I have been sleeping a lot lately. Too much. Being awake seems like such a boring burden. We’re only three days into the kids being back at school full-time and I’m already driving myself insane with daytime boredom.
Then, finances are just kicking our butt right now, as they do every year at this time. And we keep saying, “You’d think we’d learn…“, but apparently we didn’t and we don’t. We know exactly what we’re doing wrong and how we can fix it, but it’s never easy to take ideas and turn them into action – especially when the task at hand seems so large and daunting.
Eventually We’ll Quit
We talked about quitting smoking again, as we always do whenever finances get tight. It seems like the quickest way to save money. Normally it’s all talk, but this time we both flirted heavily with the idea. To the point where we went an entire 24 hours without a smoke, before I caved and begged for one.
After 13 years of smoking, giving it up seems like such a big deal. And I hate when my only motivation seems to be finances, even though I know that I have other motivations – none of them ever seem important enough to make me want to quit – except finances. And that never seems good enough for me.
It’s also a terrible time to decide to quit. Posts on my blog are clear evidence of the stress I’ve been feeling. Quitting the only thing that brings me any relief isn’t the way to lessen my stress. It’s not exactly the best time to make a life-altering change, especially after the steady influx of those recently.
The reality: it’s all a bunch of excuses so that I can continue smoking. And I kick myself in the butt every time, but eventually you just have to realize that you’re not ready and there’s always tomorrow! So, “tomorrow” it is.
In other news, back-to-school is going better than I thought it would and we’ve managed to form a semi-workable routine for the time being. The kids have been waking up and going to bed at the same time, we do all our reading and schoolwork before bed and they all have more than enough time in the morning to gather up anything they could possibly need. The boy have all been doing great walking to and from school and Kaeidyn’s gotten the hang of her bus. Now I just need to stop falling asleep while they’re at school…
Carter is not adjusting well to the full-days at all and is struggling with the whole concept of bedtime. Some nights we seem to have no problem getting him to go to sleep, but other nights, he’ll come down for hours and hours on end. He tends to get scared upstairs “by himself“, even though he’s surrounded by the other kids. He’s been having a lot of nightmares lately, which isn’t helping. And then the waking up early in the morning is being pretty difficult for him. He’s often still tired and wants to go back to sleep. Yesterday, he was so mad at me for waking him up, he got out of bed and stormed out of the room in his half-asleep state and slammed his head right into the door. He was so mad, he didn’t even cry or say “Ow!“, he just stomped his way downstairs.
Lessons in Letting Go
I was not very happy waking up this morning. Kaeidyn has had a “boyfriend” since last year. They broke up because he “cheated” on her, but then they made up sometime later. After a tumultuous summer apart, they have now picked up “dating” again in middle school. I knew all of this and then this morning, I got a message from her boyfriend on my phone asking when they were going to kiss. She’s signed into her account on my phone and so I get all sorts of notifications, and it’ll stay that way until she’s old enough to use all of this stuff independently.
Six in the morning, he tries to call her. I was already pissed about “when are we going to kiss“, I was even more pissed that I was being woken up almost an hour early for a phone call from her boyfriend. Needless to say, I didn’t answer it. When Kaeidyn woke up, she got a mini lecture about the messages I had read and the early morning call. She went to school and then The Boyfriend came home and I vented to him about the whole thing. Being the protective Daddy that he is, he immediately responded to the message, “You can kiss me when you talk to my two Dad’s“, to which the cocky little eleven year old boy responded, “But can’t we do it secretly?!?“. Jaws dropped…
I hope that the lecture that followed after school got through to her. I hope she heard me when I explained why she can’t do it “secretly“. I told her, “Straight up, I care far less about you kissing a boy than I do about you sneaking around behind my back!“. I struggled not to raise my voice as I explained, “You worked so hard to raise my trust up enough that you get to do a lot of things now that you never used to. You worked so hard, it would be a shame for you to lose that all now.“. I never once told her not to kiss him or that she shouldn’t do it, but I did tell her that if she’s not mature enough to talk about wanting to kiss a boy, maybe she’s not mature enough to be kissing a boy. If “secretly” is the only way either of them is comfortable doing it, then maybe they’re not ready to be doing it at all.
I can’t be with her every moment of every day and I can’t always have my eye on her. The most I can do is arm her with an arsenal of support and hand the safest ball possible to her. It’s in her court now and she’s gotta call the shots. It’s a lesson in letting go, that I wish I had a few more years before I had to experience. All I can do is try my best and thank goodness I have a great man to turn to and vent and be comforted in knowing that he carries some of the burden too.