the baby weight that I had begun to lose. Alfie had taken to calling me fat and lazy, which happens when you’re sleeping all day and waking up just long enough to nibble on junk food, and while none of that really affected my body positivity while Alfie and I were together it did end up playing into things later with The Boyfriend and I.

I would write posts about how bad my insecurities had gotten and how much my negative body image was negatively affecting my life. It was a rough time that is often a great way to remind myself that I don’t need to have these issues. They are a waste of time.

Question 3:
Do you think your body is a healthy body? How does that answer make you feel?

I definitely don’t feel like my body is a healthy body. My body is a just barely sustained vessel.

I don’t eat properly. I don’t exercise. In terms of nutrient intake, I’m lacking in just about everything you can think of. In terms of amount of food, I normally eat one small meal a day and a snack or two before bed – the bulk of my eating happening in the late hours of the night. I haven’t had a drink of just plain water volunatarily in years – the last time was at the doctors and I complained the whole time. I tend to sit in front of my computer in my spot on the couch for almost all of my waking hours. I stretch because my body is sore, but other than that, dishes and dinner is the most exercise I’m getting in a day. So, I don’t take very good care of my body.

Health-wise, I’m not terribly bad off. I don’t really have any health issues that we know about. When I do have health issues, they are normally related to a pregnancy or in the case of the year-long period, trying to stop pregnancy.

Sometimes, I’m really down about my unhealthy body, especially if it’s failed me a lot. The last job I had, I complained almost everyday when at the end of the day I would come home and be completely confined to a chair complaining. I can’t stand when my lack of health is laughing in my face. Most days, I just don’t think about it.

Question 4:
Has your body ever failed you? Not worked the way you wanted it to?

My body fails me almost on the daily! It has been that way for many years now. I often say that “I’m only in my 30’s, why do I feel like I’m in my 90’s?“. My body often aches – from bones to muscles – I have pain in my knees, my hips, my back, my neck. I once had joint pain so bad in my knees and hands that my doctor thought I might have rheumatoid arthritis, although nothing ever happened with any of that and now my knees are the only bothersome issue.

I’ve had to stop mid-sex to un-cramp a cramped muscle. I’ve had to stop and stand completely still because something is stiff. I’ve had to use my furniture in interesting ways to support my sore body. I’ve had to take baths in the middle of the night and keep The Boyfriend up late to relax spasms. My body fails me a lot…

Question 5:
Would you say that you have a negative body image or a positive body image?

I have a meh body image.

Some days I’m all, “Damn, I’m sexy!” and nothing you could say, no mirror could change my mind. Other days I’m all, “Frumpy and dumpy is the style today” and every mirror gets a cringe and if you were to say I looked pregnant when I wasn’t, I would fume for three days!

But most of the time, I don’t really care or think about it. If I’m comfortable that’s all that matters. I don’t care about out-of-place hairs or shirts that show off my belly. It just isn’t on my mind, my body.

BONUS:
What is your favorite thing about your body? Least favorite?

My favorite things about my body are definitely my boobs and my lips. I love the little dip in my lips and the shape of my breasts. My least favorite thing about my body is definitely my ass – it’s always been my most hated. When I was younger, it was too flat. Now, it’s too… I don’t even know. Just not how I want it to look!


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The Rantings - For Everyone

Pneumonia Blues

This last little bit is taking it out of me entirely and I haven’t a day in a long while where I didn’t wake up incredibly bitchy and then spent the whole day in that state. It’s been so rough around here that I’m not even sure how to write about most of it…

First and foremost, about two weeks ago, The Boyfriend came inside from shoveling in pain. He rarely ever is “in pain“, so when he is, not only is it very obvious but it definitely signals that something is wrong – because he rarely ever experiences pain. He thought he had pulled a muscle and for the next week, things got progressively worse. He comes home from work one night, red-faced and gripping his chest, in the most pain I’ve ever seen him in. We rush up to the hospital.

After being seen by triage nurses, we were pretty quickly sent to the back for him to get an ECG and then we were pretty quickly rushed even further back where he was given some Tylenol and an NSAID. We were both convinced he must be having a heart attack, as his heart rate just kept going up and we could overhear the nurses saying he was tachycardic. They send him down for a chest x-ray, they do some blood work and after about 4 hours (which is pretty incredible being that the wait times were upwards of 3 hours), they tell us he’s got pneumonia.

So, he has been exceptionally sick. Sick, in pain, on medication, and just all around not feeling well.

And I’m trying so hard to be the girlfriend that takes care of him. I’m trying so hard not to resent him for getting to be so well taken care of. I’m trying so hard to just not be angry all the time and it is not working. I wake up everyday and he’s stiff and I immediately hate him and want him to stay out of my face.

I don’t like being the rock. He’s supposed to be the rock. And I’m well aware of the fact that sometimes I have to be the rock. However this particular time is just not being easy. I’m not ready to be the rock and I don’t have the energy to be the rock and I’m just so sick of taking care of everybody.

It doesn’t help that I have about a million other stressors happening right now and he can’t even be there to offer me a hug because he is so sick. So I feel like I’m out here, sailing on choppy waters all by myself in a boat that isn’t even water-worthy, and it’s scary and it’s daunting and it’s overwhelming and it makes me want to cry constantly. But rocks don’t cry… However, my pregnant ass totally fucking doesn’t care!!!

And that’s another part of the whole thing that just really has been eating at me. He comes home from work that night, in pain, and I immediately jump into Mom mode. Because we at first think it’s just a muscle cramp, I suggest a hot shower. I undress him and hold him up, I turn on the water and make sure it’s the right temperature before he gets in there. I help him in and sit right next to the tub while he’s in there. I help him out and get him dried off and re-dressed. I support him on my damn shoulder, even though he’s way heavier than I am and I am a totally weakling. And not once during all my pain, during all my pregnancies, not even during labor, has he ever done this shit for me.

I have to struggle my own fat ass out of the bathtub when it’s three in the morning and my hip is causing me so much pain that I can’t feel my legs. I have to hold the cold cloth to my head as I’m pushing his baby out. I have to pull on my own damn pants on even when I can’t lift my foot of the ground. And I just can’t seem to get over that…

I’m sick of taking care of everyone and no one taking care of me.

And of course, his version of taking care of me is different than that. He looks at how hard he works outside of the house as taking care of us. He looks at the fact that he’s the only real income earner as taking care of us. And while he’s entirely right, it doesn’t make me feel any better. It just makes me resent him more. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t complain and frankly, that’s all I feel like doing lately. Complaining and bitching… And unfortunately, I don’t see that ending anytime soon for some reason!

 

The Rantings - For Everyone

Hating Toddlerhood

After spending many years on mostly graveyards and then spending probably close to a year in a nighttime position (i.e after all the kids were home from school), The Boyfriend has been working a lot of days lately. It is ridiculously hard!

I don’t know why exactly his work hours have been all over the place lately. Part of it is training – he’s now having to re-take all his certification tests because he’s been working there long enough that they’re all coming up on their expiration dates. But it feels like it has been way too long of this everyday being different hours – some days bright and early in the morning and he’s getting up with the kids when they get ready for school, other days it’s halfway through the day when he’s leaving and other days the kids are all just getting home from school.

And I am just not doing well with it.

Having to spend so much of the day alone with Cazzwell is just being so hard for me. He’s officially at that age and stage that I hate. That beginning of toddlerhood where he’s into everything, making a mess of everything, whining all the time because he knows what he wants but still has no words to tell you what he wants. That constant on the move, constant neediness, constant noise. They are so all-consuming at this age.

And when the kids are home from school, it doesn’t feel so terrible. They really are some of the biggest helpers in the world. They almost enjoy the neediness, the noise, the fact that he can actually play with them now. They like having him in their world and their space. They all like the aspect of “being in charge” and “babysitting” him. So, I get some serious breaks from Cazzwell when they’re home. Sometimes, I get away with hours of not having to deal with the baby.

And when The Boyfriend is working his regular shift, he helps out in the day while the kids are at school. When I hurt too much to chase him up the stairs again or when he’s finally exhausted my whining limit, The Boyfriend is there to lend a hand. I get to enjoy Cazzwell without having to do all the work of Cazzwell.

But with everyone gone during the day and just him and I hanging out, it’s just getting to me. If I wasn’t pregnant and feeling so run down by that (don’t even get me started!), it might not bother me as much. It might not feel so overwhelming. But right now, it just feels like I’m not sleeping and all I’m doing is dealing with a kid at an age and stage that I hate and it feels like serious work!!!

This has always been a hard stage for me. I’ve felt this way with every single one of my kids. They get to about a year and a half and then they just take it all out of me. I thought when it was the first three kids, all one right after the other, I thought that it was just because there was a lot of them all at once. It was so stressful and overwhelming because there were so many of them in that stage. But Carter and Cazzwell have totally taught me that it has nothing to do with the number of them, it’s the age of them!

There was somewhat more of a gap between Carter and all the other kids. And toddlerhood with him was pure hell. He was and is more rambunctious and demanding than all of my other kids combined. There’s a huge gap between Carter and Cazzwell and toddlerhood with him is not being friendly to me. I don’t have the energy to keep up with their energy!

Needless to say, I’m feeling mighty exhausted lately…

The Rantings - For Everyone

Lost It on the Internet

They say that once you post something to the internet, it’s never lost. You can post it and decades later, it can still be found. And I believed that. But it’s not true…

Years and years and years ago, I don’t even remember how long ago, I had a YouTube channel. It had way more videos than I currently have on there, including at least 4 or 5 original songs. I can remember the titles of almost all of them. But then I decided I was going to start all over again and deleted the whole channel.

Years and years and years later, I can’t find any of those videos. I can’t find any of those songs. I can’t even remember most of them. This morning, I woke up with one of my old songs stuck in my head. It’s probably the best song I’ve ever written, one of the most significant things I’ve probably ever written, it’s a great song. But it no longer exists anywhere online.

I’m not sad about that particular song. I remember all the words and the guitar. It’s all good. But some of the other ones, I can’t even remember if they were any good. I had a song called “That Thing I Do”, I can remember that I really enjoyed singing it. But I can’t remember any of the words or how to play it. I’ve searched high and low, everywhere I can possibly think and still can’t find it anywhere.

So, it’s not true. You can post things to the internet and lose them entirely. The world was wrong!

The Rantings - For Everyone

Beautiful Circle

I always think it’s so funny how much of pregnancy you forget about, even when you were only pregnant a little while ago. For most of my pregnancies, they happened shortly after a previous pregnancy. Within a year. The longest gap I’ve got is between Carter and Cazzwell, and that was 7 years.

But just two summers ago, I was struggling through my pregnancy with Cazzwell and already have forgotten how hard it can sometimes be.

I’ve spent a good solid week just in this absolute bitchy state. I can’t seem to shake this terrible feeling all throughout my body and it just brings down my mind so much. I can literally sit here seething because still yet my hip is too cramped to climb the stairs at anything faster than a snails pace or because I needed more help getting something done than it should take.

We go out grocery shopping yesterday. I had been dreading it for days, just not looking forward to doing it or putting my body through it – honestly, I haven’t wanted to leave the house at all. So, it was already a total “ugh” situation. We hit the first store and I’m doing okay at first. Then, we get to the meat aisle and all I can do is limp pathetically about the rest of the store as that pain sinks into my hip and my whole left leg starts to tingle. But it’s okay, I can push through it.

Hitting the second store was utter hell. I literally ducked out of the checkout, told The Boyfriend he’d have to do t he rest of it and sat until he was done. Made him load all the groceries into the van and made him and the kids unload it all when we got home. And I just hate when I have to have everyone around me working like little ants while I sit there in pain trying not to cry!

I always forget how hard it is to sleep during this part of the pregnancy. The part where your body is expanding and it can tell. The part where you can’t predict when you’re baby’s active hours are, so you fall asleep to them kicking the shit out of you and you wake up, multiple times a night to them kicking the shit out of you. The part where at a moments notice you could need to run to the bathroom to pee!

I got a good long sleep last night. The kids and The Boyfriend have been beyond wonderful letting me sleep in almost every morning because they all know I’m struggling. I was up in bed for hours upon hours. And yet, when Cazz crawled over me this morning ready to get up, I felt like I hadn’t even slept a wink. I just remember tossing and turning all night long.

I am finding some general comfort in the knowledge that this will most definitely be my last pregnancy. The plan as it stands is to go in and have this baby by c-section and get my tubes tied while they’ve got me opened up. Now that we know we’re having a girl, both The Boyfriend and I are officially ready to be done for good. I think, even if it weren’t a girl, I would be tapping out after this one. I don’t think my body can do this for much longer.

It’s so crazy to me to think about all the time over the last 13 years that I’ve spent pregnant or having babies. It basically equals out to 54 months in total that I’ve been pregnant – give or take a few weeks here or there. 2 out of 6 of my pregnancies have been premature to some extent, 1 pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. But all-in-all, it’s been about 54 months of pregnancy. And while 5 out of 13 years doesn’t sound like a lot, it sure does feel like a lot.

When I started my journey with pregnancies all those years ago, it was with a girl. Now that I’m ending my journey with pregnancies, it feels almost divine that I’m ending it with a girl. I also started with a c-section (although that was an unplanned emergency c-section) and am ending with a c-section (that is planned). Now, as long as nothing else is the same as it was the first time around, we’ll be all good!

I suffered with pretty bad post-partum depression with Kaeidyn. From about my 5th month of pregnancy on until she was about 6 months old. It was massively exacerbated when I was told I had the perfect nipples for breastfeeding and was really looking forward to trying it and then because of the emergency aspect of the c-section, ended up getting an infection so bad that even my breastmilk was infected. So all my hopes of breastfeeding were wiped off the table really soon after she was born, because she downright refused to drink it. All my hopes and dreams were really crushed with her – wanting to have this all-natural, vaginal labor with a healthy baby and then ending up doped up on Prozac and then epidurals and having a c-section for a baby that refused my milk. It was devastating.

I don’t want to say that it feels like the universe is giving me a second chance with this baby, because I don’t think I need a second chance. For all the hell we went through in the beginning, Kaeidyn is now a healthy and thriving teenager who does all the things you want a teenager to do. I always say “She was the first pancake and that one always comes out bad!“. So, it’s not a second chance but it kinda feels like this cathartic thing.

When The Boyfriend and I first started becoming interested in dating, I kept saying that there were “signs“, like signs from the universe that it was meant to be. I’m not normally a person who believes in these types of things because I don’t think there’s some pre-destined path we’re all supposed to be on. However, there are times in life when it feels like the universe is trying to tell you something. You have the same dream over and over again, you keep re-living some experience over and over again, things just stick out so obviously as something that has to be bigger.

It kinda feels like this pregnancy is that. I was saying in my post Must Be Pregnant, that I want to come to the decision to be done having babies all on my own. And while I have done that, it sometimes also feels like the universe is giving me all the signs. I used to always talk about the vicious circles in my life – these repetitive bad events. And now I feel like I get to have this beautiful circle moment.

fingers crossed

#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #10 Cover Photo (1)

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #10 – Having Sex


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Could you write about your sexperiences? Would you?

I could definitely write about my sexperiences and I do!

I’ve technically been writing about my sexual experiences since I was 11-years-old and got my first journal. I wrote about my first fingering experience when I was 14. I wrote about sex with Alfie the first time at 16. And so, when I started regularly blogging, it just naturally evolved to writing about my sexperiences.

It brings me a lot of joy to write about them, especially when years later I can look back over those posts and remember that evolution of my sexuality. Only a small part of it has anything to do with enjoying other people reading them and enjoying them 😉

Question 2:
Should you always pee after sex?

I generally tend to think yes. I always pee after sex, because I have to. I tend to think it’s more important for girls than it is for guys, just because there’s stuff going in us more actively than in them. The Boyfriend rarely ever pees after sex. So, to each their own.

Question 3:
Would you ever have sex in front of people? Under what circumstances?

It is an absolutely huge fantasy of mine to have sex in front of people.

In one sense, my Pornhub videos are me having sex in front of people. But I would love to have sex in front of a real, live audience. Whether that be an intimate group of 4 or 5 people who I know and love or in front of a thousand strangers – I’ve fantasized frequently about them both!

I think that I would absolutely love to do this, under almost any circumstance!

Question 4:
Should you always use a condom when having sex?

I think that should be up to the partners involved.

I personally rarely ever use a condom. I don’t often use safe sex methods at all. However, I’m in a monogamous relationship and we aren’t trying to prevent pregnancy.

I would use condoms, if I were sleeping with multiple partners or if I was preventing pregnancy. I have used condoms in the past. Just don’t need to right now.

Question 5:
Could you ever see yourself as a sex worker?

Absolutely. By uploading videos to Pornhub and previously being on cam, one could argue that I am a sex worker – although I definitely wouldn’t put myself in that category. I’m more of a hobbyist.

I’ve long thought that the ideal career for me was in sex work.

BONUS:
What would you do if you didn’t enjoy the oral sex your partner was giving you?

It would honestly depend on the type of mood I was in.

If I was feeling kinda powerful or in control (which I normally do if I’m getting oral sex), then I would most likely either verbally or physically direct the person to where I want them to go. I’m not often very shy in saying, “Oh, that doesn’t feel right. Let’s try this instead.“.

There are rare nights where I will be feeling more shy or timid (which normally only happens if he suggests the oral), then I might subtly move myself into a position that feels a little better – lifting my hips or scooching to the left a little.

A lot of times, if I’m not enjoying oral (which almost never happens!), then it’s because of me and my head. A lot of focus and concentration often get me out of this spot. Focusing in on what the sensations actually feel like rather than what I think they feel like. Concentrating on the particular movement of his tongue or his hands on my hips. Often holding hands is a great way to get me past my mind.


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The Rantings - For Everyone

Must Be Pregnant

This post was written in September 2017 during the beginning of my pregnancy with Baby #7.

The Boyfriend and I basically knew we were pregnant (although hadn’t taken a test yet) and Kaeidyn was catching on. At the time, I was considering “If I’m pregnant, I’m having an abortion. And if I’m not pregnant, I’m getting my tubes tied!” but I was struggling, because I wasn’t sure that I felt that way or was making those considerations because it was what I wanted or because it was what other people wanted.


I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I think it’s mostly just because of the time of the year – weather changing, back-to-school, etc. – but it’s been resulting in me sleeping a lot, having back and stomach pain lots and just generally being in a funk.

Every time that I exhibit any of these “symptoms“, Kaeidyn goes into hardcore, “You’re pregnant!” mode. She’ll ask if I’m sick, I’ll say that I’m not feeling well, she’ll say, “Must be pregnant!” – and while she’s never been right, she always follows up with, “If you get pregnant again, I’m packing my bags and moving out!“.

And I get it! She’s sick of me having babies. Everyone is and I get it. I hear them all shouting at me, “Get your tubes tied! Screw the depression from being on the pill, get on it! Have an abortion!“. I hear it all being screamed at me and I understand where everyone else is coming from and blah blah blah!

But I couldn’t help it. Last night, after hearing almost every day for a week now that I’m pregnant and that is going to result in my 13-year-old daughter running away from home (when none of us even know at this point if I am pregnant, being that I still have a week before we can even count me as being late…), and I just snapped at her.

At first, I was like, “It just breaks my heart that that’s where you go!” and I was just going to leave it at that. But her face, in response to my words, just pissed me off. I suddenly went on a rant – “How anti-feminist of you! Forcing me to make a choice that I don’t want to make about my reproductive life!” and she didn’t seem to care about that argument – which only surprised me because she’s usually so feminist-minded on other issues.

So then I said, and even while I was saying it, I was thinking this isn’t the right argument, but then I said, “How would you feel if I would’ve aborted you when everyone was telling me to? Or any of your brothers? Should I just make all my decisions off of everyone else’s thoughts and opinions?!?“. She basically decided to end the conversation at that point and went up to her room to go to bed. It was already midnight by this point, so after her bedtime anyways.

But now I can’t get the whole thing out of my head.

It’s not that I want another baby. Like I said last night, I think my only response to finding out that I was pregnant again would be to cry for days. I don’t think I want anymore kids, even though The Boyfriend and I have long said that we would like to try for a girl. But I don’t want to end up with 17 boys just to get a girl… And honestly, I’m tired of having babies!!!

I’m ready to do something else with my life other than be pregnant. I’m ready to just raise the family I have instead of continuing to expand it. But I also don’t want the decision to be made for me by my 13-year-old daughter. I don’t want to constantly be threatened with losing her because I don’t want to get my tubes tied or I don’t want to go on birth control. And I know, I know, those aren’t the only options. I know that safe sex is important. I know that I have ways to not get pregnant and if I don’t want kids anymore, I should be using them and blah blah blah. I freaking get it!

But I want to come to the decision to use those methodologies, all on my own. I want to get to the point where I make that decision – not where I’m coerced or forced into making that decision. And it always pisses me off when other people think they should get to have a say in my life, when I’m the one who has to live it, not them.

#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #9 Cover Photo (1)

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #9 – Before He Cheats


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
  •   Link up with us by adding your link to the original post
  •   Share your posts using our hashtag #WTMFIWednesdays

The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
Have you ever been cheated on?

I only know for sure of one time that I’ve been cheated on, although I’ve suspected that 2 out of 3 of my boyfriends have cheated on me.

Surprisingly, even though I had long suspected that he had cheated on me with girls, the only time that I know about was him sleeping with another man. It came as no surprise since it had always been a curiousity of his and I didn’t find out about it until over a year after it happened, so I wasn’t really upset either.

Question 2:  
Have you ever cheated on a partner?

Unfortunately the answer to this question is yes.

For the first four-ish months of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, I was still sleeping with the older kids’ Dad, Alfie. It wasn’t what I wanted to be doing (see my answer for the bonus question…) and I wasn’t doing it to try to hurt The Boyfriend or Alfie in anyway. At the time, I thought it was what was needed for people’s protections – mostly the kids.

It was an incredibly complicated situation that makes absolutely no sense to me almost a decade later and I’m just glad that we all made it through the way that we did, because stuff could’ve turned out very differently…

Question 3:
Have you ever faked an orgasm?

Yes. And not even for my partner’s benefit, but for my own. It’s not like a go-to thing either. I won’t just fake an orgasm for the sake of faking an orgasm. I’m perfectly happy most of the time to go without an orgasm and be completely honest with everyone (including myself) that I didn’t orgasm and that’s okay.

But sometimes, you’ve worked so hard, you’ve gone so long, you’ve put so much effort in!

Question 4:
Have you ever fallen in love with someone who didn’t love you back?

Not that I know of.

Question 5:
Have you ever had an STI?

No.

BONUS:
Have you ever had sex with someone when you didn’t want to?

Technically, yes. Although, it was not rape. And you’re like, “Wait… How’s that now?“, but you’d be wrong… I’ve had sex a lot when I didn’t really want to.

In some cases, it’s like the faked orgasm thing. Sometimes you force yourself to get over the hump of lack of sexual arousal because nothing else seems to work. When you’re deep in depression, deep in the fog, for example. When pain in your back or knees or legs is telling you not to do it, but you know it’s the only thing that’ll help (literally just experienced this last night!!!). When anxiety or responsibilities or life is making arousal impossible. Sometimes, you push through that!

The four months that I cheated on The Boyfriend, it wasn’t like I was enthusiastically still sleeping with the ex. Looking back on it now, I would describe it as something akin to “dutiful“. Almost as if the whole time I was thinking, “I must do this, for so and so’s benefit/protection/happiness” – although in no way was I ever saying “No“. Time and perspective and healing has given me that view of the situation.

So yes, I’ve had sex when I didn’t want to, under a whole variety of circumstances.


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#WTMFIWednesdays - Session #8 Cover Photo

#WTMFIWednesdays: Session #8 – #RelationshipGoals


WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

WTMFI (Way Too Much F***ing Information) Wednesdays

A weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality


The Rules


  •   Write a post answering as many of the questions as you’d like
  •   Add one of the WTMFI Wednesdays Badges
  •   Tag your post #WTMFIWednesdays
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The Questions & My Answers


Question 1:
#RelationshipGoals: What TV show would you and your partner be on?

In a way, I’ve always related our relationship to Luke and Lorelei from Gilmore Girls – although only really parts of it. He even sometimes looks like Luke…

We knew each other for a long time before we started dating, although always from a distance. After Alfie and I finally broke up, him and I started spending a lot of time together. One day, we’re sitting on the couch and somebody punched somebody, our hands locked and we’ve been holding hands ever since.

I’ve never really thought about all the ways in which we are similar or our relationship is similar to Luke and Lorelei, but if we were on any TV show, that would be the one that we’d want. During our relationship, we’ve probably watched the whole show from beginning to end about 7 times!

Question 2:
#RelationshipGoals: Which literary couple would you most like your relationship to be like?

I have simply not read enough to be able to answer this question accurately!

Question 3:
#RelationshipGoals: Which movie couple would you most like to have a relationship like?

I don’t ever think I’ve seen a movie where I was like, “That’s a great relationship!“. Maybe it’s the type of movies I watch or something, but they are always normally pretty dysfunctional or have these wicked highs and lows.

The Boyfriend and I aren’t like that. It’s just this comfortable, relaxed and very mellow relationship – outside of all the kid-related stress. When it’s just the two of us, it would make for a boring movie!!!

Question 4:
#RelationshipGoals: What song would be the theme song for your relationship?

Over the years of our relationship, I have picked many different songs as theme songs for our relationship. For awhile, I looked at Bound to You by Christina Aguilera as being the song to describe our relationship and was a little obsessed because of it. ASAP Science on YouTube once did a video called “The Science Love Song“, which I insisted was written about us because we are both kinda science nerds.

Generally, I think every good love song was written about us 😉

Question 5:
#RelationshipGoals: Do you want your relationship to have any rituals or traditions?

When I think of rituals and traditions, I immediately start thinking of kinky rituals that I would like us to add to our relationship. Greeting at the door, eye-contact or speech restrictions, etc.

I guess we do have some rituals. We always fall asleep the same way, him spooning me and always with an “I love you” before we pass out wrapped up in each other. He gives me at least three quick kisses before he leaves the house anywhere and gets quite upset if I pull away before that.

BONUS:
#RelationshipGoals: What do you hope the future of your relationship is like?

The biggest thing I’m looking forward to in the future of my relationship with The Boyfriend is growing old together. Finally having all the kids out of the house and finally just being able to spend our time enjoying each other. Our whole relationship has been nothing but taking care of and worrying about kids.

I always hope that one day he’ll propose to me, even though I have no intention of getting married. But I’ve always really wanted someone to publicly proclaim their love for me, some big romantic gesture. I don’t think it will ever happen, since neither of us really care about marriage. But it’s one of those things that I just can’t completely eradicate from my mind.

I hope our future continues to be a lot like our present.


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The Rantings - For Everyone

Kids and Their Freaking Cellphones

I’m officially nearing the end of my rope with these kids and their freaking cellphones.

Ever since Kaeidyn got her cellphone back it has been nothing but attitude and fighting between us. And then a couple days ago, Kenzie found her old phone and started using it. It has been nothing but attitude and fighting between all three of us now…

It is so stupid how unhappy cellphones are making me and I don’t even freaking have one!!!

I’m seriously getting to the point where I am considering taking the phones away from all of them and saying that there will be no more cellphones under my roof unless they are used for work purposes only (because The Boyfriend has to have one for work). Because I’m sick of my kids acting like a bunch of dramatic junkies.

I’m most sick of Kaeidyn who can’t seem to fucking live her life because of this thing that is endlessly glued to her face. She can’t get her homework in on time and she can’t go to bed at a decent hour and she can’t talk to a single person without so much snark and crudeness in her voice. In the last two days, all we’ve talked about is her attitude and that damn cellphone.

Kenzie doesn’t even have the phone for a whole day before his face is glued and all he can talk about is the damn thing. And of course, his attitude suddenly goes into overdrive because now the other kids are jealous that he’s got a cellphone and has games that he gets to play whenever because apparently the rule of no games on school days goes entirely out the window, because it’s a fucking cellphone!!!

And I know I’m not fucking powerless here. I can’t be fucking powerless here. But in the moment that I’m dealing with them and all their cellphone shit, it feels like they have control and I don’t and where the fuck is that coming from?!?

My pregnant body cannot handle the stress that these damn electronics are causing me. It literally feels like the thing that is ruining my life right now. I wake up angry, I go to bed angry and all because of some stupid tiny device and a bunch of wannabe adults.

I’m officially nearing the end of my rope with these kids and their freaking cellphones.

The Rantings - For Everyone

For Way Too Long

It has been too long with all the kids home… way too long!

Way back in the beginning of December, they all got really sick. It hit every single person in the house, even The Boyfriend who normally doesn’t get sick. They missed almost an entire month of school! And then Christmas holidays began…

They have been home for way too long!

While they were home sick, it wasn’t so bad. Everyone was sick, so it was a lot of laziness and cuddling. But they were too sick to have energy. Then, a few days after Christmas break started, they all started feeling better.

They have been home for way too long!

Almost immediately they were unmanageable. I could feel my hair graying on probably the second or third day of healthiness. But they would have these moments, where you were almost grateful they were home and you were getting to experience them like this.

They have been home for way too long!

But then, they got to this point, where they couldn’t stand each other. Carter is seriously a handful and a half. I mean, the kid has energy for days, he’s tough as balls and he likes to be the center of attention. So, him being up in everyone’s face was really starting to get on everyone’s last nerve. Awhile ago…

They have been home for way too long!

And now, it’s just out of control. They have been home for way too long now. They have had too many days pent up in the house. They have had too much togetherness. It’s just too much…

They have been home for way too long!

I feel like I spend all day yelling at them, trying to convince them to be good and ultimately end up with my head in my hands and tears in my eyes. On more than one occasion, I have just stopped fighting with them, arguing with them, trying with them and let them beat the crap out of one another until someone is crying.

They have been home for way too long!

Kaeidyn’s barely been at home at all. She’s been babysitting a lot. There was awhile there where she didn’t have a cellphone and things were going great between us. She was even nice when she found out I was pregnant again. But then she got her phone back and all I’ve gotten from her is attitude, dirty looks and ignorance.

They have been home for way too long!

And don’t even get me started on how messy the house seems now that they’re always in it. Between Keirnan’s LEGO all over the place, Carter’s papers strewn about every single surface and the mess they all seem to make any time they get themselves food, I just feel surrounded by the mess of them.

They have been home for way too long!

And because it’s a break and holiday, their bedtimes are all absolutely screwed up and yet they seem to still wake up at the crack of dawn. Tonight, we were literally fighting with them to go to bed at 2 AM!!! I’m too old to be going to bed at two o’clock in the morning… On a regular basis…

They have been home for way too long!

There have been some benefits to them being home so much. They’re all around all the time, so whenever I suddenly get the urge to clean, I have a bunch of little helpers (not that they’re much help, but at least I don’t feel like I’m doing it alone). Kenzie really likes to take Cazzwell in the morning, so The Boyfriend and I normally get to sleep in a little bit (which is great because I’ve been having terrible sleeps).

But let’s be honest, they have been home for way too long!