The Rantings - For Everyone

Hating Toddlerhood

After spending many years on mostly graveyards and then spending probably close to a year in a nighttime position (i.e after all the kids were home from school), The Boyfriend has been working a lot of days lately. It is ridiculously hard!

I don’t know why exactly his work hours have been all over the place lately. Part of it is training – he’s now having to re-take all his certification tests because he’s been working there long enough that they’re all coming up on their expiration dates. But it feels like it has been way too long of this everyday being different hours – some days bright and early in the morning and he’s getting up with the kids when they get ready for school, other days it’s halfway through the day when he’s leaving and other days the kids are all just getting home from school.

And I am just not doing well with it.

Having to spend so much of the day alone with Cazzwell is just being so hard for me. He’s officially at that age and stage that I hate. That beginning of toddlerhood where he’s into everything, making a mess of everything, whining all the time because he knows what he wants but still has no words to tell you what he wants. That constant on the move, constant neediness, constant noise. They are so all-consuming at this age.

And when the kids are home from school, it doesn’t feel so terrible. They really are some of the biggest helpers in the world. They almost enjoy the neediness, the noise, the fact that he can actually play with them now. They like having him in their world and their space. They all like the aspect of “being in charge” and “babysitting” him. So, I get some serious breaks from Cazzwell when they’re home. Sometimes, I get away with hours of not having to deal with the baby.

And when The Boyfriend is working his regular shift, he helps out in the day while the kids are at school. When I hurt too much to chase him up the stairs again or when he’s finally exhausted my whining limit, The Boyfriend is there to lend a hand. I get to enjoy Cazzwell without having to do all the work of Cazzwell.

But with everyone gone during the day and just him and I hanging out, it’s just getting to me. If I wasn’t pregnant and feeling so run down by that (don’t even get me started!), it might not bother me as much. It might not feel so overwhelming. But right now, it just feels like I’m not sleeping and all I’m doing is dealing with a kid at an age and stage that I hate and it feels like serious work!!!

This has always been a hard stage for me. I’ve felt this way with every single one of my kids. They get to about a year and a half and then they just take it all out of me. I thought when it was the first three kids, all one right after the other, I thought that it was just because there was a lot of them all at once. It was so stressful and overwhelming because there were so many of them in that stage. But Carter and Cazzwell have totally taught me that it has nothing to do with the number of them, it’s the age of them!

There was somewhat more of a gap between Carter and all the other kids. And toddlerhood with him was pure hell. He was and is more rambunctious and demanding than all of my other kids combined. There’s a huge gap between Carter and Cazzwell and toddlerhood with him is not being friendly to me. I don’t have the energy to keep up with their energy!

Needless to say, I’m feeling mighty exhausted lately…

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